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It had always been the two of them.
For as long as Theo remembers, it had always been him and Draco. Attached at the hip. Wherever Theo went, Draco would always follow.
Theodore Nott and Draco Malfoy first met when they were nothing but babies.
They took their first steps together, said their first words together, rode their first brooms at the gardens of the Malfoy Manor together – much to their mothers’ dismay - rode the Hogwarts Express for the first time together, strutted into the Slytherin common room for the first time arm in arm, shared their first kiss, their first handjob, their first blowjob, their first time, their first drunken night together, were together the day they both confessed their love for each other, when they were branded with the Dark Mark, and when they fell for Hermione Granger.
They had always shared their firsts.
Until they didn’t.
Because when Theodore Nott first got his heart broken, Draco Malfoy was the happiest he had ever been.
Theo remembers the day he lost Draco as if it were yesterday. Every action, every smell, every word and every little detail of that night was burned into the back of his eyes like a permanent reminder of what he no longer had.
November 1998
It happened on a Thursday, on the second week of November. The skies were a dark and angry shade of blue. The midnight wind was ruthless against his skin, and it crept up Theo’s robes, promptly freezing his bones. He was cold all over, so he quickly cast a warming charm on himself as he walked through the empty corridors of Hogwarts.
He had woken up to one of his many nightmares and when he turned to his left on his four poster bed looking for comfort, he found the space beside him empty. Something was wrong. Theo knew this right away because Draco was always there to comfort him, every time he woke up in a cold sweat, screaming bloody murder.
Draco was always there to catch him.
Until he wasn’t.
That was why Theo could be found roaming the empty and dark corridors of Hogwarts, way past midnight, searching for his boyfriend.
His first instinct was to go to the Astronomy Tower, seeing as that had always been their place. Their own little safe haven where they would just spend hours and hours on end watching the stars, talking and snogging. Now, however, that safe haven didn’t belong just to Theo and Draco. Sometime along their journey at Hogwarts, they had shared their special place with the loveliest witch they have ever met - Hermione Granger. Their witch, their Golden Girl.
At the thought of the loves of his life, a small smile crept up on Theo’s face.
Merlin, did he love them...
Theo stopped dead in his tracks, almost at the top of the staircase leading up to the Astronomy Tower, when he heard the voices of both his wizard and his witch.
“What are we going to do, Draco?”
“I don’t know,” Draco sighed.
From his spot on the stairs, Theo could see Draco sitting on the floor, Hermione crouching in front of him, her hands on his knees for balance. They both had sour looks on their faces, and maybe that was what compelled Theo to not move from his hidden place.
“I can’t do this anymore. I-I can’t. I can’t keep going on like this,” Draco cried into his hands. Hermione lifted a hand from his knee and gently caressed his arm. “We have to tell him, Hermione. We have to tell Theo.”
At the mention of his name, his heart skipped a beat.
“I’m sorry, Draco. This is all my fault,” Hermione lamented as she closed the remaining distance between them and rested her forehead against his. “I tried. You know I tried… I tried so hard to love him the same way I love you but... I can’t.”
In the silence that settled after those words left Hermione’s mouth, Theo was sure that the only thing that could be heard was the sound of his own heart breaking.
Draco lifted his head and met Hermione’s gaze. Her eyes were so sad. Full of regret and pain for what she knew was about to come. Theo couldn’t see it clearly from here he stood, but he was almost certain that Draco’s eyes paralleled Hermione’s.
“Hermione…” her name came out of Draco’s mouth in a tone barely louder than a whisper. “I love him. I love him so much. He’s not just my boyfriend. He’s my best friend. We were meant to grow old together, run away from here and leave everything behind so that we could finally have the life we always dreamt of.” Draco’s cries grew louder, and Theo felt as if someone was physically ripping his heart right out of his chest cavity.
Were. Not are. Why was Draco speaking in the past?
Theo heard Hermione’s voice next, breaking slightly as she said, “Is that still what you want?” Draco didn’t immediately reply. “Because if that’s what you want,” she continued, “then I will leave. I will leave and you can both be happy again as you once were. Just the two of you.”
“No!”
There was no hesitation. Draco barely let Hermione finish her sentence before he blurted it out. Theo’s vision grew blurry with tears as he fought hard to hold back a sob, hand clutching at the space where his heart was barely beating.
They were always meant to grow old together.
Until they weren’t.
“No,” Draco repeated. “I-I love him, Hermione, I do. But I love you more.” Hermione smiled softly at the boy in front of her. “Theo is all I’ve ever known. He’s always been the one constant thing in my life. The one person I knew would always be there for me, no matter what. And he makes me happy. He has always made me happy but, at the same time, I’ve always felt like something was missing. Like something wasn’t quite right. Incomplete. But then you came along. And Gods, Hermione, you complete me. In every way possible.”
“Draco…” Hermione’s eyes were glossy, and she was fighting to not let those tears spill.
“No, no. Let me finish, love.” Draco reached out to one of the curls laying by the side of her face and tucked it behind her ear, giving her a soft smile. “When you came to me, during sixth year, that was the lowest I’ve ever been. I was drowning, Hermione, and you saved me. You breathed air into my lungs, and you brought me back to the surface. You took my heart, in your hands, and you made it whole again. You saved me in every way a person can be saved. And that’s when I realized that you are it for me, Hermione Granger. You make me the happiest I’ve ever been and I just want you. All of you. For the rest of our lives.”
Theo’s entire world shattered in front of him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was as if all the air had been sucked right out of his lungs and he was falling. He wanted to say something. He wanted to make his presence known to the pair, but he was frozen. Frozen in time as he watched his world crumble right in front of his eyes.
But he couldn’t face them.
So, he left.
Theodore Nott left his heart – or what remained of it - at the top of the Astronomy Tower with Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger during that cold November night.
December 2004
Theo sat at the floor of his balcony, an unopened letter in his left hand and a half smoked cigarette on his right. He took a long drag from his cigarette and eyed the beautifully written cursive at the front of the letter. It was from Pansy. They were always from Pansy as she was the only one who knew his location.
After leaving England, Theo lived in the South of France for a couple years. Never staying for more than two years in the same place. Never settling in. Never creating roots.
He was currently in Spain, in the small province of Alicante. Theo chose this specific location for its popularity of having parties all year round, throughout the whole region. Every night the streets were full of people from around the world. Music could be heard from blocks and blocks on end, people chatting, dancing and drinking in every corner. Even then, from his place on his balcony, Theo could hear the chatter of dozens of people scattered around the terraces of the cafés near his flat and the faint sound of some new popular muggle music. He turned his attention back to the letter in his hand and opened it.
Dear Theo,
How are you? How’s Alicante? I hope Spain is treating you well.
I know I’m writing later than I usually do but things have sort of been hectic around here. I’m pregnant, Theo. It’s a little boy and we’re going to name him James, after Harry’s father. We’re so happy, really happy, Theo, but I wish you were here. You were always one of the most important people in my life and I wish you were a part of this journey.
I ran into your father the other day. He asked about you, but don’t worry. I told him that I don’t know about your whereabouts. He doesn’t look very good, though. I’m afraid that his time is running out.
Blaise and Luna are doing good. They moved in together and threw a fantastic house-warming party a couple of weeks ago. Harry got so wasted that he ended up vomiting all over Luna’s plants. It was awful, Theo. Truly rancid! Luna wasn’t very happy about it, but she got over it in two minutes. You know how she is, and we all got a good laugh out of it.
They’re fine too, you know. They’re doing good. Hermione is working her way up to be the Minister for Magic and Draco is an Auror now (thanks to Harry). It’s hard out here, for ex Death Eaters. But Harry put in a good word for him.
He’s still looking for you. He doesn’t let it show but I know it’s killing him. The not knowing. Not knowing why you left or if you’re alright. I wish you’d just at least let me tell him that you’re safe.
I don’t know how to tell you this next part. It would be so much easier to tell you this in person, but you don’t make that exactly easy, do you? They’re engaged. Draco proposed last month. I had a huge fight with him about it. The fucking nerve of him! Of all months…
I need to go now, Theo. I wish we could talk more. One letter every six months isn’t enough, but I understand. I hope you’re alright and I hope you come home one day.
All my love,
Pansy.
As soon as Theo finished reading Pansy’s letter, he grabbed his wand from his pocket and cast a quick Incendio to the letter. He let his head fall against the door of the balcony as he watched the letter burn into nothing in front of him. A sad smile snuck on his face as he remembered Pansy’s words.
He’s still looking for you. He doesn’t let it show but I know it’s killing him.
Good , Theo thought. Maybe now, Draco’s pain finally matched his own.
With one last look to the embers of what was once a letter, Theo reached for the back pocket of his jeans and took out a piece of parchment. His very own letter. The letter he wrote to Draco and Hermione all those years ago, when he was on the train to France, leaving his whole life behind.
He’d planned to send it as soon as he had finished writing it but he didn’t have the guts to do it. A part of him – the sickest, darkest part of who he was – wanted to be selfish. Wanted to leave and not let them know in hopes that the unknown would break them just as much as they broke him that night.
So instead of owling it to them, he had kept it. Every day, for the past four years, he kept the letter in the back pocket of his trousers.
He unfolded the letter carefully as to not rip it - even though he had charmed it a couple years back so it wouldn’t deteriorate - and he read it again, as he did almost every month.
Dear Draco and Hermione,
How the fuck do I even start this? What the fuck am I even supposed to say?
I don’t know… My mind feels like it’s about to collapse at any given moment and I just can’t get the right words out. But do the right words even exist? I don’t think so, to be honest. Not for this.
I was there. At the Astronomy Tower. I heard everything, and as much as I hate it, I’m glad I did. Because at least now I know the truth.
How could you do this to me, Draco? How fucking could you? I gave you everything. I gave you all my firsts. I fucking gave you all of me, even my fucking soul when I got that horrendous Dark Mark on me just so that I could protect you from harm. And this is how you repay me? After everything… everything we went through, how could you? How could you just rip my heart out of my chest and crush it with your bare hands? The same hands that once gave it life.
We were supposed to be together forever. Run away to a small town in fucking Romania and grow old together like we always talked about. When did our dreams stop being the same?
And Hermione… Our relationship was, without a doubt, very different. But I loved you nonetheless. I always loved you, even when I didn’t know it myself. I’ve admired you from afar since the very beginning and when I tried my hardest to be someone worthy of your love. I guess I didn’t try hard enough even though I was always there to hold you, to kiss your scars and whisper sweet melodies in your ears.
I would have given my life for the both of you in an instant, but you took mine with you at the top of the Astronomy Tower.
I’ll forgive you both. Eventually. Because I know that, despite all of this, your hearts are good. Because despite everything, I can’t bring myself to hate you.
I don’t know when I will be sending this letter. Maybe tomorrow when I arrive at my destination. Maybe in a couple of days, weeks, months. Or maybe I’ll send it the day I finally move one.
Yours,
Theo.
January 2006
Dear Theo,
I wish you came to meet James. You would love him. He reminds me of you sometimes, with him being a pain in my arse most days and all that. You two would make a good team – antagonizing me and Harry.
They had a little boy two weeks ago – Scorpius. He was born on the thirteenth of January. Merlin, he looks just like Draco. Unfortunately, the poor child got his fathers’ horrendous white hair and his mother’s dreadful curls. That boy is in for a life of teasing.
Draco told me they named him after your favorite constellation.
Love,
Pansy.
Pansy’s letters grew smaller by the years and, surprisingly, Theo was okay with that. Truth be told, every detail that Pansy provided him of the live he had left behind, killed him a bit more inside.
August 2009
“Here’s your coffee, sir.”
“ Grazie, ” replied Theo with a small smile to the young waitress.
Theo stirred his coffee as he admired the beautiful view in front of him. The skies were a striking shade of light blue and the sun shone brightly over the city of Crema.
He was in Italy now. Has been there for almost three months and he fell in love. But not with someone, no, with the country and its cities, the scenery, the language and its residents. For the first time, in almost ten years, Theo felt at home again.
He didn’t know why it took him so long to go to Italy. Maybe it was because he wasn’t ready to be in the place where the Nott family was first born. Maybe it was because he was afraid to be recognized from his last name. Or maybe it was because he knew that this is what he would feel once he stepped foot in the country and he wasn’t ready to feel like he belonged somewhere again.
He sipped on his coffee and went about reading the book he grabbed in a hurry on the way out his flat. As he noticed the title of the book, he let out a bitter laugh.
“Hogwarts – A History.”
Her favorite.
“Mind if I sit, handsome?”
At the sound of an unfamiliar voice, Theo looked up from his book to find a young man standing in front of him, one hand at the back of the chair parallel to Theo’s. Theo didn’t say anything. He was too busy gawking at the man to even be able to formulate a sentence. If he had to guess, he would say that the man was around his age. Tall, fit, a breathtaking smile, but what left Theo flabbergasted were his eyes. They were green. But not a normal shade of green, no. They were muddy-green, and they rendered Theo speechless. The sun was shining directly above his eyes, making them even more noticeable, and Theo could have sworn that he had never seen anything so beautiful in his life.
“Uh… There aren’t really any more tables left and I don’t want to have my coffee inside considering it’s such a beautiful day today. It would be a crime to waste such a perfect afternoon in the inside of a café, don’t you think? And I would much rather have my coffee with such a fine man as yourself rather than all by myself,” the stranger added after those minutes of silence from Theo’s end.
“Yes, of course,” said Theo, all the while trying to hold back a laugh thanks to the obvious flirting.
“You look strangely familiar. Have we met before?” asked the other man as he took a seat on the empty chair.
“I highly doubt it. I’m new to town.”
“Hmm… Strange. Very strange,” added the stranger as he looked Theo up and down, “but I suppose you’re right. And I’m pretty sure that had I ever met you, I wouldn’t have forgotten such a pretty face like yours.”
Theo chocked on his coffee as a beautiful shade of red crept up his neck and onto his cheeks. “I’m Theo, by the way. Theodore Nott.”
“I’m Bronson. Baldric Bronson,” he added as he jostled his hand in Theo’s face for him to shake it, “It’s a pleasure to meet you .”
They stayed at the café that day until it was closing time. They talked for hours and hours on end. They discovered that they were both wizards – as Theo had forgotten his copy of Hogwarts – A History on the top of the table and Bronson immediately recognized it – and after that, they talked for hours and hours on end, conversation never running dry. They talked about their lives, about the places they’d visited, their struggles, their favorite subjects, their pet peeves, their plans for the future, about anything and everything. The most important part of the day, though, was how they laughed.
Theo didn’t remember the last time he had felt so at ease - so comfortable in the presence of someone else. Talking with Bronson was easy, and it made him feel lightheaded.
As they exited the terrace and prepared to go their separate ways, Theo realized that he wouldn’t mind spending more time with Bronson. Without giving it a second thought, he blurted out “What are you doing tomorrow?”
Bronson turned his head so as to be face to face with Theo and smirked, “I don’t know. You tell me."
“Fancy a trip to the big city?”
“Oh, darling, I would fancy anything you’d throw my way.”
Theo laughed, but not a fake laugh like the ones he had given everyone for the past ten years, no. A genuine, warm laugh like he had done all afternoon with Bronson. “You know, what you said before, about us maybe having met before?” Bronson looked curiously at him. “Maybe we have. I feel like we have, just not in this life. ”
Bronson gave him a dazzling smile before placing a gentle kiss on Theo’s cheek and bidding him farewell.
And for the first time in almost ten years, Theo didn’t think of Draco and Hermione.
The next day, before meeting Bronson for their little trip, Theo owled Draco and Hermione their letter.
Draco and Hermione were always on his mind.
Until they weren’t.