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Slowly and silently, Buttercup gently laid her baby son down in his cot; watching with bated breath to see if he’d instantly wake up the moment he wasn’t nestled against his mother’s chest.
His little head stirred lightly, but he inhaled deeply, a small sleepy sigh escaping his lips, and he didn’t move. She exhaled with relief. Finally, he was settled. He’d been taking so long to get to sleep at the moment; she was finding it so hard to soothe him. At least that’s how she felt.
Quietly as humanly possible, she clipped her nursing bra back up and flattened the baggy shirt she was wearing. The corners of her mouth curved up as she watched him, spread out like a tiny little starfish, his chubby hands in tight little fists, chest rising and falling, rising and falling.
How could she have made something so perfect? How could they have? Considering how imperfect they’d been. She frowned, not wanting to dwell on that. On him. She couldn't help it. Every time she looked at her baby son, inevitably she thought of him; his father.
He looked so much like him. Thick, spiky black hair; and way too much of it for a five month old baby - everyone always commented on how much hair he had. And his eyes, a shade of green darker than hers, but not as dark as his. Somewhere in between them both.
And he just looked like him. It was a constant reminder, and it made her chest hurt. Because she missed him. She missed him so much she ached for him.
She missed him and she loved him and she hated him.
It was too much to handle at times. Carefully, she took the pale green blanket of Jay’s, and laid it over his legs, tucking it at the sides to ensure he didn’t kick it over his head - he was a very fidgety sleeper. Just like Butch. She felt that same stab in her chest as she always did, and swallowed hard, trying to push the thought to the back of her mind.
On her bedside sat the baby monitor unit; she made sure it was on and took the remote one, before slowly hovering out of the room, pushing their bedroom door to behind her.
Mitch was sitting in the living area; the clunky old laptop they shared sat on his lap.
“He sleeping?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the screen.
“Mhmm.” Buttercup murmured, sitting down beside him. “Finally. He’s really struggling at the minute. And so are my nipples.” She said as she rubbed them momentarily.
He smirked, looking at his girlfriend briefly. “Well, they are like magic. To Jay - and to me, I have to admit.”
She thumped him on the arm and he snickered. Then her eyes were distracted by what he was searching on the laptop. “Job hunting still?”
He grunted in response.
“Any luck?”
“Not really.” Mitch replied. “I mean this job looks good,” He hovered the cursor over a job title. “It’s more than what I’m on now - but it’s night shifts.”
“Oh.” She said a little listlessly, rubbing at her eyes tiredly. Mitch’s brown eyes noted the dark rings under hers, and how pale and exhausted she looked.
He didn’t like working nights. It meant she was alone a lot. And right now, given the state of mind she’d been in - he didn’t want her alone so much.
It also meant she was looking after Jay mostly on her own. At nights he was working 10 hour shifts picking and packing in a warehouse - working all the hours under the sun he could to save towards a deposit for a house for them. Right now they were in the apartment they shared, which had originally been his - which was fine but it was a one bed, and it was quite a small one bed at that; and with all the things that came with a baby they were pretty cramped. He wanted to buy them something bigger. Working nights meant during the day he was sleeping for the majority of it - leaving her on her own for a few hours once again.
She wasn’t completely alone; she had her sisters. But Bubbles had just joined a popular production company in Townsville, pursuing her career in dance since leaving university; and Blossom had not long started Medical School, which left them both pretty busy with their own stuff.
But they were there for their sister as much as they could be; just like Mitch was.
Especially as she was struggling. She was a new mother - and she was finding it all pretty difficult to cope with. He forced himself to believe that was the main root of her problems - and that it had nothing to do with her ex.
Mitch was doing his best. And he was doing a damn sight better than he was, Jay’s actual father. But they didn’t speak about that.
The man had shown his face once or twice during Buttercup’s pregnancy - then appeared back in Townsville once since he’d been born to meet him, presumably - and Jay was five months old now.
His upper lip curled in disgust at the thought of Butch Jojo. He detested him. With a passion. He’d been so relieved to hear he’d left town. He hoped he never came back properly. Visiting was enough. The less Jay saw of him as he grew up the better, in his opinion.
He didn’t need someone like him in his life. He had Buttercup. And he had him.
He just wished Buttercup shared that sentiment. They never spoke about it, but he knew she thought about it all a lot; about him a lot. He wished she wouldn’t. It crushed him, to know Butch still lived in her head rent free.
It had been over a year now, but he knew she wasn’t over him. Having not long had his child hadn’t helped matters.
He’d hoped him up and leaving Townsville would have helped, but he felt like it made her pine for him even more. Which was the main reason Mitch felt it was best they never saw each other.
He didn’t need to worry about him when he didn’t live in Townsville at least. And she’d not long had a baby; her hormones were still all over the place. Things would get better. She’d get over him eventually.
Mitch sighed, clicking off the job title he’d just shown his girlfriend. “I’m not going for another job that is nights, regardless of the money being better. I need a 9-5 or something, so I can be here to help you with the difficult bits.”
Buttercup smiled warmly at him, resting her head against his upper arm. “Well, it’d be nice but, do whatever you’d prefer. Me and Jay - we're doing okay.”
He glanced down at the top of her raven head. She was struggling. He knew she was. He’d seen it in her eyes; heard it for himself from her babbled words on her worst nights. She’d said things that had broken him in two to know she felt about herself, about their situation.
It was devastating to know she was hurting so much; he felt helpless to help her.
But he did what he could.
“You’re doing amazing with Jay.” He insisted, and she smirked slightly.
“I’m trying.”
“No,” He said firmly, curling a finger under her chin to tilt her head up to look at him. “You’re doing amazing.”
She grunted a thank you in reply before he kissed her on the lips, then sighed once more. “I better get ready for work.”
It was 9.25pm; he started work at 10pm. She nodded as he got to his feet and headed for their bedroom. “Be careful not to wake him.”
He nodded back silently and crept into the bedroom to change into his uniform.
Buttercup glanced down at the baby monitor in her hands and contemplated how long Jay would stay asleep; he’d be up wanting another feed soon enough. The boy had an insatiable appetite.
Just like his father.
The thought brought immediate squeezing pain in her chest and made her inhale lightly.
When would that stop happening?
Maybe it’s karma. For not letting Butch anywhere near him. For wanting him near him, and me, at the same time as wanting him nowhere near me and his son. Our son. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t really care about me or him, and I know that deep down, so each reminder of that is just painful.
She exhaled slowly, shakily. Should she take a nap while Jay was actually sleeping or take some ‘me time’, and catch up with TV? She couldn’t decide. Mitch appeared in the living area again, now fully clad in his work uniform, and smiled at her.
She smiled back, but it didn’t meet her eyes. And he noticed too. But he didn’t say anything.
He never did.
And neither did she.
“Got much planned for the rest of the evening then? Or you gunna catch up on some sleep?” He asked instead, and she shrugged lightly.
“I was just trying to decide that.”
There was a knock at the door that elicited an exchange of puzzled looks between them. Buttercup glanced at the receiver by the door; it hadn’t buzzed. Usually that went off first when someone was visiting - and they had to let them up into the building.
“Did you order food?” Mitch questioned; the green puff shook her head.
“I was gunna ask you the same thing.” She hovered over to the door purposefully, pulling it open. Who was standing there made all the air leave her lungs.
“Hey.” He said, his brow knitted as he looked down at her.
Mitch stalked over to the door. “Butch - what the fuck are you doing here?”
Buttercup’s mouth had dropped open; no words had followed. She didn’t know what to say, she wasn’t expecting to see him. She’d not seen him in about 5 months.
Butch’s forest green eyes flicked over to Mitch; his expression hardened. “You know why I’m here.”
“No, I don’t, actually. I mean - you didn’t even fucking knock -” Mitch began but Butch cut him off.
“Yes I fucking did!” He cried, pointing to the door.
“I mean you’re supposed to be buzzed up - we’re supposed to grant you permission into the building - you clearly forced your way in!” He replied angrily.
Butch rolled his eyes. “I don’t need your fucking permission to enter the building - you think I need your permission for most things.”
Mitch glared at him as Buttercup swallowed.
“What - what are you doing here?” Buttercup asked as Mitch folded his arms across his chest.
“I’ve moved back; back to Townsville. I just, I wanted you to know. Wanted to talk to you.” The angered sneer had left his face the moment his eyes had left Mitch’s face and found Buttercup’s when she’d started speaking.
“You’re - you’re back?!” She asked, shocked.
He nodded.
“Still doesn’t clear up why you’re here, knocking on my door.” Mitch said flatly. Buttercup could barely peel her eyes from him. She couldn’t believe he was here.
“Why I’m here actually has nothing to do with you.” Butch spat, his expression becoming venomous as he glanced at Mitch once more.
Mitch scoffed. “This is my apartment. And my girlfriend. Whatever you’re here for concerns me because of that.”
Butch’s face soured all the more, particularly at the ‘girlfriend’ part of his words. “Yeah, whatever. But he’s not yours.”
Mitch glared deeply at him. “You don’t get to lay claim to fucking anything. I mean - where the fuck have you been? Absent, that’s what you’ve been!”
Butch scoffed now. “That’s fucking something - you talking about laying claim! This is none of your business!”
“Yes it is. I’m the one that’s been there from day one. I’m the one that’s held her hand through everything. That makes it my business!” Mitch insisted; Butch shook his head incredulously. “She’s my girlfriend!”
“That doesn’t make him yours!” Butch exclaimed.
A neighbour banged on their front door, telling them all to quiet down; they ignored it.
“It makes him as good as. I’ve been there, Butch. You fucking haven’t. You don’t get to randomly have a change of heart and come knocking at our door; it doesn’t work like that!” Mitch said.
Buttercup was standing beside him rigidly, frowning deeply. She couldn’t speak; she felt she might break. She didn’t know what to say. Half of her wanted Mitch to just shut up so she could in the least hear Butch out - the other half of her wanted Butch to get out of here because just seeing him made her feel more out of control of everything than she already felt.
Because on the one hand she missed him deeply; and still had very strong feelings for him, regardless of the fact it had been just over a year. On the other hand he hurt her routinely when they’d been together - constantly fighting, constantly bailing on their relationship. The memories of that part of their relationship made her want to run just to get away from him, from the memories of how horrendous he’d made her feel. It hurt to stand before him knowing he didn’t fucking care.
But she couldn’t do either of those things. She was stock-still and silent, and trying to hold herself together. Letting Mitch do the talking seemed to be her best bet to save herself from crumbling.
“Just because you’ve been there for him doesn’t mean you get to act like he’s yours! Everyone thinks he’s your kid for fucks sake! Even my fucking brothers!” Butch cried, looking from Mitch to Buttercup. “This isn’t fucking fair!”
“You don’t get to talk about what’s fair!” Mitch all but roared. “You’ve not seen half the shit she’s been through since you decided to bail on her for the last time!”
Butch’s viridian gaze fell to Buttercup again. “Buttercup - please. I know I’ve fucked up - I’m sorry I’ve not been around. Can we just talk? Just us, please?”
“Butch, I, I just - I -” She stammered, swallowing the lump in the back of her throat as he gazed at her desperately.
“No fucking way!” Mitch spluttered.
“I was asking her not you. This is nothing to fucking do with you!” Butch raised his voice now; his hands balled into tight fists.
“No please - don’t.” She spoke once more, knowing the tone of Butch’s voice, knowing he was losing his temper - and also being aware of how much he could and would hurt Mitch if he lost his temper.
“I helped her while she was pregnant! I gave her somewhere to live! I bought fucking everything that kid would need! I held her hand while she gave birth! And I’m here now helping her raise that boy - what the fuck have you done?!” Mitch yelled.
Butch’s breathing became erratic. “He’s not your fucking kid.”
“He’s not yours - you don’t fucking deserve him! Or her!”
The sound of screaming interrupted them. Buttercup jumped, the familiar sounds of Jay crying ringing through the baby monitor she was still clutching in her hand. “Great. Great - you know how long it took me to get him to sleep? You know how fucking awful I am at all this?!” She cried, her voice wobbling with despair as she looked at them both accusingly.
“Buttercup - I’m sorry.” Butch muttered, and he looked it.
“I’ll go to him -” Mitch offered, a scowl gracing Butch’s features instantly at his words.
“No!” She replied firmly. “I will go to him. You will go to work, because you’re going to be late.” She instructed Mitch, before turning to Butch. “And you’re going to leave.”
“Buttercup - come on. I just wanna talk -” Butch tried once again but Mitch shook his head, standing in front of Buttercup.
“You heard her, she wants you to leave. And so do I.”
“You heard me - this has nothing to do with you!” Butch seethed once more.
“Don’t even fucking start again - just both of you stop, please! I cannot deal with this right now. Mitch, go to work. Butch, please just go.” Her voice was desperate as Jay continued to cry down the monitor. The urge to go to him was overwhelming but she didn’t trust they wouldn’t start screaming at each other and/or fighting if she left Butch and Mitch alone.
“This is so fucking unfair. You seriously wanna pretend like he’s his? And just completely cut me out?!” Butch asked, his voice raising a little again.
“Don’t start fucking shouting at her!” Mitch piped up; Butch ignored him.
“I want you to go, Butch. Now.” Buttercup said. “And I want you to come inside and get ready to go to work so you’re not late. Then I can go to Jay.”
“She wants you to go! And so do I.” Mitch said sternly. Jay’s bawling increased in intensity; Buttercup felt she may burst if she didn’t go to him.
“I have to get him - please just go.” She hovered through to their bedroom, as Butch and Mitch continued to yell at each other at the door.
Jay was screeching loudly, his little face bright red and screwed up. “Ohhh my god I’m sooo sorry Jay, come here, I’m so sorry!”
She scooped him up into his arms; his cries lulled slightly but not completely, the warmth and smell of his mother was comforting enough to appease him a little.
The green puff hovered back to the door, Jay bundled up on her front, still crying; his blanket wrapped around his back.
Butch instantly stopped shouting at Mitch at the sight, his forest green eyes becoming curious and wide as he looked at Buttercup holding his boy against her. He couldn’t see his face; just the back of his head covered in unruly black hair.
“This has got to stop, now. I can’t deal with this and him, please just stop.” Buttercup cried in despair, bobbing Jay against her and rubbing his back to try and soothe him more.
“Exactly - so just go!” Mitch reiterated; Butch screwed his face up at him.
“She’s talking to both of us!” Butch snapped. “You were fucking shouting too.”
Mitch retrieved his phone from his pocket and held it up. “If you don’t go I’m calling the police.”
Butch sighed angrily. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?!”
“Get out of here and leave us alone - that’s what you’re supposed to do!” Mitch hollered.
“This is a fucking joke! You really want this?” Butch asked, his question aimed at Buttercup. She stared at him for a moment, her bottom lip wobbling perilously.
“Please just go.” She whispered, before turning away to tend to Jay.
Butch watched her go, feeling as though his heart had just cracked open.
“Have you actually heard her this time? She asked you to go, so go - or I’ll call the cops.” Mitch threatened once again.
Stiffly, Butch turned and walked down the hallway.
Mitch shut the door with a bang.
Pulling his coat off the rack by the front door, Mitch glanced over at Buttercup once more. Jay was in her arms, she was feeding him.
“You sure you’ll be okay?” He asked as he slid his jacket on. Butch had come at the worst time. He didn’t want to go to work now. He wanted to stay here with her. Make sure she was okay - and that Butch didn’t decide to come back.
He couldn't believe he'd come back.
There was no way he wanted them speaking alone. He knew exactly what would happen. Butch always had a way of twisting her point of view; he had his teeth in her so deep. And she was fragile right now. It wouldn’t take much, and he’d lose her.
He couldn’t risk that. And she deserved so much better than him. Mitch would look after her. Butch didn’t want to do that.
But he would.
Buttercup nodded. “I’m fine - I’ll be fine.”
“I’m gunna find a daytime job. I’ll stop working nights as soon as I can.” Mitch promised her and she brushed it off.
“Mitch, honestly - I’m okay, okay?” She repeated and he paused for a moment.
“Okay.. Well, if he comes back, you call me okay? I’ll get straight out of work, just call -” Mitch began until she cut him off.
“Mitch please don’t worry - he’s not gunna come back. It’s fine.”
He scooted around the table and leant down to kiss her on the lips. She kissed back; when he pulled away, he stroked Jay’s soft cheek, smiling at him as he drank his milk hungrily.
“See you in the morning.” Mitch said softly.
“See you.” She replied.
“Love you.” He called, and she paused.
“You too.” She answered after a second, grateful he didn’t look back and instead just left the apartment, so he didn’t see the frown that had immediately graced her features the moment he’d said it.
He’d loved her for a long time. She still wasn’t sure she was there yet.
But you will. You will get there. I mean, look at everything he’s done, and does for you. He loves you. You’ll love him, soon enough. You will.
She would. Soon. She’d been through a lot. Her hormones were all over the place still. And she wasn’t herself; she knew she was in the midst of postpartum depression - but felt wholly unequipped to begin to deal with that let alone anything else she was feeling.
She’d get there. She had to. He’d done so much for her and Jay. She had to return that love to him at some point. He deserved her love.
Butch didn’t.
At least, that’s what she told herself; regardless of the fact she spent the entire duration of their relationship trying to convince the green ruff he was deserving of her love - of love in general.
The rhythmic suckling sound of Jay nursing had slowed; when she looked down at her son she noticed he was asleep. He let go of her breast, a mouthful of milk dribbling down his cheek and onto her, his full lips parted as his little face was squidged against her still.
She held back the little chuckle that threatened to burst out of her for fear of waking him up. Instead she smiled down at him lovingly, gently pushing his little chin up a bit to close his mouth. Then began the same old ritual of transferring him from her arms to his bed without waking him.
It was never an easy feat, and usually included a lot of having to stop and feed him to sleep once more and starting all over again.
Forty minutes later, he was back in his bed sound asleep. She’d made her way back to the living area; the baby monitor remote held in her hand as it always was when Jay was out of sight, and decided to try and watch some TV.
But she was struggling to take anything in.
He’d moved back to Townsville.
After just a little over a year he’d come back. And he wanted to talk to her.
She’d not seen him since Jay had been born. He’d come back to visit, briefly. He’d tried to see her, and Mitch had reacted much the same. She’d given birth a matter of days ago - and had been in no fit state to deal with any drama of the kind she’d had at her door just over an hour ago that evening.
To try and keep the peace she’d let him see Jay; he’d held him for a short while. It had been weird seeing him holding a teeny tiny version of himself. His face had lit up and he’d looked so happy and awestruck.
Mitch had hated it. Buttercup had felt very torn. She didn’t like to make Mitch unhappy; he’d done so much for her.
But, Butch at least deserved to hold him, and meet him. She knew it was very likely they wouldn’t see him again for a long while - what did it hurt to just let him see his son for the brief 10 minutes that he had done a few days after he’d been born?
She knew Mitch was right to not want Butch near Jay; at least she thought she did. Butch was trouble. He was unreliable, indecisive, uncommitted, and unpredictable at times.
He’d hurt her a lot. It was like he clung onto any part of her that remained intact.
When he’d visited Townsville when she was heavily pregnant, with what was quite obviously his child, his reaction had broken her heart. He was freaked out - so was she - but she’d told him she was staying with Mitch - ‘okay’, he’d said. Just okay. Just accepted it. She’d almost felt as though he exhaled at her words. Phew. Bullet dodged. Responsibility swerved. He made no noises about playing any part in it.
It had hurt. It still did.
Then off he went to wherever it was he was living once more, not to return until another month or so, in which one very basic conversation between them unfurled in which he gauged whether he was the father, but that she didn’t want him involved… She’d asked him if he wanted to be involved and he’d shrugged. ‘Do you want me to be involved?’
She frowned at the memory. Was it too much to ask to have wanted him to want to be involved?
It certainly seemed he’d changed his mind now though. The thought both made her feel frightened but also hopeful at the prospect. He’d wanted to talk to her.
The green puff would never admit it aloud but she’d been too scared to talk to him. Not scared of him, just seeing him had made her feel on the brink of tears.
And she knew it was because she missed him. Deep down, she knew the current situation was wrong - deep down she wanted to talk to him. She wanted him to want to see his son. She wanted him to want to see her.
She missed him.
She still loved him.
But she couldn’t love him.
He was bad for her. They’d argued constantly. He blew hot and cold. He had so many demons he refused to face; the man was convinced he was undeserving of any love. She only had to show her love for him and he’d run a mile. ‘I love you’ could see him packing his bags and leaving her; how the hell was he going to deal with fatherhood?
He wouldn’t. He’d leave them, constantly. She knew it.
She couldn't have that. Jay deserved better than that. And she was fraying at the seams as it was; adding in a partner who routinely bailed on you was not something she could have juggled as well at the moment.
Which was why it was just best that she avoided him at all costs. For Jay.
He needed stability. He deserved to be surrounded by love. Not arguing, and fighting and break ups and anger and anguish.
He deserved a happy home.
Mitch could offer her stability. He had done; he was. He could offer her love.
She had to do what was best for Jay. No matter how fucked up it seemed at times, this was for the best.
It was.
Wasn’t it?
A loud thud, followed by a sliding sound, then another much louder thud at her door distracted her from her thoughts. Her stomach churned uncomfortably; her first thought was that he was back.
Cautiously, she got to her feet, switching the TV off as she passed it and hovering over to the front door. She looked through the peephole; but she couldn’t see anything. The green puff angled her head this way and that; but still nothing.
She’d definitely heard something. The thud had been loud, and right against the door. She hovered upwards more, tilting her head to try and take a look at the ground - she could see a foot.
Another loud thud on the door made her jump - a fist this time, connected to a seemingly bodiless arm hammered against the door.
Buttercup glanced back at her bedroom, hissing for the banging to stop or it’d wake Jay.
“Buttercup... I know I didn't buzz to get up here but.. I'll buzz now.”
She sighed heavily; it was Butch. She knew his voice well enough. And he sounded drunk.
Great. This was just what she needed. A drunk Rowdyruff rolling around in the hallway outside her apartment.
“Buttercup - I'll go back down and - and I'll buzz this time.”
She crouched down low by the door, hissing for him to be quiet once more. “Can you be quiet! You’re being so loud!”
“Shh shh - okay okay - shh! I’m sorry - I’m sorry!” He garbled in a quiet stage whisper. She rolled her eyes; he was definitely in the least tipsy.
“Butch, what are you doing here?” She asked against the door, her voice low. “We asked you to leave. That didn’t mean ‘come back 90 minutes later’.”
“I just wanna talk to you, that's all. Can’t we just talk?” There was a sliding, shifting sound. It sounded like he’d pulled himself upright by the door now.
She paused.
“Buttercup? Are you there?”
“Yes, I just - I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. And you’re drunk.” She replied, trying not to sound hesitant.
“I’m not drunk! I’m not. I just had some whisky and, and some rum and that’s it.” He said through the door. “It takes me forever to get drunk. I’m totally, totally not properly drunk.”
She knew he was, at least a little bit.
“You shouldn’t be here.” She told him, turning and sitting with her back against the door.
There was another noise, and then she felt a weight against where she was leaning; he was sitting against the door too. “Why not?”
“Because, 1. You’re drunk. And 2…” She paused, not knowing how to word it.
“2?”
“2. I’m in a really shitty headspace right now.” She mumbled, frowning.
“And you think I’ll make it worse?” He asked against the door.
She sighed. “I don’t even know what I think.”
“Yeah well, I could tell that.” He replied with a mirthless sounding laugh. She cranked a brow.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You don’t know what to think cos Mitch ain’t here telling you what to think.” He said simply, and she screwed her face up.
“No, that’s not true.”
“Yeah it is. Cos you had like nothing to say earlier - and that’s not you. Normally it’s difficult to shut you up.”
She blinked, then frowned deeper. “You should go. Now.”
“I didn’t mean it horribly -” He turned, clawing at the door. “Buttercup! Buttercup don’t go I’m sorry - please, please just fucking talk to me I’m fucking desperate. Please.” His voice had become severe and frantic; melancholic.
She didn’t respond, but she leant her head against the door and closed her eyes; and he heard it clunk against it, so he knew she was still there. He leant his forehead against it.
“I can’t deal with this man. I don’t know what I’m supposed to fucking do. I miss you so much. I’m trying. Like I’m really fucking trying but it’s no use! It’s no use - I just love you.” His voice was strained and thick with emotion.
Buttercup’s eyes shot open, her expression pained. His words were a little garbled but there was meaning in them; at least it sounded like it.
“It doesn’t matter what I do, I just love you. I’m sorry - I’m such a fucking idiot. I can’t believe I ever could have…” His words trailed off and she blinked, feeling a couple of warm tears drop onto her cheeks. “I’m trying to move on like you have. I’m trying. And it’s easy to just find someone to hold - almost too easy - but, I don’t fucking want that. If I did - anyone would do. I just, I really try not to turn them into you but every fucking time.. It’s no use. It’s no fucking use. I just love you.” His voice cracked on the last sentence; she swallowed deeply, trying fruitlessly to push the lump in her throat back but it wouldn’t budge.
“Buttercup…? Buttercup are you still there?”
She couldn’t respond, she knew she’d end up erupting into anguished tears.
“Buttercup.. Buttercup!” He started to yell once more, hastily she turned towards the door, immediately telling him to be quiet or he’d wake the baby. “Sorry - sorry! Just please don’t go. Please talk to me. I’m fucking desperate. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
She wiped at her eyes and sniffed as quietly as she could so he wouldn’t know she was getting teary, but the knot in her throat was pretty prominent still.
“Buttercup?”
“There’s nothing to say, Butch.” She forced her voice to be strong; herself to be strong.
“There’s so much to say! I mean - that’s before I even mention the kid! Can you just open up so we can talk?” He pleaded. “I know he’s not there. He’s at work, right? Open up so we can talk properly.”
The green puff felt herself begin to sway as she glanced up at the door handle; but she shook her head. She knew what would happen. He’d find a way to make her feel like everything that had happened so far was a mistake; that he didn’t mean to fuck up as much as he did. She’d forgive him, again, and a month or two down the line she’d be right back where she always ended up with him; alone and heartbroken - and this time with a baby held in her arms. And not to mention she’d break Mitch’s heart in two if any of that happened. It would just make everything around her implode; already it felt so delicate as it was.
“I can’t do that.” She mumbled, and she heard him sigh heavily by the door.
“Please. Can you not just give me a chance? I know I’ve screwed up, a lot, but, but - please? I’m so fucking lonely. I miss you so much.” His voice sounded feeble; so unlike his usual demeanour.
“I can’t keep doing this, Butch.” She rasped, her voice cracking as she spoke. “Not anymore. Things are different now. I can’t keep doing this anymore.”
“I know, I know - I’m sorry! But, but you can’t just kick me aside!” He cried and she found herself spluttering.
“Not a nice feeling, is it?” She replied dryly, instantly kicking herself for the comment. She didn’t want him to know she still cared. She didn’t want him to know it bothered her still. She shouldn’t have cared. It shouldn't matter to her anymore. But it did.
He began to apologise again. “Buttercup I’m sorry! I love you.”
Stiffly, the green puff got to her feet. “Please just go, Butch.”
“Buttercup - come on! What the hell am I supposed to do now? I mean, it’s not just you - it’s him as well - he’s my fucking kid! You get a new boyfriend and that means he thinks he can play 'Daddy' while I get fucking sidelined?!”
“Hey! Can you take your baby Daddy drama elsewhere and stop shouting in the hallway! It's 11 o'clock at night!”
The neighbour in the apartment opposite Buttercup and Mitch’s had banged on his door and started complaining once again.
“Mind your own business!” The green ruff growled.
“Get away from my front door!”
“Get fucked old man!” Butch yelled in response - Buttercup heard him scrambling to his feet.
“Who the fuck are you talking to you little punk -”
She heard a front door open and hurriedly opened her own one. “Mr. Klernz - sorry, we’ll keep it down. He - he was just leaving.”
The moment Buttercup peered her head out of the door to calm her neighbour and prevent an altercation that may conclude in Butch maiming an older gentleman, the green ruff had turned and looked at her with wide, stricken eyes.
“It’s 11 o clock at night…” He grumbled; Buttercup apologised to him once more.
The older man opened his mouth to continue to complain when the sound of screeching was added to the hubbub; Jay was crying in her room down the monitor clutched in Buttercup’s hand.
She cursed under her breath.
“Oh great, now that noisy little squirt’s joined in.” Mr Klernz complained before heading back inside his apartment.
Butch turned and glared at the closing door before turning to face Buttercup once more, who had finally opened the door; but she was gone.
He peered through the door, not knowing whether she’d flip a lid if he walked inside the apartment she shared with Mitch. She probably would.
A couple of seconds later she came through to the living area, Jay bundled up against her, still fussing.
“I need to sort him out.” She mumbled. “You really shouldn’t - I need to -”
“Buttercup, please.” He begged, and she swallowed hard. “I just wanna see you. You and the kid…”
She felt like the next words out of her mouth she was likely to regret. “Fine - but, you really can’t stay long. Close the door behind you.”
“Thank you - fuck, thank you!” He stepped inside, closing the door behind him hurriedly. She eyed him carefully, trying to gauge just how drunk he still was. She knew he wouldn’t do anything to endanger either of them, but he was clearly in a state of crisis; the thought alone made her chest ache. She didn't like to think of him hurting.
He stood like a spare part by the door for a moment as Buttercup took a seat on the sofa. She gestured with her head for him to stop standing awkwardly like he was and to sit down.
Hastily, he did so, being sure not to sit too close but not too far from her either. His deep green eyes were glued to the baby held in her arms, who was foraging and rooting around against her shirt, in a search for some milk.
This was lost to Butch though; he was just in complete awe to see him.
“I need to feed him…” She said quietly, avoiding his eye line.
“That’s fine - whatever you gotta do...” He assured her; she nodded her eyes softening as she looked at Jay, supporting him with one hand as she tried to unclip her nursing bra and get him latched on without revealing too much in the process. “Relax,” Butch spoke, seeing her fretting a little, and she looked over at him. “I’ve seen them before.”
She scowled at him, but she was also smiling. “I’m aware.”
Jay latched and began to feed hungrily. Butch peered over, trying to get a look at his little face.
“I know you’ve seen them before but that doesn’t mean it’s open season to look again.” Buttercup commented, and he froze.
“I wasn’t trying to - sorry! I just wanted to see him, is all...” He defended himself, and she narrowed her eyes at him for a moment, but nodded.
“Oh.”
“God - look at him. I mean, he’s so beautiful. And he’s grown so much since I saw him last.” He was totally fascinated as he looked at his baby son; although he didn’t exactly feel like his baby son at the moment.
“He’s five months old. It’s been five months since you saw him last.” She replied, regretting her wording. Because she was half hurt beyond measure that he’d not seen Jay in five months. And half of her was glad he’d been absent.
“They grow a lot in five months huh?” Butch commented blankly, pulling his lips between his teeth, his brow creased.
“Yep.”
A silence ensued. Buttercup looked from Jay to him, and instantly felt that lump build in her throat once more. She swallowed it back. “You really shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have let you in. I really shouldn’t have let you in.”
Butch looked ruffled by her words. “Why not?”
There was a lot she wanted to say but she couldn’t make her mouth work.
The green ruff frowned. “Let me guess, cos Mitch would be mega pissed with you if he knew I was anywhere near you - you and my own fucking child?” His tone was scathing. She didn’t reply, but she was frowning deeply. Her hands holding Jay were trembling from the sheer amount of energy she was expending in stopping herself from breaking into pieces. “This is beyond fucked up. I mean what’s gotten into you - blindly doing as fucking Mitch tells you!”
“It’s not like that Butch, you just want to think it is.”
He balked at her words. “You’re saying you agree with Mitch?”
“I’m saying he has his reasons... Are you really surprised he doesn’t want us around each other, given what happened when myself and him first started dating?” Buttercup pointed out, referring to the handful of times Buttercup had ended up back in Butch’s arms at the very beginnings of her and Mitch’s relationship, thanks to Butch’s persistence and her own feelings of doubt and lingering love for him.
Butch blinked. “I’m not allowed near either of you because he’s insecure?”
“No one has stopped you coming near me or Jay, Butch -” She began, her voice fragile, till he cut in.
“Look at the fucking reception I get when I try!” Butch exclaimed, his volume increasing a little. “It was the same when I came to meet him! If Mitch had had his way I wouldn’t have even laid eyes on him let alone actually meeting and holding him! How is that fair? How is that up to Mitch?”
Her teeth grit together. “You have no fucking idea what the past few months have been like for me, Butch. What the past year has been like! You don’t get to come here and yell at me for decisions you fucking made.”
“I haven’t made this decision! It’s been made for me!”
“Where was this response when I was pregnant? I didn’t see even a hint of this determination when I told you I was pregnant - in fact, you ran a fucking mile!” Buttercup spat and he glowered at her.
“You said you were staying with him. What was I supposed to do?” He asked her darkly.
“I don’t know, Butch. What the fuck you wanted to do. Which was clear off, wasn’t it? Months later you suddenly care?”
“I’ve always cared!”
“Then where the hell have you been?!”
A couple of grizzly sounds came from the bundle on Buttercup’s lap; Jay unlatched from his mother and let out a ferocious cry, becoming unsettled by their shouting.
Buttercup hastily covered herself up, picking Jay up and holding him against her and rubbing his back to wind him. “Shh shh - I’m sorry little man.” She cooed, trying to soothe him. “This is precisely why I can’t do this, Butch.” The green puff said, getting to her feet as Jay bawled against her loudly. “I don’t have time for all your shit - I have a baby to look after. And god knows I’m doing a fucking awful job of it as it is. I don’t need you coming here making me feel even more terrible because today you’ve decided you give a shit.” She rocked from side to side, trying to comfort him. “I’m pretty well versed in your ever changing mood. I’m not letting him become collateral damage in the shit storm that is you and me.”
“Buttercup you’re not even giving me a chance!” Butch cried, getting to his feet as well.
“Because you don’t really want one!” Buttercup replied and he froze at her words, his arms dropping to his sides. “Come on Butch, you could have done a lot more than you have - but you haven’t. So why beat around the bush?”
“That’s not true.” He mumbled as Jay continued to roar. “But I can see you’re finding it easier to just believe I don’t give a shit about you or him. Easier to go along with ‘Mitch is the Daddy’ that way, huh?”
Buttercup turned her back on him and held Jay up under his arms in front of her, trying her best to pacify him. But it was pretty fruitless when she was as distressed as she was. Tears began to leak down her face as she whispered reassurances to Jay, which didn’t seem to help at all. He could sense his mothers upset and it in turn was making him feel worse.
There was a bang on the wall nearby; one of the neighbours complaining about the volume - super powered children came with an almighty cry. Buttercup cursed under her breath and Butch heard her voice crack as she spoke. It made his stomach pang; he cautiously took a couple of steps to fill the gap in between them, placing his hand on her shoulder. She flinched at his touch.
“Can I help at all?” He asked hesitantly, expecting her to bite his head off for even trying.
But a sob escaped her lips, and she wiped at her face as if to try and hide it. “Here, let me try - it’s a really long shot but - let me take him and you can just sit down for a moment.. Or something.”
The suggestion initially seemed ludicrous in her mind, but tears were flowing freely down her cheeks and another defeated sob burst out of her. The hand on her shoulder became an entire arm around her, guiding her down onto the sofa. There was comfort in the touch that she willingly leaned towards, almost instinctively, almost as though it was the antidote; or medicine she needed.
Once she was sat down he’d carefully attempted to pry the screaming baby from her arms and she let him, covering her face in her hands and weeping into them.
Butch, feeling more than a little clueless when it came to babies, held his son under the arms before him and watched his pudgy little face settle slightly at the sudden change of environment. Gently, he laid him against his chest, resting his head by his collar bones and stroking his soft black hair with one large hand, the other cradling his body against him. “H-hey,” He murmured as Jay made irregular little noises of complaint, as though he was adamant he was still upset and not at all distracted by someone new holding him. “Hey little buddy - it’s okay.”
He felt resistance against his hand; the baby had pushed his head up to take a good look at this new person that had him in his arms. His big green eyes scanned his face, full lips parted as he looked at him. Butch couldn’t hold back the smile that broke out on his face, despite the large lump he had in his throat brought on by the entire situation. “Hello.” He said simply; Jay’s mouth formed a big smile back, his large eyes still scanning Butch’s entire face. Butch chuckled. “That is a blinding smile.”
Buttercup looked up from her hands, witnessing the joyful yet intense meeting going on between Jay and his father. “Look, you’re crying so loud you made your Mama cry.” Butch told him, turning to look at Buttercup and smiling.
She found herself smiling back, wiping at her eyes.
“See, that’s better. Both of you smiling.” Butch muttered, looking back at Jay, who began to babble and coo at him as though he was telling him a very in depth story.
Buttercup found herself chuckling now as Butch lowered himself onto the sofa beside her, Jay still intently discussing something very important, apparently. “God, I swear he just hates me.”
“Don’t be stupid, he’s all about you.” Butch assured her as she sniffed beside him. “He’s so fucking strong.”
“Tell me about it.” She replied. “Strong minded too.”
“Wonder where he gets that from?” Butch mused and she smirked at him. There was a little pause as the green ruff looked into Jay’s eyes and tried to commit every little bit of him to memory, just in case. “Am I holding him okay? I mean - he’s mostly holding himself if I’m being honest - but, am I doing it right?”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re fine.” She told him with a sniffle. “He’s holding himself pretty well now. He can sit up basically unaided, although he does end up face planting the floor eventually. Not that that seems to bother him.”
Butch smirked. “You’re a tough little nut huh?” He had him sat on his lap now, supporting him under his arms carefully.
Jay pushed himself forward and began to root around on Butch’s chest, leaving trails of dribble on his shirt in the process. “Oh, nice.” He commented, but was smiling still.
“Probably looking for food.” Buttercup commented. “His stomach is a bottomless pit, I swear.”
“You’re not gunna find anything here I’m afraid.” Butch chuckled. “Jeez he’s so strong. I don’t have any milk, man!”
Buttercup laughed lightly. “I think he’s teething. Probably why he’s constantly attached to me at the minute. And not sleeping. I’m so bad at this too. Like, I’m trying but -”
“Buttercup stop. I know I’ve not been around to witness it but you’re clearly doing great. I mean look at him he’s hench! Stop being so down on yourself.” Butch told her, his eyes still glued to Jay, who’d given up on his search for milk from Butch’s useless nipples and decided to chomp on his fist instead.
Her lips formed a thin line. “I feel like I’m doing a bad job at life in general at the minute.”
“You and I both.” He agreed with a sigh.
Buttercup’s jade eyes surveyed them both; noting how much more alike they looked when Butch literally had Jay in his arms; it made her heart wrench. That same lump formed in her throat again as she fisted at her eyes irritably, wishing she wasn’t still so fucking emotional all the time.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” She mumbled, and he looked up at her, his eyes drawn to the tears leaking down her face once more that she was trying to hide. “I shouldn’t be having to feel like this every day. You should be here - or I should just be able to let it go - why can’t I just -”
He interrupted her as she was getting more worked up. “If it’s not supposed to be like this, it doesn’t have to be like this Buttercup.”
She shook her head hopelessly. “Yes it does. There’s no other way. I can’t do it anymore Butch, I can’t. I can’t deal with all our on/off hot/cold bullshit and try to create a happy home for him. It’s not fair. I can’t - and I don’t want to try and juggle both.”
“But - but what if it’s not like that?” Butch asked her desperately, but she could see the doubt in his eyes.
“You can promise me it won’t be till you’re blue in the face Butch, but I know better. I know you. It won’t work. You choose your fear over me every time. And now it’ll be over us. And I can’t cope with that - let alone making him cope with that too.” She told him with a wobbling voice.
He frowned. “No I don’t. I don’t -”
“Yes you do. You know we can’t work. We never do. And the stakes are too high now.”
“You won’t even give it a chance?” His voice was small now, almost frightened.
She shook her head with a shaky inhale. “I can’t. Things are so different now, and they have to be.”
Butch frowned darkly; Buttercup held her hands out, indicating for him to pass Jay to her. The green ruff looked down at his son, stroking his wild black hair, placing a little kiss on the top of his head before handing him back to his mother.
Buttercup also kissed the top of his head, before dragging a baby bouncer over and placing him down in it, strapping him in. She handed him a chewed to death plush dinosaur, which he immediately shoved into his mouth and began to gnaw at.
Then she turned to Butch, who’d also stood up.
“You’re really gunna do this to me?” He asked, clearly wounded.
“Don’t. Don’t act like this is all me. This is for the best, and you know it.” She replied, her voice low.
“How can you be so sure this is for the best?”
“Four years of the same old shit does something to you Butch! I know you. I know what even attempting this would be like. This is for the best, and you know it too. You can’t even tell me you’d be there for me because you don’t even know it yourself.”
His response was everything she needed to hear - in that he didn’t have one. She was right. He couldn’t guarantee it because deep down he knew he didn’t know if he was capable of being what she needed. He didn’t think he was - and that was where it all came apart. His own self doubt and self depreciating was as always, his downfall. And he could lie, and promise her the moon and the stars but she knew; he knew there was the potential it was just words.
Buttercup didn’t need the potential for happiness and security. And neither did Jay.
Deep down, there was a layer of doubt, guilt, apprehension, fear, self loathing. He wasn’t good enough for her. He wasn’t good enough for them. He never had been. He’d always said it; she’d always insisted it wasn’t true. She’d always insisted he was more than enough - that she loved him. Now it seemed like she agreed with him.
Suddenly he felt stupid for even trying. He’d said it all along in the four years they’d tried to be together; he didn’t deserve her. And now he didn’t deserve either of them.
“See.” The fact he’d proved her right so quickly had her crushed. She so wanted him to prove her wrong but she knew he wouldn’t; he couldn’t.
“I don’t know why I bothered.” He muttered darkly. “I’ve known from day one I can’t be what you need.”
She looked to the heavens momentarily. “Butch - please. Please stop salting the wound - I’ve told you from day one all I fucking wanted was you! You were always enough - I just wanted you!”
There was a pause as they stared at each other.
“And now you’re with him.” Butch muttered, and Buttercup looked down at the floor, Mitch on her mind at his words.
She nodded. “Yes. I am.”
“And you’re happy?” He asked her; she hesitated.
No. I’m miserable. I still love you. And I hate you for doing this to me. I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you. I want you here and I want you far away.
“Yes.” She replied. “I am.”
Butch swallowed hard. “Fine.” He said firmly. “Fine. I guess I’ll stop darkening your doorstep.”
With one last glance at Jay, Butch headed towards the front door. She watched him cross the apartment, half of her screaming at him not to go, the other half relieved he was leaving.
“Butch, wait I -” Her mouth formed words before her brain had caught up. She’d approached the door which he was now standing at, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. “I, I -” She paused, forcing her brain to find some coherency. “I’m sorry.”
He sighed dejectedly, the hope disappearing. “Me too.” Tentatively, he reached a hand forward, stroking her cheek softly, and she let him. His other hand came to her other cheek, and he held her face in his hands, leaning down to gently place his lips against hers.
She froze, internally urging herself to push him off but it was like she couldn’t make her rational side wake up and respond. Her heart was winning over against her head. So she clutched at his neck and pulled him closer, intensifying the kiss for a few seconds, before she pulled away.
Exhaling heavily, he caressed the side of her face. “Life’s got a funny way of taking you back to the places you run from. If you ever decide to come home - I’m always there.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat but it didn’t budge. Knowing if she spoke she’d crumble, instead, she simply nodded. He stroked her cheek with his thumb, before letting her go, and turning to leave.
Watching him disappear around the corner of the hallway, she took a shaky breath, an involuntary whimper escaping her lips as she turned back inside the apartment and closed the door.