Chapter Text
“You said that I’d get to have you all weekend. Why can’t you just tell them you can’t go?” Hajime demanded, crossing his arms, before uncrossing them and running a hand through his hair.
Even before he says those words, he knows how painfully useless it is. This isn’t something they can just, run away from.
It was a nervous habit that he had never truly broken. The words Makoto had said just a few moments ago rotting inside his brain. He still hadn’t made sense of any of it, couldn’t force his mind to properly digest the words, and when he didn’t understand something, he went into his default mode, defensive.
Makoto must have felt his anger and frustration, because he walked over to him and pushed his head into the crack between Hajime’s shoulder and neck, wrapping his arms around him in an attempt at comfort.
Hajime hated to admit that it worked.
“Because it’s my job,” Makoto breathed out, eyes creasing in a lack of mirth and curving in a bittersweet kind of amusement. “And it’s important.”
They don’t trust me anymore. They want to keep their eyes on me. I’m in trouble because of you
“And I’m not?” Hajime whispered, and he knows he’s being cruel for no reason, knows he’s hurting Makoto over something that he can’t control, but he’s scared, and when he gets scared he points fingers at whoever he can, just to feel better about himself.
Makoto says nothing, simply clenching his arms around him tighter. Hajime brought his arms up to clench him back, nuzzling his face into Makoto’s nape.
Hajime felt Makoto smile against his shoulder. “It’ll be fine. Me, Kyoko, and Byakuya are just going to go to the Future Foundation for a little while, and then we’ll come back. No big deal”
But it was a big deal. It was a huge deal because Makoto had been summoned on account of his treason. He had been summoned for his execution.
Execution. God how he hated that word.
Makoto hated it too. Makoto wanted to throw up when he saw the email, demanding his return. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream, but Makoto was far stronger than Hajime. He held himself together, even when his light was beginning to flicker.
Hajime wouldn’t , couldn't let his light die. He didn’t know if he would be able to handle that again.
Hajime felt nauseous, his friends, Nagito’s, Chiaki’s executions flashing through his mind.
His mind slowly worked around the bloody scenes, placing Makoto into every one of them, until Hajime felt like he would collapse from how utterly scared he was.
No. He would do whatever it took to protect him. Whatever it took.
“You, you don’t have to,” Hajime swallowed around the huge boulder in his throat. “You can stay” stay here. With me.
Makoto laughed, pulling himself out of Hajime’s tight grip and gracing his boyfriend with a smile. “Hajime, you know I can’t do that” he whispers, as though if he says it quiet enough it will soften the impact of the painfully truthful words.
“I’ll come back” Makoto whispers, tracing his fingers over Hajime’s chest. “I promise”
Right. Hajime just has to hope. He has to hope for everything to be alright. He has to hope that Makoto will come home safe. Because he has to, he just has to. There’s nothing else he can do.
If you were still Kamukura you wouldn’t have even hesitated to keep him safe. Kamukura would’ve killed thousands of Future Foundation employees to keep him safe, but what can you do? You’re just useless unreliable Hajime, and he’s going to die. You’re going to have to watch him die just like Chiaki-
Hajime looked at his hands, and for a moment, just a moment, he imagined they had harsh long black fingernails, imagined he had a face full of makeup and lips smeared with lipstick. He imagined he was wearing a tight black and white suit, and for a moment, he could see black tendrils of hair fall into his vision.
He turned to look in the mirror, and it was Kamukura who stared back.
For a moment, just a moment, Hajime entertained the idea of doing something terrible.
But only for a moment, before he took a deep breath, and pushed that part of him down into depths where it couldn’t hurt anyone.
Makoto was still staring at him, concern lining his features as Hajime took his hand into his and intertwined them, leaning down to bring their foreheads together.
As he led the younger towards the boat that may or may not be taking him to his death, when all he wanted to do was lay in their bed and drown in each other, Hajime thought.
‘I have to hope that Makoto will be okay. He will be okay.
But just in case...if he, dies
Just for a moment, I’ll indulge.’
Because if he couldn’t have what he wanted, the future he felt he deserved, then why should anybody else?