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Lily Evans was not one for hate. Love was what anchored her life- love for her parents, love for her sister, love for her friends, love for potions and charms and almost every other subject at Hogwarts. There were plenty of things that she disliked- her sister’s boyfriend was wretched, for example, and she had never understood how anyone could prefer a slobbering dog over, well, any kind of cat. Neither of those two annoyances quite reached the level of hatred.
But if there was one thing that she truly did hate, it was finding out that she was wrong.
She did not consider herself to be stubborn- stubbornness was a quality reserved for prideful bastards like Potter and Black. She could admit when she was wrong about the little things. It was only when she was wrong about the big things, like who she trusted (and who she encouraged to piss off), that she was left feeling that ugly, simmering rage.
Nearly two years after the end of her friendship with Severus, it still stung. She had clung to her love for him, time after time, refusing to throw it away until that horrible word snapped the final support holding up the bridge between them. She told herself that she couldn’t have known until then that he was beyond saving, but some part of her had known it all along.
Now, her life was at a fragile peace. She leaned heavily on Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas, whose influence had caused her to become friendly with the so-called Marauders. Other than Remus, who now rivaled her dormmates in terms of friendship, she kept the boys at a safe distance. Giving out extra chances, only to have them wasted, was a game she didn’t want to play again.
Of course, James Potter had to be the one to make her question everything. She had no idea when things started to change. It happened so gradually that she hardly noticed when his presence in the room began to make her feel at ease, rather than irritated. And when had his longing gazes, poorly-hidden as always, left her feeling endeared rather than annoyed?
It all clicked on a regular Monday evening, early in their seventh year. The eight of them sat in comfortable silence in the Gryffindor Common Room. Marlene lay tucked under Dorcas’s arm, and Sirius under Remus’s. Mary and Lily half-played a game of Wizard’s Chess, while James desperately raced against the clock to tutor Peter in time for their morning transfiguration exam.
While Mary plotted her next move, Lily found herself watching James, who worked hard to help his friend in spite of the yawns that were growing in frequency by the minute. He looked up and gave Lily a sleepy smile, seeming a little lost in thought. She smiled back without thinking.
Her equally sleepy brain began to muse about how she understood now that he, like her, was motivated in all actions, good and bad, more by love than by hate. They really weren’t that different. With this simple understanding, she realized that she had been wrong.
She had been wrong about James Potter.
That realization snapped everything into place so harshly that she gasped. She looked around at her friends, confirming that none of them had noticed her sudden change in mood, and quietly excused herself to go to bed.
Her determination to go to sleep left her strangely wide awake. It was like Pandora’s Box- once the thought had occurred to her, she couldn’t put it away again, and her newfound amiability towards James was barrelling into something that she simply could not handle. Something dangerously close to love.
The rest of the girls arrived in their room shortly after she had, but Lily pretended to be asleep already. She knew they would support her through this inner turmoil, if given the opportunity- they always did. But, if letting her feelings roam free in her brain was already eating her apart, she couldn’t imagine what they would do in the open air.
My dirty little secret.
Who has to know?