Archive of Our Own

Sunghoon isn’t good at expressing his feelings, he’s not a sensitive person and he doesn’t often show himself vulnerable in front of others, he’s not good with words and for a good portion of his life he’s reserved himself to only ever expressing his deepest worries and interests on a sheet of paper, hidden away in a tacky holiday box at the back of his closet, never to be seen by the questioning and judgmental gaze of his family and friends.

It’s not a journal, not one of those fancy emotional sketchbooks either; Sunghoon writes letters, sometimes to no one, sometimes to himself, but more often than not, he finds himself writing hearty thirty page love letters, sealed away in small pink tinted paper envelopes with full names, all for the sake of feeling a closure he’ll never get, not being the shy and reserved introvert he’s always been.

It all started with Choi Soobin, the kind senior that showed him around back in seventh grade and whom he fell in love with for almost all three years of middle school, he’d write long dramatic letters to him and bury them away in a shoe box in his closet, until eventually, his feelings died down and the older began dating someone else- someone his age.

It wasn’t long after Soobin that Sunghoon found himself infatuated with the sweet foreign boy that accompanied him during summer camp at fifteen, HueningKai lived a good two blocks from his house and they remained friends even into his freshman year of high school, he wrote letters to him for a very short period of time compared to the lengthy three years of word vomit under Soobin’s name, however, his feelings were cut short when he moved and their outside-of-school communication was cut entirely.

A constant in Sunghoon’s life throughout all the heartbreaks and messy handwriting on an embroidered frame notebook's torn pages were his childhood friends Jay and Heeseung, they were close in a way that ran deeper than most, all three of them spent a lot of time together growing up and so did their parents, it's always been the kind of friendship that meant knowing every detail of each other’s most embarrassing stages in life, Sunghoon had probably known them for longer than he’d known his own younger brother Jungwon.

When all three of them became high school age- Heeseung enrolling one year before the two of them, Jay traveled back to the US to study two semesters and see if he liked the atmosphere more, Heeseung and Sunghoon began spending exorbitant amounts of time together due to the younger’s shy nature and, eventually, he became a recipient to the letters as well.

Heeseung was unreachable in a way that none of his previous crushes had been, not only was he a very, very close family friend, Sunghoon was a brother-like presence in his life, the elder trusted him with tasks like smelling his breath before leaving the house and helping him clean his closet, there was never any mystery left in their relationship and sadly this also included having to listen to him ramble about his own romantic misadventures, sometimes even helping him make them happen.

He was desperately aware that the elder was unattainable, so he never tried- saving his strongest feelings for multiple paged letters about how stunning his big shiny eyes were, how adorable the curl of his lips was and how sweet and calming his voice had always been, it was embarrassing to read them, even more embarrassing knowing he’d written them with every ounce of honesty existent in his body.

He’d never felt so strongly about anyone else, not only because he’d never known any of his previous almost-lovers that well, but also, because it was his first time actually spending time with the person he liked and unabashedly speaking to them on a regular basis, Heeseung was kind and sweet and loving and infinitely understanding, there was no way he’d only ever like him as a friend, which is why it was so hard to move on from him. Every single time Sunghoon attempted to get over his strong and unprecedented feelings for the older, he’d show him some insanely caring and unique gesture, something only a good friend would, and Sunghoon would fall right back for him as if silently resigning was never an option.

When Heeseung became resident of the theatre club and naturally created distance between them due to his busy schedule, his feelings faltered ever so little and for a short period of time he found himself infatuated with the school’s soccer team’s youngest member Jake Sim, who’d become target of his affection after generously gifting him a carton of his favorite flavored milk and sharing his lunch with him one unfortunate morning where Sunghoon had forgotten his lunch at home, Jake told him his moles were pretty and fixed his uniform necktie.

Now, his feelings for Jake were never even half as complicated, intense, or debilitating as his feelings for Heeseung were, but nonetheless, he also wrote his fair share of lengthy letters about the bright twinkle of his round and pretty eyes, “When Jake smiles it’s like the whole world stops spinning, how could someone ever be so sweet and gentle?” it was a messy thing, liking Jake Sim, but little after their interaction doubled down in recurrence and his feelings became more flickers of physical attraction when looking out into the soccer field and casually locking eyes with him, the letters stopped coming and since then, no one has been lucky enough to be the recipient.

______________________

It was the first semester of his third year, Jay had just gone back to Korea after overstaying in the US and deciding American university wasn’t what he wanted in the future, Sunghoon was more than happy to finally have a close friend again and his letter habit had been long forgotten in the old soggy ornament box at the back of his closet, strategically placed next to the old shoe box filled with their family’s Christmas decoration, ironically enough.

“Hyung, please stop eating the dough, this is really important!” Jungwon scrambled across the kitchen to shoo both Sunghoon and Jay away from the large batch of student-council-vice-president-to-be-welcome-cupcakes he’d been stumbling to make for hours, the younger had only become a freshman that year but quickly began to involve himself in student council activities, as typical Jungwon would- and unfortunately, quite a lot of his class president work involved running errands for his seniors with the same position, as he wasn't yet old enough to turn vice president by the school's regulations, the predicament of being young was what his elders called it, Sunghoon thought maybe child labor was a better way to describe it.

“If you stop being stubborn and let us help you…”Jay trailed off as he licked dough off his finger, Jungwon scrunching his nose and glaring at him as he shoved the tray into the oven with shaky hands, Sunghoon nonchalantly sucked on the spoon he’d used to mix it. “Won, didn’t you say you had to get the secret Santa letters?” The younger’s face fell as he recalled the messy to-do list he’d pinned to the fridge, luckily enough also rambled to Sunghoon for hours about, he’d been adorably excited about his vice president-to-be tasks when he’d first gotten them.
Their school was known for holding numerous yearly events to keep up the spirit of the students, during the holidays it was easy to lose track of the excitement due to the final exams before winter break and it was hard to arrange an activity that would not only spread the seasonal spirit but also not intervene with regular student activities- secret Santa cards and letters were the usual tradition, sometimes coming with a side of extravagant gifts, typically, students stuck to Christmas and new year styled messages, sometimes romantically, sometimes not.

Dashing out of the room with a string of curses spilling out of his lips, Jungwon hesitantly asked the two boys to remove the cupcakes when the oven finished, Jay diligently agreeing and patting his head before he left, his intentions with Jungwon were exactly what you’d imagine.
Sunghoon and Jay did as they were told, both of them pinching a cupcake that ended up not inflating quite as nicely as the rest of them, all the while Jungwon paced frantically around the house trying to find not only their box of seasonal ornaments to donate for the school’s Christmas tree, but also the hefty stack of ready to deliver letters his senior had given him.

Here’s where Sunghoon missed some very crucial, important moments that could’ve prevented a very big mess, as he and Jay relentlessly devoured the one cupcake they were allowed to try, Jungwon poked his head through the doorway with an annoyed expression, hands gripping their kitchen door frame until his knuckles turned white. “Sunghoon Hyung, do you know where the ornament box is?”
Sunghoon thought for one, two, three seconds, and after swallowing whatever was remaining of the cupcake in his mouth spoke very absentmindedly, “In my closet, next to the shoe rack.” the elder didn’t pay any mind to the elephant in the room, not only had it been a really long time since he’d written a letter at all, Jungwon was also /probably/ not aware of their existence at all, he didn’t even spare it a thought as he continued his casual conversation with Jongseong, one about whether two dogs from different countries could understand each other’s barking- that was his first mistake.

Jungwon juggled three different shoe boxes around, spilling the contents on the floor and sitting to arrange them both in piles, secret Santa letters that Kim Sunoo had asked him to stamp, Christmas ornaments, and his older brother’s no-no stuff that had gotten into the boxes over the years. All letters and post related junk was in a big pile, Jungwon entirely unaware of the fact that his classmates’ nice holiday wishes were stacked amongst long articulate essays about the value of Choi Soobin’s dimples and the heart shaped sparkles sleep deprived Sunghoon swore he could see in Jake Sim’s eyes.
He was indeed a very well mannered and smart kid, Jungwon had not included Sunghoon’s non ready-to-ship letters, as at first glance he could tell they weren’t part of the pile his schoolmate had given him, though he failed to notice all the others as they blended in almost perfectly with the rest, he separated those recipient and envelope-less alongside some old elementary school drawings, an apple heart and an empty plastic container that seemed to have once contained food.

That same evening Jay drove him to drop off the box of secret Santas in Kim Sunoo’s house, all arranged with ribbons and bunched up with the same three colored red, green and gold stamps, full student names on the envelopes of each. This was one of the small catalysts of the tragedy, though as it happened, Sunghoon attentively played persona 5 at home while self indulging with another one of Jungwon’s sugar plum fairy cupcakes and even helped gather the Christmas ornaments into his school bag, by the time the younger was back home the living room and kitchen were both clean and Sunghoon was nowhere to be seen.

Both of them went to sleep on a clear mind, it was a normal night for them, after all.

Morning classes were tough to handle in December, even for someone used to low temperatures after spending a great amount of time at ice rinks during his childhood, the whole concept of being bathed dressed and perfumed at seven in the morning was difficult to grasp for someone like him that though didn’t struggle waking up and getting out of bed, staying awake in class was hard for him, especially with Jay spending most of his classes sleeping beside him on the desk, cheek imprinted with the pattern of the school blazer’s sleeve.

Mid-class, a blushy cheeked sheepish Jungwon knocked on the door, asking their teacher if he could deliver the secret Santa of the day to the class; he was the youngest member of the student council, and all teachers and faculty workers had a huge soft spot for him, their history teacher cooed at the shorter boy and immediately let him in, Jay almost comically shooting up from where he laid sleeping on his desk as soon as the younger’s voice rang in the fairly silent classroom, handing out various notes, letters, cards and teddy bears.

Sunghoon leaned his cheek on his left hand, looking out the window as Jungwon’s small voice listed students’ names in the background, his eyes darting to where the soccer team practiced every Wednesday- instinctively looking for the round shiny head of chocolate brown hair amongst the players, his gaze fixing on the Australian almost as if he were doing the most interesting thing in the world, in a second, the elder looking up into the classroom windows, Sunghoon’s cheeks heating up as if he’d been caught staring, and immediately darting back to where his younger brother left the classroom with a bow, Jay sinking into his seat with a defeated pout as he read through the many cards he’d gotten.

While in social studies, Sunghoon received a cryptic message from HueningKai, a fellow student from a different class, that read: ‘we need to talk, can we meet in the courtyard during lunch break?’ He’d be lying if he said the serious tone of the text didn’t spook him, send a shiver down his spine and make the hairs on his neck stand. There was nothing to fear, though, was there? He hadn’t spoken to HueningKai since the school’s yearly fair where they both got caught in the prison booth for being tall, surely, there was nothing to fear about his ominous text.

As soon as the bell rang, he left the class with no rush, taking his time to drop by the cafeteria for one of his favorite milk cartons before heading to the courtyard with all the ease in the world. He didn’t make it very far, as immediately after leaving the cafeteria he was intercepted by both Jay and HueningKai walking towards him, both with unreadable, clearly distressed expressions on their face, making him immediately freeze on the spot.

“Hey, Sunghoon, we seriously have to talk about something, dude-”

“Sunghoon, hey, can we talk? I don’t know if you got my text, it’s urgent.”

Both of them spoke at the same time, same heavy feel to their words and a both pained and confused expression on Jay’s face, Sunghoon noticed he held his phone tightly in his hand, almost as if he needed to show him something.
He tilted his head instinctively in response, eyes wide in both surprise and fear, he wasn’t sure what to fear yet, but he was most definitely not at ease anymore. “What? Both of you?” Almost immediately, the pitter-patter of running shoes hitting the brick pavement of the outer hallway made them all turn their heads to a desperate running Jungwon that headed towards them, a panicked expression on his face.

It was then that Sunghoon noticed two very crucial details- one, Jungwon gripped the old soggy Christmas box in his hands like his life depended on it, and two, the familiar envelope HueningKai held in his left hand, the taller still sternly looking at him in silence.
“Sunghoon Hyung!” Jungwon yelled so intensely the entire cafeteria’s eyes were on them, his voice high pitched and apologetic as Sunghoon finally looked back at Jay, horrified expression washing over his features as he processed the unlocked screen of his phone showing Heeseung contact info.

Oh my god

Oh no

Oh my god

“Hyung! Run!” All three of them watched Jungwon who almost fully reached their spot mid hallway, Sunghoon thinking for a second before charging the opposite way as both Jay and HueningKai yelled after him- he didn’t hear them, he ran so fast his legs felt like they were moving entirely on their own, he ran and ran for a good five minutes, roughly making out the sound of Wang Yixiang calling out his name, what? He did not remember writing a letter to him.

After running as far as his legs could take him, Sunghoon all but leaped into the indoor gymnasium, panting in the bleacher nearest to the entrance with a hand gripping his chest, for a professional athlete, he surely did need to work on his cardio, a good five minute run under the eye of public scrutiny was more than enough to make him feel like every gasp for air hurt his throat and immobilize his limbs.

“Sunghoon…” A soft voice called from behind him, startling him initially to the point he’d lost his balance on the cold metal bleacher, though he didn’t bother sitting up, instead burying his face in his hands as his mind made sense of who the voice belonged to. “Oh god, not you, please, not you.” his voice came out muffled from behind his hands, loud enough to pierce through the calm silence of an otherwise empty gymnasium, Jake Sim just happened to be there.

The shorter one placed a hand on his back, “Are you alright?” Jake spoke almost sternly, not quite the way HueningKai did, hand still warmly sitting on his back from where he sat a few centimeters above him on the bleachers, making Sunghoon peak through his fingers to show the genuine, concerned look on his face; yeah, this is why he got so many letters.

“Heeseung Hyung was looking for you earlier, I...I got your secret Santa yesterday and-” The taller immediately retreated to his initial position, knees to his chest as he hid his face in his hands. “No! I didn’t send anything, you weren’t supposed to read that- Heeseung wasn’t supposed to read that!” Jake sat still in place, Sunghoon missed the way his expression fell ever so little in disappointment, the hand that rested on his back now slowly caressing the cold surface of his blazer, he was comforting him, even though he had absolutely no idea what was happening.

Jay, who’d been desperately running after him from the moment he began his escape, entered the gymnasium with an annoyed expression, panting heavily and visibly sweating with the uniform’s necktie undone, his voice laced with a mix of both anger and genuine confusion as he hurriedly made his way to both of them, afraid Sunghoon would run again. “Stop running, what the fuck was that? Hyung just called me and he told me about the letter, you need to explain this to me right now, Hoon.” The youngest of the three now sat with his head lowered, hands on his lap, legs splayed out on the cold tiger-eating-a-cobra-designed floor of their gymnasium, no words left to come out of his mouth but the silence of someone drowning in humiliation.

Jake immediately looked up at Jay, the most blinding grin on his face as he spoke with all the ease in the world. “What letter?” Sunghoon squeezed his eyes shut, unable to comprehend the embarrassment of Jake Sim knowing he's not even the only one.
“I don’t think this is any of your business, Sim.” Jay was noticeably bothered by Jake’s interruption, brows furrowed while looking between the both of them as if they’d grown a third head.

“Of course it’s my business, you’re making my boyfriend upset.” Both of them shot surprised stares to Jake who now scrambled to intertwine his hand with Sunghoon’s, the raven haired boy urging his own to respond to the touch, but to no avail.
“Y-your what?” Jay’s voice quivered ever so little, it was one of very few times Sunghoon had seen him do such a thing, he didn’t blame him, not only was Jake making absolutely no sense, the idea of the two of them together was quite a bit inconceivable in itself, soccer team player and popular sweetheart Jake Sim with mysterious and reserved, lanky little old Park Sunghoon? He almost broke into a laugh, even the thought made him feel worse about the letters.

“We’ve been together since April, couldn’t you tell?” Jake spoke with a bite to his words, as if what he was saying should be an obvious, unnecessary piece of information all three of them should be very aware of, Jay’s mouth hung open, brows furrowed; Sunghoon could only think about the encounter he’d detailed on one of Jake’s oldest letters, their bumping into each other at the cafeteria in early April, had he read all of them in one night?

“I- What? Didn’t you think to mention this to me at all? Why are you sending love letters to other boys if you have a boyfriend? Did Jungwon know about this?” A stream of questions spilled out of Jay’s mouth like lava that’d been stuck bubbling under a rock, Sunghoon had no idea how to answer a single one of them, but Jake didn’t seem to squirm under the blonde’s judgmental, harsh and questioning gaze, his hand tightly intertwined with Sunghoon’s and showing no sign of letting go.
“Don’t you have class?”
“Are you trying to run away from me again?”
Jake and Jay squabbled for a good five minutes, not quite answering each other’s questions and Jay not showing the smallest sign of belief about his claims, urging Sunghoon to intervene but the younger being too caught up in his own misery to say a word, ridiculously enough, butterflies rumbled his stomach in response to the Australian’s hand stroking his own.

The bell rang, and Jake yanked them both to stand, the taller struggling to maintain his balance on wobbly, shaky, tired legs, his shoulder bumping into the other boy’s and his gaze falling to the ground under him, he considered spilling his guts to Jay and simply avoiding Heeseung for the rest of his life.

“We do need to go to class, so move along, Park, my boyfriend isn’t up for this right now” Jake’s defensiveness bled into his voice as he gently pulled on Sunghoon’s hand to keep him moving forward, a stunned Jay standing in the empty indoor gymnasium with his uniform a mess, the youngest of the three not daring to meet his eyes as he selfishly hid behind Jake’s warmth; why was he doing this?

A few steps out of the gymnasium and the taller let out a large breath of air he’d been holding hostage probably since the day he was born, the other’s hand falling off his own as he ran it through his hair- a nervous habit of his that his pretend boyfriend found to be extremely endearing. “Why did you do that? What was that?” His voice came off like a piercing sound in the empty vicinity of their school’s athletic complex, Jake staring at him sheepishly with large puppy eyes and the smallest of pouts on his lips. “First of all, you’re welcome.”

His feet nervously fidgeted against the faux grass under them, the quirk sparking a large contrast between his confident attitude inside the gymnasium and the now shy and apologetic one that chased his words away from his lips, how to tell Park Sunghoon he knew about all the other boys? “We need to run to class, people are gonna find out about this super fast and Jay’s not gonna be the only one with questions.” Sunghoon looked at him as if he were insane, pursing his lips in disbelief. “You say that like it’s the most normal thing in the world, why did you tell him we’re a thing!?” His voice was shaky, dripping with both confusion and a small glint of annoyance, his tenderness was starting to wear off in sight of Jaeyun’s lack of disposal to explain the situation.

“Let’s talk after school, alright? Tell your friend we’re going on a date and meet me at the gate after last period, I’ll stick to the story for now and I hope you do, too.” Jake’s stomps on the grass were loud and rang in Sunghoon’s ears like a truck horn, he’d bid him goodbye and even handed him a small paper with his phone number on it, but all fell on deaf ears as his mind still struggled to process everything that had happened in the last few minutes, his phone had been vibrating aggressively in his pocket for a solid ten minutes, probably because he was skipping class, but he wouldn’t even bother checking it, not only because of the upsetting possibility that he might catch a single glimpse of Heeseung’s missed calls and worried messages, but also because he knew Jay was mad at him.

The walk to his classroom was shameful, the entire school’s eyes were on him and not for the reason they previously were, everyone was either curious about his interactions with Jake or simply embarrassed for him after the secret Santa delivered, no wonder they were, his had been the only ones with a named sender, and happened to be a lot more in quantity than any other.
By the time he made it back to the third year building the bell was ringing again for the second to last period, everyone was pretty much aware of Jake’s quarrel with Jay by the time he waltzed into the Home Economics classroom to sit beside his best friend, bashful and insecure, with a perpetual look of absolute defeat on his face.

Jongseong bit his lip as he stared him down, visibly angered and with his arms crossed over his chest, the heel of his shoe drumming over the tiled classroom floor, one of the ever so familiar pink tinted envelopes sitting on his desk making Sunghoon’s stomach twist and turn, why did Heeseung have to show that to him?
“Are you done hiding from me?” Jay tried again, voice stern and with no sign of cowardice behind it, the taller melted onto his seat with bright red ears peeking from behind the long strands of raven hair. “I wasn’t running, just tired.”
“Explain to me what happened at the gymnasium. Quickly.” His voice was a carbon copy of the one Sunghoon had hidden from before, Jongseong was treating him like a future convict in court. “I’m sorry for not telling you about Jake and- and about this...” his hand motioned to the letter gingerly sitting on the desk, his eye twitching as he caught the writing of HueningKai's name on the back; ah, so it was him.

“You guys are actually...dating?” Jay sounded genuinely surprised, almost as if he expected the taller to come clean immediately after he asked, quite honestly, Sunghoon did too, but after images of Jake’s innocent smile that morning- he couldn’t bring himself to ruin his plan like that, throw away all his efforts in defending him from his best friend’s questioning glares, that was his second mistake.
“Yeah, we are, since April.” Repeating Jaeyun’s words like a parrot, the taller buried his face in his arms that rested on the desk, he’d lied to Jay a few times in the past, but it never felt good.
“You have a lot of explaining to do after we get home.”

----------------------------------

It was the fourteenth of december, Jake and him had been “dating” publicly for a little over ten days and school was about to close for winter break. It seemed a little silly to Sunghoon, the way things had escalated since they told Jay that little, innocent and unplanned lie; he avoided Heeseung like the plague- despite being dangerously close before, it was easier than he expected going without speaking to him at all for an entire two weeks, he was proud of it, even.

Jake had explained to him that he’d struggled with the subject of coming out for a long time, dancing around it with his teammates and family members and being unable to tell them the truth simply put and without any room left for misinterpretation, as every single time he tried his words were ignored and he received clueless responses, he told Sunghoon he’d been looking out for the possibility of finding a boyfriend before fourth year to make sure his history was told correctly after he graduated, the taller was clearly the best possible solution, and he was glad to help.

He told Jake about Heeseung, adamantly admitting that quite honestly the one to benefit more from the fake dating situation was definitely him, but that he'd agree with "breaking up" as soon as Jake wanted to do so, what was most embarrassing was talking about the letters he sent him, Sunghoon almost painfully insistent that his feelings for Jaeyun were non-existent nowadays and the elder chose not to pry, he promised not to mention anything about those in front of him and since then, they weren't mentioned a single time.

They were committed, strolling around the school hand in hand and eating lunch together, Jake even went as far as celebrating his birthday with him, the older gave him an old vinyl record of From Under The Cork Tree by Fall Out Boy, an album he happened to have observed him listening to often in the mere five days they’d spent together. Some things he learned about him was that he was endlessly caring, kept an eye out for every detail about him that he could catch, and that he had a way of making everyone feel cared for, even if he showed it more quietly than most.

He’d started getting back into skating a little after school work became less, having to withdraw from that year’s season because of his lackluster grades he struggled to find himself back on the ice without feeling stressed, his city’s ice rink opened when December began and he flocked to it like a bird that’d been freed from a cage.
On Saturdays there was a short period of time where he’d simply roll around the rink mindlessly, trying to chase away his worries about his relationship with Heeseung, blasting music in his ears to completely obliterate the possibility of a thought occurring.

He’d been following the same pattern of twists and turns on the ice for about an hour when he spotted the familiar bright chocolate brown eyes calling out for him from outside of the fence that surrounded the rink- Jake had never come to see him here, not only because he hated the cold but also because he was ‘Absolute shit at skating on anything, not even worth teaching.’ as he’d put it.
Sunghoon was embarrassingly excited about his visit, immediately sliding towards him; his heart skipping as Jake’s hands caught his over the small fence to keep him from missing the spot- he wouldn’t have, in fact, he’d never, but Jake was always there to catch him anyway. “What are you doing here?” He asked, unable to keep the excitement off his voice as his hope filled eyes fixed on Jake and Jake only, the taller couldn’t even put into words how bad he always wanted to teach him how to skate.

I know this is like- your sanctuary or whatever, I hope I’m not interrupting here…” His eyes dropped to Sunghoon’s perfectly tied skates sitting on the ice, not a single string hanging. “It’s really cold anyway and I have no homework and Jungwon called me earlier, he was like ‘Sunghoon Hyung keeps going out to the rink every day, he’s insane.'” Jake's voice raised a few octaves higher, imitating Jungwon’s own as he rambled on about his arrival, endearingly so. “I felt kind of stupid not coming here to see you- only because of the cold, I thought maybe you felt lonely…” He trailed off, biting his lip like only he did, head hanging low under Sunghoon’s piercing gaze, he couldn’t tell if it meant he was happy or annoyed to see him there.

A huge toothy smile spread across his face, his pointy fangs poking out the corners of his bottom lip, Jake had told him before it was the cutest thing about him, and the memory made his cheeks warm up. “Do you want me to teach you?” His hands fidgeted with the hem of Jake’s sleeves, the elder looking up at him unable to keep the excitement from showing on his eyes at his words. “...To skate, I mean, I know you probably have the basics but- yeah.” It was awkward, talking was always awkward, but it was okay; he knew only time could make it easier to talk to Jake, especially with no previous warning he’d have to talk to him at all that day.

Sunghoon sheepishly scratched the back of his neck, shying away from looking into Jake’s pretty eyes, “Yes? Please, if you want to, I'm terrible, though. If you make fun of me I’ll start crying. " Jake grinned, cheeks heating up at the other's enthusiasm, he was sure he'd disappoint him, but it was worth a try.

Now, Sunghoon wouldn’t say Jake is absolute shit at skating, but he was definitely hard to lead, the elder clung to his arm like a scared toddler and stumbled on himself every time they spun even if just for a few seconds, he was heavy and Sunghoon’s left skate kept bumping into Jake’s right because of his clumsy way of sliding, he could feel his arm shaking where it linked with his at the elbow, and he wasn’t sure if it was the cold or if he was simply that scared of falling.
Sunghoon unlinked their arms and stretched away from his hold while gripping his hands, both of them standing still on the ice and Jake’s helmetless head of hair laid out of place and tickling his nose, the brunette blowing pieces of his bangs away instead of manually pushing them away in fear that Sunghoon would let him go.
“I’m gonna let go of your hands so you can do a little by yourself.” Jake’s eyes widened almost comically, stumbling to get closer to him before he let go.

“Sunghoon, I’m gonna die.” Large puppy eyes looked up at him in absolute terror, Jaeyun’s legs were already a little too spread and he’d begun unwillingly sliding away from how distracted he’d become at the thought of his faux boyfriend letting go of his hands. “It’s gonna be okay, just do what I do.” Their hands steadied his slow progression on the ice, Sunghoon holding him tightly and rambling about how as long as he made sure to keep his ankles steady he’d never fall.

“I’m letting go at three, alright?” Jake’s demeanor faltered just at the thought, the taller pulling him closer just to make sure he’d be solid when he let go. “Please, please, please don’t let go” Jaeyun stammered as he tried to intertwine his fingers with Sunghoon’s, the younger letting out a breathy laugh as he began loosening the grip.
“One...”
“The floor is so cold, please....”
“Two…”
“I made a serious connection with the guy at the shoe rack and now he’s gonna see me fall because of you-”
“Three!” Sunghoon leapt backwards, the cold air hitting his hands differently now that Jake’s warmth wasn’t there to protect them, watching the older making grabby hands at the air like a newly walking toddler as he struggled to gain back his balance, standing right where Sunghoon had left him and trying to follow him and take hold of his hands, eventually giving up and steadying his ankles instead, gaining a bit of traction as he began taking small glides over the ice. “I almost died just now…” He muttered, Sunghoon doing all kinds of spins around him with a huge smile on his face.
“It’s more fun like this, stop being so clingy.” Sunghoon rejoiced in speed skating in circles around Jake, who struggled to take hold of him and steady himself even despite now navigating the rink almost perfectly, growling at the taller and crossing his arms over his chest, huge pout on his lips that only made the other laugh at him.

Sunghoon reached to intertwine his hand with Jake’s, both of them moving slowly on the rink and the sound of the few other skaters non existent as the elder offered his free hand in front of him, asking for him to hand something over. “Come on, give me an earphone, I wanna get angsty too.” Sunghoon scowled at him and lightly pressed his fist to his arm, both still gliding on the rink in perfect unison.

“Nothing angsty about my music.” He replied, unwittingly handing the shorter an earphone as he scoffed, their hands brushing ever so lightly as he took it. "Acting like I haven’t heard you blasting Green Day for the past ten minutes, what are you trying to do, go deaf?” The tips of Sunghoon’s ears burned as he reached in his pocket to lower the volume and restart the song, Jake bopping his head to the beat so gently it seemed like he didn’t mean to, and it made him smile, chest swelling at the thought that he enjoyed the song he played.

They skated like that, hands intertwined inside Jake’s jacket’s pocket, each with one earphone in and both casually stumbling on the cable, trying not to separate from each other too much in spite of the huge differences between their skating abilities, eventually the older stopping them to take a picture of their denim and pitch black sleeves shoved inside his pocket, because it was- in his words- ‘A vibe’.
They’d been strolling around the rink for a good thirty minutes when Sunghoon looked out into the small crowd of both staff and customers lining up around the fence, probably because the common hour for families was arriving, and as he turned to let Jaeyun know it was probably time to leave, his eyes caught someone’s, and his smile slid right off his face.

Heeseung stood out in the crowd, he was tall, lanky, and his hair was a reddish brown that quite honestly belonged to him entirely, his toothy smile shone amidst the beiges and yellows and reds and whites he wore, huge beanie sitting on his head with his bangs and longer hairs at the back poking out, large hand kindly waving at him, motioning for them both to skate towards him.
It wasn’t the first time his senior came to see him to the skating rink, just a year back it was him and Sunghoon that held hands and stumbled to skate together, he could vividly remember Heeseung’s bright smile as he complimented his mediocre and incorrect axles, pink wool gloves and an obnoxious black helmet way too large for his head tied over his jaw. Sunghoon thought it was the cutest thing in the world back then and would urge him to wear it every time they went, they’d hold hands and skate around in circles while talking each other’s ears off and when they grew tired they’d get ice cream next door, walking home hand in hand because Heeseung swore he could still feel the floor moving under him as he walked over the pavement, it made his heart swell, just how much the elder depended on him.

Sunghoon stared for much longer than he intended to, his bright doe eyes and unique warmth held him hostage so stupidly his ankles bumped into each other and immediately made him lose balance, pulling Jake down with him as they both hit the cold ice of the rink.
His arms wrapped around Jake instinctively to keep him from touching the cold floor he’d been so afraid of as much as possible, the older breaking into giggles and struggling to balance himself even while sitting on the ground, trying to meet Sunghoon’s gaze, though by then he was far lost looking for Heeseung in the crowd.

The eldest of the three called them from the fence, right besides where Jake had shown up earlier, and as soon as he realized why Sunghoon had lost his balance, suddenly it wasn’t so funny anymore. “Do you know how to stand?” The taller asked, finally snapping out of his trance to look at a beat up and disappointed Jake, brewing pout on his lips. “No, not really.”

The skater immediately pushed himself back up, pulling Jaeyun towards him with shaky hands, his lips parted as if he were about to speak, but Heeseung’s sweet and loud shouting of Sunghoon’s name completely destroyed the atmosphere.
Adamantly sliding towards him, Jake supported himself on the fence separating them, refusing to hold Sunghoon’s hand even despite it being offered to him immediately after getting back on his feet. “Hyung, what are you doing here?” The raven haired boy’s voice was shaky and weak, obsessively running a hand through his hair with an almost hostile expression that Heeseung seemed to have no reaction to.

“Jungwon told me you’d be here, you haven’t answered my texts or my calls and you’ve been hiding from me at school, I wanted to meet your boyfriend, and I need to talk to you about a lot of things too.” The eldest spoke sternly, almost as if he were scolding Sunghoon who just stood there with his head hanging low, both of them completely disregarding Jake’s presence. “I’m sorry, I was busy…” Suddenly the cold of the rink started to affect him, his hand empty almost with a print of where Jake’s own used to be; his brain hadn’t even begun questioning why Jungwon would send both of them here, was he trying to get them to fix things? Jake was visibly uncomfortable.

“I’m not mad at you, I just wish you’d told me sooner, I’ve been looking all over the place for both of you.” Sunghoon couldn’t help but flinch when the older reached out and patted his hair, smiling as genuinely as he always did, with those bright and characteristic teeth of his, the taller hated how much he loved that smile.
“I’m sorry, Hyung…I’ll call you.” Finally ignoring the shame that held him in a chokehold, the skater looked into his eyes, all apologetic and warm and so genuinely concerned for him that he felt his stomach jump- Heeseung was so good to him, always, regardless of whatever he did.

Jake broke into a dramatic cough, the displeased expression on his face startling Sunghoon who had completely forgotten he stood there for a mere second, placing a warm hand on his back with a complicated look on his face, Heeseung noting how red his nose was. “Oh no, Jake, you must be so cold- I’m sorry for holding you back, you should go home.” It almost annoyed Jaeyun how caring the boy was, what did he care if he was cold? He wanted to skate with his boyfriend’s hand in his.

“Let’s go home, you did well today.” The taller placed a caring hand on his shoulder, Jake looking up at him like he’d just pulled the most unbelievable stunt in the world, Heeseung standing right there.
“I hope I see both of you at school, it was nice meeting you, Jake.” Heeseung's voice was deafening as he slowly paced away, he was probably here to meet up with someone else, and Sunghoon had been too brave to consider himself special enough for him to come only with the intention of talking to him.

"Hey, it's getting packed, let's go now." Jake spoke in clear disbelief, unable to wrap his head around the way Sunghoon still watched after Heeseung who got lost in the crowd, it embarrassed him, showing that side of him to Jake. "I'm sorry, do you want to do anything else?" It felt like overkill asking such a thing at this point, the eldest had completely ruined the mood.

"Yeah, I want to go home." His voice was void of the usual sweetness it carried around him, and Sunghoon could only give him a sad smile as he reached to help him out of the rink, Jake was upset, and it was noticeable, the boy was like a puppy, unable to hide his feelings regardless of how hard he tried.

The walk back was silent, Jake stumbling on himself as he did, as well, feel like the floor moved under his feet even after leaving the rink, though as soon as Sunghoon reached to offer a hand in support, he'd shove his own in his pockets; "It's fine." Was all he muttered, the raven haired boy pursing his lips and feeling his stomach rumble in response, maybe he shouldn't have set the older aside like that when he spoke to his senior.

---------------------------------------------------

It was the seventeenth of December, Sunghoon was aware Jake had been avoiding him, and in a way- he had been, too, though the moment he stopped showing up at school and his mother sent in a memo that he’d caught a pretty bad cold and needed rest, he didn’t hesitate to run to his side, not even for the sake of public appearances, it wasn’t about trying to make people think he was taking care of his faux boyfriend, it was about being there for his friend.

Before the school day even ended, and with an early leave pass Jungwon had smuggled for him through the student council office, Sunghoon showed up at his doorstep, gingerly holding the overstocked bag of medicines his mother had told him they needed when he’d called, and his overflowing shame hidden inside the plastic container of one of his younger brother’s baked goods, he’d grown a knack for making those when he was stressed, and the Park family had begun giving them out every chance they got because there was simply too many.

Jake had been wary, quirking up a brow at the taller from where he stood in the doorframe of his bedroom, in his pajamas and a bunched up blanket wrapped around his shoulder, cheeks flushed and eyes teary, almost as if he’d expected everyone in the world to show up except for him.
“I brought your medicine, can I come in?” Sunghoon was awkward, painfully so; he gave Jake the most embarrassing puppy eyes he could muster, and the older pursed his lips with an unreadable look on his face- He knew he wasn’t mad at him, he had no reason to be, and he was made painfully aware of this the same afternoon of last Sunday when they went to the arcade together, both of Jake’s hands in his pockets as he rambled about how kind and nice-to-be-around Heeseung was, he felt his own heart sink that same Monday at school where a red-eyed, visibly tired Jaeyun said they couldn’t sit together for lunch because he wanted to eat with his friends, he’d become painfully attached to Jake over the course of their fake relationship and having his affection denied- especially when it meant having to eat lunch with Jungwon and his other friends, every single one of them as little as him- was a huge signal he’d done something wrong, even after finding out his disheveled and unwell appearance was due to his growing cold.

But there stood Jake, stunning as always and even smaller than usual, a smile creeping into the corners of his mouth as he spoke with a raspy voice, “Is that your lunch?” He bitterly pointed to the bow tied container on his hand, Sunghoon growling in denial, “It’s yours, Jungwon sent you a homemade donut.” The container was snatched off his hand almost immediately, Jaeyun stumbling back into his room with his blanket hampering his legs, but making no effort to remove it.

Sunghoon invited himself in, unable to keep himself from looking around and taking in the boyish atmosphere of Jake’s bedroom, the walls were an odd shade of beige, contrasting with the orangish brown furniture and the strong navy blue of his bed arrangement, the second to last blanket clearly missing from his messy bed as it resided over his shoulders.
The older wordlessly motioned for him to place the bag of medicine on his desk, Sunghoon quietly and carefully pacing towards it with his eyes fixed on the wall of medals and papers listing random school achievements with a small picture of him as a baby laying right in the corner.

“Stop staring, now I feel bad for not cleaning…” Finally looking back at the sickly boy, Sunghoon let out a chuckle, sitting on his desk chair while laying his backpack on the floor- Jake’s shoes sat stacked in a huge pile by the end of the table, the image in itself was so painfully him that it made his heart swell. “Your mom told me you never talk about me.” His disappointment bled onto his words, a ghost of a pout on his lips as he leaned down to pet Jake’s dog Layla who laid sleeping right beside his feet, she smelled his hand and rested her head on it, Jaeyun told him she didn’t do that with just anyone, in fact she hadn’t even done that with him in a very long time.
“I know, I told her to say that.” The elder dropped on the bed aimlessly as he picked off pieces of the donut Jungwon had made for him, swimming in a large bed with numerous blankets and the huge hoodie he wore, Sunghoon thought it was strange to think of the way he looked at school in moments like this.

“Are you gonna sit there all day or are you gonna take care of me?” His words caught the taller off guard, his head shooting up with a puzzled look on his face as Layla ran from his hold to Jake’s on his bed, wagging her tail left and right as if to tell him the guest was nice and safe to be there. “What… Do you want me to do for you? If you want school work I’m sorry to disappoint but I skipped class.” He began untying what was left of his tie, and unbuttoning the last button of his dress shirt, Jake could tell he’d hurried from school to go there.

“Cuddle me.” His expression was so serious it made Sunghoon feel ridiculous for the breathy laugh that crawled out of his chest when he heard him say it, immediately dying down when he realized there wasn’t even a hint of a smirk on the older’s face, the apples of his cheeks heating up. “Excuse me?” Both Layla and Jake stared at him so unabashedly he felt like the odd one out, the unbuttoned neck of his dress shirt suddenly all too tight around his warm neck.

“I said; cuddle me.” Jaeyun spoke to him as if he were the most dense human on the planet for not immediately crawling into bed beside him, they had barely held hands before, no matter how touchy feely Sunghoon was, this definitely crossed the line to a whole different territory.

“You came all this way just to bring me medicine and a donut? Won’t even cuddle your sick boyfriend?” Jake’s own pleading expression mocked Sunghoon’s, his mouth hanging open for a good few seconds before he shook his head, looking away from both the brunette and his very persuasive dog. “I-I mean, yeah, I brought what your mom asked- Didn’t you like the donut?” He scratched the back of his neck, deciding to focus on the fact Jake had just called himself his boyfriend, no witness in sight but Layla’s prying eyes. “Please.” Was all he said, holding his arms out, as if to receive Sunghoon immediately if he came to his aid. “It’s not weird, I’ve done it with my teammates before.” It’s as if he read his mind, or even better, as if both of them thought the same thing, the heavy feeling of being unable to draw the line where their fake relationship ended and where a real one began stopped hanging over their head for a moment.

Sunghoon let out a huff, walking to his bed almost eagerly now that he had reassurance his own want for doing so wasn’t out of place or unusual of a good friend, melting into Jake’s warm embrace as he entered the messy pool of blankets he’d created, it was a weird feeling, the soft material of his bed sheets against his dress pants, his blazer long forgotten on Jake’s desk where he’d undone his tie a few minutes back.
He let an arm lay under his head, the older wrapped an arm around his waist and snuggled into his chest, muttering a small ‘is this okay?’ before placing the slightest touch on Sunghoon, and he appreciated it, the fact that he still had his comfort in mind, even after he’d already circled his waist with his own arm, running gentle fingers through his chocolate brown hair, the warmth of Jake’s feverish skin burning on his fingers even through the thick fabric of his clothes.

He nodded wordlessly, Jaeyun all but collapsing on him; it was messy, their legs struggling to find space and Sunghoon’s feet poking out of the bottom of his blankets, laying under the older boy’s hold like a wooden plank, and he let out a chuckle, noticing the way Jake struggled against the feeling of his uniform vest against his skin.

"Your heart's beating so fast…" His voice was gentle, the vibration of it reaching Sunghoon who blushed immediately at the comment, he hadn't even noticed the older was listening to his heartbeat.
"Yeah. I ran here, kind of." Sunghoon’s voice was a little shaky, trying to laugh off the awkwardness of the contact- they'd been touchy before, holding hands while walking every now and then, but for Jake to have an arm around his waist and for his hair to be tickling under his chin was too much for him to handle.

A silence. Jake snuggled up to his chest even further, his hand gently running circles on the space on Sunghoon's side where it laid, making him suck in a breath and stop the running of his fingers on his hair, the elder giggled under his breath, a moment of mutual agreement where they both stopped moving their hands.
Sunghoon could only keep his mind from straying for so long, he couldn't stop thinking about what had happened back at the skating rink, and just how bad he wanted to apologize, not only for letting him fall, but for letting their precious moment be ruined by his insecurity and cowardice, if he had the guts to tell Heeseung the truth back then, maybe Jake wouldn't have apologized for ruining their conversation with his stupid cold, maybe if he had told Jake it wasn't his fault, they would've gone to the arcade afterwards and played that stupid Mortal Kombat knock off he liked so much, instead they walked home in an awkward silence and Sunghoon avoided holding his hand in shame.

"Hey…" Jake's voice was raspy, even so probably the warmest he'd heard it in the few weeks they'd been together, he was vulnerable, and the skater could only think of how nice it'd be if he got to see him like that more often. "I know you asked me not to mention the letters at all but-" Sunghoon groaned, throwing his head back dramatically and letting it bump on the pillow he laid on, making the older look up apologetically, "I just have one question, seriously- I promise I'll never bring them up again."

"Just one, please don't say something embarrassing…" He didn't look at Jake even after speaking, he couldn't look him in the eyes without flashes of text about his very pretty face clouding his sight.

"I know this is gonna sound stupid- I mean, I read all of them when I got them, you might not remember this…" his eyes dropped down to Sunghoon's chest, where the hand that had previously stroked his waist sat playing with the emblem of their school that was embroidered on the upper right corner of his vest.
"In the first few ones, you said you met me at the cafeteria because I gave you my lunch...i-is that the first time you remember talking to me?" He stuttered while talking, voice impossibly small and hard to register.

Sunghoon's brows furrowed, memories flashing through his mind at such a fast pace he couldn't help scowling, there were a lot of unpleasant things about the April he met Jake. "Uh...yeah? I think so, yeah." He thought for two, three, four seconds, noticing how Jake's own initially hopeful expression visibly fell into a saddened one. "If there was something there about us being soulmates in a previous life please keep in mind I was fifteen."
The older scoffed, falling back down into his chest and stretching his arm over Sunghoon's side again, defeated. "Nevermind." Was all he said, weakly, and the taller decided not to question him any further.

Jake's breathing began feeling a lot fainter than before, so he started stroking his hair even more softly, finding the way he'd struggle to lay on the fabric of his vest still after all that time in the same position so endearing a smile spread across his face. "You're falling asleep, aren't you?" The older nodded, snuggling his head Sunghoon's chest without any more words to add, making him chuckle. "I'll wake you up when it's time for your medicine."

As soon as Jaeyun fell asleep, Sunghoon maneuvered his phone out of his pocket and didn't hesitate to use it while resting his hand on his faux boyfriend's head, Jungwon had messaged him an unhealthy amount of times, not because he was worried about his older brother keeping up with his school work, he wanted to know if Jake was okay; Jungwon seriously liked Jake a lot.
Jay struggled at first, to understand how they could've been together for so long without him noticing, but over time he'd also grown to like him a lot, every time he'd shown up at their house ever since they'd been happier to see him than the last, he fit right into Sunghoon's life almost like everyone had been waiting for him.

Sometimes he thought about what their reactions were gonna be when their scheduled break up after winter break ended came, he knew already Jungwon would be sad, the younger had told him so many times in the few days he and Jake had been openly dating he could tell Sunghoon was a lot happier, and it was true, he was happier; not only because he'd been lonely before becoming close with him, but also because Jake understood him so, so well he knew no one else would ever bother trying, they were good for each other in so many different ways he could only hope they'd continue to be good friends after their public departure.

Five o'clock came around and he detached himself from a sleeping Jaeyun to retrieve his medicine, the elder waking up so easily after he called out his name that he wondered if he was ever sleeping at all, their hands brushed as he handed him the pills, and they awkwardly smiled at each other like they always did.
"I'm sorry." He stammered out of nowhere, Jake looking up surprised from where he sat in bed with a glass on his hand and his lips sealed closed to cage in the pill he'd taken. "About Saturday, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you fall, I shouldn't have set you aside in the cold for Heeseung Hyung, I'm really sorry." He rambled on and on while Jake finished taking the pill, a smile pulling at the right corner of his lips as he watched him talk to himself, Sunghoon felt stupid, but it was better than feeling like the older was mad at him.

"It's fine, I survived anyway, I get it." The taller blinked from where he stood, watching as Jaeyun once again reached his arms out for a hug, one he hesitantly accepted, the older's arms wrapping around his waist from where he sat in bed, Sunghoon no longer fighting the urge to run his fingers through his hair. "It's okay, I forgive you."

They sat in silence for a while, Sunghoon looking down at his phone on Jake's night stand, his mind going back to when he'd promised Heeseung he would call him; he never did. “I missed you.” Is all he says, both of them giggling lowly in the warmth of the embrace, it was overkill at this point- telling Jake he’d missed him after only being away for a day, but if beating a dead horse was all he could do to make it clear he was important to him, he was willing.

-------------------

It was the nineteenth of December, the last day of their exams and the second to last day of school. Jake and him were back to normal, holding hands while walking home, Sunghoon going to his practices to watch him play, eating lunch together, even at some point Jake developing a habit of leaving cute notes on his containers when he got the chance- nothing to show the public, a piece of affection for just the two of them.

They sat at one of their favorite benches, the only one hidden away under the ceiling circulating the outside of the cafeteria, no one liked it because no sunlight ever hit there, but that's why Sunghoon liked it the most. Jay sat eating his food quietly as Jake and him squabbled about some random movie Jake swore he'd watched at least ten times before and could confirm the lead was some American actor Sunghoon had only heard the name of twice before, one of them being from Jake's own lips when they'd seen him at a poster outside the movie theater, while he disagreed and insisted that after seeing it the week before he was sure Jake was talking about a completely different movie, not missing a single admiring gasp when he heard him pronounce the name in English anyway, it was what they always did, in the end one of them would give in.

Mid-quarrel a plastic tray with a half eaten chocolate muffin and a carton of banana milk was roughly placed on the table, all three of them looking up immediately to a frowning Heeseung, looking directly at Sunghoon, who's heart stumbled at the sight of his visibly angry expression. "Jongseong and Jaeyunnie, can you guys let us talk for a second? Please." His voice was stern, and almost immediately they both scattered away from the bench, this time, unlike back when Jay had been the one to confront him, Jake gave him a reassuring smile and escaped immediately, not paying a second to the thought of defending him.

"You never called me." He began, voice still and gentle as always, but his anger and frustration bleeding into it as he slowly sat in front of Sunghoon on the bench. "I'm sorry." He muttered, small and completely unacknowledged by Heeseung.
"I'm not gonna pressure you into anything, it's not my place to force you to be my friend if you don't feel like it anymore, but for you to throw away our friendship like that- all of a sudden! When I've known you since kindergarten… I don't understand." He didn't even look into his eyes, hands busy unwrapping the plastic off the rest of his muffin, and Sunghoon flinched, Heeseung was barely ever mad at him. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't handle it...right now." He felt stupid saying such a thing, the older was always so articulate and good at speaking his mind, why was Sunghoon only ever saying sorry to him?

"I'm not gonna pretend I didn't read them if that's what you want, I read them, and I read all of them. I know I wasn't meant to, Jungwon told me everything after I had to show up at your house on Tuesday because you never called; you weren't even there." His voice had an edge to it, he was so angry, and it made Sunghoon shudder.

"I don't even know where to begin, Sunghoon-" Almost immediately, the younger dared raise his voice the slightest bit over the whisper like mutters he'd been giving him, it was unfortunate how bad he wanted to make it clear, "You don't have to reject me, I know."

Heeseung finally looked into his eyes, angry and sad and disappointed, "I wasn't going to."
They sat in silence, looking at each other for a few seconds before he went back to his rambling, "Just imagine, I wake up one day thinking everything's okay between me and my best friend, yeah, we're distant but it's okay because I know he cares about me- all of a sudden I get these letters from him on secret Santa, telling me all these things I couldn't even understand, he starts ignoring my calls, avoiding me and tells his brother to tell me he's out skating every time I show up at his house." The tips of Sunghoon's ears burn, he really did think he was being smarter than him.

"Then I find out that he's absolutely set me aside and forgotten about me for Jake Sim! Out of all people? Jake Sim!" He pinched the muffin apart, pausing every now and then to eat pieces, but Sunghoon not speaking a word in between. "Which, is whatever- he's lovely, he's truly lovely, and he really seems to like you so bad, that's the worst part, he likes you, so, so much." The taller gulps, his brows furrowing in response, Heeseung was truly being the most blunt he'd ever seen him be.
"It's fine, he's amazing, he’s the cutest boy I’ve ever seen. I hope you guys are super happy together, it just fucking sucks you didn't even give me a chance to respond, it sucks so bad because I seriously, really, really liked you."

Sunghoon blinks once, twice, thrice, mouth hanging open as he stares at Heeseung trying his hardest to stab the straw into his carton of milk almost viciously. "Excuse me?" He says, almost unwittingly, hand reaching out to poke the hole for him by sheer habit; Heeseung lets him, hands falling on the table in defeat, looking at Sunghoon like he'd just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "You're not gonna sit there and act like you didn't know, there's literally no way-" And he's cut off, noticing the absolutely clueless expression on Sunghoon's face and suddenly they're both feeling stupid.

"I'm sorry." Is the only thing Sunghoon can say, eyes sitting on the table, embarrassed and ashamed and insecure and unable to keep himself together under Heeseung's own judgmental gaze, he breathes in once, hand reaching out to reassuringly pat his elder's. "Jake and I… we're not really dating." He muttered, the older looking up with both disappointment and a hint of what Sunghoon could only guess is nowhere near surprise.

"I figured as much. I'm not Jay, Sunghoon, I know you." His voice is relentless, hands shaky as he began gathering his tray again. "I just hope you know what you're doing." Sunghoon purses his lips, hand static where it'd been reaching for his elder's, "Me too." And he leaves, Sunghoon sitting on the bench all by himself while looking down at his own hands that fidgeted on the table. What was all that supposed to mean?

It wasn’t long before the bell rang, the rest of his classes dragging on for way longer than they should have, but he didn’t listen, in fact- he hadn’t formed a single new thought ever since his conversation with Heeseung, his brain naturally playing the older’s words over and over like a broken record.
Even after school, walking home with Jake as he rambled on about some stupid shirt his mother got him for their Christmas party, going on a tangent about how flannels are only cool when they’re worn in the summer, Sunghoon chuckled as if he were listening, his mind still far away on an entirely different planet.

“Did you finally talk it out with Hyung?” Jake reached to link their fingers as they walked, his voice wary and it made him flinch, not only because he wasn’t paying attention, but because he wasn’t used to the elder being so upfront about things, always so gentle and with Sunghoon’s feelings on his mind every single time, he could only assume this, in particular, was something that worried him as well.

“I-I did, yeah, kind of...He wasn’t happy, I don’t think he forgives me either, it’s complicated…” He stumbled on his words as he spoke, both of them no longer walking but standing static on the sidewalk, Jake looking up at him from behind his long messy bangs, a smile creeping into his face as he reached out to pat his head. “I’m glad you did.”

Jake continued walking, their hands swinging back and forth as they did, steps synchronized and their fingers fitting perfectly into each other, Sunghoon couldn’t help thinking about what could’ve happened if Heeseung had gotten to him before Jake on that day back at the indoor gymnasium, maybe then the hand he was holding would be someone else’s, maybe then he’d have a real boyfriend, maybe then the boy getting soft cut-out sugar cookies from his little brother would be someone else.

Truth is, he wasn’t entirely too happy about his relationship with Jake, he knew it was a messy situation and he knew it wasn’t likely for things to end well after deceiving so many people, but what he was sure of is that he wouldn’t have it any other way- It didn’t matter how long he liked Heeseung, maybe just a week ago he would have begged the older to give him a chance, but Jake was precious to him, and he was glad to have him regardless of however it was.

-------------------------------------------------------

The few days until Christmas came like a blur, Sunghoon spending his few vacation days until then in bed, sleeping, eating, playing video games and redoing it without even changing his clothes, Jay came to his house almost daily to pester Jungwon and get some sweets out of it, Jake had come over a few times and they’d even napped together on the couch after watching a movie- The Aristocats, and the older told him he looked like Berlioz.

It became increasingly regular for them to do things like that, showing affection and spending time together even if not for the sake of making their relationship noticeable, when no one was around they’d hold hands and whisper in each other’s ears, sometimes Jake looking at him so lovingly he felt like he’d melt; Sunghoon had spent more than one night laying in silence and thinking about his feelings for the older, heart beating fast and cheeks heating up as he recalled the feeling of their hands intertwined walking under the gleaming streetlights on the way to Jake’s house after a long day of doing absolutely nothing together, it was pretty clear to him at this point that he wanted to stay like that with him for a long time, and the thought of ever telling him made his chest feel tight.

It was December twenty fourth when he sneaked out of his family home in Jay’s car, both of them bright eyed and blushy cheeked to attend their first Christmas party as high school students. Their student life had never been very interesting or out of the ordinary, so when Jake mentioned his classmate’s Christmas party and enthusiastically persuaded both of them to show up, they’d been more than absolutely elated to, especially now that both of them had driver’s permits.

Their classmate’s home was packed with other students from their school they couldn’t quite recall ever speaking to, and the smell of alcohol was prominent though not without the company of some fruity and sugar filled homemade punch they both knew better than to try.
When he first came in, Jay got lost in the crowd talking to some kids from his old sports team in middle school, Sunghoon struggling to spot Jake’s familiar warmth among the many students but not missing the chocolate brown head of hair poking out from where he stood by the kitchen counter, hands shoved in a casserole with numerous types of cupcakes he seemed to be helping arrange, swimming in a jacket way too big for him and smiling at everyone that approached him.

Sunghoon all but leaped towards him, sticking to his familiar atmosphere like glue in the sea of tipsy strangers, his arm reaching around Jake’s waist and sitting on the counter, he was back hugging him, and they both noticed, but neither of them said anything, instead the older reached to shove a finger covered in whipped cream towards his lips, one he gladly took. “You came! It’s so late, where’s Jay?” Rather than raising his voice, he spoke into Sunghoon’s ear, the taller’s cheeks heating up at the closeness and the feeling of his warm breath fanning his skin; some song he’d heard playing on the radio before blasted loud in the background, but all he could hear was Jake.

“He got lost somewhere. I think.” The taller spoke without paying much thought, not asking before taking a cupcake with different colored frosting and giving the older a taste just like he had before.
“You can stay with me if you don’t know anyone here, I’m almost done.” Jake’s voice was soft and laced with care and understanding, Sunghoon resting his chin on his shoulder and making him whine, his eyes falling on the flannel neck that protruded from his jacket, scoffing as he noticed it was probably the one he’d described as a gift from his mother.

After a few minutes of Jake carefully finding space inside the gold, red and green casserole, he dragged Sunghoon by his right hand into the living room couch with the excuse of introducing him to his friends- He sat on the limited space of the couch, Jake sitting in between his legs on the floor in front of him, the older’s friends spread out in both the floor and the couch they sat on, all ranging on different age groups due to his sports activities at school, and all of them extremely curious about Sunghoon.
“You’re so pretty, have you ever thought of being an idol?” Yeonjun, one of Jake’s scary college friends was the first to talk, not missing a single chance to compliment him; in fact, all of Jake’s friends seemed to have the habit.
Hands reaching out to touch his hair, Taehyun from the class next to his began talking with his eyes fixed nowhere. “Every time I see you at school you have the same scary expression on your face, how is someone like you dating Jake?” it was fun, comfortable even, he felt like he could do it forever.

Jake and Yeonjun quarreled for a good five minutes about when they met, Sunghoon wrapped his arms around his shoulders and he didn’t miss the part where the older told his senior they’d started dating in early December, it made him giddy, and his stomach did a turn.
Despite how fun it’d been to meddle with Jake’s circle, he soon found himself tired and in need of a getaway, excusing himself with many disappointed whines as he slipped off to the only secluded area by the bathroom- a laundry room with what seemed like a middle school uniform sitting on the dryer, whose house was this?

After a few minutes came by with him hiding in the laundry room, Jake came to his aid, shrunk into his shoulders and with a small smile on his lips, “Are you alright? You can go home if you want.” He sounded genuine, his hair a mess and his hands in his pockets, he came in without closing the door, and Sunghoon could only wonder if he’d looked so pretty this whole time. “I’m fine, it just got a little suffocating.” He scratched the back of his neck, looking away from Jake and to the floor as the older progressed through the room to stand beside him against the washing machine, the outside music muffled from the open door.

“Thank you for coming, I know you don’t like these things.” Sunghoon scrunched up his nose, was it that noticeable? Jake could see right through him in every aspect of the word.

“It’s my first Christmas party. I didn’t know these existed.” He sounded so genuine he made the elder scoff, immediately reaching to lightly punch him on the shoulder, “Of course you didn’t, you have like- two friends, one of them is me.” Sunghoon chuckled, his hand reaching out to pat Jake’s head- he couldn’t keep his hands off him, ever.

“I’m sorry if my friends were a little too much, Yeonjun’s already tipsy and he hasn’t met a real life pretty boy in a long time.” The light from the outside peaked in and shone a dim red and yellow on Jake’s face, his eyes were sparkling and Sunghoon found it hard to look away. “It’s okay, they were cool, I just didn’t know you had college friends.” Their conversation was casual, but for some reason it was hard to break eye contact.

“I met Yeonjun when I was in my first year and he was about to graduate.” Jake said, a scoff spilling out of his lips before going back to the original serious expression he had, a silence looming over them as seconds passed and Sunghoon didn’t stop looking into his eyes.

“He was my first friend, he’s just really easy to talk to, actually- it was thanks to him I got into the team, seniors like that are so cool…” The taller nodded, still stuck in the same position as Jake began one of his usual rambles, that’s just how he talked, all messy and fast and about a lot of things at once, but he was always saying something you might miss if you weren’t looking carefully. “Don’t you feel the same way, too?” His voice was much quieter than before, leaning the slightest bit closer, and Sunghoon could only suck in his breath, instinctively leaning in as well; he wondered if they were talking about something different now.

“Yeah, I do.” He spoke faintly, knowing Jake’s intention was for only the two of them to hear, and suddenly the older’s hand was in the back of his neck, both of them sharing a moment of silence, looking into each other’s eyes before their lips touched.
Everything in the background sounded like television static, the feeling of Jake’s lips on his making his hands itch to hold him even closer, both moving slowly but neither stopping to acknowledge what was happening, all he could think about was Jake’s soft lips and the sweet taste of frosting on them, his skin burning against the thick jean jacket he wore from where he’d placed his hand on his waist.

Their lips moved together sloppily for almost a full minute before they both needed air, pulling away and looking into each other’s eyes in the same amount of confusion about what they’d just done, the older’s left hand how resting on the leather sleeve of his own jacket, and his cheeks burned, they were just talking about Yeonjun.
As soon as they pulled away, Sunghoon wasn’t given a second to process as Jake immediately found himself wrapped up in a conversation with someone standing on the laundry room door frame, the small smile that had crawled on his lips sliding off as he realized everything hadn’t been quite as intimate and for the two of them as he thought it had.

His heart sank a little bit, watching as Jake chattered with some unknown student from a year above them and he struggled to stabilize his breathing after kissing him, the elder didn’t even seem surprised, had he done it on a whim because he saw their upperclassman peak in? It got even worse when he left the laundry room, muttering something to Sunghoon about meeting again when he was done, what was he supposed to do until then? Jake had told him they’d stick together because he didn’t know anyone, now the embarrassment was eating up his conscience, he hadn’t considered how the older might feel about their relationship at all until he found himself standing in the middle of someone else’s laundry room all by himself on Christmas eve.

Jay found him eventually, a little tipsy and with a bite mark on his left arm, he told Sunghoon some crazy story about how he’d gotten himself in a fight with the apartment owner’s younger sibling because he tried to drink some of his homemade strawberry milk, he would’ve found that absolutely hilarious and very interesting if he wasn’t too busy looking out for Jake every few seconds, the older helping one of his friends from earlier clean the kitchen, and their eyes never met- because Jake wasn’t looking his way at all.

At around three in the morning his parents called and urged him to come home, Jay was drunk and unable to drive and Sunghoon was scrambling to keep his phone away from him, something sober Jay had asked of him earlier when they’d just arrived at the party. Of course, his mind immediately went to Jake, who struggled to push Yeonjun’s long pink hair out of his face to retouch his make up, he seemed to be having fun, and Sunghoon felt really stupid for leaving without saying goodbye.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Was the first thing Jay asked him as soon as he got in the car, Sunghoon staring at him wide-eyed from the open car door he held, almost breaking into tears from the shame he felt before his drunk friend. “Inside, we’re going home.” He said, reaching to place the seatbelt on Jongseong who couldn't seem to sit still. “You’re gonna leave him? He was soooo sad when you left the living room earlier, you’re such an idiot, he probably only came to be with you.”

Sunghoon thought for a few seconds, brows furrowed while looking at tipsy Jay scold him with the most know-it-all expression on his face, the worst part is that he was right, his heart did a thing at the thought of Jake being upset, was that also an act to make them a more convincing couple to his friends? He decided it didn’t matter, and without much thought he immediately found himself back in the apartment, Jay safe and secure back in the backseat of his own car and he navigated the sea of people in the 34.5 pyeong unit, looking like a deer caught in headlights when Jake himself bumped into him mid-search.

“I was looking for you!” He yelled, hands immediately going to Sunghoon’s shoulders as a smile spread across his face again, he couldn’t feel the slightest bit upset with the older, he was simply too endearing. “I have to go home now, my parents called…” Jake’s face fell, puppy-like eyes struggling to hide the immediate disappointment he felt. “But I can drive you home, if you want to, I mean- Jay is drunk and it’s so early but-” He hadn’t even finished rambling before the older smiled wide and nodded, reaching for his hand without paying any mind to the mess his own friends did in the kitchen behind him. “Please? Can you take me home?” They smiled at each other, Jake only briefly turning to his friends to announce he was leaving with his boyfriend, all of them chanting a wide range of ooos as they left, the older’s cheeks turning a bright shade of pink.

And off they went, sitting together in the front seats as Jay mumbled to himself, half asleep in the back, silence spilling out of the windows before Jake found a song he liked on the radio and blasted it so loud it vibrated under their feet on the car floor, the oldest of the three sleeping diligently in the back without a care in the world.
Sunghoon scoffed, shaky hands still struggling to hold the steering wheel properly as an apprentice. “What?” Asked a pouty Jaeyun, noticing the smile spread across the taller’s face as the song progressed, both of them looking into the empty orange streetlight-lit road. “Of course you like Honne, that's so Jake.”
He didn’t spare the older a look, but he could hear him scoff through a smile, it truly did sound just like Jake. “Nothing Jake about my music.” He’d imitated Sunghoon’s own mannerisms, looking out the window as the younger giggled and turned to his street, both hands strongly gripping the wheel.
“Do you go to parties often?” He was shy and genuinely curious, instinctively looking at Jay through the mirror, and he heard Jake let out a sigh, he could tell he was tired too. “No, not really, I hadn’t seen most of those people since like August either. That was all he needed to hear, a small smile spreading on his lips as he remembered what Jay had told him- the possibility that Jake had perhaps gone there with the idea of being with him in mind made his heart flutter.

“I’m so tired...There were way too many people there.” The older melted in his seat, a hand covering his eyes and Sunghoon cooed at how cute the habit was, biting his lip as he realized how close to his apartment they were. He’d chosen to drop Jake off first because Jay was most definitely sleeping over.

“We’re almost there.” He spoke to reassure him, and he didn’t miss the way the older looked at him from behind his hand, he wanted to look too, but he knew he’d get lost if he tried, so he didn’t.
Soon enough he found Jake’s apartment complex, a few lights on in the street and a butchered no parking sign that read No Park, they both laughed at it, silence filling up the car again as it came to a stop and suddenly it was time to say goodbye again.
Jake peeked at Jay like a madman, as soon as the car stopped he was jumping on his seat to check, the older absolutely unconscious and Sunghoon giving him a puzzled look. “He’s asleep, he drank the punch and fought some middle school kid.” His voice was monotone, the older giggling at the sight but once again giving Sunghoon one of his signature smiley looks, one of those he couldn’t keep to himself when he was too excited.

“Thank you.” Was all he said, hand reaching out to rest on the younger’s cheek and brushing long raven hairs off his face gently, Sunghoon’s breath caught in his throat, both of them at a reasonable distance until they weren’t. “Is this okay?” Jake whispered, once again so close his breath reached his skin in a second.
Squirming a little in his seat, Sunghoon could only vaguely mutter a weak ‘yeah.’ before the older’s lips were on his again, eyes squeezed shut as he let Jake completely lead the way; it was almost as if he’d read his mind, as if he knew how uneasy the spectator to their first kiss had made him, and his heart swelled thinking of how caring his boyfriend must be to keep such details in mind, to know him so well, to think about his feelings so naturally and to show it without any shame.

As soon as they separated, Sunghoon was quick to lean in for another kiss, their faces radiating an intense warmth and the only sound in his ears being the subtle clacking of the metal buttons on Jake’s sleeves, both of them running out of breath again and pulling away, now entirely, and in silence, the older taking off his seatbelt like it’d been choking him the entire while and it made him giggle again. “I’ll see you on Thursday, alright?” A smile spread on his face as the older spoke with a huge grin on his face, nodding and watching him leave, only then noticing Jay’s subtle snores in the backseat and the trembling of his hands, before he realized Jake was inside and it was time for him to leave, too.

He reached for the pedal, his phone lighting up the inside of the car to get a good look, and aside from the few text messages he’d received from Jungwon- all about jay-, what stood out to him was a missed call from Heeseung, one he didn’t plan on returning.

------------------------------------------

Just like usual, Jake and him had planned to meet up that Thursday to watch Napoleon Dynamite, as of Sunghoon’s request- the older had been the one to choose the movie they watched every single time before, so it was finally his turn, as a thank you gift for taking him home from the Christmas party. Neither of them thought to acknowledge what had happened in Jay’s car and in their classmate’s laundry room.
Sunghoon’s parents were only vaguely aware of Jake since he came over very often, but they weren’t fully acquainted as the skater was basically unable to lie to his mother, the prospect in itself made him shudder in anticipation; he knew she’d see right through him and since the beginning had asked Jake to keep his distance, although seeing all the time they spent together and the way they acted around each other, he knew they mostly had an idea of the role the older played in his life.
Their lack of first-hand encounters was what made him so utterly confused when, as soon as the elder showed up at his doorstep, both his parents called them to eat dinner together, and to make things even better, both Jay and Heeseung also sat at the dinner table with them.

So there sat Sunghoon, Jay playfully kicking the side of his ankle as his parents chatted Heeseung up about university, he was like their third son, he was lovely and he'd always talk to them about his future plans with all the sweetness in the world, though despite the endearment such a scene caused him, Sunghoon did not miss the older's snarky remark about how he'd called him about coming to dinner but he hadn't replied- yeah, that probably happened just as he said, their conversation a few days back did not ease the lump in his throat every time he had to speak in the older's direction.

Jake sat next to his mother who every now and then turned to ask him about miscellaneous things, he didn't glance at Sunghoon a single time in what he could only guess was an attempt at not making them look guiltier than they did, and he appreciated it, it was definitely something he’d do out of the kindness of his pure and ever so understanding heart.

It was halfway through the dinner that Jake turned to Jay curiously, hands reaching out to pull on the fabric elastic that sat on the end of his wrist, a small bracelet meant to keep it warm; puzzled look on his face; "Is this mine?" Jay scoffed, both of them beginning one of their usual quarrels, Sunghoon didn't even pay any mind to them, the sound of his parents complimenting Heeseung on his grades was more relevant in his opinion.
It was then, though, that Jay let out what could be considered the nail on his coffin, bagel in between his teeth and voice muffled, eyes turning to Jake as he spoke, "Yeah, you left it in my car the other night when you and Hoon made out in the front seats." Perhaps he spoke too loud, the entire table turning to look at the both of them, his parents with wide eyes and Heeseung's spoon falling off his hand, Sunghoon throwing his head back and his arms dropping by his sides, eyes squeezed shut.

There was a moment of silence, Jay coughing into his fist, embarrassed, and muttering something along the lines of 'just kidding. Haha.' An awkward silence following the tragedy until Heeseung broke it by announcing it was his time to leave, not without shooting Sunghoon the saddest look he'd ever seen, and suddenly the embarrassment that'd been blooming in his chest turned to sorrow, squirming in his seat as he itched to go after him, it was the least he owed him.
His mother called his name, he knew she needed an explanation and he knew she was gonna pester Jake about what had happened too, but he wasn't going to let another opportunity to fix things with his elder pass him by; he muttered about being back as soon as possible, leaving behind a warm plate of food and a confused group of four, stumbling on his own feet as he struggled to catch up to Heeseung who'd been taking the short walk to his own home, they lived less than a block away.

"Hyung!” His high pitched yells contrasted with the quiet atmosphere of an evening in the suburbs, Heeseung’s own family’s apartment complex less than two minutes away when he finally caught up to him, the older looking at him as if he were doing the most ridiculous thing in the world. “Sunghoon? What are you doing here?” He stood with his hands on his knees, gasping for air as his senior watched him from behind a thick white wool scarf, nose red and an unreadable expression on his face.

“I-I came to talk to you...you walk so fast...Hyung...wait for me…” He spoke between gasps for air, a piercing pain in his chest and the elder placed a hand on his back, “I’m sorry, what’s wrong?” Sunghoon stood straight, looking up at him like a child who’d done something terrible, he couldn’t even begin to explain what was wrong.
“I'm sorry for not picking up your calls." Heeseung huffs, almost laughing out loud at the words he'd struggled so much to get out, Sunghoon doesn't find it funny, not even a little bit.

"You ran all the way here to tell me that?" His voice was soft, as always, not biting back any negative or malicious intent, and the taller finally looked into his eyes with all the shame in the world swimming in his. "I'm sorry for avoiding you, I'm sorry for putting you aside and I'm sorry for not telling you how I felt sooner." He spit it all out like he'd been holding it in for the longest time, the elder smiling at him as discreetly as could be, hands in his pockets now as he looked straight at Sunghoon. "You must be so cold…" He said, breaking eye contact to remove his own scarf and place it on his neck, hands resting on his shoulders after wrapping it as safely as he could; he always, always tied his scarf at least three times. "I know you are."

Sunghoon stares at him, bewildered, cheeks and nose flushed from the cold, his phone vibrating against his pocket and he no longer feels his heart sink at the thought it might be from the boy standing in front of him. "I don't know how much longer you'll keep lying about this, but I promise you it's not gonna end well." Heeseung lets out a breath, both of them standing in silence for a second before he spins on his heel, no longer sparing Sunghoon a glance as he begins walking, they're walking together, but they're not talking anymore.

"You should go back, Jake didn't look happy for me to be there either." He says almost absentmindedly, Sunghoon can see the way he shrinks into his shoulders now with no scarf on his neck.
"What? Why not?" A pause, the older is thinking again. "He has every reason to feel insecure about us, you know?" And his voice isn't malicious, it isn't anything. They get to his apartment complex and Heeseung sees him off, his white scarf slowly unwrapping from Sunghoon's neck as he walks back, lips pursed and hands in his pockets.

Jay had somehow managed to appease his parents, by the time he gets home Jake is in his room waiting for him and his parents are chatting about some unimportant neighborhood gossip, his mother tells him he can eat his dinner later and that they need to talk, he doesn't pay much of a mind to it, as he immediately finds himself rushing to his room, where he later finds Jake curled up on his bed with both hands holding his phone against his knees that sit stuck to his chest.

The older sees him enter the room but doesn't acknowledge it, he's pouting and his hair is in his eyes as he plays some unknown title on his dimmed phone screen, Sunghoon wordlessly sits beside him, incapable of yet apologizing without knowing what his senior had said to be true.
"Why did you leave?" Is all Jake says, and he knows he's upset, because he doesn't look up from the screen, voice void of the usual giddiness it has when they're together.
"I needed to talk to Hyung...I was afraid he might tell my parents, too" Sunghoon stared at his floor, wondering where the scarf might be now.

"Tell them what?" Jake looks up at him, his voice laced with suspicion that he can only assume comes from the fact that their relationship is pretty much well known by his parents otherwise, he knows the older is asking if Heeseung knows more than most, and it almost embarrasses him to confirm it. "That we lied." He trails off, face feeling hot, Jake was judging him and he could tell from the way he fully looked up from his game when he spoke.

"He knows? You told him?" The elder spoke in utter disbelief, Sunghoon couldn't look up at him, not when he could tell the disappointment he'd see just from the tone of his voice.
"I did, kind of- but he already knew." He'd been speaking like a robot, voice wary and unable to convey quite as much as he wanted to say, Jake was intimidating when he wasn't holding his hand and speaking to him gently, he felt unreachable and out of place when he wasn't looking at him as adoringly as he usually did. “Sunghoon…” He muttered, voice small and almost intruding in the quiet atmosphere of the taller’s otherwise empty room, in his head it felt like they could easily make everything right by laying down together and watching a movie in silence, with Jake nothing ever felt unfixable.

"Let's just break up then! What's the point anymore? We both got what we wanted, clearly it didn't work for you as well as it did for me." Sunghoon finally looked up at him, eyes wide and bottom lip on the verge of quivering as Jake continued to ramble on with his eyes glued to the screen again. "I had to sit through a whole hour of your parents talking about how amazing he is for you, why didn't you just go ahead and date him? You know, I had a crush on you for like two- three years before you even looked my way, and he doesn't even need to try to get your attention, you're only ever thinking of him." The elder started going in circles, brows furrowed as he spoke and Sunghoon could only sit there in silence waiting for him to finish, he had no idea that was his perspective on things.

“You knew your parents were gonna ask me about that, why did you leave? What was I supposed to do when you don’t even want to tell them anything!? Even Jay was confused, it was so embarrassing...I can’t believe you left me like that.” Sunghoon’s head hung low in shame, brows furrowed as he looked at Jake’s own closed off figure, it was as if he were hiding behind his phone screen, the green and yellow light from it showing his red-eyed quivering lipped reality. “Of course it doesn’t matter anyway because Heeseung needed you! God forbid Lee Heeseung suffers for a second!” He was angry, angrier than sad if ever, and Sunghoon wanted to let him breathe, the way he tapped away on the screen making him itch to reach out for his hand.

“I’m sorry, I- I panicked too, last time I saw him things didn’t end well and he’s my friend.” Jake visibly slouched at the word, making him shudder, just how long had he been keeping all these things to himself? “I know It’s frustrating- and I shouldn’t have left like that, but no matter how messy things between Hyung and me are, I’ll always choose you.” his hands were sitting on his lap, eyes trained on Jake’s small figure that struggled to make itself even smaller under his gaze.

The light of the screen disappeared, the older looking up but not in any kind of relief or reassurance, the same angry look on his face, “Today, last week- and even the day at the ice rink, you didn’t choose me.” He got off Sunghoon’s bed with his brows permanently furrowed, the younger reaching his hand out to hold his but he’d completely ignored it, putting his jacket on with more roughness than needed.

“I really like you, only you.” Was all he said, and Jake deflated, shoving his phone in his pocket. “Don’t call me.” Was all he muttered, still uncharacteristically small in presence as he left the younger’s room, Sunghoon sitting on his bed wondering if perhaps he should call him to make sure he got home safely, if maybe, perhaps this meant he’d been rejected.

He sat in silence for a good while, staring at his hands in his lap and he heard his parents greeting Jake when he left, still so sweetly thanking them for the meal even when his sorrow spilled into his voice- a few hours later, his mother brought his unfinished dinner, though he wasn’t at all willing to have any kind of conversation with her about what had happened between him and his (now possibly ex) boyfriend, he’d brushed it off as one of Jay’s embarrassing slip-ups, and she didn’t pry.

He did, though, shyly and hesitantly text Jake later in the evening to make sure he got home alright, the older clearly not meaning to reply but doing so eventually after leaving him on seen for more than an hour and a half, he probably felt bad, and it made Sunghoon’s chest swell.
Things were confusing for him since the beginning, they didn’t ever discuss the possibility of becoming a real couple though there was a sense of fidelity and requitedness between them that they both respected, neither of them showed any kind of interest in dating anyone else and as far as Sunghoon was concerned, Jake was always to be referred to as his boyfriend, nothing less. But where did they draw the line? He knew the older knew exactly how he felt, especially after how clearly he’d told him earlier, he knew, as well, that he probably liked him too- if their previous interactions were anything to go by.

But for Jake to feel jealous of him and Heeseung? For him to have liked Sunghoon for so long? For him to have been in the least aware of his existence? It was all news to him, he couldn’t even begin to imagine how he must’ve felt all this time keeping such feelings a secret from him, his heart felt heavy, both in guilt and a little bit of his own frustration, how come the older thought he and Heeseung had a chance or that he was at all interested in such things with him? He couldn’t help but beat himself up over how hesitant he’d been to show how he felt about him, now above all anything else he felt he needed to be honest and genuinely sort his feelings without any casualties involved.

So he began writing letters again.

-----------------------------------------
A week into his new habit, Sunghoon found he truly wasn’t half as poetically gifted as he used to be, he would write away until his wrist got tired, but all his letters ever said were multiple variations of ‘I’m really sad.’, ‘This sucks so bad.’, ‘Jake’s hair kind of smells like baby oil sometimes and that’s really cute’. Truth is, he’d grown out of it, nowadays it felt like he had nothing to say, even writing about how upset their fallout made him felt like a chore, same old unpleasant feeling in his guts coming back to bite at his conscience every time he so little as thought of the boy.

He tried to reach out to him, texted him regularly to make sure he was okay but didn’t insist too much, never sought him personally and never called him either- because he wanted to be respectful and show him he did listen to what he said; it didn’t mean, however, that he wasn’t having an absolutely horrible time being away from him.
The first few days of not speaking to Jake went by sleeping and with very little energy to leave his bed, his family did as much as they could by bringing food to his room and his mother reminding him to take care of himself- for three days he struggled not sleeping, and for the remaining three he spent an alarming amount of time at the ice rink, only coming home after dark with a huge grin on his face after spending the whole day spinning and spinning with music blasting in his ears so loud he was convinced not a single thought had navigated his brain.

Heeseung and him patched things up and often spent time calling each other, Heeseung kept his distance regardless and Sunghoon understood why, he was too hung up on missing Jake to feel at all bothered by the older trying to keep himself sane and away from the disaster. Jay had apologized to him a million times, and he accepted every single one, it wasn’t his fault their relationship had gone south, after all, it did seem like Jake had his own fair share of insecurities about it since the beginning, it was a time bomb waiting for the right moment to blow up in Sunghoon’s face.

It was December thirty first when his parents invited their distant relatives over for their new year’s eve dinner, his mother decorated all over the house and even pressured Jungwon into baking for their elder aunts who were absolutely fascinated by the younger’s skill- Sunghoon, on the other hand, was only told to look pretty and greet his family, one of these activities being one he found almost completely impossible.
Their house wasn’t packed, the occasional family friend and relative waltzed around the kitchen and common area calmly, some of them stopping to smile at Jungwon and Sunghoon who sat isolated at the back of their living room, both in chairs they’d dragged from the kitchen without their mother’s permission, playing some unknown videogame on Jungwon’s phone.

“Why isn’t Jake here? Mom told him to come last week.” Spoke Jungwon, all uninterested and out of the orbit as he chewed on red licorice and handed his older brother the phone to play his turn, Sunghoon’s eyes opening almost comically and snapping out of their spots in his face, turning to look at the shorter completely flabbergasted. “She what!?” His voice was loud, but not so much it’d disrupt the atmosphere, all it resulted in was huffs and shushes from nearby uncles that looked a little too tipsy.

“Last week when he left, she told him to come today and he said he’d think about it, he didn’t look like he really wanted to, though.” of course he didn’t, he’d just dumped me.
“I-I have to go to the bathroom, play my turn” He muttered, shoving the phone in his little brother’s direction as he stumbled to the hallway, legs shaky when he shoved himself into the small room and slipped down the door to the tiled floor, face buried in his hands.

His heart felt like it would beat out of his chest, he wasn’t ready to see Jake at all- texting him every few days to ask if he was okay came nowhere near a real conversation, the sole idea felt terrifying, especially now that he discovered he was emotionally constipated in comparison to barely-teenage-him who wrote the sweetest things about the elder, how could he even face him after all this time he’d been silently begging for an opportunity to do so? Hoping was easy when he didn’t have to do anything else.

What he feared most was rejection, for Jake to show up mid-dinner to rip his heart out of his chest and stomp on it, especially in front of his family; he couldn’t even begin to imagine the embarrassment of being rejected in front of his mother who had told him only a few days ago how much of a good boy the older is.

After sitting on the cold tiled bathroom floor for a good ten minutes, Sunghoon came out looking like he’d committed a crime, raven head looking every corner of the room in search of the ever so endearing posture of his (now ex) boyfriend, but to no avail, his eyes catching on the blonde head of hair now taking up his space and making his brother giggle into his hand, how many people had his mother invited?
A good chunk of his night was spent sitting by Jay and Jungwon who quarreled over some stupid comic they read together, Sunghoon’s eyes burning into the back of Jay’s head the few times he so dared to comment on Jungwon’s appearance, he couldn’t believe his own eyes when he watched his best friend lean in to brush hair off his little brother’s face while mouthing something about his eye lashes being pretty.

Jungwon blushed, and his own stomach turned in both disbelief and disgust, the eldest was so shameless he didn’t even bother looking his way when he was up and about again, too caught up in his conversation with the younger to notice Sunghoon stumbling on himself to go hide in the living room couch, already in the grasp of one of his aunts before he’d even sat on it. The rest of his evening was spent listening to her and her sister prattle about some woman from their local hairdresser having a baby with her daughter’s teacher, about how handsome Sunghoon was, about how if he wore his hair parted to the side he’d be the most stunning man in the world; and he listened, his mind empty and with no other worries or concerns other than what would happen if he were to listen to their advice.

Eventually they left, like most of the guests, the eldest of the siblings left to clean up most of the mess as his parents were tired and his little brother was absolutely burned out after a whole day of baking, he’d been glad to help after spending the whole day sitting around moping and looking for the one person he wanted to see, Heeseung’s family didn’t even shown up because they were visiting their hometown for the holidays and Sunghoon hadn’t felt so lonely in a very long time.

He’d been doing the dishes when a weak knock on the door snapped him out of the task, stumbling on himself as he rushed to open the door way more excitedly than he should have, it was two in the morning and even though he was aware the party was over and everyone was very much over the hype of the new year already, he was still waiting, and quite honestly, he’d wait forever if he needed to.
As soon as he opened the front door of their apartment, a rosy cheeked and thick sweater-covered Jake stood there with his eyes peeled, looking up at him like he hadn’t been expecting Sunghoon to be in his own house.

The taller itched to pull him into the tightest embrace he could- but he didn’t, because he didn’t want to scare him away, instead just gently holding the shorter’s cold hands that sat floating in between the two of them from when he’d reluctantly knocked on the door, Sunghoon unable to keep the excitement and sheer happiness of seeing him off his voice as he gingerly spoke, “You came!” He said, still hopeful Jake wouldn’t push him away.
The older sighed and broke into a smile, his hands holding the taller’s tightly, not a hint of the cold unforgiving look he gave him last time they met, just tenderness in both his voice and his manners. “Of course I did.” He reached to push a stray hair off of his face, smiling at him so sweetly he forgot for a second that he was standing halfway outside and halfway inside. “Can I come in?” His voice was shy and it made Sunghoon giggle, they’d been standing there for so long the living room was significantly colder when the door was shut, Jake undoing his scarf and the taller unable to keep his eyes off him, so unbelievably happy to see his face again.

Just like always, Sunghoon went back to what he was doing and the elder followed, every time they met up at home he’d be shy to sit by himself or take up any space, so he’d stick to him and barely leave his side unless they were in his room.
He muttered something about having to clean and Jake hummed, leaving his heavy coat draped over his shoulders even inside due to the cold, and almost as if nothing had happened he sat on the counter by Sunghoon who continued his task, neither of them talking.

“I’m sorry for being so dramatic last week, I know you needed to talk to Hyung…” His voice was as small as before, the skater glanced at him from where he stood and he couldn’t help but notice the tips of his ears burning with embarrassment, hands in his lap and head hanging low, he couldn’t believe he wasn’t at least a little bit mad at him.
“I-I was really jealous and I didn’t know how to tell you and it was really embarrassing and then you were wearing his scarf and…” the older buried his face in his hands with a whine, he was rambling and Sunghoon was drying his hands on his own sweater, leaning back on the counter next to Jake.

“Why didn’t you tell me about all that before? I wouldn’t have spent so much time with Heeseung Hyung if I knew it bothers you.” His voice was gentle, rubbing circles on Jake’s back and the older looked up at him with a quivering bottom lip. “Because we’re not even a real couple, who am I to tell you what you can and can’t do?” Sunghoon’s shoulders slumped, reaching from his back to brush fingers through his hair. “I really like you.” He trailed off, looking into his eyes for as long as the elder let him before looking down again.

“I thought you and Heeseung would turn into a thing if I didn’t give you a good enough reason to stay with me.” Jake’s sorrow bled into his words and it made the taller frown, the fact that he had such perspective on things squeezed his heart. “You don’t need to do anything to convince me, I’m not going anywhere.” Sunghoon pressed the side of his head to the elder’s, relishing in the way he reached out for his free hand to hold it.

“Are you sure?” Jaeyun looked up at him with bright puppy eyes, almost pleading as their fingers intertwined, and the taller smiled at him, more than glad to reassure him in every way possible if it meant he’d be back in his arms soon enough. “Of course.” He muttered, leaning to kiss his forehead, the shorter sighing as he reached to wrap his arms around his waist and hide in his chest.
Jake was precious to him and the thought of how long he must’ve felt alone and insufficient made his chest tight, cringing as he recalled his expression back when they’d first agreed to start their faux relationship, Sunghoon had sworn perjured that he didn't like him that way anymore, now he felt stupid.

“I really like you too.” He muttered, Sunghoon fully wrapping both of his arms around him as they sat in silence, the raven haired boy’s strong and rapid heartbeat drumming on Jake’s ears almost like the most compelling lullaby in the world, the corniest of thoughts running through his mind as he wondered if maybe they were in sync like that.

“Do you wanna be my real boyfriend?” He asked, awkwardly, the elder giggling and looking up from where he hid in his chest, nodding before leaving a chaste, short peck on his lips, both of them all giddy and red-faced, Sunghoon’s warm hands moving up to cup his face, looking at him so lovingly he felt like he’d melt. "I missed you a lot…" he spoke shyly and leaned in for another kiss, cheeks warm and Jake biting back a smile to reciprocate, joining their foreheads together and standing there in silence, the warmth of their breaths fanning each other’s lips.

“Are you serious?” Jungwon’s venomous voice interrupted the moment and both of them whipped their heads towards him in both shock and sheer embarrassment, the youngest stared at them from mid living room with an annoyed expression on his features. “It’s three in the morning. I woke up and I felt bad because I thought you were still cleaning, I came to help you- but instead you’re making out in the kitchen.” He crossed his arms over his chest, both teenagers smiling at him sheepishly but not moving an inch from each other’s embrace.

“I’m done with the dishes already, go to sleep.” Sunghoon’s voice was a little shaky, and Jake giggled, kissing his cheek before looking back at Jungwon’s judging figure. “We’ll finish cleaning, sorry for waking you up, Wonnie.” The youngest smiled at him and retreated back where he came from, the elders breaking into giggles and finally letting go of each other, the loud but muffled sounds of a party next door serving background noise as Jake reached out to intertwine their fingers again.

“I really like you, Sunghoon.” His heart fluttered, thumb stroking the elder's hand and instinctively letting his head lean on his, Jake was so warm and safe and perfect for him he felt like he'd cry of relief, finally getting to hold him again was probably all he'd ever remember from that new year's Day.

“I really like you too.”