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When the sun rises we’ll be together. That’s what you said. I guess it was my fault for not clarifying which sunrise, I wonder if you would have had an answer for that.
I bury my toes in the sand and lift my head up. I wish I could say I’ve lost count on the days but I haven’t. It’s pathetic really. Both the fact that I know it’s been 173 sunrises and the fact that I’ve watched them all in this exact place, this exact spot, the same one where you left me. 173 sunrises, every time waiting, watching the sun rising too afraid to avert my eyes. Keeping every other sense on high alert. Feeling my neck hair rise up at the closing presence of someone else. Every time breaking apart when it’s all in my head and you’re not there. So I keep staring, eyes fixed on the sun. As long as I do that I can feel you there, behind me, almost touching. As long as I don’t turn my head you’re there. And I’m not broken.
Tears fill my eyes. 174.
“Hey” someone sat beside me. I felt every muscle in my body tense up. I hold my breath, too scared to let it out as if it would somehow make you disappear. I’m paralyzed and can’t turn my head to see you. It’s really you. You finally came, right? The voice was real, the warmth radiating next to me is real. I can feel my heart starting to beat faster, there’s warmth inside me that I haven’t felt since you left. There’s a smile forming on my face, something I thought I had lost.
“You okay?”
Wait. That’s wrong. That voice is wrong. It’s soft, yours was warm and deep, the kind that made you feel like you’d always be safe.
I tore my eyes away from the sun and turned my head towards the person next to me, not really looking at them. You’d think there would be a limit on how many times you can break, you’d think that at some point you would get numb to the pain. Yet the pain shoots through me, tearing my insides open, filling me up with despair, taking away every last bit of hope I just felt. With just one word they made me feel like I could be whole again. With just one word they gave me my life back. Only for it to be shattered into million more pieces. With those three words I got you back only to lose you again. Suddenly I realize I can’t even feel you there anymore. They spoke to me and foolishly I took my eyes off the sun and now you’re gone leaving me to break unable to collect the pieces. Fool. Stupid. Pathetic.
I let the tears fall as I turn my eyes back to the sky. It hurts so much. I don’t know how long I can go on. I needed that person to be you. I want this torture to be over but I can’t let you go. I stare at the sun but no matter how hard I stare I can’t feel you there. This is killing me yet I hope you’re gonna be here tomorrow. Pathetic. My fingers make their way to my left wrist, the only gift, the only thing I have left, the only thing that tells me it wasn’t just a dream, is that wristband. I fiddle the leather strings trying to calm my mind. It was the first thing you gave to me, it was the second time we met. You laughed and rubbed your neck, saying it wasn’t much but you wanted me to remember you. The way I was already melting to your charms, even though I didn’t fully trust you. My heart fluttered when you tied it to my hand and I told you I couldn’t never forget you even if I tried. You laughed saying I had no right being that cute, I apologized and you looked puzzled. Later I found out you had actually made it yourself and I swore I wouldn’t ever take it off. You again said it wasn’t much but to me it was a lot, nobody had ever bothered to make me anything. I made you one little while later, took me a couple months to actually give it to you since I was so afraid you wouldn’t like it. I finally gathered enough courage and gave it to you on your birthday, saying I didn’t want you to forget me either. You kissed my forehead saying you couldn’t even if you tried. It warmed my heart, but thinking back did you say those words because you meant them or just because it was the same thing we had said back then? Guess that’s another thing I will neve know. Somewhere along the road that wristband became my safety, my grounding point. Whenever I felt sad or anxious I’d touch the leather strings and I could feel you there. I could feel the love you gave me, the safety I felt when I was with you and it often helped me soothe myself. That was back when I actually had you, after.. It felt like no matter how hard I clinged to those strings I couldn’t feel the comfort. Slowly I came back from that memory still looking at the sun. I didn’t hear the person leaving but he wasn’t there when I got enough strength to get up and leave, only to wait for yet another night.