Work Text:
Shi Guang is pacing.
He'd been calm until about ten minutes ago. He'd eaten dinner, washed the dishes, and cleaned the living room.
Okay, maybe he hadn't been calm, but he hadn't been pacing, either.
Until now. Cause Yu Liang is late.
Shi Guang's head is lying on Yu Liang's chest. He can't see his rival's face from this position, but Yu Liang‘s hand is lightly stroking his hair. It's a nice feeling. Yu Liang's heart is still beating fast, even though they'd stopped kissing minutes ago.
Kissing.
It will take some time to wrap his head around that one. If they weren't both still on the sofa, he'd suspect that he was in some type of hallucination or even a daydream - but that kiss still lingered on his lips, undeniably real.
He doesn't really know what to do next. His thoughts are kind of blank. He just knows that he can hear Yu Liang's heartbeat and feel Yu Liang‘s fingers in his hair and that it's warm. So warm.
He doesn't know how long they've been lying there, when:
"Shi Guang."
It's kind of a relief that Yu Liang is the first one to speak, and yet Shi Guang also feels a sudden dread. Relief, because Shi Guang honestly can't be sure what he'd have blurted out if he'd at some point decided to open his mouth, and dread, because now there is a ball of fear forming in his stomach. Yu Liang's voice just now sounded a bit strangled. What if he's about to tell him that this was all a terrible mistake or a misunderstanding or-
He must have unconsciously tensed up, because Yu Liang makes a humming noise, and the fingers still running through Shi Guang‘s hair apply a bit more pressure as if to show that yes, Yu Liang is aware of what he's doing right now and yes, he’s content with it. Yet, Shi Guang can hear him swallow before he finds his words again.
"Shixiong invited me to an event today. I wanted to talk to you about it before." Yu Liang sighs and tucks a strand of Shi Guang's hair behind his ear. "This..."
His voice still isn't steady. There is a slight wobble in it that Shi Guang doesn't like but suspects would also be in his own voice if he started to speak now.
"It's this evening. One of Wei Da's sponsors is throwing a birthday party for his daughter. She plays weiqi herself. It's at a hotel. We'll stay overnight."
"Must you go?"
The words are out before he can even think about them. Yu Liang's hand stills and Shi Guang has to look at him now. He lifts his head and is met with a gaze that reminds him of his second school tournament, when his rival had announced he'd be playing the third board. The same laser focus that made him squirm uncomfortably back then, grounds him now that they know each other better. He knows now that Yu Liang doesn't look at just anyone like this. Shi Guang concluded some time ago that as long as Yu Liang continues to look at him in this particular way, his place as Yu Liang‘s lifelong rival is secure. It's one of the foundations on which he has built his current life. Something eases in his chest.
"Yes, I think I should."
Yu Liang's fingers wander from his hair to his forehead and eyebrows. They're barely touching him, just ghosting over his skin, causing the hairs on Shi Guang's neck to stand up in a pleasant way.
"I'll go. I'll spend the night at the hotel. I'll be back in the evening tomorrow. We'll have time to... think about things." Yu Liang's eyebrows draw together and his voice lowers. "Think about what we... want. Where we'll go from here."
After that, Yu Liang had packed his overnight bag and gone to Xu-Ge's apartment - earlier than he'd originally intended to. He hadn't said much for a goodbye, but his eyes had been soft when he'd nodded at Shi Guang before closing the front door behind him.''
As much as Shi Guang's trying to calm down by telling himself that Yu Liang is with his team and might not be able to leave easily, there is still a hollow feeling behind his ribcage and it's expanding with every minute ticking by without the sound of a turning key announcing his roommate’s return.
The thing is, at first he'd thought that Yu Liang basically saying, "Let's sleep on it!" had been a dumb idea. Wasn't it obvious where things were going?
Then the fear had set in. Was this just a tactic to avoid Shi Guan? Did he regret kissing him?
He'd started pacing then just as he was doing now, a whirlwind of thoughts in his head. He'd been about to grab his phone to call Hong He to complain when it had hit him.
Yu Liang had been right.
He can't just pick up his phone, call his friend, and complain about a boy pulling away right after kissing him. He can’t just go to his grandpa's house and tell him that a boy suddenly has his heart racing. He can’t just sit down at his mother's kitchen table and ask her what to do if you're not sure if a boy is as into you as you thought he was for a short blissful moment.
He's reasonably sure that the people in his life love him and wouldn't just abandon him. Still, there had been this nagging doubt at the back of his head that clawed its way to the front and it had almost become hard to breathe.
And what about Yu Liang? What would his parents say? Don't they have expectations for their son's future? Yu Liang likely is bearing the weight of many more expectations than Shi Guang is.
And what about their careers?
"Chu Ying. Chu Ying, I really need you right now. You always knew what I should do."
Of course, there had only been silence, like always.
Yet, he'd found himself in front of Chu Ying's weiqi board just a few moments later, clutching its edges, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down. Collect his thoughts.
“Breathe, Xiao Guang.”
“Calm down.”
“You need to think.”
“There is a way to win this. You'll see it when you calm down.”
“Focus.”
“I believe in you.”
He'd tried to treat the situation like preparation for a game against an opponent he fears, but also is excited about playing against.
Shi Guang had sat in front of that weiqi board almost the whole night. He'd placed stones in familiar patterns. He'd sorted through his thoughts and talked to Chu Ying.
He'd wondered out loud how he could have possibly missed how much he had wanted to kiss Yu Liang. Kept going back to their many interactions through the years and speculating whether he should have done it sooner. Wondered how Yu Liang would have reacted. Wondered if his rival had wanted to kiss him sooner, too. Wondered when things had shifted between them.
Asked if Chu Ying had ever noticed anything.
He'd obviously never gotten any answers from the other side of the weiqi board, but if Shi Guang knew one thing, it's the sound of his mentor's voice.
“Xiao Guang, I know you can do this.”
He'd gone through several scenarios of what might happen now. Some of them had churned his stomach (What if Yu Liang wants to leave?) and some of them had made him grin from ear to ear (What if he doesn't?).
It had been draining, but in the end, Shi Guang had won his game. He'd made his choice, come to a decision, and managed to actually sleep a bit last night with a lighter feeling in his chest.
Yu Liang was supposed to have been home half an hour ago.
The fear is back in full force now.
What if Yu Liang has gone through the same thought process but come to a different decision?
What if he doesn't even want to be friends anymore?
What if he never wants to see Shi Guang again?
He's just about to grab his phone to call Xu-ge, because he doesn't quite dare ring Yu Liang, when he hears the turn of a key and the front door opens.
Shi Guang tries very hard to look casual and not at all like he'd been having a freak-out session in their living room, but seeing how Yu Liang's eyes widen when he sees him, Shi Guang is not sure he's being very convincing.
"Hey."
There is a moment of silence. They're both just looking at each other.
For the first time in a long time, Shi Guang can't read Yu Liang's face. He's pale, his brows are knit together, and there is a slight twitch at the right corner of his mouth. Shi Guang doesn't know what any of that means and is about to start some nervous rambling when Yu Liang takes a deep breath, visibly steels himself, and closes the door behind him. Three steps later, and he's standing directly in front of Shi Guang. His rival grabs his hand and squeezes. Hard. His fingers are cold, and Shi Guang can feel them shaking a bit. He can see Yu Liang trying to form words, but nothing comes out and somehow that's what finally calms him down.
Yu Liang is just as nervous as he is, just as scared. He almost lets out a relieved laugh, but he's not sure how that would be received so he tries to supress it and it comes out more like a snort, earning him a raised eyebrow.
He closes his fingers around Yu Liang's wrist and pulls him towards the carpet in front of the tv. He doesn't think the sofa would be the best place for this talk - just the thought of what they did there yesterday heats up his cheeks every time he remembers and he wonders if that's going to go away anytime soon. He put some pillows down there earlier and now pulls Yu Liang down with him to the floor.
"Okay. Let's talk."
They're sitting on the two biggest pillows, facing each other. Their knees are touching. Yu Liang hasn't let go of his hand and Shi Guang is glad for it. It's grounding and reminds him that they're in this together. Yu Liang has come back. Hasn't abandoned him. Still wants him in his life in at least some capacity. As long as those things are true, Shi Guang will be able to deal with the rest.
Yu Liang nods at him once and finally seems to have found his footing again.
He looks at Shi Guang with the same intensity he did yesterday. Focused. Unwavering.
Yu Liang holds their hands up and weaves their fingers together in a tight grip.
"Do you want this?"
His voice is quiet, but it's clear.
"Yes."
When he'd thought about it last night, saying no had never even crossed his mind. His thoughts had gone in circles around reactions from people and the world, around possible accusations being thrown in his face, around Yu Liang maybe not wanting the same thing. He'd nervously turned weiqi pieces around in his hands while making up several scenarios in his head, and then placed the pieces on the board and thus banished the negative scenarios from his mind, piece by piece, filling the board.
What he'd wanted had never been in question. Kissing Yu Liang had opened flood gates he wasn't sure he'd be able to close again even if he wanted to. It had been everything else that had thrown him for a loop last night.
"Are you sure? Cause I need you to be certain."
"I'm sure. I want this. Us. I want us."
Shi Guang leans forward and grabs Yu Liang's other hand, too, so he can enclose both of them in his own.
"Good. Okay."
Yu Liang's shoulders seem to relax a bit and his face softens. Shi Guang can't help but smile.
"Do you want this?"
"Shi Guang. What do you think?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"Of course I want this."
"Good."
Shi Guang is grinning now. Teasing Yu Liang has always been fun and right now, he feels like he could start floating any second. It's a combination that could go to his head very easily.
Yu Liang is also smiling and Shi Guang wants to kiss him really badly, is almost floored by the knowledge that he's probably allowed to.
He doesn't, though. They're not finished talking yet and he wants to do this. Get everything they want to say out now.
Yu Liang seems to agree, because after a few seconds, his face goes serious again. Apparently, he has planned this talk through and is now going down a list of things he deems important.
"I think we shouldn't tell anyone for at least a while. Or at least, only tell people we trust."
Shi Guang nods. He had come to the same conclusion last night, after he'd gotten over the impulse to call Hong He. He loves his friends and he loves his family. He'd trust them with his life, but this is new. He needs time to process it himself. It changes things. It changes things for both of them in ways they can't even really anticipate right now and they need some time for themselves first.
Yu Liang's next words are quieter, hesitant, as if he doesn't want to say them at all, but knows he must.
"We might not be able to tell the outside world. Ever."
He's not looking Shi Guang in the eyes anymore and it feels a bit like a loss. Shi Guang himself is staring at their hands, still intertwined with each other. He understands why Yu Liang is bringing it up. They're professional weiqi players. They live and breathe the game. They can't just stop. They're international champions, they can't just vanish. Don't want to vanish. They want to keep playing against the top players. They have ambitions and dreams and need to find a way to reconcile them with this new relationship growing between them.
It's probably going to be hard on some days, but just looking at their hands - at the callouses from playing the game they both love so much - he has no illusions about what his choice is going to be.
Impulsively, he leans forward and kisses them, tightens his grip on his rival's fingers even more in a silent answer.
Yu Liang raises his head, looks him in the eye again, and nods. His face is still serious, but he shuffles a bit closer, presses his knees more firmly against Shi Guang's.
"Just promise me one thing."
Yu Liang releases Shi Guang’s hands from his grip and frames Shi Guang’s face instead.
"Promise me that whatever happens, not matter what... if there are problems or if this doesn't work out... promise me, that you won't stop playing weiqi."
The hands that had been cold not even half an hour ago, are warm now. They cradle his face gently, but are firm enough that they don't allow him to break eye contact with Yu Liang.
"I promise. Will you promise me something in return? Promise me to not leave. Whatever happens, continue to play weiqi with me."
It should be odd that these are the things they're probably most afraid of, but it isn't. Being rivals means so much more to them than just the occasional game with another person on the same level - if it was just that, they'd have many rivals out there.
Thank you for playing weiqi with me.
Which game?
All of them.
"I promise, I'll still beat you when you're an old man."
"No, you won't. Are we done now?"
They aren't. Not really. There are many things they could and maybe should still talk about, but it's enough for now.
"Yes."
"Then come here."
Just like that, Yu Liang is in his arms, basically sitting in his lap. Yu Liang's arms are around his shoulders and his own are around his rival's waist. They're both holding on tight, trembling a little. Shi Guang buries his face in Yu Liang's neck and breathes in deep. He's a bit light headed now, the tension he hadn't even noticed before finally leaves his body entirely. He feels drained, but so so happy, too.
Yu Liang is murmuring into his ear, his breath tickling Shi Guang's neck.
"I'm glad. I'm so glad."
Shi Guang raises one hand to the back of his rival's head and gently strokes his hair.
They sit like that for a long, long time.
--------
CODA
Yu Liang is holding a storm in his arms. A storm that has come into his life when he'd been just a child and wreaked havoc on everything he'd been sure about in his life. Till that moment, he'd known that his father was the best weiqi player in the world and that beating him would be his destiny in life. He hadn't been so arrogant to think that it would be easy, but he'd been solely focused on this one goal. It hadn't mattered that he'd barely had friends his own age, that he'd spent most of his time either playing games with Shixiong or at his father's weiqi salon, practicing with customers or on his own. He hadn't been lonely. Not really. At least that's what he'd thought. He'd never known anything else.
Then this boy had sat in front of him and asked for a game with a big grin on his face and an attitude like none of this was important. He'd held the weiqi stones as if they were ordinary pebbles and counted out loud before unceremoniously dropping them onto the board, as if he didn't know what he was doing at all. Yet, he proceeded to win with ease. Twice.
Yu Liang had been used to losing against stronger players - his father took him to meet not only his best students, but also his contemporaries - but he'd never been so utterly defeated by someone his own age before.
Losing is never a good feeling, but this boy had beaten him so easily and yet didn't seem to care about winning at all. It was as if a chasm had opened up in front of him. His worldview had suddenly shifted violently and since he'd been a child, he'd done what children do. He'd raged and cried. He can't remember if he'd ever cried so hard before that or since then. His surroundings had blurred and the only thing he'd heard had been his own wails.
When the world had come back into focus, the boy had left, like a storm, leaving behind a wreckage and a blue watch.
"It's the most precious thing I own."
Right now, that watch sits on one of their shelves in the living room, still ticking. Yu Liang had made sure to change the batteries over the years. It had been a symbol. A reminder that Shi Guang was out there.
He'd become one of those storm chasers who drives right into a storm, unconcerned with the dangers of limited visibility or losing traction because they need to watch every move this magnificent force of nature makes for reasons they can't even explain to themselves.
Yu Liang has caught his storm. He's holding him in his arms right now. Shi Guang is warm and heavy and very much asleep.
It's not even completely dark outside, but the tension of the last two days and their talk earlier has exhausted them both.
He doesn't know exactly what Shi Guang went through since yesterday, but he suspects that it was probably not all that different from what went through Yu Liang's own head - which had been so many questions, only half of which he had answers for.
What will happen now?
What will my mother say? Oh god, what will my father say? They love me, I know they do.
Should I even tell them?
Shixiong won't abandon me, right? He would never.
What does Shi Guang want?
What do I want?
Is it worth it?
Shixiong had been concerned. Said he looked like he was coming down with something when he'd found Yu Liang spaced out in a corner at the party and sent him to his room to sleep. Luckily no one else seemed to have noticed.
He'd barely slept, wanting the next day to never come and yet longing for it to arrive faster. He'd wanted to go home. Home to their little apartment. Wanted to see Shi Guang, look him in the eye and have his feelings reflected back at him.
In the end he'd been so nervous, he'd walked around for almost an hour just to calm his nerves.
He doesn't know what he'd have done if Shi Guang had looked at him with pity in his eyes and said Sorry.
He wants to believe that they'd have stayed friends. Rivals, even. Probably.
Instead, Shi Guang is in his bed now. Arms around him, like an octopus. They're still wearing their clothes from earlier, only managed to take off their shoes before Yu Liang pulled the blanket over them.
There had been some kisses after that. Just simple presses of lips to lips. Comforting in their simplicity, warm in their intimacy. Assurance. Slightly off kilter in their tiredness but nonetheless thrilling.
No idea where this will take us, but we can do this. We're in this together.
Shi Guang's heart is beating in a steady rhythm. Yu Liang can feel it against his own ribcage. It's soothing and his own eyes start to close. There is no place he'd rather be, and that's a good start.