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I lay on the floor, numbness and intensity coursing through my body somehow simultaneously. The tears leave warm trails as they fall down my face and mix with my blood pooling on the ground. The echos of my sobs ring out through the room, but I don't hear them. I'm too busy wrapping myself up in my own arms, as if I'm trying to protect myself, even though I'm the only one causing the pain. The stinging from my arms is the only thing keeping me tied to reality, but the thread is weak. I had felt the oncoming breakdown looming behind me the whole week, the emotional torment pushing at the back of my mind, slowing me down, until now, where I can't even function properly. The only thing I'm grateful for is Hisoka's absence. If he saw me like this, he would leave and never come back, no doubt about it. After all, he has no interest in broken toys, and I am broken beyond repair. He'd see me, destroyed by something other than him, and leave. Or kill me. We've had some sort of twisted romance for a while now, but of course, it meant nothing to him, yet everything to me. All he wanted to do was kill me. Well, kill the strong, independent, mask I constantly put up. I knew who he was, what kind of person he is, and yet still allowed this to happen. Idiot. Stupid fucking idiot. I dig my fingernails into my arms, drawing more blood, to punish myself for being so stupid. The frustrated cries from my mouth leave my throat raw, burning. I squeeze myself tighter, wishing I could just tear myself into nothingness. A sudden burst of anger rushes through me, and I slam my fist into the wall. A crack echos through the room, and I scream, the pain was relieving, refreshing. The sight of blood surfacing on my hands was satisfying. Physical pain to distract from the mental, it's only temporary, but enough for now. I look down at the ever-growing pool of metallic-smelling crimson as I calm down, sobs turning to silent tears. This is worse than usual. Dammit. I sniffle as my body continues to shake. Suddenly, I hear a noise and I freeze.
"Esther~?" Hisoka calls. My heart stops as terror washes over me. "Where are you~?"
Oh fuck. Oh my god, no. No, no, no, he wasn't supposed to come today. Fuck.
"I- I'm in t-the bathroom." I say, loud enough for him to hear. I try and fail to conceal the tremble in my voice.
"What are you doing~?" He asks.
"G-going to the bathroom?" I sniffle again. Fuck.
I hear his heels click as he approaches the door, my heartbeat quickening with each step. He pauses.
"No you're not, dear~" My heart feels like it's about to burst out of my chest in fear.
I stay silent for a long moment. This is it. This is how I'm going to die.
Suddenly, there's a loud bang, and I jump, eyes widening. My head jerks up, to see a pale hand sticking through a hole in the door, balled into a fist. He uses that hand to unlock the door from the other side.
"What could you possibly want to hide from me~?" He asks, amused, as he opens the door. "It's-" he cuts himself off as he takes in the sight before him. His eyes widen a little, and his lips part slightly in surprise.
"I-I'm s-sorry." I manage to say, tears welling up again.
He looks from my trembling form to the blood spilled on the floor. He raises an eyebrow.
"For what~? Killing someone without me~? That's fine darling, although it looks a bit messy~" His smirk reappears.
Oh. He thinks I-
He walks over to me. "But why are you crying~? The little, strong toy that I know would never cry at the sight of me~"
He reaches out and tilts my head up with his long finger on the base of my chin. I look into his golden eyes, holding back my tears.
I glance down at my still-burning arms, and he follows my gaze. He freezes, understanding as soon as he sees the red, angry marks scattered across them.
"Oh~"
"I- I didn't want you to see this," I say quietly. "You c-can discard m-me now." My voice shakes at the end. I don't want him to leave. His embrace, however unloving it may be, was my only source of happiness, comfort.
He hums "Discard you?"
"Y-yeah. T-the only reason you s-stayed was to break me b-because I was strong. Now you see that I'm n-not." I say in a whisper.
"Oh darling~ I'm strong, am I not~?" He tilts my head back up to meet his gaze. For once, it was not cold, it was soft.
"Yeah..." I respond, confused.
"Well, dear~ I do this as well~" He smiles.
"W-what?"
"Well, not exactly like this, of course,~ You saw my fight with Kastro, correct~?"
I nod, still confused.
"Did you ever wonder why I didn't do as much as flinch when my arms were ripped off~? I'm used to the pain. Ever since I was a child, I used it as a way to feel something~ Eventually, that developed into masochism~"
"O-oh."
"Darling, this does not make you weak~"
Tears begin to leak out again as I look at his usually so cold and cruel face being warm for me. I wrap my arms around him and press my face into his chest. He stiffens for a moment, before holding me there.
"Another thing~ I do not want to break you~" He says.
"What do you mean?" I ask, confused again.
"Strangely, I do not want to see you dead~"
"Why not?"
"That, I do not know, but I do feel a strange attachment to you. I am not one for true connections or feelings, but you have begun to make me feel~" He frowns, as though this was a problem. It probably was, for someone like him.
Hisoka stands up, with me still in his arms. He sets me down on the countertop of the sink and opens the cabinet, looking for something. He pulls out rubbing alcohol and bandages, then walks over again.
"This will hurt, but you can't let it get infected~"
I nod. He puts some alcohol on a cloth and dabs it on my arms. I suck in some air through my clenched teeth as I feel the sharp burn. I look down as he works. I feel guilty for making him do this for me. Once the burning liquid has been spread on every mark, he grabs the bandages and unravels them, then proceeds to wrap up my arms until all the pain is locked away behind white bars. He silently picks me up again, walks into the next room, and sits us down on the bed. I slip myself under the covers and he settles beside me, wrapping his strong arms around me from behind. In his strong grip, inhaling his sweet scent, I feel safe, protected. Weird, how out of all people, a murderer makes me feel safe. I smile, feeling his warm, comforting body holding me close.
"Do me a favor, dear,~" He whispers into my ear.
"Mhm?"
"Try not to hurt yourself again~" He says.
"Okay."
"Do you promise~?"
"I promise to try."
I feel him smile.
"That's good enough for me~"