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“Er...Ryder?”
Ryder jumped in his chair and swiveled to face the door of his quarters. It was open, and Jaal stood in the doorway, looking mildly uncomfortable. One hand was closed around something, and the other held a steaming mug. Ryder pushed his chair out from his desk and gestured for Jaal to come in. The door hissed closed behind him.
“Jaal, hey…” He scrubbed a hand over his brow, as if he could smooth away the furrows. He had been trying to ignore a migraine for a solid three hours now, and he had a lot of paperwork left to do. Paperwork was the worst part of being a Pathfinder.
He started to stand, but Jaal waved him away. He frowned up at the Angaran, who still looked fairly uncomfortable. “What’s...what’s up?” Ryder asked cautiously, eyeing him. “You look like you’re two seconds from sprinting out of here.”
“Lexi said you were...unwell. Asked me to bring you these.” He held out his hand and emptied his fist into Ryder’s palm. Two little red pills. Next, the hot mug. It was tea, warm and fragrant, some sort of herbal blend. He could smell lavender, chamomile…
“Ah--Thank you.” Ryder murmured as he closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in the warmth and holding the cup close to his face. “I know Anagarans don’t really...talk about illness. But I’m not ill.” He opened his eyes as he lowered the mug onto his desk. “Just a headache. It’ll go away when I take these.” He shook his closed fist, and the painkillers rattled around inside.
“I see.”
Silence.
Ryder raised an eyebrow. “So….”
Silence, still. Jaal was watching him without a single word.
“Um...why did Lexi send you? I told her I was going to come get the painkillers in a minute.”
“She said you would forget. Again. Because you have told her you would come get them from her three times tonight already.” Jaal clasped his hands together. As he spoke, he looked around him, at the disorderly state of Ryder’s desk, at the actual paper photographs decorating his walls, at the clothes strewn about the foot of his bed. “I was walking by when she stopped me and asked. I have been meaning to talk with you anyways, so I consented.”
“Oh,” Ryder glanced at Jaal before he popped the pills in his mouth and took a sip of tea to wash them down. He held the mug in his lap with both hands. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
“Oh, nothing in particular. It is just...you are always coming to visit me in my ’room,’ but I have never seen yours. I was curious.”
Ryder didn’t want to admit it, but he did turn a little pink. That was oddly sweet. “I would have cleaned up if I knew you were coming.”
Jaal shrugged.
Ryder chuckled. “Well, you’re always welcome to stop by. I don’t mind company. Although I don’t have...um,” he looked around, frowning, “another chair. I’m sorry. Wow. Actually, now that I think about it I dont think I’ve ever had someone else in my room, like ever.” He put a hand to his head and laughed, bitterly, “That’s sad.”
Jaal seemed to agree. He frowned too. “How very lonely.”
Now it was Ryder’s turn to shrug. He brought the mug to his lips and took another sip to distract from the fact that he was suddenly way more bummed out than he already was before Jaal come in.
“I could give you some company now, if you would like it.” Jaal suggested.
Without even thinking, Ryder quickly nodded. “Yes. Please.” He averted his gaze, off to the floor, “Um...if you want. Here, why don’t we just…”
The Pathfinder stood, set his mug on the desk, and grabbed his rolling office chair. He set it down in front of his bed and hastily picked up all the clothes that were scattered about, tossing them into his hamper in the corner. He grabbed his mug, an armful of datapads, and sat down on the edge of the bed. He patted the seat of the swivel chair and Jaal came to sit.
“I have to write some reports, if you don’t mind,” Ryder said, holding up one of the datapads.
“Writing, even with a splitting head?” Jaal asked, scowling. “Should you not be resting?”
Ryder sighed, but he tried to cushion it with a smile, even if it was half-hearted. “I’ll rest when I’m dead, Jaal.”
Jaal’s scowl deepened. “Surely you can rest before then.”
“It’s uh...a saying.” Ryder muttered as he fiddled with the datapad in his hands, “I’m fine, Jaal, really. I shouldn’t be resting right now.”
“Why not? Everyone else on the ship is. I was about to before Lexi stopped me.”
Ryder glanced up at Jaal, surprised to find that he was dead serious. He hadn’t expected it to bother him so much. Maybe the saying was a little...macabre, but still…
“I’ve got a lot to do. I fell behind on my reports. I told myself I wouldn’t sleep until I caught up on all of them.” Ryder gripped the datapad tightly. Jaal’s disappointed gaze was making his stomach turn. “I’m going to do it all tonight. Really.” He added quickly.
Jaal was somehow looking more and more confused by the second. “You sound defensive. You do not have to justify yourself to me, Ryder.”
Ryder sighed. “Yeah, I just...I slacked a couple days and Addison sort of snapped at me. I don’t want a lecture from you, too.”
“Ryder…” Jaal softened his tone and did his best to soften his expression as well, “I will not lecture you. I can see how hard you are working--how hard you work every day. I should praise you for your dedication.”
Ryder gave a grimace of a smile. “Thanks, Jaal.” He still didn’t sound like he believed him, and this made Jaal frustrated.
“You do deserve praise.” Jaal insisted.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“I mean, thank you.” Ryder grumbled, “Sorry. I just don't really feel like I deserve a pat on the back right now.”
Jaal looked almost offended, as if Ryder had just undermined his efforts. “Ryder, you are sitting here in the late hours, working through a headache while everyone else sleeps.” He moved his hands with exasperation, flinging them around as he spoke,
“You are constantly asking complete strangers how you can help them with even the smallest task; you give away your food and your supplies to anyone who asks, you put yourself in uncomfortable situations to negotiate for the relief of those who are hurting; you restore entire planets , create homes for people, take up your guns and fight when you are not even a soldier. How in the stars are you not deserving?”
Ryder was silent, staring at Jaal with wide eyes.
Jaal was frustrated. Frustrated that someone had let Ryder treat himself like this for so long. Did no one see this? Did no one see how little he valued himself? Or...did Ryder just never let anyone see? Behind his jokes and his optimistic shell, maybe it was hard to realize. Jaal hadn’t truly realized himself until just now. It made him sad,
“I...I’m sorry, Jaal.” Ryder muttered as he set the datapad aside. His voice cracked. When Jaal looked at him, he realized he was crying. Silently, tears rolled down his cheek. His chin crinkled with the effort of keeping his bottom lip from quivering. But the instant he realized Jaal was looking at him, he sniffled and wiped his tears away.
Unfortunately for him, they immediately spilled over again.
Jaal sighed. “Why do you cry, Ryder? Have I said something to hurt you?”
Ryder shook his head quickly. “No, no, I just...I don’t know. I didn’t mean for this. I don’t want you to worry about me, Jaal, there’s so much more important things we should all be focusing on right now.”
“There it is again.” Jaal groaned, and reached over, taking Ryder’s hand into his own. “You speak so poorly of yourself. Why?”
Ryder squeezed his hand, surprisingly enough, and even placed his other on top of Jaal’s. His hands shook, and held onto him tightly. “It doesn’t matter.” He grumbled as he stared down at their joined hands, “I don’t want to get into it right now. I’m tired.
The Angaran frowned, and his brow drew in. His heart ached for Ryder, because he could see this momentary crack in his armor, and he could see the pain he was keeping underneath, and because in truth, Jaal could see a little bit of himself in his struggle, and he knew just how much it hurt. Especially when you felt alone.
He moved out of his chair and onto the bed beside Ryder, who scooted over to accommodate him without a word. Jaal lowered his head, trying to meet Ryder’s gaze. “Ryder?” He said gently.
Ryder glanced at him, and immediately looked away again. But Jaal wasn’t going to give up.
“What can I do for you?” He whispered, “Right now. What can I do to help you?” He paused, and when Ryder hesitated, he added, “What do you want in this moment?”
Ryder took a deep breath, closing his eyes momentarily. He didn’t open them just yet, but eventually, he gave Jaal an answer. “A hug, please.” He said simply, “Just...a hug.”
Without hesitation, Jaal complied. He twisted a little uncomfortably, but did not complain, and tightly wrapped his arms around Ryder. He squeezed him, and Ryder’s own arms came up to meet around Jaal’s middle, and he squeezed back. Ryder rested his forehead on Jaal’s shoulder, and Jaal placed his chin over Ryder’s shoulder. Jaal could feel him shake as he cried without a sound again, and he smoothed his hand over his back. For a while, they sat there, angled awkwardly towards one another, until Ryder seemed to calm down enough to stop crying. When he drew back, he looked utterly exhausted. His eyes were red and puffy, and the sleepless creases beneath them were clearer than ever, but he was smiling.
“Thank you, Jaal. For the hug, and for talking to me. For saying all those nice things.”
Jaal smiled, too. “I meant every word, Ryder. Sometimes...we must hear them from someone else’s lips before we can start to believe them ourselves.”
If Ryder wasn’t so exhausted--and it weren’t so painfully true--he would have laughed.
"Jaal, your wisdom never ends."