Chapter Text
Everyone remembers their first crush. Maybe you were too young to recognise it as a crush, but looking back everyone can name that person, the first person they liked in that indefinable, terrible, wonderful way.
James' first crush had ruined his life.
Okay, well maybe that was a bit dramatic, but it had certainly felt that way when he was nine.
His life had been perfect, as only a nine-year-old's life can be. His parents had thrown him this really cool birthday party for his ninth birthday and he had invited the whole class and there had been a huge bouncy castle and a cake shaped like a dragon and everyone had thought it was amazing.
Everyone except Severus Snape, who had made a snide comment about bouncy castles being for babies, but James, in a moment of glorious inspiration had retorted:
"Whatever you say, Snivellus."
To a group of nine-year-olds, this had been the absolute height of humour, and had confirmed James' reputation as the funniest person in the class. The name Snivellus had stuck, and people had stopped inviting Severus to birthday parties after that.
If James was the funniest person in the class then his best friend, Sirius, was the coolest. He had this bike with red and orange flames painted on it and he would do tricks on it at the skatepark near the school. Sometimes he would convince James to sneak out of the playground with him at lunchtime and go to the skatepark; James would feel a twinge of anxiety in his stomach at the idea that a teacher might catch them, but he never refused. Sirius made him feel cool and rebellious.
So that was the way life was. His classmates liked him (except Snivellus, but he didn't count); his teachers liked him (but not enough that he seemed like a nerd); his parents doted on him and bought him anything he wanted. His life was perfect.
And then Lily Evans showed up.
He noticed her the moment he walked into class that morning. She was standing by the teacher's desk, clutching a bright orange school bag and looking like she was trying very hard not to look nervous. As he walked in, she glanced up and smiled at him and his heart fluttered.
He tossed his bag onto his chair without even greeting Sirius, who was swinging on the back two legs of his chair and tossing pencils in the general direction of Severus, though his aim wasn't particularly good. Then he marched confidently up to Lily and stuck out his hand.
"Hello," he said, "I'm James. James Potter."
Lily took his hand solemly.
"Hello James James Potter," she replied, "I'm Lily."
"I like your bag," James said, "You obviously decided to try and blend in on your first day."
Lily laughed. James' heart did a backflip.
He didn't have the chance to say anything else because at that point the teacher walked in, and directed them all to sit in their seats. James didn't mind, though, because he knew that Lily was going to like him. She had laughed! She thought he was funny! Everyone thought he was funny, but somehow that wasn't very important anymore compared with the fact that Lily thought he was funny.
Then the teacher did the unforgivable. She sent Lily to sit in the empty seat beside Severus. Severus!
No, it was fine, it would be okay. He had to stay calm. Lily seemed smart. She would see straightaway how terrible Snivellus was, and then she would be even happier about being friends with James. He just had to survive until morning interval and then he would be able to talk to her again. Waiting seemed like the hardest thing in the world, but he would make it.
The teacher was talking, but James didn't hear a word. He couldn't take his eyes off Lily. She was taking an assortment of stationery out of her bag and arranging neatly it on her desk. A lock of red hair fell across her face and she tucked it behind her ear. James had never seen anything so captivating.
Then Severus leaned towards her and muttered something.
She laughed.
James' world stopped.
That was when it was all over, really. He didn't accept it immediately. He still tried to talk to her in the playground, and it briefly seemed like she might still like him. But Severus attached himself to her side, and James just couldn't stop himself from lashing out. He couldn't understand it. She was clever and sweet and popular among their classmates. She could have been friends with anyone in the class, but from the very first day she was fiercely loyal to "Sev", as she called him. The moment she realised how much James hated her new best friend, she grew cold towards him and would get up and walk away if he tried to sit beside her or start a conversation.
He kept trying. Sirius teased him incessantly, but he didn't care. He didn't care that the whole class knew he had a crush on Lily Evans. He just wanted her to see how much better he was than stupid Snivellus with his greasy hair and his sarcastic comments and his ill-fitting clothes.
One day, almost six months after Lily's first day, James and Sirius had played a particularly nasty prank on Severus. He couldn't remember the details, but Severus had run away in tears, and half an hour later Lily had marched up to the two of them in the playground.
"Hey, Evans," James said, with a cocky grin. His latest tactic for trying to seem cool was referring to everyone by their surnames. "Have you decided you want to go out with me?"
Until now, Lily's anger had been contained to cold glares and the occasional stinging retort. Now, however, the fury radiated off her like fire. She took a step closer to James.
"James Potter, you are despicable," she said, her voice low and dangerous, "You're a mean, arrogant person and you think you're better than everyone else just because your parents have loads of money and you make horrible jokes. Just because Sev's parents are poor doesn't mean you get to treat him like dirt and if you ever go near him again I will hurt you. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last person alive in the world and I will never, ever like you."
She turned on her heel and walked away across the playground.
James' heart shattered.
He never tried to talk to Lily again, and a year later she moved to another school.
He left Severus alone, too. It wasn't (as Sirius used to tease him) because he was actually scared of Lily's threat about hurting him. It was because her words echoed in his head, leaving a heavy feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He'd never even thought about how much money Severus' family had, but once Lily had pointed it out, it seemed so obvious. Severus never had nice things. He never had parties, or even invited anyone to his house.
James had never thought about how lucky he was.
He didn't learn the word "privilege" until many years later, when the memory of Lily Evans had all but faded from his mind, but she was the first one to introduce him to the concept. He would never have admitted it, even to himself, but her voice lived in the back of his mind long after he had stopped thinking about her, niggling at his conscience every time he was tempted to put somebody else down to make himself feel bigger.
Mostly he forgot her. She was his first heartbreak, and the bitterest, but she was not the last. He threw himself into relationships without fear, enjoying them wholeheartedly while they were good and mourning them wholeheartedly when they ended, but always recovering quickly. Deep down he knew that no failed relationship would ever hurt as much as Lily's rejection had hurt, so there was nothing to fear, right?
After all, you couldn't have your heart broken twice by the same girl.
Could you?