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Zoya has been waiting for this moment for a long, long time
But she changed her mind.
From the very morning of that day, the staff was bustling back and forth, annoying her with their excessively enthusiastic behavior. People were repeating “everything has to be perfect”, that “surely this event will be the greatest of the century”. They believed it would be the beginning of a new Ravka. She couldn’t argue with that. At least in their dreams and plans, it was supposed to be like that. Unfortunately, Zoya knew that recently anything wasn’t going the way they would hope. Worries followed her like a nightmare shadow.
Squaller had many sleepless nights behind her, which in addition intensified her annoyance. She spent hours thinking about setting up guards to protect the princess and her king. She wanted to organize it perfectly without any victims. She wearied Tolya and Tamar with her never-ending orders. Zoya saw their tiredness, but she could do anything for them. There was enough big burden on her own shoulders. They couldn't let Him destroy everything. Not again.
Darkling was guarded every day and night. They didn’t let him do anything without permission. Despite this, Zoya was always alarmed and tense. She didn’t let herself even a minute of the break. It wasn’t the proper time. She was ready at any moment to protect the king from the damned Starless one. Darkling had so much fun seeing her anxiety whenever he was around. Even with new power, she didn’t receive more confidence in his presence. The worst thing was that she would gladly hear praise from him. About who she managed to become. How big progress she made. And that terrified her most of all. He knew about it and relished it.
Zoya wandered around in the Grand Palace looking for the king. Proud and cold like always. Unfortunately, royals’ chambers were empty. In this situation, she was forced to visit every nook and cranny of the Palace. Tiredness was flowing through her veins, the comfy and warm bed was calling and tempting. Why this stupid man had to give her more work to do than it was necessary? Fortunately, he was found already in the third-place she checked the throne hall. But there was another person with him, which turned out a big surprise for Zoya.
She looked at Ehri’s smiling face. They were talking together like old friends. The king apparently was pleased with her presence, because unlike past days his face was bright and there was no sign of worries. That was a strange experience to see him like this. Deep down she was relieved anyway. Still, something inside her tightened when she was observing them.
When her feet were heading toward the hallway Nikolai’s eyes find hers. His smile momentarily faded but didn’t disappear
“Well, well, isn’t that my magnificent general? I had been going to find you before I got attacked by this pretty lady” he pointed to the figure of Ehri. At this gesture, she flushed, giggling behind her hand “ And due to that, I had to stop searching.”
Zoya tried to keep straight face, even though something inside her twisted at his words. This is what she wanted, right? This was what she had been striving for so long. It was she who made the list of potential wives for her king. Then why did she feel this way? Robbed of something that didn't belong to her anyway. Eventually, she cleared her throat, driving away those stupid thoughts. She greeted Ehri with a nod, focusing again on Nikolai. As usual, the man looked impeccable. The golden hair reflected the sun's rays that fell through the windows. He had royal signets on his slender fingers. She remembered how cold they had been when Nikolai touched her cheeks with his hands. He stared at her with a tenderness so well known to her. A tenderness that she both hated and desired. She smiled wryly.
“I did not want to disturb, Your Majesty. We can discuss some issues later. It can wait a moment longer. And now, if I may, I will no longer interrupt this exciting conversation” She bowed and turned toward the exit. She couldn't stay there any longer. The vicious thing inside her only deepened with each glance at them. She heard Nikolai's voice behind her but didn't stop. Despite all these negative feelings, she felt satisfied and hoped that maybe he would be happy in this marriage. Even if she was destined to be alone. Though it wasn't anything she didn't know before, the pain remained.
For a few more minutes she could feel his piercing gaze on her back, even though she was already far away from him.
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She was sitting in her chamber, checking the reports that Tolya had provided her a few hours before. She sipped slowly the tea brought by the servants and was basking by the fire of the fireplace. The cool evening was slowly drawing to a close. After meeting Ehri and Nikolai together, Zoya consistently bypassed the king by the end of the day. Anyway, she had already discussed everything with the rest of Triumvirate and the Heartrender siblings, so she had no reason to additionally take his time, which he could spend in better company.
Fatigue slowly cast a shadow over the squaller. Zoya rubbed her eyes lightly and put the papers aside when she heard a knock on the door. She adjusted her kefta, brushing off invisible specks of dust. Before she could say anything, Nikolai was standing already in the doorway. Two servants appeared behind him, carrying a large chest into the room. Zoya stared at them without a word, too surprised at what she saw. When the chest landed in the middle of the room, Nikolai sent the men away.
“You should wait for the invitation. I would be naked or just fuck with someone?” Zoya asked irritated, her arms crossed over her chest. She walked slowly to the chest.
“Straightforward as usual. Well, I guess it would become really good gossip” he said with a huge smile and spread hands. His immortal enthusiasm further compounded Zoya's weariness. She put her hand on top of the chest, looking questioningly at the king.
Nikolai, despite such a late hour, was still bursting with his typical energy. His clothes were different from the one she had seen him in earlier that day. The disheveled shirt showed a muscular chest. She tried with all her strength not to look in that direction. His hair was messy and spiked in all directions. At this point, he looked like a little farm boy who had come back from playing in the field. Laughing and out of breath. Still beautiful.
The man encouraged Zoya to open the chest, and when she reached for its lock, she had the impression that he will soon start scream from excitement. She rolled her eyes and finally opened the brought chest.
There was a beautiful dress inside. Despite the darkness in the room, it shone with silver and navy blue, attacking her tired eyes. She gently pulled out the creation to get a better look at it. Ignoring Nikolai's stupid faces, she walked with it to the light of the crackling fire.
The dress gently fell to the ground, it was perfectly tailored to her height. Her navy blue contrasted with the shimmering silver threads that spread chaotically along the length of the outfit. The sleeve of the left arm, unlike the other arm, extended all the way to the wrist of the hand. It also sparkled with silver. The dress immediately associated Zoya with only one.
“It looks like a stormy sky” said Nikolai quietly “When I saw it for the first time, I immediately thought of you” She dared to look on his face. His crazy smile faded, leaving only a shadow of it. Zoya was speechless, she was just staring at her king in complete silence. Her eyelids burnt.
“Don't look at me like that, you know I'm not very subtle” he chuckled, staring down at his hands. Zoya looked again at the gown in her hands. She could feel those shameful tears gathering in her eyes. She tried her best to keep them from reaching her cheeks, that’s why she remained silent.
The material of creation seemed to be made from the sky itself. Zoya knew it was just her imagination, but she wanted to believe it was true. She ran her fingers slowly over the silvery embroidery. At this touch, the power within her tickled her senses.
“If you don't like it, I'll be happy to take it. I think I would look gorgeous in it” he said it with a huge smile, but Zoya noticed that disappointment in his eyes at the thought that she might not like the dress.
“In this dress, you would have all the Fjerdans in your hand. They would fall at your feet and display a white flag immediately” she replied with a raised eyebrow. The tears still struggled to escape, but by that moment she had already controlled them. Nikolai replied with a soft laugh.
“The dress is really beautiful” she said softly. Nikolai was an excellent actor, but Zoya knew him well enough to look for all his emotions in his eyes. There was so much in them. There was so much she wanted to know. The tears came in a new wave, and the woman quickly shifted her gaze to the dress.
“However, I don't understand for what occasion it might be useful to me. I hope you don't plan any marriage for me” She put her gown down in an armchair by the fireplace. She leaned against the little table and turned her face towards him again.
“Oh no, that’s your job” he sat down heavily on the chair opposite Zoya “Anyway, I value my internal organs too much. I don’t want to lose any of them.” he winked rakishly.
“Then what do I need her for?” When she spoke aloud those words, the purpose of the dress hit her. She silently cursed her stupidity when she heard Nikolai's soft reply.
“I figured, being my general, you must also shine at my wedding like I d” Zoya swallowed as silence fell between them. “My wedding”. It felt as if these two words had just gotten to them. As if they just realized what it means. The pain that had haunted her for a long time reappeared. She tried to keep a straight face, but with each second the wall she was desperately trying to hold around her delicate heart started crumbling. The words that tried to break free hurt her more and more. She was silent, afraid of the sound of her voice. Nikolai was the first to break the horrible silence.
“Zoya” he said softly getting closer to her. She hadn't even realized when he got up from his seat.” You know there is no situation without a solution for us. Just say a word and I wil-”
“Stop it” she whispered hoarsely. The sadness inside her was mixed with the anger that crept up imperceptibly. He had no right to tantalize her with sweet words “You know that after what you are about to say, there will be no turning back. So stop it. You are a big boy and I know you are aware of the consequences and power of words” she said, her voice still weak, but slowly, new energy began to fill her, wiping away all the tears. The wall began to rebuild again. It was supposed to be like that and will remain so.
Nikolai did not intend to hide his feelings anymore. She saw him for the first time as if he were an open book. He wanted so badly to get it off his chest, but he understood what Zoya meant and agreed with her. They were burdened with unspoken secrets and promises.
The Squaller sighed loudly and picked up the storm gown again. She walked over to Nikolai, handing him the beautiful creation. The dress was divine. Zoya felt it belonged to her already. She didn’t expect that handing it to him would be so bitter. The power inside her weakened as her fingers stopped grazing the delightful navy blue. He knew that this wedding is painful for both of them, he tried to make it up to her.
“The dress is perfect Nikolai” Zoya admitted “but I can't accept it. I have to be vigilant during the celebration. I'm not gonna play stupid dress-up. Kefta will be enough. Someone has to make sure that no one hurts your pretty face” she patted his cheek with a mocking smile.
I will miss those moments just between us.
Other unspoken words that had to be hidden forever.
“Cold and proud as always” he said sadly. He took her hand in his and squeezed it gently, still pressing his cheek against her fingers. An unwanted blush burned Zoya from within.
“At least you finally admitted I'm pretty. I would prefer the word "handsome" or "phenomenal", but I understand that you do baby steps” He brought her hand to his mouth, brushing his lips against her palm. She could read the surprise in his eyes when she let him make that gesture.
Finally, he let go of her hand. She felt a chill as his warmth left her.
“I'm glad you and the little kingslayer started getting along. A little longer and maybe she won't want to stab you in your sleep anymore” she cleared her throat, taking his attention away from her unwanted blushes. He sat down in the chair again, gently placing the fabric of the dress on his lap.
“You made me charm her, so I did. You know I love to follow your orders” he winked at her with a sad smile “I won’t hide that I still have many plans in my life and it would be a pity if one princess would destroy them with her lust for murder” Zoya nodded, listening to every word.
“You forgot to mention that you just don't like to lose” she added with a raised eyebrow. To her relief, the mood between them began to return to normal. Still, they both felt as if the sky was slowly falling on their heads. As if seconds were separating them from the end of these pleasant and intimate moments between them.
“I would be lying if I denied it” It was as if his gaze was trying to get in her head and tear those stupid and naive words from her. He was so desperate to hear it from her that the sight of him almost made do that. Almost.
He waited, but in vain. She could give him anything. Army. Money. A world to conquer. But not that. That was too much.
For the sake of Ravka.
He said he didn't want to take any more of her time. They both put on their old masks, and their true feelings were lost. Because that's what they were. Actors. Liars with the back against the wall. They had to play their roles because they saved them from suffocating and dragging others with them. Because this play required more actors. And they all had something to lose. The happiness of the two of them seemed like a small reward compared to the damage they would have done by doing so. Nikolai started to leave, but when he reached the door and grabbed the handle, he froze. He said something under his breath with a sad smile, thinking that Zoya won’t hear it. He was wrong. She heard it perfectly. And it almost destroyed her.
“I wish it were you tomorrow by my side, my ruthless Zoya”
And he left. And the wall disappeared with him.
Zoya sat down on the ground, her sobs filling the silence around her.