Archive of Our Own

1) 

The first time it happened James was twelve and it was the summer after his first year. Teddy was eighteen and he had just finished his last year at Hogwarts. Him, Lily, Albus and Teddy had all been splashing around in the lake near their home due to it being such a suffocating summer day. The sun had been beating on them all afternoon, but all of them had been far too engrossed in one another and their childish games to really mind the burning heat it brought. 

James began to ask Teddy about what he was going to do now that he had finished seventh year, and although he wanted to know what Teddy’s answer was, James kept being distracted by the way Teddy’s voice washed over him, encasing him in such a pleasant, soft warmth that it put the summer sun to shame. 

But then Albus came running to them saying that Lily was drowning and he couldn’t find her anymore, and James suddenly felt cold. He felt as if the world had suddenly stopped. He couldn’t really hear anything or anyone. The only thing James was aware of was that his baby sister was in trouble, and he couldn’t seem to be able to move. Then he found himself watching as Teddy Lupin dived into the water and stayed below the surface too long for James’ liking. Then, as more panic began to weigh on his chest, the older boy was above the water again with Lily Luna in his arms, clinging onto him while coughing up water. 

And James was sure that his heart was going to jump right out of his chest because “Oh my god Lily you’re okay,” and he was hugging his freckled sister tightly to his chest and basically sobbing into her hair. 

Then Harry and Ginny were outside thanking Teddy after he explained what happened, and worriedly trying to pry Lily out of James and Albus’ death grips so they could take her to St. Mungos (”Just to be sure she’s okay boys...we promise”), but he refused to let go. Albus let go when his mother took him into her arms instead, but James was much more reluctant because he almost lost his sister and if it hadn’t been for Teddy then-

Then Teddy was wrapped around James, his hands above the younger boy’s as he gently made him let go of Lily so her parents could make sure she was really okay. 

“Jamie...it’s okay Jamie...she’s okay...I’ve got you,” and suddenly James was curled into Teddy Lupin’s chest and he was crying because Teddy had saved Lily and regardless of the heroic act, he chose to take care of James and his, apparently, unstable emotions.

And James felt like he was seven years old again, and seeking comfort in the older boy after a nightmare as if Teddy could protect him from all the evil in the world. But when he finally lifted his face and looked at Teddy and saw his soft golden eyes with flecks of emerald green in them, James was absolutely sure Teddy could protect him from anything. 

Before James could really filter what was coming out of his mouth, he breathed out an “I love you” to the older boy. 

James flushed realizing what he said, but Teddy just chuckled, helped him up, ruffled his hair, and told him he loved him too.

But for some reason James couldn’t quite understand why his heart ached at the knowledge that Teddy had meant that “I love you too” in a brotherly way, and James was now uncomfortably aware of the fact that he hadn’t meant it the way Teddy had...

2)

The second time was at a party Teddy had snuck him into. 

James was now in his fifth year and Teddy Lupin had become friends with some muggles that loved to throw crazy parties no one attending was going to remember the next day. Teddy wanted James to remember that regardless of the age difference and distance, they were still best mates, and “No one could ever replace you Jamie,” echoed in the fifteen year old’s head. 

While Teddy had been away from home and James had been at school, the younger boy figured two very important things out. The first being that James was absolutely most definitely gay. The second, and much more terrifying, was that he was head over heels in love with Teddy freaking Lupin.When he had come to that realization in his third year he had gone into a gay panic and had to get Albus to calm him down because “oh my god Albus I’m in love with our dads godson. How fucked up am i.” Which of course was received with a hard smack on the back of his head from his younger brother. 

Two years later and not much had changed. He still thought that Teddy was the most amazing thing on this planet and if he had to describe it he would say that Teddy Lupin was most definitely heaven on earth but he also believed that Teddy was off limits even if it crushed his heart. Which would cause his brother to call him a “fucking dumbass”   or, James' favorite “a fucking masochist gay. Teddy would be lucky to know you have the big gay for him James. You just like making yourself suffer” and then Albus would walk out of the room rolling his eyes and spilling profanities at Jamie. And of course, like everything else in his life that was probably right or important, James learned to ignore his brother because considering that Albus was up Scorp’s ass at all times of the day he had no right to talk about making himself unnecessarily suffer. Well….he wasn’t literally up Scorp’s ass or at least that wasn’t literal right now because Albus could call him a panicked gay as much as he wanted to but James knew that Albus thought Scorp was the closest thing to holy he would ever get and Scorp was a soft gay mess whenever he was with Albus which was all the time. So really James knew that they were on the same sinking homosexual boat. 

Now James was at a muggle party with the guy he was undeniably in love with even though he knew Teddy didn’t return those feelings for him. And even if Teddy did know, and as much as the boy could be a reckless piece of shit, he had morals. And being 21 and lusting after a 15 year old wasn’t something the metamorphmagus would ever do. So here he was standing in a corner of the huge house waiting like a dumbass for Teddy and the drinks he promised him twenty minutes ago. 

James had recently begun to struggle with really bad anxiety. Well apparently he’s always sort of struggled with it but James thought it was a normal part of him until fourth year when suddenly rooms began closing in and breathing became harder and sometimes James couldn’t even talk right. And although wizards were very magical and all that good shit, when it came to mental health issues they were still very lost. His dad had confided in him that after seeing a friend of his die his fourth year at Hogwarts he began to struggle with severe depression and anxiety and, much like James' case, the wizards couldn’t really help him. 

“So what did you do?” Had been James' first question to his father because he didn’t want to live like this the rest of his life. 

“When the war ended I went to get help from muggles. They have people that are specialized in helping others with issues like anxiety and depression,” was his father’s answer. Once he heard it, Jamie felt like he could breathe again. He was going to be okay. 

And most times he was, but he still hadn’t gotten his medication which would help reduce the anxiety. So when he was in such a crowded space with his only anchor gone James was a bit anxious, but he didn’t want to ruin Teddy’s plans. He hadn’t told the older boy what had been going on with him and he had begged his family to keep it under wraps because he didn’t want to be treated differently or worry more people. So James was trying to keep an anxiety attack at bay while feeling suffocated by the sweating bodies around him. 

When twenty minutes turned into forty, James decided to just take a deep breath and go looking for Teddy cause getting drinks doesn’t take this fucking long. And James almost immediately regrets his decision when he finally reaches the kitchen after pushing his way through drunken bodies pressed tightly together. Once James processed what he saw he realized that he had just met the heart wrenching sight of Teddy kissing another boy like his life depended on it. James knew that his and Teddy’s friendship turning into something more was impossible but he had never felt the sting of that knowledge so painfully as he did in that moment. He hated that he even let his hopes up that maybe one day Teddy would love him back because clearly that would never happen.

And suddenly the walls are closing in and his heart is racing. He can feel his hands shaking and he doesn’t even know if he’s breathing. He doesn’t even notice when some girl asks if he’s okay and begins to worry when he clearly isn’t. He doesn't notice that the girl's panicked voice grabs the attention of the wizard in front of them. He doesn’t notice that Teddy is pushing the other boy away immediately and is by James’ side in a heartbeat, slowly getting him away from the people in the house until eventually they’re outside. They’re outside and James turns around and vomits in the grass. He doesn’t even know what he vomits considering he hasn't had anything to eat yet. All he knew was that it burned his throat and even after throwing up he could feel the anxiety attack getting stronger. And suddenly he’s breathing too much too fast and his hands are shaking and his eyes aren’t even focused on anything but he’s crying and he can’t stop. Everything is too much and he can’t stand it he can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t-

And then he sees Teddy in front of him. Teddy with his worried golden eyes and his now vibrant green hair. James doesn’t know when they sat but they’re both on the ground and Teddy is telling him to breathe “Jamie breathe with me okay?” And he does because he can never deny Teddy anything. And then Teddy is asking him “can I touch you Jamie?” And if it were any other situation then James would’ve probably blushed and analyzed the wording of that sentence too much. But they weren’t in another situation and sometimes during these things James hates being touched but it isn’t one of those times so he slowly nods his head. And Teddy is there with gentle hands cupping his face softly telling him to follow his breathing. James doesn’t really know how long they spend on the ground, but eventually he feels how his heart starts to beat normally again (or as normally as it does when Teddy is this close to him), and he’s breathing in a way that doesn’t make his lungs feel like they're going to collapse. But then James’ brain catches up with what just happened to his body, and he’s horrified by the realization that he just had a panic attack. 

A panic attack at a party.

 A panic attack at a party in front of fucking Teddy Lupin. 

And James starts crying again. He pushes Teddy’s hands away from his face and looks away as he stands up, furiously wiping away the hot tears that keep falling and just won’t fucking stop. Teddy stands up quickly after that and tries to hug him, but James suddenly doesn’t want Teddy there. He wants to disappear, he wants to go home and hide out in his room, but he can’t because Teddy is his ticket home and he hates how embarrassed he feels.

“James..Jamie...can you please look at me at least?” and James is suddenly very aware that the party is still going on and that the few people that are outside with them are giving them curious looks, and James really really wants to fucking disappear.

“Jamie-” 

“Teddy, can you please just take me home?” 

And Teddy shuts up quickly, tries to get James to look him in the eye, but when James refuses to cooperate he just nods. They begin to walk towards where Teddy parked his motorcycle.

(The asshole has piercings, and tattoos, and colored hair, and he rides a fucking motorcycle so really James thinks it’s reasonable that he wants to ride something other than Teddy’s motorcycle, and is it really his fault when the asshole tries so hard to be James type??) 

((Then again anything Teddy related IS James’ type but that’s besides the point.)) 

They walk side by side and James has his arms wrapped around himself as if that could protect him from the events that just took place. 

“James, can I ask you a question?” Teddy asks after some time of uncomfortable silence. James knows it’s going to be a question related to what happened at the party, and he really doesn’t want to tell Teddy, but he knew that eventually he was going to, so he sighs and just nods slowly.

“Was that the first time you’ve had a panic attack?” Teddy asks cautiously, as if he’s scared that if he asks the wrong thing James will bolt out running. James finally looks up at Teddy and tilts his head to the side with his brows furrowed.

“How did you know it was a panic attack?” because since all this started no one had known what was happening to him with the exception of his parents because they had both experienced them before. Teddy stops walking and so does James still with curious eyes.

“I’ve had a few before, but I don’t get them often. It only happens when I’m under an immense amount of stress,” Teddy responds with a serious look on his face, but his eyes seem to be trying to get James to talk, to tell Teddy everything. So he does what James does best, he does as Teddy asks.

“I started having panic attacks last year, and when dad found out he took me to a muggle doctor called a psychiatrist. He told us I have anxiety. That I’ve probably shown symptoms for a while now, but that it got worse and now the most obvious symptom is the panic attacks. I’m supposed to get meds that help me balance things out in my body so that the anxiety stays under wraps. I’m still getting the hang of how to get back down from an attack though, so I was a little lost back there,” James tells Teddy and the latter listens quietly. A moment of silence passes and then,

“Why didn’t you tell me Jamie?” Teddy's voice is so quiet when he asks, as if he’s scared of what James' response is going to be and it breaks his heart.

“I didn’t want to worry you...I didn’t want you to think you needed to take more care of me and worry more than you already do...I asked mom and dad to not tell anyone...not even you. I’m sorry Teddy,” James wanted to lean forward and gently press his thumb between Teddy’s scrunched up brows where a crease has formed. He doesn’t and he knows the appearance of that crease means Teddy is thinking about something that is leaving him confused in some way.

“Did you think I wouldnt understand? Or-or did you think I was going to make fun of you? Because, god, Jamie I would never, you know that, right?” and Teddy is looking at James with wide and confused eyes and he sounds hurt. 

“I told you Teds, I didn’t want to worry you,” James says with honesty practically dripping from his words hoping Teddy will understand. 

“Jamie, I love you, that means I’m always going to worry. But...I understand I guess-i think that’s why I never told you about my own panic attacks...I just didn’t want to worry you, but I’m glad I know now because now I can help you...we can help each other, right?” and Teddy got closer to him at some point while he was speaking and his hands are hovering over his, as if he wants to hold them but isn’t sure if it was okay yet, and James is always so in love with Teddy and he hates how unsure Teddy sounded. So he closes the distance between their hands and presses himself against Teddy burying his face in the crook of the older’s neck. He wants to stay there forever until he can’t feel anything but Teddy against him, but eventually he pulls himself back again and looks Teddy in the eyes while tightening his hold on his hands. 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier, but...yeah...we can always help each other Teddy. Always,” and James wants to kiss this boy who dresses in dark clothes and changes the color of his hair every other day. He wants to kiss this boy who hates coffee, but absolutely loves tea with exactly two teaspoons of sugar. He wants to kiss this boy who so desperately wants to be a good best friend to him, but he can’t and he won’t. So James smiles at Teddy and Teddy smiles back. 

“Aren’t you going to say it back?” Teddy asks after a moment, and James is confused before he realizes what Teddy means. He rolls his eyes and tries to laugh off the way his heart trips at Teddy’s question. “I love you too Teddy,” James says and he can feel the way his stomach drops knowing he means it in a way Teddy will never mean. James lets go of the other’s hands quickly and starts walking again, already seeing the motorcycle at a short distance away. Teddy follows quickly and it’s not until James is finally in the comfort of his bed with his lights turned off that James whispers “I love you Teddy,” to the darkness surrounding him, and he cries. “Fuck…” because he’s in love with Teddy and he feels guilty and it’s eating him alive. He cries because he knows Teddy loves him, and he knows Teddy cares, but now that Teddy is gone again and James is alone, all he can see is Teddy with a boy that isn’t him, and James swears he hears his heart shatter while he lets himself cry. 

3)

The third time happens the summer after James’ seventh year. He was supposed to go on a trip with some friends, but Teddy surprised him at the train station with flowers, and he looked like an excited puppy, and James is still so in love with the boy that it hurts so he sends an owl to his friends letting them know he’ll catch up with them later. He doesn’t even mention the trip to Teddy. James is now eighteen and Teddy is twenty three and James knows part of the reason Teddy picked him up instead of his parents. 

Seventh year had been a headache, but it was even worse because it was also the year that at Christmas dinner Teddy brought home a boy and introduced him as his boyfriend. Teddy hadn’t even told James he was seeing someone, and when Teddy looked at him with hopeful eyes as he introduced his boyfriend, James wanted to cry. But James was older and he had gotten better at not letting his feelings show, so instead he stayed quiet the entire time while both Albus and Teddy glanced worriedly at him for different reasons. When dinner was done James made up an excuse for needing to head out early. James got far enough by foot that he allowed the tears to start pouring. Everything was blurry, but he kept trying to walk until he tripped over a rock and was met face first with hard ground, but instead of getting up he just sat himself up and cried. He cried until Albus found him dirty and bloody and full of tears and snot, and all his brother could do was hold him while he cried. 

James didn’t notice until later that Albus had a bruise forming around his jaw. When he asked, Albus told him that Teddy had tried to go after him the second he walked out the door, but that he had stopped him which caused a fight to break out between them and when Albus told him it wasn’t the time to try to fix his fuck ups Teddy swung. James was surprised to say the least. Teddy didn’t tend to be violent especially towards family, but he had punched Albus. 

“Why would he hurt you Albus?” James asked, still sniffling a little bit. 

“He knows it’s his fault you left. He knows that he hurt you somehow and if he wasn’t such a fucking dumbass he would realize how he was hurting you. It’s fine. I don’t mind, Scorp might deck him next time he sees him though, but i don't really care...he left after that.” 

And Albus was right. A few days later Teddy showed up to apologize to Albus and Scorp was the one that opened the door and without question he punched Teddy in the nose. It was fine. Albus accepted his apology and he iced both Scorp’s fist and Teddy’s nose, but Albus refused to tell Teddy where James was. 

“He wants to be alone right now Teddy...give him time,” Albus tried to calm a worried Teddy down.

“I don’t know what I did, Albus. I-I just want him here and-and I don't know how to fix whatever it is I did..” and the desperation and hurt made Albus widen his eyes in surprise. Teddy sounded confused and hurt, but more than anything he sounded like he just desperately needed James, but Albus was James’ brother and he knew his brother wasn’t ready to see Teddy yet. 

“Give him time Teddy...and things will be okay...just give him time,” he said almost apologetically. 

But James was tired, and when he returned to Hogwarts after successfully avoiding Teddy the rest of the break, James decided that maybe it was time to try to get over Teddy. And to do that he needed space, so James stopped responding to the letters Teddy wrote. He avoided Hogsmeade like the plague when one day on his way there with some friends he saw Teddy looking nervous in the distance as if waiting for someone. As if waiting for James. He went back to Hogwarts, and refused to make any more trips for fear of Teddy finding him. The problem wasn’t that James didn’t want to see Teddy. He did, he wanted to see him and be with him more than he liked to admit, but James had been in love with Teddy for years and he knew that the second Teddy looked at him and smiled that sweet sweet smile that seemed to be reserved just for James that he was going to be back to square one. So James did what he did best with problems he didn’t want to deal with, he avoided Teddy. 

But now James gets off the train and Teddy is waiting for him with flowers in one hand and he looks well dressed, like he wanted to look more presentable by wearing a black long sleeve button up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and some nice fitting black pants. And James has to take a deep breath before he walks up to Teddy who is smiling so widely at him James thinks it must hurt. Once they're finally in front of one another James lets himself smile softly up at the older, and Teddy’s smile softens as well and he looks almost relieved to finally have James in front of him. 

“Hi,” Teddy whispers, and James can feel the way his heart comes alive at the sound of his voice.

“Hey,” James responds almost shyly. He knows that Teddy knows that he’s been avoiding him, and now he finally has James in front of him.

“Uhhh I’m sorry that I just showed up...I didn't want to risk...well I didn't want you to...anyways...umm these are for you,” Teddy seems nervous, and James knows why Teddy is here instead of his parents. No one told him Teddy would be coming so he would have no chance to avoid this. James accepted the flowers  and thanked Teddy softly. 

As they walked out of the train station and towards Teddy’s motorcycle (Teddy still rode the same one and refused to get a new one saying that he was loyal to Baby no matter what and James thought of how ridiculous it was that he felt jealous of a motorcycle named Baby of all godforsaken things, but can you blame him?) James asked him if everyone was waiting for him and Albus at home. James knew Scorpius would drag Albus along with him and his family for a little while before going to their parents’ home. “Uhh well i mean..yes and no,” Was Teddy’s response as he passed James a helmet. “The hell does that mean?” James asked confused. “Well they are waiting for Albus at home, but they don't expect you home until tomorrow..if that’s okay. I just realized I didn’t even ask if you wanted to spend the day with me or if you had other plans. I'm sorry. I was just so nervous and I didnt even think I’d get this far but-” and James wanted to laugh because seeing Teddy’s eyes widen at the realization that he had basically tried to kidnap James was more endearing than anything else, and he suddenly couldn’t believe he had forced himself to be away from Teddy for so long. It had done nothing to lessen his affections for the boy because he was still so helplessly in love with Teddy while he let a laugh bubble past his lips cutting off the older’s ramble. “What?” he asks grinning when he gets over the fact he made James laugh again and how long it’s been since the last time that happened. Once James was done laughing he just shook his head and smiled at Teddy, “Nothing. Come on, let's go see what wonders you have prepared for me today.” 

And so James doesn’t mention that he had plans with his friends when he sends an owl to them while Teddy serves them food at his flat. James doesn’t say anything about plans to meet up with those friends when Teddy starts suggesting trips they can make. James doesn’t say anything when he and Teddy talk about James avoiding him, and Teddy cries when he tells him how much missing him hurt. And James definitely doesnt mention any other plans when he tells Teddy how sorry he is for being so stupid while smoothly avoiding the question of why he did it in the first place. Instead James crawls into Teddy’s lap and curls himself into the older boy, and they stay there until it’s late and Teddy carries James to his bed while they both giggle from the wine in their systems. It isn't the first time they share a bed but it is the first time that after they’ve settled down they are so close their noses are touching. And James swears that Teddy is looking at him with some kind of desperate want that makes him feel warm everywhere their skin touches. 

“I miss you,” Teddy whispers and they’re so close that his lips barely touch James’ when he speaks and James wants to die or kiss Teddy (he isn't sure which), and James could pull away but so could Teddy but neither of them do. 

“I’m right here,” James whispers back, and he wants so badly to close the space between them.

“Promise?” Teddy asks, and it breaks James how unsure Teddy sounds and it’s in that moment that James swears to himself that it doesn't matter what happens or how bad it hurts to love Teddy, he will never disappear again, ever. 

“I promise,” and James finds Teddy’s hand underneath the covers and he gently takes a hold of it with his. They stare at one another and James feels the way his heart clenches painfully because the man he’s in love with is in bed with him close enough to kiss and yet James forces himself not to. Forces himself not to move closer or farther away from Teddy. 

“I love you,” it slips from his mouth and it sounds so much like a confession and James wants to swallow the three words back into himself but he can’t because they’re already on Teddy’s lips. And there’s no way that Teddy didn’t pick up on how much it seemed like James was admitting something, but instead of recoiling Teddy laughs softly before he drops his head onto James’ chest and mumbles an “I love you too Jamie,” against his exposed collarbone and a part of James wants to die because Teddy’s words don’t sound like a confession. They just sound like the same three words he’s always told James as his friend and his godbrother, but when Teddy’s snores fill the room and James is still wide awake he can almost trick himself into believing that Teddy loved him back. 

4)

The fourth time it happens James is now twenty one and he’s decided that he wants to be a Dragonologist like his Uncle Charlie. 

His mother had invited Charlie over for tea with the family a few months prior, and James got to talking with him about job positions. James had always loved dragons and whenever Uncle Charlie visited them when he was younger he would always pester him with questions about the animals he worked with, so it came to no surprise to Charlie when James began to show interest in being his apprentice. They start exchanging letters talking about what it would mean for James to be his apprentice and James doesn’t tell anyone until he feels absolutely sure about the apprenticeship. He tells Charlie how he feels about it that morning at his parents house when he hears that his uncle is visiting his parents again. Still, Charlie tells James to think about it before he decides anything.  

When James goes to a now twenty six year old Teddy about his conversation with his Uncle he can hardly contain his excitement. Him and Teddy became roommates when James turned nineteen and felt like he needed to find a space away from his parents. It’s not that James didn’t love his parents because he did, but he had felt stuck and needed change, and when he talked with Teddy about it the older boy told him he could move in with him. 

“Are you sure?” James had asked incredulously.

“Yeah. My old roommate just moved out, and me and you already grew up together so it’s not like it’ll be that much of a difference,” had been Teddy’s nonchalant response. 

So James moved in with Teddy despite knowing that it wouldn’t help his situation. James knew it was ridiculous that he hadn’t gotten over Teddy yet. It had been nine years of being helplessly in love with the boy and no matter who James went on a date with or who he made out with while desperately pressing himself against them in hopes he could get Teddy out of his head, it was always Teddy that remained. So although his instinct told him that he shouldn’t cause himself any more pain by moving in with Teddy, James did just that. 

He was happy for the most part. They made sure to always eat breakfast and dinner together in the flat. They always cleaned together on weekends while blasting their music (they had to take turns with the music because James tells Teddy his music makes his ears bleed and Teddy tells James that his music makes him envy the deaf). They cuddle on the couch and watch movies together, and sometimes when their heater breaks or when one of them has a nightmare, they sleep together on one of their beds and it isn’t weird or awkward. It feels...right. Like James was always meant to be by Teddy’s side anyways. And Teddy never brings anyone home, and most days he prefers to spend his free time with James so really James is happy most of the time. 

That’s why it's two years later and they still live together and James is excited to tell Teddy about the possibility of going to Romania to become his Uncle’s apprentice. He’s so excited that he even entertains the thought of Teddy wanting to go to Romania with him, and James can’t wipe the smile off his face. So when he opens the door to their flat and finds Teddy having sex with some girl James has never seen it’s almost devastating how quickly the smile on his face falls. Teddy and the girl have the decency of looking embarrassed but James can’t really find it in him to care as he stutters out an apology and goes directly to his room avoiding looking at Teddy because his chest hurts and he’s sure it’s because the way his heart is breaking is causing his chest to cave in on itself. James slams the door shut and he blasts music so loudly it drowns out his sobs, and it swallows the knocks on the other side from a very regretful Teddy. 

That day James decides he needs to move out, so the next day he skips breakfast with Teddy and slips out the door before the other can wake up. James wonders if the girl is in his room on the side that James usually takes, but his body aches so much at the thought that he forces the image away. He goes to his parents’ house in time to find his Uncle Charlie and tells him he’s thought about it, and that he wants to take up the opportunity. Charlie can see the consuming pain in his nephew’s eyes, but knows the wound is still too fresh to prod, so he asks once if James is sure and when the boy nods his head in confirmation Charlie tells him he’ll see him in two weeks to pick him up so they can go to Romania together. James thanks him dully and then he returns to the flat he shares with a man that has unintentionally broken his heart so many times James has lost count. When he opens the door Teddy is sitting on the couch with his elbows resting on his knees as if he was contemplating something, but the moment he hears the door open and sees James the worry leaves his face. He quickly stands up and hugs James tightly. 

“You were gone when I woke up and I didn’t know where you were. I was so worried,” Teddy says into James’ hair and the latter is frozen in place because any other day he would have laughed and told Teddy he was cute while hugging him back. But this isnt any other day because he saw Teddy fucking some girl on their couch, and James wishes he could take his heart out of his chest because the pain is killing him. Teddy realizes that James hasn't answered him, and that his body is tense while his arms remain firmly at his side. Teddy pulls away with a confused look on his face, and it’s the first time since James walked into their home the day before that Teddy gets a good look at James. He knows what Teddy is seeing and why he looks more worried than before and even a little sick. James knows his skin is pale, and that his eyes are bloodshot and swollen and that there are bags under his eyes. He knows that Teddy can probably see the pain James is in even if it isn't really physical pain. Teddy lifts a hand and slowly tries to touch his face, but James flinches. Hurt flashes through Teddy’s face and James wants to feel angry because he has no right to feel hurt after how much pain James is in because of him, but he just feels drained. And really it isn’t even Teddy’s fault that he can’t love James the same way. So James moves past Teddy, careful not to touch him in any way, and he closes his door, and doesn't come out the rest of the day. Not even when Teddy tries to get him to eat. Instead James begins to pack his things, and once his belongings in his room are in a suitcase he waits until Teddy falls asleep and his snores dance around the flat before he goes out and finds things of his that are scattered around the flat. He leaves the things that have too much of Teddy tied to them. Once he has everything packed away he shrinks his luggage and leaves a note for Teddy with the money for that month's rent. 

Then James leaves. 

He goes to his parents’ home and they both look at him with worried eyes but he refuses to answer too many questions. He simply asks them if they can let him borrow their family owl to contact his Uncle Charlie. They let him and James doesn’t sleep until the owl returns with a response from his uncle. 

Charlie tells him he’ll go get him in two days. 

James asks his parents if he can wait for his uncle in his old room, and they agree. His father smiles at him with worry, and his mother touches his cheek softly and tells him she loves him, and really James can’t blame himself when the gestures make him burst into tears. Suddenly he’s ugly sobbing in the middle of his parent’s kitchen while his mum (who is a lot shorter than James now) holds him to her chest and his dad wraps his arm around the both of them. And it’s late, probably around 1am, but they stay in that small bubble for a while, and he feels safe. Once they pull back James feels like he’s run out of tears, and his mom says she’ll make some tea while his dad understands that James wants to finally sleep. James leaves them whispering concerned words to each other about the state their son is in, and he cocoons himself in his blankets once he gets into bed. 

He doesn’t really know when he fell asleep or how long he’s been sleeping. All he knows is that he can hear some commotion downstairs, and that one of the voices sounds very familiar to his groggy and dazed brain. He rubs harshly at his eyes and notes that there’s a strong and painful ache in his head. He gets up when he hears his father’s voice raise slightly, but he’s still too tired to really register what he’s saying. He walks down the stairs and when he comes into view of the front door he stops and so do the other voices. 

There at the front door are both of his parents. His mother looks like she’s debating something while she bites at her thumb, and his father just looks tired and like he’s too old to be dealing with whatever it is he’s having to deal with. But next to them is a very distressed looking Teddy. His hair is a muddy looking brown and it looks like he’s run his hands through it a million times which James knows from experience is a sign he’s stressed. He looks tense and when he finds James’ eyes he can physically see the brief moment that Teddy lets relief wash over him. Then he’s suddenly tense all over again, and James is also suddenly very aware of where he is and who is standing in front of him. 

“There you see? James is fine now please calm down,” James’ father is the first to speak and Teddy suddenly seems embarrassed. 

“What are you doing here?” James doesn’t even realize that he spoke until all eyes are on him. 

“I was worried. You-you just left James. I woke up and there was money and some stupid note and your room was empty and-and the whole flat just felt empty. I didn't know where you were. I’ve been looking for you for hours until I finally thought you might be here, and when Harry and Ginny opened the door I knew for sure that you were but-but they wouldn’t let me go see you,” Teddy is rushing out his words and stuttering and he looks like he’s on the verge of tears. And maybe it’s because James has been in love with Teddy since he was twelve or because he couldn’t stand the pain he always felt whenever the older boy would cry, but James feels himself walk the rest of the way down the stairs and towards Teddy. He grabs his hand, looks at his parents and gives them a small apologetic smile, and then he’s dragging Teddy to his room. When they get there James lets go of the others hand, and goes back to his bed. He sits up but pulls his blankets around him. Teddy is still standing by the door looking at James like he isn’t sure what to do with himself, so James takes some mercy on him and clears his throat before speaking.

“I'm sorry Teddy. I didn’t mean to scare you,” and he gives Teddy an apologetic look as well. Teddy slides down the door until he's sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the door. He looks tired. 

“Why did you leave like that James?” he asks quietly and James thinks of all the lies he can possibly come up with to tell Teddy, but he remembers Charlie's letter. Two days. That's all he has to wait and then he can leave. So what if he confesses to Teddy? He won’t get kicked out of his home because he’s already leaving, and any possible awkward interactions that could happen between them will be avoided because James will be in Romania far away from Teddy and his certain rejection. 

So James takes a deep breath and closes his eyes briefly while he tightens his hold on his blankets as if it will anchor him. When he opens his eyes again and he looks towards Teddy he sees the other already looking at him with vulnerable and questioning eyes. 

“I'm in love with you Teddy. I’ve been in love with you since I was twelve and you saved Lily from drowning,” and Teddy’s eyes widen slightly and James very much wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole, but he pushes through when Teddy stays quiet.

“I tried not to be in love with you, but it’s impossible I guess. When I moved in I knew it was probably going to end with my heart breaking again, but I moved in anyways. And things were good...we were good, but when I walked in on you...and-and that girl...I guess it all just exploded. I had been rushing to get home early that day to tell you that Charlie accepted me as his apprentice, and I’m leaving for Romania,” he says slowly and he looks at Teddy the whole time to see his reaction. He just continues to look slightly surprised taking everything in. After a moment of silence Teddy finally speaks.

“When are you leaving?” His voice sounds strained and James thinks that Teddy seems to have already gotten over the shock.

“What time is it?” Teddy checks his watch.

“It’s about 6 in the morning,” Teddy responds. James could have sworn it was later into the day.

“He’ll be here in two days,” James finally responds. Teddy now looks up at James with disbelief.

“Two days? James how can you be leaving in two days? Why didn’t you tell me?” And Teddy is back to pushing his hands through his hair again while he speaks. 

“I need to leave Teddy. I can’t...I can’t keep being in love with you Teddy. It hurts-it hurts too much. Maybe being away from you will help me get over you, and we can be okay again,” James wants Teddy to understand part of the reason he’s leaving, but he feels himself crying all over again and the pain in his head thrums worse than before. There’s some shuffling from Teddy, and then he’s on the bed wrapping himself around James. He keeps whispering for him to remember to breathe. James does as he’s told because it doesn’t matter how old he is, he will always be unable to deny Teddy what he asks for. The tears begin to lessen and they’re both under the blankets while they sit, and Teddy is holding him tightly like he’s scared that James is going to disappear. 

“I'm sorry,” Teddy whispers into the room. 

“For what?” James sniffs and tries to pull back but Teddy won’t let him.

“I didn’t know I was hurting you. I’m sorry James,” and if that doesn’t sound like a soft rejection then James doesn’t know what else will. He gently pries Teddy’s arms from around him and puts some space between them so he can properly look at the older boy and so he can try to restrain the sting of rejection.

“It’s not your fault Teddy. You didn’t know because I never told you. That’s on me,” James assures him quietly. Teddy fiddles with his hands like he wants to go back to holding James, but James needs space. He needs time. 

“Do you have to leave?” Teddy asks almost timidly after a while.

“Yeah...not just because of...well because of this,” James gestures to the both of them before continuing. “It’s also because I want to study dragons Teds and who better to teach me than my uncle. I want to go because I know it’s where I’m meant to go now,” and it’s true. James knows his path is taking him to Romania for the time being. Teddy seems to take everything in before he nods once and he looks back up at James. “Can I stay?” he asks.

“Stay?”

“Yeah...I can sleep in your brother’s old room or on the couch...and we can wait for Charlie together...I want us to be okay when you leave. You’re still my best friend James...always have been,” and James thinks it may not be wise, but he feels better having talked to Teddy, and he’s too tired to keep pushing the other away. Two more days. He could deal with his feelings towards Teddy for two more days. 

“Okay..but...but I need space Teddy. I need us to not...not be how we usually are. No hand holding or hugging or cheek kisses or cuddling or any of that stuff. Just for these two days okay?” James needs to set boundaries, and he mentally pats himself on the back for being strong enough to decide that. Teddy quickly nods his head, and he looks like he’s almost scared of pushing it too far. 

“Okay now Teddy please leave so I can sleep. I'm tired and my head hurts and you look like shit so you should go sleep too,” James says mostly because he hates seeing Teddy look so unsure of what to do, but also because he really wants to sleep and Teddy needs to as well. Teddy’s eyes widen almost comically before he looks almost like he’s blushing in embarrassment. He quickly stands up and walks towards the door while he responds, “Okay Jamie. Well I’ll go ask your parents if I can stay and leave you to it. I’ll see you in a few hours yeah?” He stops at the door and looks at James when he asks the last question like he really truly needs for James to confirm that he will indeed be here when Teddy wakes up. That he won’t leave yet.

“Yeah Teddy, I’ll be here. I promise,” he assures. Once Teddy leaves he feels himself fall back into sleep.

When James wakes up again he can hear people in the kitchen and the sun is shining brightly into his room. He stands up and is pleased that the headache has gone down to just a gentle thrum.

When he finally enters the kitchen he finds his father at the dining table with a coffee in hand as he talks to Teddy who has a plate full of food in front of him. His mother is in the kitchen serving breakfast for Harry before she notices James standing there looking at her with a soft sleepy smile.

“Good morning Jamie. Want some breakfast?” she asks, and at the mention of his name both his father and Teddy look towards him. James almost feels shy suddenly remembering that he confessed to Teddy a few hours ago, but Teddy is looking at him with relief and like he still cares about James despite his confession. 

“Sure mum. Thanks,” he replies. He serves himself some coffee and goes to the dining table but instead of sitting next to Teddy like he usually does he opts for sitting on his father’s other side. James almost misses the hurt that quickly flashes through Teddy’s face, but he doesn’t so he looks Teddy directly in the eyes before giving him a reassuring smile. Time. James just needs some time. Teddy looks like he understands before he goes back to talking about whatever him and Harry were talking about before. 

Once breakfast is over and James has showered and is clothed Teddy knocks on his bedroom door before walking in. 

“Hey Jamie”

“Hey Teddy”

“Do you want to go take a walk?” And James can tell that Teddy feels nervous, but he reminds himself that they’re best friends and he doesn’t want Teddy to feel like that will go away.

“Sure,” and they leave after saying a quick goodbye to James’ parents. They walk around and James itches to hold Teddy’s hand like they usually do, but he knows better. They go to an ice cream shop and while they eat they feel the tension surrounding them melt away a little bit. They go to a park afterwards and James is able to make Teddy laugh with some joke, and if he doesn’t focus too hard he can almost imagine that things are like they were before. They eat lunch at the park and continue to stay there until the sun starts setting and then they decide to head back home. 

Teddy becomes quiet again, and James can tell he’s thinking hard about something so he stays quiet too.

“This feels weird,” Teddy says after a while startling James slightly at the sudden vocalization.

“What is?” he asks.

“This..not holding your hand or hugging you, and knowing that in a little over a day you’re going to leave. I haven’t been far away from you since you were in Hogwarts,” Teddy confides, and James knows he’s right. This isn’t them, and it is weird to think they’re running out of time. James still wants to hold Teddy’s hand.

“You know, I used to pretend sometimes,” James tells Teddy after a moment.

“Pretend what?”

“When you would hold my hand or hug me or just hold me like I was something special I used to pretend we could be more. That we could be more. Just for a moment. That’s why I don’t hold your hand right now. I don’t want to keep pretending something that will never happen. Especially now that I’m leaving,” he admits. James should feel embarrassed to confess something so intimate, but he can’t find it in himself to care. Teddy should know now that everything's out in the open.

“Can we pretend for my sake now?” Teddy asks quietly and that makes James come to a sudden stop while he looks at Teddy.

“I-I mean can we pretend that we’re okay...like-like we were before...for me?” Teddy quickly adds on when he sees James’ questioning stare. And James knows he should say no. That he should reinforce his boundary but he’s leaving in a day and Teddy looks beautiful in the glow of the moon so he just nods and takes his hand before he keeps walking. They continue their walk in silence once more holding hands and James can feel the way Teddy grips his hand like he’s still scared that James isn’t really there. 

“I’m sorry. I know this is selfish of me,” Teddy says while he keeps looking forward. James glances at him before smiling sadly. 

“It’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes Teds...You do know that I’m not going to fly away though right?” he asks in a teasing manner and Teddy blushes and some strands of his hair turn red. 

“I just keep thinking that I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone again,” he says and James feels guilty at that.

“I’m sorry Teddy but I promise I’m here now. I’m right-” he’s suddenly cut of by the impact of his body being tugged flush against Teddy’s. The older boy has his head on the crook of James’ neck, and his arms are wrapped around the younger’s waist. It takes James a couple of seconds to realize what’s going on before he rests his cheek against Teddy’s head and hugs him back. When Teddy finally pulls back he looks at James in a way that James can’t quite decipher.

“You know that no matter what I love you right James?” and it still doesn’t quite sound like a confession and James’ heart still aches, but he’s used to it now. He untangles himself from Teddy, but holds his hand again at the slight panicked look Teddy starts to get.

“Yeah I know. I love you too Teddy,” James answers, and he still sounds like he’s confessing something, but it’s sounded like that for so many years that he doubts Teddy can even tell anymore. They walk the rest of the way home. That night James is able to fall asleep quickly, and his last thought (as it has been for most nights for the past couple of years) is Teddy. 

His last day is spent with Teddy and his parents while they watch muggle movies in the living room all day, and James feels a warm contentment settle in his chest at the sight of his family. It’s not complete without Lily and Albus, but Lily was still finishing her last year at Hogwarts and Albus had recently moved in with his now boyfriend Scorpius. Despite this James knows he will miss them all no matter how much he can’t wait to be in Romania. Teddy looks at him at some point between the third movie of the day and he has such a soft look in his eyes directed towards James that his breath catches in his throat, and he decided this is the best way to spend his last day with his family. 

When Charlie arrives the next day James is full of energy. He’s nervous, but he’s also eager for a new start and to learn all types of new things. He greets Charlie at the door with a wide smile, and his uncle almost seems relieved that his nephew doesn't have that same pain consuming look he had a couple of days ago. 

“Ready to go kiddo?” He asks after they’ve gotten past greetings with everyone.

“I’ve been an adult for three years now. When am I going to stop being ‘kiddo’?” James asks teasingly. Charlie grins at the question.

“You’ll always be a kiddo Jamie. Ain’t nothing to do about it,” and James rolls his eyes before turning to the five people seeing him off.

Scorpisu and Albus had dropped by to say goodbye, and they were the first to hug James in a farewell. 

“Be safe Jamie, and please write to me or me and Scorp will just go hunt you down and feed you to the dragons,” Albus says against his ear and it causes James to chuckle. He knows it’s his brother’s way of saying he’ll be missed. 

“I will Albus. Don’t worry,” James responds.

He hugs his parents next. His mother is crying and his dad is trying to act like he isn’t as well. 

“I love you James, and if you need anything don’t hesitate to ask us,” His mother says once James manages to get out of her death grip. 

“You’ll do great Jamie,” his father tells him with a hug and a warm smile. James will miss them. His dad always has a way of reading his children like books which means he always knows what to say, and his mum is always ready with a hug and some colorful choice of words when needed. He’s going to miss them terribly. 

Last is Teddy who has been standing off towards the side quietly. James is finally in front of the older and Teddy’s hair is a really dark blue mixed in with the same muddy brown it has been the last couple of days.

“Why is your hair that color?” James asks and he knows that it is the most random question to ask in a moment like this, but still he waits for an answer. Teddy looks at him with the same soft look from the day before and a sad smile graces his lips.

“It turns that kind of brown when I’m distressed, and it turns a dark shade of blue when I feel overwhelmingly sad,” he answers.

“I’ve never seen it in those colors before these last few days,” James admits while he tries to wrack his brain for any memory of Teddy with his hair like this but coming up short.

“Because you always make me happy,” and it is said so quickly and surely that it surprises James but Teddy doesn’t waver. He doesn’t look away. James throws his arms around Teddy’s neck and he holds on for dear life. He feels Teddy hold his waist just as tightly, and James wills his tears away. When he pulls back he sees Teddy is crying and his heart aches, but James has to leave. He knows he does. Teddy brushes James’ hair gently away from his face and James is reminded of how in love with the other boy he really is. 

“I love you Teddy,” and James knows it sounds like he’s telling Teddy that whenever he looks at him he feels warm all over. That when they hold hands he wants to never let go, and that he wonders what his lips taste like.

“I love you too Jamie,” and James wants to die because the way Teddy says it almost sounds like a confession...of something, but James knows better. He does. So he pulls back and he goes with his uncle. And he doesn't look back before him and Charlie apparate. 

5)

The fifth time is a year later. James is twenty two and he is living in Romania in a cozy cabin with Charlie. 

As promised, James keeps in contact with his family. He exchanges letters at least once a week with them and he finds it endearing that his parents send him care packages once a month like they used to do when he was at Hogwarts. Lily and Albus already have sent him colorful threats if he doesn’t show up for Christmas at their family home. 

He exchanges letters with Teddy as well, but he also receives phone calls from the older. Charlie used to scold him muttering something about expensive calls until James began to pay for the expenses. Now he just mutters about oblivious idiots much to James’ amusement. But he knows Teddy doesn’t feel the same way. And despite being away from the other boy for a year he knows he’s still in love with him. Maybe not as strongly, but he still feels it in the ache in his chest whenever he hears Teddy’s smooth voice over the phone, or when he reads his letter in his messy handwriting. 

When Christmas does approach Charlie decides they will go for two weeks. 

“Take it as your Christmas break kid,” he replies when James asks why. Regardless of the reason he’s ecstatic to see his family again, and share his new knowledge on dragons with them. He also can’t deny the giddiness he feels knowing he’ll see Teddy again as well. 

They appear a week before Christmas close to their family home. Once they have the doors in front of him he suddenly feels nervous. What if things have changed too much while he’s been gone? What if he doesn’t fit in with his family anymore?

Before he can let his thoughts get too far from him, however, his uncle is knocking on the door and suddenly he’s being engulfed in the familiar scent of his mum’s perfume while she hugs him. He chuckles as he greets her and then his father. Once they’re inside he’s almost tackled to the ground by Lily and Albus, but he manages to keep his balance. He can hear more family all around the house, and suddenly he’s being hugged by his other uncles and their wives. Then came his cousins who all seem to have a million questions. James can’t help but wonder in the back of his mind where Teddy could possibly be. Then he hears one of his cousins ask what happened to his face and James stills. He hadn’t told anyone that he’d gotten hurt, and had made Charlie promise not to either. It had happened a month into his apprenticeship when a baby dragon accidentally scratched James in the face with its claws leaving a large cut over the bridge of his nose down to almost the apple of his left cheek. It had faded to a pink scar now, but in the chaos of all the greetings and hugs no one had gotten a direct look at his face until now. Suddenly his mother was on him checking his face.

“What the hell happened to my baby’s face Charlie,” she asks and James could hear the anger about to rear its head in his mother. 

“Mum I'm fine. I made Uncle Charlie promise to let me tell you guys on my own. It was an accident with a baby dragon, but I’m fine now. I'm okay,” he reassured her, turning her attention from his uncle. She narrowed her eyes at him but decided to drop it for the time being.

They all headed to the living room and the previous tension disappeared, and was replaced by warm laughter and random conversations, and the loud voices of his cousins. Still James kept searching for Teddy.

“He went out to buy more drinks with Scorp,” he hears Albus say as he comes to stand next to James. 

“Who?” James asks acting like he has no clue what Albus is talking about.

“You know exactly who, smartass. If it’s any consolation he’s been on edge about finally seeing you again after a year. I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t try fucking you at the front door the minute he sees you,” Albus tells him with the most straight face he can pull and James squeaks (literlally fucking squeaks) at the idea of Teddy fucking him.

“Albus shut the fuck up! I haven’t been here for a total of ten minutes and you’re already being a dick,” he hisses, but Albus just bursts out in laughter. 

Once he regains his composure Albus guides James to the stairs so they can see the front door. They sit on the steps and James explains what happened to his face when Albus asks. While he’s immersed in his story he doesn’t notice when the door opens and two tall men walk in. He doesn’t even look towards the door until he hears his name being said in an almost unbelieving tone of voice by someone. He turns his head towards the voice and finds Teddy standing there with two bags in his hands that are probably full of drinks, and next to him is a smirking Scorpius. The latter just takes the bags from Teddy and smiles a small hello to James before leaving with Albus in tow. Now it’s just Teddy and James, and the younger finds himself already having walked in front of the older. Teddy looks like he can’t believe that James is there. He reaches out and softly traces his scar.

“You’re here,” he whispers.

“I’m here,” James confirms. Then he’s being pulled into a hug and he presses his face to Teddy’s chest. He can hear his heart beating loudly, but he’s sure his isn’t any better. 

“God I missed you Jamie. You have no idea,” and his voice sounds so raw it almost has James gasping for air. When they pull back James smiles at the other boy before glancing at his hair. It’s a bright mint color, but as he stares he begins to notice some strands change into the muddy brown color. 

“Why are you feeling distress?” James asks suddenly.

“What?” Teddy asks and he sounds a little lost. James giggles (who fucking giggles) before he points to Teddy’s hair. The boy’s eyes widen and he rushes to a mirror in the hallway before he mutters a ‘Fucking shit hair. Fucking traitor,” and James laughs even though he is genuinely curious what could have Teddy feeling that way. At his laugh Teddy looks at him and his gaze softens. He goes back to him and he looks like he wants to say something important so James just looks at him with a happy smile on his face. 

“I really did miss you,” Teddy says instead and James knows this isn’t what he was going to say but that’s okay.

“I missed you too Teddy,” he replies.

Then it’s like no time has passed. It feels like James never left or confessed anything because he’s explaining the story of the baby dragon to a grinning Teddy, and in return Teddy tells him about working as a healer. 

“Maybe I should’ve had you with me to heal my face then,” James concludes after one of Teddy’s stories. 

“I’ll heal you whenever you want,” Teddy agrees. James looks at him and he feels with full force the way he is still so helplessly in love with Teddy. Nothing new there.

They move to the dining table that has now been turned bigger by someone in order to fit all of them in, and James sits next to Teddy who smiles brightly at him at the small action. While they’re eating his Uncle Ron directs a question at James.

“So have you found yourself a boyfriend yet Jamie?” and James almost chokes on his food, but instead the one suddenly coughing is Teddy. James looks at him concerned. Once Teddy seems like he isn't going to die, James shifts his attention back to his uncle. 

“Uhhh not really?” James says but it sounds more like a question. He hopes they’ll drop it but then Charlie interjects.

“What about that one boy?” he asks and James wants to melt away when his family members begin to ooh in a suggestive way and hoot and laugh. 

“Okay well there is one boy, but he isn’t my boyfriend. We just talked...and we got along well enough...and he’s good looking,” James admits with a burning face.

“Got along my ass. I walked in on them snogging in the kitchen once and I had to place rules in my house so they wouldn’t get up to more shit while I was home,” Charlie says with a booming laugh at the end and the table is a ruckus of laughter and compliments. Teddy, however, is oddly quiet next to James. The latter looks towards him to make sure he’s okay but the boy is scowling at his food with furrowed eyebrows like he’s going to murder it a second time. 

“I don’t think the food insulted you did it Teddy?” he leans in to ask quietly which startles the other boy. He smiles sheepishly before he continues eating in silence. James thinks it’s odd but decides to ask him later when they’re alone. Eventually his family moves on from James, and once they’re done with dessert he excuses himself and Teddy from the table before he drags the other with him on a walk. 

“Is he your boyfriend?” Teddy asks after a while of walking. James is confused for a minute before he catches on to what Teddy is asking. 

“No,” James laughs a little. “He’s nice. And he is hot, but no he’s not my boyfriend. We just fucked around for a little, but he knew I didn’t want a relationship so we stopped,” he explains easily. It’s been easier to tell Teddy things after confessing the biggest secret he had withheld for years. He felt more relaxed now that Teddy knew even if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Why didn’t you want a relationship?” Teddy asks.

“Well I don’t know how much you remember but I’ve been in love with my best friend for ten years. That shit doesn’t just go away after a couple good fucks,” James teases. He doesn’t mind exposing himself to Teddy. He knows Teddy won’t stop being his friend. 

“Ten years? That would mean you're still-”

“Yeah Teddy I still love you. I’m trying though if that’s any comfort. I'm trying to get over you. I’ll get there one day I hope,” He admits but he doesn’t feel bitter about it anymore. He’s made peaces more or less with the unrequitedness of his situation. After a moment of silence Teddy speaks again. 

“A couple of good fucks? So he fucked you good?” that makes James blush as he laughs.

“Yeah. He knew what he was doing,” he smiles glancing towards Teddy who has his eyebrows furrowed again. 

“What?” James asks curiously.

“Nothing Jamie...just wondering I guess,” Teddy says while he tries to relax his features, but James can see the brown hair coming back.

“Wondering what? What a good fuck consists of for me?” James asks teasingly hoping to make Teddy laugh.

“Wondering if I’d fuck you better,” is the reply he gets and they both stop suddenly. James can feel his eyes widen and he’s at a loss for words because why the fuck would Teddy say that. Teddy on the other hand has squeezed his eyes shut tightly and he looks like he didn’t mean to say that out loud. 

“I’m sorry. I was just joking,” Teddy finally mutters out while he opens his eyes to take in James’ face. James laughs awkwardly and rubs at the back of his neck before nodding his head in acceptance to Teddy’s explanation. They continue walking after a moment of tense silence. James hates it so he decides to spare Teddy of his weird remark and tells him a story about one of his favorite dragons. Teddy seems thankful for it, and the night continues without any hiccups. 

When they go back home they find that everyone has left except for James’ siblings, Scorpius and Charlie. 

“Is it okay with you boys to share Jamie’s room? Charlie is taking the mattress and the couch is too uncomfortable, and Albus and Scorp are sharing his room already,” his mother asks once everyone is getting ready to settle in for the night. James doesn’t want Teddy to feel uncomfortable with him so he looks towards Teddy and lets him decide. 

“I don’t mind,” Teddy answers Ginny who nods and says something about bringing them more blankets. 

“If you feel too uncomfortable I can take the couch anyways, or I can just sleep on the floor and you can take the bed?” James offers hoping to ease any worries Teddy may have. 

Teddy shakes his head before responding, “Jamie I’m sleeping with you if you don’t mind.” James really tries not to pay attention to the wording but his blush might have given him away when Teddy rushes to fix it. “I mean like as in sleep like rest not as in fucking not that Im saying that it isn’t okay for you to fuck just that that isn’t what-” 

“Teddy relax. I know you don’t want to sleep with me in that sense. We can share my bed. I don't mind,” he saves the other boy from any more awkward amends. 

Instead of looking relieved, however, Teddy looks almost upset at what James says. 

“That’s not what I said Jamie,” he speaks softly and James can see the brown hair starting at the roots again while the furrow of the eyebrow begins to form as well. James wants to make them go away again. 

“You don’t have to Teddy. It’s okay, you know? I don’t mind. I’m not going to cry my eyes out just because you don’t want to have anything with me Teds. I’m okay. And I promise I won’t pull any moves on you either,” he was hoping that his reassurance would make Teddy relax but instead his scowl deepens and his brown hair is rapidly over powering the mint green. James thinks maybe he should just give Teddy space so he gently squeezed the older boy’s forearm and he makes a move to leave, but then he’s being pulled back into a strong chest and Teddy’s face is nuzzling the crook of his neck. James is frozen and he doesn’t know what to do or say so he just lets him. 

“Stop assuming what I’m thinking Jamie. That isn’t what I said because it isn’t what I meant. You don’t make me uncomfortable,” he whispers and James can hear him right next to his ear and his voice is gentle and soothing so he relaxes against the others chest. He feels Teddy pull his head back to look down at him so he turns his head to look right back up at him. Teddy is beautiful. No matter how many years go by or what new lines he finds adorning the others' faces he can’t help but think that Teddy is the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. 

“Okay Teds. I’m sorry,” he relents. Teddys hair is back to mostly mint green and his face is adorning a small smile just for James. He feels Teddy quickly pressing his lips to his temple and he briefly closes his eyes savoring the moment. He feels like a child again trying to pretend he has the affections of a man he knows will never want him. 

Then the warmth is gone and Teddy is heading to the restroom to brush his teeth. James takes a deep breath and tries to remind himself that it’s just two weeks. Two weeks of being close to the man he’s in love with before he can hide out in the comfort of his dragons again. 

When they finally settle into bed James tries to put some space between them for Teddy’s sake, but the older catches on to what he’s doing and he seems to decide he isn’t going to allow it. He wraps his arms around his waist and pulls James into him until his back is firmly pressed against his chest and he’s safely tucked under Teddy’s chin. Then he throws a leg over James’ thigh and the younger boy tries not to think of how intimate it feels. 

“Is this okay Jamie?” Teddy whispers into the dark. James nods his head and relaxes his body in response. 

He’s too sleepy to notice when Teddy intertwines their hands and presses another kiss to his head. 

The week goes by quickly. There is a rush of different family members visiting everyday and discussions of Christmas preparations. James feels like he barely even has time to breath, and on the third day Teddy finally speaks up about how overwhelmed James looks. 

“Jamie?”

“Yeah Teds?”

They’re in the living room in a rare moment of quiet, and James has his eyes closed trying to put his breathing exercises into practice. 

“We can always go back to the flat if you feel too overwhelmed here,” and honestly James had forgotten all about the flat. He had assumed that Teddy found a new roommate or that he moved into a smaller place, and he tried to not feel too guilty about it.

“The flat? You still live there?” He asks as he opens his eyes slowly to look up at Teddy.

“Yeah I do”

“Won’t your roommate mind?”

“My-my roommate?”

“Well yeah...if it’s the same flat didn’t you get a new roommate after I left?”

Teddy suddenly looks like he wants the ground to open up and let him escape the conversation he got himself into. 

“No. I didn’t get a new roommate. Being a healer pays well, and I kept kind of hoping you would come back...one day...after Romania,” he admits and his hair is starting to turn red.

“Wait then why did you let me be your roommate for two years if you could’ve just found your own place?” James is trying really hard to settle the butterflies in his stomach at Teddy’s confession.

“I liked living with you. It felt...right...we fit well together...like puzzle pieces,” Teddy says and James wants to kiss him. He wants to throw all caution to the wind and kiss him and tell him they can fit together in more ways than just friends, but James has grown used to his impulsive urges and he just takes another deep breath. 

“Okay...we can go to the flat,” he relents. He really needs to get away from all the chaos. Teddy smiles at him, and they pack their things and let James’ parents know about the change in plans. 

James expects that the flat will look completely different, but when he walks in it looks almost the same. Everything is in the same place it always has been except that there’s a new couch, and James tries not to think about what he saw on the old one. The only differences he seems to make are that there are a lot of blankets strewn around and there are a new set of big speakers in the living room. Teddy walks him to his old room, and it looks the same way he left it the night he ran away except he could’ve sworn that he had left his bed made before he left, and now it looked recently slept in. He turns to Teddy with a questioning look and Teddy is blushing again as his hair turns red as well.

“I was sad when you were gone, and sometimes if I sleep here it almost feels like you’re still here,” he explains while looking anywhere but at James who is grinning like an idiot.

“Aw Teds if you wanted to sleep with me you could’ve just said,” he teases and Teddy rolls his eyes with a small laugh. Once they’ve settled down Teddy goes to the kitchen and he starts cooking something for them to eat, and James just sits and watches him with fondness. He suddenly remembers the vast amount of blankets and decides to ask.

“Teddy?” the other hums in acknowledgment so James continues. “Why do you have so many blankets everywhere?” Teddy stills for a minute before he relaxes again and briefly glances at James. 

“When you left I woke up because I felt like something was off. I got out of bed and I could feel how different the flat felt. It felt empty...like there were things missing so I went to check on you. When I found your room basically empty I started to panic. I looked for you and that’s how I ended up at your parents’ house that day,” Teddy talks about it gently like it pains him to think too much about it and it makes James ache, but Teddy continues before James can offer any comfort. “When you left to Romania I had to come back, and I hated how empty it felt without you. After I think around two weeks of feeling like I was going to explode from how unsettling it was to come home I pulled out some old blankets we had folded up in a cabinet. I instantly felt how the emptiness lessened a little, so I kept getting more blankets out, and when I ran out I went and bought some more. It still feels empty, but the blankets help make it more tolerable,” he concludes. He knows that the part of Teddy that has his father’s lycanthropy tends to be more sensitive to certain smells, noises and sensations so James thinks that the emptiness of the flat must have been even more prominent to him. James gets up quietly and he walks until he’s behind Teddy and he wraps his arms around the older man’s waist. He rests his head against his back and listens to Teddy’s steady breathing. 

“I’m so sorry I left like that, Ted. I really am,” he apologizes not for the first time. Teddy turns off the stove and he turns around in James’ hold. He tilts James’ face up towards him by the chin and James feels dizzy at the gesture. 

“Stop apologizing Jamie. It’s in the past now. And you being here makes the emptiness go almost completely away,” he assures him and James realy really wants to fucking kiss Teddy. He feels the way that Teddy’s hand goes from holding his chin to cupping his jaw, and he can’t help but look at Teddy’s lips. He wants to know what he tastes like. What it would feel to kiss Teddy and have him kiss him back. He doesn’t even notice that he’s leaning in until he hears the other whisper his name.

“Jamie”

And suddenly James is back in his old kitchen and he is almost nose to nose with the man he’s been in love with for ten years. Teddy is looking at him like he’s scared and James is pulling back so fast it almost gives him whiplash. He almost kissed Teddy and Teddy looked scared. Fucking hell. 

“I’m sorry Teds. I-I don’t know what happened. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen-”

Then he feels his back against the wall and it seems that Teddy is pressed against him everywhere. He’s looking at James with a determined look in his eyes. He almost looks angry, and James really wants to disappear because he hates when Teddy is angry with him, but then Teddy is leaning down and his mouth is so close to James’ own. 

“Jamie...Jamie please let me kiss you,” Teddy whispers and James can feel the question on his lips. Why does Teddy want to kiss him? Why does he sound so desperate like he won’t survive if James says no? And James has dreamt of this moment so many times since he was twelve but he never thought it would really happen. It feels like a dream, and even in his dreams James can’t possibly deny Teddy what he has always hoped the older would take for his own, so James opts out of answering with words. He leans in the rest of the way and their lips are pressed together. 

Finally.

He hears the way Teddy’s breath catches and then he finds his hands tugging gently at Teddy’s hair while the latter has his hands cupping James’ face like he’s something precious. They both have tightly shut eyes and they’re kissing and James thinks he can die like this. 

James pulls back first, but Teddy chases after him like he can’t get enough of him.

Breathing becomes a necessity, and eventually they have both pulled back enough to breath while they lean their foreheads against one another. 

James opens his eyes first, and he can see Teddy’s blissed out face as if he finally feels at peace. James wants to relish it, but the questions start to come into his mind again, and now he’s scared.

“Teddy?” he calls out and the other opens his eyes slowly and blinks down at James. He’s looking at him like he has never seen something more beautiful, and it’s making James feel dizzy.

“Teddy why did you do that?” he continues because he needs to know. He needs to know this isn’t some stupid way of Teddy making it up to James for not having known the younger was in love with him.

“Because I wanted to”

“But why Teddy? You’ve never even shown an interest in me. If it’s because you feel bad then please-”

“James,” Teddy’s voice comes out a little hard and it makes James want to hide but he can't because he’s quite literally pressed up between a wall and the man he’s in love with.

“James I would never play with your emotions like that. You’ve got to know that,” Teddy searches his eyes almost pleadingly and James does know that. He knows Teddy would never intentionally hurt him like that.

“I’m in love with you Jamie,” he continues when he finds what he’s looking for in James’ eyes. 

“What?”

“I’m in love with you. I think I’ve been in love with you since you were eighteen and I kidnapped you so you wouldn’t run away from me anymore,” He confesses and James wants to cry and kiss Teddy all over again because it’s happening. Teddy is in love with him, and he’s in love with Teddy.

“But-”

“I know it sounds like it isn’t true but it is. I almost kissed you that night but you were so young...you still are Jamie, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Then I asked you to move in with me and it was almost perfect because it felt right to be with you like that. To come home to you every day, but I started to get urges to kiss you and-and to just fucking make you mine in every way, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry you found me and that girl fucking on the couch. I was trying to find an outlet for everything I was feeling and I didn’t think you’d be home so early, but fuck when I saw your face Jamie,” he starts slowly rubbing his thumbs over James’ cheeks and the latter feels the tears coming. “I saw how devastated you looked and I was terrified. You wouldn’t see me or eat and I wanted to explain, but I didn’t even know how to explain what I felt. Then you left. You left and I was going to go insane looking for you,” and Teddy is crying too and James wants to kiss him and make the tears stop but Teddy isn’t done. “When you told me you were leaving I felt like I died inside. I wanted to kiss you when we went to the park, and when we watched movies and you looked so happy, and again when we said goodbye and you didn’t turn back to look at me like I was hoping you would,” James leans his forehead against Teddy’s again and he can feel their tears mixing. 

“Teddy”

“I'm not done yet Jamie. Let me finish before I chicken out,” Teddy pleads.

“Okay”

“When you left I was terrified you would disappear on me and I was ready to go to Romania and look for you. I couldn’t just let you go completely. And every time that you said you wanted to get over me for my sake and for yours I wanted to beg you not to. I wanted you to wait for me to catch up with what I was feeling for you Jamie. And I know you said that you’re still in love with me but I think that I’m finally caught up so please don't stop loving me,” and Teddy sounds like he’s begging James. Like he’s at James’ mercy.

“Teddy I could never stop loving you,” James finally says and Teddy sighs in relief before they start kissing again.

When things get heated and James feels himself softly grinding into Teddy the older man pulls back a little.

“Jamie,” he groans. “Give me some time to love you from square one yeah?” and James gets it. He gets that Teddy wants to take things slow so he nods and puts more space between their bodies. Teddy smiles at him apologetically before pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

They try to get their emotions back in check and they eat the diner Teddy had been making. Afterwards they shower (separately) and then get ready for bed. The whole time Teddy keeps looking at James like he put the stars in the sky and smiling at him like he can’t believe they’re here at this moment. It makes James feel like he’s flying. 

James tries to sleep but he keeps remembering Teddy’s confession of sleeping in James’ old bed sometimes so he gets up and quietly walks to Teddy’s room. He knocks on the door and he hears some shuffling before the door is being opened and a very much awake Teddy is standing in front of him. 

“Everything okay Jamie?” he asks concerned. Instead of answering, James just takes Teddy’s hand and he drags the other to his room. Teddy catches on quickly and they’re cuddled up under James’ old covers in no time. This time they’re facing each other and when James gets the urge to kiss Teddy he actually does so. It’s soft and gentle, and it has them both smiling like idiots.

“I love you Teddy,” James whispers and it sounds like a confirmation. It sounds like he’s confirming that he has always thought that Teddy is heaven on Earth, and that when Teddy laughs James swears he can see him glow. It sounds like James is confirming that he has loved Teddy for the past ten years and that he will continue to love him for however much time he has left. It no longer sounds like a confession of something he wishes he could change. It just tastes like honey on his lips.

“I love you Jamie,” and it almost makes James cry because he can hear the way Teddy is confirming his side of this love to James. It sounds like Teddy can taste the honey on his tongue where it traced James’ lips. 

They fall asleep holding each other, and the last thing James thinks is that they’ll be okay. They’ll figure this out together because James loves Teddy and Teddy loves him back and that’s enough for now.