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Levi woke up to a loud noise. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. His mother, Kuchel, was talking to the owner of the brothel. He stood outside the door. They were fighting, Levi could tell. Once again, the brothel owner was complaining about how she was no longer able to make money for him, now that she had a son.
Ran away from home, Kuchel prostituted herself in the Underworld. She couldn’t make much but at least she could get by. Until she was impregnated by one of the clients. The brothel allowed her to stay under their proof by selling her body. However, no customer wanted to be involved with any single mother. Despite being advised by other people that she should give up on the child, Kuchel wanted to raise the baby on her own.
Kuchel closed the door. She noticed her son had been awake. Making her way towards the bed, she tenderly embraced Levi. He was small and underweight. She pulled him against her chest, cuddling with him.
“Levi, it’s okay. You don’t have to worry. Everything is alright.”
The look in her eyes was filled with concern. Levi didn’t like the way she sighed. It was so heavy. So sorrowful. He wanted to see his mother’s smile again, thus he pressed his tiny palm on her cheek.
A warm chuckle spread across Kuchel’s, “Levi, let’s go get some bread for breakfast.”
They walked on the narrow, almost empty street. Kuchel held Levi’s hand tightly. She looked at him from time to time as she wanted to cherish each joyful moment they were enjoying.
Fishing a couple of coins out of her pocket, Kuchel only had enough for one loaf of bread. This was all the food they would have for a few of days.
After returning to the small room that they called home, Kuchel sliced the bread in half and pinched just a tiny piece for herself. She offered almost half of the bread loaf to her precious son, to which Levi refused to receive.
“Mom, you must eat for yourself too.”
Kuchel smiled then pinched another piece. “This shall be enough.”
The smile on her face showed how much she was struggling, both emotionally and physically. It was so crooked to the point Levi knew how uneasy it was for her to pull the muscles on her face and created that smile to comfort him.
Understanding the hardships his mother was going through, Levi learned to never show any expression. Just in case his mother was burdened by his childish emotions.
The angelic figure in front of Kuchel was everything she ever owned. Levi was the best that had ever been hers. When she found out she was pregnant, abortion was never a choice. Kuchel acknowledged how difficult it would be to raise a child on her own in the Underworld. Especially in a brothel. Even her brother, Kenny, suggested her to abandon the baby.
Eventually, Kuchel did everything she could to nurture Levi. With everything she had, she had raised her son up, hoping that he would have a better life than hers’.
There was once she saw the neighbor kids running around in fresh clothes and eating delicious food, she wished that Levi would experience the same happiness. So, she tried, and tried, and tried.
No matter how hectic it was, Kuchel would close her eyes and think of the warmth Levi shared with her when they cuddled in bed. Her son was everything to her. And she would sacrifice all she was just for him.
She wanted him to be healthy, and alive. Her biggest desire was for her son to survive.
Because unlike her, who was dying of a sickness she could never afford to cure, Levi possessed a much brighter future.
Kuchel watched as her child consumed the pieces of bread. A tight knot twisted inside her stomach. How could she break the news to him? How could she tell her precious son that she would disappear from his side very soon?
She knew Levi only had her to rely on. Once she was gone, who would take care of her little baby?
Both Kuchel and Levi’s clothes became more loose each day. She started to lose her ability to be as active as she used to.
Levi had noticed how odd his mother had behaved. She stayed more in bed these days and didn’t take any food. He knew something was wrong. But there was no one he could turn to for help.
He sat there at the corner of the tiny room when his mother was asleep. He chose not to disturb her, hoping that she would get better after taking some rest. The feeling inside was hard to describe. He didn’t know what it was. He didn’t understand what he was going through.
The broken pots and pans were left untouched for months on the cold stove. They didn’t afford any coal to heat up the fireplace.
Levi guessed the overworking days had weakened his mother. Like many times before, she would return to her energetic self after some time.
She would, right?
Crawling close to his mother’s sickbed, he reached out to touch her icy hand. Slightly, Kuchel opened her eyes to look at her son.
Levi felt the love in her gaze, as if she was hugging him. Albeit his mother didn’t have enough strength to lift her limbs.
“Levi, you’ll be alright.”
Suddenly, he was scared. Levi felt some emotions he had never felt before. He couldn’t name them. But it was something about the way Kuchel almost had no breath left to speak frightened him.
“Levi, I love you.”
Kuchel gathered all the last drops of strength to shift her arm and patted Levi’s head. She then closed her eyes. And they never opened again.
Levi’s hands dropped to his sides. A silent sob vibrated in his throat. No tears came out, though.
“Levi, I love you.” These words echoed in his mind.
The door was swung opened, allowing the sunlight to luminate the dark room. It smelled like death, no doubt. However, the Underworld had always smelled like decomposing corpses. There was no way to distinguish the scents.
“Hey… you have lost a ton of weight since the last time, Kuchel.”
Kenny greeted his sister lying on the bed with a sadistically harsh comment. She seemed to be peacefully sleeping. But it was alarming how skinny she appeared. Her skin almost glued to her bones. Kuchel was pale and…
“She’s dead.”
Kenny gasped in surprise to hear another voice in the corner of the room. The voice of a child. A voice he had never heard before. Despite being informed about his sister’s death, Kenny didn’t show any reaction. He directed his attention from his sister’s corpse to the boy sitting against the wall. The kid was sickly thin and weak. His pale complexion implied that he hadn’t left the house for quite some time. The piece of clothing on him was as loose as a woman’s dress. His cheeks were gone, leaving only bones on his face. The only alive feature on this child was his eyes. He was on the verge of dying, yet his eyes showcased such a strong will to live.
“And you? Are you alive?”
The kid didn’t respond. He didn’t have much strength to open his mouth and answer.
Kenny started to realise something. Last time he met Kuchel, she was pregnant. This boy here could possibly be his nephew. Those eyes, yes. They resembled those of Kuchel’s. Now that his sister was gone, the child had nowhere else to go and no one to lean on. He would eventually die here in hunger, next to his mother’s corpse. What was going on right in front of Kenny was so tragic. He didn’t expect the last time he saw Kuchel was really the last time. And he didn’t expect to be raising any nephew or niece. People dying here all the time, in the Underworld. It was not such a surprise for his sister to pass away so soon. But he was surprised by her determination to keep the child till the end.
“You have a name?”
The child faintly lifted his head.
“Levi. Just Levi.”
Kenny’s bag was dropped on the floor. His feet moved a few steps back so he could lean on the wall. He slumped down a few inches as if his legs suddenly decided that they weren’t strong enough to stand straight anymore. He understood why the kid’s name was just simply Levi, without any last name. Then he completely sat on the floor, introducing himself.
“I’m Kenny. Just Kenny. I used to know Kuchel. Nice to meet you.”
Levi guessed he could have been an acquaintance of his mother. Maybe a former client. But what could a kid care more than how much his empty stomach had been growling? The man gave him food, that’s all he knew.
An unfriendly brat on the brink of death was all Kuchel left behind. Kenny wasn’t that heartless to let the runt die, but he had no plan in mind to become his parent either.
Levi followed Kenny on the streets of the Underworld. He was taught how to use knife and other weapons. Naturally, he developed skills in combat. He would easily win in street fights. Kenny passed down to him all the dirtiest and cunning ways to survive in such a dark place. Levi had soon become a notorious thug.
But before Levi could get used having the companion of Kenny, the latter chose to walk away and leave him behind.
“Levi, I love you.” The last words he heard from his mother echoed in his mind once again.
Kenny was not an affectionate person. On the contrary, he was a man of rudeness and violence. Levi adopted that cold and harsh attitude from him. Nevertheless, Kenny provided Levi all the basic means needed to stay alive. Food, shelter, clothes, knife skills. Maybe Kenny never said any warm statements that expressed his concern towards Levi, but deep inside, Levi could feel it through the things he had done. Kenny cared for him. And then he left.
Once again, Levi was left alone in this world. Yes, at least now he could survive on his own. Yes, perhaps he could get used to being left alone again for the second time now. But why? Why would someone so dear to him tell him that she loves him, just to leave him alone right afterwards? Why would someone take him in, care for him, teach him everything, then once again leave him behind?
If love meant giving him hopes and opportunities to experience the warmth and then being abandoned in the end, then he didn’t want love. Not at all. Levi didn’t want to go through any kind of love, again.
Levi could never get used to people leaving him after leaving the impression of a great deal of love in him.
It’d been a month after the day Levi hand picked the best soldiers for his special squad. The elite team called Special Operations Squad, widely known as the Squad Levi. After everything he went through, Levi had become the best soldier humanity had against the titans.
As he was looking through some documents on his desk in the office, a lady soldier knocked on the door then entered with a cup of warm coffee in her hands. Petra Ral, a petite girl with such a bright smile. Still, she held one of the best records in killing titans. Being scouted into the special division by Levi proved how talented she was as a soldier.
On top of that, she was also kind and caring.
Petra would often give Levi an extra loaf of bread for dinner. Or a cup of coffee when he was busy with papers. She watched out for him when he was taking a nap under the shadow of a tree on top of a hill. When they practiced, she would tend to his wounds if there was any.
Sometimes when Levi sat on the lean side of the hill, resting his back against the smooth of grass, just observing the white clouds floating in the blue sky, Petra would be there. She would sit next to him, showering the silence with funny stories. As if Petra had always noticed one thing about Levi. As if she had seen through him even when he never talked much.
That Levi was always alone. That loneliness had been gnawing at his heart.
Her smile. Petra’s smile owned the ability to casually melt any ice cave.
She was so warm. And lovely.
Levi didn’t approve the way she tried to approach him. Yet, he never had the courage to turn her away.
It was the afternoon of a public holiday. Levi allowed his squad members to return home for a day. Petra came back to the base with freshly picked apples from her family’s garden, and a warmly baked pie.
Of course, they were all gifts to Levi. He never left the base on any occasion. He just simply had nowhere else to go.
Petra left home earlier than she shall. All because she didn’t want to leave Levi alone on a public holiday night.
Levi opened the door and to his surprise, here she stood with baskets of food hooked on her arms.
Petra removed the hood of her cape to reveal the brightest smile. The smile she would flash for Levi only.
A word shoved up to Levi’s throat, but it never came out. He could have asked why she returned so early. He just chose not to.
They enjoyed dinner together with the festive dishes Petra brought back from home. Candles danced around the table. Just two of them. With delicious food. A casual chat. Yet, Levi found himself gulp in difficulty. There was something, a plump stuck in his throat. A plump of emotion. An emotion he hadn’t felt for a long time. He was reminded of the poorly miserable meals he shared with his mother. They didn’t have much, but they had each other. Just him and his mother.
Everything felt so warm. The wine, the fruits, the meat, the candles. The way stars sparkled in Petra’s eyes. The way she came back early, just for him.
Levi felt it. The plump in his throat now ran down to his heart. Echoing in his mind, the last words his mother left, “Levi, I love you.”
The light from candles smeared all over Petra’s slim face. Galaxies in her eyes and sunshine in her smile.
No, please don’t let it be love.
This precious moment. This fantastic bond he was sharing with Petra. Without any of them saying much, he could feel it.
But he chose not to acknowledge it.
They stargazed on the rooftop together afterwards. Petra inhaled a deep breath of enjoyment. The fresh air of late night woke her up. Shinning stars gazed upon them.
Sheepishly, Petra looked over to Levi with a soft smile.
“You know, heichou, sometimes I wonder if there were parallel universes out there that didn’t have titans. We don’t have to live like this. Live while worrying when it’ll be our turn to be eaten. There could be another timeline too. A time when titans don’t exist anymore. I wonder how our lives would turn out by then? But then again, I just thought to myself. Hey, isn’t it great to live at the same universe and timeline with Captain Levi? He’s awesome. He’s so brave. I always admire you, heichou. I want to be brave like you.”
Levi didn’t move his eyes away from the stars. His expression was unchanged.
No, Petra, Levi admired you. To him, the people who dared to put their hearts out there and give everyone the sincerest love were the bravest of all. Because that was something he could never do. Levi didn’t dare to love or take the risk of being broken again.
He spent most of his life trying to detach himself from everyone else. No feelings, no pain. In a world where you constantly lose someone close to you almost every day, what would guarantee that you wouldn’t get hurt again the next day?
After his mother left him, after Kenny left him, he decided that was enough of pain.
Levi swore to himself that he would never love again.
The 57th Expedition finally started. Danger lied ahead. Seeing dead soldiers was a common part of an expedition. Everyone in the formation knew what they could have faced. But what they didn’t know was that they were backstabbed.
With the arduous urgency in hands, Levi separated from his Special Operations Squad to perform an individual task. He never thought that would be the last time he saw them…
…alive.
Just like how he never thought his mother would leave him so soon. Just like he never thought Kenny would easily walk away from him.
Dear fate, why would you be so cruel? Levi knew that whenever he loved someone, the person would quickly be taken away from him.
This time, he already begged. He begged for it not to be love. And yet, the people he cared for, once again disappeared from his side.
He swiftly swung from tree to tree, with the assistance of the vertical manoeuvring equipment. Lying down there were the members of his special team. All of them, dead. Brutally murdered by the Female Titan. Skimming through the bodies, he finally stopped at Petra’s.
Levi did not have the vocabulary to describe how he was feeling now. Pain. Anger. Remorse. All of them were stirring inside him. Waves of emotions washed through him. Still, his face remained expressionless.
Petra was gone.
Dead.
Once again, he was left behind.
Alone.
Levi slumped in front of Petra’s grave. He didn’t shed a single drop of tear. His head was hung down. And his legs decided that they were suddenly too weak to stand straight.
White petals scattered around. Just Levi in his black suit, sitting in silence.
He missed her smile, her warmth. The way she would casually approach him despite his annoyance. The caring Petra would never leave him alone.
But she did.
Swallowing the bitterness in his throat, Levi whispered.
“I… love you.”