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Chanhee doesn’t know what he wants to eat. Technically he already had dinner so he might go for something light, but then again it’s not every day that he gets to go to this fancy restaurant, especially not when Inseong is paying. He was about to make his second cheese toast when the older boy called saying he’s on the way to the campus residence to pick him up. Apparently he forgot to inform Chanhee that he already made plans to have dinner with him and another friend tonight, but it didn’t matter since Chanhee didn’t have anything going on anyway.
He scans the menu as Inseong talks to his friend on the phone, but something Inseong says catches his ears.
“Inseong-hyung, your friend’s name is Juho?” Chanhee asks as soon as Inseong hangs up.
“Yeah, didn’t I tell you?”
“You only said he’s your junior from your previous university and that he just got here yesterday.”
“Ah… yeah, his name’s Juho. Juho-hyung for you. And he’s almost here, which is great because I’m starving!” Inseong picks up the menu in front of him and asks, “Why? Do you know anyone named Juho?” When Chanhee doesn’t answer he puts the booklet back down to look at the younger.
The reply comes slowly, hesitantly. “I… used to.”
“In Singapore?”
Chanhee shakes his head, his eyes lowered to the pages of the opened booklet. “Korea.”
“I thought you left Korea when you were really young.”
“I did. It was a long time ago.”
Fourteen years ago to be exact.
“Chanhee, what’s wrong?”
Chanhee didn’t realize it had been so long.
“Juho-hyung, I’m scared.”
It was an important day. He had been looking forward to it for so long but when the day finally came, he wasn’t so sure anymore. He was hiding in a small storage room where the beddings are kept when Juho found him.
“Why are you scared?”
“I’m scared they won’t like me.”
“But they already like you, that’s why they are coming here to pick you up. And you like them too, right?”
Chanhee nods.
“So you don’t have to be scared. Your mum and dad will love you and you are going to be so happy with your family. You just have to remember to be good, okay?”
Chanhee nods again. “Juho-hyung, can’t you come with me?”
“No, I’m staying here. But maybe you can come visit me sometimes! I heard Jiyeon-noona said your family’s house is not far.”
Chanhee had been to the house before. It felt far. But maybe to grown-ups it’s not. “Can I come here on Children’s Day?” Children’s Day is Chanhee’s favourite day because they get to do fun things and receive gifts and snacks.
“Of course! Maybe we’ll get to go to the zoo again next time!”
Oh Chanhee would like that so much. He can come here again to see Juho-hyung and everyone, and maybe they will go to the zoo! He feels happy now.
“Would you like that?” Juho looks happy too.
“Yea.”
“Me too. Now let’s go! You family is coming and you cannot wait for them here.”
Chanhee takes Juho’s hand. “Okay.”
He never went back. Between settling into his new home and starting first grade he didn’t spare a thought about going back. He didn’t forget the pack he made with Juho though, but when Children’s Day arrived his parents had already planned a full day of activities for them – for him – and he didn’t want to let them down.
Soon after that they had to move when his father was transferred for work and by that time he understood the concept of geographical distance enough to know that taking the plane means they’re going somewhere really far, so he buried any thoughts of seeing Juho again as he manoeuvred though schooling life in another country.
It was only when they moved yet again when he was sixteen – this time to his father’s hometown which is even further away from Korea – that he thought about making the trip to visit his first home and finding Juho. But he found out that the orphanage ceased operations just a few years prior, and even with his mum’s connections and contacts they couldn’t get any information on what happened to the children. A search for ‘Juho’ on Korean social media didn’t produce many results, and none of them were the right age. Chanhee had to accept that waving goodbye to Juho as he left in his parents’ car that morning many years ago might possibly be the last time he would ever see the older boy.
It had filled him with an ineffable feeling of loss and regret.
And now those feelings return, but with an unwelcomed accompaniment. Chanhee scoffs to himself. Does he really think he would meet Juho here? In Calgary of all places? He’s no longer the kid he was fourteen years ago. He knows this sliver of hope trying to find its way between his stubbornness and doubts is unfounded.
But still…
“Do you think this could be the same Juho you knew?” Inseong interrupts his internal debate while picking on a bread roll, unaware of the significance of the name of his friend.
Chanhee just shakes his head slowly, silencing the ludicrous part of him that hopes for it, the part that believes that fate is on his side this time. “I really don’t—”
“Oh he’s here,” Inseong cuts him off, “Juho-yah!” he calls out towards the restaurant’s entrance while standing up. Chanhee watches him smiling at his friend who’s undoubtedly making his way towards them, and he feels his chest tightens in anticipation.
He has no reason to be nervous. This is surely not the Juho that he knew. He’s just Inseong’s friend who happens to have the same name. But he can’t bring himself to turn around to see, and when the guy comes around their table to greet Inseong Chanhee is still rooted to his chair, with his face turned away towards the table. This won’t do. He should get up, introduce himself, maybe apologize for being weird—
“…Chanhee. Hey Chanhee? You alright?”
It was Inseong who called him, but when he lifts his gaze from the table Chanhee finds himself looking into an unfamiliar face. This person is tall, as tall as Inseong. His black hair falls over his eyebrows in a neat, fluffy fringe, giving him an overall soft look despite the sharp angles of his face. This is far from the image of cherubic Juho from his childhood.
But there is a question in the eyes that are gazing back at Chanhee, a question that is probably reflected in Chanhee’s own eyes. He wishes his brain doesn’t tune Inseong’s voice out, because now he can only stare dumbly and observe without context as Juho’s expression changes from mild puzzlement to surprise and then to… joy?
“Chanhee.” The deep, husky voice is foreign to Chanhee’s ears, but there is familiarity and wonder and something close to relief in the way his name is uttered, and suddenly he sees it; fuller cheeks, messy bangs, rectangular spectacles. And the same warm smile.
He found him.
“Juho-hyung.”
“Juho-hyung, do I have a family?”
It's raining and thundering and Chanhee always finds Juho when the thunder is loud. He remembered that Minhyuk is scared of thunder too but Minhyuk doesn't live here anymore. He left yesterday to live with his family. He looked so happy.
Chanhee wishes he has a family too.
“Of course you do. You just haven’t found them yet.”
“How do I know when I find them?”
Juho doesn’t say anything. Maybe he doesn’t know the answer because he had not found his family too. Maybe he wants to sleep. Everyone else is sleeping. Chanhee closes his eyes and tries to sleep, but the thunder is really loud. He feels like the floor is shaking. He moves closer to Juho and closes his eyes harder.
“I think…”
Chanhee opens his eyes to listen to Juho.
“If you love them, and they love you, and they are kind to you and make you feel safe, then maybe they are your family.”
He tries to remember if he had found anyone like that.
“It can be anyone?”
Juho nods. “Yes.”
Suddenly the thunder booms so loudly that Chanhee closes his eyes again and covers his ears. Then he feels Juho hugging him so he hugs back and hides his face in Juho’s shirt.
Chanhee thinks that maybe tomorrow he will ask Juho if he can be his family too. But for now he only hopes that Juho will not let him go.