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“What?” Jeongguk’s voice comes out high-pitched and hurt, comes out like a stab right into Taehyung’s heart because it’s his fault. “You do not mean it,” he says, although it sounds more like a plea. Like Jeongguk is begging him to deny what he just said.
Now, Taehyung doesn’t consider himself an aggressive person by any means; he’s always willing to talk, has always believed that sitting down and hearing what the other person has to say is important and the only right way to solve conflicts. However, with a heaving chest and a broken photo frame a few feet from him, Taehyung doesn’t know what to think anymore; doesn’t know what to make of all of this. Because he has never, not once, lost his cool completely when it comes to fighting with Jeongguk. With his boyfriend.
The two of them always fight because of the silliest things, really; maybe Taehyung interrupted Jeongguk’s Overwatch game and the younger, who is a terrible loser, snapped at him and Taehyung snapped back; maybe Jeongguk tried to cuddle Taehyung when he was stressed and he said some things he didn’t mean; it’s always something stupid, something that can be solved with something as simple as talking it out and apologizing.
But today—today it’s different. Today they aren’t fighting because of something silly or stupid, no; they’re fighting because Jeongguk lied to him. Jeongguk has been lying to Taehyung in the face for a week, and the brunet is sure he would’ve kept on lying if he hadn’t found out today. And Taehyung is scared, doesn’t want to hurt Jeongguk—but he’s also really, really angry. And, when we’re angry, we say things we don’t mean and only realize it once the hurt is done; once it’s too late to apologize.
“I do!” Taehyung exclaims, arms gesturing wildly at nothing before flopping down to his sides. And, just in case it hadn’t been clear enough, Taehyung repeats his words with as much venom as he can gather. “I love you, Jeongguk. But sometimes I wish I didn’t.”
It’s a lie. A terrible lie that Taehyung has said just because he wanted to hurt Jeongguk back the way he had hurt him. But, as soon as Jeongguk’s face falls and he silently pads toward the door, Taehyung’s heart sinks and his eyes widen as if he’s just registering his own words. “Jeongguk,” he calls. He gets closer, tries to place a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder only to be pushed away and fall onto the floor.
“Leave me alone,” Jeongguk says, voice cold and detached from any emotion. Sounds just the way it sounded when they first met, and it scares the shit out of Taehyung. “I don’t want to see you right now. I don’t know if I will want to see you ever again.”
“W-What? Jeongguk. Jeongguk!” he screams, but the door is slammed right in front of his face and an eerie silence follows suit, Taehyung’s heavy breathing being the only thing disturbing it. He blinks a few times at the door, almost as if he’s trying to make sure all of this just happened and that it’s real, and as soon as the realization hits him, a terrible feeling makes a home in his heart and drowns him.
Guilt.
Sure, Jeongguk’s lie had hurt Taehyung, but mainly because he felt like the younger boy didn’t trust him enough to tell him. Jeongguk had tried to explain, tried to tell him that he was planning on telling him; Jeongguk had tried to talk, and Taehyung—Taehyung hadn’t wanted to. And then he had started shouting nonsense, things that he knows hurt Jeongguk (“Do you even love me at all?” “Then why do you have to make me feel like you don’t?” “I trusted you!”) and that’s when his boyfriend had lost his cool, too; that’s when Jeongguk started screaming, too, instead of trying to talk. Because he was hurt, and Taehyung didn’t want to listen anymore.
God, Taehyung feels like a fool. This is their first fight, in a way; the one that lasted for more than five minutes, the one that involved something serious, and the one that makes Taehyung feel scared to the bone. Still, he has pride. He has pride and even if he feels like a fool, he won’t go to look for Jeongguk after he had told him not to. Because, sure, Taehyung had hurt Jeongguk, but Jeongguk had hurt Taehyung, too. A lot.
“Going away for a whole month,” Taehyung mutters to himself as he stands up and cleans the dust off his pants, plopping down on the couch and hugging his knees to his chest. He huffs. “A whole fucking month away for work and he wasn’t planning to tell me.”
He hates the way that, now that the high of the anger is gone, his eyes fill with tears so easily. He hates the way he feels his heart clench at the reminder that Jeongguk—Jeongguk has already accepted the job without even talking about it with Taehyung, with his boyfriend, with the person he supposedly loves. Taehyung can’t help but feel betrayed and hurt, too. Can’t help but wonder if maybe he overestimated Jeongguk’s love; he’s never given him any reason why he shouldn’t trust him, so why wouldn’t he tell him something as important as this?
Was he just going to leave without saying anything?
Taehyung covers his mouth with his hands and screams at the ache in his chest, at the way he feels like he’s being torn apart because what now? How are they going to fix this? Can he even trust Jeongguk anymore?
Sobs wreck through his throat relentlessly, mercilessly, making him wince at the dry pain he begins to feel after what he assumes are twenty minutes. Eventually, though, Taehyung forces himself to get it together. He wipes his tears with the sleeve of his sweater—Jeongguk’s sweater—and focuses on his breathing, turns on the TV, and tries to think about something else that isn’t the fact that he feels as if his whole life is crumbling down by the second.
He’s also worried about Jeongguk, for he left when the night had already fallen on them and Taehyung has never trusted the streets near their ratty apartment. But Jeongguk had been clear in his words.
Taehyung cries again when he remembers them. It feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest and, in a way, he knows he deserves it just like he knows he’s been an asshole, too; Taehyung knows Jeongguk, he’s his boyfriend, for fuck’s sake. He knows Jeongguk struggles a lot when it comes to opening up, knows he never has bad intentions with anything he does, knows he’s sweet and a bit of an introvert and—
“You fucking asshole,” Taehyung cries as he tangles his fingers through his locks and tugs at them, the words directed to no one but himself. Because he knows.
He knows Jeongguk loves him. He knows Jeongguk looks at him like Taehyung painted the stars in his sky, and maybe he did; maybe, for Jeongguk, Taehyung is his stars just like Jeongguk is his universe. Always complimenting each other in a way, always together. And Taehyung knows that and yet, he was so blinded by anger, by a feeling of betrayal, that he didn’t even hesitate in wanting to hurt Jeongguk back.
And now, when he looks out of the window, he can’t see anything. Because his universe is gone, has left by the door around an hour ago and Taehyung doesn’t know where he’s gone. Taehyung doesn’t know if he’s going to return, either.
Are they over? None of them said anything about breaking up, but Taehyung did—falsely—imply that he didn’t want to be in this relationship anymore in a way, and Jeongguk did say clear as day that he doesn’t know if he will want to see Taehyung ever again. The thought makes him more anxious than he already was, and soon enough he’s pacing around the living room and biting his nails, checking the time on his phone every now and then. Finally, he gives in and sends a text.
[TAEHYUNG] 10:34 PM.
Where are you?
He waits. Doesn’t exactly expect Jeongguk to reply, given the circumstances, but at this point, a simple read can do miracles for Taehyung’s poor heart. Every time one of them stayed outside for longer than expected, they’d text the other to let him know. But Taehyung is sure Jeongguk isn’t going to text him this time around, and when ten minutes have passed and his message still hasn’t been read, he starts shaking.
When they decided to move together, barely two years into their relationship, they were quick to find out they weren’t going to be able to find a decent apartment with their budget. Their friends told them to give up, to just wait and save up for a bit longer, but they were stubborn. They were stubborn, in love, and barely seeing each other anymore due to their different schedules, so moving together sounded like the perfect solution for that.
And it was, even though they ended up settling on a rather ratty apartment with thin walls and in a shitty neighbourhood—Taehyung has lost count of how many people he has seen selling drugs on their street already—that Jimin and Hoseok refuse to step in. That’s why whenever one of them is late, well past eight in the evening, the other waits for him to text when he’s close and then goes down to wait at the door of the apartment complex.
So, to say Taehyung is scared right now is an understatement. Because Jeongguk is strong but he’s also hot-headed and is quick to lose his cool when he’s mad. What if he bumps into someone and starts a fight? What if that someone is dangerous? Thousands of different scenes start appearing in Taehyung’s mind as he sends yet another text. Or maybe five more.
[TAEHYUNG] 10:42 PM.
Jeongguk, please reply
Are you okay?
Jeongguk?
Please tell me you’re okay or read my texts or anything but please do something
I’m worried
It’s a few minutes past eleven when Taehyung decides he can’t stay there, sitting in silence and checking his phone every passing minute, while Jeongguk can be in danger. So, he grows a pair, throws on the darkest clothes he can along with one of Jeongguk’s bucket hats, and leaves the apartment with his phone clutched tightly in his hand, sound on just in case his boyfriend decides to reply.
It’s only once he’s outside that Taehyung notices it’s raining, and for a second, he considers going back up for an umbrella but then—then he hears screams, and his heart both stops and races along with his steps, following the sound of multiple people yelling and things breaking. He doesn’t even consider his own safety at this point, doesn’t even try to come up with something to do in case it is Jeongguk the one who’s gotten into a fight; Taehyung just runs, clothes getting wetter by the second, and begs for Jeongguk to be okay.
He stops when he reaches the corner of the alley he’s in. Trying his best to be silent, Taehyung approaches and peeks through the corner, eyes squinting as he tries to make out the faces of the people in there through the rain. None of them look like Jeongguk, bodies either too big or too small, and he lets out a relieved sigh then.
“Where the fuck are you, Jeongguk?” he mutters as he walks away when he hears glass breaking. Street fights aren’t weird in the neighbourhood and they usually take place late at night, the people involved probably too drunk or too high to even feel anything at all.
Shivering, Taehyung accelerates his steps as he tries to come up with a place where Jeongguk would go. Knowing the younger, it’s probably somewhere important for the development of their relationship; Jeongguk is sensitive like that, which was one of the things that drew Taehyung in, to begin with.
From the moment he saw Jeongguk with a pink bunnies phone case and giggling at a video of a dog Jimin had sent him, Taehyung knew he was going to love him so, so dearly—just like he does now. Unlike the rest of their friends, Taehyung and Jeongguk met the last; the youngest had been at Busan when Taehyung befriended Hoseok and was introduced to the rest of them. The rest of his friends, especially Yoongi, always talked about Jeongguk and Taehyung had assumed he wouldn’t like the guy very much based on that.
The moment Jeongguk crossed the doors of the café with big, glassy eyes and a bag full of presents for his friends and Taehyung despite not knowing him at all, though, he realized how wrong he had been in his assumptions. He vividly remembers how he teared up when he opened his present and found a keychain with a tiny tiger hanging from it, forgetting any honorifics when he hugged a prettily blushed Jeongguk with all his might and thanked him around ten times in a row.
That’s the first place Taehyung goes to; the café where they first met. But it’s closed—of course, it is—Jeongguk isn’t anywhere nearby, and Taehyung can feel his heart deflate a little. The next place he goes to is the cinema where they had their first date. The movie they watched wasn’t one that Taehyung liked, but Jeongguk looked so happy watching it, eyes lighting up whenever a superhero appeared, that he couldn’t have minded it any less.
There was no cliché scene such as their hands brushing when they were eating popcorn, but they shared their drinks and, at some point, had a silent popcorn fight that ended with Taehyung’s curly hair full of them and a proud Jeongguk removing them without cutting eye contact. They didn’t kiss but they did hold hands throughout the rest of the movie and even while they were having dinner together at Jeongguk’s apartment that night. They held hands so much and so tightly that their palms started sweating at some point, but none of them minded it.
Jeongguk isn’t there either.
They had their first kiss at their university campus, and so that’s where Taehyung goes next. It’s silent, not a soul is walking around—if he’s not wrong, it’s probably finals season—and he is almost certain Jeongguk isn’t going to be there either. But he still goes, sits under the rain on the exact bench it happened and allows himself to remember. It happened around this time, too; Taehyung had been visibly stressed because of the exams and he had barely had time for himself.
And then, out of nowhere and after around a week and a half after he last spoke to Jeongguk, the younger boy appeared in front of Taehyung’s classroom and grabbed his sleeve, not letting go of it for a second until they sat down even though Taehyung was silently following him. Then, already on the bench, Jeongguk rummaged through his bag and took out two sandwiches and a tiny bottle of banana milk along with another tiny bottle of strawberry milk.
His cheeks had been really, really red as he handed the latter to Taehyung along with a sandwich.
“I just want to make sure you’re eating well,” he had said, voice small and nervous. A smile appeared on his face when Taehyung’s hand took the food, only growing bigger and bigger as he started eating it. “Do you like it? You told me you liked strawberry milk before.”
“Thank you, Gguk-ah,” Taehyung chirped as he took a bite of his sandwich. Then, cheeks full and round, he continued, “I like it. But the fact that you thought of me and bought me food?” He swallowed and smiled. “I like that way more.”
And Taehyung had always imagined he would be the one to take the step forward and kiss Jeongguk, but when a few minutes later, stomach full and cheeks hurting from laughing so much at what Jeongguk was saying—something about Hoseok and horror movies—Jeongguk suddenly leaned forward and pecked his lips… well, it all changed. Again.
Taehyung remembers reaching for Jeongguk’s hand to lace their fingers together in the middle of the kiss; remembers the way Jeongguk, with red cheeks and wide, excited eyes, had smiled at him before kissing him again, much surer and more eager this time.
He can’t help but cry a little when he remembers, letting the rain soak him from head to toes at this point. Because he’s remembering what having Jeongguk feels like right after fighting about him leaving, even if it’s for a limited amount of time, and after leaving room for a possible breakup. Taehyung doesn’t want to let go of his boyfriend just yet, though. He’s not ready, doubts he’ll ever be.
Taehyung loves him too much.
That leads him to the place where they said I love you for the first time. His legs ache, his whole body is shaking from the cold and he feels emotionally drained. If this isn’t it, then Taehyung doesn’t know where the hell Jeongguk has gone to. The messages he’s left him—even the new ones—are still unread, his calls unanswered, and Taehyung is scared. Scared for Jeongguk’s safety and scared for their relationship.
“I love you, Jeongguk. But sometimes I wish I didn’t.”
His own words slice through his heart like knives. Taehyung will never regret loving Jeongguk; even if they’re over after this, even if he gets hurt along the way; it will all be worth it. Because he got to hold someone as precious as Jeongguk, got to kiss him and touch him, make him moan his name like it’s the only thing that matters in this world, and make him cry happy tears with his silly surprises and presents at random points of the month. Without a reason, without wanting anything in exchange besides a smile. Taehyung is happy he got to make him smile that much.
And now he’s scared, sobbing because—
“I’m so stupid,” Taehyung cries, knees giving in as he allows his body to give up and curls under the tiny underside of a balcony.
Because, usually, Taehyung sees forever in Jeongguk’s eyes. And today—today he erased it.
He loses count of the time he spends in there, hugging himself and crying his heart out because how stupid can he be, really? Sure, he’s hurt that Jeongguk didn’t tell him he was planning on leaving for a while, but he also knows he would’ve eventually done it. And yet he had lost his cool, said things intending to hurt him, and now that he’s facing the consequences, he regrets every single word.
He’s shivering under the rain without any idea of where Jeongguk is and feels so useless; like he doesn’t know his own boyfriend well enough to know where he ran away to. But, still, he stands up and dials Jeongguk’s number again, keeps walking until he’s in front of the stupid parking lot of a crazily expensive restaurant.
Jeongguk had told Taehyung that they were going on a date. They had been dating for a few months then and had had a lot of those, but this time, Jeongguk told him to dress for the occasion. He picked Taehyung up at nine in the evening driving a pickup truck that was definitely Yoongi’s and then, when they were parked at the restaurant, he had sheepishly turned to Taehyung and said, “I wanted to take you to an expensive restaurant, but I’m still a broke college student and I can’t afford it so I came up with this idea. Please, don’t freak out, but we’re going to have dinner in the back of the car tonight.”
To say Taehyung had been surprised is an understatement. Jeongguk, dressed in a black suit, even opened Taehyung’s door and held him by the waist to help him get in the back of the pickup truck, where he hadn’t noticed was a pink, fluffy blanket, speakers, and a portable fridge. They had dinner there, Jeongguk even going as far as playing some low classical music on the speakers to “get the atmosphere right” and bringing a bottle of wine with him, too.
The music lasted for about five minutes before Taehyung changed it to a lo-fi playlist, though, and Jeongguk had sighed in relief, which made the two of them laugh.
“I know it’s not the same as being in the restaurant, but…” Jeongguk said, trailing off, once they had finished their dinner and were lying down on the blanket, stargazing even though there were no stars visible in the sky. For Taehyung, though, they were all in Jeongguk’s eyes.
Taehyung had laughed, throwing a leg on top of Jeongguk’s and hugging his middle, scooting closer and nuzzling his neck before saying, “It’s the best date ever, Jeongguk. I never asked you for an expensive restaurant and I’m never going to. This, this date you have organized—every detail, every thought you’ve put into this, is way more meaningful to me than some expensive, overpriced meat. You could take me to see a rock and I would be the happiest man alive, Gguk-ah. As long as I have you by my side, every date is the perfect date.”
“Tae?”
“Hm?”
Then, a whisper right after a soft press of lips to his forehead, “I think I love you.”
Looking up to him, Taehyung’s eyes had shone with unshed tears when he whispered back, “I think I love you, too.”
That night, when Jeongguk dropped him off at the apartment he shared with Jimin, Taehyung had shouted at the top of his lungs, “Jeon Jeongguk, I don’t think I love you! I know I do!”
And, despite being shy, his boyfriend had smiled and shouted back, “Kim Taehyung, I know I love you, too!”
Jeongguk isn’t at the parking lot, either, and Taehyung is running out of places to look at. He tries to squeeze his mind, tries to remember something he knows he’s forgetting, and then it hits him. Taehyung runs, and runs and runs and doesn’t even care when he falls and his jeans rip at the knees; doesn’t even care when a driver honks the horn of his car repeatedly at Taehyung’s—definitely not safe—way of crossing the street. Because he knows where Jeongguk is, and Jeongguk is Taehyung’s whole life. His beginning and his end.
Where did we begin?
It wasn’t when they first met. It wasn’t when they first kissed, or confessed their feelings, or went on a date.
Where did we truly begin?
It was at the rooftop of the apartment Jeongguk shared with Yoongi. They had been drunk, had just known each other for a few days and, still, somehow, they ended up together there. Taehyung remembers talking about this with Jeongguk.
“That day at the rooftop, when you spilled the leftover of your beer on top of my hair and then I did the same with you,” Jeongguk had said, “it felt like the beginning of something. I remember feeling excited; looking into your eyes and seeing a future I had always wanted but never thought could be mine. You carried—you carry all these promises in your eyes, Taehyung. And that day, despite barely knowing me, you promised me a life in which I could be loved loudly, without restraint, no matter what the end of it would be. I thought about running away, I really did. Love has always scared the shit out of me…”
“But you didn’t,” Taehyung finished for him. Then, pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose, he added, “I felt it too, Jeongguk. When we first met at the café, I knew I could love you, but that day—that day I decided I would.”
When Taehyung arrives at the rooftop after taking the stairs—because the elevator hasn’t been working for years now—he’s panting and his legs burn so much that he has to hold on to the wall for a few seconds before opening the door and walking into the rooftop completely. He closes his eyes and begs, prays for Jeongguk to be there because if he’s not, then Taehyung won’t know where else to look and he might just go crazy and call the police. And then, when he decides to look—
Nothing. There’s no one but him and his broken heart in there.
A sob wrecks through his throat, his body shakes as he starts walking down the stairs, and, taking his phone out of his pocket, he texts Yoongi.
[TAEHYUNG] 12:52 AM.
Hyung
Can I please crash at yours?
The reply comes when he’s already at Yoongi’s door, about to knock.
[YOONGI-HYUNG] 12:55 AM.
Sure
Where are you?
[TAEHYUNG] 12:55 AM.
At your door
Please open up, I’m freezing
And the door opens up. The door opens up and it’s not Yoongi there, but Jeongguk with an umbrella in his hand and big, wide eyes when they meet Taehyung’s tired ones.
“Wait, Jeongguk-ah!” Yoongi’s voice comes from behind him, the tiny elder appearing next to Jeongguk seconds later and frowning at Taehyung. “Well, he wasn’t lying when he said he was at my door, damn,” he mumbles, eyes scanning Taehyung entirely. “What the hell happened to you, Taehyung? You’re going to catch a cold, come in.”
There are a few beats of silence, Taehyung’s eyes filling with tears again inevitably before he speaks, voice hoarse, barely a whisper, and eyes never once leaving Jeongguk’s. “You’re okay.”
Jeongguk blinks at him once, twice before his brows furrow in a frown and his lower lip juts out in a pout. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he asks harshly, hurt.
“I-I don’t know, you weren’t coming h-home or replying my texts a-and I—”
“Taehyung, come in and get changed! You’re soaked, for fuck’s sake. You two can solve your problems later,” Yoongi says, words ignored.
“You what?” Jeongguk huffs, arching a brow. “Were worried? You said you wished you didn’t love me so why the fuck would you worry now?”
“I didn’t—I was hurt, okay!” Taehyung exclaims, voice breaking as tears finally spill down his cheeks. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it, you should—you should know I could never mean it. B-But how do you expect me t-to react when you have been hiding from me the fact that you’re going to leave? I’m fucking scared, Jeongguk! Why didn’t you tell me? It’s not even that big of a deal! If you had just told me, I would’ve understood! I’m sorry I said what I said and I’m sorry we fought but I can’t be sorry for being hurt!”
A sob wrecks its way through his throat, legs giving in again as Yoongi quickly pushes Jeongguk aside and holds him up, muttering some curse words under his breath as he walks Taehyung inside the house.
“Jeongguk, go run a warm bath for Taehyung.”
“But hyung, you know I—”
“You two are not kids anymore, okay?! So, don’t act like one. Yes, Jeongguk, I get it. You’re hurt by Taehyung’s words, but is it more important than his health? Look at him, would you? The poor guy is going to turn purple soon or something,” Yoongi scolds and Jeongguk nods, looking embarrassed as he leaves for the bathroom, umbrella long-forgotten near the shoe rack. “Taehyung-ah, let’s take off your clothes, yeah?” Taehyung nods, tears still rolling down his cheeks relentlessly as he lets Yoongi take off his clothes and leaving him in his underwear, wrapping a blanket around him and rubbing his arms on top of it. “Better?”
“A little. It hurts.”
“What does?”
“My head,” he confesses. “My heart, too. I hurt him, hyung. I know I hurt him a lot. I don’t even—why am I always fucking up?”
“Honestly?” Yoongi begins, deflating a little. “Had it been me, I would’ve probably broken up with him in an impulse or something. What he did was wrong too, Taehyung, even if it wasn’t his intention to hurt you. You two are at fault here and have hurt the other, but you’re adults, so talk it out like such, would you?”
Jeongguk clears his throat from the hallway, body leaning on the wall and looking at Taehyung with concern written all over his face now. “The, uh, the bath is ready.”
“Thank you, Jeongguk-ah. Now go in, Taehyung. It’ll make you feel better.”
Nodding, Taehyung stands up and walks to the bathroom, legs wobbly and trying to ignore his boyfriend as much as he can. His heart clenches, aches with the need for reassurance that they’re okay, that they will be, but he doesn’t do anything about it. He’s tired and cold and definitely needs that warm bath.
“Can I—Can I go in with you?” Jeongguk asks then, hand wrapping around Taehyung’s wrist ever so gently. He’s flustered, cheeks red, and looking at his feet, avoiding any eye contact. “Just to make sure you’re okay and stuff.”
“Sure,” Taehyung mumbles, something warm settling in his chest because at least the younger boy still cares, right? That can’t be bad.
Yoongi appears then, entering the bathroom and leaving a set of clean clothes on top of the sink’s counter. “They’re Hobi’s clothes since mine probably wouldn’t fit you.”
Taehyung snickers. “Thanks, hyung. I’ll pretend I don’t know why you have Hoseok-hyung’s clothes with you.”
“Brat,” the elder says with a chuckle, shaking his head and leaving the bathroom. The door closes with a click, leaving Jeongguk and Taehyung inside, and then, in a louder voice, “Don’t you dare leave the bathroom until you two have fixed your shit!”
Silence fills the room then. Taehyung looks at his shaking hands for a few seconds before he unwraps the blanket from his shoulders and it’s definitely not the first time he’s been naked in front of Jeongguk but for some reason he feels exposed, scared of something unknown, intangible.
Jeongguk seems to notice, for he turns around and waits for Taehyung to get rid of his soaked briefs and get into the bathtub, only turning around once he hears the water move. Taehyung sighs, eyelids fluttering shut at the warm feeling that runs over his whole body and at the relaxation of his muscles.
Jeongguk is the first one to break the silence, sitting on top of the toilet and asking, “How long were you outside?”
“I—I don’t know? Two hours, maybe?”
“Two—Taehyung, what the hell?! It’s basically pouring out there!” he scolds with a frown, eyes wide as they scrutinize Taehyung as if trying to make sure he’s okay. His eyes fall on his knees then. “You’re hurt.”
“What?” he asks, voice dripping with confusion. Following Jeongguk’s gaze, he sees two scratches on his knees, one of them pretty small while the other has some dry blood on it. “Oh. I fell on my way here, but it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt.” What hurts is on the inside, he thinks. His arms hug his knees to his chest then, his chin propped on them as he closes his eyes again. “Are we—Jeongguk, are we over?”
Taehyung hates the way his voice wavers. Hates the way he sounds so terrified, so weak—but he can’t hide the fact that losing Jeongguk scares the shit out of him. In a way, he wants him to know, to feel just how much he means to Taehyung. It’s their first serious fight but Taehyung can’t help but wonder if it will be also the last, and he knows he’d rather go through this again and again than lose Jeongguk forever.
There are a few beats of silence in which all Taehyung can hear is the beating of his own heart, and then, voice broken, Jeongguk speaks. “Why would we be?”
He’s crying. Jeongguk is fucking crying and it’s all Taehyung’s fault, he knows it is. Knows he’s pushed Jeongguk too far today and knows he’s feeling guilty of Taehyung’s state, but—
“It’s not your fault,” Taehyung replies instead. “I decided to go look for you, Jeongguk, and I’m the one who forgot to take a damn umbrella with me. It’s not your fault.”
“But I’m the one who ran away.”
“And I understand why you did.” He looks at Jeongguk’s tear-stained cheeks, at his big, glassy eyes, and the soft pink on his cheeks; takes it all in and can’t help the tiny smile that plasters on his face because God, he’s so in love with him. “If I heard those words from you, Jeongguk,” he begins, smile dropping as well as his eyes, that focus now on the water, “I would’ve done the same or something worse. I didn’t mean it, I just—I’m scared, you know? Suddenly I find out you’re planning to leave for a while a-and I simply don’t know what to do, Jeongguk. I would’ve understood, you know I would’ve, so I just didn’t get why you wouldn’t tell me. I just—I freaked out.”
“I know you didn’t mean it,” Jeongguk says after a few beats. “I know that, but it—it made me doubt, you know? Because you said you did mean it with so much conviction, my mind couldn’t help but think that maybe you really did.”
“Jeongguk, even if we don’t end up together, even if you end up hating me, I will never regret loving you. To me, you’re—you’re the most precious thing I’ve ever had. How could I ever want something else? When I’ve seen you smile at me like I’m your whole world; when I’ve seen you laugh so much you ended up crying; when I’ve been there to see you push through the hardships you’ve encountered and I’ve felt so, so proud of you when you’ve made it through them afterwards. How could I ever want someone else when I’ve seen and held your heart in my hands, Jeongguk?”
At this point Taehyung is straight-up bawling again, body shaking with the force of his sobs as his mouth keeps opening and closing, his mind trying to come up with a way to explain, to show his boyfriend just how much he means to him. He can’t. Instead, he adds, “I love you, I always will. Everything with you feels new even when we’ve done it thousands of times before. You give my days a purpose, you make everything easier; I could never wish for anything other than loving you, Jeongguk. Please, please believe me.”
“Don’t cry, Taehyung,” Jeongguk cries, squatting in front of the bathtub and hesitantly placing a shaky hand on Taehyung’s cheek, thumb wiping the tears. “Don’t cry, my love.”
Taehyung only cries more, let it be because of the pet name or because Jeongguk doesn’t sound particularly mad anymore. One of his hands wraps around Jeongguk’s wrist as if he’s scared the younger will let go and he leans into the hand on his cheek, eyes closing as more tears fall. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jeongguk. Please don’t leave like this ever again. I-I was so scared…”
“I’m sorry too, Tae. I’m really sorry. I just—I tried to explain it to you, but you wouldn’t listen and I understand that, okay? I understand that you were mad, but…” He sighs, his cheeks colouring a pretty pink as he directs his gaze to his own thighs, embarrassed, and lets go of Taehyung's cheek to twiddle his thumbs. “This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I’m not leaving for work, nor am I leaving you here,” he says, and Taehyung’s whole world seems to freeze.
He blinks. “What? But Namjoon-hyung said—”
“Namjoon-hyung, as always, almost spills everything we’ve been planning, so he tried to hide it and did a terrible job,” Jeongguk says. He looks somewhat pissed and Taehyung simply does not understand a thing. “I’m not leaving for work, Tae. It’s almost winter break, you know that, right?” Taehyung nods. “Your birthday is coming soon, too.”
“I know that,” Taehyung says, exasperated. “Just—Jeongguk, please, tell me what’s going on before I lose my mind. I don’t understand anything.”
After taking a deep breath, Jeongguk lets it all out. “It was meant to be a surprise. A vacation, kind of, for you and me, because it’s been a while since we’ve had some time for ourselves. And I mean actual time for ourselves, not just—squeezing some cuddles into our busy schedules whenever it’s possible.”
Taehyung’s chest feels like it’s about to explode. His emotions are mixed, he doesn’t know what to think or what to say at all. He’s, of course, relieved to hear this; to know that Jeongguk did not lie to him on purpose, that it was all meant to be a surprise and that it was all a misunderstanding. On the other side, though, he feels even guiltier now for saying what he said and for not giving his boyfriend the chance to explain himself. Taehyung is sure that, had he given him the chance, Jeongguk would’ve told him earlier when they were arguing in their apartment.
There’s also a lot of love in Taehyung’s heart right now. Because Jeongguk wanted to surprise him and spend more time together the way they used to do, and even the fact that Jeongguk thought about it means a lot and makes Taehyung really, really happy.
When he doesn’t reply, Jeongguk goes on, this time a bit more nervously. “I’m sorry. I probably should’ve asked you for your thoughts on this, too, before planning anything—but everyone was willing to help, both with finding a place and with the money, since we’re not exactly rich. Seokjin-hyung said it’d make you really happy if I surprised you with this and I wanted to. I really just wanted to make you happy, Tae. I’m sorry. We can—I can still cancel everything if you don’t wanna go. But please, don’t be mad. I’m really sorry.”
Taehyung aches all over as he watches Jeongguk’s face contort in pain, obviously trying not to cry, but he fails, looking to the side at the same time that tears start spilling, gliding down his cheeks, and soft whimpers leave his lips.
“Jeongguk,” Taehyung calls, grabbing his hand in his and squeezing. Jeongguk only cries a bit harder at this. “Baby, I’m not mad. I just—there was a terrible misunderstanding and I refused to listen. I’m sorry. I’m not angry, please, look at me.” When Jeongguk does, Taehyung gives him a shaky smile and kisses the hand his holding. “I love you. I love you, and I absolutely want to go on that vacation with you. The fact that you wanted to surprise me with it makes me really happy, too. I’m so sorry about everything I said, really. This is just—God, I’m such a mess.”
“It's... It's okay. Can we please not fight anymore?” Jeongguk asks, opening his eyes and looking at Taehyung, who is also crying now. He sniffles and squeezes the brunette’s hand a bit tighter. “I love you.”
“Let’s not fight anymore,” Taehyung agrees.
Jeongguk pulls away a little to take Yoongi’s shampoo bottle and squeeze some on his hands before starting to massage Taehyung’s scalp with them. “Do you know where we’re going to go?” he asks, sounding a bit happier now despite the way tears are still present on his cheeks.
“Where?”
“Paris.” Jeongguk smiles a little at the sight of Taehyung’s hair full of shampoo and resumes his task, ignoring Taehyung’s gasp. “I know you’ve always wanted to go there.”
“But that’s—God, Jeongguk, that must be so expensive! Are you crazy?”
“I told you!” Jeongguk whines. “The hyungs are helping me. Well, us. They said they wanted us to relax a little and gave me a small amount of money each. I just have to pay for the rest, which is… affordable. Kind of.”
Taehyung snorts, looks away with heated cheeks and shakes his head. He really can’t believe they were genuinely planning all of this behind his back. “You know I don’t like accepting money from them, but—” He chuckles lightly, watching as Jeongguk’s eyes sparkle with fondness. “I’ll let it slide this time. Only because I really, really wanna go to Paris with you. With the love of my life. Honestly, I want to go everywhere with you, even if it’s to the convenience store down the street.”
Jeongguk giggles. “That’s what forever is about, isn’t it?” he asks with a smile as he picks up the showerhead and starts to rinse Taehyung’s hair with so, so much care that he feels like crying again.
And it is. Hours ago, Taehyung didn’t know where all of this would lead to; he believed Jeongguk would just leave, that he didn’t tell Taehyung anything because he was going to break up with him—and it hurt and was an awful experience, but it was also part of their growth as a couple. Their first serious fight, but they’ve made it through it. Because seeing Jeongguk, touching Jeongguk, loving Jeongguk—it’s worth the pain that misunderstandings like this one can cause.
Taehyung’s heart aches only from imagining himself waking up on their bed alone without his boyfriend by his side.
“I hope you know I expect you to take me on a date to the Eiffel Tower or something just like in the movies,” Taehyung jokes, trying to light up the mood a bit as he finishes cleaning his body up. “Hand me a towel? I’m turning into a raisin here.”
Laughing, Jeongguk does as he’s told and Taehyung dries his body, putting on the clothes Yoongi left for him and stopping before throwing on the hoodie. He turns to Jeongguk and smiles sheepishly.
“Jeongguk.”
“What is it, love?”
“Can you put on Hobi-hyung’s hoodie and give me yours?” he asks, cheeks heating up. “I just missed you a lot.”
“Sure,” Jeongguk replies with a big, wide smile; one of those you can see in the eyes. Once Taehyung is on Jeongguk’s hoodie, he hugs himself and takes in the smell of Jeongguk’s cologne, feeling comfortable and at home, finally, after a tiring day. Jeongguk’s smile widens as he takes a smaller towel and tugs at Taehyung’s hand. “Let’s dry your hair, come here.”
He dries Taehyung’s hair in silence, both of them simply enjoying each other’s presence. When he’s done, Jeongguk leaves the towel on top of Taehyung’s head, who pouts, and then time seems to stop when they look into each other’s eyes for more than five seconds after their fight. All laughter dies down, red-rimmed eyes serious, and Taehyung sees it again: the silent promise of forever in Jeongguk’s eyes is still there, just as strong as it had been the last two years if not more.
He closes the gap between them, capturing Jeongguk’s upper lip between his and starting a soft kiss with nothing else but apologies and love involved. He wraps his hands around Jeongguk’s neck, pulling him closer, and his boyfriend’s hands rest on his waist in a soft way, not rough at all before one of them moves to Taehyung’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb and making the brunet laugh into the kiss, happy.
Taehyung pulls away for a few seconds before joining their lips together again, this time their mouths slowly sliding together. And when they separate, the brunette presses his chest against Jeongguk’s and hugs him with all his might, nuzzling his neck and sighing in relief when the other hugs him back, chin resting on his shoulder.
“Taehyung?”
“Mhm?”
“I’ll love you forever.”
And forever it is. Let it be here or in Paris, Taehyung’s forever will always be Jeongguk.