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A growl echoed the alarm that sounded in the room, pulling the young man out of his deep sleep. A clump of blond hair appeared from under the duvet, as a hand blindly left in search of the phone that produced the sound he hated so much. Probably as much as the morning itself. All he wanted at that moment was to go back to sleep. And that's what he was going to do once he turned off his alarm clock, and so much the worse for his classes during the day, his sleep was much more important. But that was without counting on a new bell ringing in the room, telling him that someone was trying to call him. Luckily he had the good idea to check the name of that person, realizing it was his girlfriend, as he was just about to pick up the phone and scream at the person who was calling.
“ - Hey…
- Hello honey! Am I waking you up?
- Not really, my alarm just did.
- Great! Don’t forget our date at the café before we go to university.
- Yeah, yeah, I know. See you later.
- See you later, babe. I love you.
- ‘Love you too. “
He had totally forgotten the date. And he wasn't too happy about it now that he had been reminded of it. He loved his girlfriend, he was sure he loved her, of course, but he was exhausted. He wanted to rest, because his previous night had not been the most restful. Because each new academic year at university reminded him of him. Because it was shortly before he started university that he had lost him.
Park Jihoon, a law student, led a very ordinary life for someone his age. A group of rather close friends, a girlfriend, decent grades. Everything was going well. But was he really happy with that life? Jihoon couldn't answer that. There was this constant feeling of painful emptiness in him, which deepened in his heart a little more every day, which nothing and nobody could fill. And he knew perfectly well why, even if he refused to admit it, because just thinking about it made it even harder.
Junkyu had been out of his life for years and yet Jihoon remembered everything as if it was yesterday. Time passed frightfully slowly and yet so quickly at the same time, leaving him lost between two time spaces without being able to get out of it. He was no longer in control of anything, not even his own emotions. But he tried to ignore it, because he refused to deal with what he was feeling, it scared him too much.
No sooner had he entered the café than Jihoon already had the urge to leave. He wasn't in the mood to hear his girlfriend talk for more than an hour about going out with her friends or about the new clothes she wanted to buy. They were both so different from each other that he wondered what he was doing with her. Then the real reason would come back to him, and he would push the idea of breaking up with her as far as he could. He loved her anyway. Jihoon was in love with her. He was in love with a girl. Not with anyone else. And she loved him too. So he didn't have any reason to break up. None at all. He was happy, just like that.
Luckily for him, the time to go to university came fairly quickly. Just with a chaste kiss on the corner of her lips he left his girlfriend, heading to the amphitheater where his law class was taking place. There he found Hyunsuk, with whom he had been friends since high school, and through whom he managed to get some news about Junkyu. After all if he and his friend had cut off all contact, the rest of the group hadn't, so he managed to keep himself more or less informed about what was going on in the life of the brunette. It soothed his heart a little, knowing that he was doing well on his own side. Even though he had been the cause of the pain Junkyu had felt years before. But he didn't really have a choice. How could he have done otherwise?
At the end of the class, laughing about a joke Hyunsuk had just made about their teacher, the two boys went to the exit of the building to get something to eat, enjoying their three free hours before their afternoon classes. But Jihoon barely took a step outside before he stopped, his irises pointing straight at a silhouette advancing headlong, his eyes glued to his phone, towards another building, the one where most of the art classes were located. And it didn't take him more than a second to recognize him. It wasn't the first time he had seen him on campus, far from it. He had crossed his path many times in two years, and Jihoon sometimes regretted not having changed his choice of university just for that. And yet, if he was always seeing him, Junkyu didn't seem to be aware of his presence. He had never meet his eyes. His old friend had never turned his attention to him. As if he was just a ghost from the past that Junkyu had forgotten. The only thing that assured Jihoon that he wasn't one was the pain he felt at this ignorance. And yet, if he was still seeing him, Junkyu didn't seem to be aware of his presence. He had never crossed his eyes. His old friend had never turned his attention to him. As if he was just a ghost from the past that Junkyu had forgotten. The only thing that assured Jihoon that he wasn't one was the pain he felt at this ignorance. A simple wandering spirit could not have suffered so much, he was convinced of it. Because at that very moment, as Junkyu walked away from him for the umpteenth time, with only his back visible to him, his heart was torn so painfully apart that Jihoon felt like shouting his sorrow to the whole world, to relieve himself of the weight that weighed on him and crushed him little by little, compressing his lungs and preventing him from breathing properly.
- Hey ‘Suk, can we eat together another time? I just remembered I had something to do, sorry.
- Oh, yeah, no problem. See you later then.
And like this, Jihoon went to the back of the building, after making sure that his friend was no longer able to see him. He just needed to be alone. Because just seeing Junkyu caused too much in him, and he couldn't deal with everything. It was too overwhelming. It had been three years and yet the blond boy couldn't forget him. Unable to turn the page. To close the book. Everything reminded him of Junkyu and their high school years together. He could still remember perfectly well the first time he had seen him, sitting alone at a table, drawing in a small notebook, as if cut off from the rest of the world. A breathtaking beauty. And it had intrigued and attracted Jihoon so much that he couldn't help but go and see him, sit down beside him and try to talk to him. It seemed to him at the time that Junkyu was adorning himself with a shell that he wanted to be impenetrable and that making a place for himself in the life of the dark-haired boy was going to be complicated. And surely he would have given up if his gaze hadn't clung to the boy's, if he hadn't been able to perceive his lips stretching in a slight smile at some of his words. And the days had passed, the weeks, months and years, and their friendship had grown so strong that Jihoon had come to understand that he had made the right choice in imposing his presence at the boy's side. Because Junkyu was his soul mate, as he had so often said. He was his Kyu.
But something in himself was troubling him. Every time he laid his eyes on his friend, whether it was when he was drawing sitting next to him in that park they used to frequent, when he laughed at Jaehyuk's jokes, when he seemed lost in his thoughts or when the delicate rays of the moon caressed his crystalline skin during the late evenings that the group spent together outside, his stomach twisted warmly and his heart was wrapped up in a way that was impossible to explain. Jihoon couldn't understand why Junkyu had this effect on him. And he had only understood when he had asked his mother about it, and she had explained to him that he was most certainly in love with the girl who made him feel this way. But he hadn't had the courage to admit to her that it wasn't a girl. Because he knew it, deep down inside him, neither of his parents were ready to accept such a thing. And neither was he. He had spent his childhood, his whole life even, hearing from his father that homosexuality was not a normal thing, that it was even repugnant, and his mother had never disapproved. Jihoon could not be gay. He refused to be gay. Because it wasn't normal. And he was normal.
But the party happened. Alcohol had certainly helped him, but Jihoon knew that the decision to kiss Junkyu, to make love to him, had been totally his own. He had wanted to, for so long. And he hadn't regretted it at the time. On the contrary. He wished he could have done it again. To let his fingers run over Junkyu's delicate skin, to taste his lips without respite, to discover his body that had come straight from heaven, so angelic was he. In spite of the alcohol flowing in his blood, every sensation had been perfectly felt. He still remembered it. He was still thinking about it.
It wasn't until he woke up that everything had jumped out at him as a mistake. When he had laid his eyes on Junkyu's beautiful, still sleeping face. That he had been reluctant to let his fingers slide on his friend's cheek. To take him in his arms, to stay by his side longer. Because Jihoon was aware of this, it would never come to anything. Nothing would ever be possible between them. Because he wasn't gay, he had only made one mistake. He had wanted to silence what his mother had called love, what he felt for the dark-haired boy. No, he didn't appreciate what had happened between them. But he knew that Junkyu had. And because his mind kept screaming that it wasn't normal, that it wasn't something two boys could do together, a feeling of utter disgust had grown inside him. To whom it was directed, he had not sought to know. The young man had just got up and dressed as quietly as possible before leaving the house to go to his own.
It had not been a very pleasant day for him. He had seen every one of Junkyu's messages, deliberately ignoring his calls. He was not ready to confront him, not yet. Because the younger one would certainly want to talk about what had happened, about why Jihoon hadn't stayed. And he didn't know what to say to him yet. Because he also didn't know what Junkyu was really going to tell him. Did he feel things for him? Things they weren't allowed to feel, because it was not normal. Not normal at all. He could hear his father's voice repeating it to him, tirelessly. He hadn't had the courage to contact his friend until the next day. Only one solution had been imposed on him to make what had been twisting his heart for too long disappear for good. Determined not to back down, he had confronted Junkyu, listened to him confess his love before rejecting him, probably a little violently, too harshly, but he had no choice. It was the only thing he could do, to free himself from this weight, to remain who he really was. And yet, when he walked away after telling Junkyu that he would never see him again, this weight seemed much heavier to carry than ever.
Dealing with his emotions wasn’t easy for Jihoon. No matter how hard he tried, the images of Junkyu kept looping around in his head. His smile was gradually fading to make way for the expression of pain he had seen on the young man's face the last time he had seen him. It was driving him crazy. He hated this vision of Junkyu more than anything else in the world. He wanted to stop thinking about it, to extract every memory of the boy that resided in his brain. And every night he prayed to the stars and the moon to help him forget Junkyu, so that he would become a relic of the past. The brunette no longer had his place in his present, would not exist in his future. So why couldn't he simply disappear for good, as quickly as he had arrived? Why did he cling so much to Jihoon? Or maybe it was Jihoon who was still clinging to what his memory kept of Junkyu? Perhaps his determination to get him out of his life was just an illusion, a pitiful manipulation of his uncertain mind to convince him that he had made the right choice, to leave no chance for regrets.
From an outsider's point of view, certainly it was the dumbest thing in the world, but for Jihoon it was the ultimate proof that he was not gay, definitely not gay. He had accepted the advances of a girl who had been chasing him since high school, he had slept with her before he made her his girlfriend. He was convinced that he enjoyed the moment with her much more than he enjoyed it with Junkyu, that he liked her much more than he liked Junkyu. He knew that she would be the one who would make his heart quicken with every smile, wringing his stomach every time she laughed. That her touch would become the most precious thing to him. That he would cherish her more than anything else in the world. That the love his mother had spoken of would finally be real. He had thrown himself into this relationship a little blindly, determined to prove to the world that he was a normal person. But the whole world didn't need that confirmation. Only he needed it. And that was basically the only reason he had gotten involved with this girl. He wanted to be in control of how he felt, to never lose that control. Because she didn't make him lose it. He still knew what he was doing with her, he was still in control. Not like with Junkyu...
And if at first it had at least helped him to think about something else, it had never erased the gaping void that Junkyu had left. Too many things reminded him of the boy. The walks in the parks, the people drawing, the color pink. Everything around him seemed determined not to let Junkyu fade so easily from his mind, to anchor him there a little more. Jihoon was being punished, had to endure the chastisement he was given. The suffering that gnawed at his being would never stop. It would become imbued with his memories to continue to exist in him, without the slightest respite. And didn't he deserve it in the end? He had made the one who loved him so much, who cared for him more than anyone else suffer, and he had to suffer that pain in turn. Jihoon had accepted it. But that hadn't stopped him from putting on a show, from continuing to act like the perfect couple with his girlfriend, from offering her every possible demonstration of love. Love that didn't exist. Or rather, that existed for someone else. Someone he had lost and would never find again.
Several days had been spent with Junkyu as the only interest in his thoughts. He had had a little over two months of holiday to prepare for his return to university, to face the possibility of perhaps running into his old friend, and yet he hadn't really been able to really prepare for it. His reaction showed it, Junkyu still affected him, more than he would have liked. Because it was almost self-evident now, his feelings had not disappeared. And Jihoon had to accept that. He was in love with Junkyu. Not his girlfriend. He was in love with a boy. Not a girl. Lying in his bed, staring at the white ceiling as if it would suddenly change color or shape, and he had been doing so for many minutes already, the young man was looking for the courage to confront his own mind and finally admit the truth. He needed it in order to move forward. As much as he needed Junkyu. He was well aware of the importance of the black-haired boy, because even two years later, he still hadn't forgotten him, that he still took up as much space in his head and in his heart as before.
- Park Jihoon, you're in love with Kim Junkyu...
His voice had risen in his room in a simple whisper, as if afraid to actually hear it himself. It was a step he hadn't dared to take in all these years, and he was finally taking it. And it released something in him almost immediately, so much that he jumped out of bed, putting on a jacket and shoes with some difficulty, while he was already trying to call Hyunsuk, the eagerness being felt in every gesture he made.
“- Yeah, Hyunsuk, can you call Junkyu and ask him to meet you at the park near our old school? But don’t go to actually meet him.
- Wh-..?
- Please ‘Suk, it’s a favor I’m asking you right now. I can’t contact him, and if you tell him I want to see him he will never show up. I really need to talk to him, it’s important ‘Suk.
- Fucking finally. I will tell him. Good luck, Jihoon. I’m proud of you. “
Hyunsuk hung up almost immediately, leaving Jihoon a little surprised by his words. Finally? He was proud of him? The blond boy had never talked to his friends about why he and Junkyu had stopped talking to each other, and he was pretty sure Junkyu hadn't either. Were his feelings that obvious to discern? A thin smile stretched his lips as he left his apartment, running towards the park where he was going to meet Junkyu, not wanting to waste a minute. After two years, he would finally be able to talk to the boy again. He suspected that Junkyu wouldn't forgive him so easily, but he hoped that he could understand him, that they could both start again from scratch to build something solid, and even though the black-haired boy didn't feel the same way about him as he had two years before, he was fine with it as long as he came back into his life. He received a message from Hyunsuk informing him that Junkyu had agreed to come, and this swelled his heart with both joy and apprehension. He didn't even know what he was really going to tell him, the truth for sure, but in what form exactly, he didn't know. He hadn't had time to prepare anything, and maybe that wasn't so bad, his words would be more sincere.
Jihoon didn't have to wait very long, as it was only about ten minutes after his arrival in the park that he could see Junkyu's silhouette a little further on. Taking his courage in both hands, his heart beating at a thousand miles an hour, he approached him, as gently as possible, because he was now a little bit more scared than a few minutes earlier. What if everything didn't go as he had hoped? After all, there was no guarantee that Junkyu would even agree to stay when he would see him.
- Junkyu...
The few short seconds that elapsed before the young man finally turned around seemed interminable to the eldest, as if an eternity had just passed right before his eyes. His breath paused when his gaze met Junkyu's for the first time after two years. Although he had seen him at university, he had never been able to see him so closely. Their eyes had never met. And it made Jihoon so emotional that he thought for a moment that he would faint. He hadn't felt this much since he and his old friend had said their last goodbyes. It was just too much all at once. Junkyu hadn't changed, except that his facial features had matured. His beauty was still breathtaking. His eyes still carried all the sweetness of the world. But Jihoon was convinced that because they were on Junkyu, his own eyes now carried the whole universe. His universe. The center of his existence. His most cherished possession.
-Jihoon? What are you doing here? Where is Hyunsuk?
- I... I just wanted to talk to you.
- You want to talk? I thought you wanted us to never meet again.
The tone of Junkyu's voice was enough to indicate to Jihoon that he was far from happy to see him. Even his eyes had lost all their softness, now covered with a veil of coldness.
- Listen, Junkyu, I understand how you felt and…
- Oh, you understand?
- Kyu…
- Don’t call me that. You understand nothing Jihoon. You can’t understand. Because it wasn't you who was rejected by the one you loved, more than you had ever loved anyone. It wasn't you who had to live two years wondering why not you, why another. It wasn't you who had to live with the constant regret of having let yourself go, because you wanted to feel loved in return, even just for one night. You can't understand, because you're the one who caused all this. You are the one who tore my heart out in the cruelest way possible. You are the one who wanted to end our friendship. You are the one who chose to blame me for something we did together, and for something I didn't ask to feel. You managed to make me feel guilty for loving, even though I had no control over it. You hurt me so badly Jihoon. You can't even imagine all the tears I shed for you. The hours of sleep I lost because you haunted my thoughts. The ocean of suffering that I drowned in during those two years, from which I haven't even come out yet. I refuse to make the same mistake twice. So, as you said yourself, let’s never meet again, Jihoon.
Unlike the first time Junkyu had expressed all his feelings to him, he had not cried. All the coldness of the world emanated from his words and as if it had even influenced the sky, it seemed to Jihoon that the temperature had dropped sharply, almost making him shiver. Or perhaps it was just the work of his now frozen heart, stung by the icy peaks that had been Junkyu's words. Junkyu hadn't waited for Jihoon to even try to answer him before turning his heels and walking away, the blond frozen in place, unable to make the slightest movement to hold him back. So that was how the younger had felt. That was what it was like to be rejected by the one you loved. Jihoon almost regretted the immense emptiness that had been inside him for so long, unable to bear the pain that was suddenly piercing him, making him more vulnerable than ever. Without him realizing it, tears had come to moisten his cheeks. He still hadn't moved, even though Junkyu had long since disappeared from his field of vision. He refused to believe it. His mind refused to accept it. Junkyu had refused to listen to him, refused to let him say what he had to say. It must have taken him too long to come back that the wounds he had left in the brunette were now irreparable.
The young man finally decided to go back home, understanding that Junkyu would not go back on his decision, that he would not reappear in front of him. It was a lost cause. The final point of their story had just been put down on paper, impossible to remove, with no hope of writing more lines. It was finished. And if he had spent the last two years without Junkyu, without even thinking of talking to him again, the pain he felt now was like no other. It made him give in as soon as he went home, the boy collapsing to the floor, his knees touching his chest, the pain hugging him with all its strength, forcing him to stay close to her. The tears had not stopped flowing, like a river torrent in a storm. It hurt. It hurt so much. Too much. So bad that Jihoon wanted to curl up a little more on himself and scream out his despair. And that's what he did, his voice breaking the silence of his house, expressing all the pain that inhabited him. He was just a lost boy, in search of himself, looking for love. The cruel love that made him pay for having denied and denigrated it for so long. Jihoon felt like a frightened little boy, trembling at the idea that some awful monsters would come after him. But what he was afraid of today was himself. Of what he felt. Love was described everywhere as the most beautiful thing in the world, and yet at that very moment Jihoon could swear he had never seen anything so horrible. And like the kid he was at the time, the boy could not handle it alone. His hand trembling, he searched for his phone, struggling to find the number of the only person who could calm him down, despite the fear that had inhabited him for a few years to reveal the truth to her. With his phone glued to his ear, his body gently rocking back and forth as the sobs didn't leave a moment's respite in his throat to let air into his lungs, Jihoon listened to the ringing until it stopped, indicating that the person had answered his call.
- Mom, it hurts… Help me, it hurts so much…
And his mother had indeed helped him. It didn't take her long to come to him, finding her son curled up in the middle of his living room, crying his sorrow. The pain he was feeling was so violent, so obvious, that she, too, almost cried. Seeing her child, her treasure, in such a state was tearing her heart apart. She had sworn to protect him from the whole world, but she could not stop him from suffering so much. Jihoon had felt her arms wrapped around his bust, and he had huddled up against her like a puppy that had stayed too long away from its mother. She stroked his hair tenderly and whispered sweet words to him, as she had always done since he was young. When it seemed to her that he had calmed down, that his emotions were no longer exploding all around him, she asked him what had happened to him. And Jihoon told her everything. Junkyu, his feelings, his homosexuality that he had denied so much, his fear of other people's judgment and especially of his parents' one, the party, his mistake, what he had inflicted to Junkyu, and what Junkyu was now inflicting to him in return. Silence had reigned for a few minutes at the end of his story. His mother's embrace tightened, and it was with all possible tenderness that she kissed his forehead, as if he were still a child, because in the end he would still be her baby.
- Oh, Jyun... I'm so sorry I let you think that I wouldn't accept you the way you are. It is true that I never contradicted your father on what he said, even less in front of you, because you know him, he is stubborn and never changes his mind, especially on this kind of subject, and I wanted to keep you away from our arguments. But I would never have rejected you. You are my son Jyun, my most precious treasure. I would accept you and love you always, no matter who you love, no matter what could happen. I am sorry you had to endure this for so long, on your own. I should have been there for you, to help and advise you, that's my role as a mother. And that boy... Junkyu, right? I think you have to give him some time Jyun. Surely he didn't expect you to come back so suddenly, that it took him by surprise and he couldn't find anything else to protect himself but to put you in his place, to make you feel what you made him feel. So that you could understand him. But I'm sure that everything will work out, sweetheart. The love that binds two human beings is always stronger than anything else, I promise you that. Now, go take a shower, to relax, I'll make you some food and you'll go and rest afterwards, you need it. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep, okay?
Without a word, the boy nodded, getting up to go to the bathroom. His mother's words had soothed his heart, but he felt exhausted now that all the emotions had subsided, that the chaos within him had given way to a lull. All this had drained him of his strength. So, as his mother had advised him, Jihoon took a shower, tasted the food she had prepared just for him and, after taking her in his arms one last time, he went to bed, with Junkyu's face as his last thought before he fell into the arms of Morpheus.
The days following his discussion, if it could really be called that, with Junkyu, had been filled with distress and suffering. Jihoon had been unable to get out of his room, and despite his mother's words of assurance that everything would be fine, he couldn't help imagining the worst, that nothing would go right, that Junkyu hated him now more than ever. This simple thought was tearing him apart from the inside, making his whole body suffer. The only thing he had managed to do during those few days was to break up with his girlfriend. He hadn't given so many details, he had just said that he fell out of love, as simply as it was. Of course, she had tried to change his mind by explaining at length that they were made for each other, that she was convinced that they were. But Jihoon knew it, his heart belonged only to Junkyu. He was the only one for whom he was made. No one else. And forever, no matter what happened. He was destined to love him for the rest of his life, to perhaps have to suffer from his absence, from a lonely and defeated love. But as long as he was not forbidden to love Junkyu, he would surely be content with it.
As he had been used to it for days, the blond found himself buried under his blanket, rolled up in a ball, waiting for sleep to come and embrace him to soothe his pain for a few hours. He had never been heartbroken, and he hoped it would heal quickly, as it was certainly the worst thing he had ever had to endure.The hands were moving slowly on the clock face, showing that it was past one o'clock. Perhaps with a little luck he wouldn't spend the night completely awake, as it had already happened. They were always so long, when his only company was his gloomy thoughts, filled with a Junkyu that was moving away from him. A little further away each time, out of his reach.
And as if to free him from the vicious circle he was plunging into, the doorbell of his house rang, making him suddenly stand up again, his eyebrows furrowed. He wasn't expecting anyone, especially not at that hour. The young man then grabbed his phone to check that nobody had sent him a text to inform him of their arrival, for whatever reason. Nothing. This only added to his confusion. Slowly, Jihoon got up, walking through his darkened flat until he reached the front door. At first a little hesitant, he finally decided to open the door, thinking that a burglar wouldn't have bothered to ring the bell. And he swore that his heart had stopped for a moment in front of the vision that then presented itself to him.
Here, in front of his door, was standing Junkyu, wrapped in a thick coat and a scarf, with dark circles digging into his pretty face. Time seemed to stand still as their eyes met, Jihoon's emotions creating a total chaos within him. He didn't know if he was happy to see him, afraid of what it might mean, curious to know why. Everything was jostling in his head, but one thing reigned over all the others for sure, and that was Junkyu. It had always been Junkyu. Time went on until the body of the black-haired boy came into contact with his own, his arms clutching him so tightly that Jihoon thought one of his bones would break. He must have fallen asleep and his mind was playing a trick on him to break him a little more when he would wake up. And yet it all seemed so real. Junkyu's embrace, his smell, his hair tickling his face. He then allowed himself to hope a little, that it was true, passing his arms around the younger one, delicately, as if for fear of breaking him, that he would suddenly disappear if he put too much force into it. His face tilted slightly so that his nose would find its place between the locks of the boy's hair. He swore that he felt him trembling against him, his sobs echoing in the corridor of the building.
- Kyu..?
- Hoonie, I'm so sorry... I... I shouldn't have...
- Shh, shh, it's okay, calm down. Let's talk about it inside, come here.
Almost without detaching himself from him, because a minute further away from Junkyu seemed unbearable to him now that he was at his side, in his arms, he made him enter his house, closing the door behind him. He turned on the lights and led him to the living room, making him sit on the sofa. With his face thus lit, he could see that he was indeed crying, and it broke his heart. It was one of the visions he least wanted to see in the world. Jihoon left the young man for a moment and went into the kitchen to filled two glasses with water.
His gaze fell on Junkyu as he returned to sit beside him, handing him one of the glasses. The silence weighed on the room while the youngest swallowed a few sips, and it was Jihoon who broke it, his fingers playing with the fabric of his jogging pants.
- So... What are you doing here ?
- I wanted to ask your forgiveness. I'm so sorry Jihoon... I just... When you came back, it was so unexpected and... And I got scared. I was afraid that it would start all over again, that I would suffer the same way I suffered two years ago. Because the truth is... I still love you, Jihoon. No matter how hard I tried to make any of my feelings for you disappear, because you hurt me, a lot, and I was convinced that you would never want to speak to me again, I never succeeded. They never ceased to exist. Maybe it's because you never really left my life, that I saw you far too often for my liking at university? I don't know. But having to live with my feelings, knowing that they weren't reciprocated, made it even more painful. So yes, when I saw you again in front of me, when you wanted to talk to me, I couldn't find anything else to do but run away and try to hurt you too. And that was stupid, I realise that now. I apologise a thousand times. And I also apologise if it's the last thing you want to hear from me, but I love you Jihoon, as much as I did two years ago. I've missed you so much, you can't imagine...
Jihoon couldn't believe his ears. Junkyu, the boy he had been in love with for two years now, and whom he thought he had lost forever, confessed his love to him again. His feelings were no longer one-sided. His heart was no longer alone. He would no longer be alone. His throat tightened under the sob that wanted to escape, a few tears coming to his eyes. But he didn't want to cry, not now, not even with joy.
With all the gentleness in the world, he came to place his hand on Junkyu's cheek, to make him raise his head towards him, their eyes crossing again. The blond bowed gently forward, his forehead coming to rest against the brunette, their breaths mixing. He felt revived by this closeness, this contact with Junkyu. And he couldn't bear to have it taken away from him again, he knew it.
- I'm the one who should say sorry Junkyu. Because I'm the one who hurt you first. Out of pure selfishness. And out of fear. I want you to know that I never meant a word I said to you. Nothing was ever your fault. You never disgusted me. Quite the opposite. If you knew Kyu... If you only knew how wonderful I think you are. How I could spend hours looking at you. You're so precious to me, and always have been. But back then... I couldn't accept it. Accept my feelings. Accept myself. Because I grew up in an environment where I was told that it wasn't normal. So inevitably, when I realised that what I felt for you was much more than friendship, I freaked out. I didn't want that. I wanted it to go away. I wanted us to keep our friendship. But I never succeeded either. So I wanted to reject you, after giving in to my desires, to the love I had for you. I assure you Junkyu, I don't regret that night. I would never. It was the most beautiful night of my life. Because you were there, against me, I could feel you as close to me as possible. You were so beautiful, a real angel that was offered to me. But I fucked it all up. Because I wasn't mature enough to understand that we weren't doing anything wrong. I went so far as to force myself to be with a girl to convince myself that I was like everyone else, normal. But I understand now... I understand that there is nothing strange about it. About me. About us. That you mean a lot more to me than what people might think. And that I love you. I love you so much Junkyu. My heart is bursting with love for you. There is so much of it that I can't control it. I could take the stars as witnesses of my love for you, besause they were there all the nights I spent thinking about you, crying because I thought I had lost you forever. Nothing is more important that you are for me. The whole world could be in danger, about to disappear, you would be the one I would try to save. I would choose you over anything else. All I want is to be with you. To have you in my arms. To make you happy and to cherish you as the marvel that you are. I want you for myself alone. I would understand perfectly if you want to take your time, if you want us to wait any longer, because you...
His words died against Junkyu's lips. It was short, too short, chaste and almost shy, but Junkyu had just kissed him. And that had been more than enough to shut him up, his irises plunging into the younger's ones, surprised. The latter moved back, just barely, his hand resting on Jihoon's hand on his cheek. The smile that lit up his face made the blond boy's heart miss a beat. He hadn't seen it for so long. It was the most beautiful thing in the world and he wanted to photograph it to make sure he could observe it every day, without exception.
- I don't want to wait. I've waited enough already. We have waited enough. I can't do it anymore. I want to be with you Jihoon. I want to be able to love you as much as I want, knowing that you love me back. I'm so happy right now, and I don't want to spend one more minute away from you.
It was Jihoon's turn to smile. He had dreamed so much of hearing these words. A joy like he hadn't felt for two years invaded him, to the point where he doubted he could keep it inside him and that it could explode at any moment. His free hand slipped over Junkyu's hips and he gently brought it closer to him, coming to meet him, his lips meeting the other's ones for the second time. The kiss was longer this time. He was able to discover the younger's lips that he had missed so much. There was no hurry, they were taking their time, and yet, they could feel the lack that both had felt, as much as the happiness of finally finding each other again. Junkyu's arms had found their place around Jihoon's shoulders in a tender embrace. All their love was transcribed in this kiss. Jihoon was trying to make Junkyu understand that he was his whole world, while Junkyu wanted Jihoon to know that he would never let anything separate them again.
When they parted, they couldn't help but laugh softly, their faces still close. It was Junkyu who first broke the eye contact, nesting his head in the hollow of the older man's neck. The silence lasted a short while, the two young men simply savouring each other's presence, to finally find themselves with the hope of never leaving each other again. And again it was Jihoon who spoke first.
- So, now, I can really say that you are my Kyu. Just mine.
- Yes, I guess you can say that.
The smile that stretched Jihoon's lips was so big that it hurt his cheeks. He was so happy. So happy to find his Kyu again. To know that he was now only his now. His fingers went up along the young man's back to tenderly caress his hair.
- Let's go to sleep okay ? It's late, you must be tired.
The younger one simply nodded and that was enough for Jihoon to put his arms under his thighs, lifting him up without the slightest problem, with Junkyu's legs now wrapped around his waist. And that brought a new smile to his face. He really looked like a koala at that moment, and he thought he was absolutely adorable.
He went to his room and put the younger on his bed. Junkyu wasted no time in taking off his jeans, before slipping under the blanket, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And that's how Jihoon felt. It was where Junkyu belonged.He wasn't supposed to be anywhere else but here.
The older one came and lay down beside him, his arms wrapped around the boy's bust, who immediately came and huddled up to him, his head against his chest, Jihoon's face finding its place against the top of his skull. Nothing could have interfered with their happiness.They had found each other again, and would never leave each other again. Their hearts were finally beating in unison, playing the same loving melody. And nothing else mattered.
- I'm so happy Hoonie...
Junkyu's already half-asleep voice rose in the room, and Jihoon tightened his embrace around him, kissing his skull. He couldn't even put into words the happiness he too felt. It was too intense.
- And I'm happier than I've ever been, Kyu.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
And that's how they fell asleep, both of them soothed for the first time in two years, next to the one person who could make them happy. With the only person who could fill the emptiness in them. Both loved and in love.