Chapter Text
Hajime had a mundane life despite how chaotic and detrimental Japan after coping with the pandemic. Hearing the news of a vaccine should be enlightening, not putting every country in a tense cold war. As every nation’s leader put it, it was for “the growth of their country” and “to keep your family and loved ones alive for there are too many tears shed in this nightmare”. Hajime personally thought it was just to monopolise and capitalise the vaccines for their egoistic ideals to feed their lavish lives, but who is a mere doctor to defy the unstoppable power of capitalism. Everyone is a slave to money and the government would always push the concept of “utilitarianism” for any critics. Who knows when their leaders later turn their backs from their people and make them pay an insane amount of money no one would afford. Funny how greed and selfishness were still present even when the world is heading to an inescapable end.
The only thing that he wanted to do was to stop thinking about the world’s unending problems and the eventual apocalypse looming over humankind, instead, fall into the warm embrace of Tooru. Damn, he missed Tooru so much from all these strained shifts working in the front lines. Keeping composure when your patients hold your hand in their last moment, offering only anxious passing is tiring. Hajime wished to hold someone warm, someone alive to escape such melancholy given from a stranger when their families were absent, then paid him extra as a gesture of gratitude. Tooru, bless his heart, melts his stoicism and anger and distracts Hajime with his stories of how Makki always went with him to the therapy centre just to meet with Matsukawa, Tooru’s co-worker. Then, Tooru would joke around to free his frowns and stiff shoulders from carrying all the guilt from the lives he was too late to save.
“Baby, you know I married you because you are an attractive person,” Tooru once said. Hajime remembered vividly it was in their small kitchen but enough for them to move and dine. He was holding his hand, and subsequently kissing it softly in which his husband would comment that it tickles.
“Yeah? You saying I am ugly now?” He grunted back in response.
A little chuckle escaped Tooru and he kissed his nape as ticklish revenge. “Nope, just thought that I am living with a grumpy gorilla all of the sudden.”
And they playfully go back and forth with this banter until Hajime laughed lightly. Tooru would always brush his hair oh so lovingly and smiled dazzlingly in Hajime’s eyes. They would kiss and embrace one another till the moon rises. Wordlessly, they understand this gesture was a reminder that they were each other’s anchor. They were each other’s fresh air from this muddled, tiring, and depressing life.
Tooru needs Hajime and Hajime needs Tooru. That is it, nothing less and nothing more complicated than that.
Any dreads and negativity Hajime went through, Tooru never failed to wash them off him. But the world can be so irresistibly infuriating and unfair. Hajime was walking to their house but he was distracted by the loud sirens that passed him. His breathing grew rapid once he saw the ambulance and fire trucks stopped near their neighbourhood. Hajime ran with all his might, fearing for everything and panic ensued. He saw black smoke and he gasped at the horrid scenery. Their house, partly engulfed in fire and their little garden, all soot and black. Their little Ginko tree Tooru always called “Little Bo” when he was watering them before going to work, was gone alongside the house. Hajime realised one thing on the remains of their house. If there is no Tooru, the dread manifests.
A little tap on the shoulder brought him back to reality. He slowly turned around and saw a policeman with his walkie-talkie on his left shoulder, static sounds interrupting Hajime’s confused daze. Hajime blinked slowly and cocked his head up and straightened his back, just like in the hospital. It’s a habit of his, but also an unconscious, futile attempt to brace oneself from the waves of bad news.
“Are you Iwaizumi Hajime?” the police asked. His hands fumbled in his breast pocket and Hajime could not help but stare blankly at the simple motion. He proceeded to slowly nod when they locked eyes to make sure his mind does not go astray. The police cleared his throat and further asked, “Do you live with someone?”
Hajime felt a pang in his chest and once again nodded at the question. The police awkwardly put his hand on his shoulder as an act of sympathy. Hajime’s mind turned into fireworks of panic.
“Where is he?” Throat locked, yet he forced himself to let out a sound. The tips of his fingers slowly turned numb and his knees weak yet unable to move.
“Sorry, Iwaizumi-san?”
“Don’t fuck with me! Where is Tooru?” He growled. He knew he was in the wrong but he doesn’t have any energy or patience left. He needs Tooru, right now.
The policeman looked down and muttered something to his walkie-talkie. Hajime was then ushered to an ambulance. There he saw a simple makeshift bed cot and ran as fast as his legs could.
There, he sees a hand peeking out of the cloth. A gold ring on the fourth finger and Hajime knew it too well. It is the same ring on his hand, the symbol of marriage. Yet, the country does not acknowledge their relationship. Of course, they are rebels at heart so they still get a ring for each other albeit no official authorities approving them because fuck them. The same policeman put his hand on Hajime’s shoulder and he felt like he was melting to the ground. The cloth unveiled and Hajime just took the hand without any second-guessing. He knew it was Tooru, despite the mangled body in the same colour as the soot. It was unsightly, any sensitive soul would throw up from the smell of charred flesh and blood. However, it didn’t stop Hajime from cradling the remains of his Tooru. Somehow, he was looking for any signs of life. He was hoping to hear his love’s heartbeats, even in the faintest but only his own filled his ears. Sadness engulfed him, he wanted to scream or cry but Hajime kept his stoic expression. He felt empty, it felt like he became a jest on a big stage, all spotlights pointed at him.
The wave of sadness now subsided, and the next came the regret. He remembered this morning he didn’t hug Tooru long enough, kiss Tooru deep enough, and say “I love you” more seriously. He should have helped Tooru make breakfast instead of sleeping in. He should have played with the warm chestnut locks more. He should have wiped Tooru’s tears that one time they got into fights. He should have let his stubbornness go for Tooru and let him have a cat. He should have held Tooru closer in his arms so he could smell Tooru’s scent.
He should have given Tooru his everything. Now, he wonders if Tooru only deserves his everything.
The regrets filled his lungs and it stings. He can’t breathe at all, his eyes were out of focus, and he can’t feel his limbs. He wants to see Tooru. He needs Tooru. He can’t see Tooru. He can’t hold Tooru anymore.
He was disassociating. Suddenly, he remembered Tooru’s advice.
Baby, look at me. Give me three things that you can see.
The pavement. The Ambulance. A policeman.
Good, now tell the three things you hear.
The siren. The wind. His heartbeat.
You are doing great. Now, the three things you feel.
The cold wind. The hand on his shoulder. His pants that every so often brushes his legs when the wind blows.
He inhaled sharply and turned to the policeman. The policeman looked back at him in subtle confusion and curiosity. He can only muster, “Where did you find the body?”
The policeman told him that Tooru was inside the house when the bomb hit their house. The team suspected that Tooru took a direct hit and was unable to escape to safety. The thought of Tooru unable to run away clenched his heart and Hajime just sat down on the pavement. He should have not taken the extra shift and be home with Tooru. At least Tooru wouldn’t die alone, and they would just die beside each other. Why bother living when Tooru is not here with him. With the death of his husband, the bomb symbolized a starting spark for war between the countries. Worse, he has to go through this alone. No, no, it would be selfish of him to drag Tooru into this living hell. But then again, how can he cope with this all alone?
Without knowing, he let out a cry. His lungs let the pain out with his tears. He wailed and sobbed hard, screaming with only his hand trying to trap the sound. He didn’t know how to break the news to their parents. But still, his fingers already hovered to the number of his mother. He clicked on it despite his ragged breathing, his body shivering. He didn’t know what to do at this point. He only wants Tooru back with him, in their house.
“Oh? Hajime, are you done with your work?” His mother's voice reeled him back to reality. In the background, Hajime noticed that his mother is doing laundry. He kept his voice in and didn't know how to start the conversation. He looked back at their house and the ambulance. He didn’t know where to start.
“Mom”, he finally said a word. He tried to swallow his sadness and stayed as informational as possible. “Tooru is gone.”
Every mother knows that their child is in agony even without words. He told everything in between his sobs and his mother silently listened to her son. Somehow, Hajime felt guilty for being vulnerable towards his own mother. He later muttered an apology to her for not being the strong son he promised.
“Hajime, you are not weak for asking for my help,” Mrs Iwaizumi said gently, almost whispering from the other end. Hajime however, cannot stop his sobbing and tears and just grunted in response. He heard his mother ask him if he wanted to stay with them back in Miyagi. Hajime just said yes, since he had no more plans.
At this point, he wanted to do nothing and just sit on the asphalt road, looking at their house, trying to wake up from this nightmare. Before the phone call ended, Mrs Iwaizumi said that she would arrange everything for Hajime for the trip and all he was left to do was to pack his stuff, help arrange a funeral ceremony for his husband and live.
Meeting the Oikawas felt like a punishment to Hajime. His vow to Tooru and his family was to keep him safe while they are together. Now he was visiting his in-laws breaking the news that he failed to do that. He expected to be screamed at, insulted at, or even slapped by Tooru’s parents for neglecting his duty and letting him die alone. Instead, he was greeted with a warm hug from Oikawa’s father. He was a spitting image of Tooru, but instead of chestnut hair, streaks of grey highlights glinted. Hajime reciprocated the hug by giving a little brief squeeze to Mr Oikawa. He bowed to his mother-in-law and it became a blur. He can’t focus on a single and nods away in obedience as both his parents and his in-laws are discussing the future. Hajime intended to bow and thank them all as well as apologize for being incompetent in helping to organize the ceremony but he was stopped by his mother. Ms Iwaizumi dismissed her son gently by patting both his tense shoulders. Mrs Oikawa smiled and told him to rest in Tooru’s bedroom.
When he opened the door, a whiff of nostalgia welcomed him warmly. It felt like he went into another world. The room was pristine, untouched from the outside world with a hint of occasional cleaning. It felt like the room was stuck in time, Hajime inhaled the air full of memories. He laid down on Tooru’s bed that now barely fits them anymore. He embraced the memories of when they were just little and they had their first kiss in this bed on one summer day. He chuckled when he remembered Tooru huffing and whining that his first kiss was not at a romantic place.
“Iwa-chan! Didn’t I tell you that I want my first kiss to be on top of a mountain and snowing! Not when we are sweaty and in my bedroom! This is so unromantic! You horny gorilla!” Tooru crossed his arms, lips pouting in an exaggerated sulk.
Hajime frowned and averted his gaze.
“Not my fault when you look this cute,” he mumbled softly to himself. Before he could catch himself, Tooru’s pouty lips slowly turned into a sly, arrogant smirk.
“Oh? Iwa-chan. Aren’t you being a bit too honest here? Is the alpha, short-tempered gorilla finally tamed by the benevolent, gallant, and handsome Oikawa Tooru?” Oikawa taunted. A shove came from his side and he lost his balance. He toppled over to the bed and grunted upon contact. “What was that for!”
“Shut up, you fucking trash gorilla!”
“Wha-!” Tooru gawked in disbelief. “Iwa-chan! so mean! Why are you even dating me then, if it’s not for my handsome face, good heart, and charisma?”
This time, Hajime looked into Tooru’s eyes and sat across him. Tooru straightened his back and gulped.
“Because you are Tooru and I have never loved anyone more than you.”
The wind chime tunes ringed into his ear. Hajime slowly opened his eyes and saw the ceiling. He must have fallen asleep. He knew that he was tired, but he couldn't bring himself to sleep even for a little after Tooru left him. He was scared that the nightmare of the bomb would haunt him and overwrite his memory with Tooru, so he chose to stay awake and guard it. This is the first time he fell asleep with ease and it was in Tooru’s bed. It was as if Tooru was trying to tell him that it’s Tooru’s turn to defend their memories and Hajime to take a rest. Hajime softly smiled and let out a single chuckle, a streak of tears rolled down his cheeks.
“Fuck, I missed you Tooru.”
He left the bed and stretched to relieve his sore body from the constant crying and tensing. Grieving took a part of him, he was almost sure he slept for a hundred years from the accumulating fatigue lately. He glanced at the table where Tooru used to spend his nights analysing every volleyball match. There, he saw something that’s unfamiliar. He saw an empty chest, big enough to put his forearm in. The glass chest was also decorated with a simple, thin ivory white ribbon holding a little yellowed paper tag.
Hajime flipped the little paper and a tinge of sadness strummed in his heart. The handwriting was none other than Tooru’s, and it said: “write me a letter if you miss me dearly”. He exhaled to soothe his whirlwind of emotions. He wondered if he were to write something Tooru could come back to him. Not even a week has gone by and Hajime still cannot let go of Tooru. He wanted Tooru to come to his arms, his rough hands, and fuck, even let Tooru squeeze his cheeks when they were bantering like the old times. Hajime wanted Tooru to get angry at him for leaving his shoes in the entryway even though he would just grunt in annoyance and hug his love so tight. He wants Tooru here, right now.
Tooru, Tooru, Tooru. Oikawa Tooru is who he wants.
A gentle knock was heard, bringing Hajime back to the present from the sadness. It was Mrs Oikawa. For a woman in her early 60s, she still looked elegant as before. No wonder Tooru turned into a fine young man, inside and out. She prompted Hajime to sit on the bed with her and Hajime held out his arms to make sure Mrs Oikawa was properly seated on the bed. Hajime looked down to his feet, expecting her to blame him for what happened to his son.
“Hajime, I know deep down you are blaming yourself for what happened,” she started and stroked his arms to ease his tensed muscle. “But please, take time to forgive yourself. It is hard, and I missed my boy so much too. But Hajime, I don’t want you to bear the burden yourself. I also regretted the things I said to my son and the things I should have said before it was too late.”
Hajime realised that Mrs Oikawa shed a tear and offered her a tissue to wipe it, despite his wet cheeks. She continues, “I almost blamed you for what happened”.
This shocked Hajime and he looked at his mother-in-law’s eyes. He was in utter disbelief from the confession, since he should have been blamed for what happened. He wondered how much self-control his mother-in-law had. He asked, “but why didn’t you?”
Mrs Oikawa sniffled and chuckled gently. This time, she wiped Hajime’s wet cheeks with her little fingers.
“Because I know you did well, my boy”, she said. “You gave him the happiness he deserved. Hajime you are the only person there in his worst nightmares and his best daydream. You held his hand even after Tooru punched you in one of your worst fights. You cried with him when it was the darkest hours and you laughed with him in the brightest.”
She took a shaky breath and held Hajime’s hand.
“You are the person that loved him till his death.”
Mrs Oikawa pulled him into a warm embrace. Such a simple gesture, yet enough to unravel all the choked sobs and tears Hajime tried to hold. He broke into a sobbing mess, grasping his mother-in-law scared from drowning in his tears. It still hurts, but this gave him a little space to breathe because now he knows he was not alone.
After Hajime calmed down, Mrs Oikawa guided him downstairs and asked him to hold on to the chest. He initially rejected the offer but Mrs Oikawa insisted, saying that Hajime might need it more than her. So, here he is walking back home with a chest in his arms. It was already night when they reached his parents’ house. He took a shower and brushed his teeth, getting ready to sleep.
Except, that night he can’t stop thinking about the chest. He turned under the duvet and saw the chest glinting under the moonlight.
Write me a letter if you miss me dearly.
And so, here he was writing at 2 in the morning. He was hoping that writing a letter could help him fall asleep. He stared at the blank white paper and realized it has been long since he wrote in his childhood table as he used to in high school. He is getting old. He inhaled and let his feelings guide his fingers to craft words. He hoped to high heavens Tooru see this letter and grant his wish to sleep tonight.
Tooru,
It has been a week since you left me alone. I miss you, even all that whining and that ugly sobbing. Truth is, I think your crying face is so cute even though it hurts every time I see you cry. I miss waking up in the morning with you. Doing laundry becomes a favourite chore when we do it together. The thought of you in the house alone and scared from the explosion ripped me apart, it hurts to think that you have to go through that alone. I am so selfish Tooru, I wished that I took your place so you lived, or at least we could die together.
Guess it really was “Till death do us part”.
I miss you. They took you too sudden and too fast. My Tooru. Please, I just wanted to see you and hold you. Every day I hoped that it was just a nightmare, but it would be stupid to fool myself with that lie. But still, I am writing a letter to a dead person so I guess I am still a fool. The day we buried you is also where my heart was also buried with these stifling feelings of our moments becoming memories. I love you so much Tooru, I can’t go on alone. Not a single day I stopped thinking about you. I don’t know what to do anymore, not without you.
Please, come home to me.
Hajime
His hand stopped and Hajime breathed heavily, tears streaming down again. God how many times is he going to cry, it hurts. The pen rolled away as his fingers had no more energy holding it upright to write another letter. He sighed and looked down at his always barely readable handwriting. He proceeded to fold the paper into four parts and put the letter in the chest. He stretched a bit and went crawling under the duvet. This time, his eyes are heavy but his chest light. Hajime eventually slips into unconsciousness.