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Its nearly midnight on the 16th of February. The air is cold and bitter on the balcony at the top of the tower but I don’t care. From here I can see everything, but the thing I see most clearly is a group of people leaving the castle. The Levi Squad, here for a strategy meeting. I wanted to be there, I begged Levi to let me join but he wouldn’t let me. I listened around the corner so the guards couldn’t see me. I heard lots of names I didn’t recognise, and then some I did. I’ve been listening to these meetings for months now and one name is always repeated, Porco. Is that him, is he you now? I can’t stand it, I wish they trusted me enough to tell me. I guess everyone thought you were the strong one, always looking out for me. I just wish I could’ve looked out for you and saved you. You didn’t have to save them, you could’ve stayed with me. We were going to get married. I guess they were right. Maybe I can’t handle it. I huddle my shawl around me, it’s a dark brown. It reminds me of you, Ymir.
I’m not supposed to be out of my chambers this late, I’m not supposed to wear these clothes from my time as a scout, this white shirt and the skirt I ripped up to bandage Reiner. You got so jealous, but it was never him, never, only you. You must’ve known that. How were we supposed to know that that night would change everything. I blink away the non-existent tears. God why can’t I cry. I haven’t cried since I got your letter. When we were in training and I used to cry at night, you would always look after me, sit behind me resting your chin on the top of my head with your arms around me. I’ve never felt that safe before. I never will again.
Hey, do you remember when we used to sneak out at night to watch the stars, I taught you all the constellations but I knew you weren’t looking at them. I always caught you looking at me when you thought I wouldn’t notice. I guess you’re up there now, I hope you are. Ymir tell me, is it heaven up there? Because its hell down here.
The seconds are ticking closer to midnight, but I can’t go back to my room. I can’t be trapped in there with nothing but the thoughts of you. This spot is the closest to being with you. You would love it here. If you were with me, right now, you would be next to me, one hand on the balcony railing, one around my waist, pulling me close and shielding me from the harsh winter air. I always used to hate the winter on the farm. There was no food and I hated seeing the animals starve. But then after the snowstorm training, when I tried to save Daz, I started to associate it with you. You and me, you waited up for me when I finally got to base. I had never been so happy to see anyone. You showed me who you were and you made me promise to live as my true self. Well I kept my promise, are you proud of me?
This cold is getting unbearable, I should go back. I pull my shawl around me and head back to my chambers. Down the stairs and through the long corridors until I get to my room. There are guards outside my room. A tall man, with red hair and a moustache, and a shorter woman with short brown hair and blue eyes. They are looking at me, but I don’t say a word as I push past them into my room. I can deal with the consequences of being out at night in the morning. I really don’t care anymore. My room is warm, but the fire is dying. I crouch down beside it and poke at the embers, blowing on them softly. This room is big and lonely. I’m still not used to having my own room or to sleeping on my own. In training I would climb into your bed and rest my head on your arm, and you would complain, but I know you needed it more than I did. I know you would wake up in the night plagued by nightmares and terrors of your past. I would stroke your hair and hold your hand until you fell asleep again, back then I didn’t realize how much you needed that. I hate sleeping alone.
The fire is lit again, but I’m still cold. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the warm again, the warmth I felt with you is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I’ll never feel like that again. I’ll never see you again. Maybe in another life. I wish things had turned out different. Ymir, were you cold when it happened? Were you scared, with the titan above you, about to devour you? What were you thinking about? Were you thinking about me? There's a desk by the window, it’s made of a dark wood. Mikasa told me it’s called teak. There's a drawer that’s locked, only I have the key. Inside there are two things. A pale brown shirt. It’s yours. Sasha found it in our old barracks and she gave it to me. It smells like you. Its wrapped around your letter. I read it every night, I can hear your voice when I read it. There's tear marks on it, but they aren't mine. Are they yours? You never cried, at least I never saw you. You didn’t have to be strong for me, I wouldn’t have loved you any less. I read your letter taking in every word. Not that I have to read it, the words are etched into my brain I could never forget those words. I could never forget you
.
I take your shirt and hold it to my chest, its precious. I kick off my shoes and go to my bed. I don’t even bother to change into my night clothes. I don’t close the deep red curtains, I like to watch the moon and the stars as I sleep. Under the blankets I lie with your shirt, I wrap myself around it. My head on the arm, my hand holding the other. Sleeping with your shirt is the closest to sleeping with you. I bury my head into it. The smell of fresh earth and coffee engulfs me. Its like you’re here with me again, and I’m soothing you after a nightmare. Far away I hear the church bell ring. Its midnight. A tear falls from my eye, a staining the pale brown fabric of the shirt beneath my cheek.
Happy birthday my love.