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The bedroom felt empty without him.
There was a half empty cup of coffee on the nightstand, and his glasses, perched precariously on top of an open book, sat exactly where he left them a week prior.
The once vibrant blue silk sheets of their bed had become a dull gray.
The damn bloodied Captain America trading cards were scattered on the floor where she’d thrown them the night before while screaming till her throat ached.
Everywhere she looked in the cream colored bedroom reminded her of him, and he was gone. What once felt like the brightest day of summer, with all its warmth and joy, now felt like the coldest, dullest day of winter. This room once made her feel the peace and contentment only a warm cup of hot chocolate on Christmas day could offer. The pictures on the walls, the Captain America figurines, the books littering the space made it home, but now with a Phil Coulson shaped void in the room, it felt like an unknown space. Because in truth, it was never the pictures, or the stuff that made it home. It was him. He was her home, and now she was in exile trying to find her way without him.
Because that was the deal wasn’t it?
Love comes as a package deal with pain and hurt. She never believed the whole perfect happily ever crap. Her own parents were a testament that even marriage could have an expiry date. But she made an exception for Phil. She always had. Because with him, she actually believed that maybe they’d reach the end. Together. But oh boy, was she wrong. Everything ended. And they were no exception to that.
So when the end came knocking unexpectedly and took away her everything, all that was left was the bittersweet memories of soaring above the clouds and falling in love in the best ways possible when she's left alone again.
May supposed that's why they called it falling in love, because falling always felt like flying until you hit the ground and shattered every bone in your body. She fell for him head first. She knew the world of hurt that it could bring, but she didn’t care. Not when that gave her the undivided love and attention of Phil Coulson. She would gladly go through pain for him, and where’d that leave her? Crumpled on the floor, paralyzed from the blinding pain of losing him.
It was strange waking up to the quiet. She was so used to hearing his husky morning greetings in her ear, the soft padding of his feet on the hardwood floors, or the steady sound of his breathing against her neck.
But now she was alone. No whispered declarations of love, no sound of his socked feet padding on the floor, no breath tickling the back of her neck, no Phil Coulson.
She was sure in time she’d adjust. But for now, as she burrowed deeper into the duvet pressing her tear-stained face into his pillow, it stung.
The day passed swiftly and soon the sun was beginning to set once more. The orange hues of the sky reflected onto the floor from the open window of the bedroom. May followed the light rays with her eyes until her gaze landed on a piece of paper half under the dresser in front of the bed.
She had no strength to stand and pick it up, but curiosity got the best of her, and she trudged towards the dresser and plopped down on the floor next to it. She stared at the piece of paper as she twisted the fabric of the sweater she wore between her fingers.
The paper itself looked worn and old as if it was crumpled and forgotten after it was written. Its corners were ripped swiftly. It could contain anything- a note? maybe an old grocery store receipt she forgot to throw away.
May stared at the paper for a few more beats and opened it.
“Melinda,”
Her heart stopped. She immediately closed it again and let it fall to the ground in front of her.
“Melinda,”
It’s funny how seven letters could reduce her to a spiraling mess, head spinning, memories of every single time he said her name all jumbling together.
“This is a surprise, Melinda. Things didn't work out with the shrink?”
A flash of tangled limbs and scraps of red cloth.
“I- you mean everything to me, Melinda. ”
Bright blue eyes staring down at her.
“I love you, and only you, Melinda.”
A promise, snow, and Christmas lights overhead.
“Melinda! wait please-! I’m yours. I’m sorry-“
An argument, a wall, and a kiss so passionate they never let go.
“Will you marry me, Melinda?”
A diamond ring glistening under the warm glow of the fire.
“Melinda , forgive me. Please.”
A God.
“you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love you , Meli- “
A scepter.
And a broken promise of forever.
“Melinda,”
She let out a shaky breath. God why did he have to do this? A letter? Damn it, Phil Coulson. Her hands were trembling now. The letter shook in her hands. Oh God… Her eyes were already burning with unshed tears. Small droplets fell on the piece of paper.
Her heart was being ripped to pieces again. It’s the heavy feeling in her chest weighing her to the ground, the sudden weight on her left hand brought by the diamond ring on her finger, and the burdensome paper on her right. It’s the ache in her throat caused by an imaginary lump that was formed from trying to contain her screams and cries. Her voice, hoarse from the sobs that haven’t stopped coming out of her mouth.
“Melinda,”
It was too much, everything was too much. Her name written in his handwriting was too much, and yet it wasn’t enough. It never would be. She wants to cling onto the paper, the last thing he’d ever address to her, but at the same time burn it and get as far away as possible. Reading it would make everything feel too real. Reading it would mean acknowledging that he was gone. And she isn’t ready for that. She never would be.
But he would want her to read it. To know what he wanted to say to her.
So with a heavy heart, and acidic tears running down her cheeks, she reached for it and opened the letter.
“Melinda,
It’s, well, I have no idea why I’m writing this. That’s weird right? Suddenly writing something for you with no specific purpose in mind? God. it’s I’m in bed right now, beside you. You look so peaceful. Have I ever told you how adorable you look asleep? You scrunch up your nose a little bit whenever you move, and you smile a bit when you snuggle into me. You’re such a cuddler, it’s cute. It’s funny, we’ve been married for so long, friends even longer, but I could never tire of watching you. You’re absolutely breathtaking, Melinda, and it never fails to make me wonder how a dork like me got lucky enough to have someone like you. I love every single part of you. The way I could get lost in your eyes forever, how soft your hair feels when I run my hands through it, the way your smile never fails to make me happy, the way your eyes light up when you see a cute dog on the street or when you see little kids running around, the way you fit perfectly in my arms, the adorable way your face scrunches up when I do something stupid, and most importantly, how you’re the last person I see when I sleep and the first when I wake. I’m never going to stop thanking whatever God is up there for bringing you to me, and letting me share my life with you.
Tomorrow we’ll be heading to the carrier, and it’s an understatement to say I’m terrified. This is some alien crap we haven’t faced before and well- it’s nerve wracking. I mean What if something happens? For the first time in a really long time I’m not sure if we could do this, and the mere thought that there’s a real possibility that either of us won’t come home scares the shit out of me. And this time it’s not just us at stake. We have more to lose now, so much to live for, so many dreams we haven’t achieved, milestones we haven’t reached, and Jesus, Mel. I can't imagine my life without you. It’s 5 in the morning now, you’d probably be awake already if it weren’t for xiao bao zi*. The most I can do is write it down. I can't pronounce it for the life of me. I can’t wait to meet her (or him, since you always say they’ll be a boy). I’m so lucky to be building this future with you, Love. When this is all over, after we save the world and come back in one piece, maybe we should take a holiday. Maybe Tahiti, like our first vacation- or maybe we can stay in and binge all those horrid romcoms you pretend to hate. Either way, I want two weeks uninterrupted time with my gorgeous wife and our little bun. You’ll probably never read this, but if you do, I love you Melinda May-Coulson. Always and forever.
love, Phil”
Tears cascaded down her face as she finished the letter. It made everything so much worse. She’d felt numb before reading it, and now all the emotions were coming back to her full force. Her chin quivered as she dropped a hand to her still flat stomach. He would have made an amazing father. He’d pamper the child with so much love and affection, given them everything he had and more. But now he wouldn’t get the chance, and it was just her and their unborn child.
All their dreams came true when that little white stick came back with two bright blue lines. Suddenly they were talking about which cribs to buy, which names sounded nice with “Coulson,” which Captain America halloween costume to find, etc.
Before it all went to hell, late at night, she’d hear him speaking to them. Hushed whispers of love, babbles of various missions they went on, and anything else he could think of. And for that short while, everything was right in the world. They were happy, their careers were constantly going uphill, and they were having a baby.
But that was then, this is now.
The stars were out now. Small twinkling lights shining brightly against the dark blue sky-
She whipped her head to the direction of the door when she heard something creak. Heavy footsteps were echoing throughout the house. Should she fight? She was certainly in no position to stand, much more defend herself, so she waited.
The footsteps grew louder until the bedroom door was quietly pushed open.
“Melinda,” the man’s usually gruff voice was unusually soft.
“Nick,” hers were quiet and hoarse.
“Melinda what are you doing? Come on.” He walked closer to her and held out his arm. She stared at it for a moment and made no move to grab it.
“What-“ her voice cracked, “what do you want, Nick?” Her voice was muffled from the tears rolling down her face and her stuffed nose. She dropped her head to her knees and continued to cry silently.
Fury squatted down in front of her, his eye unusually bright. He hated seeing her like this. She was one of the strongest agents he had, and seeing her helplessly crying on her bedroom floor pulled at his heartstrings. He put his hand on her shoulder, feeling it quake with her silent sobs, and took a deep breath.
He got a tissue from his pocket and handed it to her before saying, “Phil’s not dead, Melinda.”
Her head snapped up, her glistening eyes begging for him to explain.
“It’s called project T.A.H.I.T.I. We brought him back, and we need your help.”
Just like that, a seed of hope was brought back to May.
And maybe, just maybe this wasn’t their end after all.
*xiao bao zi - little bun*