Chapter Text
NakajimaA has added (8) members to the chatroom ADA
10:02 PM
NakajimaA: I thought it would be best if we had a way to communicate among all of us! This is a chatroom where we can send each other updates and talk about stuff!
YosanoA: bless you, paper-tiger
FukuzawaY: I’m ashamed I didn’t think of this before.
DazaiO: aww yiss
KunikidaD: This is not going to go well, is it?
MiyazawaK: I think this is a great idea :)
EdogawaR: Interesting…
TanizakiJ: great idea, Atsushi-kun!
IzumiK: this seems like a lot of fun!
DazaiO has changed DazaiO’s nickname to DumbWaysToDie
DumbWaysToDie: It worked!
DumbWaysToDie has changed KunikidaD’s nickname to TeamMom
DumbWaysToDie has changed EdogawaR’s nickname to HomoHolmes
DumbWaysToDie has changed FukuzawaY’s nickname to Cat Dad
DumbWaysToDie has changed TanizakiJ’s nickname to SisCon
DumbWaysToDie has changed YosanoA’s nickname to ButterflyOfDOOM
DumbWaysToDie has changed MiyazawaK’s nickname to Cow-Man
DumbWaysToDie has changed IzumiK’s nickname to TinyTerror
DumbWaysToDie has changed NakajimaA’s nickname to ShotAManInReno
ShotAManInReno: Suddenly I regret this. I didn’t know Dazai knew old American songs.
TinyTerror: ?
ShotAManInReno: country song about a guy in prison, called Folsom Prison Blues. One of the lyrics is “But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.” dazai is referencing hwat i did to Fukuchi.
DumbWaysToDie: it was either that or “Pumped Up Kicks”
ShotAManInReno: I would rather not be associated with a school shooting thank you very little
TeamMom: DAZAI
DumbWaysToDie: yes, that’s my name
TeamMom: UGH
HomoHolmes: I saw this coming.
SisCon: you see everything coming
Cow-Man: I like my new name!
TinyTerror: it could be worse.
Cat Dad: ...i have no complaints.
ButterflyOfDOOM: Im not surprised, just disappointed.
ButterflyOfDOOM: why are we all up at 10 pm?
TeamMom: My phone woke me up
Cow-Man: same as Kunikida!
SisCon: i go to bed at 10:30 most nights
DumbWaysToDie: setting up a prank on the Port Mafia building. it’s gonna be epic
HomoHolmes: Reading.
TinyTerror: i had to go to the bathroom
Cat Dad: My phone woke me up
ShotAManInReno: who knows
ButterflyOfDOOM: atsushi. go. to. sleep.
ShotAManInReno: Yes ma’am
Chatroom: Done With Dazai (2 members)
TigerTail: heads up Dazais plotting something
Gravity Whomst?: fuck
TigerTail: i’d skip work tomoroww. he described it as “epic”
Gravity Whomst?: not again
TigerTail: and i just created a groupchat. guess what he did?
Gravity Whomst?: Name changes?
TigerTail: [IMG(screenshot of other chatroom)]
Gravity Whomst?: He seriously called you that? ouch
TigerTail: yeah.
Gravity Whomst?: he has no tact whatsoever
TigerTail: he just likes making people miserable.
Gravity Whomst?: Can’t believe I ever had a crush on him, like...how???
TigerTail: you had a CRUSH on him? what???
Gravity Whomst?: It was for like, ten minutes!
TigerTail: Until he opened his mouth?
Gravity Whomst?: i was fifteen and he was attractive, okay? the instant he talked, i decided “nope”
TigerTail: god mood
TigerTail: I’m being yelled at to go to sleep, be careful tomorrow
Gravity Whomst?: night
Chatroom: ADA
8:06 AM
DumbWaysToDie: I wonder if pigeons understand human languages
SisCon: Dazai, what???
ButterflyOfDOOM: *gently and with feeling* what the fuck ?
TeamMom: Back to work, Dazai!
ShotAManInReno: Dazai, please no.
10:21 AM
TinyTerror: Made the delivery with no complications! No one got hurt!
Cow-Man: Great! :)
TeamMom: Well done, Kyouka-chan!
ShotAManInReno: Good job!
DumbWaysToDie: nice
HomoHolmes: perfect!
Cat Dad: You have done well.
SisCon: Awesome!
ButterflyOfDOOM: Good for you!
Chatroom: Done With Dazai
12:33 PM
Gravity Whomst?: I should’ve stayed home today…
TigerTail: a) i warned you, b) what did Dazai do
Gravity Whomst?: GLITTER EVERYWHERE
TigerTail: oh my god
Gravity Whomst?: There is glitter in the BATHROOMS
Gravity Whomst?: in the TOILETS
Gravity Whomst?: in every singel desk drawer and in buckets over the doors
TigerTail: you got got, huh
Gravity Whomst?: [IMG(Chuuya covered in glitter and scowling)]
TigerTail: if he applied himself half as well to his workk as he did to his pranks he’d be the most productive member of the agency
Gravity Whomst?: true. I need like ten showers.
TigerTail: at least it wasn’t live rats?
Gravity Whomst?: don’t give him ideas
Chatroom: ADA
3:09 PM
ShotAManInReno: saw the Dog today. He looks...glittery??
ButterflyOfDOOM: was with him, can confirm. Akutagawa had glitter stuck to him
DumbWaysToDie: ;)
Cow-Man: Dazai-san, there’s glitter under your fingernails
TeamMom: Dazai, what did you do?
DumbWaysToDie: i spent all of last night hauling sacks of glitter into the port mafia’s base and covering everything in the stuff.
TeamMom: ...you’re an idiot. We have a tentative truce with them, why do you do this?
DumbWaysToDie: fuck the police
TeamMom: Dazai we work with the police !
DumbWaysToDie: fuck the police
TeamMom: Dazai please
TinyTerror: This is amusing
TinyTerror: Like watching a train derail in slow motion
HomoHolmes: accurate^^
5:42 PM
SisCon: Somrpne grt Naomi off og mw!
DumbWaysToDie: Nah
8:39 PM
ButterflyOfDOOM: Everyone better be in bed by 11
ButterflyOfDOOM: Or Else.
ShotAManInReno: yes maam
11:30 PM
DumbWaysToDie: fuck the police
ButterflyOfDOOM: omw to tie you to your futon
7:01 AM
TeamMom: DAZAI
DumbWaysToDie: u called?
TeamMom: WHY IS THERE GLITTER IN MY DESK?
DumbWaysToDie: oh that
DumbWaysToDie: thought you could use some pizzazz
TeamMom: DAZAI FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
8:51 AM
TanizakiJ has added NakajimaA to the chatroom Kink Discourse
TanizakiJ: What if we had kinks iinstead of Abilities?
NakajimaA: oh god no
TanizakiJ: seriously, think about it
NakajimaA: that makes me a furry Tanizaki
TanizakiJ has changed NakajimaA’s nickname to Furry
Furry: i’m not a furry
TanizakiJ: i know.
TanizakiJ: it’s funny though
Furry: 2 can play at that game. it makes you into sensory deprivation
Furry has changed TanizakiJ’s nickname to BlindfoldBitch
BlindfoldBitch: okay fiar
BlindfoldBitch: Dazai gets to be into kinkshaming
Furry: dazai gets to be into denying other people pleasure methinks
BlindfoldBitch: damn, tru. but also into kinkshaming
Furry: is he not already?
BlindfoldBitch: I mean...good point
Furry: ysano-sensei is a sadist
BlindfoldBitch: akutagawa is into sexy clothes/clothed sex
Furry: oh my god that would be hysterical
Furry: That one guild guy, lovecraft, he likes tentacles
BlindfoldBitch: steinbeck is really into plants
Furry: would kenji be into vore
BlindfoldBitch: or food porn, yeah
Furry: we’re horrible people
Furry: poe is an extreme bibliophile
BlindfoldBitch: Ranpo gets off on solfing mysteries
Furry: doesn’t he already?
BlindfoldBitch: not to that extent
Furry: what about kunikida
BlindfoldBitch: …ideals?
Furry: so, like, finding people who meet his ideals or...
BlindfoldBitch: we both know he’s probably into some wack shit already
Furry: yeah. what about Kyouka
BlindfoldBitch: threesomes
Furry: a;shfdlx holy shit tanizaki
BlindfoldBitch: what about shachou
Furry: oh he’s a furry regardless
BlindfoldBitch: true
Furry: we all know that the port mafia boss is a pedophile as is
BlindfoldBitch: unfortunately. that gravity user is into...idk, bondage?
Furry: i guess?
Chatroom: ADA
9:42 AM
SisCon: that one BlackLizard old guy is into spanking people
TeamMom: Tanizaki, I am concerned.
ShotAManInReno: oh my god tanizaki wrong chat
SisCon: fuck
ButterflyOfDOOM: in what context would that make snese?
ShotAManInReno: you DO NOT want to know
Cat Dad: ...why not?
SisCon: it’s not apprpriate.
TeamMom: So I gathered.
ShotAManInReno: it was really funny though
SisCon: only if you’re a horrible person(i am)
TinyTerror: i don’t want to know
Chatroom: Done With Dazai
12:42 PM
TigerTail: dp you ever just go “why is this my life?”
Gravity Whomst?: God all the time. why?
TigerTail: i was ona mision and shit happned, nd now im stuck danglin upside down wile Dazai laughs at me
TigerTail: kunkida can’t hlp me bcause he’s too busy hancufing the smuglers we caught
TigerTail: and if i jsut tear myslef free i’m goin 2 break my neck
Gravity Whomst?: jesus
Gravity Whomst?: if it makes you feel any better I once woke up tangled in a fishing net with only my pants on after Dazai and i got drunk.
TigerTail: that helps a little
TigerTail: oh man. now dazai’s takin pictures
Gravity Whomst: yeaah he does that
NakajimaA>>KunikidaD
NakajimaA: plese get me dwon
KunikidaD: On my way!
Chatroom: ADA
TeamMom: Dazai, the next time Atsushi gets into that kind of situation, help them instead of laughing!
DumbWaysToDie: [IMG(Atsushi dangling upside down from a crane)]
ShotAManInReno: i hate you dazai
Cat Dad: Did the mission at least go well?
TeamMom: Yes.
3:18 PM
TinyTerror: how does one get stuck like that
ShotAManInReno: i honestly dont actually know how it happened
TinyTerror: Atsushi i love you like a sibling but you are a complete disaster sometimes
ShotAManInReno: newsflash kyouka we’re all disasterrs
Cow-Man: even me? :(
ButterflyOfDOOM: except for you kenji, you’re an angel and we’re thrilled to have you here
Cow-Man: yay!!!
10:06 PM
Chatroom: Kink Discourse
BlindfoldBitch: got a cursed concept for you
Furry: let’s hear it
BlindfoldBitch: dazai dating fyodor
Furry: OH MY GOD TANIZAKI
Furry: that is cursed jesus christ
BlindfoldBitch: how would that work, thouhg?
Furry: hate sex
Furry: and a lot of S&M
BlindfoldBitch: you’re not wrong
BlindfoldBitch: imagine how bad it would be if they teamed up
Furry: i am drawing the line there. good NIGHT, tanizaki