Chapter Text
'Oh god, I'm here again'
There's nothing in there. Everything is pitch black, except for a dim light that is shining from afar. Kuroo walks towards the light, expecting the same person to appear. He has been there countless times. Walking through the same pathway, towards the same dim light that is slowly brightening. He'll meet the boy again.
And there he is. Standing in the same dark, narrow room. Looking around, his surroundings slowly showing their appearance. Kuroo couldn't see a thing except for a small closet in front of him. He knew what's awaiting him upon opening the closet. There's a small kid, crying helplessly in front of him. Sobbing is the only thing that kuroo could hear. He could do nothing. Kuroo has been here a few times already but he never could touch the kid, let alone comforting him. He's too fragile, his cries made Kuroo's chest tighten.
' Not this feeling again.' Kuroo knew this feeling well, it is the feeling of guilt.
Suddenly the kid raised his head up, looking through kuroo. His cheeks were red, and so were his eyes. Dried up tears stained his cheeks before he cried again. This is new for Kuroo. Usually this will end with him trying to touch the little kid, but this time, it's different. Kuroo looks at the kid, before looking back, trying to understand what the kid is looking at.
There's nothing there, except for the darkness. But Kuroo could see, even a glimpse of it, he still could see. A pool of crimson red blood. His eyes widen, and look back at the kid, who's now crying loudly.
"W-wake up…. *sobs* M-mommy… w-wake up…. *sobs* Mommy…"
Kuroo jolted up awake. He could hear his own heartbeat, throbbing so fast that almost made him hard to breath, to calm down. Shaking hands covering his face, swapping away the cold sweat from his face. God, he feels like crap.
It’s the same dream again. The same nightmare . An overflowing feeling of guilt filling his chest, stressing him out. Kuroo feels like crying. Crap . He is crying. He knows that he needs to be strong and do his best to redeem his sins. After all, this is all his fault. He deserves to get this punishment, to suffer, since he had made them so.
Kuroo sighs heavily, trying to calm himself down. He can make this. He believes that he can. He can't give up just yet. Not yet. Kuroo reaches the nightstand, searching for his phone. Upon turning it on, a picture of a dirty blond woman with a black haired toddler, smiling brightly as his phone wallpaper welcomes him. Kuroo sighs upon caressing his phone’s screen.
“Just where are you, son? W-why is it hard,... for daddy to find you? Yet you keep on appearing in daddy’s dream, c-crying helplessly like that.”
Kuroo didn't realise that he was actually crying again until teardrops fell onto his phone’s screen. He rubs his eyes, wishing for the tears to stop but instead, he is crying harder. Kuroo brought his knees to his chest, hugging himself and buried his face into his knees. His sobbing echoes throughout his hotel room. It has been 3 weeks since his arrival in this city of London. It has been 3 weeks yet he still couldn't meet his one and only son.
It all starts with Kuroo opening his old email at his office, checking through his inbox after abandoning it for 3 years. There were a bunch of unread emails but what attracted his attention the most was an email from his girlfriend, or maybe ex, but they haven't officially broken up yet.
Kuroo opened the oldest email from her first, which is an update on her first trimester of pregnancy. Yes, Kuroo impregnated his girlfriend during his doctorate studies in London. Kuroo still couldn't believe why he abandoned his girlfriend after knowing that she is pregnant with his child. He was scared, not ready and angry. Angry at his girlfriend’s foolishness for not agreeing with the abortion.
Thus, it led to him leaving her without notice. Besides, he knew the news after a week returned to Japan. Kuroo believed that she will realised how much Kuroo don't want to take the responsibility for the child and hence will make her agree with the abortion. Kuroo had his own dream to achieve, and so did her. Kuroo believed that having a child to take care of is not a good thing for both of them. That was what he believed for the past 2 years and a half.
However, his mindset changed upon opening the email from her. She didn't abandon the child, unlike him. She was sure stubborn, and not just stubborn, but loyal too. She kept on updating Kuroo about her pregnancy, despite not receiving any response from Kuroo.
“My morning sickness was hell. But I’m hanging there.”
“It stresses me out how much my hair loss during the pregnancy. But it will eventually grow back.”
“I did my ultrasound today! The doctor said that our baby is healthy. Look! Don't you think he’s cute?”
Kuroo clenched his fist. How can he be so cruel towards her? How did he have the heart to leave her? Knowing her, Kuroo knew how stubborn she was. But he did not expect her to stay with her decision. Kuroo kept on reading, looking at all the pictures that she attached.
“She emailed me as if it is her diary.” Kuroo’s comment stopped upon reading the following emails.
“I knew that this was my decision to begin with. But, Kuroo, this is hard.”
“I know this is foolish. Keep on spamming you without receiving a single reply from you… I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
Kuroo’s chest tightened. He could feel his heartbeat beating fast. He knew her well. She’s the type that would not let others see her burden. She’s the type who will hide her feelings, bootle up until it stresses her out. Kuroo took a deep breath, and kept on scrolling. Looking for the next email from her. Kuroo noticed that there is a two months long gap to her next email. Kuroo clicked it open and read it. Kuroo gasped. He did not expect this.
“I had a bad construction last 2 months and my water broke. But you don't need to worry! I was lucky to be at my workplace so my colleagues helped me to get to the hospital.
Kuroo, I gave birth to our son. Yup, he was born premature, at my 24th weeks of pregnancy. I was placed in intensive care for 2 weeks before I got to see him. Here, I attached his picture.”
Kuroo clicked at the picture attached. It displayed a kind of machine that has a lot of wires connected to it. Inside, laid a baby with wires covering his small frame. The poor baby was so red, to the point Kuroo couldn't believe that it was actually a living person. Whoever the photographer was, they were surely good at it. Even from the picture itself, Kuroo could see how struggle the baby is to breath. Not just that, it was painful, even for him, who decided to leave them before. Kuroo took ample time to recover from his sadness and anger before rubbing his eyes and continued to read.
“I wasn't prepared when I saw him. I was imagining scenes in my head yet I didn't expect to be so lost. I couldn't get closer to him, let alone touch him. The doctor said that he has a few complications and will continue to have more. But seeing how strong our baby is surviving to live, I will be strong for him. Until your return, I will be there for him.”
That's it. His tears broke again. He was crying to the point that he forgot to breath. Kuroo clenched his shirt on his left side, where the throbbing heartbeat came from. It hurt him so bad. Kuroo rubbed his eyes to read the sentence again but tears kept on flowing, making his sight blurry.
“ U-until my return? S-she took two months… two months to recover and build her strength back a-and still have faith in m- me ?”
Again, Kuroo was too immersed into hating himself and crying to the point that he forgot to breathe. He was almost hyperventilating but he was lucky, because his office mate, Yaku entered their office and noticed him.
“Today’s lecture was hell. Kuroo, you wont believe me-” Yaku gasped upon seeing Kuroo behind his desk, crying and clenching his shirt like his life depends on it.
“Shit! Kuroo! Breath.” Yaku ran towards Kuroo and held both of his shoulders, shaking and slapping Kuroo’s face to knock some sense into him. Kuroo was brought to reality, thanks to Yaku. However, Kuroo was still crying. After feeling like hours, Kuroo finally calmed down and excused himself to go home without explaining anything to his friend.
Upon reaching his home, Kuroo laid onto his bed and continued to read his emails through his laptop. He had no time for dinner nor bath. His two angels were his priority. Kuroo opened the next email from her, and then another. He read them as they were his bedtime stories.
“I named him Kenma, it starts with the same letter as yours!”
“Kenma had difficulties breathing on his own so the doctor said that he can't go home just yet.”
“Can you believe how sweet his smile is? Look! He's freaking adorable!!”
“After 4 months, finally Kenma is allowed to go home today! I’m so happy to bring him home!”
“Kenma is so shy around people so I decided to extend my maternity leave.”
“Look! Kenma finally can turn his body on his own!”
“I think I'm obsessed with my own son. He’s so lovely!”
“Kuroo! Can you see? Kenma is starting to walk!”
“Kenma is 1 year old today! We celebrated with just two of us since Kenma is still shy with my friends.”
“I took Kenma to my workplace today. Kenma was shy at first but when we were about to leave, he waved a good bye to the old folks! New achievement for Kenma!!”
Kuroo smiled before sobbing with tears. His son is so adorable, so precious and lovely. He looks just like his mother. Kuroo took a heavy inhale before clenching his chest again. He can't forgive himself for leaving them. He can't forgive himself for not being there, together with her, raising their son. Kuroo never hated himself this badly before. Kuroo reached the last and latest email from her. She stopped sending him emails on updates for their son. Just like how he left her, that was what happened to him now.