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“Andito na po tayo, sir.”
Napatingin si Jeonghan sa bintana ng taxi na kinasasakyan niya at napabuntong hininga.
Andito na naman ako, Seoul Hospital. Nagkita tayong muli.
Nagpasalamat si Jeonghan sa driver at lumabas na ng sasakyan. Nakatingin siya sa mga pulang letrang umiilaw na nangingibabaw sa ospital na binisita niya ngayon.
Jeonghan didn’t like the feeling of going to hospitals. Hospitals make him feel sorrowful. Horrible, even. It’s as if kahit marinig niya lang ang salitang ospital, puro malungkot na bagay na ang kanyang maaalala.
And even if Jeonghan didn’t like the idea of going to hospitals, he knows he needs to.
He needs to because someone needs him to.
Jeonghan lets out a sigh once more before entering the building and going to a specific patient’s room. A specific patient na importante sa buhay niya.
Wonwoo’s room, to be exact.
Sa labas ng kuwarto ay nakita niya ang isang taong nag-aabang sa kanya.
“Seok?”
Napatingin sa kanya ang binatang tinawag at napangiti.
“Jeonghan.”
Jeonghan approaches Seokmin, giving him a genuine smile and says, “Andito na ako.”
“Bal’s waiting for you, alam mo ba yun?” says Seokmin.
“Ilang oras lang akong nawala, Seok. May inasikaso lang.”
“You always leave whenever you feel like he’s waking up. I don’t think that’s because may inaasikaso ka lang.”
Jeonghan sighs.
“Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya haharapin,” Jeonghan admits, leaning his back on the wall. He tries to not catch Seokmin’s gaze at him and proceeds to look on the floor. “Hindi ko rin alam kung kaya kong makita siyang ganun. Awake, and smiling at me as if nothing’s wrong.”
“Natatakot ka ba?” Seokmin asks.
“What?” Jeonghan laughs as if he’s heard the funniest joke in his entire life. Alam niyang hindi nagbibiro si Seokmin, but he doesn’t want to admit it na natatakot siya. Not to him, not to Wonwoo’s twin. “I’m not, Seok.”
“Then will it be okay for you to stay here while he’s awake?” Seokmin tells him with pleading eyes that no one can turn down to.
Jeonghan wants to refuse. But if he did, ano pang silbi ng pagpunta niya rito? He knows a part of him wants to see Wonwoo too. Not just Wonwoo sleeping peacefully during his hospital visits, but Wonwoo being awake as well.
Dahil alam ni Jeonghan na dumating na ang oras para sa kanilang dalawa.
Oras na para makapag-usap sila.
Jeonghan had no choice but to nod. “Yeah. I’ll take care of him.”
Seokmin smiles again, and that’s a cue for Jeonghan to enter the room.
Dahan-dahang ipinihit ni Jeonghan ang busol ng pintuan at pumasok sa kuwarto na kung saan nananatili si Wonwoo.
A sight of Wonwoo reading a book is what welcomes Jeonghan. Jeonghan smiles at it because it was the gift that he gave to the younger a few years back. Kahit na nabasa na ni Wonwoo ang bawat pahina ng libro, he still reads it everyday.
Jeonghan remembers how he asked Wonwoo one time kung bakit paulit-ulit binabasa ni Wonwoo ang binigay niyang libro kahit na nabasa niya na ito. The latter replies, “A good book is good even when read many times, as quoted by Dazai. Remember? Yung kamukha mo.” Before Jeonghan could complain and tell him that he’s way more handsome than the anime character, he adds, “maganda kasi yung kwento. Atsaka, bigay mo ‘to eh. I want to treasure it as much as possible.”
Jeonghan is on the verge of tearing up just by remembering it.
When Wonwoo feels the presence of his best friend, he closes the book and puts it on a nightstand table next to him. He looks at Jeonghan.
“Hi,” Wonwoo smiles. “You’re here.”
Jeonghan smiles back.
“Miss mo ko, Wonungie?” Jeonghan says as a joke to ease up the atmosphere na sineryoso naman ng isa.
“Sobra.”
Jeonghan suddenly feels an ache in his chest. He’s glad na he took acting classes when he was a kid kasi if he didn’t, he would’ve straight up shown how sad he was. He didn’t want Wonwoo to see it. Not in this kind of situation.
Umupo si Jeonghan sa upuang malapit sa hospital bed na kung saan nakaupo si Wonwoo. Hindi niya alam ang sasabihin, or the right words to say that time. Gusto niyang tanungin “ kamusta ka, Wonwoo?” o kaya naman ang mga katagang “ kaya mo pa bang kumapit?”
Kaso nga lang, he didn’t have the urge to say it.
“Hindi mo ba ako kakausapin?” Wonwoo asks.
Jeonghan bowed his head and didn’t speak. Ang simple ng tanong pero bakit parang ang hirap sagutin? Bakit parang ang lalamunan tila’y natutuyo?
Jeonghan flinches a bit when he feels Wonwoo’s hand to his.
“Han,” Wonwoo says softly, eyes looking lovingly to the older, “talk to me?”
For years, Jeonghan had always followed his own words about making Wonwoo happy. He had always reminded himself to do whatever Wonwoo wanted him to do, to be able to provide Wonwoo with what he needed, to just… do everything for Wonwoo.
And if the younger requests him to talk to him? He’ll do it.
Jeonghan raises his head, his eyes meeting Wonwoo’s eyes. Pakiramdam niya ang daming emosyon na nanggagaling sa mata ng isa’t isa. At ni isa sa mga emosyon na yun ay walang saya na makikita. Puno lamang ng kalungkutan ang paligid.
“I don’t know what to say, Wonungie,” Jeonghan admits. “Especially when you’re in a state like this.”
“Ayaw mo bang pag-usapan na lang natin ang mga masasayang alaala?” Wonwoo says. “Kasi hindi ko alam—hindi natin alam, baka mamaya–”
“Don’t,” Jeonghan cuts him off. “Tatagal ka pa Wonwoo, okay?”
Silence enters the room and Jeonghan feels suffocated by it.
Feeling uneasy, he turns on the radio sitting on the desk to fill up the silence within the room. If he didn’t, Wonwoo might have heard Jeonghan’s heart crack after the latter sees him in a painful predicament—as if it had not been broken long ago and was only a new opened heartbreak due to the situation.
The first song played and Jeonghan cursed beneath his breath.
‘At kung nagkataon nga naman,’ he thought to himself while regretting turning the source of music on, ‘hay, itong kanta pa talaga.’
Jeonghan was going to turn off the radio when the first verse of the song started.
Kahit 'di mo sinasabi
Ramdam ko ang pagkukunwari
Akala'y masaya, ba't parang may lungkot sa tawa?
Bigat ng mga katanungang
Dumadagan sa 'yong isipan
'Di kailangan na buhating mag-isa
He stopped himself from turning off the radio and let himself dive into the lyrics of the song. Among all these years, it’s exactly how Jeonghan feels while being in love with his best friend. He hates how the song cornered him sa unang verse pa lang. Wala eh. Wonwoo means so much to Jeonghan to the point na papasanin niya ang bigat ng mundo para lang kay Wonwoo. Si Wonwoo yun eh. As long as it’s for him, Jeonghan could withstand anything. Anything, kahit ikasisira pa niya.
“Wonungie.”
“Hm?”
“Naaalala mo pa ba nung una tayong nagkakilala?”
Wonwoo lets out a chuckle.
Of course, how can Wonwoo forget?
—
Wonwoo was five and Jeonghan was six.
Like any other typical stories, nagkakilala sila sa isang playground.
Wonwoo was a silent kid. Hirap siyang makipagcommunicate sa ibang tao. He only talked to his parents and his younger twin but other than that, he felt alone. He felt like an outcast. Pakiramdam niya hindi siya gusto ng mga tao.
That is, until young Yoon Jeonghan came to the scene.
“Uy, bakit ka mag-isa diyan?” ani ng batang Jeonghan habang nakatingin sa isang bata na nakaupo lang sa isang swing malayo sa ibang mga bata.
Young Wonwoo didn’t answer. But Young Jeonghan didn’t stop.
Young Jeonghan suddenly did sign language to the other, trying to ask the same question but with sign language.
“Why are you alone?” Young Jeonghan signed, “do you want to play with me?”
“I don’t understand sign language,” Young Wonwoo spoke, making Jeonghan surprised.
“Oh! Nagsasalita ka pala. Hehe, sorry.” He said, showing up a peace sign after. “Anyway, gusto mo bang maglaro kasama ko?”
“Ako? Bakit...ako?”
“Anong bakit ikaw?” Young Jeonghan asked, eyebrows furrowed na para bang hindi niya naintindihan ang sinabi ni Wonwoo.
“I, uh. I mean, may iba ka namang pwedeng kalaro maliban sa akin. So–”
“Pero hindi ko sila tinanong kasi ikaw gusto kong yayain, okay?” Young Jeonghan told him.
And that’s when Young Wonwoo first forgot the doubts inside his head.
He felt at ease.
“Atsaka, sayang ang araw oh! Uupo ka lang ba diyan sa swing buong magdamag? Tara na!” ani ng batang Jeonghan at hinila ang batang Wonwoo papunta sa slide. The latter didn’t have a choice but to agree since young Jeonghan was so eager. But he didn’t want to disagree as well.
The sun shone so brightly like how the two kids smiled that day.
And that was when Wonwoo was five.
When he first met his best friend, Jeonghan.
After that incident, Wonwoo and Jeonghan became inseparable. They go like peas and carrots—a pair that go well together. Ni isang araw ay hindi naramdaman ni Wonwoo ang lungkot dahil sa walang sawang pagpapakita ni Jeonghan kung gaano siya kahalaga at ka-importante sa kanya.
Jeonghan and Wonwoo’s friendship had an invisible string on it—something that keeps the two of them attached to each other. Wonwoo learned how to communicate more and make friends. And Jeonghan, knowing that he has helped Wonwoo overcome his insecurities, had been proud of his best friend since then.
Everything seems to be perfect. How the two young people’s lives consisted of rainbows, chocolates, butterflies, flowers, and even sunsets—beautiful things, to be exact. How the world looks like a peaceful place. Relaxing.
Wonwoo appreciated Jeonghan’s presence so much—even when the latter gets annoying sometimes by ruining the sandcastle that he made for minutes, or when Jeonghan steals the last slot for the playground swing. He didn’t know he needed someone like him until he had Jeonghan.
The situation felt like an epiphany on his mind, and euphoria on his heart.
—
“Ang kulit mo kaya nung araw na yun!” Wonwoo says to Jeonghan.
The latter chuckles and replies, “pero gusto mo naman?”
“As if,” Wonwoo responds, giving Jeonghan a disgusted face that made the older laugh even more.
“Hindi bagay sayo, Wonungie.”
The room falls back to silence. None of them spoke after that. It wasn’t a sad tranquility, but rather it was a good silence at least. Them not speaking felt like they were both reminiscing the times they’ve been together.
Young Wonwoo’s voice suddenly echoes in Jeonghan’s mind.
“Han, walang iwanan ha?”
Nakaupo silang dalawa sa ilalim ng isang puno malapit sa playground. Jeonghan was busy creating a flower bracelet using santans that he saw earlier.
Napatingin naman si Jeonghan sa kanya.
“Hm? Bakit mo naman nasabi yan?”
Wonwoo shrugged, “ewan. Hindi naman natin alam mangyayari in the future eh. Malay mo bukas, hindi na tayo magkaibigan. O kaya naman sa susunod na araw, may mahahanap ka na–”
“Kahit naman may mahanap akong iba, ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko eh. Hahayaan ko bang mawala ka? Eh ‘di nasayang lang friendship natin ‘non.” Jeonghan says, inserting the flower bracelet made out of santans to Wonwoo’s wrist. “Magkaibigan tayo hanggang sa dulo, okay? Pangako mo sa akin yan, ha?”
Jeonghan offered a pinky promise back then. And without hesitation, Wonwoo locked his pinky finger to Jeonghan’s.
“Pangako.”
'Di ka sayang, 'di kailangang manghinayang
'Di ka sayang, 'di kailangang patunayan
Sarili ay mahalaga kahit pa ano'ng tingin nila
Tanggap kita
“I’m sorry.”
Jeonghan is suddenly brought back to reality and was taken aback by Wonwoo’s statement. Why is Wonwoo apologizing? Why do his eyes look sad?
Jeonghan had always been protective of Wonwoo. Kapag makikita niya lang na malungkot ang binata, parang gusto niyang akuhin na lang lahat ng kalungkutan na natamo para lang makita ang mga magagandang ngiti nito.
Lahat naman gagawin niya para kay Wonwoo.
“Sorry? Sorry saan–” Jeonghan stops when Wonwoo cuts him off.
“Sorry for that time na… you know.”
And by that, alam na ni Jeonghan kung ano ang tinutukoy ni Wonwoo.
“When I was brokenhearted by someone,” Wonwoo says.
Jeonghan fakes a chuckle.
—
Jeonghan was sixteen and Wonwoo was fifteen.
They were both 10th grade high school students at that time. It’s their final year of being junior high school students, and they want to enjoy every moment as possible.
But things didn’t turn out like how Jeonghan wanted it to be. It wasn’t a pleasant memory.
Because at fifteen, Wonwoo fell in love with someone else.
Alam ni Jeonghan na darating ang araw na may magugustuhan si Wonwoo. He’s fully aware of that because everything is possible to happen, anyway. Pero hindi niya maisip na darating din agad agad ang araw na iyon. He wasn’t ready for it. He should be happy for his best friend, right? Pero bakit it only gave a sting to his heart?
Wen Junhui was the name of Wonwoo’s first love. A transferee from another school. Naaalala ni Jeonghan kung paano nagkwento si Wonwoo about sa kanya.
“His name is Junhui, Han! Jun for short,” Wonwoo said with excitement. “I’ve never felt anything like this before. When he helped me not slip on the floor dahil hindi ko napansin na madulas pala roon, it felt as if I'd seen the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.”
It might have sounded cliche to some, but Wonwoo felt like it was his own version of once upon a time. He was so happy, his face giving a smile that reaches his eyes and wrinkles showing up at the corners of it.
Wonwoo shared a lot of stories about Junhui to Jeonghan back then. He even heard some compliments about the transferee from other students. And with that, Jeonghan concludes.
Junhui is a person na talagang magugustuhan ng lahat ng tao. Jeonghan can’t even blame Wonwoo for falling in love with him kasi he, too, can like Junhui like how he did.
Junhui is a friendly person. Kahit na hindi pa kayo gaanong magkakilala, hindi niya ipaparamdam sayo yun.
Junhui likes cats. A win to Wonwoo since he’s a cat person as well. Jeonghan could recall how one time he saw Junhui feeding a stray cat while he’s on his way home.
Junhui is a dancer. Everytime he dances in every way and every aspect, it’s spectacular. A lot of people liked him after performing one time during Intramurals week. He became the talk of the town. Everybody admired him even Wonwoo.
Junhui is… just so amazing.
Anong laban ni Jeonghan doon?
On the spur of the moment, Jeonghan felt insecure. There have been self-doubts as time passes by. Kahit Wonwoo assures him na walang papalit sa kanya as his best friend, hindi niya pa rin maiwasang mag-isip ng mga ganoong bagay.
If one day Wonwoo chose to leave him, would it mean he’s a waste after all? Hindi ba masasayangan si Wonwoo sa iniwan niya dahil Jeonghan is worthless?
Things even got worse when one day, he found out that Wonwoo and Junhui are dating.
“You didn’t tell me you’re dating Junhui already.”
It was Friday. The last class ended and Jeonghan and Wonwoo are on their way back home. It was a peaceful walk until Jeonghan asked him about it.
Wonwoo looked at Jeonghan. Apologetic, he uttered, “sorry.”
Jeonghan stopped midway of the walk that made Wonwoo stop as well.
He glanced at Wonwoo and said, “bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?”
“I don’t know how to,” Wonwoo admitted. “Baka mamaya magalit ka o ano kaya–”
“–kaya ba pinili mong malaman ko na lang sa iba?” Jeonghan cut him off. He felt betrayed. “Wonwoo, I’m your best friend. Yun na nga lang role ko sa buhay mo, bakit parang tinatanggalan mo pa ako ng karapatan na gampanin ko yun? Ano na lang mangyayari kung hindi ko pa nalaman? Paano kung one day, umiiyak ka na pala dahil sa isang tao tapos hindi ko man lang alam kung bakit?”
Wonwoo’s throat felt dry while his eyes felt the opposite. As much as he wanted to speak clearly, not letting Jeonghan see him on the urge of crying, he knew he wouldn't be able to.
When Jeonghan realized the silence beneath the younger, he just knew immediately and hugged him tight. Kilalang-kilala na ni Jeonghan si Wonwoo. Even the little things about the younger mattered the most to him.
“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan whispered, yet the volume of his voice was still enough for Wonwoo to hear it. “Gusto ko lang naman na maging nandiyan sa tabi mo kapag masaya ka. Kapag malungkot ka. Kahit kapag halo-halo na ang mga emosyong nararamdaman mo, I still want to be there. Just let me be there for you. I don’t mind at all.”
Wonwoo felt guilty and let his tears fall that day. While Jeonghan? Jeonghan made sure that it wasn't his fault and it was alright.
Jeonghan was understanding. He had always been.
The situation, however, made Jeonghan feel like an outcast when Wonwoo wasn’t hanging out with him anymore. If Wonwoo were to be one before, the uno reverse card suddenly flashed and this time, it’s Jeonghan who felt like that. And if the older was always with the younger for him, the situation became the opposite.
But Jeonghan needed to accept that time that Wonwoo’s attention wasn’t only limited to him. Jeonghan was only his best friend. Hindi siya pwedeng humingi ng something more than that. Alam niya kung saan siya lulugar.
And during those times, alam niya kung ano lang ang gampanin niya sa buhay ni Wonwoo.
He was only a shoulder to cry on during the times when Wonwoo and Junhui fought over something small.
He was only Wonwoo’s right hand when the latter wanted to surprise his boyfriend after performing at an event.
He was Wonwoo’s one call away. Whenever the younger wanted to talk about his kilig moments with Junhui, Jeonghan listens. Even if it’s three in the morning and he didn’t want to be disturbed, it was an exception when it comes to Wonwoo.
That might have been a privilege to some people. The feeling of being best friends with the Yoon Jeonghan was fortuitous, as they have seen with Wonwoo’s friendship towards him. Kapag tinatanong ng ibang tao si Wonwoo tungkol kay Jeonghan, words like ‘Si Jeonghan? Bestfriend mo? Suwerte mo naman!’ ‘Jeonghan? Woah! Anong pakiramdam?’ ‘Huwag mong hahayaang mawala yan sayo si Jeonghan. Your loss, sige ka.’ will come out.
For Jeonghan, however, it wasn’t that case. It was always the questions about Wonwoo’s boyfriend and whether he felt jealousy over it. As much as Jeonghan wanted to let his emotions flow towards his mouth like waterfalls not stopping and running out of water and continuing to run down the edge, he couldn’t shouldn’t .
Ayaw niyang gumawa ng isang bagay na magpapagulo sa isang maayos na sitwasyon. Isang sitwasyon na masaya at isang sitwasyon na hindi niya dapat sirain just for his own sake. He wanted to be satisfied with what he had.
Deep down, Jeonghan also knew Wonwoo and Junhui wouldn’t break up. Their relationship was ideal to some—not perfect but already enough to consider as something you wanted to have. How could a couple that is so close to having an almost happy ending, leave each other?
Kaso may mga bagay talaga tayong hindi inaasahan. Change has been constant in this world and people should have been prepared for the worst thing that could happen. But even so, no one expected the news of Wonwoo and Junhui’s relationship coming to an end.
Valentine's pa nga. For a reason that no one knew what was all about. Not even Jeonghan.
The sudden break up had been a discourse to the whole school. Valentine’s day was supposed to be a happy day especially for couples but that wasn’t the case for the ideal couple.
During those times, Jeonghan played the role of being Wonwoo’s best friend. After being aware of the situation, he canceled his blind date for Valentine's day just to be with Wonwoo and a pair of tissues.
Jeonghan had reminded himself once again of being Wonwoo’s best friend only.
Yun lang.
Yun lang talaga.
Yun lang dapat talaga.
But while Jeonghan was comforting Wonwoo, the younger looked at him in the eye and suddenly proposed the idea of fake dating to prove that he wasn’t broken. That he was okay and he could stand up and face the day without having Junhui by his side.
“Wonwoo, hindi mo kailangang gawin to,” Jeonghan tells him. “It’s not what you should do right now. Alam kong nasaktan ka niya and I don’t know the reason behind that but hindi ka dapat magpadalos-dalos sa mga desisyon mo. You can show him na kaya mo nang wala siya without doing this.”
Wonwoo shakes his head.
Because deep inside, he also knew those weren’t the only thing he considered while suggesting this idea.
“Wonwoo–”
“It’s… it’s not just that,” Wonwoo admits. With a low voice, he confessed. “Han, if we do this maybe… bumalik si Jun. Maybe… he’ll realize a lot of things at balikan niya ako.”
Wonwoo was so desperate that he almost went to beg on his knees if it only weren’t for Jeonghan stopping him that time.
“Kahit ngayon lang, Han. Please? Ikaw lang maaasahan ko rito. You’re my best friend .”
Alam na alam ni Jeonghan kung saan ito mapupunta. Fake dating is a dangerous thing. They might end up hurting each other in the end.
Even so, Wonwoo had already pleaded, and Jeonghan had no choice but to agree.
For Wonwoo, Jeonghan will do anything. Everything.
They started dating after a month of the breakup. There was some circulation of rumors, tittle-tattle about the sudden dating of the two. Hindi na sana magugulat ang mga tao if they dated before. But knowing the current situation, it’s different.
Others thought the relationship of Wonwoo with Junhui was a way for the best friends to realize their feelings for one another. The concept of rebound naman ang tingin ng iba. Pero sa dami ng rason na inilahad ng mga tao, they didn’t confirm any of it. No one really knew the real reason why. Not even their common friends. Wonwoo and Jeonghan just went on dating each other, not caring about what anyone says.
But like any other stories, fake dating always doesn't work that well. Masuwerte na lang kung parehas silang na-inlove sa isa’t isa (even though we all know Jeonghan’s already in love) and they confessed to each other, making it a happily ever after for their story. Kaso hindi eh. For Jeonghan and Wonwoo, that wasn’t the case.
That decision made things become hasty for the both of them. Masyadong mabilis to the point na nagkandagulo-gulo na ang lahat. Acting as boyfriends when they were already used to being friends was hard. Wonwoo clinging to Jeonghan while calling him pet names was hard. Especially when the older had hidden feelings for the other. Mahirap hindi bigyan ng kahulugan dahil may parte kay Jeonghan na humihiling na sana kahit papaano may double meaning even if he’s fully aware that things like that will only end up as sana eventually.
At alam din nilang at the end of the day, they both knew this kind of set-up wouldn’t work.
The months of them being together was like a paradise to Wonwoo. Jeonghan made him feel happy everyday. Hindi nagkulang si Jeonghan sa pagiging nobyo niya at sobrang nagpapasalamat si Wonwoo sa kanya. Pero alam niya na kahit tugunan pa ni Jeonghan lahat ng kaginhawahan, kaaliwan, at iba pang magagandang pakiramdam na gusto niyang madama, hindi pa rin ito sapat.
Because Junhui was the only one that could make him feel complete. Kumbaga, sa isang 1000 pieces puzzle, si Junhui ang isang puzzle piece na kailangan niya para mapunan ang kulang na parte sa buhay niya. Even if Jeonghan was a puzzle piece as well, he wasn’t the one fitted to be there.
They both decided to end things for their own good.
“So, this is how it goes, ano?” Jeonghan said.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work,” Wonwoo apologized.
Jeonghan cupped Wonwoo’s cheeks and said, “it’s okay, Wonungie. We both knew it’s bound to happen anyway. We’re better off as friends.”
Jeonghan and Wonwoo broke up a month before their graduation. It might have been a waste, but at least they tried.
Besides, one broken soul couldn’t fix another if it couldn’t fix itself first.
—
“You don’t need to say sorry, Wonu,” Jeonghan holds Wonwoo’s hands, intertwining it with his. “It’s okay.”
“I know it isn’t okay. You don’t need to pretend that it is.”
“But it is. I’ll do anything for you as long as it will make you happy. Satisfied. Or kahit ano pang maramdam mo,” Jeonghan assures him. “Remember Valentine's 2020?”
Jeonghan opens another memory about the two of them. And Wonwoo, as he reminisced the memory, nods and shows a genuine smile.
—
Jeonghan was nineteen and Wonwoo was eighteen.
It was Valentine’s day.
And it has been three years since Wonwoo got broken hearted due to his first love. It’s been three years, too, since Jeonghan left to study abroad.
Wonwoo didn’t feel the need to stand up on his bed and go outside to celebrate it. He didn’t like Valentines and didn’t have someone to celebrate with that makes everything easier for him (as what he thinks). Surely Wonwoo has friends, but his friends had their own dates and Wonwoo didn’t want to be the sole single person while his other friends are being lovey dovey. Baka magmukha lang siyang kawawa sa paningin ng iba especially when that day happened.
He also thought it’s inconvenient for him to go outdoors. Valentine's day was a Sunday. If Wonwoo finally had time to rest, wouldn’t he just grab it without thinking otherwise?
But as what people say these days, mapagbiro ang tadhana.
Wonwoo suddenly saw himself dressing up after getting an unexpected call from his new friend, Soonyoung, who asked for a favor in exchange for a gaming video he wanted to try for years. Hindi niya gustong gawin ang hinihinging pabor ni Soonyoung, pero the latter sounded so desperate—like he was already on his knees while talking to him.
“Just once, Won. Pagbigyan mo na ako, please?”
“Ano ba kasi ‘yun?” Wonwoo asked.
“Can you be someone’s date for Valentines?”
Wonwoo declined immediately but Soonyoung was too eager na makakuha ng oo mula sa kaibigan.
“I’ll buy you the gaming video you wanted pag pumayag ka.”
Wonwoo sighed, “pero bakit ako? You could’ve asked other people to do it. But why me?”
“Bastaaaa,” Soonyoung said. “You trust me naman, right?”
“I don’t,” Wonwoo responded as a joke.
Wonwoo found himself laughing so hard when Soonyoung gave him a loud whine. It might have been kind of annoying to some, but that’s Soonyoung’s personality. Sanayan na lang.
After how many minutes and attempts, Wonwoo was satisfied with his look. A white, long polo sleeve partnered with black slacks. It’s simple and not extravagant for today’s event.
Napaisip si Wonwoo kung bibigyan pa ba niya ng materyal na bagay ang makakameet-up niya. Would it be too much doing it for the first meeting with a stranger?
“Hindi naman siguro, ano?” Wonwoo thought to himself.
After convincing himself that it was okay to give someone a gift as a sign of kindness and maybe appreciation, Wonwoo brainstormed about what to give for his date.
How about chocolates? But that’s kind of common. A teddy bear? Baka hindi naman mahilig sa stuff toy yung tao. A bouquet? That might have been too much.
In the end, Wonwoo ended up buying a single white rose instead.
White rose. Hope, respect, and love.
He hoped the person whom he will be giving the rose receives all that.
Nang makarating si Wonwoo sa paroroonan, he was greeted by an unexpected guest. Wonwoo was shocked, yet he didn’t have to think otherwise on hugging that person immediately.
His date smiled at him.
“Hi date ko,” said Jeonghan, and hugged Wonwoo as well.
“You’re here.”
“Yes, Wonungie,” Jeonghan hugged him tighter. “I’m home.”
Itapon na sa kalawakan
Sanlibong bakit na 'di matuldukan
'Di kailangan na buhating mag-isa
'Di ka sayang, 'di kailangang manghinayang
'Di ka sayang, 'di kailangang patunayan
Sarili ay mahalaga kahit pa ano'ng tingin nila
Tanggap kita
Wonwoo found out that Jeonghan came home earlier than expected and planned to surprise him that day. Jeonghan laughed when Wonwoo was complaining about not fetching him from the departure area of the airport and told him, “paano magiging surprise kung sasabihin ko sayong uuwi ako?”
The younger scratched his head and got shy a bit, “oo nga pala.”
Jeonghan chuckled after that and said, “anyway, tara na Wonungie at maglakbay. Let’s enjoy this day together.”
Wonwoo and Jeonghan spent their day wandering around Ayala in Makati. They ate a chicken boxed meal in Bonchon and went shopping on SM. The both of them tried new clothes from a famous brand and bought some matching clothes that they decided to wear for their next friendly date.
When the day had finally come to an end, they decided to visit Ayala Triangle Gardens to see the annual lights and sounds show. That show had a lot of good reviews and there have been people talking about it through social media. Jeonghan wanted to see it himself. With Wonwoo.
Simple lang ang pagcelebrate nila para sa araw ng mga puso but it was already enough for them to say that it’s memorable. A day to remember, ika nga nila.
Ayala Triangle was beautiful. Staring and watching at the dancing lights with someone special made it more alluring. Wonwoo and Jeonghan let themselves drown with music and a festival of lights.
“Ang ganda ng mga ilaw, ano?” Wonwoo said.
Tumingin naman si Jeonghan sa kanya at ngumiti.
“Oo nga, maganda nga. Ang gandang titigan.”
—
“Valentines 2020...”
There is a sudden change of tone from Wonwoo’s voice that Jeonghan had to look at him to check the younger.
“May problema ba, Wonu–”
“...it brings back a lot of memories, ano?” Wonwoo says, voice fainting.
Jeonghan didn’t need time to think about what it was because the statement hit him like a bucket of ice cold water streaming through his whole body.
Oo nga pala.
Tangina.
—
Bago pa mahuli si Jeonghan na nakatitig sa kanya, binalik na nito ang tingin sa mga ilaw na ngayo’y nagpapakita ng iba’t ibang kulay sa paligid. Pula, asul, dilaw, berde.
Muli namang nagsalita si Wonwoo pagkatapos.
“Sayang. Baka maging huling punta ko na ‘to.”
Para bang biglang napatigil ang mundong kinatatayuan ni Jeonghan at tila ba’y silang dalawa lang ni Wonwoo ang gumagalaw. Nakaramdam siya ng kaba mula sa sinabi ni Wonwoo. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin nito. Bakit nasabi ni Wonwoo na huling punta na niya? Bakit ang pagbigkas ng mga salitang iyon ay nagmukhang isang permanenteng paalam? Sobrang nag-iisip ba masyado si Jeonghan sa sitwasyon? Baka naman sinasabi lang ni Wonwoo na huling punta niya dito dahil baka marami siyang gagawin sa mga susunod na buwan?
Wonwoo, on the other hand, suddenly felt a pang on his chest. Napamura siya sa kanyang isipan, “tangina, bakit ngayon pa? Hindi ba talaga ako mapagbigyan ng mundo ngayon?”
“Wonungie, anong meron–”
“Uwi na tayo?” Wonwoo asked. Jeonghan stopped watching the show and immediately let his attention focus on Wonwoo.
“May problema ba?” Jeonghan questioned, eyes looking concerned more than ever.
“Wala. Huwag kang mag-alala,” Wonwoo assured Jeonghan, but the latter wasn’t convinced even in a tiny bit.
“Wonungie, you can tell me everything. Makikinig naman ako.”
Wonwoo felt weak. He just wanted to go home.
“Jeonghan,” Wonwoo said, “please. Let’s–let’s just go home.”
Jeonghan sighed, “okay, Wonwoo. Uwi na tayo.”
Things should’ve been alright that time. Uuwi na lang dapat sila and the day could’ve ended up quite well. But it only took a single footstep for Wonwoo to fall and collapse, not having another chance to step forward.
Events from that night escalated quickly. Wonwoo being rushed to the emergency room, Jeonghan crying his heart out while dialing Seokmin’s number, and sitting on the hospital floor feeling hopeless together with his heart sinking down.
Life is indeed a rollercoaster ride to everyone. How the day started with happiness and ended up with dread.
—
“That day… I didn’t know you were sick,” Jeonghan tells Wonwoo.
“At sabi ko naman sayo na ayaw kong sabihin sayo yun noon kasi ayokong mag-alala ka, hindi ba?”
“But I’m your best friend, Wonu.”
“Han,” Wonwoo looks at him in the eye. “Remember what I told you before? The day when we broke up?”
“Han, can you promise me na huwag mong sayangin ang buhay mo sa akin ulit… in the future?”
Para bang nabingi si Jeonghan sa sinabi ni Wonwoo sa kanya. Hindi maintindihan ni Jeonghan kung ano ang gustong sabihin ng binatang nasa harap niya ngayon.
“What?” Wonwoo could recognize the confusion towards the older’s voice, “ulit? Anong sinasabi mo, Wonungie? Hindi ko sinasayang ang buhay ko sayo. Never did I do that because everything I do is worth it when it comes to you.”
“Just– promise me, will you?”
And Jeonghan did.
Eto pala ang ibig sabihin ni Wonwoo.
“Wonungie–”
“Jeonghan, you were always there for me. Always. And as much as I’m grateful for it, I don’t want to be a burden to you anymore. Please let go,” Wonwoo pauses, hesitating a little bit but continues. “Let go of your feelings for me. Find someone better that deserves your time more than me.”
Jeonghan is suddenly surprised.
“You are so worthy of love, Han. Kaso hindi ko kayang ibigay lahat ng pagmamahal sayo dahil may iba pang taong mas makapagbibigay ‘non sayo. You’ve been with me since forever. At alam ko, na kahit na may ngiti sa mga labi mo minsan, alam kong sa bawat tawa na inilalabas mo may halong kalungkutan. Alam kong nasasaktan din kita.”
Kahit talikuran ka nila, tanggap kita...
Bitawan na ang 'yong pangangamba…
“Wonwoo, okay lang naman yun. Lahat naman okay lang para sayo. Hindi ko kayang bitawan na lang lahat ng nararamdaman ko basta-basta.”
“But I’m dying, Jeonghan. I’d rather let you move forward and forget about me than see you suffering because of me. Marami pang ibang tao diyan. May– may oras ka na para humilom sa mga bagay na nagpapasakit sayo. Para humilom sa mga sugat na ibinigay ko sayo.”
‘Di pa huli para humilom...
Ang mga sugat ng iyong nakaraan...
'Di kita iiwan…
Jeonghan didn’t want his tears to fall. So he tried not to and let Wonwoo speak again.
“I want you to heal as soon as possible. I want you to be hurt less when you see me lying on a coffin. Can you do that for me? For the last time?”
For the last time.
“Ang unfair, Wonwoo.” Napaiyak na lang si Jeonghan at napayuko. “Hindi naman madali yung pinapagawa mo. Bakit mo ba sinasabi lahat ng ‘to? Iiwan mo na ba ako? Ang sabi sa kanta, hindi kita iiwan. Bakit ngayon... bakit mo ako binibitawan at sinusukuan?”
“Jeonghan,” Wonwoo starts again, voice cracking. “Thank you. For everything. Thank you for letting out the best of me. Mula sa unang araw na nakilala kita, pinaramdam mo sa akin yung halaga ko kaya thank you for letting me see my worth. Lagi kang nandiyan para sa akin and God knows how I’m so thankful for having you as my best friend. I’m so sorry kung hindi ko kayang suklian lahat ng pagmamahal na binibigay mo sa akin. I’m so sorry for that one time na nagpadala ako sa emosyon ko at gumawa ng isang desisyon na alam kong walang magandang patutunguhan. I’m so sorry na hindi ko man lang kayang sinubukan na mahalin ka katulad ng kung paano mo ako mahalin. I’m so sorry kasi siya pa rin talaga. I wanted you to let go of me because I wanted you to find your own happiness without me. To let others show you how worthy you are as a person na hindi ko matugunan. Puwede ba yun, Han?”
'Di ka sayang, 'di kailangang manghinayang...
'Di ka kulang, 'di kailangang patunayan...
Sarili ay mahalaga kahit pa ano'ng tingin nila...
Tanggap kita …
Jeonghan cries once more and accepts defeat.
Lahat gagawin niya para kay Wonwoo.
Even if it means letting go.
“Sa ilang taon nating pagsasama, wala akong pinagsisihan. Hindi ako nag-aksaya ng panahon at oras na dapat inilaan ko na lang sa sarili ko pero sa huli ay pinili na makasama ka because being with you was so much more. I became happy,” Jeonghan says, and lets go of Wonwoo’s hand. “Thank you for letting me enter your world. Pahinga ka na, Wonwoo. Be strong not for me, but for yourself.”
But before Jeonghan can take a step back, Wonwoo pulls him for a hug.
“Huwag kang mag-alala, I’ll heal for you,” Wonwoo assures him. “You don’t need to take care of me anymore. Just…”
“I know. I know,” Jeonghan utters and breaks away from the hug. He looks at Wonwoo in the eye and says, “don’t worry. I’ll do it for you. Basta, lagi mong tatandaan na lahat ng ginawa ko para sayo ay walang halong sakit ng panghihinayang. Dahil mahal kita, Wonungie.”
Wonwoo didn’t say anything after that. Jeonghan thinks the silent response is already enough.
After a few minutes, Jeonghan finally lets go of Wonwoo. The former didn’t say anything after that. He only let out a smile—a smile that is so genuine, eyes curving into a crescent moon shape that gives Wonwoo a sign of assurance.
“Heal for me,” Jeonghan says.
Wonwoo nods.
“I will.”
When Jeonghan goes out of the room, he sees Seokmin standing outside.
“Naghihintay lang ba siya rito?” Jeonghan thinks.
“Did you two talk?” Seokmin asks.
“Yeah,” Jeonghan answers. “Pinlano mo ba ‘to?”
“No. He requested me to do it, actually,” Seokmin explains, “kasi he wanted to kind of clear things with you. Apologize, anything. Alam mo naman yun si bal. He also told me he doesn’t know how long he’s going to live so–”
“He’ll live longer,” Jeonghan tells Seokmin. “It’s his promise.”
With that, Seokmin smiles and lets out a thank you to Jeonghan.
Jeonghan was twenty-one and Wonwoo was twenty.
And maybe that has been Wonwoo and Jeonghan’s destiny.
Jeonghan saved Wonwoo from the feeling of not being wanted and not being worthy enough. If it weren’t for Jeonghan, maybe he’s still carrying alone the weight of questions lingering through his mind.
Wonwoo saved Jeonghan. It’s not too late for healing. Jeonghan had always been with his best friend. Been stuck with his one-sided love for years, letting the wounds get any worse. But letting go was something Jeonghan didn’t know he needed until he finally had it. Wonwoo might have left, but his words stay in Jeonghan’s heart.
With that, Jeonghan let his first love go and started to let himself move forward.
Without any twinge of regret.