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It was just a joke. They had all had a few too many butterbeers. Lily had said something about how Sirius was James’ true love. So Sirius had crawled into James’ lap, wrapped his arms around him, and tucked his head into his chest. When James realized what was happening he got the usual brief rush of adrenaline he felt whenever they were in sync, a joke or a prank falling perfectly into place. Only it didn’t fade as quickly this time. He played along. He wrapped his arms around him and tilted his cheek so that it rested on the top of Sirius’ head. He held Sirius tight with one arm and stroked through his hair with the other, all night. They found it quite comfortable actually. The low hum continued to play through James’ body all evening.
When Sirius finally got up at the end of the night, James felt a loss. He immediately missed the closeness between them. He stood up as well, and after giving Lily a quick kiss goodnight he followed the boys up to their dorm, floating Remus, who had fallen asleep an hour ago, in front of him. James had a nervous energy that night. He tossed and turned but couldn’t get to sleep, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on the problem.
James did notice over the next week or so that he stuck to Sirius’ side even more than usual. He didn’t think it was so odd. He had simply found that he enjoyed the unique closeness of their friendship and he wanted to encourage more. There was nothing wrong with sharing an armchair while studying, they could both see the book better that way. There was certainly nothing wrong with resting his chin on Sirius’ shoulder while they watched their potions brew.
He found it slightly more worrisome that he didn’t seem to be as engaged on his dates with Lily. He found his mind wandering while she was talking. Where before the graze of her hand on his had driven his heartbeat up to dangerous levels, he felt strangely empty now when she was holding his hand. He didn’t think these two things were related of course. Why would they be? Sirius was Sirius. And as for Lily, their relationship was just going through an adjustment as it was no longer new. They had been seeing each other for a full four months now. Some things were bound to lose their magic when repeated so frequently.
One night James woke to the sound of his curtains being pulled open. It was nearly one in the morning. James’ vision was foggy without his glasses on, but he could make out the very familiar shape of Sirius Black perching carefully on the side of his bed. “Nightmare” he said “Do you mind?” James shook his head. Sirius lifted the blanket and slid in next to him. James turned on his side and wrapped an arm around Sirius to make him feel safe. Sirius had never come to James before with his nightmares, but James was sure he’d been experiencing them since the summer before second year. He figured Sirius felt more comfortable now because of how open James had been with his affection lately. He was glad. What were friends good for if not to hold you through the night and let you know you’re loved and safe and far away from the woman screaming in your dreams?
Sirius came back the next night, and without a word James pulled him into his chest and tucked them in. It became a routine. And James was quite determined to think nothing of it, until one night he made a mistake. He was on the edges of sleep. His eyes closed, he adjusted his position, nuzzled into Sirius’ hair, and kissed the back of his neck. At that moment he froze. He hadn’t been thinking, the movement just came automatically. As if it were familiar. As if it were right. Sirius’ breathing remained steady. James thought, or maybe hoped, he was asleep. He laid his head down a few inches away from Sirius’. His mind reeled. Suddenly things were lining up in his head, and he realized what the funny, warm, protective feeling he got in his gut when he was close to his best friend was.
He broke up with Lily the next day. She seemed disappointed but she was by no means heartbroken. James didn’t mention his reason for breaking up with her, just that he didn’t feel the same as he used to. Lily gave him a hug and an understanding look. She would recover. She had always had many admirers, James had only been the most stubborn in fighting for her attention. He regretted that now.
That night when Sirius was lying in his arms, both boys moments from sleep, James leaned in and kissed him on the lips. Sirius was silent. He blinked slowly. When it looked like he wasn’t going to respond, James closed his eyes. “You’re really making a habit of this kissing me and not saying anything.” So he had been awake the other night. He didn’t think he minded anymore. James opened his eyes and stared into silver grey pools of light. He got so lost he forgot that he was supposed to be talking. Sirius pushed his chest gently. “James”
“Hmm.” He wasn’t sure what to say. How could he explain how everything was the same, but it was all different now? How could he be sure Sirius was feeling the way he was? “Broke up with Lily today.”
“So I heard.”
“Think I’m in love with you?”
“That a question?”
“No. Not really.”
“Good. Love you too.” Sirius wiggled even closer to James. James in turn squeezed him tighter, and breathed a sigh of relief. Still perfectly in sync. Thank goodness. He still felt the energy that came from having Sirius in his arms. But at the same time he felt infinitely calmed. Thinking back to the joke that had started all of this, it didn’t seem funny at all anymore. Now it made him smile for a completely different reason, because it could not be more true.