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‘Tears come at the fact that I’m alone
The darkness and the ocean feel lonely’
“Why are you here alone?”
That was the first thing I heard when you came to me. It was raining heavily and I'm all drenched. I still remember that I was sitting all alone at the bench at night. No one at the park, It's only me until you come .
“you're all soaked, are you okay? you might get sick” you asked again, I wished that I can answer but I don't know why it's hard to speak. At that time, I was all tired. I don't know where to go nor what I'm supposed to do.
you gave your umbrella to me, and when I looked at your face
you're beautiful .
My mouth locked, just by seeing your face makes me feel something different ( something that makes me realized that you’re brighter to me than any star ever could be )
That night was so dark, only the neon sign board store and street lights that illuminated the park.
Your face looks so bright, your smile is so wide, your eyes are so pretty. I could've seen stars in your eyes.
“thank you”
I don't know why that's the only word that came out of my mouth. I want to say that you are beautiful but I'm so .. shy? I don't know, I still sound hopeless after all.
After you asked me to go home and gave me your umbrella, you didn't right away leave me. You just sit besides me, I'm still wondering why.
Maybe you saw how pathetic i look back then
“I’m choi soobin”
Choi soobin, the name that will never stop lingering in my mind. That's you.
“what’s your name?”
“taehyun, kang taehyun” you just nodded after I said my name.
“look taehyun-ah, I don't know what happened to you, but I'm just dropping here to say no matter what happened please don't give up okay?” you looked into my eyes, or maybe I'm the one who looked at you — and I can't even take my eyes off from you.
I never received any support and no one has ever come to me and comfort me everytime I feel lost. Not even my parents.
“Do you have a home ? or are you living here nearby? I can take you home if you want” you smile again, seems like smiling is easy for you. You must have a good life isn't?
“I don't want to go home, I might just sit here for a while ” I said, still holding your umbrella. It feels awkward, honestly. I don't know what to say anymore but do you know; at the same time, I want you to stay with me for longer.
We’re strangers , but I want to feel loved too.
I am so pathetic, embarrassing. Yes I am looking so desperately for love and now I even asked the ‘ loves ’ from strangers who just approached me because he was worried about seeing a kid sitting alone in the rain.
“hmm.. then I’ll bring you to my home? If you are okay with”
I was confused, you really want to bring random people to your house? It makes me wonder if people like you exist ?
people must've liked you a lot.
Something might be wrong with my mind but I ended up following you. You drove me home to your house. I don't know how long the ride is since I accidentally fell asleep inside your car and I woke up when we had already reached your house.
You lived in an apartment, I still remember you stayed at floor 7 . As we entered, the room was empty. So I thought you lived alone.
“here’s my clothes, you can wear it for today”
you gave me an umbrella and now even your clothes? What actually is on your mind? Why are you being so kind.. or are you always like this everytime you see a miserable person /like me/?
________
It feels cozy, I feel comfortable and safe.
“oh hey, you've showered? come here I made hot chocolate and some cookies if you would like to have before sleep” said you while placing the cookies and two cups of hot choco at the table.
“sleep?” I sputters , I swear if my dad found out I'm at someone's house ( more likely strangers ) he would've beaten me up.
But that doesn't matter at all, I'm used to it and I am tired enough just by thinking about it. The pain that I held for many years feels like it's gone for a while after I meet you, soobin hyung.
“oh hmm, or do you want to go home after having these snacks?”
It got me dazed, If I go home by now as I said I would've got beaten up. I took a glance at the clock and it literally showed 1 am in the morning.
Think taehyun think
Will it be worth it if I sleep at your house today? That was what I'm thinking about.
__________________
“That's so wrong! he shouldn't treat you like that” I can see the anger in your face as I talked about some of my back story.
You asked me to say anything that I want. I never shared any of my stories with anyone, I trust no one. But with you,
Couldn't explain why but with you, I told you about my back stories to you. I am out of my mind am I?
There are many topics that we can talk about yet I'm choosing to share about my life. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but I have no one to rants about. I think I just took it as a chance for me to relieve everything .
I told you that I was being beaten up since I was child. My dad said he was just being strict and worried if I failed to have a good life , but I think he was just out of line .
My dad beat me everytime I did something wrong, even /small/ things.
“by any chance, is your mom okay with you?”
“I lost my mom when I was 6”
“I'm so sorry, I don't know—”
“no it's okay, it's fine you don't need to sorry” I said as your face looked so worried,
“do you want to talk about something else? or do you want to sleep already? since it's 2am now” you tried to change the topic, I'm sorry again for making you feel uncomfortable.
“I'm not sleepy yet… how about you?”
“I usually sleep late.. I can up until you want to sleep”
and we spent that time talking about each other's stories. We talked about how interested you are in baking, about how you like plants a lot, you used to wear yellow shirts when you were a kid and we even talked about raccoons. It was full of random stuff but it cheers me up. At least I know that you're having a lovely life.
It was fun to talk with you even for a while.
________________
‘Yesterday’s time was so lonely
And painful things come so easily
I’m afraid of tomorrow and tears come’
I woke up and I was in your room. It's a bit upsetting that I didn't remember well how the night ended.
As I opened the door, I saw you still sleeping on the couch. I feel so horrible, you really letting me sleep on your comfy bed while you're on the couch.
I walked closer to you, I bent down until our faces were on the same level. How can you sleep so beautifully? your hair was blown by the wind from the fan, it's so pretty
you are so pretty, soobin hyung
you look like the moon that always shines brightly, making people around you happy just by looking at you.
your soft plum lips were taking my attention, why do I feel like— Ah it can't be, Why do I suddenly feel that way when I definitely shouldn't.
I'm just sitting in front of you and waiting until you wake up. It could be so weird if I leave your house right away without saying anything. So I'm just staring at your mesmerizing face, just like how a star amazed by how bright the moon is .
I am the /little/ star and you’re the moon
As I just look at you, you suddenly rub your eyes “ah you’re awake, good morning” I smiled as I approached you. “uhm morning, how long have you been awake?” you asked.
“I just woke up too”
“Actually I want to say that I need to go home now” even honestly, I don't want to. I want to stay here longer, staying with you is more safe than anything else.
nonetheless, what can I do?
“mmm let's have some breakfast first?”
_________________
That morning, we had our breakfast together. You said that you learned cooking from your sister and I can say that you did it so well. Everytime you talked about yourself making me want to know more about you. I want to ask you to keep talking, your stories are way more interesting than mine.
Our morning started with laughs and giggles,
I don't remember when was the last time I felt so happy before I met you. Since that night until the next morning, you take care of me so dearly. You gave me your clothes /even the clothes are oversized to me/. You made me hot chocolate and cookies, you let me sleep in your room, now you made me breakfast.
I didn't see you murmuring or complaining about me. I was so worried if my existence in your life burdens you.
Everything was fun until we reached the time where I needed to go. It was fun until I needed to leave you. Maybe you’re completely fine with it, you may not feel reluctant but I am.
I don't want to go
“Here's your clothes, also you can take my clothes so don't need to give it back to me, ” you gave me a paper bag that filled with my clothes. I just nodded and said thank you to you. Out of sudden, you held my hands. “taehyun-ah, take care of yourself okay? don’t hurt yourself, don't be afraid to speak yourself, it's okay to be sad but the next day make sure that you can stand up and be way more stronger than yesterday, fighting?” you smiled, again.
‘taehyun ah’ no one called my name so fondly.
“I will, thank you so much for everything, I'm sorry if I ever bothered you”
I want to say a lot to you but that's all I can say to you, I was mad at myself. I want to say that you're the most precious person, the one who takes care of me so well even just for a day.
“Noo, you don't have to be sorry , It's okay I hope we’ll meet again.”
_______________
No we didn't.
Since that day, I can't stop thinking about you, I want to see you again, I want to say that I am so grateful to meet a person like you. I have gained my confidence, I finally found myself again.
I did everything that you said, you make me way more better than before.
This is all because of you, soobin hyung.
I missed you so much,
Within one day, I think I am in love with you. Your sweet voice always lingers in my mind, your kind words, your warm hands, your pretty eyes and your smile is like the sunrise, that sets the clouds aflame and brightens my world. When your hand touches mine. It feels like the galaxies collide,
Thus, everything about you never leaves my mind.
That's when I realized I am really in love with you. In love with the one who randomly approached me when I was all drenched, alone.
you’re like blue skies, warm rays of sun and lush green nature, in the way life never feels complete without you .
I still remember where I'm trying to find you, I go to your house again after one month deciding if I should go back to you or not.
As I arrived, I finally infront of your door, I was so excited. I'm really sure this is your house, I want to see your face again, I missed your comforting words. Without hesitation, I rang the bell, but you didn't answer. I thought you were going out or somewhere for awhile, so I just waited. It feels like almost 30 minutes but I still didn't see you. Where were you?
“little guy, what are you doing here?” I immediately turned back as I heard someone talking to me. I saw a 30 years old woman approach me. “oh do you know a guy who lives here? He lives here alone, do you know where he is ?”
“ahh you mean soobin? He already moved out a week ago, but i don't know where he lives now. He didn't tell you?”
“oh i see, thank you”
I don't have your number, so how can I know about this? I don't have any information about you that I can find you again. Maybe, If I came a week earlier we could've met again. How can you say we’ll meet again if we didn't have each other's numbers or maybe any other information .
Till now, I’m still thinking about you, and the only thing that is left is your blue oversized shirts.
‘I love you
Words I want to tell myself
It took too long to say’
I'm finally set up my mind, I want to tell you,
I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow and until I die. And, if there’s a life after that, I'll love you then again. Till we meet again, choi soobin .
Thank you for comforting me .
— kang taehyun.