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Izuku Midoriya is alone.
Izuku Midoriya has always been alone and always will. It is the truth he carries in his heart and one he knows well.
He's alone in the way that he doesn't see his mother often, he's alone in the way that he's friendless.
He's alone in the way that people refuse to talk to him, he's alone in the way that nobody really cares for him.
He's alone in the way that he's lonely.
He used to be alone because he was quirkless. Everybody used to be afraid that they'd catch his quirklessness somehow, they refused to touch him.
Now they beat him, and he hates that he's grateful, because even if it hurts, they're touching him.
They're touching him and he relishes in the bruises they give him. In the warmth of another human.
He doesn't see much of his mother anymore, she's never really home, always working or out in general.
He knows that he makes life harder on her, all the uniforms and books that need to be replaced. He knows it can't be easy to raise such a useless child, one everyone knows won't do anything in life.
Doesn't mean he's not bitter though.
Doesn't mean that the loneliness and hurt turn to hate and disdain.
Doesn't mean he doesn't miss her, even though they live together.
It's whatever, he knows that he has it good. He has a loving mother, and people can't tell he's quirkless just by looking at him. There's nobody to complain to and he hates himself just a little more when he feels like complaining.
There are children with abusive parents and he feels like whining just because he feels a little alone?
pathetic.
He's 9 the first time he thinks about suicide. It's instantly dismissed, the terrifying dark and silence scares him too much to think about it.
But it keeps coming back, pervading his mind with poison sweet words.
How his mother wouldn't need to work so much.
How he wouldn't feel so hurt
How he wouldn't lonely
and by the time he's 12, he's made a plan.
He's got the note.
It's only addressed to mum.
He leaves it on the desk, knowing it'll be a few days before she'll find it.
Leaving his All Might infested room for the first time in two days feels awful and amazing.
He goes to the top of his apartment, having snagged the key a few days earlier.
It's nice.
But still
He's alone.
The stars are his friends in that moment, and when facing the pitch black sky and bright spots, he hesitates.
So he decides to wait. Just an hour.
An hour passes and nothing happens, no sudden phone call, no hero to save him.
He can feel tears gathering in his eyes, making no effort to wipe them away , he steps toward the ledge.
This is it.
He just needs to take another step.
One more.
One fucking step.
His tears are going off the building and he wants to join but he can't fucking move.
He's so useless that he can't even kill himself.
A sob bursts out of his mouth, tears and laughs mixing as he lays down.
"why can't i do it"
"WHY"
He's still sobbing 20 minutes later, knowing that there's no point in moving.
he just wants to die
but he's so afraid, afraid of leaving mum and afraid of what might be after.
that's all he is. afraid. useless. a waste of space.
crying starting to die off, he gets up. dusts off his pants.
Walks inside and right back into his All Might infested room.
Right back where he started.
He's 14 now.
He hasn't done anything like the roof thing since that night.
He keeps the letter in his box of badness, as a reminder that he can only count on himself. The only other things in his box is a spider lily and a photo of him, his mum and his dad.
It's been a bad day, he can't focus, constantly getting wrapped up in his imagination. He knows he shouldn't, that he can't keep doing this. Thing is, he knows it doesn't matter what he does. Best he's ever gonna do is get a job at somewhere like McDonalds or something like that. He's aware that he's either smart or stupid, depends on how he's feeling.
It's only when Kacchan tells him to kill himself does he truly snap back to awareness. He wants to feel surprised, but all he feels is a drop in his stomach. The smell of burnt flesh brings his attention to his shoulder where a hole is residing along with red and burnt skin. Sighing he goes to fish the notebook out of the pond, knowing it'll probably end up in the badness box.
Once out of the classroom, he briefly considers heading up to the roof and showing Kacchan what it's like to lose your dreams. But he doesn't, as usual the fear taking hold of him at the thought of jumping off a building.
He thinks he has trauma, but he also knows it's unfair to kids with actual trauma to really think he does.
So he doesn't. Even if the thought slips out sometimes.
The sunny day makes him grimace, the sun hurting his eyes as a result of him looking at a bright screen in the dark.
He spots an underpass, noting that it'll probably be away from any lingering people. Something he actively peruses.
Then something explodes and he's drowning, choking on green-grey liquid being forced into his mouth and nose. He can't move, he can't think, all he can do is mindlessly claw as darkness permeates his vision, everything growing hazier as he loses his breath. Right before he passes out, he swears he hears a "DETROIT SMASH".
He wakes up to a stinging cheek and vomit pouring out of his throat. Bile and tears forced out of his stomach and eyes as his body gasps for more air. Half lidded eyes gaze at his savior, All Might.
Wait.
ALL MIGHT?!?
ALLMIGHTALLMIGHTALLMIGHT
Freaking out, Izuku almost misses the question "Are you okay citizen?"
Babbling yesses and thank you's, he nods frantically, eyes widening "Please sign my notebook!!"
Except there's already a signature, and he can feel tears welling up in his eyes, and more thank you's come out of his mouth.
Bowing, he hears All Might saying "Well, I need to take this guy to the police. Seeya on the other side of the screen.!"
And just like that, he's about to take off.
So of course, like a total useless idiot, Izuku jumps on him right as he jumps.
He's warm.
Really warm.
It's nice.
Until All Might tries to get him off, and he has to remind the #1 pro that he'll die if that happens.
They land on a nearby building, it's grey and there's a door into the inside, Izuku distantly notes.
"That was extremely reckless, young man. Now I really must be going, ask the residents to let you in." All Might says in a stern tone, and Izuku can just feel his stomach caving in.
But he won't stop.
"Please! I need to know!
Can someone quirkless become a hero!?"
All his hopes and dreams, riding on this man. The person who he's always looked up to, the person he's always wanted to be.
Since he had his eyes closed, he didn't notice the white smoke until they opened. There's a frail, gaunt man in the middle of the smoke.
"EHH??? AN IMPOSTER??"
"wha - no kid. Look, y'know how people suck in their gut to make them look better? That's what this is basically. Anyway, can you be a hero without a quirk? Even with a quirk, I still had extensive damage to me." He holds up his shirt and Izuku can see that horrible scar. "So can I say that you can become a hero without some power? Sorry kid, but the answers no. If you're still determined to help people though, maybe try being a doctor or police officer." With that, All Might walks through the door and down to the ground. And Izuku is just standing there. Shell-shocked. Broken.
Fuck.
Fuck.
FUCK.
He lets out a chuckle, mixed with a heaving gasp. Everything that happened, him almost dying twice and Kacchan's words along with All Might's words.
The ledge looks pretty tempting. So Izuku takes off his shoes. He puts them by the ledge. He sits by the ledge, contemplating. He doesn't really want to get up. He doesn't really want to go down either. He doesn't want to move, or think or even exist.
That's it, he'd figured it out.
He doesn't want to die, but he also doesn't want to be alive.
Oh well.
The blue sky and white clouds make him want to get to shade.
Explosions ring out, which means that Izuku should investigate. Since it's the first thing he's wanted to do since he sat down, he decides to do just that.
keeping at a leisurely pace, he arrives at the scene. Which is where he sees the slime villain and Kacchan.
Fuck.
Nobody's doing anything, so he does the only logical thing. He runs at it and throws his bag at it.
dumbass.
He doesn't do anything, and heroes berate him. blah blah blah, he knows the drill and he can feel his stomach sinking deeper.
Eventually he walks off, tired of heroes in general at that point.
Kacchan storms over, screaming about not needing help. Bitch.
Then All Might pops over to give him his quirk.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.