Work Text:
“As soon as a man is born, he begins to die.” Doyoung audibly reads off of your Philosophy homework. “What a pessimistic view about life” he snarkily comments as you get up from your napping position on the living room couch. “Welcome back. There’s dinner left on the table,” you say while gently pushing your brother away from looking at the laptop screen. Doyoung straightens himself up and starts to move to the dining table, muttering a soft thanks.
“But you know, medically speaking, if we consider ‘beginning to die’ as the point in our life when our cells’ death rate is faster than them getting replaced, then we technically start ‘dying’ at around 25 years old.”
Doyoung stops and turns to look at you. “Wow, when did you grow up and become that serious? That’s Philosophy homework, no need to get so worked up with hard facts” he teases but the fondness in his eyes betray his tone. You chuckle but decided to tease back. “Speaking of 25 years old, aren’t you 25? Tell me, does that scientific fact feel true?”
An annoyed expression crosses his face but it’s gone before he even gets into playful banter. Doyoung simply turns back in what seemed like resignation, ending your conversation by saying that he won’t argue with science.
Once Doyoung has disappeared to the other room, you’re left staring at the direction by which he went -- completely confused as to why your brother responded that way. “Maybe he’s just tired from working overtime today”, you think to yourself. You shake off your thoughts and continued with your homework instead.
Eventually, you moved to your room to continue studying while Doyoung stayed to watch TV in the living room. The night was progressing quietly when suddenly you hear your brother shout. “WHAT? SAY THAT AGAIN” You ran out to the living room and see your brother talking on the phone. “YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED?!?” he frantically says. Doyoung then notices you looking panicked at the side, which makes him soften his voice then quickly ends the call.
“Uhm, everything okay?” you start softly. “Ah, I just got too excited. You know Kun, right?” he says with a sheepish smile. “Yep! 1/3 of the eggheads.” Doyoung looks at you through narrowed, threatening eyes. “Fine, fine, sorry. One of your best friends since high school, why?”
“Can you believe it? He’s getting married to his ‘college sweetheart’. Well, not immediately since he just proposed…” There was a slight pause followed by a change in his features, the reason for which you can't seem to figure out. He looks back at you with a smile, walks to you, and pats your head. “I know he’s your cutesy crush but sorry he’s taken”, he plasters on a grin as he gets in your face.
“AAAAAH, Doyoung!” you slap his hand away but a small blush has already crept on your face. “That was when I was still in high school. I don’t have a crush on him anymore, tsk. Besides, Kun’s like family already just like Ten. I mean, see! He already shared his engagement news with you.” A soft smile appears on your face as you continue, “Exciting, isn’t it? I’m happy for them.”
“I am, too!” he replies with a faint smile. “Oh really? Then why is your smile so fake?” is what’s in your head as you watch him continue. “Wow, seems like it was just yesterday when the three of us were all so tired and stressed from readings, exams, and org life. But now, one of them is getting married while the other one is traveling everywhere…” he trails off.
“Eh?” You watch his eyes turn down as he moves around you, making his way to his room. “You’re not going to bed, yet? Get some rest already. I don’t know about you, but I need to be early for work tomorrow.”
Wait, Doyoung. He taps your shoulder as a form of saying good night. “Make sure you won’t be late to class!”
Why have I only noticed it now?
“Oh! But if you hear my alarm and it keeps ringing and you start getting annoyed, barge into my room and force me out of bed! I really can’t be late.” He keeps talking as he walks towards his room, yet you remain standing frozen on the same spot with one image occupying your mind and thinking “Since when did my brother learn to put out fake and forced smiles?”
A few weeks have passed since that incident and the two of you went on with your daily lives. You didn’t bring it up with your brother but you’ve been quietly observing him over that time. The more you do though, the more you realize that you miss his genuine smile.
You were quietly making your way out of campus one day, with your thoughts set on finding a coffee shop that’s not too crowded to study at when someone slings his arm around your shoulders. “Why do you think the ‘App Store’ is called like that?” the owner of the arm says. You stop to look at the man behind the voice, but that was unnecessary since you’re sure who the guy was anyway. “What?” he says as you look at him.
“Hi, Jeno” you deadpan. “Ooh, so cold. Your answer?” he pushes on with a smirk. “Because 'app' is short for application?” you decided to humor him. “Really? I thought it was because ‘App Store’ is short for ‘Apple Store’” he says with a triumphant grin.
You give him an unamused look which elicits a chuckle from him. “Hmm… something's going on with you today. You alright?” he asks, voice laced with concern. “I’m just thinking. I mean, one more year and we graduate college. It’s nothing”, you reply dryly.
“Wow, that was unexpected.” He drops his arm from your shoulders and stands to directly look at you. A confused look takes over your features, and a smile plays on Jeno’s lips as he continues. “You’re not usually filled with doubts. I’ve known you since freshman year and you were always settled with all your plans and how you’ll be achieving them. So, this is something new coming from you… I was just surprised.”
Somehow, that shook you out of your thoughts and you finally managed to give a smile. “I’m still sure about things, Jeno. But my brother…”
“Doyoung? Why? Care to share?”, Jeno kindly offers. You think it over for a while. You’ve known Jeno since the start of college and you’ve been close ever since, so no harm could be done, right? But then again… “Maybe next time? Sorry, my mind is still really messed up about it”, you smile apologetically.
Jeno skeptically looks at you for a few seconds but his expression eventually softens. “Okay, I won’t force you. If you want to share anything, I’m just here. I hope it all goes well with your brother”, he says as he smiles until his eyes form crescents. You can’t help but smile back when you saw how genuine he is. “Thanks, Jeno. I’ll tell you soon. I’ll even treat you to food, then.”
His eyes open wide with shock but quickly shifts to a teasing look, “Hey that’s a promise, right? No take backs! You owe me a story and some free food.” In a happy mood, you give him your word about it and tell him that you have to go. “Alright. Catch up with you soon. Be safe!” Jeno says as he waves you off.
A few blocks from campus, you luckily find a coffee shop without many customers inside. After ordering, you make your way to the back part of the café and settled at a table by the corner. The table next to yours was unoccupied when you passed it but there was a cup of coffee, an empty plate, and an open sketchpad there.
You sat down in your spot and started to take out your books, but you caught a glimpse of the sketchpad and began to stare. Despite the limited view, the heavy marks made by charcoal drew you into the page.
“Like it?” a voice catches you off guard. “You can keep looking. I can even lend it to you for a bit”, they continue. You were about to apologize to the sketchpad’s owner, but you were left speechless when you turned and saw who it was. The owner moved to sit down and continued talking.
“You know, charcoal seems to be an easier medium than the usual graphite pencil for me. I can sketch more freely! But maybe that’s just preference.” The sketchbook is picked up and handed to you. “Browse through! Might help you relieve stress. That’s a lot of things to read through”, the owner says while gesturing to your books.
“TEN?!?” you stood up and exclaimed, loud enough that the few people in the café looked in your direction. “Uhm, okay. Now everyone knows who I am. Nice bumping into you, huh?” You feel your cheeks heat up and you sit back down, taking a sip of your coffee. “S-sorry. It’s just—” you hear him laugh while you struggle with your words and you feel more embarrassed by the second. “Calm down, it’s just me”, Ten smirks.
“Wh-why?”, you start. But you feel Ten’s playful aura and no, nothing ever goes well if he has that aura. “Calm down because I feel like you’ll choke more when Kun gets here,” he teases and you feel redder than before. You turn away from a still smirking Ten, cursing him in your mind while thinking “Why did my ever-talkative brother Doyoung spill that to them anyway. And Ten taking the opportunity to annoy me with it too, tsk.” Ten nudges you from the side with his sketchpad “I’ll stop teasing. Here, a peace offering.”
“I don’t want it anymore. I lost interest. And FYI, I don’t have a crush on Kun anymore” was your cheeky reply. “Oh yeah, Doyoung did say you let it go when you knew Kun got a girlfriend. You’re so cute.”
You sigh. “Oh hey, you’re meeting Kun. Are you also meeting my brother?” you ask, removing the annoyance in your tone. “Ah no. We invited him but he said he’s not available. Man, I thought we could go drinking but we ended up at a coffee shop. Maybe we can just go out next time when the three of us are together.” He nudges you again with the sketchpad, “Last offer?” You take it and started to flip through.
“Sorry I ran late!”, Kun hurriedly says. “It’s okay, I didn’t get bored. But I think I distracted this person here. Looks like a heavy study session”, Ten says as he taps your shoulder. “Hey! Wait, Doyoung can’t come so he asked you to go instead?”, Kun asks.
“No, no. This was a chance encounter, I promise. I didn’t even know Ten’s back from traveling already”, you hand back the sketchpad to Ten with thanks. “By the way, congratulations! My brother told me you got engaged”, you turn back to Kun. “Thank you. I hope Doyoung will make himself available on my wedding day, hmm? It’s hard to get a hold of him these days. I think he’s making himself too busy at work that he’s lacking a social life.”
“Hmmm, are you even inviting him out? You guys lose out on your social life without me here, huh?” Ten teases. He receives a playful slap from Kun, “Annoying! I do invite him out by the way. He’s the one declining even on weekends. Wait, let me buy something first.”
Kun leaves to order then suddenly Ten surprises you, “HEY! Someone’s spaced out.” You snap back to reality and say a small sorry. You try to start reading your books but a thought bugs you “Since when did my brother lose interest in his social life? He’s never absent from meeting with these two.”
When Kun returns, he immediately starts catching up with Ten. They don’t bother you since you’re busy studying, but you can’t help listening in on them especially when they started to reminisce about their college days. You tuned in more when they start mentioning your brother Doyoung.
They recall how Doyoung is the outgoing friend who will always end up taking care and looking out for everyone. But because of his soft nature, he ends up being teased a lot. Still, Doyoung doesn’t harbor ill intentions against them whenever they play those games. They mention how they were so sure someone would always accompany them when they’re hungry or bored because Doyoung would willingly go with them. Doyoung may be more of a homebody, but he’d still go because according to him, he wants to be a supportive friend.
You suppress a smile so as not to give Kun and Ten a hint that you’re eavesdropping. But you just can’t help being fond of your brother’s kindness and how endearing he is to his friends. The next thing you hear from your brother’s best friends was how they miss their jamming sessions or even just going to karaoke and belting the stress of exams out. They can’t hurl insults at each other, though, since they’re all talented at singing. Even Doyoung who wasn’t present at the moment was praised by the two for the notes he can reach.
* S N A P *
Something inside you breaks. I haven’t heard Doyuong singing lately. No, it’s been quite a while since I last heard him sing.
“You okay?” you hear Kun’s voice.
“Hey…” Ten lightly shakes you.
“Huh? What?” you answer confusedly.
“Don’t tell us you’re reading a tragic love story over there”, Kun starts. “Huh? All I can see are numbers and equations. I would cry too if that was me”, Ten unhelpfully adds.
Cry? Too? You touch your cheek and quickly wipe away the tears that you didn’t know were falling. “S-sorry” you mutter, turning away. “What’s up? I know it’s not about what you’re reading. Your eyes are too distant” Kun slowly says.
“Love life issues? Did you get rejected? Did someone break up with you? What? I’ll hunt them down”, Ten offers. “Can you stop?” Kun interjects. “Sheesh, just trying to lighten up the mood.”
“Does your brother know about this?” Kun is still kindly offering to listen to you. “If that’s about love issues, then I don’t think this kid here will tell Doyoung. To us, that guy’s already too protective. What more for his only sibling?”
“Ten, can you please think before you speak? This doesn’t feel like it’s a love problem.” Ten scoffs before replying, “How would you know? You never went through a breakup, Kun.” Kun stares wide-eyed at Ten and was about to hit him when you finally found your voice. “Can you two please relax? This isn’t about a love or relationship problem. I’m not in that part of life yet”, you softly say.
“I told you it's not relationship problems”, Kun beams. “And so? Did you figure out the reason behind the crying?”, Ten snaps back. An annoyed Kun replies with “You haven’t changed, you annoying little – “, he gets cut off when you chuckled. “Meanwhile, my brother changed a lot. I haven’t been hearing him sing lately, you know – AT ALL.”
You feel Kun and Ten’s eyed trained on you. You looked up and saw their shocked expressions and you responded with a sad smile. “Sorry. I kind of overheard your conversation and I just suddenly missed my brother.” Your phone vibrates and you immediately start fixing your things. “Ten, Kun, it was nice seeing you again! But I have to go, I didn’t notice it got this late already and Doyoung’s looking for me. Take care!”
Kun watches you leave while Ten dials on his phone. The other end picks up and Ten flat out just says “You crazy ass. You’re making your sibling worried”, and then hangs up.
You arrive home and find Doyoung sitting on the couch, looking intently at you. “I-I’m sorry for coming home late. I didn’t notice the time”, you try to calm him with apologetic eyes. “You met up with Kun and Ten, huh? Ten called me right after you left the café”, he then sighs. “Anything you want to tell me?”
You stay there frozen, suddenly embarrassed in front of your brother. After minutes of silence, Doyoung stands up then tells you that there’s dinner on the table and that you should eat.
“No smile?”, you mumble. “Huh?” Doyoung tries to clarify but you don’t respond. “I didn’t catch that, you said it too softly. What was it?” Your head is down and your hands tighten into a fist. Doyoung lets out an exasperated sigh, “We won’t get anywhere with anything if you don’t speak up.”
“What? You don’t know how to smile anymore?”, you blurt out as you look Doyoung directly in the eyes. “I—” he starts. “The answer is no! Since when? I don’t know because I only realized it lately. I know full well that you’re taking on such heavy responsibilities for the both of us and I can’t do much as the younger sibling but at least tell me if it’s getting too much!”
Tears are threatening to fall from your eyes but you press on. “But I don’t think it’s because you’re tired or stressed. I mean, when you were in college you were also extremely busy BUT back then, I’d come home to a smiling you. You used to always excitedly ask me to eat dinner and then smile at me but now, not even a trace of that!”
Doyoung grabs your shoulders, trying to steady you as he says “Wait. Let me—” You cut him off, with your voice rising as tears start to fall “YOU’RE NO LONGER EVEN SINGING OR AT LEAST HUMMING, DOYOUNG! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU?” Doyoung pulls you into a hug, his hand gently stroking your hair as he tries to calm you down. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”
“You’re not happy anymore”, you manage between sobs. “Why?” Doyoung just hugs you tighter and whispers a string of apologies. Once you’ve stopped crying, he releases you and wipes away the stray tears on your cheeks. “Why don’t you put your things down and wash up first, change into something more comfortable. I’ll join you at the dinner table after.”
You look up and in after what seemed like a very long time, finally found that gentle smile on Doyoung that you’ve been missing.
At the dinner table, Doyoung was quietly drinking tea across from you while you eat. When you were about to reach for the pitcher to refill your glass, Doyoung beats you to it. “I was hit with envy from Kun and Ten’s stories”, he quietly says as he pours you water.
He sets the pitcher down and settles back in his seat, all while not meeting your eyes. “It’s just… looking back, we used to be on the same pace with everything. Back in high school, we went to the same club together, got scolded for coming in late together, even failing Math together”, a fond smile crosses his lips. “Then we took college entrance exams together, graduated high school, and went to college. We might have gone to different programs but we got stressed together, to the point that we decided to have our first taste of alcohol together”, he chuckles at the memory.
“But years after and –” he hesitates. You’ve finished eating and put things aside. Doyoung finally looks at you as he continues, “they went ahead of me.” He smiles through pained eyes. You blink once, twice – not understanding what he’s saying.
“Ten is traveling the world! He’s choreographing and dancing his way through to success. He’s still learning so much and growing… he has gone so far. He was brave to pursue a degree in performing arts and it’s paying off.”
“Kun is another amazing person. He’s about to settle down. He’s also financially stable to be able to do that if you think about it! He has a steady career in aviation, earning more than enough. His dream of becoming a family man is within arm’s reach.”
Doyoung looks back at you, searching for a reaction but you just stare blankly at him. The silence drags over a couple of minutes but neither of you breaks it. Well, how could you break it? What can you say? Do you even have the slightest clue how to respond to that? And so, you took the easy way out. Fight or flight? You chose flight.
But before you can even come up with a lame excuse to leave, Doyoung speaks out. “I’ll figure it out”, he reaches over to clean up and moves around to pat your head. “Sorry again for worrying you. Adulting things, I guess”, he ends jokingly.
You found sleeping to be hard that night. You toss and turn as your mind replays the things your brother has told you. You want to help. You want to say something, but what? How? With all the thinking, and since sleep probably won’t come anymore, you decided to just pace around the house. You eventually plop on the couch and stare at the ceiling.
It’s a Saturday. You’ll be stuck with your brother in the house since it’s a weekend. “Great, just when I thought I could avoid a conversation.” You look to the side and see the clock saying it’s 2:50 AM. “This is such a long night”, you think to yourself as you slide to lie down.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
You jolted awake when you heard the noises from the door.
“IT’S WAY TO EARLY FOR IT TO BE THIS NOISY!” You turn your head to where Doyoung’s voice is coming from. He walks out of his room and meets your eyes. “Why are you on the couch?” he asks with a puzzled look, but quickly turns to march to the door that’s being incessantly banged on.
“WHAT?!”, he grumpily opens the door for the unwanted visitors. “OH! You’re still alive. We’re intruding!” declares Ten as he and Kun make their way inside. “What are the two of you doing here?”, your brother asks through gritted teeth. “Just wanted to find out what’s worrying your sibling”, Kun apologetically answers.
“We already talked. I’ll fix it”, Doyoung says with a resigned tone. “Really now? Then why does it look like that kid slept in the living room, huh?” Ten accuses as he looks your way. “I don’t know. But why don’t you two leave so we can talk about it?”, Doyoung cheekily comments.
“Nah. Let’s eat breakfast first! We got you takeout, see. I got Kun to pay for it, too.” Doyoung just lets out a sigh and a thank you as he moves away from the door, surrendering to his friends’ tactics. “YES!! Tell us what happened while eating, come on”, Ten continues. “No thanks”, Doyoung sharply replies.
“DOYOUNG’S INSECURE ABOUT WHERE HE IS IN LIFE”, you blurt out. The three of them turn to you with wide eyes. You look down, embarrassed. Seconds pass by and in the silence, you’re just praying that your brother won’t kill you after this. It was impulsive, but maybe his best friends would know what to say since you don’t.
“This is why I’m telling you to hang out with me sometimes”, you hear Kun speak. You look up and see his arm slung on Doyoung’s shoulder. Kun’s expression seems to be that of an understanding one, with no hint of shock or confusion. Ten proceeds to invite everyone to the dining table, with a soft smile – no mischievous intentions behind it.
“You know, this isn’t the first time your brother’s like this. Back in college, he also thought about things like that sometimes”, Kun begins as you all start on breakfast. “But he used to properly tell us about it. Actually, he’s the one making sure that we open up whenever we had any problems but look at him being the silent one”, Ten side-eyes your brother. Doyoung just keeps quiet, as if expecting to get lectured by his best friends but will be accepting of everything anyway.
“So, what’s it about? Career? Love life? Hmmm?”, Kun playfully asks. “All of the above”, you bravely declare now that it seems like the two guys are willing to listen and be there for your brother. “Is it because of us?” Ten seemed to pick it up way too quickly, and Doyoung confirms by sinking in his seat. “Wow, Doyoung comparing himself to me feels like an achievement”, Ten continues.
“Get out of my house”, Doyoung shot daggers through his eyes. “I’m kidding! But remember how I used to compare myself to you, too? Like how you got your life so planned out, and how big you dreamed for you and this kid right here. I wanted to have that much vision and grounding”, Ten gives a knowing smile.
“Oh! I used to envy him, too. Damn, not only was he able to be on top of his academics while juggling a part-time job, but he is also such a campus crush”, Kun adds. “But hey, thank you for being such a wingman for me and my now fiancée”, he ends as he looks at Doyoung.
“Hey, listen. Everyone has dreams they’d protect at all costs and my dreams involved art, Kun’s involved flying and family. We had different dreams, Doyoung. And yours, if I remember correctly, is to protect a certain someone’s future”, Ten knowingly smirks and his eyes meet yours.
Protect someone’s future? MY future? You look at Doyoung and he has a fond expression while looking at you.
“We’re going after different things, Doyoung. And I say you’re doing just as fine as we are in terms of reaching our personal goals.” Ten ends off as takes another bite of his pancakes.
“Well, we won’t ask you to just get over what it is that you’re feeling. I know it’s easy to say how you should be but it’s actually going to be difficult to become as you’re told so give yourself time, but remember that we’re here” Kun adds. “Also, take advantage of Ten’s time while he’s here. Bug him”, he ends with a teasing grin.
“Ugh, I give up” Doyoung finally speaks up. He directs his next words to you. “And hey, before you think of stupid things like I’m giving up so much for you or whatnot, I’m already telling you to NOT THINK THAT WAY. I’m telling you now that my dreams include you in it until you graduate college and that’s my choice of a dream, okay?”
“Yes, I’ve been out of it lately. And maybe the exhaustion has made me think of those things but you guys make sense. We are moving towards different things, thanks for the reminder”, Doyoung smiles softly. He specifically directs a smile at you, too as he straightens in his seat.
It seemed as though the weight on his shoulders has lifted as he leans forward and starts babbling. “But seriously, the past months are HELL. There’s this intern that I’m supervising in the office, Haechan, and HE IS SERIOUSLY ANNOYING ME TO NO END EVEN OUTSIDE OFFICE HOURS! He needs to rotate out of our department already”, he lets out a groan. “He is exhausting to deal with and if he doesn’t go away soon, I might just get an indefinite leave until he finishes his required hours”, he lets his head fall on the table.
Kun and Ten start to laugh at the sides, softly at first but they eventually laugh out loud -- adding insult to injury. “See that wasn’t too hard now, was it?” Ten speaks up once the laughter died down. “No matter how small you think it is, if it’s bothering you, you can always just message us you know?” Kun reassures your brother.
You lovingly stare at the three best friends as they continue chatting and laughing. It’s amazing to see their friendship. But what fills you more with wonder is how they matured and became adults who can find the right things to say and navigate their way. Kun and Ten’s words might have been for your brother, but you know you’ll remind yourself of it ever so often.
The rest of the weekend went smoothly and on that Sunday afternoon, you suddenly heard soft music coming from Doyoung’s room, then his voice follows.
“You and I can connect anytime
I’ll respond to you
I found a place where I can feel comfortable
My home, my own
When I look at myself in the mirror
I feel my smile is always the same
Once again, we can be strong
We live in each other’s sunshine
My presence is natural and bright”
Your shoulders finally relax and you know that days will be okay again.
===== EPILOGUE =====
It’s the Monday after and you’re back in campus. You’re fixing your things when someone sits next to you, suddenly invading your space. “Looks like someone’s in a better mood. Things worked out?”
“No greetings first huh, Jeno?” you playfully say. “Then, HI!” he beams. You sigh at his action but smile brightly afterward. “You want to hear a story?” Jeno looks at you expectantly. “Sure! If you’re willing to share.”
“I owe it to you anyway. I promised to treat you, too, remember?” Jeno perks up and immediately stands, offering his hand. “LET’S GO!” You place your book on his open hand as you stand. Jeno sported a shocked expression that he quickly erased as he follows you out the room.
“I’m choosing where to go, right?” You smile at him and nod. He smiles back, puts an arm around your shoulders and steers you out.