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Dazai is confident in his mental faculties. His plans are never wrong. That’s because he’s always able to perceive a situation and then develop all sorts of explanations ranging from the highest likelihood to the grainiest of impossibility.
The scenario that he’s facing right now is very easy to analyze though. There’s only one possibility.
“Chuuya, today, you’re still such a tiny slug, huh?” He comes in earlier than the bell just so he can swing by the other’s desk without having to be chased out by that quack doctor homeroom teacher. Something about “please reserve your flirting for non-class hours”.
But today’s the day before his birthday, so he’s very certain that this chibi has plans for him! After all, “Now, is today the day that you’re finally confessing to me?” And then he would reject it, of course, and then he’d go home and have a good night’s sleep replaying the way Chuuya’s all flushed as he confesses to him. It’d be the best birthday present ever.
Unfortunately, because Chuuya is really such a tiny slug, even his nervous system matches accordingly. So because he’s so very slow, he only glares at him, and then punches him in the face.
-
Ah, his chibi really is in love with him! There really is no other explanation for giving him this free pass to skip classes. Of course, it also comes with a throbbing nose from one well-positioned punch, but the perks greatly outweigh the cons.
This is probably the chibi’s first gift to him. If it rains later after-class, maybe Chuuya will take the chance to ask him to share an umbrella and then dramatically say something about how two people sharing an umbrella in the rain is a sign of eternal love? And then, he would reject it, of course, and then he’d go home and have a good night’s sleep replaying the way Chuuya looks, misty-eyed, surrounded by all those raindrops, lashes wet and maybe even with shiny lips? It’d be such an embarrassing sight, Chuuya would probably keel over from doing such a thing.
In fact, Dazai already commiserates ahead of time, already feeling secondhand embarrassment from imagining it.
Thankfully, he’s already lying down in the school’s infirmary bed and he’s already holding an ice pack to a bleeding nose, so feeling faint and having a nosebleed don’t cause him further trouble.
-
He makes a grand entrance back to their homeroom in time for lunch. From stealing Chuuya’s bag earlier, he’s seen three bento tiers packed inside. The chibi probably cooked lunch for him!
He usually eats off the other’s bento anyway, but sometimes the chibi would be so inconsiderate and add lemon to his karaage without even asking him? And then sometimes he’d make nothing but vegetable tempura so Dazai’s forced to make do with eating vegetables when all he wants is to eat meat?
But if it’s his birthday tomorrow and the chibi has plans to confess to him today, then he’d definitely be giving him lots of lovely food. Maybe a lot of seafood. With a lot of roe. And because Chuuya likes to yell and bicker even during lunch, he’d probably have bits of rice and roe scattered all over his mouth? And then, it’d be such a shame to let such food go to waste, so he can eat it off his face, maybe?
And then Chuuya would take the chance to confess to him and ask him to eat directly from his mouth? Then he’d uncover the third bento box and it’d be something like a card that says, “please eat me” like the one Alice encounters in Wonderland. Chuuya would then taste like seafood, like the mackerel he likes to call him, so… he’d definitely reject it, but maybe only after he’s eaten everything. And then he’d have a very good night’s sleep replaying just how nice the chibi would taste…
While he’s thinking this, he finally finds Chuuya. Eating at outside, three bento boxes open. He’s surrounded by so much flowers and also so much flies? Why is he eating with Shirase and Yuan? And he’s even feeding a cat? And he’s allowing that cat to lick his face? And then Tachihara drops by and he’s invited himself to sit with them?
…Ah, this is a tactic, huh. Chuuya’s trying to make it seem like he’s definitely not pining for him, so he’s spending some time with organisms worse than slugs.
Fufufu, that’s alright, he’s already deciphered the other’s secret message.
He wants to build up his courage so that he’ll be able to confess later.
That’s fine, that’s fine, he can wait until after-class!
-
Right before lunch period ends, he asks anyway, just in case, “Chuuya, are you confessing to me soon? You only have five minutes left before class starts, you know?”
Chuuya glares at him, and then doesn’t actually punch him. He just smiles at him like he’s promising death, but doesn’t talk, treating him as air.
It’s such a shocking sight that he ends up in the infirmary anyway.
-
Ah, but it’s just proof that his chibi is in love with him! He sent him to the infirmary again! And because the other’s aware of just how boring he finds things, he even changed it up by doing it in a different way.
Ah, he really is so in love with him, it’s embarrassing.
He resolves to record Chuuya’s confession. Stream it real-time? No, what if the chibi stutters for five minutes while blushing so hotly, he can’t let anyone else see something like that. Just record then. And the moment it’s done, he’d send it to the whole school mailing system. To their parents too. Even to that Russian rat who thinks he can be Chuuya’s friend just because he’s got the same hatrack affliction. This way, there can be absolutely no take-backs!
When he slinks back to class though, Chuuya’s already ready to leave.
He claps his hands together and asks, “Where do you want to confess to me? I think the big tree near the gym is a solid 10, the rooftop is a 9.5, and right there on the school’s PA system is a 12 out of 10.”
“Here’s my confession: I think you finally went insane.” Chuuya lets out a long-suffering sigh, before leaving. “Better go home quickly and rest up, or else it might get worse.”
Dazai blinks.
Oh no.
It seems that his assumptions are wrong.
He’s classified Chuuya as a slug, but he’s stupider than that. He should be classified as a single-celled microbe that can only be viewed under a microscope. As such, things such as understanding that he’s head over heels in love with him is too much for him to process. Confessing to him would probably need five more evolutionary upgrades.
But that’s okay.
Dazai is a very nice, understanding person.
-
The following day, there’s a huge banner hanging from end to end of their school building. Shaming all the other banners that have been hanged there to congratulate the top student. In huge red font that evokes the feeling of a heart attack or a massive massacre to the brain, the banner proclaims: “Nakahara Chuuya Loves Dazai Osamu! (FACT)”.
Amidst all the people discovering alternative clapping methods (by palm to forehead), Dazai is immediately greeted by a red-faced Chuuya and gets sent to the infirmary again so he can skip his classes.
It truly is a wonderful birthday present.
-
end