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soonyoung has been told that koi no yokan is a japanese term for the feeling you get when you haven't fallen in love with someone yet, but you know you're about to.
he knew he was bound to fall for jeon wonwoo not long after they first met: they were at jeonghan's house and wonwoo was sitting on the couch playing fifa with seokmin and getting his ass beaten — wonwoo really does suck at fifa. after another match had ended, wonwoo caught soonyoung staring at him and the way he held his gaze briefly after opening up an embarrassed but very warm smile shifted something in the atmosphere. seokmin was still teasing wonwoo, jeonghan was still laughing at them from the small kitchen as he washed the dishes, there was still sound and music coming from the tv and, assumably, the world was still spinning just fine. but that was the first time soonyoung felt the pull he still feels today, undeniable.
that time soonyoung was leaning against the wall right beside seokmin, who shared the couch with wonwoo. they had told soonyoung to sit several times but he didn't. he and wonwoo had met for the first time just a few weeks ago but soonyoung was already aware of how dangerous it can be to sit next to the two of them when they're too immersed in any competitive activity. he knows because it can be like that for him as well. so he just stayed there, watching and eventually making snarky remarks. right before the next match began, wonwoo looked up at soonyoung again, light flickering in his eyes with something that looked a lot like anticipation. like he was double checking. it lasted a millisecond and then he was smiling once more, softer and smaller now, just for soonyoung to see and soonyoung understood. wonwoo had felt it too.
it's been four years and a couple of months since that defining evening at jeonghan's. soonyoung and him don't work at the same office anymore and their group of friends has doubled its size after jeonghan and seokmin finally started dating. wonwoo was just the first friend seokmin brought along, mingyu, seungkwan and chan were also part of the unspoken deal. now they're a terrifying group of thirteen people that no one would've excpected they'd be so good together and yet they just are, crazy as it sounds.
gathering all of them at the same time can be quite hard lately, though, which makes today a special day. it's no one's birthday and there's no relevant news to celebrate but after six months everyone is hanging out together and that itself is worth some celebration. they're all probably making way too much noise but the waiters and waitresses or the manager don't seem to care because they know the bill's gonna make up for it. thirteen men eating together means an almost unfathomable amount of food and drinks. and maybe a bit of a mess to split the bill later.
wonwoo sits right across soonyoung at the table, having some deep and meaningful conversation with junhui about how he's managed to decipher what each kind of "meow" from his (and soonyoung's) cat, spock, means. junhui, as a fellow cat dad, agrees and further explains how his own cat, beans, is only a few meows away from human speech.
“are you paying attention to that nonsense?” jihoon's voice calls from soonyoung's left. past jihoon's half annoyed tone there's a thick layer of affection and amusement.
“i, too, am a cat parent now, jihoon-ah. this conversation is of my interest as well,” soonyoung jokes and shifts his body to his friend's direction — or tries to, anyway, with the limited space he has among all those people. several parallel conversations have taken over the table and it's not like there isn't room enough for the thirteen of them but they all have this tendency of just, you know, sticking together, gravitating around each other like they’re some sort of solar system. whatever people say about closeness and warmth, body parts randomly bumping into each other and hands being held just for the sake of it. it’s true.
“parent,” jihoon flexes the word, emphasizes it. “not a tutor. parent.”
soonyoung rolls his eyes. “the word tutor is too cold for my liking, spock is my child.”
minghao barges in the conversation from behind jihoon, pointing a finger at soonyoung and his reddish nose accuses the tipsy state he's in. it's almost adorable. “why are you talking just like seungcheol-hyung?”
“seungcheol-hyung is a dog dad and he understands the feeling, i think that’s what you're referring to,” soonyoung says matter of factly and gets a sip from his beer, taking it slow for now because it's too early and he's too much of a lightweight.
“you guys are not dads,” minghao replies exasperatedly and, although his brows are furrowed in worry, it's quite comical. jihoon even looks back to watch and soonyoung indulges in his friend's silent wish for some entertainment. on the other side of the table, mingyu and seokmin are also trying to pay attention to their exchange.
soonyoung places a hand on his chest and sighs dramatically, closing his eyes and feigning offense. “i feel as if spock came out of my womb, hao. he is my child, whether you like it or not.”
“hyung,” minghao affectionately calls soonyoung the way he does when he's about to explain something complex. he speaks lower then, squinting at soonyoung. drunk minghao is a lot of fun. “you do not have a womb. i sometimes worry about you.”
jihoon is doing a lousy job trying not to laugh at minghao but minghao doesn't seem to mind his very presence, suddenly immersed in his mission to kindly tell soonyoung how much of a weirdo he is. minghao is not entirely wrong but, in soonyoung’s defense, they’re all wonderfully weird and that’s likely the reason why the thirteen (!) of them get along like a well calibrated machine.
“you don’t have to,” wonwoo interrupts from his seat, grinning. soonyoung’s stomach kickflips at the sight and the tone of wonwoo’s voice as if they had just started dating. the feeling warms up his insides. “i take good care of him, myungho.”
“excuse me,” soonyoung clears his throat and shoots a playful look at wonwoo. “we take good care of each other. this is a team.”
he can guess more than actually see the way seokmin beams at them, always so proud of being their (unintentional) matchmaker. seokmin did nothing but introduce the two of them and he meant nothing by that at the time, didn’t even know soonyoung that well to know they would hit it off. but they did anyway — quickly, effortlessly, naturally. people around them say it’s almost like magic but soonyoung and wonwoo know better than that: magic was only the first spark, it’s willingness in its various forms keeping their lights always on. when soonyoung felt that strange pull for the first time, he could’ve ignored it. or worse, he could’ve gotten comfortable once he realized how easy things are with wonwoo but there’s so much “magic” can do, after all. and wonwoo is a keeper. so soonyoung does all he can to keep him as close as he can, every single day of their lives.
“i thought we were a team?” chan says swinging his hand, pointing to all thirteen of them.
“we are,” seungcheol replies, presumably the drunkest between them, holding what has to be his sixth or seventh glass of beer. “they’re like a subunit of sorts.”
wonwoo guffaws earnestly and throws his head back, nose scrunched and teeth on full display and soonyoung feels as if struck by lightning. this is not a rare sight, especially to him, but there’s something in the air today, this strange yet soothing and comfortable feeling. it’s belonging, he recognizes. with wonwoo, too, but more than that. it’s wonwoo and everything that comes along: their huge group of friends sitting at a small restaurant and eating as much as they can, laughter filling the place and good food filling their bellies. it’s the knowledge that he’ll come home with his favorite person to find their cat (god, soonyoung never thought he’d want a cat in the first place! but now life seems stupid if spock is not in it) asleep on their bed. keyword here is their. because soonyoung loves to have his own stuff and to be on his own when he feels like it but he wants to, no, he longs to spend the rest of his days with wonwoo and everything that’s theirs.
the pull in soonyoung’s stomach has turned into a fishhook and it twitches in all directions, it makes him want to throw up a little, blurs his vision. and to think he barely drank not to make a fool of himself… now there he is, excusing himself to the toilet feeling dizzy and hoping no one notices because, ugh, he’s madly, annoyingly, sickly in love. even more than he thought he was.
soonyoung doesn’t really know how he even got there but he has his head under a faucet, trying to find ways to explain his wet hair when he comes back to the table in a few minutes. in his head, wonwoo’s various types of laughter play on loop. five minutes ago at the table, laughing at something vernon had done with his face. just this morning, watching a cat video on the couch. last night during sex, low and out of breath but ever so amused at soonyoung’s antics. last week watching doremi market in bed, hands mindlessly running through soonyoung’s hair. soonyoung realizes he could just keep going, he’s been committing each of these moments to memory without even realizing. it’s suffocating, terrifying, like he’s drowning in his own happiness, body about to collapse.
a burst of laughter comes from outside the toilet and soonyoung can tell them all apart as if they have different colors. wonwoo would love it if his were a bright purple but, to soonyoung, it’s pure silver, steady and shiny; some sort of guiding light. he turns off the tap and inhales deeply and slowly, giving himself time to adjust to the sudden emotional uproar. the air fills soonyoung’s lungs and brings along a wave of understanding. it’s gentle yet sovereign and, just like that everlasting pull resident on his stomach, it’s undeniable.
i’m gonna ask him to marry me. now. it has to be now.
it's an abrupt conclusion to his very abrupt meltdown and soonyoung is known to be impulsive at times but this is going to surprise even his oldest friends. he hopes to catch a glimpse of jeonghan's and hansol's face.
soonyoung has had plans of marrying wonwoo for a while, they have talked about it just like any other couple who have spent some years together do — but they haven't prepared for it, haven't gotten into actual, proper planning, hell!, they haven't even asked each other yet and, if he's being completely honest, they don't have money for a big nice wedding. but soonyoung doesn't care. besides that pull there's also this need to tie his life and wonwoo's together in every way they can. marrying is just another one of them and even if they don't have a penny now, soonyoung doesn't mind. he'd marry wonwoo at this very own restaurant, he'd have seungkwan singing iu acapella while seungcheol officiates the union and the rest of their friends and the staff serve as a witnesses and he also wouldn't mind having kimchi instead of cake. he'd gladly have this small thing with these people and that would be enough to make him happy throughout the rest of his days, to fulfill him and his desire to take another step on his journey with wonwoo; the one step that will define every step they will take after.
soonyoung thinks he should be scared. as he tries to dry his hair with some paper towels, he notices he's not. each step he takes out of the toilet and back to their table reassures him that this is the path he's supposed to take in order to be happy for the longest time.
three people are looking carefully at soonyoung when he gets to their table: seungkwan, jeonghan and wonwoo. everyone else is too tipsy to notice how long he was gone or not to dismiss the dampness of his hair as something caused by all the sweating that comes with drinking and eating spicy dishes. jeonghan shoots a look at him that feels like a question and soonyoung mouths a ‘hold on’ back at his friend and hopes it’s enough but as he just stands there instead of taking a seat, the twelve of them at the table gradetively go quiet and turn their eyes to him. realization dawns on soonyoung once again but this time it hits him like an asteroid, it catches on fire and he feels as if his whole body is ablaze. the way they’re all staring at him, he might as well combust anyway.
soonyoung finds wonwoo’s eyes on him, scanning for an answer as much as waiting for any sign that soonyoung needs him to get up and take him home immediately. it’s worry, yes, but it’s also care and an unexplainable amount of affection and it reminds soonyoung of what he wants to do, what he has to do before his heart pops out of his chest and lays itself bare for all to see that it has wonwoo’s name and fingerprints all over it — that it’s wonwoo’s and wants to be his for the unforeseeable future.
marriage. alright.
“uh,” soonyoung mumbles and thinks he should have spent a few more minutes in the toilet if it meant that he’d have at least something similar to a speech prepared. every marriage proposal that soonyoung’s seen happened only in movies and he doesn’t think he’s cultured enough to make his own proposal sound half as poetic. his friends’ eyes are on him but the only pair he can see are wonwoo’s, his boyfriend’s brows furrowed in confusion and soonyoung understands he must speak soon not to worry wonwoo any further. he has something great to say so why can’t he just spit it out? shit. shit.
chan’s lifts his head slightly, trying to see soonyoung better from where he’s sitting at the end of the table. “hyung,” he calls. it’s tender and soonyoung feels his own expression soften (he hadn’t realized his own clenched jaw nor how his face has turned into some kind of grimace, probably from thinking too much). his eyesight unblurs and he notices his friends’ faces once again. “is everything alright?”
this is a good start, actually. soonyoung breathes in and for some reason he remembers the periodic table, wonders if the molecules of O that we inhale turn into other letters as they go up our brain because he sure needs a handful of words right now.
“yeah,” soonyoung says and closes his hands into nervous fists. the movement does not go unnoticed by wonwoo and soonyoung looks at him, focus on him, decides he must speak to him first if all these feelings are meant to be said out loud. “everything is pretty alright, as a matter of fact. i just… i need to say something but you guys know i suck at words sometimes.”
wonwoo shakes his head, denies soonyoung’s affirmation and that’s the thing about him. that’s what soonyoung needs so desperately to say. fuck this inner monologue shit, he knows his own heart, knows its content. as soonyoung pursues his lips, wonwoo gives him a reassuring smile and it almost brings soonyoung to his knees. “i love you,” he blurts out and wonwoo laughs again. the world stops spinning.
“i love you too, hyung,” soonyoung’s vision shifts to where the voice came from and it’s mingyu, cheesy grin plastered on his face. it should be somewhat annoying but it’s not, it’s one of the reasons for this whole commotion: how everything here feels right. even his irritating friends. he wants them close for as long as he wants wonwoo with him. it’s almost like his wish is to marry every single one of them — in a way, it kind of is. he’ll tackle this feeling later, though, now is not the time.
“sheesh,” soonyoung dismisses mingyu with a hand motion. “you’re not helping. i mean, you kind of are...” mingyu smiles sheepishly and grants an eye roll from soonyoung. “but as i was saying, wonwoo, i love you. and— hold on.” he asks as he notices wonwoo opening his mouth to speak. “i need to— i need to finish this, okay?”
inside soonyoung’s ears, his heartbeat is deafening and he can barely hear his own voice. when his eyes turn from wonwoo for a millisecond, hansol is looking at him curiously and it provides him the leap of courage needed to keep talking. he beams at hansol before focusing on wonwoo once again, for the third time now. wonwoo tilts his head to the side in expectation and there’s just the slightest hint of a smile on his lips.
“what i was saying is that i know today is not a special day but i’m very happy that we’re all here — that i get to see all of you and that this is something wonwoo and i get to do together, that we all get to be together like this. it would be a lie to say i’ve been thinking of doing this for a long time because i haven’t but that does not mean i’m not sure of what i’m about to say, so, please, just— just hear me out, alright? i just want to do what i can to ensure there will be many more days like this, wonwoo: when we’ll wake up together, do our things together and then do our things separately and then meet at the end of the day to be with the people we love and do the things we love, only to come home later, to our home.”
soonyoung can hear someone crying, he’s pretty sure it’s seungkwan and what’s really surprising here is that he isn’t crying too. it will probably come to embarrass the hell out of him once this adrenaline rush is gone. wonwoo’s still looking at him and soonyoung feels seen, bare, but it doesn’t scare him because it’s wonwoo and wonwoo simply doesn’t mind, he takes all of soonyoung without question. he’s doing it again at this very moment and acceptance engulfs soonyoung like an invisible blanket, protects him from his own insecurities.
everyone waits for him in an unusual silence, though for some of them it’s kind of clear where soonyoung is going (some of them being jihoon and jisoo, who have exchanged some knowing looks as soonyoung grapsed for more air and some more courage before he could talk again). the lack of interruptions comes from a lot of effort on soonyoung’s friends’ part, talking is sort of their expertise, so he must continue speaking as to honor their hard work.
“i need you to know, wonwoo, but i also want everyone in this room to know how important the life we’re building together means to me — because they’re part of it. it is you and i together but this is family as much as our families back home and i feel like we belong with them as much as we belong together.” (“god!”, seokmin shouts from his seat, sniffing and nose blowing into a napkin minghao had just handed him.) “so if i am to ask you to marry me, i might as well do it with them as our audience.”
the room explodes in shouts and laughter, someone screams “i fucking knew it!” and soonyoung thinks he can hear some of the waitresses behind him crying. turns out half of the staff ended up there listening to his speech. yet wonwoo is standing still, looking at soonyoung as a single tear makes its way down his cheek and fear almost takes over soonyoung if it wasn’t for the stupid, stupid smile that blooms across wonwoo’s face. soonyoung can’t see anything else.
“we don’t have money,” wonwoo whispers and soonyoung doesn’t know how but he catches it.
“shush, all of you!” jeonghan complains and soonyoung laughs, relief running through his veins as wonwoo’s smile keeps on growing. “wonwoo hasn’t said yes.”
“if he doesn’t say yes then i’m gonna say it for him!” junhui interjects with his mouth full of jjajangmyeon to what jihoon retorts with an annoyed “no, you’re not” and it’s weird and too funny for a marriage proposal but soonyoung wouldn’t have it any other way.
“we don’t have money, yes,” soonyoung replies to wonwoo and he wants to walk the few steps that separate them but he’s afraid of breaking down at the slightest touch of skin so the right thing to do is to say everything before heading over there. “i also don’t have a ring,” he chuckles and everyone laughs along. “you see, this was a very sudden decision, darling. but ten minutes ago i realized i couldn’t go much longer without having you as my husband so i figured this was the right thing to do. we can figure out the rest later. together.”
there’s a loud ringing in soonyoung’s ears as wonwoo lifts up from his chair and walks over. when wonwoo takes soonyoung’s hands in his, a supernova blasts somewhere in the vast universe, marking an end and a new beginning. soonyoung’s knees fail him (as expected) when wonwoo holds him close, cups his face and stares deep into his eyes — they almost fall to the floor but the months of going to the gym three times a week with seungcheol pay off and wonwoo manages to maintain them in place. there’s a whole party commencing around them as their friends celebrate but soonyoung can’t hear any of it, the dark of wonwoo’s eyes are too pretty for him to focus on anything else. he’d make a home in them if could, if his home wasn’t already somewhere in the crook of wonwoo’s neck, where it smells like skin and soap and safety.
“you really are full of surprises, darling,” wonwoo manages to say almost into soonyoung’s mouth. soonyoung is holding onto him for dear life because his knees can’t be trusted but also because everything they have ever done led them to this right here and as much as soonyoung can’t wait to walk every step of their path together, he also wishes he could encapsulate this moment and keep it frozen in time, saving the incomparable expectation of a whole future alongside the love of his life exactly as it is. not because he’s afraid of whatever awaits for them, oh no, but because not knowing what lies ahead can be such a thrill when you have the best of people with you.
“you ain’t seen nothing, yet,” soonyoung breathes out and closes the small distance between them. it’s not thunder and lightning as he thought it would be given the myriad of feelings inside him, it’s calm and reassuring, it grounds him. wonwoo’s mouth tastes like soju and black bean sauce and there’s nothing really romantic about that but it’s also something soonyoung’s used to: these very real details that come with having someone around for so long. when you don’t pretend not to have morning breath anymore, when you know how the other person tastes at any given time and it doesn’t matter. you take it, you like it. and there’s plenty of romance in that, soonyoung believes.
despite the urge to deepen the kiss, they break it instead. they’re at a restaurant with more than a dozen people, after all.
“did he say yes?” jisoo bursts their inivisble bubble with a shout and when soonyoung looks at his friends again, happiness spread all over their faces as if they’re the ones getting married (and maybe they kind of are), realization dawns on him for the last time that evening, settling deep in his chest like a stone at the bottom of a lake. he wouldn’t trade this for the world.
“he hasn’t!” soonyoung fakes an outraged look at wonwoo, still in his embrace, warm and blissful inside. even his false annoyance can’t last when wonwoo watches him like he’s the sun, eyes skimming his face’s every detail and love dripping from them. soonyoung knows the answer but he asks the question because he wants to know how it feels to actually hear it. “jeon wonwoo, will you marry me?”
wonwoo laughs but, cheesy as it may sound, soonyoung hears wedding bells instead. it’s crazy to believe that one body can hold so many feelings without collapsing, his skin intact despite the constant burning under it that intensifies when wonwoo looks like pure joy personified. he’s not ready when the words leave wonwoo’s lips.
“yes, kwon soonyoung. i will surely, most definetely marry you.”