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“It’s over. It’s done! You can leave the human array now!”
It’s unclear who yells those words, but they feel like a dream and no one moves. It takes a long time after the skies clear and the gods begin to sheathe their swords for the message to sink in. Shi Qingxuan is the first to start hobbling around, checking on the array and the surrounding area and confirming for himself that it really is over.
There’s a moment that he falls to his knees from sheer relief and a million thoughts swim in his mind as the uncertainty around him turns to awkward cheer, and then celebration loud enough to rouse both living and dead. The events that follow are a blur. He remembers someone helping him to his feet, and rushing around to check on his friends and help keep order, and by the time he has a moment to find a quiet spot and sit down again hours later, his functioning limbs feel as lifeless as his broken ones and he’s sweated out any tears he’d have wanted to shed. Gentle rain clouds form in the sky, courtesy of the Rain Master, and someone hands him a cup of water and some rations as they pass by.
Shi Qingxuan greedily eats his share, mentally noting to remind his Highness about the promised meat when he returns. He is about to get up to see where he can help next, when he feels a firm hand on his shoulder and then another figure sits down beside him.
Sweat drenched hair, dirtied disheveled armor, and a limp bleeding arm is not a look that agrees with General Pei, and Shi Qingxuan wants to tease him for it, but there’s an uncharacteristic sternness in his eyes that can’t be written off as tiredness. Shi Qingxuan suddenly feels shy. Before, it had been easy get caught up in the moment and slip into their usual teasing. And then things were too busy for any other thoughts.
But thinking on it now, the last time they saw each other was…
“Good work out there,” Shi Qingxuan quickly tries to fill the silence. “Oh, where’d that foul-mouthed sword of yours go? That was the one from that tale, wasn’t it? It doesn’t like you much, does it? We should trade notes—
“You’re alive,” General Pei simply says. “You were here this whole time.”
The forced smile quickly slips from his face. “I was here this whole time.”
“Those injuries. Black Water—
“These injuries are mine,” Shi Qingxuan says firmly. “I didn’t know how to take care of myself. Now I do.”
The words come out harsher than intended, but Shi Qingxuan hopes it gets the message across to Pei Ming. At the mention of He Xuan though, he remembers the Wind Master’s fan tucked safely in his robes and suppresses a shudder.
“Fine. That’s fine. It’ll be fine,” General Pei says hurriedly, more so to himself. To Shi Qingxuan, he raises his voice. “If you were here all this time, why haven’t you tried to contact us? We were searching everywhere for you!”
“Didn’t want to,” Shi Qingxuan admits with a start, then shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters,” General Pei snaps. “What sort of heavenly official would leave a friend in the clutches of a Supreme? We were worried sick.”
Shi Qingxuan considers this for a moment, then frowns. “We’re not friends,” he says. “You don’t even like me.”
“You don’t like me,” General Pei corrects. “And you don’t have to to go to one Noble Jie’s temples or set up a small altar for the Rain Master.”
“Oh. I didn’t realize Lord Rain Master was looking for me too. I’ll apologize to her later.”
“It’s a start,” General Pei says. He doesn’t press for an apology for himself, but Shi Qingxuan mutters a quiet one anyway. He’s had to listen to General Pei lecture him for eight centuries. Before, he could just roll his eyes and hide behind his brother, but now the stern words are a comfort.
There’s no one else who would say them to him anymore.
A light drizzle starts to fall. The cool rainwater feels good on Shi Qingxuan’s skin as he reaches out to try to get a small pool into his hand. As he brings it to his lips, General Pei speaks again.
“About your brother,” He says, and Shi Qingxuan freezes. “We took his body back and gave him a proper funeral. I know you two didn’t part on good terms, and I’m the last person you’d want to hear this from, but your brother only wanted the best for you. Stubborner than an ox, sharper than a sword, as unrelenting as the storms he’d calm, but he loved you more than anything. He feared losing you more than anything else.”
“I know,” Shi Qingxuan says, lowering his hand, and trying to look anywhere else. “I… to the very end… he protected me.” He can’t suppress the shudder this time as his mind is forced back to that place, but he gives himself a sharp pinch on the arm and focuses on the celebratory chatter around them and the cool drizzle on his skin to stay calm. He knows better than anyone how much his brother loved him. No matter how much anger and regret weighs down his heart or how much he wishes things were different, he would never wish for a different brother.
“As you long as you know that,” General Pei says in a low voice. Then without warning, he gives Shi Qingxuan an enthusiastic clap on the shoulder, more in line with how the mood should be. “And now that the serious stuff is out of the way, you don’t need to worry about anything anymore. Once we’re back in the capital—
“What capital?” Shi Qingxuan frowns thinking to the burning wreckage. “And what “we”?”
“The one we’ll have to rebuild, of course,” General Pei remarks, though looks faintly ill at the thought of it. “And I’ve already figured it out. Run an errand for me every now and then and mind your manners, and I’ll let you do as you please for the most part.”
“Why would I run—oh, you mean like a Middle Court official.”
“Of course. You don’t need to be able to ascend to serve in the Middle Court.”
“No thanks.”
“You’ll have to swear loyalty, of course, but—what?”
“I said no. I’m not interested,” Shi Qingxuan says with a serious expression. “I never belonged in the heavens to begin with. I have no right to go back.”
“Compared to you, the number of people who have “no right” to go back at this point are…”
“Ah, that’s probably true too.”
It’s still hard to wrap his head around the events of the past week – or that’s it’s only been a week. The Heavenly Capital’s destruction and the human face disease was all well and good, but learning that the Heavenly Emperor himself was behind not only them, but so much else – including the Reverend of Empty Words’ existence – and then there were Ling Wen’s own crimes, outside of the ones she helped Shi Wudu hide…
No, the real headache was that whatever crimes against human decency Pei Ming had committed, he ended up the most benign of the Three Tumors. Shi Qingxuan didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“Either way, why would you even offer something like this? Don’t you remember who got your Little Pei banished?”
“Ha! While you were here hobbling around with your eyes and ears shut, my Little Pei’s been fearlessly fighting ghosts on Mount Tonglu. With merits like that, he’ll be back in the heavens before you know it,” General Pei scoffs, but his face quickly turns serious again. “Qingxuan, you can’t expect me to leave you here like this. How would I face your brother in the afterlife? No, what would he even say if he saw you in this state?”
“He wouldn’t like it,” Shi Qingxuan agrees. It’s something he thinks about a lot, some days worse than others. “But my answer is still no. I’m…not happy, not yet, but I like it here. I’ve made friends. We look out for each other. I don’t need to be taken care of anymore, and I especially don’t need anyone making choices for me.”
“Qingxuan, you… think of what you’re passing up. Even setting aside food and clean clothes, if you come back, you’ll be able to take on your female form again.”
“I don’t need it,” Shi Qingxuan says. He ignores the pang in his heart, and the ever-present gnawing in his stomach. “Really, I don’t. I’m not going back. Ever.” He pinches himself again to force down the dread. He’s never once thought about returning. He hadn’t expected to get an offer, but even he’s surprised how much he hates the idea.
General Pei has never pushed him on anything in the past, and it seems that his brother no longer being around doesn’t change that.
“I won’t say anymore then,” he says. “But at least come back so we can fix your arm and leg.”
This offer is tempting – Shi Qingxuan has gotten used to the leg, but the limp arm makes things hard sometimes – but again he shakes his head.
“I told you, these wounds have nothing to do with anything that happened. I got these fair and square,” he says. “So, they can heal on their own, fair and square.”
“And how long will that take you, in these conditions? You’ll sooner meet a wretched end.”
Wretched beginning, wretched end.
Shi Qingxuan knows the word choice is accidental on General Pei’s part, but he finds himself laughing at it anyway. First a chuckle, then full on loud guffaws, that would fit the festive mood around them far more than their sharp tones. General Pei only stares in shock.
“General Pei, do you want to know my brother’s last words were?” Shi Qingxuan asks. He doesn’t wait for an answer. “My fate is up to me and not the heavens. Terrible, right? But I want to live by them, in my own way. As a mortal. My fate was cursed to be wretched from the start. Even though my brother changed it, things still came to this. Thank you for the offer, General Pei. Both of them. My brother always said no one else will take care of you in this world. I’m… glad this was something else he was wrong about.”
General Pei sighs, as though he suddenly has a headache. “You two really are brothers. I can’t believe how long it took to finally see that.”
“It's about time!” Shi Qingxuan agrees blithely. “I can take of myself now. And as for whether or not my end is wretched, I’ll be the one to decide that. No one else.”
“Fine, fine, do what you want. Can’t win against anyone these days,” General Pei grumbles, and Shi Qingxuan feels this isn’t really the end of this discussion, but he remembers how long and hard General Pei had been fighting too, and how exhausted he must be feeling.
“I’ll get you something to eat,” Shi Qingxuan offers, and carefully picks himself up. Before he can slip away though, General Pei grabs his wrist.
“Wait,” he says. “Whether you want to come back to the heavens or not is up to you, but I still promised your brother long ago I would look out for you. You can say whatever else you want about me, but I am a man who keeps my word. So, I want you to listen carefully. I’ll keep out of your affairs, but in exchange, if things get bad, and you really need help, you will reach out.”
Shi Qingxuan’s first instinct is to reject the offer again on principle, but then he lowers his head demurely. He really had wanted to leave everything behind him and just live whatever life was left for him, but it had also been him who revealed himself to his Highness when he needed help. And him who hadn’t been shy about tangling himself in all of Heaven’s affairs again.
Even if it is just Old Pei, Shi Qingxuan is touched by his care. Even more so to know his brother really did have a decent friend.
“Alright,” Shi Qingxuan says gently. “If things get really, really bad, and I really, really, really need help –” he stops and flashes General Pei a mischievous grin “–I’ll reach out to Lord Rain Master.”
Then he breaks free, and nimbly limps into the crowd, ignoring General Pei’s indignant yells.