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It was another silence Monday. Yoongi just finished his work when a usual message reached his phone. Come over, you can bring some snacks if you want. He chuckled as his legs betrayed him to turn at the corner and headed to his home. Instead, he moved straightforward, and replied to that message while entering a nearby minimarket.
I will be there in few minutes, you better have the dinner already.
If someone asked him, who is this person that makes him smiled warmly in the middle of freezing winter, Yoongi would gladly answered. It’s his very best-friend from college, Jung Hoseok. They entered same club during that phase and got along somehow. Although Yoongi really liked the idea of being close to the younger, he maintained a good distance. Hoseok, unlike him, already has someone as his mate.
“Again, huh?” Yoongi asked lightly as he entered the apartment. Hoseok just smiled weakly and stepped back, giving the older space to step further. He invited Yoongi over more frequently than before lately. Maybe not that lately. It has been like this for weeks, if Yoongi didn’t miscount it. Everything had started to be different since the night Hoseok told him Jimin left the house. Hoseok’s voice was calm that night, but Yoongi who had known him for more than six years could hear his broken sound, hid behind “He will come back tomorrow.”
That tomorrow was never come, even until today. Yoongi knew it, Hoseok actually asked him to often have dinner together because that man needs someone to talk with. Hoseok is not a typical person who could spend his time alone for more than one day. The fact that his roommate was leaving and there’s no sign that he would be back any moment, it makes the duty to accompany Hoseok is given to him.
They had dinner with less words than usual. Yoongi tried to make Hoseok talk, but the man only replied back in short. Nothing is different today, Yoongi marked. Hoseok went to the dance academy at the morning, had brunch with some colleagues, and spent most of his time in there until the night came. He didn’t mention about Jimin for a bit tonight. It has been like that since five or seven days ago. Yoongi noticed, Hoseok had stopped talking about his one and only roommate. The problem must be getting worse.
“You are missing him, Hoseok-a,” Yoongi was the one who started the topic. Hoseok had his back on him. The younger was cleaning the dishes while Yoongi sat across him at the dining room. “You haven’t call him for days, have you?” He asked again as Hoseok didn’t reply to his first statement. Yoongi could notice that, if Hoseok had called him before, he should have asked him for some advice again, like he used to. But Hoseok had stopped doing that. He got more silent and only said something if Yoongi asked him to. This is not a good sign.
He finished his chore and took back his place in front of Yoongi. His hand was searching something on the inside of plastic bag that Yoongi had brought earlier. When he found nothing except sweet stuffs in there, he frowned. “You didn’t buy beer, hyung?” Hoseok asked in low voice. Yoongi shrugged, telling him that he didn’t even ask for that when messaged him two hours ago.
“You are not in a good state right now, I don’t reccomend you to have drink tonight,” Yoongi spoke up, leaning to the table that separated them. He rested his face at the palm of his right hand. “Tell me, why you didn’t contact him again.”
Of course, Hoseok would not easily asnwer that. He avoided eyes contact, trying to do something else as his mind worked to search the best reply for the ask. His hand found the gummy bear package and started ripping the opening, slowly chewed the sweet. “I don’t think it’s the right choice,” He finally opened up, still not looking at Yoongi. A heavy sigh left his lips as he continued. “We didn’t talk like before, hyung. There’s no need to call him and asked about his day like I am there with him all the time. I am not, anymore.”
Stiff silence wrapped around them. Yoongi didn’t say anything. The clock’s ticking and soft sound from Hoseok’s chewed gummy were the only things that could be heard. It was never been like this, but both of them had expected that this kind of day would come, sooner or later. The day when Hoseok blurted out everything he had in his mind, something that he had been hiding from Yoongi since the beginning.
“I don’t even know what is us. What have been developed between us. What kind of relationship that we have.”
There was worried, anxious feeling in those sentences that came out from Hoseok’s mouth. He looked more tired right now. Sighing, shaking his head. Yoongi saw them all. His best friend was trapped inside his own words. The want to let go and hold back. The need to stop and go. It’s just like he was living in a paradox. Yoongi leaned back at his chair, letting Hoseok to continue.
Few months ago, he and Jimin started acting strange. Both noticed that, how everything turned into something plain. How they didn’t do morning kiss anymore. How a date which usually taken time once a week turned into once a month or nothing at all. How they spent more time with themselves, didn’t meet each other other until bedtime. They lived together, at the same apartment, at the same room. But it felt like they were never be together at all.
That period of time was sickening, so strange that even none of them tried to fix what has been wrong. They went by themselves, as if living under the same roof was not a big deal anymore. As if the relationship they have maintained for almost ten years meant nothing to them. They both chose to close their eyes, ignoring it, wished it would be fixed by the time. Yet, nothing has been changed.
“We shouldn’t date at the first place, right?” Hoseok asked, hoping for an answer. But Yoongi didn’t give in. He remained silence, it was his personal trait to not say anything until someone finished his long story in front of him. Hoseok chuckled at that. It was expected, so he started to speak again.
The spring of ten years ago was the beginning of this series of problems. Yoongi might have known it—Hoseok had told him before—but he still wanted to reminiscence the memories in words. At that time, Jimin, who had just become a freshman at high-school, was looking for a room to live in. Both of his parents returned to his hometown, so he needed to live by himself as he already enrolled in one of the high-school in the city. Coincidentally, Hoseok was also looking for someone to share the rent with him since he struggled from financial crisis. He had lived alone since he was in the first year because he went to all-boys school. However, his roommate transferred to another school and he had to start paying for everything by himself. He almost came back home, before some friend introduced him to Park Jimin.
They started to live together since that time, became closer in short amount of time. This continued until they passed college phase. Coincided with Jimin’s graduation, they confessed to each other. They started a new level in their friendship, moving as boyfriends for three years. These days were so lovely and both felt so happy to have each other. Until two months ago, when everything turned upside down.
Hoseok convinced that it was because they didn’t get well with the term boyfriend. They were never like this before, especially when they were still not-blood-related brothers. It felt weird all of sudden. The need to always be there, the jealousy that had crept in without their notice, the unnecessary debate that developed more frequently than before. They both losing meaning of their own relationship. The question like, “Who am I to you?” was often asked out. Suddenly nobody knows the answer.
“What do you mean? You both love each other and has been living together for years. You put married couple in shame, actually.”
Unexpectedly, Yoongi interrupted. He shook his head. The disbelief was clear on his face. He wouldn’t let this go as what Hoseok wanted to. “I don’t think it was because you both are not comfortable with that. Jimin literally called me to make sure you are not alone at the New Year and you often contacted that friend of him—Taehyung?—to not let him skip meals when he was there all the time. What do you mean you are not going well together?”
Where’s the lie, though. Both of them has been really close, never get separated from each other. The only time they were not together—except these two hell-like months—was when both of them went to their own parent’s house. Only two days at the weekend, or added more during holiday. They could argue and leave, but it would only last for a week. Now, it has been more than two months.
No wonder Jimin started to get worried at him and vice versa. Even though the call and message were getting lesser and lesser as time passed by, Hoseok and Jimin noticed that they still wanted to make sure each other is safe. They kept contacting each other’s best friend, too uppish to even straightly doing that. They cared, but they don’t know if it’s right to do that when whatever between them had been fogged.
“I don’t know, hyung,” Hoseok replied weakly. “Everything don’t sit right.”
It did. They started to lose control over the problem because no one could find the reason. The feeling was unbearable but none of them could tell why. That being ignorant was all option they have to overcome that, didn’t realize the peak suddenly happened. So, Hoseok stayed, Jimin gone, and no words left behind. Both were frustrated. Hoseok didn’t even question it at first. He messaged Jimin two days later, the latter told him he stayed over at Taehyung’s apartment. That was all Hoseok needs to know. He didn’t ask further.
“What should I do now?”
That was the concluded question. Yoongi looked at him closely. Hoseok knew, even Yoongi couldn’t give hand on this. The answer is on them. On him, and Jimin.
“You should call him first. Talking through a problem is the only way to solve it,” Yoongi finally said, the corner of his lips lifted up slightly. “You can’t let it get worse and worse by ignoring. You have to face it, Hoseok-a, and tell him what exactly you want,” He continued. His eyes that stared at Hoseok seemed to have trust on him. Slowly, Hoseok nodded at his words.
Yet, he never do that.
:::
After that talk, Hoseok busied himself more. Yoongi never come over again because he simply didn’t ask him to. Jimin didn’t contact him either, so he took that as a cut for their relationship. No need to further talk about it. Three days later, Hoseok was working on his room, practicing a choreo he just created this morning, when someone suddenly entered the apartment. The thud sound of the door that being opened and closed startled him. He ran to the front door, expecting a thief or a robber, but the one who stood in there sent more shiver to his spine.
“Jimin-a?”
There was Jimin, in his blue long coat. He shook his head, trying to get the snow off from his hair. How long was it? Hoseok asked himself. It felt so surreal to see Jimin in here again, in their—supposed to be—apartment. He didn’t change much, except for his hair that was getting longer. Hoseok glad he still look as healthy as the last time they met.
“Do you need to take something?” Hoseok tried to greet him. Although Jimin did it in secret, Hoseok knew he often came here to take his clothes and other belongings. It just happened when he wasn’t home. Maybe today was a coincident because Hoseok returned earlier than usual.
Out of his expectation, Jimin stared straightly at him. His eyes hold so many hidden words. “We should have a talk,” He finally said, short and to the point. Hoseok froze. He was half sure, half not. The time has finally come. Hoseok felt a bit ashamed that Jimin was the one who took the first move. He wasn’t ready to let Jimin go right now, but he couldn’t make him stay either. It’s an okay if he wanted to leave, but the yearning he has for him was bigger than that.
“You want to go outside? I can prepare—”
“We have our room, hyung.” Jimin cut him off, softly. Hoseok almost didn’t hear that. But thanks to their quiet room, his voice reached Hoseok’s sense of hearing. Jimin pushed a smile, then proceeded to walk to the bathroom. “I’ll take a shower first,” He added, this time without looking at his roommate. Hoseok sighed but just let him go. Jimin seemed to come right after he finished his work. So, Hoseok chose to wait with practicing again. After Jimin finished, he took the turn to use the room.
Their bedroom had been tidied up when Hoseok entered it. He gave a fascinated look. “Thank you, Jimin-a,” He said softly, sat across Jimin who had lied down on his own bed. His formal outfit had been discharged and he wore a pair of long-sleeve pajama with plaid pattern. Hoseok noticed he also wore the same pajama, with different color. They bought it last year because Jimin said, “I want to have many couple outfits with you, hyung. We should have couple pajamas too.”
Hoseok’s compliment didn’t get any reply. Jimin seemed to zone out, looking at the celiling with blank expression. Hoseok then slightly chose to follow what he did. No words come out for minutes. He felt weirder, knowing they didn’t sleep in one bed for the past ten years. There were times when they cuddled and have some night time together, but in daily basic, it’s Jimin’s bed and Hoseok’s bed. Not their bed. Why would they separate bed? Who has this idea?
“I’m not ready for that, you know it, hyung.”
The first sentence Jimin spoke to him in this room was that. Hoseok had unconsciously blurted out his mind, murmured a small sorry afterwards because he brought that topic again. He blamed himself for asking the rethorical question. They both know it that the idea of sleeping in two different beds were already in their agreement when they started living together. Even though they had been closer ever than before, Hoseok still understood Jimin’s reason. He should’ve waited, as what he usually does, not coming up with this kind of question when they were in the middle of serious talk.
“How are you?” Hoseok changed the topic, moved slightly to face Jimin’s bed. The latter just shrugged. Seemed like he wasn’t ready to open up yet.
“How about you?”
Instead, Jimin asked back. There was worried linger on his eyes when he turned his head to Hoseok. They were back in silence. Hoseok wondered why Jimin’s eyes were looking at him like that. His eyebrows were arched down, weak gaze aimed at him. Hoseok pressed his lips. Why would Jimin worry about him when he was the one who left him here?
“I’m doing good,” Hoseok replied shortly. His lips curled upward, showing a hint of faint smile. Jimin smiled back, glad to hear that. They just asking back and forth, then. About their days that passed without each other, some things in workplace, and such. Sometimes, Hoseok’s eyes would meet Jimin’s. The other times, they were just simply lookng away.
“Why are you coming back?”
Suddenly, that question was spoken to the air. Hoseok stared closely, but Jimin didn’t. His gaze went down and Hoseok could hear sigh left his lips. He shouldn’t have asked that. But Hoseok was too curious. Jimin wouldn’t come like this just because he wanted to talk through their problem. There must be other reason. He could ask Hoseok out, instead of laying on his own bed. As if he was missing it—their private place.
“I can’t do this for a longer time,” Jimin replied after a while. His words came out in rush. He still hadn’t look back. Hoseok noticed his fingers were fidgeting, the sheet under them started to get crumpled. This is the first time in the past ten years that they went separately for more than two weeks. It was fair for Jimin to feel that way. They were not together for almost two months. Christmas and New Year’s eve were also passed with both of them being so far yet so close with each other. Jimin couldn’t bear it anymore, and so did Hoseok. But again, like a loop, they didn’t know what was the exact reason why they were being like that.
They looked pity right now. Jimin and the confusion of his own desires. Hoseok and the little wish that they could be together again. As if that was a big mistake for stepping further than how they used to be. The couple pajamas looked like clown outfit right now. The room, the separated bed, Hoseok found all of that so funny out of sudden. They don’t belong to this.
“You know, Jimin-a. I respect your choose, too.” Hoseok said, calmly and not demanding. He wasn’t lying or trying to sound supportive. Jimin never mentioned about what he wanted to do, but everything would be okay for him. He would get along. Even if Jimin left him again. Even if he chose to never come back. It would be hard at first, but Hoseok’s only wish aside for being with him was Jimin’s happiness. If that makes him happy and free, Hoseok could let him go.
“How about you? What do you want?” Jimin asked back, avoiding the first question that aimed to him. This time he scooted to the edge, lying on his side and faced the older. His question was easy to answer. Hoseok wanted nothing but reconciling with him. Either being a friend or a brother, it’s totally okay.
“I just wanna be with you.”
These days when everything felt like sugar-free—no sweet words, no kisses, no hugs. Rather, the awkward moments between them started to develop. There were no long sentence anymore, they talked to the point. There were no talking before bedtime anymore, everyone chose to fall asleep as soon as they got the pillow under them. Everything turned to be strange, they were like stranger. And yet, in the middle of these times, both of them were still longing other’s warmth. They desire it, but at the same time, they didn’t feel like they do that.
“Hyung,” Jimin called, and Hoseok who never let his gaze off him just stilled. He encouraged him to continue through his quiet movement. Jimin was hesitant, his words didn’t come for minutes. “We do know we want it,” His voice was small, barely above a whisper. Hoseok listened and didn’t move for a bit. Jimin was silence again. He didn’t continue, letting his stare fallen to the carpet that separated their bed. It looks warm, they used to play with their toes in there when talking face to face. Both would sit on each bed and they could spend hours with some unnecessary stories. Jimin stared back, Hoseok got a bit startle at that. “But—” He continued in lower voice, holding the eye contact.
“You also feel like you don’t need it,” Hoseok chose to finish him when Jimin didn’t speak again. His lips curled upward, a demeanor to comfort the younger. As if he reassured him that it was okay to feel that way, because Hoseok did that too.
“Is this the end?” Jimin asked, unsure with his own voice. Hoseok didn’t know. It was complicated. But being in uncertainty like this for a longer time period would only hurt both of them. They need to find the answer and close the unresolved case.
“Depend to what you want it to be.”
That was Hoseok’s answer. He chose to reply in safe way. Jimin could talk about this again for hours, days, months, or even years, and Hoseok would still listening. It doesn’t matter, as long as he could find the end he wants.
A creaking sound could be heard when Jimin got up from his bed. He didn’t say anything as his move was going closer. Hoseok rose up, sitting with his back on the head of the bed when Jimin climbed above him. The younger cupped his left cheek and erased the distance between them. Their lips met in smooth way. Jimin was the first to kiss, so he just followed. They have their eyes closed, Hoseok raised his hand to hold the younger on his waist. It was like forever when Jimin finally pulled his face. There was a hinted of blush on his cheeks. What is he aiming for? Hoseok kept the question for himself.
“How do you feel?”
Jimin’s voice was a bit hoarse. Hoseok raised his eyebrows at that. They still had each other’s face in very close distance. A whisper as an answer would be okay, then.
“Sweet. Bitter. Shame?”
The last was unexpected. A kiss with Jimin would always feel sweet, like tasting an icing at the top of a cake. But after what happened in the past months, the bitter taste followed. A feeling that told him it was wrong to do that. The bitter then lead him to even stronger taste, a shame. As what he had said to Yoongi the other day, everything don’t sit right.
They moved again when Jimin met their lips for the second time, harder this time. It was clashing and demanding. Hoseok raised his free hand to the back of Jimin’s neck, pulling him closer. They lost breath and Jimin was taken aback, Hoseok saw his face started heating up. His cheeks were flushed.
“How do you feel?” He asked the same question, his voice came with a bit panting. Jimin looked down. The replied followed in a whisper.
“Same.”
They stilled like that. Jimin tried to setady his breath and Hoseok almost smiled at that. He was the one who started this but somehow Hoseok outdid him. He reached out, pressing the back of his neck with two fingers.
“I can feel your heartbeat here. It was going fast.” Hoseok’s explanation sounded unnecessary, but he knew well that was what Jimin aimed to. He got it. The thing Jimin was searching for is the truth of his own feeling. He tried to understand himself, and Hoseok was more than just lucky guessing it. He had known the younger for years, his demeanor was easy to read after one attempt.
“Do you love me?”
That was expected question. Hoseok waited, Jimin still avoiding his gaze.
“We do, hyung,” He finally answered. The question wasn’t asking him. Hoseok actually seek the truth between them. It should’ve been “Do we love each other?” rather than that. But Jimin got the meaning without even thinking about it twice. Hoseok raised his hand from his neck, caresing Jimin’s hair.
“You know, there’s option to stop,” He said softly, calming the boy above him. But Jimin shook his head. No.
“I don’t want to do it.” Hoseok noticed Jimin was clenching his fist. His eyes finally looked up at him. Sorrow, bitter, guilty—Hoseok saw them all in there. He sighed. The thing was getting harder to handle than before. Both of them were not ready to let go. Both of them were very aware of other’s feeling. Both of them knew this would lead to unhealthy relationship.
It’s selfish.
They just lied down then, side by side. Hoseok had gently rearrange their position so they rest on the one big pillow he had. Silence wrapped them again. Hoseok’s gaze met the purple color of the wall beside him. He got reminded on something.
“Do you remember how we painted this room after one month we moved in?” Hoseok asked, looking further to the interior of their shared room. Jimin followed his gaze and murmured something.
“You had purple color all over your face, hyung.”
A small laugh escaped Hoseok’s lips. “Well, we are not really good at doing that. You keep leaving patches everywhere so I need to repaint it,” He replied jokingly. Jimin hummed at that.
“You said you wanted to help with small arts, because you think it would give the room brighter vibes,” Jimin added. Hoseok nodded, holding back a laugh. He knew what Jimin would say next.
“But hyung never do that.”
There was no defence from Hoseok. He just chuckled at that, catching Jimin started to smile from his corner of eyes. He looked up, the ceiling has sparkle spreading from the lamp. That one was Jimin’s idea. “And you would ask for some fireworks art. You really like it,” Hoseok said, smiling at the splashes of paint that decorated the upper part of this room. Jimin nodded. Although Hoseok failed to add small arts on their decorated wall, he still managed to make the fake fireworks at the palate. Hoseok always knew what he likes the most.
“I miss fireworks,” Suddenly Jimin mentioned that. Hoseok felt bad for him. They didn’t watch fireworks together during New Year. Jimin must’ve been alone that day, as Taehyung would go on date with his boyfriend—Jimin had told him how that friend of him had started relationship and slowly spend time more with him. Hoseok turned to him.
“Can we go again? The summer festival?”
It was Jimin’s request. They went to there last year—and every year before—but Jimin seemed to not fully enjoy it that time. Maybe the storm was already started in there. Hoseok noticed it but Jimin hadn’t done anything about that since they left. They kept being as usual, until two months passed and he left.
“Of course,” Hoseok answered, a faint smile etched on his lips. Jimin stared at him a little bit longer, as if he was searching something in there. But he didn’t say anything and then looking away.
“Hyung always scolded me for not doing chores. I tidied up the room earlier this day because I want to make you feel better when entered it.”
Ah, that’s why. Hoseok almost raised his hand and pulled the younger into a hug. He was thankful and everytime he felt that, Hoseok just wanted to give Jimin a warm kiss. He deserved a reward for being good.
“I don’t want to hear you scolding me when I just got home after weeks.”
They laughed together for the first time that day. Sometimes everything between them was so simple. They just wanted to make each other keep smiling. Happiness is the only direction they pointed to. Either Jimin or Hoseok, both were willingly do anything to make the latter feel happy.
“Taehyung has engaged,” Jimin started a new topic, this time he had been brave enough to look at the older. Hoseok turned around, raising his eyeborws.
“Really?”
A nodded was given as approval. “Yeah, yesterday. I tried to keep it as surprise because he would throw a party later, but I dont think I could shut my mouth further than now,” Jimin giggled at the end of his sentence. He looked so happy to tell that great news. Hoseok was glad as well.
“Namjoon is a great man for him,” He added, remembering the boyfriend of Taehyung that was introduced to him when they had unintentional double-date. They bumped up to each other at Itaewon and then chose to have lunch together.
“I know right. They’re like puzzle pieces that complete each other. Taehyung doesn’t open up easily to people and Namjoon is the one he can trust wholeheartedly after me,” Jimin let his eyes wandered to the ceiling, he was grateful his best-friend got the best man for his life partner. Hoseok nodded. He only talked with Namjoon once or twice but he could sense the big admiration and love he has for the younger one. They are really a perfect couple in his eyes.
“I always want someone like Namjoon to Taehyung, or the other way around.”
That was Jimin’s statement. Hoseok cocked his eyebrow at that. “What kind of person?” He asked, leaning closer to his pillow. He wanted to listen Jimin’s answer. However, the younger seemed to uncertain about that. He pinched his chin.
“Um. . . I need someone who can help me lift my self esteem—someone who would encourage me to do what I like. Someone who will not judge me and ask me to be someone else. I like to take care of my loved one so I think a spoiled person would match with me,” He replied after a while. His eyes now directing up to Hoseok’s. “How about you, hyung?” Jimin asked back and Hoseok was a bit startled at that. He was still processing Jimin’s answer.
“Me? I think of—um—I really like to make proud people around me. Someone who always like and cheer me—I think that’s all. I like to be precious to someone, and I will make sure that someone is precious to me too,” Hoseok finally gave in. Jimin chuckled, his answer sounds stammered. Hoseok got so shameful that he didn’t realize what he would say next.
“I can be that kind of person to you.”
Oh, crap. Hoseok meant the sentence to cover his embarrasing act and Jimin actually just wanted to murmur it. Yet, they both speak it up out loud. An awkward silence followed, no one looked up and only the sound of their breath that could be heard.
The ringing sound of a phone interrupted two minutes later. It was Jimin’s. He got up, reaching out to his phone that was put on the top of the drawer. Jimin then sitting at the edge of the bed, replied to whoever on the phone with bright face, sometimes Hoseok could hear his laughing. He moved away, leaning at the wall that situated right beside his bed. Hoseok waited until Jimin finished before scooting closer and sat beside him.
“Who is it?” He asked, trying hard not to sound so curious. Jimin turned around after putting his phone back to the drawer.
“Jungkook, the boy nextdoor at Taehyung’s apartment,” The answer was said lightly, Jimin seemed to not feel disturbed at all. Hoseok raised his eyebrows.
“He just asked where I am,” Jimin explained, didn’t want to create the misunderstand between them. “I didn’t tell him I went home today and Taehyung probably going to Namjoon’s house now. He called to make sure we’re safe,” He added, creating a relieved expression in Hoseok’s face. Jimin hold back a smile.
“He sounds like a nice person,” Hoseok finally said, looking back at him. Jimin nodded.
“He is. Jungkook just moved in when I stayed over there and we got along well even though he is two years younger than me and Taehyung. We hang out together, sometimes,” There was another explanation. Hoseok looked more relaxed to hear that. At least, he knew Jimin was with right person when he wasn’t around. Jimin then asking a question back at him. “How about you, hyung? You invited Yoongi over?”
Well, seemed like Jimin guessed more accurate than him. “Yeah, we spent lots of time together,” Hoseok answered, shrugging. “He also needs some advices because he is pining on his co-worker right now,” He added, giving faint smile at the end of his words. Jimin looked surprised to hear that.
“Wow, that’s a good news. I hope the best for him,” He chimed in. Hoseok nodded. They both know how Yoongi was looking for a partner after his chance to date Hoseok was totally vanished. They tried to introduce him to many people before, glad to know that he had found his new crush now.
“You better do,” Hoseok replied in short and they exchange look for a while. Jimin broke the contact first and he looked away, straight up to the window in front of them. The sun had set, night slowly crawled up and made the sky behind the curtain turned from blue-greyish color into a whole black. Hoseok followed his stare.
“You know. The green light is yours.”
The statement only had one meaning. Hoseok let it out, he wouldn’t hold Jimin back any longer. If this was going to end, then he could do nothing against it. Jimin looked happy to receive the call, they must be clicked with each other even in short timespan. In order to make Jimin smiled like that again, Hoseok would do anything. Even if he should give up on them.
“I want to maintain this, hyung.” Much to his surprise, Jimin replied. Hoseok turned around, at the same time when Jimin looking at him. “What do you mean?” He asked, frowning. Hoseok was taken aback. Silence again.
“I thought I was the only one,” Hoseok said, his voice was more stable than he thought. “You left so I figured out you don’t want to do it anymore.”
It was right. Jimin excused for a night, but he never come back and Hoseok didn’t even ask about it. Hoseok took it as Jimin’s way to declare that they are not supposed to be together anymore. That everything between them will be ended up as something they never expected before, yet they knew it would be coming soon. Hoseok was ready for that.
“I need clear mind to rearrange this shit. Don’t misunderstand,” Jimin’s voice sounded painful. Hoseok felt bad for making him say that kind of words. There were too many misunderstands between them. They shouldn’t maintain this for a longer time or they would just be hurting each other. If a stop was the answer, then they should follow it.
But, Hoseok didn’t want to end this as a farewell. He didn’t want them to get separated again. He didn’t want to experience hell for being far away from Jimin. He didn’t want those events to be happened again. No more.
“Jimin-a,” Hoseok called out, inviting him to look at his eyes. Jimin turned around and Hoseok would punish himself after this for being the reason behind the younger’s hurted gaze. He took a deep breath and preparing the words.
“Let’s start again, shall we?”
At first, Jimin didn’t get it. No words left his lips. He just sat there in silence. Hoseok felt his hands started to tremble. He clenched his fist.
“Being us again. Like before. Like those seven years before we started dating.”
There was disbelief in Jimin’s face. Confusion, speechless, bemused. Hoseok saw them all converged in one word that Jimin let out after.
“Hyung.”
A heavy sigh left Hoseok’s lips. “Because how ridiculous this would sound like, I will still take it as the truth. You’re like my half, Jimin-a,” He said, no hint of lying could be heard. Jimin stilled at his place, his eyes never leave Hoseok for a second. “The idea of having you far away is like a nightmare. Something is taken away from me. I can’t let that happen again.”
A confession that brought Hoseok broke the eye contact between them. From the corner of his eyes, he could sense Jimin tried to see his face again. But, Hoseok was too ashamed to look at him now. “I don’t care if we are not boyfriend or anything. I just want to be with you and nobody else,” He added in a whisper. Hoseok closed his eyes. Regret started to flock in his mind. “I’m sorry for being so selfish.”
No reply. Hoseok steadied his breath, unclenched his fists. It took all of his patience to say these kind of sentence. All this time, Hoseok was so ready to let Jimin go, to let him away from his life. But the deepest part of him was against that. He could never do that. How many time he convinced himself to be less selfish, it would fall totally useless. The patience he had only killed him in silence, slowly hurted him like a poison running through his veins. He would be a body without soul, sooner or later.
“My mother once said that she and my father are destined to be together,” Jimin finally said, he had turned around and looking at the window again. His voice was clear, even though Hoseok was sure he saw him almost teared up few minutes ago. “I saw them like a pair of lock and key—you can’t separate them, they can’t stand alone either. They need each other to be a whole, if one was taken away, the other would become useless,” He continued in his usual tone, Hoseok almost thought they were talking on these days where everything like this never happened. Jimin let out a little chuckle. “Since I was a kid, I always wanted to have that kind of person in my life. I want to be a key to someone’s lock, or the lock to someone’s key. I wonder who will complete me to be a one.”
This time, Hoseok braced himself up. He looked over and met with Jimin’s eyes. Those eyes were glistening under the lamp. “Can we be like that, hyung?” He asked, sounded a bit desperate. Hoseok needed to blink twice to process the question. Jimin indirectly wanted him to be that person. He wanted them to be a whole.
They both know the answer. All this time, the answer was right in front of them. These little moment they have together while laying on the same bed—on the same pillow. The moment when they just being themselves, as Jung Hoseok and Park Jimin, as roommate who had been together longer than some married couple. They need to be that, being them. Just like how Hoseok said it earlier. Not more, not less.
“We can,” Hoseok concluded it. A smile was formed on his lips and Jimin was more than surprised to hear that. He scooted closer and pulled the older into a tight hug.
“Thank you, hyung. I won’t—”
“We won’t leave each other anymore.”
Instead of saying I, there was new pronoun for them to use. They would be “them” from now on. They would be “we” when speaking of themselves. They would be “us” when talking about each other. Being one and a whole. Nobody could separate them again, for the rest of their live.
:::
It was nearly midnight when they finished dinner and some movie on Netflix. The night was getting colder so Hoseok took two big blanket from the wardrobe. When he turned back, his eyes found Jimin already snuggled on his bed.
“Why don’t you go back to your bed?” Hoseok asked lightly, joining him at the other side of the bed and then tucked them under the big blanket he just brought. Jimin didn’t answer immediately. He squirmed, trying to find the best position of his sleep. Gratefully, Hoseok had big pillow on his bed, so they could share it. He was too slothful to get up and took his own pillow.
“It’s warmer in here,” Jimin finally replied, sounded sleepy already with eyes closed. Hoseok cooed. He took some strands of Jimin’s hair and tucked them behind his ear.
“Oh, see who is getting cheesy now.”
Being teased like that, Jimin only giggled. He nuzzled closer, resting his head on the crook of Hoseok’s neck. Hoseok raised his free hand and brought it to cover Jimin’s body. This position would help them pass the cold night with so much warm.
“So you’re ready now?”
That question was aimed to Jimin. It’s not unusual to him asking for sleep together on Hoseok’s bed. But it was diferent from now. They have opened up and Hoseok—though he was still unsure and asking that carefully—he wished Jimin gave him the right answer.
A muffled voice then greeted Hoseok’s sense of hearing. “I’m trying,” That was he said. Hoseok chuckled, caressing Jimin’s back.
“Should we get a new bed, then?”
There was long pause, Hoseok almost worried Jimin wouldn’t like this topic of conversastion. But after a brief silence, Jimin suddenly looked up. Their face was only an inch to each other. The younger was smiling. “I’d like to,” He said, surely, before giving a small kiss to Hoseok’s lips. The older was full of relief. He smiled widely and press a long kiss to Jimin’s forehead. They sleep soundly that night, limb tangled with each other, and the snow storm that really happened a few hours later would never disturb their peace.
.
.
.
-fin