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Lexa was settled into her couch in front of the TV, questioning her choices that led her to this moment, led her to having a mini Supergirl marathon. She had stopped watching halfway through the second season, it was a given that things would go downhill after the CW got its hands on the show. The first season was great, it was amazing, and Lexa was looking forward to at least a few more of that. But unfortunately, the worst of the worst networks got its hands on what was an amazing show, and well…it was worse than Lexa could have even imagined. The one good thing though to come out of all this, seemed to be Lena Luthor. And as far as Lexa had distanced herself from the show, Lena and Kara were enough to make her useless lesbian heart come back to it.
They’re never going to get together, Lexa thought to herself, and even if they do, one of them is either going to die or they’re going to pull a Desti- but her thought was cut short by the familiar ping and buzz on her smart watch, indicating a text. It was quite late right now, a little past one am, which meant the text could be from only person. Clarke, it had to be her best friend. So Lexa didn’t bother checking who it was on her watch, instead went to look for her phone which was…somewhere on…the couch. Only problem was that Lexa didn’t know where it was, it was on the couch somewhere, but there were a lot of other things on it.
It was Friday so that meant, Lexa got home from work, took a shower, and got changed into pajamas before slumping down into the couch for the rest of the night. She had gotten home a little later than usual, at seven, because she stopped to do her groceries – she usually did that on Fridays after work, it kept her weekends free. So after getting into an old, worn out t-shirt – that most likely belonged to her best friend – and a pair of boxer shorts, Lexa had grabbed a couple of blankets, and settled into the couch. Dinner was takeout, Chinese this week, while she turned on Supergirl and did her best to pay attention to the scenes that didn’t have Kara and Lena in them.
Finally digging her phone out of the couch, buried under a pile of pillows and blankets, she unlocked her screen. She paused the TV, twenty three minutes into episode fourteen of season three, as she looked at her screen. Yeah, it was a text from Clarke.
Clarke
1:02am
You reminf me of mac and cheese
Lexa tilted her head to herself – much like her puppy did when he heard a new noise or word – and narrowed her eyes. Anyways, where is the Hamilton right now? She wondered about the dog, chances were, he was asleep in his bed in Lexa’s room. Lexa didn’t want to make it a habit, but he was only ten weeks old – a rescue who’s mother died when he was born – and he needed a little extra attention. Right back to Clarke, Lexa could figure she was most likely drunk, it was Friday night after all and that was the only explanation to whatever that text was. Lexa had no idea what it meant and Clarke didn’t seem to want to elaborate.
Lexa
1:04am
…why
Lexa
1:04am
And how?
Lexa hit reply, shaking her head a little before setting the phone down and resuming her episode. But the reply came only a minute later.
Clarke
1:05am
I lobe mac and cheese
Clarke
1:05am
And I lov yuo
Lexa sighed, rolling her eyes but smiling nonetheless as she paused Supergirl again and began to unwrap herself from her numerous blankets and get up.
Lexa
1:06am
Where are you? I’m coming to pick you up.
Clarke’s reply came in about thirty seconds, Lexa having just pulled on a pair of sweatpants and hoodie over her pajamas. She was at their friend Raven’s place, who had thrown a party tonight to celebrate her promotion. So Lexa pocketed her phone, checked on the sleeping puppy in her bedroom, and grabbed her keys before heading out of the door. Clarke had to have been very drunk if she sent her location without any question, usually it was a lot of I’m fine, and you don’t need to come, and I’m not that drunk before Lexa got an actual answer out of her. It was a quick drive to Raven’s at this time, taking much less than the usual twenty minutes before she was pulling up in front of the house.
Music was still blasting from inside, cars and motorcycles parked on the street. Lexa scanned the outside of the house, trying to find a familiar face but failing. It was late, it was a surprise that there were still so many people here – okay, not everyone is like me and prefers to spend Friday nights in front of the TV. Clarke had said she would be waiting outside, but she was nowhere in sight, so instead, Lexa put the hand brake on and turned her engine off before pulling out her phone to send a quick text to Clarke to let her know she was waiting outside.
Yeah, Clarke did have a bit too much to drink tonight; the ride back to her place was quiet, Clarke practically falling asleep in the passenger seat by the time Lexa pulled into her apartment’s parking lot. Gently waking her up and helping her out of the car, they made their way to the elevator, Clarke leaning against Lexa to keep herself upright.
“So, how much did you drink tonight?” Lexa asked as they stepped into the elevator and she pressed the button for her floor.
“No idea.” Clarke slurred, “More than I should have.” She shrugged. “Raven throws gr…great parties.”
Yeah that was true, Raven’s parties were pretty epic, only Lexa wasn’t big on parties in general. She had been invited, of course she had been invited, they were all friends but Raven didn’t take it personally when Lexa said she wasn’t going to make it. At this point, she didn’t even have to give them a reason, just told her friends that she wasn’t going to be there, they knew she didn’t like parties. The better the party, the drunker Clarke got, and most of the time it was Lexa who got stuck with taking care of her. Okay, stuck with was an unkind thing to say, because Lexa didn’t mind it at all, Clarke was her best friend and she was the designated sober friend. Besides, Clarke was very entertaining when drunk.
Wordlessly, Lexa led Clarke into the apartment and towards the bedroom before sitting her down on the bed. Lexa made her way to the chest of drawers, opening it and getting a set of pajamas before returning to Clarke. “Get changed,” She told Clarke. “I’ll get you a drink and an Aspirin,” Lexa said, about to step away, “It’ll help with the hangover in the morning.”
“Thank you,” Clarke called out with a smile.
“Oh,” Lexa stopped as she stepped out of the room and poked her head inside. “Are you hungry, do you want some food?” She was hungry herself, it had been a while since dinner after all.
“I could eat.” Clarke nodded, already taking her top off to get changed into the pajamas Lexa had set down for her.
“Get changed and meet me in the kitchen.” Lexa flashed her a smile. “Aspirin and water will be waiting for you,”
Walking out and towards the kitchen, Lexa opened a cabinet to get a pot. Mac and cheese, she was going to make mac and cheese. Ever since Clarke mentioned it, Lexa had been wanting it and she was almost certain there were a couple of boxes of Kraft mac and cheese in her cupboards somewhere. By the time Clarke joined her, the pasta was boiling and the rest of the ingredients – if you could even call it that – were waiting on the counter next to the stove.
“Hi,” Lexa greeted, filling a glass with water and setting it down on the small dining table in front of Clarke. “Drink up.”
“No,” Clarke whined, making a face but picking it up nonetheless. “Don’t want water.”
“Drink,” Lexa stated, returning to the pot to check on the pasta. “Hungover you is awful to deal with,” She told her lightly, “Like morning you isn’t bad enough on its own.”
“You’re mean.” Clarke frowned, finally taking a sip of her drink. A sip that ended with her chugging down the entire glass. Okay, she was thirsty.
“I’m making you mac and cheese,” Lexa stated, watching as her face lit up.
Clarke nodded, watching as Lexa went to strain the pasta and return it to the pot. “Yeah, you definitely remind me of mac and cheese.” She told her absentmindedly, her words still slurring but not as much.
“Oh?” Lexa asked, pouring milk and the cheese powder into the pasta before mixing it.
“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, “I love mac and cheese.” She repeated what she had said in her text earlier tonight. “And I love you.”
Lexa froze for a moment, her back was to Clarke as a lump formed in her throat. They had been friends for a while, over five years actually, and somewhere along that time Lexa may have…started to…develop feelings for her. But well, Lexa also knew she had no chance with Clarke, it was more than just clear that Clarke saw her as nothing more than a friend. This was nothing, this was just drunken ramblings of her best friend, she had too much to drink, she was maybe feeling lonely and Lexa was the only person around right now. Which would have been fine if Lexa wasn’t in as deep as she was, she would’ve been able to brush it off and get on with what she was doing.
“Here,” Lexa choked out, returning with two bowls in her hands. “Carbs are going to help.” She did her best to keep her voice steady, this was the second time tonight that Clarke told her she loved her. God, drunk-Clarke was exhausting.
They ate in relative silence, Lexa keeping to herself and scoffing down the pasta faster than she should have but she really just needed something to do. Besides, she had dinner a good few hours ago and she was hungry. Clarke wasn’t talking much either, she was possibly too drunk to focus on more than one thing because the way she was looking at the bowl in front of her, it was like it was the most important thing in the world to her. Okay, that made Lexa smile, stifle a laugh actually at the concentration on her face, Clarke really did love macaroni and cheese.
By the time they were in bed, Clarke was rubbing her eyes and had sobered up – just slightly, at least her vision wasn’t blurry anymore. “Lexa?” Clarke finally spoke, her eyes red and tired, voice low and groggy, heavy with sleep.
“Hm?” She sat down on her side of the bed before moving further into it and under the comforter. Lexa was tired, all she wanted right now was to go to sleep because her brain was too exhausted from her day to keep up with whatever was happening right now. Hamilton was asleep in his bed in the corner of her room, but if the past few days were anything to go by, he’d be waking her up at 6am to go outside.
“Did you…hear any of what I said?” Clarke asked her, moving to lean back against the headboard of what was now her side of Lexa’s bed.
“About what?” Lexa joined her, her shoulder touching Clarke’s as she sat next to her.
Clarke gave her a blank look, questioning herself for a moment about whether or not she even said what she thought she had – she was really drunk after all. “About…the mac and cheese…?”
“You said you liked it-” Lexa shrugged, turning her eyes away from her.
“I said you were like mac and cheese to me because I love mac and cheese and then I said-”
“You love me.” Lexa finished for her, nodding slightly as she stared at her hands in the dark, picking at her nails.
Clarke let a beat of silence pass, watching her and waiting for a response because her heart was pounding. It was nerve wracking, it was a stupid text but it was out there now and yes, Clarke was still possibly a little drunk, but she still wanted to talk about it – there was no point in pretending it didn’t happen. Okay fine, maybe she wouldn’t have had the courage to say what she had if she wasn’t at least a little tipsy, it wasn’t easy admitting to your best friend that you were in love with them. “And…you’re not going to say anything about it?”
Lexa didn’t really know what to say, she didn’t want to get her hopes up in thinking this was for real, in thinking this wasn’t something Clarke had said just because she was drunk. It obviously was, it had to be because in all the years they had been friends, Clarke never showed any interest in her romantically. And she was drunk, possibly feeling alone, she wasn’t dating anyone, so obviously it made sense for her to come to the only person available. “It’s a cute way to say you love me.” She told her casually, her eyes wandering around her room and at anything that wasn’t Clarke.
“That’s it?”
“Maybe we can talk about this in the morning?” Lexa stopped her, looking at her with pleading eyes. “When you’re sober?”
Clarke let out an exasperated sigh, turning slightly to face Lexa. “I’m not saying this ‘coz I’m drunk.”
“Clarke.” Lexa let out a small breath, finally meeting her eyes, wanting her to stop because well, she had a feeling she’d just get her heart broken come morning. Lexa wasn’t good with feelings, she did her best to not catch them but despite her best attempts, somewhere along the way, she ended up falling for Clarke. And she knew she didn’t have a chance with her, so there was no point in getting her hopes up.
“I mean it.” She told her desperately, already leaning forward. “I do,” Clarke was closer to Lexa now, her face only an inch away from Lexa’s as she looked into her eyes.
Lexa didn’t move, she didn’t pull back, hell she wasn’t even sure what was happening because suddenly Clarke was closer than she had ever been, and Lexa could still smell the hint of jack and coke in her breath. “Clarke…” Lexa breathed out, feeling her heart pounding in her chest so loud she could almost hear it. Their noses were touching now, Lexa’s eyes fluttering and wanting to close as her lips twitched at the proximity. “What are you doi-”
But Clarke cut her off, her lips pressing against Lexa’s and stopping her question. It was almost desperate, it was hot and it was intense and Lexa’s brain was still playing catch up on what was happening. But she couldn’t pull away, she couldn’t do anything but kiss her back as her eyes slid shut; Lexa couldn’t help but admit she had thought about this countless times, had imagined what it would feel like. The nights they spent in bed together, the weekends spent on the couch wrapped in each other’s arms, Lexa would be lying if she said she never thought about what it would be like to actually kiss the person she had been in love with for who knows how long.
So Lexa kissed back, her lips moving on their own accord as she pressed harder against Clarke, wanting to make the moment last as long as possible. Her hands came up, one going to rest on Clarke’s hip as the other shakily came up to cup her face. But then her mind caught up to the moment, caught up to what she had been doing for the past few seconds and her eyes snapped open as she tried to move back. “What are you doing?” Lexa managed to speak, her voice low and strained, lips already swollen and wanting to do nothing more than kiss Clarke again. She knew she should have moved away, put more distance between each other but Clarke had a hand on the back on her neck and Lexa was weak under her touch.
“I love you,” She whispered against her lips, moving forward again so their foreheads were leaning against each other’s. “I love you and I don’t know how I didn’t tell you until now.” Clarke shook her head slightly against Lexa, lips trembling and eyes filling with tears.
“You have told me.” Lexa responded, speaking quickly, her voice matching Clarke’s as she did her best to keep it steady. “Several times.” Her voice was soft, eyes still closed as she let out a small shaky breath. It was true, Clarke had told her that she loved her, and Lexa had told her, they had been best friends for years, of course they loved each other but…Clarke never meant it like this, she never meant it as anything more than a friend. So why was it different now? Maybe because Clarke had just kissed her, A voice in Lexa’s head yelled at her, only to be quietened by the voice of reason, telling her it was probably because Clarke was drunk and alone.
“Not like this, never like this.” Clarke disagreed, about to kiss her again but this time Lexa pulled away completely.
“You’re drunk.” Lexa told her, her voice returning to normal as she tried to stop it from wavering. “Go to bed.” She tried, motioning towards the pillow behind her. “Please Clarke.”
Clarke gave her a questioning look, eyes worried and concerned that maybe she did something wrong. Maybe she just ruined it all. Maybe she just messed up the most important relationship in her life because she was drunk and had to say something dumb about…macaroni and cheese… Her mind was still blurry and swaying under the influence, and she was a little slow at processing the seriousness of what was happening and what she had done. “Lex?” She asked her a little hesitantly, the worry coming through her voice.
“Don’t worry,” Lexa gave her a reassuring smile, wanting to tell her nothing was wrong between them. “Just go to sleep Clarke, get some rest.” She waited until Clarke nodded, moving to lay down. “We’ll talk in the morning, I promise.” Lexa added, a soft smile on her face as she began to get up and off the bed.
“Wait,” Clarke stopped her as Lexa grabbed her pillow. “Where are you going?” She asked slowly, taking a second to realize Lexa was leaving the room. But…she never did that, they’ve spent numerous nights at each other’s places but they always slept on the same bed, they never had a reason not to.
“Couch.” Lexa tilted her head in the direction of the living room.
“Why?” Clarke asked, clearly confused.
Well the truth was, Lexa didn’t really trust herself right now, not after what just happened. She had been sitting on this exact feeling for a very long time, she had been wanting this for so so so long, and Lexa wasn’t entirely sure what she might’ve ended up saying or doing if she spent the night in bed next to Clarke. And well, Clarke could use some time alone to clear her head and think over what she did and what it all meant before having to talk to Lexa again. That was mostly because Lexa didn’t think Clarke meant it, only that she said it because she was drunk and alone and not thinking straight. “I’m in the middle of an episode.” Lexa gave her a small smile, moving over to Clarke’s side and kissing her forehead, “Get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning.”
Clarke didn’t have it in her to argue, or even question her again. She was too tired to do anything more than just fall onto the pillow and let herself drift off to sleep. Lexa let out a small sigh, content with Clarke letting it go and also glad that she could reassure Clarke that she wasn’t mad or angry about what had happened.
She made her way to the couch, before letting herself fall onto it and letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Her hand came up to her lips, the tips of her fingers brushing against them as she tried, once again, to wrap her head around what just happened. No, Lexa couldn’t believe it, couldn’t believe Clarke had just kissed her, it didn’t feel real yet, and she didn’t know if it ever would. But she knew it wasn’t for real, she knew it was just a mistake because Clarke was drunk and alone right now and Lexa was the only person around for her. She was going to be fine in the morning – fine as in come to her senses and either forget what she said, or realize it was just because she was drunk. She didn’t even turn the TV on, Lexa knew she wasn’t going to be able to pay attention to anything, she just made herself comfortable on the couch and eventually fell asleep.
.
“Lex,” Clarke spoke sleepily as she approached Lexa sleeping on the couch. It was still early, it was very early, a little past eight. Hamilton had woken Clarke up, yapping at a little past six and wanting to be taken out. She didn’t want to wake up Lexa, after what she put her through last night, the least Clarke could do was take her puppy out for her. “Wake up, please.” She hadn’t planned on waking her up, had planned on letting her sleep in, and well Clarke fell asleep too after coming back inside with Hamilton. But she woke up about an hour later, and after thinking about what had gone down last night, Clarke couldn’t wait any longer to talk to Lexa. She needed to know that everything was okay, that they were okay. Hell, Clarke didn’t even care about whether or not Lexa felt the same way – okay of course she cared but that wasn’t the most important thing right now – she just wanted to know they were okay.
“Hmm,” Lexa hummed in her sleep, stirring slightly.
“I made coffee,” Clarke said as she set Lexa’s mug down on the coffee. “And we need to talk.”
Lexa took in a deep breath, the smell of coffee hitting her and making her finally crack her eyes open. “Too early, Clarke.” She croaked out.
“Please,” Clarke squeezed herself on the couch next to Lexa’s waist. “Tell me we’re okay because I’m going crazy and I didn’t want to wake you up but I really need to talk to you.”
Lexa groaned, finally moving to sit up. She nodded at Clarke, they did needed to talk after all, and picked up the mug of coffee. Lexa took a small sip, humming contentedly as she pulled her legs into herself, making more room for Clarke to sit. “Yeah,” She said to her, taking another sip. “We should talk.”
Clarke looked at her with worried eyes, a lump in her throat stopping her from speaking, from saying what she wanted to. “Lexa I…” She started uncertainly. “Last night, I’m so sorry, I-”
“Didn’t mean it, I know.” Lexa nodded, clearly disappointed despite knowing she shouldn’t be. “You didn’t mean it,” She looked up from her mug and at Clarke, trying to fight the tears that wanted to fill her eyes. “It’s fine, you were drunk an-”
“What? No!” Clarke exclaimed, stopping her, taking a moment to even get what Lexa was talking about. “No, no, Lexa.” She sighed, moving closer to Lexa and putting her hands over Lexa’s that was holding the coffee mug. “I meant it, I meant it all.” She told her. “I was apologizing because…” Clarke chewed on her bottom lip, eyes getting teary. “This is not how I wanted to do it.”
“You meant it?” Lexa asked quietly, not sure how to even explain what she was feeling.
Clarke nodded, the tears now falling freely. “I meant it completely.” She told her. “I love you, I love you so much Lexa and…” She let out a sigh, looking down as her thumb gently rubbed the back of Lexa’s hand. “I don’t want to ruin what we have, Lex. I didn’t want to tell you like that to just…ruin all of this.”
“No,” Lexa shook her head, “No, no, Clarke not at all.” She lowered her head, catching Clarke’s gaze. “Clarke, look at me please.” She finally did, she looked up, her eyes red as tears streaked her cheeks. “Hey,” Lexa gave her a small smile. “Clarke I was worried last night because I thought…you were only saying it all because you were drunk.” She told her honestly. “Because…Clarke I feel the same way, I have for…so long but I couldn’t get myself to say anything because I didn’t want to mess this up.”
“Wait,” Clarke tilted her head, “You do? You feel the same way?” She opened her mouth to speak again but there was suddenly a set of paws on the hardwood running up towards them.
“Oh, hello.” Lexa looked down at the puppy that was standing on his hind legs to get up on the couch. “We’re in the middle of a very important conversation Hamilton.” She spoke to the dog very seriously as she moved to put her mug down and Clarke picked the dog up. “I’m very sorry about him, he doesn’t get it.”
“It’s okay, you’re cute.” Clarke said to the dog, scratching behind his ear. “I forgive you.”
“Can we go back to the start?” Lexa asked after a moment, her voice trembling slightly at the prospect of what she wanted to say.
“What do you mean?” Clarke looked at her confused, Hamilton licking her hand and asking her to continue petting him.
“I mean…” Lexa looked away, pausing and retrieving her coffee. “If we…both feel the same way…why don’t we…go for it…?”
Clarke nodded, she liked the thought of that but at the same time, there was some doubt there. “But what if it doesn’t work out?”
“Then…we hit rewind and go back to where we were.” That wouldn’t happen, it wasn’t as easy as that but Lexa didn’t want to think about them breaking up before even getting together. “Look,” She stopped herself, “We don’t need to think about it not working out, I don’t want to think about that.” Lexa told her. “If we both feel the same way, then we should think more about making it work, not what to do if it doesn’t.”
Clarke remained silent for a moment, thinking about what Lexa had just said. She was right, why should they focus on the things not working out when they were just talking about how they were both in love. “Okay,” She nodded.
“Then let’s go to the start.” Lexa repeated, Clarke still not knowing what that meant. “Let me take you out on a date.” She smiled at her, a small blush creeping up her cheeks – she was never good at asking girls out. “Dinner, a movie, whatever a date consists off.” She shrugged, “Just us getting to know each other.”
Clarke couldn’t help but laugh, “We already know each other.” She reminded her. “Better than we probably know ourselves.”
“Let’s do it again.” Lexa argued with an easy smile, reaching forward to pet the dog. “Let’s go out, let me take you out.” She told her. “Let me…show you a good time…”
“Is Hamilton going to be there?” Clarke questioned.
“Hmm,” Lexa thought to herself, mirroring Clarke’s fake-seriousness. “Only where it’s appropriate, yes.” She smiled at her, lowering her voice and speaking out of the corner of her mouth, “Because if it goes according to plan, there will be some inappropriate parts.” Clarke smiled at her, shaking her head. “So, what do you say,” She asked, “Wanna go out on a date with me?”
“Why, Lexa.” Clarke started. “I’d love to.”