Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I don't remember dying.

My brain must have blocked out the last few hours of my execution, since it was so traumatic. Why was it so long...? Why were so many hours spent in pain...?

I don't remember waking up, either. I just sort of... appeared here, my senses blurred and numb. It's weirdly nice. No pain, no trauma, no suffocation. Just numbness.

"Kaede Akamatsu?" Something pierces through the veil, a voice. I don't remember how to talk.

"She's unresponsive still, Doctor." Another voice. Sight graces my eyes. My eyelids must have opened. There's a gasp. Two blurry figures hover in my line of sight, but I'm unable to distinguish any features.

"Decrease morphine levels by 30%, in 5% increments over the course of 4 hours. Be back then." The figure disappears from my view.

Time passes, and my vision slowly starts to focus. Pain registers on my neck. It's dull, but it makes me wish for the numbness again. I want to beg who I can now see is a nurse to increase whatever the doctor had said- morphine? Yes, morphine, but when I move my lips nothing comes out.

"Oh, please don't try to talk." He says, patting down the sheets anxiously.

"You suffered from vocal cord damage. If you're able to move your hands I can give you some paper and a pen?" I try to move my hands- they're twitchy and almost uncontrollable, but I can.

The nurse moves my bed into a sitting position and hands me the pen and pad of paper, explaining what he's doing as he's doing it. The dull pain in my back sharpens once I'm sitting up. I quickly scribble in messy, jagged handwriting- "More morphine."

"I can't, Doctor Takahashi's orders." White hot rage consumes me. I need it. I need it. My hands are around his throat. He's choking and sputtering. My arms feel heavy and tied down, but I just focus on squeezing as hard as I can. He hits a button, and I feel the numbness return to my body.

My vision goes dark again.

I fade back into consciousness, but this time I feel cold metal on my wrists.

"Hello Akamatsu-San, are you feeling alright?" It's Dr.Takahashi, if I remember correctly. I stare at her with wide eyes, scowling as hard as I can. The numbness is decreasing, I can feel it.

"I'll take off your restraints, but I will let you know if you attack me I won't give you more morphine." Damn. There goes my plan.

"Okay?" I nod. It hurts.

She undoes the constraints and hands me the paper and pen. I scribble something down- "Where am I?"

"You're in the University of Tokyo Hospital." Back in Japan?

"Shouldn't I be dead? I died." Dr.Takahashi smiles nervously.

"It's a long story. Are you sure you're feeling alright?" I nod.

She explains to me what happened.

The killing game I had been forced to participate in with my classmates wasn't real- it was a test conducted by The Steering Committee of Hope's Peak Academy. The death, the killing, it was all fake. My classmates and I had voluntarily chosen to be apart of the simulation after being guaranteed one thing.

After the simulation, we would be accepted into Hope's Peak Academy.

Confusion clouds my brain in a hazy cloud. It was fake... I'm alive...

"Kill me." I gasp out, tears coming to me eyes.

"Sorry?"

"Kill me!" I cry out, leaning forward and slumping into a ball.

"I don't deserve to live! I should be dead! I killed Rantaro, I'm a murderer!" I sob into my arms, which seem so pale and weak compared to how they were in the game- or the simulation I suppose.

"Akamatsu-San, it was a simulation, remember? Amami-San is quite alive and doing well, I promise you."

"I betrayed them! I betrayed them all!" My head feels like it's full of cotton. There's a scalpel on the small table by my bed. Before Dr.Takahashi can react, I plunge it as hard as I can into my chest. It doesn't go far, but I can tell it does some damage.

"Shit! Self-imposed laceration in room 007, increase morphine..." NO! No... oh god, just please let me die...

And everything goes dark again.

I wake up somewhere new. My head and chest are throbbing, and I feel exhausted even though I haven't moved in what feels like years. Cold metal burns against my wrists, and I know I'm tied down again.

People come and go in this new place. They ask me questions, which I don't answer. The pen and paper pad lay unused at my fingertips. They ask me if I'm okay. They ask me if I can speak. They ask my why I tried to kill myself. I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling, which has blue fish painted on it. I like fish. Fish can die anytime they like. But nobody lets me die.

One day somebody new comes in. I can tell by their footsteps, but I don't look to see who it is.

"Kaede." No honorifics?

"You idiot. Are you just gonna lay here for the rest of time?" I let my eyes move the tiniest bit to see who it is.

Long dark hair, not in pigtails anymore, but instead hanging in a thick sheet. Hospital gown. IV bag connected to a much weaker arm than I remember. Red, glaring eyes. I blink away tears.

"Not gonna say anything?" She looks away. I don't have the strength to move my head, but I'm already stuck sitting up so I can see her well enough.

I shakily reach over to the pad and pen and write "Maki?"

"Yep, that's me."

"What are you doing?"

She sighs. "The doctors told me you were having, um, violent reactions since your brain has been traumatized or something like that. I was the only one not really connected to any of the events that happened. Well at least the only one fit enough to come I guess."

"Did you die?" I scribble. It takes her a second to read. My handwriting is atrocious.

"No. Me, Shuichi, and Himiko lived." As soon as she finishes her sentence her eyes widen.

"Crap, uh forget what I just said." Shuichi.

His hand reaching towards mine... his screaming as the noose tightens around my neck... My hands go straight to my throat, trying to rip off the rope. The piano is so loud it bursts my eardrums.

"HELP!! HELP!!" I scream. The doctors rush in and take Maki away, turning up my morphine again. I see a glimpse of her sad eyes as she goes.

More nothingness. More numbness. Finally, I'm back in the land where I can float around in the void for eternity.

But then it stops. Not slowly like before, but an abrupt stop that yanks me back into reality. My neck is painfully aching for relief, like someone is squeezing the life out of me, barely letting room for me to breathe. The small tube on my nose is pumping in air, but I long to feel relief in my throat.

Dr.Takahashi is standing at my bed with a clipboard.

"Time for some tough love Akamatsu-San. You have to put in a little effort to the therapists and psychologists coming in, or you don't get any relief." Something pops into my head, a nagging thought that had been lying dormant with the drugs. I write it down.

"The injuries? Well, since your brain thought they were real, it sent your body signals that it was getting hurt and sent pain receptors there. For the back and stomach injuries at least. As for your throat..." She trails off. I scowl at her.

"I'm not really supposed to tell you this, but..." She looks me up and down.

"Some patients, including yourself, had physical reactions to the events in the killing game, and reacted accordingly. It happened to a few others as well, but as for you you reached towards your throat and harmed it, while still unconscious. The sedatives given to you were fucking..." She clears her throat. I smile a little.

"They sucked. Goddamn Hope's Peak." She takes a second to breathe.

"I'm going to send in a psychologist now, if you promise to speak or write something, anything to them I will give you a small morphine dosage. Deal?" I give a weak thumbs up.

Over the next few weeks I have to write a lot. My hand cramps, but the morphine dulls everything- my throat and emotions included. A tablet is given to me to type, but something about my fingers moving across the keys triggers a flashback to my execution. I stick to writing.

I answer questions about the game- who were my friends? Everyone. I loved them all. What was your motive for killing Rantaro? I didn't mean to kill him. I meant to kill the mastermind...

A frequent question that comes up is "Why do you want to die?" and "Why didn't you use Monokuma's motive and survive with your classmates?" I answered simply.

"I deserve it. I made a mistake and betrayed everyone." They reassure me that it's not my fault, that I don't deserve death, it was the Hope's Peak committee's script and not mine. I know they're right, but my brain still is trying to convince me they're lying.

When I'm strong enough to walk again, I spend hours wandering the hospital. I have a tracker on my wrist, a clunky silver bracelet that tracks my location and vitals so that if I try and off myself the doctors and nurses will stop me.

Today I am in a closet. I'm wrapped up in hospital gowns, but I'm still cold. The dumb nasal cannula on my nose pumps in freezing air, you'd think it'd be straight from the arctic.

Someone walks in. Thinking it's a nurse, I inch my way to the back of the closet and scrunch into a ball. I don't want to leave yet.

Instead, it's a boy. Kokichi Ouma. My friend.

“Woah.” He gasps, looking me up and down. I frown. He doesn’t look too good himself. He’s dangerously small, like he might break if I touch him. He has a morphine drip like me, but he’s also in a wheelchair.

“Yeah yeah spare me your thoughts.” It’s like he can read my mind. I start to slump into a fetal position. This is too much. He unclips the morphine drip and dangles it in front of me.

“Heard from a nurse you’re dependent. If you talk to me I’ll let you get mine.” I perk up. He definitely needs the morphine more than me, but my dosage is so low I don’t care. Snatching it from his hand, I put it in my forearm. Sweet relief will come soon and I exhale in anticipation.

Kokichi scoots his wheelchair in and shakily steps out of it. I raise my eyebrows.

“I’m not paralyzed.” He winces. “Can’t walk more than a couple steps, though.” He collapses across from me, leaning into the dusty closet wall. I hand him a couple extra hospital gowns, which he snuggles into.

“Ahhh. Nice hideout space.” I nod in an entranced state. His and my combined dosage is so high, I can barely keep my eyes open. It feels amazing.

“You said you would taaaalk.” He sings, twirling a bit of hair around his finger.

I point to my throat, which is covered up by a bandage. I was in a neck brace until a few days ago. He giggles.

“I asked your nurse and found out you can speak, and scream, but you haven’t in a while. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” His voice is energetic, but his eyes are tired and dead. Fine. I take a deep breath, ready to talk, but nothing comes out. I haven’t used my voice since Maki, and since I choked myself it had created additional damage.

“Ahhuhhh.” I say. It’s a mix between a groan and a sigh. He laughs, and my body does like a silent shake kind of thing. The amount of the opioid in my body is making me loopy. I’m just glad my vital tracker isn’t keeping tabs on my morphine levels.

“Try again!!” He says excitedly.

“Hhhnnnggg” We burst into our laughter-shaking combo for a few minutes. It feels good to be happy, or at least amused for a little bit.

Since it’s apparent I won’t be talking for a little while, Kokichi does instead. I’m in an opioid dreamland, while he just rambles on about this and that. The hospital food. The drama with the nurses and doctors. The different treatments he has to go to.

After a few days of this, he starts dipping into different topics, darker ones. The killing game. The other’s executions. He tells me the events of the games, and under the drugs I don’t get flashbacks when he mentions Shuichi. He recalls his death, how scared he was. How guilty he felt about Gonta, Miu, Shuichi... The list went on. He looks tired. A part of me thinks that maybe he’s just as suicidal as I am.

In speech therapy I do vocal exercises, and eventually speak simple sentences. I don’t talk outside of speech therapy, though. Every time I do it reminds me of my own screaming.

One day we meet in the closet, and after I’m hooked up to his drip, I surprise him.

“Kokichi.” I say. My voice is weak and hoarse, but it’s there. He looks up in surprise.

“Whaaat! DUDE! Nice.” We high five.

“Kokichi.” He tilts his head.

“How do you deal with the guilt?” I whisper. His eyes flicker.

“Guilt? I don’t feel guilty about anything.” If I didn’t know better, I would’ve believed him. However he told me right in this very room how awful he felt manipulating Gonta to kill Miu, and how he felt betraying Shuichi, and worst of all how he felt about his whole ordeal with Kaito and Maki. Maybe now that I’m not just a drug-addled space case he can rant to, he’s scared to talk.

“Please.” My voice cracks. He looks away.

“I don’t. I just let it sit in my mind like a stupid boulder. I want to talk to everyone, to Gonta, Miu, Shuichi, Maki, Kaito, Kirumi… But I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

“You talked to me.”

“You’re different. You’re just a junkie” He laughs. He’s joking, but it strikes a nerve in me. I yank out the drip and storm out of the closet.

“Kaede, I’m sorry! That wasn’t true.” He sounds sincere.

“No. I’m not a junkie.” I whisper, but it sounds untrue even as I say it. My back is towards him, and I can see my reflection in the window overlooking the roof. Snarled blonde hair down to my waist. Pale skin. Eyebags etched into my face. I’m wearing a grey hoodie over my hospital gown, and I know just under the sleeves is pockmarked skin from clipping and unclipping the morphine needles without Takahashi’s permission.

“That’s all I am.” I cry. Hot tears are pouring down my face uncontrollably. I don’t even know who I am. Kaede Akamatsu is my name. Kokichi calls me junkie. I called myself the protagonist.

Who am I?

Chapter Text

We sit like that for a while, with the sounds of my uncontrollable sobbing bouncing against the window pane and echoing into my own ears. Kokichi stands awkwardly at my shoulder, unknowing what course of action to take. He’s not used to seeing me make sound, I think. The Kaede who was drugged out in the closet isn’t the same one who he watches have a breakdown.

“Go ahead and cry cry cry…” Kokichi sings quietly. My breath catches in my throat, in between a sob and a laugh.

“What…?” He wheels up next to me and crawls onto the ground next to me.

“The Neighborhood.” He gestures, as if that explains it.

“I know-” I wipe my wet face with the sleeve of my hoodie, trying to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks-”I know the song, but what?”

“Kaede, I’m the cool kid who doesn’t know how emotions work.” I snort so loudly Kokichi breaks and bursts into laughter. It’s weird, it’s hysterical, it’s gross, and I can’t stop.

“You are NOT the cool kid.” I choke out, pushing Kokichi lightly to the side.

“I SO am.” We sit like that for a while, crying and laughing and just feeling. It’s nice.

That night I’m staring up at my ceiling with the fish on it. They’re eerie in the nighttime. When it’s light out, their little eyes look like polka dots on a slice of grapefruit. In the darkness it looks like mini black holes in a sea of blood. The inkwell test should really use these fish, I’d say they’re pretty telling.

I flip over on my bed, away from the fish, and try to stifle my thoughts with the paper thinness of the sheets. After what seems like hours of flipping back and forth in the stifling heat of the room, my thoughts fade into darkness.

I’m in a room with dark green walls. A golden pothos plant is placed in the corner of the room, and the tendrils of leaves are crawling towards me at an alarming rate. I stand in the corner and try to evade them, but they finally grab onto my hands and wrap around my wrists over and over and over again until my hands turn purple.

I’m phased through the wall, the pink insulation stabbing into the pores of my face with precision. The wall ends with one last painful pull, and I’m seated at a piano.

“You love this.” The vines say. I can’t tell if they’re taunting or reminding me. My hands fight against the plant to reach my neck, attempting to pull away the cold metal I know is clamped around it.

“You killed me.” The ivory keys of the piano strike my hands with rigor, the notes sounding warped and unfamiliar.

“No…”

“You killed yourself.”

I wake up covered in sweat, with my sheets wrapped tightly around my neck and arms. I untangle myself from the fabric and throw it onto the floor. They land on the floor like a milky white puddle.

“Fuck.” I kneel on the floor, the cold tile seeping into the sweatiness of my legs.

This room’s too much, so I open my door cautiously. There’s a person sitting outside my room in case I do anything dumb, but they’re fast asleep, phone still cradled in front of them. Tiptoeing as quietly as I can, I cross the hallway and go towards the stairwell.

When I get to the roof, the freezing cold air hits me like an electric shock. It’s the end of September, so I’m not surprised at the coolness of the air.

In the dim moonlight I can see a figure sitting on the edge of the building, holding a cigarette with the tip lit up like a red star.

Moderate anxiety courses through me. I wipe my hands on my hoodie, trying to conceal my sweat and approach the figure.

They look up when I approach, and it’s light enough to where I can distinguish their features.

“Tsumugi?” I ask, squinting. Her glasses glare white in the reflection of Tokyo below us. She jumps slightly, facing me.

“Who…” Her face squishes up in concentration.

“Oh, Kaede. Hey.” She doesn’t smile, only takes a drag from her cigarette. I sit down a good distance away from her. She looks a bit stunned, and I have a feeling my expression mirrors her’s.

“Your hair,” I gesture into the awkwardness, “It looks nice.” Her blue hair is messy and wavy, cut just above her shoulders. Her black roots are coming in, but it honestly looks kinda cool, like the whenever you’re swimming deep into the ocean and you get to the point where the water is completely dark.

“Thanks.” She smiles wanly.

Tsumugi is looking down at the streets below. I follow her line of sight. The streets are alive, even though it must be 3 in the morning. There’s a particularly loud couple walking past the hospital, their voices carrying up all the way to us. I notice she’s not quite looking at the street, but as if she’s looking at something in the air.

“See that mesh stuff?” She points. I squint and follow her finger, seeing black lines criss-crossing into a sort of net contraption.

“Yeah.” It’s hard to see in the dark, but I can definitely make it out.

“It’s so if someone jumps, they’ll get caught in it.” I pause.

“Is that why you’re up here?” She hesitates.

“I don’t know.” The girl faces me, and our eyes meet for the first time since the game. I think this is the first time I’ve looked into someone’s eyes since then at all. The cerulean contacts she wore are gone, replaced by dark brown irises. It’s a bit eerie. She looks like a different girl than the girl who ranted about cosplay and anime to me while we ate breakfast together. She looks different than the girl who sobbed the whole time during my execution.

“Is that why you’re here?” Tsumugi spins the question onto me.

“I don’t know either.”

I don’t know what happened after I died, I only know about how Kokichi and Kaito made the plan to try and stop the killing game, but I have no clue what happened to her. It must be bad enough that she’s up here with me.

“I wonder how strong that net is,” I speculate, half joking. Tsumugi lets out a breathy laugh.

“You wanna test it?”

Yes. Yes I do. I still don’t know if I want to die or not, but my curiosity is overpoweringly strong. I don’t say any of this, but I figure we’re thinking the same thing.

Tsumugi holds out her hand to me. I hesitantly take it. Her hand is just as shaky as mine.

“Want to say goodbye to our miserably murderous existence?” She jokes. My heart catches in my throat, unable to speak. Is she really suggesting we jump into the net?

“Okay.” Anxiety rises in my throat, but I push it down and replace it with anticipation. Tsumugi falls forward, pulling me down with her. I scream for a split second as the falling sensation hits me. The cold air blows straight through my bones.
The fraction of a second we are falling turns my stomach upside down, disorienting me. We land in the net together, our hands still clenching together like the snakes on Hermes’ caduceus. The black net’s ropes are thicker than I expected, cutting into my skin with an uncomfortable sharpness.

I burst out into laughter, my lungs barely registering that there is, in fact, enough air to breath. She laughs with me, a sick sort of sound to hear when one is caught in a suicide prevention net, but calming nontheless. I see a small white camera at the top of the net, but the red light is off.

We laugh for a solid couple of minutes until my lungs start screaming for air and I have to resort in a breathy giggle.

“Tsumugi,” I pause, “How did we get here?” Our hands are still gripped together.

“We volunteered to go into a simulated killing game so we could get into Hope’s Peak.” She states plainly.

“I know, but how did we get HERE.”

“We jumped together.” I laugh at her simplicity.

“Never mind.” My leg is jumping up and down, lightly shaking the whole net. I can’t really control it though, so we sit in the suicide net with our backs to the building, swinging back and forth like a porch swing.

“Why didn’t you take the chance to get out scot-free after killing Rantaro?” She asks suddenly. I glance over to her, but she’s not looking at me. We’re still gripping hands like a lifeline. Now this is something I know the answer to, and I haven’t told anyone my thoughts on it yet.

“I killed- er, in the simulation I killed him. I murdered someone, and he wasn’t even the mastermind.” I pause as Tsumugi’s hand grips on tighter to mine. It’s getting painful at this point.

“I killed someone. I didn’t deserve to leave.” Her hand is like a noose at this point.

“That- that kinda hurts Tsumugi.” My thoughts of her being completely different is reaffirmed as she looks me in the eyes, again, a deadly expression I can’t quite read. She pulls her hand away.

“You are a freaking idiot.” She deadpans, and I can’t help but fight back a smile.

“Did you just say… freaking?” I can’t quite tell in the dim light, but I swear Tsumugi looks embarrassed. She looks away and fidgets with her sweatpants.

“I may be pissed at you, but I’m polite enough not to swear.” Her hand finally releases from mine, but instead of feeling relief from the pain, I feel shaky and not as secure as I did. Part of me wants to reach over and grab her slightly sweaty hand with chipped black nail polish on them.

“You’re mad at me?” I say, confused. I killed Rantaro, not her.

She doesn’t say anything. She still isn’t looking at me.

I suspect if I prodded her for an explanation, I would be hit with more silence. Her anger towards me felt juvenile after she refused to swear, but the darkness behind her eyes I had seen is anything but.

Light is starting to peek from behind the skyline, washing everything with a sickly grey cover. The concrete wall behind me is hurting my back, so I shift slightly, but the entire net moves as I do. I lose my balance and end up on my side, my face turned down to the ground. Nausea rises in me. I’m missing the stability of Tsumugi’s hand, so I grab it.

She doesn’t pull away, only grips onto me hard. I have a feeling she needed it too, so we lay like that until someone finally checks the cameras and retrieves us using a crane.

When I’m asked why I was laying down on the suicide net holding hands with Tsumugi Shirogane, I don’t answer. My therapist, Ms.Han, is nice enough not to press. Although, when she asks me my daily suicidal ideation questions and I shrug, she writes more than she usually does.

I’m on close watch for a week, where I spend the time watching dumb drama TV shows and wondering about Tsumugi and Kokichi. I kinda miss Kokichi’s closet rants and his dumb jokes. And ever since that night with Tsumugi, I can’t help but miss her mysteriousness. I miss that, and the bubbly girl I used to be friends with.

Not to mention since I’m closed off from everyone, including Kokichi, the morphine cravings are hitting me like a gun. My entire body is sweaty constantly, and no matter how much I reposition myself, I feel like I’m in a bath of hot oil. The only relief comes from lying face down on the floor, but then my ADHD kicks in and I have to move.

On day seven, my withdrawals are getting worse and worse, my entire body shaking like a leaf. My week of suicide watch is over anyways, I might as well get out.

I go over to Kokichi’s room. It’s late at night so he’s fast asleep, the morphine pump plugged into his twisted and bruised leg. It looks painful from my angle. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him.

What the hell are you doing Kaede? You can’t just take precious pain medication from someone who actually needs it because you’re attached to the feeling it brings. Even as I think about it, I’m unclipping the needle from his leg and put it into the vein in my arm. I sit in the chair next to him.

After a little while, when I’m deep in the greys and yellows of dreamland, Kokichi stirs awake. I’m too high to move, but he doesn’t make a move towards me.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers after a while of us staring at each other. The fever that had been echoing deep into my head is gone now, replaced with calmness.

“You were lonely.” I exhale. My voice sounds disconnected from my body.

He carefully pulls the needle out my arm and reattaches itself to him. I resist the urge to grab his hand and put it back. I leave his room and walk around the halls in a dazed state, fiddling with my vitals bracelet until a nurse stops me and takes me back to my room.

Chapter Text

A week and a half passes. The nurses say we’re going to Hope’s Peak soon, but they make no further action than their words.

Stuck in the hospital where every corridor and every door looks exactly the same, I wander a lot. I go to the roof, where Tsumugi smokes and I take opioids I steal and we don’t talk. It’s a kind of ritual, where we don’t trust each other but are lonely enough to keep coming back.

In the meantime while my mental health is slowly getting better and the killing game is fading into the weeks behind us, I keep running towards the pain medicine. After that night with Kokichi, I don’t take it from him. I go to the trash cans and search for pill bottles that aren’t quite done yet. I slip and fall on purpose down the stairs so my ankle is throbbing. I’m not addicted or anything like that, but my throat hurts so fucking bad sometimes, I just can’t help it.

Apparent from the bags under my eyes, I believe Tsumugi thinks I’m just tired and not on something.

After a week of our hesitant companionship, Tsumugi says something.

“I miss going to cons.” I’m barely sober enough to comprehend words, but I lean back and look at her.

“Likeeee… anime cons?” My neck is really itchy for some reason.

“Yeah. Remember how I told you about that…” She starts to relive a memory, but trails off.

“I know it’s weird right now,” I’m able to string together, “But we can just act like the game never happened.” She looks at me.

“I don’t think we can.” There’s an awkward silence from her.

“But…” She continues.

“I was going to say remember when I told you about that con I went to where I accidentally broke a kid’s nose with a scepter I had as a prop?” I snort.

“Yeah! I do remember you telling me that.”

“It was funny because I was cosplaying Palutena, who’s supposed to be the Goddess of Light, and next I know this kid is crying on the ground with blood coming from his nose-” The bluette rambles on for a solid minute, deeply engrossed in her narrative.

I almost want to cry when I see the honey-golden light emit from her voice, her smile slowly dripping back onto her face as she rants about something she likes. It’s like seeing Tsumugi, the REAL Tsumugi again. I missed her.

She starts to fade away again, and I grab her shoulders on impulse.

“What?” The cold front that had become her norm since we were woken has returned.

“Nothing, sorry.” I return back to my spot on the edge of the building, silently wishing that old her would come back.

She talks more after that, and I start to join her.

A thin blanket of friendship sits beneath us, so thin I can still feel the rope from the suicide prevention net cutting into my thighs.

“I’m seriously craving grape soda right now.” I complain one night, where the sky is like a void from the light pollution of Tokyo.

It’s too overwhelming to look at, so I’m laying on my side, staring at Tsumugi’s hair. The way it’s dyed with several different shades of blue is mesmerising, and the more I look at it the more I want to compare it to an ocean.

“Grape soda?” Tsumugi asks. She’s staring up at the void of the sky, laying down next to me. Her glasses lay discarded at her side.

“Mhm. I would always have it at performances because it would give me a sugar rush.” I smile, remembering the sweet taste on my lips as I would fill the room with grinning faces.

“I would always drink plain black coffee at cons for the same reason.” Tsumugi laughs. She reaches her hands up to the sky in a stretch.

“Just plain black coffee?”

“Yep, it matches me.” It’s something I know she says often enough, but it still makes me sad whenever she says that.

“You’re not plain.” She doesn’t say anything.

Tsumugi puts her hands down, and one brushes my shirt on the way down. Her black nail polish has been completely chipped off.

I wish she was the one to paint my nails all those weeks ago.

The next day I’m in a fitful sleep when someone knocks on the door.

I stumble out of bed, my body feeling a thousand pounds. Untangling myself from the sheets takes a hot minute, but when I open the door, Maki is standing there. I haven’t seen her in a while.

“Are you going to group therapy?” She asks, inviting herself in and sitting on my bed. I sit next to her, tugging at the sheets.

“I don’t think I have a choice.” She nods. I notice she is missing her infinity hair clip.

“Where’s your hairclip?” Her face reddens, and she looks at her hands.

“Kaito has it.” She says simply. I fight a smile and give her a knowing look.

“Ready to go?” I nod.

“Can I ask you something?” We’re walking towards the tiled group room I’ve looked in but never stepped foot in. They intend us to all make up with each other and then ship us all back to Hope’s Peak.

“You just did.” Maki is even more passive aggressive than I remember. How is she the ultimate babysitter…?

“Ha ha. I wanted to ask... what Tsumugi did in the games.” She freezes midstep.

“Do you want to fucking die?” She growls, grabbing my collar. I cringe at the sudden touch, and the anxiety that spikes makes me wish I was high again.

“What-what??” I panic, grabbing her wrists as my face pales. Her crimson eyes narrow, deep seated anger not quite directed at me.

“It wasn’t a fucking game. It was a hellscape.”

“I-I know, but-”

“We were different people there. It doesn’t matter now.” I’m surprised by Maki’s sentiment. I had heard the same from my treatment team, I wasn’t expecting anyone, especially Maki, to embody it. She reluctantly puts me down onto the cold tile that seeps through my grippy socks.

I wonder if she truly does believe it, or if she just wants me to. I hope it’s the former. I can’t imagine the cold girl trying to make only me happy.

We step into the group room together. It’s a strange sight, seeing my friends who I haven’t seen in a month gathered into a circle. It’s tense, and awkward, and the air feels like it’s weighed down. I feel frozen at my spot at the door.

The group room is sunny, with glass stained windows letting in the mid afternoon light. There are sixteen red chairs arranged into a circle, and 15 of them are filled. I do a quick tally and realize Kokichi is missing. The guilt about the last time I saw Kokichi reawakens, and I feel my palms get sweaty again.

There’s an area in the room that doesn’t seem to be affected by the uncomfortable atmosphere. Keebo and Rantaro are messing around in the far left corner. Rantaro is trying to balance a marker on the tip of his nose, and Keebo is trying to blow it off at the same time.

It’s so random and disruptive of the mood of the room, I can’t help but laugh. Rantaro and I lock eyes, and he gives me a small smile. No ill-will in his pale green eyes, only a calm happiness. I apprehensively smile back.

“Rantaro…” I start, sitting in the chair on the other side of him.

“I am so, so-” Before I can finish, he interrupts.

“You don’t need to be.” I want to object, but instead I just give a small smile. If he wants to forgive, I’ll let him.

Then all I can see is the pink blood soaking through his hair, so I have to look away.

Tsumugi is sitting next to me on my left, her eyes wide open and staring at her grippy socks. She’s wearing her blue contacts again, and I find myself missing the realness of her brown ones. Her hands are clenching so tight together they’re white.

I put one of my hands on top of her’s. She sits there, unmoving for a second. She’s scared. I’m scared.

She quickly clasps hands with me, and we’re scooted together close enough that my oversized hoodie hides the fact we’re clutching onto each other for comfort.

Directly across from me is Maki sitting next to Kaito. Kaito’s wearing her hair clip. It’s adorable.

I look at each person in the room. Angie and Tenko are whispering quietly together. Shuichi is bouncing his leg and frantically looking around the room. He meets eyes with me. I wave with my free hand and give him a small smile. Now when I see Shuichi, I don’t think of my death, I think of the painfully shy boy who was my friend. He smiles and waves back.

Himiko is asleep, slumped over on her chair with her head on Tenko’s lap. Miu and Gonta are deep in conversation. Ryoma is slumped over in his chair, his cat-eared hat sticking up through his arms. Korekiyo and Kirumi are talking, both of their intellectual voices quiet.

The tension is slowly being sucked out of the room as I hear apologies, explanations, and forgiveness flooding the room. Not to mention the nonbinary goofballs next to me infecting the room with their happiness.

None of it affects Tsumugi, though. She still is just staring blankly at the ground. What the hell did she do to deserve this kind of isolation? The kind girl turned into an empty shell because of this stupid fucking game? Anger rises in me, and I feel compelled to stand up. I start to shift, but Tsumugi’s grip on me becomes tighter.

For the first time today she looks up and shakes her head.

“Tsumugi…” It’s starting to dawn on me the uncomfortableness surrounding her. I run through the math in my head. If Himiko, Maki, and Shuichi were the survivors, I killed Rantaro… Kokichi and Kaito killed each other, Keebo getting along with Rantaro, Gonta and Miu talking, Angie and Tenko....

I look at her.

“You’re…” She shakes her head.

“I’m sorry.”

My hand retreats from hers.

The thin blanket is ripped out from under me.

How could she sneak among us? How could she pretend like she cares so much about us while at the same time KNOWING we’re all going to die at her hands?

I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know what to think. God, I don’t even know what to do! My breaths are quickening, so I clasp my hands around my ears and try to focus on my breathing.

It’s her fault I died.

It’s her fault this all happened.

Every ounce wants to squirm away from the poison polluting the space by my side.

I just wait for the group to start, trying my best to avoid her.

The group is awkward and full of teary-eyed apologies. I feel as though my class is stuck at an impasse. On one hand, I want to move on and abandon the past, but I still feel like the past is plaguing me. While I’m only speaking for myself, several others express similar sentiments.

“Angie thinks we should just focus on the present!~” Angie sings, leaning forward in her chair.

“All the pain and turmoil is over now! We can move on and forgive each other, no?” Her words seem to be smothered in the depression of the room, but one face smiles.

“Yeah, Yonaga-San is right! My assistants and I really missed everyone and we can’t wait to be friends again!” Kaito jumps up, pulling both Maki and Shuichi with him. Maki nods sternly, and Shuichi gives a feeble thumbs up.

“Unfortunately for us, Himiko-chan,” Tenko gestures, starting to get in the mood, “The degenerates lived along with us. So Tenko thinks we should celebrate!” Himiko gives a small ‘nyeh’ as she is disgruntled from waking up, but agrees nonetheless.

The positivity affects the entire room, pulling almost everyone into a frenzied state of happiness because we are just all so happy to be alive, and we’re together, and everything’s okay.

Except the dart of sadness coming from the chair next to me.

And myself.

I stand up in my seat.

Tsumugi shifts next to me. The simple movement itself ticks me off, irrationally making my heart race with annoyance.

I smile and socialize with my allies.

They believe me. I'm their fearless leader after all.

But with Tsumugi's eyes burning into my back, I know she sees right through me.

Chapter Text

Time passes. I don’t go up to the roof, because I don’t know what I would do when I saw Tsumugi there. Emotions are blended up inside of me like a smoothie and I don’t know if it’s poisonous or not.

Everything gets a lot more boring. I talk to Shuichi, but he hasn’t spoken a word since I’ve seen him and things quickly get awkward and stilted. Usually I could talk for hours about whatever, but something about this hospital makes everything damp and smothered. I don’t know how Kokichi did it.

Speaking of Kokichi, I see him stealing something from a doctor’s office one day. We just stare at each other for a couple seconds before heading in opposite ways. A spike of worry comes to me, but I can never read Kokichi so I’m not sure if it’s something bad or not.

Two weeks pass, and then seven more painfully slow days come. At one point I’m so fed up one night I go to the roof, but as soon as I see the stark emptiness of the rooftop I get too emotional and leave.

Finally after a month filled with medication, therapy, and me being forced to play piano as exposure therapy, we’re ready to go to school. We’re woken up before dawn, for some reason. A teacher tells me it’s because since we are the 10th graders we have to have our entrance ceremony first.

I’m given a uniform. It’s pretty simple, and surprisingly comfy. A brown skirt, a white button down, a red ribbon, and a comfy thick brown jacket. There’s a summer version as well, but since it’s cool out I change into the one equipped for colder weather. As a last minute act of rebellion against Hope’s Peak, I clip one of my silver quarter note pins in my hair. Finally I’m starting to look like myself again. I can't help but smile when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

We’re shoveled into a yellow school bus as the sun is rising. The only people awake enough to talk are Tenko and Kirumi, so while they chat softly over the rumbling of the bus ride I drift off into a hesitant sleep.

Soon enough I’m being shaken awake by Gonta. It’s much softer than I expected the large boy to be.

“Gonta noticed Kaede-chan still asleep. Gonta is very sorry for waking you!” I give him a grateful smile, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

“Thanks. Ready to see our school?” He nervously wipes his hands on his pants. I wonder if they had to custom order a uniform for him.

“Ready.” He affirms, letting me go first.

Hope’s Peak Academy stands before me once I step out of the bus. Everyone freezes in their tracks, in awe of the extremeness of the school. I’m not breathing. It towers like a skyscraper in front of me, the sun casting a cool shadow on an already cold day. I expected anxiety at the sight, but I feel nothing but a soft kind of relief.

My class is ushered into a large room I suspect is the cafeteria. There are several lines of chairs, filled to the brim with students my age. There are sheets of paper taped to the chairs, so I find the one with my name on it and awkwardly shuffle past a bunch of tired-looking teens. There’s an entrance packet on my seat, along with a school ID which I pocket. I’m seated next to a girl with choppy brown hair, an arc sticking up at the top. Absentmindedly I feel the top of my head, feeling the same tuft.

“Your hair. It’s. Um. Interesting.” I say absentmindedly. She faces me. She has green eyes, and slightly pink cheeks. She’s wearing a basic girl’s uniform, the same as mine. Her red ribbon is untied, and I silently wonder if it’s an act of rebellion like my hair clip.

“You have the same one!” She pokes her cheek with a confused smile.

“It means we were the protags of our games.” She explains after seeing my clueless expression, gesturing with a hand tipped with pink nail polish.

“Huh. I didn’t know that.”

“So you were in a killing game too?” I ask her. She shakes her head.

“No- well, kind of. We were an experimental trial, Hope’s Peak wanted to try something new.”

“Huh.” The meeting room we’re in is overwhelmingly loud, and Keebo next to me is bouncing their leg. Wait. It’s not extremely loud or sounding like metal clanging. I spin around in my seat and stare at them.

“Hold on. Keebo, are you a human??” I gasp, touching their cheek. It feels like normal skin. He’s still a frightening shade of greenish-white, but still normal skin.

“Uh- uhm, yeah.” They blush, inching away from my touch. I apologize and remove my finger.

“You did not notice in the month we have been doing group therapy? Interesting, the human mind works.” He ponders.

“Woah, were you a ghost in the game?” The brunette leans over, her head almost touching my shoulder.

“No, I was a robot! Now I’m the Ultimate roboticist!” Keebo exclaims proudly, jerking a finger towards themself.

“Aw man.”

“Th-that’s robophobic!” They stumble over their words, and it takes all my effort to not burst into laughter. Hearing their catchphrase pop back up gives me a sense of relief.

“Oh, no! That’s not what I meant!” She panics, waving her hands around. She is very close to me. I prop an arm on her shoulder and wait for her explanation.

“Do you guys know each other?” Keebo asks, already seemingly calmed down. We both shake our heads in unison.

“No.”

“Anyways,” She starts again with a smile, “I’m Komaru Naegi, the Ultimate Medium!”

“Ghosts are real??” I gasp, facing her. She smiles proudly.

“Yep! I thought I was talentless in my game of sorts, but turns out I can talk to AND see ghosts! Although I can only see them if they are kind spirits who died while wearing lipstick.

“Eh? That’s strangely specific.”

“Hmph. What’s your ultimate then?”

“I’m Kaede Akamatsu, I’m the Ultimate Pianist.” Komaru glances at my hair clip with a smile.

“I see!” She smiles.

“You’re so cute!” I blurt out, a feeling of familiarity coming to me.

“Ah-ah! Thanks!” Komaru replies with a small blush.

For some reason I feel… guilt? Is that it? Like I’m cheating on someone, which is weird, because I’m not. I’m just complimenting someone. I don’t need to feel bad.

After the entrance ceremony I’m in good spirits when I accidentally bump into Tsumugi in the hallway. She looks tired, and once I see her I realize how much I’ve missed her.

“Hey.” I wave with a timid smile on my face. Her glasses are dirty, and she’s wearing a huge oversized hoodie over her school uniform.

She stares ahead, walking at a slightly faster pace than me.

“Tsumugi?” I ask. She walks faster.

“Hey!” She finally seems to acknowledge me.

“Sorry. I thought if I ignored you, you would give up. Sorry.” Her voice is so small. Like a fluffy baby chick you hold in your hands, scared you’ll break it if you say the wrong thing.

It’s kind of an unspoken rule that you don’t apologize for what happened in the simulation. In group therapy, the only “I’m sorry” I ever heard was when Kokichi accidentally ran over Kirumi’s foot with his wheelchair. And even then, it was Kirumi apologizing for getting in the way.

So when she says sorry twice, I know exactly what she’s apologizing for.

“It’s ok.” I find myself saying, not even hesitating.

“Talking is hard sometimes.” I add, hoping she gets the message. To my surprise, tears shine in her eyes under the haze of her glasses.

“Ah, did I say something wrong?” We stop in the corner of the hallway, the flood of people passing us by.

“Y-you’re the only one…” She sniffs. Her face is almost as blue as her hair. She’s taller than me, but she looks so small. So weak. I pull her into a hug.

“I didn’t know how to feel.” I whisper softly, the footsteps of my classmates fading into the background.

“No one does.” I say again. She hugs me back, and I feel our blanket getting patched up again.

“I liked going up to the roof with you.” She murmurs.

“We can do that here.” We pull away, the absence of warmth against my chest feeling unwelcome. I resist the urge to reach back and touch her, and instead smile.

“We escaped the game- er, the simulation together. Let’s enjoy it, as friends!” I pump my fists in front of me, a natural smile coming to my face. Tsumugi eyes me for a second before nodding.

“You can hang out with someone as plain as me, I guess.” She says, holding one finger up. I can’t help but laugh.

“Cmon, we’re getting left behind.” We’re running off after the rest of the group, our school-grade shoes clacking loudly against the tile.

I’m happy, right? I’m supposed to feel happy? So why… why does something still feel wrong? A missing link. A wire that’s not connected. Something is off.

Why do I find myself wanting to stop in the middle of the hall, lie down, and melt into the floor? Why does some part of me just want to disappear?

I shake away my thoughts with a decisive nod and catch up to the rest of our class.

Tenko is arguing loudly with Kaito about something. She looks angry, like really REALLY angry, and everybody else looks apprehensive about the situation.

“Hey hey, what’s happening?” I wave my hands, catching my breath.

“This DEGENERATE was HARASSING Yonaga-San!” She hisses, her green eyes narrowed. I look to Angie with a questioning look. She doesn’t say anything only gives a slight-er, purr? In response.

“All I said was her hair looked cute short! Jeez.” He raises a fist, sweat beading on his face.

“Hm. It does look cute short.” I speculate, noticing her hair is shoulder length, still tied up in her signature two ponytails. What’s with all the girls getting haircuts?

“Ah, Angie ran out of paintbrushes so she had to cut some of her hair off!” She says, her head bobbing back and forth. As if that explains everything.

“That’s not the point!” Tenko cries.

“N-no offense Chabashira-San, but why do you care?” Tsumugi pipes up. I think this is the first time I’ve heard her speak to the whole group. I silently cringe for her sake. Not a great first impression. Well not the first, but… nevermind.

“Be- urgh, because degenerates like him are the reason all this shitty stuff happened to us!” She’s genuinely crying now, and some of the other students are looking towards us with strange looks. We’re supposed to be going to the dorms right now, but obviously we are not in the process of doing that.

“Tenko…” My voice falters, slightly nervous at the thought of Hope’s Peak hearing us.

“Nishishishi! What an overreaction.” Kokichi says, and my soul silently dies. Oh no.

“What a bunch of babies! The killing game was just that, a GAME. No need to get all worked up!” He giggles, reaching two hands behind his head. Everybody’s too stunned to say anything back.

“Cmonnnn! Wasn’t it fun? Right Maple-Tree? Right right right right?” I know he’s referring to me, since the Kanji for my name also means maple tree.

“Ouma-kun-” I interrupt before he can make the situation even worse. Poor Tenko is simply crying her eyes out, and Kaito is just generally confused and nervous.

“O-O-Ouma-k-k-kun? Y-you’ve reverted back to last names? Wah, how could you??” He cries, dramatically falling into me. Instead of helping him lightly back into his chair, I snap and shove him forcefully.

“Oooh hit me harder.” He giggles, his persona completely changing. I scowl at him and turn up to face the group before he can speak again.

“Look, I know we went through something super shitty, but it’s over now, got it?” I pump both fists in the air, forcing a smile. I can feel the sweat clearly shining on my head, but I’ve never had a problem talking to people. Especially people who I care about, I realize on the spot. Which I do care about these people. No matter how annoying they are.

“So let’s stop fighting and acting like jerks, and let’s all be friends like we promised!” I guess I’m the queen of inspirational speeches today. There’s a moment of silence as everyone takes in my words.

“Fineee, I guess I’ll behave for my dear Maple-Tree.” Kokichi breaks the awkwardness.

“Not much of a speech, but I’ll take it.” Miu complains.

“I second that!” Keebo says confidently. I give them a look.

“Er- I meant the becoming friends part!” They press their fingers together in embarrassment. Rantaro chuckles.

“Agreed.” They say. Everyone else agrees, but Tenko’s eyes are still shining with tears. I exchange glances with Tsumugi, who starts to step towards her, but I shake my head. I don’t know if Tenko would accept her help, just since… ya know.

“Chabashira-chan?” I put a hesitant hand on her shoulder. She glances back at me before looking down at her hands.

“Tenko doesn’t like how you just brushed her off like that.” The rest of the group is talking just quiet enough to where I can hear her. I want to object. She was being irrational. I know she is that way because of her Neo-Aikido master who had manipulated her, which I learned from hanging out with her a couple months back, but it still aches to hear her inflict the trauma on other boys. I don’t really know what to say, and before I can think of anything she stalks away from me, pushing to the front of the crowd.

Frustrated, I ball my hands up into fists. My fingers start tapping wildly in the air, a nervous tic I usually do when upset.

Wait, when was the last time I did this? I open up my hands and stare at them, slightly confused. I used to do that all the time. Why had I stopped? I can feel someone’s eyes on me, but I ignore it.

Confusion. Confusion. Confusion.

Something’s wrong.

…

…

…

…

“Akamatsu-san.” Kirumi appears at my side. Her knowledgeable eyes know nothing.

“Is something the matter?” I shake my head.

My dorm room is actually pretty nice. The school has enough money to have each student own their own room, of course, but we’re grouped into roommates for the sake of socialization. Apparently it’s a new initiative because while ultimate students succeed very well outside of school, their social skills are something to be reckoned with since they train alone.

My roommate isn’t there when I arrive, so I claim the top bunk. All my belongings fit into a duffle bag, so it doesn’t take much time to unpack. I have two of my new school uniforms, plus one set of the get-up I wore in the simulation. It itches me in the wrong way to have it in my sight, so I put it on a hanger and push it all the way to the back of what I claim as my side of the closet.

Along with that I have the first five volumes of the manga Forest of Piano. I was allured by the title when I had snuck off to my music school and saw it in a book store window. I started from the title and stayed for the analysis into classic music, but became hooked when the story gripped me with it’s characters. I begged my sister to bring the copies I owned to the hospital. That was the first time I had seen her in a while.

The dorm room has a vanity a couple feet from the bunk bed, lit up by theatre-like bulbs. There’s a storage kit for makeup on top, and another smaller mirror. Dimly I wonder why one would need two mirrors.

Next to the vanity is the large closet, which is at the corner to the door of the entrance of the room. Across from the closet is a comfy-looking white leather couch with a small red coffee table. There’s a Hope’s Peak Academy student guide on it, along with a gatorade water bottle from my roommate. Her stuff is in a duffle bag on the bottom bunk, unpacked.

I’m neither messy nor clean, so it doesn’t bother me either way. Right now us students are supposed to be exploring the school, so I grab my old white backpack and step out of the room. A boy with a buzz cut stops me the second I exit.

“Hello! My name is Kiyotaka Ishimaru! I was just checking in that you have read the student manual!” The boy exclaims. I have to step back because I’m scared he’s going to burst my eardrums. He bows way too low, and I feel obligated to meet him.

“Um, hello! Kaede Akamatsu. And I didn’t read the student manual.”

“I must oblige you to read the manual to make sure Hope’s Peak is run smoothly and happily for all students! That will be all!” He bows once again before taking off with a robotic urgency.

I blink a couple of times and brush off the strange encounter. I wonder what he is, the ultimate hall monitor? I fight back a giggle since he’s still in earshot and start to walk in the opposite way. I notice there are whiteboards on each of the doors, so I write a quick note for my roommate. Along with the board is a name tag with our names on it-

Aoi Asahina- Grade 10, Class A

Kaede Akamatsu- Grade 10, Class C

Hm, I wonder what her ultimate is. Right, the school! I take off down the hallway, looking at the different sets of names on the doors.

Ryoma and Shuichi are together, which makes me laugh. I bet that’ll be the quietest dorm on campus. I see the room of that girl I just met, Komaru, written next to a name I also recognize. Tenko! Well I’m glad she’s with the nice (if not slightly strange) girl Komaru.

Tsumugi is with someone named Sonia Nevermind. I vaguely recognize the name, maybe some political figure or something. It’s strange to be with so many other famous people. Most of the time it’s me, feeling left out as my other friends socialize with each other and I’m plagued by the public. Of course, I love seeing how I affect other people with my music. I can’t even begin to describe how happy it makes me to hear about how my works have changed people’s lives. It’s just… I want to make my friends happy too.

Chapter Text

I rub my head awkwardly and rush past their room. I exit the hallways where the dorm rooms are. There is a large clearing with windows that let in the coppery morning light, illuminating the white and grey tiles of the floor. There’s a couple of rooms which I check out- a gymnasium with a couple of girls playing basketball, a bathhouse, a school store, and a cafeteria. There’s a huge map at the end of the room, highlighting all the different ultimate rooms. The map is so overwhelmingly giant I can’t take in the whole thing. I wonder if Hope’s Peak rebuilds each ultimate room as students graduate.

I stick out a finger and wave it around, landing on a random room. Ultimate Imposter Lab? Huh. I wonder what that would look like. How is being an imposter even an ultimate…? Maybe for like going undercover with the FBI or something. That’s actually pretty cool.

I spend the rest of the day exploring the campus. I end up in the late afternoon on the manicured front lawn, running my hands through the soft grass. My neck is unbearably itchy, and I feel strangely irritated. I grip the grass and yank a handful out. It doesn’t help.

My hands immediately reach towards my skirt pocket to grab a tablet of morphine, which I almost always have, I mean, I took a couple not two hours ago. But my fingers only run over the smooth fabric. Damnit.

“That’s wrong Kaede.”

My conscience says. I cringe and press my hands into my ears, trying to ignore the voice.

“Follow your morals. You aren’t acting like yourself.”

My morals…? What morals? Whatever fucking morals I had went to hell when I killed Rantaro.

“You’re not acting like yourself.”

My eyes squeeze shut.

I wait. My leg is bouncing.

Waiting? Why am I waiting? I cautiously open my eyes.

There’s no one there. Why was I expecting someone?

In the simulation… whenever something bad happened, the other’s would be there for support. In books whenever someone is having a hard time, a person shows up to help.

So why isn’t anyone here?

Right… because this is real life. Right?

Right??

My hands tighten onto my head, a suffocating clamp that buzzes away the outside stimuli.

This is real life. This is real life. This is real life.

A strange sort of dizziness comes over me. Like when I was little, I used to watch youtube videos of people going on roller coasters because I always wanted to, but my parents never let me. Or when I would forget to eat or drink water for way too long and my head would spin.

The sensation builds up in my mind, consuming everything like a bomb. There’s a high pitched whining noise in my ears which tears through my eardrums and into my brain. Cold tears streak down my face, my lips trembling with an urgency.

And then it all stops at once. The squealing simmers down to a whisper, and I can feel my body stop shaking. I’m almost too scared to open my eyes. I count to 100, and nothing happens. I count 100 more, and that’s when I finally unclench my eyelids, letting a dim light in.

I don’t know where I am. I unpeel my hands from my head and feel around on the ground. It’s not grass. Wasn’t I in the courtyard? The floor here is soft and spongy. I must be on a bed.

Attempting to collect my thoughts, I rake my fingers across the area around me. I’m on my bed, somehow. Did I walk here? Or did someone take me here?

Anxious energy runs through me. My fingers start tapping of their own accord. I slowly ease off my bed, stepping down the ladder to the ground. My roommate's bed is empty, looking as clean and uninhabited as it was when I first saw it. Outside it’s barely light out, the sun having set a long time ago.

My body trembles as I walk, my knees knocking together loudly. Thankfully the Asahina girl isn’t here. I look outside.

There’s a heavy amount of light pollution from the surrounding areas of Hope’s Peak, but since the school is so big I can’t see any of the buildings it's emitting from. All I can see is the faint glow of yellow light. The school itself is fairly lit up as well, with street lights marking the criss-crossing sidewalks. I can see a couple of people walking around, but I don’t recognize anyone. There’s also a larger-looking person sprinting across the front lawn wearing a black and green contraption on their head. No one looks at them strange, though. Figures.

It takes every ounce of my energy not to panic at the situation around me. What the fuck happened? Did I teleport or something?

I’m not the kind of person who swears often, but I'm scared, I'm angry, and my throat hurts. I need morphine. Now that I’m out of the hospital though, I have no clue where to get some. I could ask for another prescription, but I worry that they wouldn’t let me. They probably just wouldn’t believe me when I would say my throat is hurting.

I rub the tender spot and wince, trying to keep it together. I gather my hair into a low ponytail, just above the nape of my neck. The cool air helps, but not enough. I should really campaign for myself, pleading and convincing my doctor to give me another prescription. But it didn’t work before, plus it’s late at night. Maybe I could go to the nurse’s office and ask for some? I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s worth a shot.

The door opens silently. The hallways are much colder than my room, so I wrap both my arms around me to conserve heat. I am still wearing my school uniform, which helps greatly.

I approach the large map from the main hallway, squinting at the letters and symbols. Eventually my eyes find a room with a red cross on it- medical help. There’s two rooms as such, but I decide to go to the one on the first floor, since I have no clue where the stairs or elevators are. I memorize the route and head on my way, hoping not to bump into anyone.

The halls are mostly uninhabited, except for one room which has pulsating lights flashing from the bottom crack of the door. I can hear a dull thudding from the room, but since the rooms are soundproof I can’t quite hear the inside. An ache comes to me. I want to join whatever party is going on, but I have to go to the nurse’s…

I look at the nametag on the door- Sayaka Maizono, Class A Year 1 and Ibuki Mioda, Class B Year 1. Both names are pretty high in the musical industry, although I’ve never met either of them. My production manager wanted to set up a joint concert with Sayaka’s idol group, but it never ended up happening.

I don't have a pen on my or anything, but I try to memorize where this room is in relation to mine. Maybe after I get morphine I can join.

After a couple minutes of wandering through the dark halls, I come across the nurse's room. I hesitantly turn the doorknob.

The room's bright white overhead lights illuminate immediately, which makes me cringe. After a few minutes spent rubbing my eyes, I go to a metal drawer marked 'medication' and start to rustle through it.

“Y-you’re not allowed in here.” A high-pitched, nervous voice says behind me. I slam the drawer shut and spin around. I didn't even hear the girl come in.

“Oh!! Hi, sorry. I’m Kaede Akamatsu.” I say, switching to a faux cheerful voice. My voice sounds dirty in this sort of clean environment.

“Ahhhh!! You’re an ultimate as well, i’m sorry!” The girl cries, bowing very low with a pained look on her face.

“Oh, it’s okay!” I say nervously, rushing over. I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. She jumps at the touch. I quickly withdraw my touch and stand a good distance away, respectfully.

“Did you need something Akamatsu-Senpai?” I giggle.

“Senpai? I’m a first year. What’s your name?”

“M-mikan Tsumiki. I’m the ultimate nurse, it’s very nice to m-meet you!” She has choppy purplish hair framing a round face. Bruises and scars adorn her arms and legs, with bandages slapped haph-hazardly on them. I can’t help but wonder if they are self imposed.

“I’m guessing you were in a killing game too, huh.” I sit down on a bench. Mikan cautiously sits next to me.

“Yes…” She looks exhausted, and grey-purple marks streak under her eyes.

“We call it the you-know-what, like voldem... voldemort.” I giggle.

“That’s a much better code name, we just call it the ‘That thing that happened’” She laughs. It’s nice to see her uneasy demeanor slip for a second. We talk for a bit about how nice the school is, nothing too deep or frightening. It's nice to have a regular conversation.

“We have school tom-tomorrow, we should head to bed soon. Did you need something from here?” She repeats. Oh, right. Morphine.

“My throat was damaged in-” I pause. Anxiety swells, which I stammer down by wiping my palms on my skirt.

“I had a breakdown at the hospital and harmed my throat, I was just looking for morphine tablets.”

“Oh, um, I usually don’t handle m-medications, the upperclassman Seiko Kimura whom I share a research lab with does that. But I suppose…” I can tell she wants to be my friend. I hate thinking this, but they may come to my advantage. I’m too tired to consider the moral consequences of this.

“It’s okay.” I smile painfully, getting up slowly.

“Ah, no no! It’s okay! H-here!” She rushes over to a locked medicine cabinet and hands me a small bottle of pills. The amount of power I have in my hands fills me with a sick rush.

“Thank you, Tsumiki-chan! It was a pleasure meeting you.”

“Y-you too! Take in moderation please!” She says politely with a small bow.

I rush back to my dorm room, like I’m scared someone will catch me. After popping one in my mouth, I hide the bottle of pills in the bottom drawer of my dresser. I need these pills, they’re for my throat. That’s right! I’m hurt. Kokichi was wrong. I’m fine. I’ll limit myself to one pill a day, and I’ll be fine.

For the first night in a while, I sleep without any nightmares.

I try to brush out my hair since some hospital staff tended to it about a month ago, but it’s ratty and matted beyond repair. I pull it into a low ponytail. The silver music note hair clips I used to wear every day lay on my desk, shiny and terrifying. I just grab one, a quarter note, and pin it in my hair. There. Now I look a little more like Kaede Akamatsu! The team leader and ultimate pianist! As a last minute attempt I try to rub off the silvery purple marks beneath my eyes, but it’s useless. Hopefully my classmates look just as shitty as I do.

At the last second I grab the bottle of pills and stick it in my skirt pocket.

I was given a tablet like in the game, with my schedule and a map of the school programmed in. My first class is obviously homeroom. Filled with anxiety, I make my way to the front of the school.

“Oh. My. God. Are you Kaede Akamatsu?” Someone yells behind me. I cringe at the loud noise, but turn around anyways.

“Do I know you?” I ask. My voice comes out deeper and raspier than I want it to.

“AHHH your voice is SO GRAVELY that is so sexy, holy shit. I’m Junko!” She extends a hand. I hesitantly shake it.

“Junko? Wow, you’re really pretty.” I blurt out. She physically blushes. Like an anime character.

“Yep, Junko! Betrayer of my friends and sister, mastermind of the first game, plagued with existential guilt, yadda yadda. That’s me!” She giggles.

“I kinda died in the first chapter of my game, so I’m not really sure who you are.”

“Oh.” The flashy valley girl accent is gone from her voice, instead it’s deeper and softer. Genuine? Well, maybe not. Maybe… calculating?

“How do you know who I am?” I realize.

“Well, I watched your shows before we even went to the academy. My sister and I loved your performances.” She says very quietly, barely audible. My face breaks into pink.

“Huh… Always glad to meet a fan.” I say nervously. She spins a lock of hair separated from her pigtails around a finger with an acrylic nail on the end.

“Are you?” She says in a dead-calm voice. It’s eerie.

“Is she bothering you?” A blue haired girl appears out of nowhere and slings an arm around Junko.

“Sayakaaa buzz off, fatass.”

“Sorry about her.” The girl, Sayaka, who I now recognize as the idol, smiles at me. She was one of the people throwing the party that night, huh...

“No problem, she was actually just complimenting me!”

“We’re gonna head off to class. Smell ya later Kaede!” I guess Junko and I are on a first name basis already, huh. I notice after they leave that they look just as tired and nervous as I do.

I enter my classroom and greet my classmates, who seem relieved to see me. They all look a bit tired. No wondering, since we're all suddenly staying in this new place. Everybody's there but Himiko, Maki, and Tsumugi, which makes me mad for some reason. I know homeroom is optional, but it still bothers me that she isn't here. Could she really see through my speech yesterday? I am curious as to why the other girls are missing, though.

“Class, please listen up. I am your homeroom teacher.” A voice appears. I look around, but I don’t see anyone.

“Class, please listen up. I am your homeroom teacher.” The voice repeats, except this time it is accompanied by a young woman in a teacher’s uniform. I blink. What just happened..? I slink into my seat and wrap my arms tight around me.

Homeroom is just team building exercises, which are pretty awkward to do with our history and all. Afterwards we have private studies. I stood outside my lab room for a solid couple of minutes with my hand on the doorknob, but I never turned it. After a couple hours of that, we are told to go to the lunch room. When I get there, not everybody from my class is there, so I sit at the table with the most amount of people.

I end up sitting with Tenko, Rantaro, Keebo, and Miu somehow. Rantaro and Keebo are talking to each other, so I’m stuck with the girls.

“So, flat chest, I meant to ask earlier, but how’d ya lose the weight?” Miu asks with a mouth full of apple. Consistent painkiller use is the answer, but I don’t say that.

“I dunno. Being extremely depressed?” That’s a bit more relatable. She snorts.

“HA! All that did was get me prescribed fuck ass antidepressants.” She grumbles, setting down her apple. Tenko is looking at her tablet with a sad sort of expression on her face, ignoring us.

“Well that’s good.” I say with a smile, slurping a couple noodles of the warm soba they fed us for lunch.

“Eh. They haven’t done shit yet.”

“Hang in there, medication can be handy you know.”

“Medication my ass! They gave me these dumb ass pain meds for the head trauma in the simulation,” She holds up a pill bottle- larger than mine, with big blue tablets inside. Something pangs inside of me. Longing? No no no. I take the morphine because of my throat. Although my throat is kind of hurting right now. Maybe something like that would help… “...And after all that happened, these things are useless now.” I realize she finished the story. Quick, Kaede, think!

“I’m friends with the nurse!” I blurt out. It’s not completely a lie.

“Hm?”

“I-I’m friends with the nurse,” I compose myself. “I can take those back since you don’t need them.” Miu smiles, a rare kind of smile I had never seen on her before. She seems different. Good different.

“Th-thanks, flat chest.” She hands me the bottle, which I slip in my pocket.

"Oh hey, did you hear about the fight with Maki and Himiko?" Miu asks after a couple minutes.

"Himiko would never fight like that! She's an angel!" Tenko suddenly proclaims, slamming down her fists on the table. Miu jumps back.

"Eh? Don't tell me Himiko has a praise kink!" I give her a passive aggressive smile and turn my attention to Tenko before she can explode, but she's already gone. I can't help but worry about her... The thought makes me pop two of Miu's pills into my mouth. I don't know what they are, but my eyes unfocus almost immediately and I can feel myself start to relax.

“Did you say something?” Miu asks a couple minutes later. I blink.

“Huh?”

“You were mumbling some shit about fish?” Miu asks.

“It’s nothing.” I blush, looking down at my finished bowl of food.

I can’t sleep that night. The combination of my too-squishy bed and loud heater blasting is overloading my senses. It’s chilly but not quite cold yet, and yet they are blasting the heat like it’s -20 fahrenheit outdoors.

The hallway floor is nice and cool though, so I lay there in the pitch darkness. I want to take some pills, but the floor is too comfortable.

Suddenly a pair of glow in the dark slippers with mice on them step into my view. The feet spin back around the corner of the hallway. I get off the floor and peek around the corner. I’m met with a familiar face.

Tsumugi and I stare at each other for a second.

"Hi." I wave.

"Hi." She avoids my eye contact.

“Where were you today?” I slump down on the wall, returning to the wonderfulness of the chilly ground.

“I was just so plainly anxious about coming in, I overslept.” She explains.

“Hm.” There’s another beat, still a tad awkward. I guess that’s to be expected.

“Did you hear about the fight?” I ask her, breaking the silence. She nods.

“My roommate told me about it.” Tsumugi pauses to laugh.

“I heard that they didn’t actually fight, just that neither of them wanted to go to school and punched each other.”

“HA!” I laugh, “I can honestly imagine that happening.”

“Right? Like they would be thinking all hard and then Himiko’s like…” She clears her throat and puts on a spot on Himiko expression. “I… have an idea!” We both burst into infectious laughter. It feels so good to laugh again.

“IT’S QUIET HOUR DIPSHITS!” A voice shouts from a dormitory. We break into laughter again, trying to shush each other while we run away from the scene of the crime.

My stomach growls as we are running, and Tsumugi giggles.

“You want to make ramen?” She whispers.

“Sure.” We sneak about, making the food. I feel like myself again. I feel like a normal kid at a normal boarding school doing normal things. It’s strange to be doing this with Tsumugi. I feel a kind of relief to just have fun and not think about it any deeper.

When we’re finished, Tsumugi painstakingly makes two little octopi out of sausages.

“You ready?” She asks.

“Mhm. Let’s go eat ramen on the roof.” I suggest.

It’s freezing outside. The soup helps warm our hands and stomachs, but my bare legs are chilled to the bone in the night air.

“It feels like we’re just normal teenagers, and not like we have extensive trauma from a virtual reality killing game.” Tsumugi says once we’re done with our food. We’re both lying on our backs, looking up at the starry night sky.

“Yeah…”

“Why did we agree to do this?” I say, taking in a slow breath.

“I just remember feeling so desperate not to be like the others. Feeling so desperate to just want everyone to like me.” She murmurs.

“Me too. I remember thinking that it’s fine, it isn’t real.” I pause.

“But we really thought it was.” She shivers. My breath gets caught in my throat as a thought pops into my mind.

“What if- what if we’re not actually out of the game? I mean, we couldn’t distinguish real life from the virtual world…” I blurt out. Paranoia grips onto my spine like a snake. The girl next to me considers this for a moment.

“Well in the virtual world, there were no bugs and doors didn’t make sound.” She suggests, rolling over so her head faces me. She looks almost like an alien with her brighter than bright sea colored contacts in.

“Hm, I guess so.”

“And the clouds all looked the same.”

I sit up, still facing her. “I did notice that! Also did you notice there was no dirt under the grass?? I thought it was just some weird breed.”

“I plainly did not notice that. Oh and there were no spoons!”

“Yeah! Like how are we supposed to eat soup, with a fucking butterknife?”

We make fun of the simulation far into the night, and at 3 am when I’m finally lying in bed with only the sound of the annoying heater to keep me company, I smile. This kind of roof time felt different. The change in scenery definitely helped.

Today felt weird. I was sleep deprived from staying up so late with Tsumugi, but I also felt strangely happy. I think that the antidepressants I had started are working. Doing things feels easier. I feel more stable.

Last night was weird too. I felt like Tsumugi and I were in a different plane of existence, one where I was happy and giggly and normal like I was before the game. My ultimate talent that i’m terrified of didn’t exist. My mental illnesses didn’t exist. Even when I took a morphine tablet while we were cooking ramen, it didn’t change anything. It was still a dream.

“Good morning!” I say to my class. Gonta greets me a ten second hug.

“You’re in good spirits.” Rantaro smiles. He’s attempting to do a wheelie with Kokichi’s wheelchair. I watch as he falls backwards and hits his head on Maki’s desk.

“Yeah- Oh, hey Maki.” I smile awkwardly, my last encounter with her in the hospital popping into my mind.

“Hey Kaede.” She waves, and turns back to Rantaro. “I fucking swear I will kill you if you hit my desk again.

I sit over by Kokichi, who is watching Rantaro make a fool of themself.

“So did they…?” I gesture to Maki and Himiko, who is sitting on Tenko’s desk and talking to her.

“Apparently they both really didn’t want to go to school so they pretended to fight.” He giggles.

“HA! Really? That’s awesome.” I’ve gotta tell Tsumugi, I can’t believe she called it.

I scan the classroom, looking for the spark of blue, but I don’t see her. My smile melts off my face. Is she not coming in today…?

I take a pill.

That night I’m wandering the halls again, hoping to stumble upon Tsumugi again like last night. The school is huge, and every shadow looks like a monster. I’m about to give up when I hear something that’s not the sound of a TV in a dorm room or my own footsteps. It’s piano.

My heart races. Every breath I take doesn’t give me enough air. I run towards the sound, down a hallway. The hallway turns to a dark alcove. I run in and try to see where the piano is. I need to stop it.

“Stop!” I yell, but all I hear in response is an echo and still the faint piano playing. I shakily take one, no, two.... I pop four pills in my mouth and continue sprinting towards the sound.

“Where are you!” I yell. The building around me is transforming into this nightmarish hellscape, and every twist and turn leads into a hallway that looks exactly the same.

“Where…” I feel tired. Morphine is kicking in.

“Kaede… where are you?” I whisper, falling onto the tile of the ground.

I don’t… I can’t…

…

All of a sudden I’m whisked back to reality, and I’m sitting in class. I jump up, breathing heavily. How did I get here? Last I remember, I was sitting outside, looking for Tsumugi. Everyone is staring at me.

“Akamatsu-San, please have a seat.” The teacher who I never learnt her name says.

“Um… I don’t…” I feel dizzy.

“Kaede dear, do you know where you are?” Kirumi is talking and she puts a hand on my shoulder.

“I...um…” My voice cracks. I push past Kirumi and rush out the door, the slamming of it echoing behind me. My classmates' voices carry out behind me, but I keep running. I end up outside.

The autumn leaves are falling sleepily, and the landscape is a gorgeous mix of red, orange, and brown. It’s much more peaceful than the claustrophobic landscape of my school. I take a pill and then fall into the fetal position and listen to the crunching of the leaves and the soft wind.

“Are you skipping too?” I look up and see Mikan, from the nurse’s office, and a small girl. She has big pink eyes and short cropped hair. She looks tired and is holding a book. Watership down. There’s a very cute rabbit on the cover.

“Kinda.” The two sit next to me, with their backs against the tree.

“Hi Mikan.”

“Hi Kaede-san.” Mikan smiles at me. She’s wearing two jackets, and her arms are wrapped around herself.

“Cold?” She nods.

“I g-grew up in Florida.”

“Florida? As in America?”

“Yeah, m-my mom was in the army. We had to move there when I was little.”

“She always drinks orange juice.” The pink haired girl says. She reminds me a bit of Korekiyo, somehow. Quiet and calm.

“What’s your name? I’m Kaede Akamatsu. Ultimate… um, pianist.”

“Chiaki Nanami. I’m the ultimate… gamer.” She smiles at me for a second before going back to her book. We both seem reluctant to share our ultimates, and I wonder if she too has trauma associated with it.

“I’m skipping with Mikan.”

“Oh, cool. Are you guys friends? Or…” I suggest.

“AH W-we are just- we are just friends!” Mikan squeals, burying her face in her arms. Nanami laughs quietly.

“How’s your throat doing Kaede-San?” Mikan asks after a couple minutes of relaxing silence.

I tense and clear my throat. I don’t want to lie, but how else am I supposed to get more medication…? Sure, I have Miu’s and the one Mikan gave me, but at the rate I’m going I don’t know how long it’ll last.

“A little better.” I smile wanly. Mikan’s too sweet, too innocent. I don’t want to lie to her.

Later that night, I’m lying awake in bed with no urge to sleep. After my breakdown in homeroom and my skipping, I had to talk to my therapist for an hour.

“Pssst. Kaede.” A whisper sounds from outside my door. I pull on pajama pants and slowly open it.

“Tsumugi. Hey.” I find myself grinning. She looks as otherworldly and pretty as she did two days ago.

“Hey! Are you okay? I heard what happened” She asks, her eyebrows pressed together. I nod and step out of my room.

“Yeah. Are you?”

“There were some paperwork issues so I couldn’t attend school today. I promise I’ll be there tomorrow.” I sigh in relief.

“To be honest, I thought I had dreamed you up the other night.” She gasps.

“Me? What a plain dream!” We laugh quietly, even the small sound echoing greatly.

“Ramen?” She points to the kitchen with a small smile.

“Ramen.”

I find myself staring at her hair again, with her not noticing as she quietly watches the stars.

“What was it like when you woke up…?” Tsumugi asks out of nowhere. I slurp up the rest of my soup and scoot closer to her.

Part of me doesn’t want to answer, but the feeling over her body next to mine is reassuring.

“Y-you don’t have to say of course.” She stammers. I shrug.

“It’s okay.” I pause for a second to recount my thoughts.

“I don’t remember the exe-ex-” I take a deep breath in. “I don’t remember what happened, but I remember being dead. I woke up, and felt this incredible guilt wash over me. I betrayed them. I killed the wrong person. I’m awful. Rantaro and I talked, but I still felt this… this…”

“Do you still feel that guilt?”

“...Yeah. I know it wasn’t me doing it, that it was scripted and all, but it still was me who signed up for it in the first place.” There’s a couple of seconds where all I can hear is the whistling of the wind.

“I don’t-” Tsumugi adjusts her glasses. “I don’t understand what they were thinking. What WE were thinking! How is traumatizing us a test to see if we’ll be good at Hope’s Peak? It’s fucked up!”

I had never seen Tsumugi this angry before. To be fair, I’ve only known her- her true self, for a little while. But her usually sweet and calm demeanor is gone, replaced with a tense frustration. For some reason I am having trouble finding my breath.

“Right??” I’m angry now too.

“FUCK HOPE’S PEAK!” Tsumugi screams into the night air.

“FUCK HOPE’S PEAK!” I yell after her.

We sit in this hot, angry silence. I imagine white-hot and red streaks of color flowing into the air, emitting from Tsumugi and poisoning the sky.

Not in a bad way necessarily, but in an angry way. It feels nice to finally just feel this overwhelming kind of fury.

After a while the anger starts to grow uncomfortably hot, and I break the silence.

“When I woke up I also strangled a nurse.” I blurt out. Tsumugi looks at me in surprise.

“Really?” I nod.

“He was fine of course, but thinking back now it was pretty funny.” Tsumugi laughs, a clear sound that flies into the dark air.

“When I woke up I punched a doctor.” She says, twiddling with the edge of her hair.

“HA! No way.” Sweet, nervous, Tsumugi punching a doctor. With her angry self a couple of moments ago I could imagine it.

“Do you want to talk about what it was like when you woke up?” I ask.

“...Yes. I was just so plain confused, I mean last I checked I was evil and incredibly in love with Junko. When I woke up, I felt like I had just been playing a part in the world’s longest anime episode.” I understand what she means. The person named Kaede Akamatsu in the game didn’t feel like the Kaede Akamatsu in real life.

That's... that's right. I am in real life after all.

Chapter Text

“To be honest…” She sighs with a sad smile. I look up at her.

“I don’t feel really guilty.” She looks up at me.

“I know I should, because it was me, I was the one doing it… but I also know it was Hope Peak’s script and their actions that made me do it. It was like…” She thinks for a second. “It was like they were acting through my body.”

I stare at her in shock.

“I-I’m sorry, that probably sounded just plain self absorbed-” She stammers, tapping her fingers together anxiously.

“No no, you’re right.” I lay down on my back and stare up at the void of a sky.

“You’re completely right.” It wasn’t Tsumugi who was the mastermind, it was them. It wasn’t me who tried to kill the mastermind, it was them.

They stole our personalities and put us into clones of us, but warped and twisted.

“Fuck Hope’s Peak.” I whisper. I’m crying for some reason. Tsumugi lays down next to me and squeezes my hand.

A smile crawls across my face and stays there for the rest of the night.

Piano keys. I stare down at them. The pattern of white and black reminds me of a hypnosis wheel. I have every note memorized to a T, and I know the exact pattern of notes to hit to satisfy an audience. I know the exact pattern of notes to hit to send me into the magical place between the threshold of this world and the world of melodies and sound. But I also know the pattern to remind myself of the painful hours upon hours of my execution.

My therapist tells me to play something small that has a pattern unlike the anthem of my death. My hands rest on the white porcelain keys, the familiar coolness unleashing a mixture of both calm and apprehension.

“You’re not there. It’s over.” My therapist, Ms.Han, assures me. She’s a sweet old lady with a pageboy hair cut and purple cat eye glasses. I like her. It hurts when I have to lie to her about sneaking my pills.

“You’re here, and you’re okay.” My foot starts tapping. I wish they hadn’t turned my passion into a gruesome death, however fake it may be.

For some reason, I imagine Tsumugi. When we parted ways last night, she hugged me. She’s taller than me by a couple centimeters or so, and she smelled like blue raspberry candy. I wonder if it’s the perfume she uses, or if she just really likes blue raspberry candy. I’ll have to ask her.

I imagine her across the room from me, staring at me with that sweet smile of hers.

I take a deep breath and start playing the first melody that comes to mind- The Entertainer. It’s upbeat and fun, and a burst of happiness explodes. I missed playing piano so much that tears come to my eyes. I race across the keys, bouncing up and down with the stream of notes in my head. I miss a few, sure, but it doesn’t matter because in the end I’m playing piano.

I’m playing piano!

After the song ends, I’m sitting on the bench, breathless and teary eyed. Ms.Han smiles and pats my shoulder.

“Oh Kaede-chan, I’m so proud of you. You did wonderful.” I stare at the keys in amazement.

This is my passion. I rule the piano.

I look over to the phantom Tsumugi for approval, but she’s left. That’s okay, I can tell her in person.

When I walk into the room, there are two faces who haven’t been there before.

Tsumugi and Shuichi.

“Shuichi…?” I whisper. He looks up from his conversation with Rantaro and Kokichi. I remember how he had been absent for the first couple of days. Last time I had abundant anxiety, but I feel more calm now. Plus I had just taken a pill, and my whole body is relaxed and stable.

“K-Kaede. Hey.” He looks so small and weak. His hair is too long and his skin is too pale, but I don’t care. He was- he is my friend.

I hug him tightly, relieved to know he’s okay.

“It’s so good to see you.” He smiles.

“It’s good to see you too.” It’s a bit stilted, but I’m not surprised.

I sit down, and Shuichi seems kind of anxious, so he shuffles off to Kokichi’s desk and talks with him in low tones.

“Hey, Tsumugi!” I wave. She doesn’t look at me, only stares straight ahead at the door.

“You okay?” I want to tell her about my playing of the piano.

No response. Her blue eyes are unreadable behind her glasses.

“Are you talking to me?” Korekiyo asks quietly, he has the seat in front of Tsumugi’s.

“N-no, I was talking to-” I look back over to Tsumugi, but she’s gone. The stark emptiness of her chair sends a cold chill down my spine.

“Tsumugi… she was just… she was just there.” I stammer, jumping out of my seat and feeling around on her desk as if to catch the physical essence to prove that she actually was just there.

“Tsumugi’s still not here yet.” His yellow eyes narrow in concern.

“Are you ok?” I nod and return to my desk. My hands are fluttering like a leaf in the wind. My breaths are too shallow and my palms are too sweaty. Anxiety clouds my vision.

Have I really been dreaming our night adventures up? Did I really hallucinate laughing with her at 2 AM and screaming at the sky? Was there only one ramen cup on the roof that left the saltiness of MSG in my mouth? That can’t be possible- we talked about things only she would feel.

I grip the bottle of pills I keep in my pocket at all times. It couldn’t be that- that these are messing up my memory? Like the other day, when I heard the teacher’s voice but didn’t see her. Or when I was sitting outside and suddenly I was back in bed? Or when I was running through the hallways and all of a sudden 10 hours passed?? No, that can’t be right. Is it possible I’m still in the simulation? It’s definitely a possibility, I mean if I’m seeing people nobody else sees, then maybe the simulation is just trying to make me go insane?

My thoughts become a tornado of anxiety and paranoia, filling every bone of my body with fear. I can’t trust anyone here- they could all be fakes. Even Kokichi, who I’ve been talking to for months.

And then the door opens, and Tsumugi actually walks in. Her face is creased with nervousness. A blonde girl I recognize from class-B walks her in, and gives her a small pat on the shoulder before leaving. Cerulean eyes survey the room, bouncing from person to person until they land on me.

“Hey.” That high pitched voice is a reassuring sound, and every ounce of paranoia is pushed away.

“Tsu-” I can’t even make out the rest of her name as I sprint to her and engulf her in a hug. With my arms sealed tightly around her waist, I know she’s real.

“It’s okay. You didn’t dream me up. I’m real.” Somehow she knows exactly what to say. This girl- who I’ve only truly known for a few days- relaxes every part of me and makes me feel warm.

I can feel everybody’s eyes on us, so I pull away, my face hot with embarrassment.

“We’ve been hanging out after the thing that happened.” I explain.

“We can see that.” Miu snickers, sticking out her tongue at me.

“I, um…” Tsumugi clears her throat. She looks to me for reassurance, and I give her small thumbs up and a smile. That seems to steady her.

“Hi everyone. I’m just plain happy to see you all here, and I know you may have some grudges against me after the game. I truly am sorry for what I’ve done, but I hope we can all be friends since it was Hope’s Peak acting through us. I understand if you do not wish to be friends, and will respect your feelings.” She says, and I can tell she’s practiced saying this before. Her shoulders are stiff with anticipation.

“Nyeh, Tsumugi.” Himiko pipes up, sitting on Tenko’s desk and swinging her legs.

“Glad to have you back.” She smiles. I remember Himiko being one of the ‘survivors’, so I’m amazed at how quick she is to forgive her. I suppose since we’re all in the same boat, it’s so easy to understand one another. The tension is still apparent, sure, but everyday as the game is passed more and more into days and weeks and months ago, the more it sets in that it wasn’t us acting in the game. It was them. Fucking Hope’s Peak.

“Thanks Himiko.” She smiles. Gonta picks up Tsumugi and clusters her into a soul crushing hug.

“There it is.” Rantaro chuckles.

During schooltime, I can’t help but keep glancing over to the girl next to me. I’m beyond happy she wasn’t a dream. When our homeroom teacher isn’t looking, I pass her a note.

‘How did u know I thought I dreamed u up?’ I scribble. She writes something down and sneakily kicks it over to me.

‘We talked about the other night, remember? I’m glad you are ok :)’

‘That makes sense.’

‘:)’

I can’t help but grin at the way she draws a smiley face, with sparkly anime-style eyes and blush.

‘Oh yeah! I started playing piano again.’

‘Whaat! I'm so happy for you!’

‘I’ll learn like some anime theme or something for you. What’s that one you like? Death Notebook?’

‘YOU HAVEN’T SEEN DEATH NOTE?’

‘....no? I’ve only seen that one called Love Live cuz of all the cute girls.’

‘...that sounds very Kaede-like. Ok instead of roof time, we are watching Death Note.’

She scowls at me and turns her nose up in fake annoyance. Roof time. That’s cute.

‘What if we watch Death Note on the roof?’

‘Okay, that will be fine.’

‘Also I have a very important question about Death Note.’

‘What.’

‘Are there any cute girls.’

‘OMFG’

We stuck true to our word, and before I know it we’re atop the roof at our usual time of midnight. Tsumugi brought her laptop, and I can’t help but giggle at the fact that her wallpaper is some cheesy romance scene, from an anime I can’t put a name to.

While she’s setting up the DVD, I ask her something.

“Tsu, is it weird that we’re friends?” She frowns.

“Do you think it is?”

“Oh, no. I just… I don’t know. I feel like we kind of both needed someone there to fill the emptiness after the game, and you were just the first person I stumbled upon.” As soon as that comes out of my mouth, I realize how awful that sounded.

“Oh, god. That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry Tsumugi, I really do like hanging out with you.”

She looks a little hurt, and the CD she’s holding slips out of her hands.

“Ack!” She catches it at the last second and looks up to me.

“I just meant, ergh, do you like hanging out with me? I feel like I’m just annoying you.”

“Kaede, don’t be so insecure. I like that you’re the space that filled the void. I’m just surprised you like someone as plain as me to take up that space.”

“Now you’re the one being insecure.” She giggles, and the new comfortable aura that we’ve created ever since that night on the roof settles over us once again. She sets up the first episode of the anime finally, and we sit with our backs against the ledge of the western wing of Hope’s Peak we’re nestled in.

“We should really bring some blankets up here or something.” I whisper to Tsumugi.

“Shhh.” A brunet boy shows up on screen.

“Seriously, it’s going to be October tomorrow. It’s just going to get colder and-”

The bluette frowns and gives me a pout.

“Okay, okay.” I giggle, settling into the most comfortable position I can manage against the concrete, and awkwardly put my head on her shoulder. I breathe in her blue raspberry smell as we both exhale a soft sigh of content.

When I get to my dorm room at 3 in the morning, I’m surprised to see a girl sleeping in the bed next to mine atop mine, meant for my roommate. She has messy brown hair, but since she’s sleeping with her face to the wall, I can’t tell who it is.

I dimly wonder why she got here just now, but something in me suspects she was sneaking around the school as well. Her singular duffle bag is tucked respectfully in her closet. The whole room smells like chlorine from a pool.

When I wake up the next morning, the girl finally has a name connected to it when I see her in the reflection of the vanity in our room.

“Wait, you’re Aoi. Aoi Asahina, right?” I ask, waving from a respectful distance away. She finishes her hair into an amazingly anti gravity high ponytail.

“Ah! I know you!!” She grins. She holds out a hand, which I shake.

“Aoi Asahina! Er, you already know my name. But nice to meetcha! I know you're famous but to be honest I forgot your name.” She giggles. Her energetic vibes is putting me in a good mood.

“Kaede Akamatsu.” She nods, and writes that down on her hand with a marker.

“Kay-ay-day Akamatsu. Got it!” She reminds me of Kokichi, somehow. Just the bounciness and energy of her personality.

“That’s so cool you were in the olympics.” I confess as we walk towards our two classrooms.

“Yeah, it was pretty fun! Although they only had yellow gatorade, which is super gross.” She complains, fiddling with a donut keychain hanging from a chain on her duffle bag.

“You think that’s gross? When I played at this theater in Texas, Bass Concert Hall or something like that, the aftershow party had this gross american barbeque stuff.”

“Bleh. I’ve been to America alot for competitions, and every time I go the food gets grosser. I always end up missing Japanese cuisine SO BAD.”

We’re approaching my classroom, and I see the idol girl, Sayaka, waving Aoi over.

“Bye Aoi!”

“Bye Kaede! By the way, you can call me Hina!”

I give her a thumbs up and go inside.

“Who’s that?” Tsumugi asks me once I sit down.

“She’s my new roommate- You don’t recognize her?” I gape.

“...Should I?”

“Girl, she was in the Olympics last year. Aoi Asahina?” She shakes her head.

“I don’t watch sports stuff.”

“Neither do I, but I at least watch the Olympics.” I laugh, pushing her lightly on the shoulder. She smiles weakly and faces back to her paper.

“How are you?”

“Fine.” I frown. There’s a loud groan from the other side of the classroom, and I can already tell from the laughter someone is trying to do tricks in Kokichi’s wheelchair again.

“Are you still upset about what I said yesterday?” I ask her, trying to break past her hard exterior. Last night ended fine, after we watched the first five episodes we hugged goodbye and went back to our rooms like normal.

“No…” It hits me why she’s upset.

“Are you jealous of Hina?” I laugh. Her face turns pink and I know I hit it on the mark.

“I’m just scared you’ll like her better.” She confesses. Her glasses fog up on the sides, and it take all my energy not to laugh.

"Remember how you made fun of me for being insecure?" I tease, reminding her of last night.

"Yes..."

"Remember how I, then, made fun of you for being insecure?"

"....yes..."

"Therefore, we should not be insecure about our friendship?"

"I guess you're right." She smiles, giving a small shrug. An anxious look still crosses her eyes, and I give her a small half-hug.

"Yeah, I know I am."