Chapter Text
We’ve written messages to each other before, but even now, it’s still embarrassing to do. You know I've always been bad with words. I think this is the first time that I'm writing a letter to you without having it posted or broadcasted online. This won’t be filled with words of encouragement that you’re used to receiving or for the sake of team-building. I'm not poetic like Beomgyu, nor as straightforward as Taehyun, and Hueningkai’s sensible when he wants to... but I'm honest. I just haven't proven that to you yet.
I thought that it’d be easier to talk about these things like I was actually speaking to you, as if I actually had the courage to do so. I'm sorry for using you like this, but you don't mind, right? It’s like I'm not alone with just my thoughts. If I can’t convey them well, I hope you can understand them even if it's just a bit, like you always have.
I never wanted to feel this way because I knew that since the moment I met you, I couldn't be yours; yet, my eyes kept following you. You looked intimidating, surrounded by all the other trainees, but if I knew that you complimented me back then, maybe I would’ve approached you first. Our first meeting was nothing special, but it left an impression on me. It was your usual teasing that I became familiar with, but you still overwhelm me with nerves. I think it’s because I was hoping for something more. With sweat-covered hands and a grin, you called out to me.
“Hey! I’m Choi Yeonjun.”
This just reminded me of your confidence. I wonder if you caught me staring at you for a heartbeat too long. It must've looked rude, but I was just surprised. There were plenty of other new trainees around, but why did you only introduce yourself to me? I was always told that I looked timid at the first glance, so I must’ve looked approachable by someone like you.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Choi Soobin.”
“Hm, as expected—your name is just as cute as you.”
“Is it because we have the same surname?”
“That must be it.”
You were far too ahead of me and even when you tried to help—even when you took a step back and with patient hands, tried to pull me into your world where my anxiety and insecurities were short-lived... I was too afraid. I couldn't keep up with you, so I let you go. I was okay with staying behind and supporting you, because it was where you belonged in my world.
I came to you when I was suffering from the expectations and the fatigue of this lifestyle. I always isolated myself at the end of practice; everyone knew that. But no one knew why I kept practicing after hours with you. The best moments were the short walks to the convenience store and seeing how our breaths would mingle in the cold air. We didn't know if our bursts of laughter was delirium from hunger or fatigue. The hectic days didn't matter so much anymore because I always got to see you smile at the end of it. You were suffering just as much as I was—even moreso—yet you still managed to joke around me with languid grins and corny jokes.
When we’d pass the park, your eyes would always linger at the lake where the moon's reflection seemed to be the brightest. No matter how many times we’d see it, you’d say how beautiful it was in awe.
“Why do you prefer seeing the reflection? You can't really see the stars either.”
I was dumb to ask because the answer was right in front of me. I wonder if you noticed how my breath caught in my throat when you turned to me with the constellations bright in your eyes.
“It’s just… pretty. Like it seems more... complete with the lake beneath it. You can see a different side of it, I guess.”
You smiled and I understood at that moment. You are much wiser than me.
When you stopped coming to me about your worries, that was when I knew my place as your friend. I was only a bystander, but I can only blame myself. I wished I was something more, to be that type of person you’d fawn over in romantic movies. To be that person you’d always wake up next to despite our schedules and not through obligation because of the cameras. To be the one that would take the lead and not run away from the slightest feelings of uncertainty. I'm the leader of TXT; everyone thought that this role suited me because I’d hear that I was responsible and attentive, but I'm afraid of leading my own life. Isn’t it funny? You told me I was reliable, but I can’t even trust myself anymore. I stopped believing what anyone would tell me.
I’ve hid this well, haven't I? I bet you had no idea that every excuse I made was to avoid sharing a room with you. I’m sorry for making up those lies.
I keep thinking about what could've happened but, I’ll be more honest; I never thought that I had a chance.
I knew I wasn't the first person you told, because you were always one to think rationally, and you probably knew that if we were to have an actual discussion, I would’ve been stubborn, irrational, and above all, selfish. I would've ignored your best interest in mind and acted up in a tantrum, so I did what I could and stayed quiet. I'd break down if I said anything more.
“Soobin-ah, I’m not renewing the contract.”
I wanted to get rid of your solemn face by joking around, even though the members have been bringing up this topic since the deadline was nearing. I wanted to pretend; I wished you would humor me for a bit.
“Is your rent that expensive? That’s why the maknaes are still living together. You were the one that suggested it was time for us to live separately, you know.”
You looked at me with pity. Did I look angry? Sad? Disappointed? You told me out of nowhere, so I suddenly thought back to when I first saw you cry. You looked so young back then, despite having the burdens of an idol gnawing on your back. I’m sure I cried too, because you were wiping away my tears again. My heart still fluttered. I wanted to listen; I wanted to know my faults, so I asked why.
“Don’t you think we’ve achieved our dream as artists already?”
“What do you mean? There's so much more that we could achieve. It’s only been a few years—How can you think that?”
"But are those any of your goals? Maybe the company's, but I don't aspire for numbers or charts. That's not why we wanted to become idols, right?"
Yes, you were right, but I just didn't want to admit it.
"I just — "
—want you to stay.
Ah, why did it hurt so bad? I didn’t understand. We’ve always dreamed of our success as a group, but now I know why I feared that growth. I feared for this moment, when we’d start being more idealistic about our careers. Our promises of continuing for another 10 years was only for the fans. An empty promise made to satisfy the audience. As we learned more about the world, we grew apart. We meet different people with new experiences that we wouldn't share with one another. You already achieved your dreams as an idol, model, designer… I could go on, but for me, I’m still stuck on the moment we met. I want to go back.
I always thought we’d stay together as a family or friends at least. We began losing that teenage mentality, that youthful ego, thinking that the world revolved around us. I had to adapt without you. The promises we made, of staying together, were only valid in the moment. Once we lost that high, it felt unrealistic to stay in our little universe any longer. I understood that. I understood, but who would've thought that the last time we spoke to each other ended up in an argument? I could’ve listed all the things to make you reconsider, but I was too heartbroken at your words, so I said everything else out of frustration.
“That can’t be the only reason why you’re just… giving it all up."
Tell me so I can fix it.
“I’ve been getting worn out recently, you know? Or more like, for the past year… Haven’t you felt the same?”
Of course I have. The nights where my thoughts kept me up to the point of insomnia is more than enough evidence, but we’re not the same Yeonjun-hyung. I don’t want to disappoint others with this role I chose. At the time, I thought about how you were so willingly able to give up your dream until I realized that you had new ones. I was a fool to think that I was a part of them.
“What about everyone else? You can’t just do this so suddenly—”
“That’s the point, Soobin-ah; I’m not doing this for anyone else. I made this decision because I think it’s the best for me. You’ll support me, yeah? I just want to live peacefully and honestly just thinking about it right now, I’m already excited.”
“You’ll ruin everything, you know that right? You’ll ruin everything that we worked so hard for! How can you do this to us?!”
How can you do this to me?
I know I was an asshole. I didn’t mean to yell. I was truly just angry at myself. I’m sorry for making you look at me like that. Trust me when I say that I regret it.
I wish I had your courage. If so, I would’ve tried to be more honest with you. I just realized that we were both lying about our feelings at that time. I guess we're exactly the same.
Why didn’t I notice it before? You had a lackluster gaze whenever we’d finish practicing. Interviews were just a repetition of meaningless words. We thought you were just in a rut and that you’d get back to being the performer you were born to be once we get back to promotions. Why didn’t I notice how unfair I was treating you? You were suffering and I didn't notice.
There were moments where I thought my dreams came true. You looked at me the same way that I've looked at you for years. We’d meet again and I'll still find you intimidating because of how much influence you have over me. I’d see your smile, and then I'd wake up.
The next thing I knew, you came to us. With a nervous smile that I haven't seen since you said goodbye, you revealed your relationship. A two-year relationship worthy enough to brag about to your friends, to the people you trust. To reveal the reason why you abandoned the group and the role as an idol. I felt like crying all over again.
It was like the world was crashing before me. It was so bright, like everything was on fire and my legs were caving in. This fire that used to brighten my days was suddenly too much to bear. You weren’t looking at me, and I'm glad you never did because my presence would have ruined your moment. Though, I'm glad that I was there that day because I was able to witness your proposal. You always loved romance; a picnic under a fully-bloomed cherry blossom tree. It was perfect for you, picturesque even, but I shouldn't have watched any longer. I was torturing myself, but I missed seeing your smile. I couldn't help myself from watching pure love radiate from your face in the form of glittering tears and flushed cheeks. I’m glad you had someone to wipe your tears; I’m sure they treasure them like I did. I’m happy for you because this was what you deserved. This was another dream you accomplished and I’m still amazed.
You know why I was there in the first place? It was the same day that I messaged you to apologize about the past, but you said you were busy. I was sulking, so I went somewhere that would make me feel better. It would always be the place that reminded me of you, your eyes, and your smile.
Now we’re worlds apart, because I realized I was too late in fulfilling that dream of yours. I failed again, but I’ll be alright, because did you know that one of my dreams was your happiness? I’ll be alright; I just didn’t think that this was what happiness meant for you.