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23th
there’s a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly.
keep talking. i’ll keep walking towards the sound of your voice.
there is a certain warmth that she only feels close to junna.
it’s cold, cold enough that she brought out her leather gloves. cold enough and cloudy enough that nana knows it will probably snow. maybe she could make some hot chocolates for them later. she did have enough milk to do so.
junna hums by her side. they’re walking home now, side by side and both looking ahead, sharing little to no words. it’s winter and the holidays. both of them won’t go home to their families, the others will leave after the christmas celebration. it’s a situation as familiar as it was new, hikari’s christmas spirit and excitement rubbing off on them.
now they celebrated christmas. now junna organized all of them to put up decorations.
“did you remember to buy cookies?”
nana smiles, shakes the grocery bag in her arm. “i did. i also bought some ingredients to bake a cake. would junna-chan like a chocolate cake for christmas?”
junna laughs, nudging nana’s arm with her shoulder. “anything that nana makes is perfect for me. but i’ll help, alright?”
“of course! this will be the most bananice cake ever if we work together for it,” replies nana. junna nods her head, moving to hold the groceries bag better in her arm.
junna’s strong, always making sure she holds the heavier bag when they go out together. nana finds it charming, even if she can hold just as much, maybe even more. it’s the thought that counts, just as junna’s warm gaze when she meets nana’s eyes.
sometimes, junna’s warmth feels too much like stolen bread. it has been sixty two years, sixty one of which junna doesn’t remember, and nana has yet to stop feeling like she’s on a time limit against fate.
sometimes, junna will smile at her and admit to something that nana already knows and it will be too much, will make nana think if she'll ever feel like junna is truly her friend. as if she truly is her friend and not just a girl she must protect because she l-
“nana.”
she has stopped walking. junna is a couple of steps before her, frowning and unmoving. she looks beautiful under the streetlights. nana can’t have enough of this memory, hates that she can’t bring up her phone to take a picture.
nana hopes her heart can be enough of a camera for now.
“junna-chan. sorry, i was lost in thoughts.”
junna walks closer, until the only thing separating them are their foggy breaths. junna’s glasses are glazed over but she looks up to nana above them, green orbs clear and shining.
nana stands, silent and waiting.
“let’s go home together.”
there’s a space in her heart, empty and cold, that would be a perfect fit for what those words truly mean. home. home is where the heart is and nana can’t understand what she feels but knows that the space in her chest is waiting for something to make it remember how warmth feels again.
it’s cold. junna is warm by her side, an anchor to a better life, the sun to dissipate the shadows from nana’s head. nana smiles, sincerely and softly.
“let's go home, junna-chan.”
junna holds her hand and doesn’t let go of it until they arrive at the dorms.
24th
the radio aches a little tune that tells the story of what the night is thinking.
it’s thinking of love.
“is it turning well, nana?”
she and junna stand side by side before the stove. they’re making pasta tonight, the dorms quiet after everyone left.
it was a beautiful christmas party, even if it was too early in the morning to truly celebrate. they shared gifts and laughs and it felt too much like a real family. perhaps because they were a family, a bond forged and not easily broken by time and all that would happen between them.
she can still hear futaba’s loud laughter as kaoruko shrieked from her gift, claudine yelling at maya for passing the gift price limit, karen and hikari helping mahiru into the suzudaru cat shirt they bought her. they were a loud bunch yet nana was sure that just as her, junna wouldn’t want them any other way.
“mm,” she hums. nana raises the spoon, smiles as junna leans down to taste the sauce. it was her favorite after all, small pieces of chicken cooked in light heat with mushrooms and tomato sauce. nana enjoyed it too, but she enjoyed junna’s smile every time she ate it more than the food itself.
“why don’t you make the table ready for us?” says nana. junna nods her head and they move around the kitchen in a well rehearsed dance, nana grabbing the plates and junna lowering her head when nana leans up to grab two glasses.
they are familiar with the kitchen, with each other. nana pulls junna by the hip to open the drawer where they hold the spoons, junna laughs against her neck when nana holds her against her chest as she tries finding the big spoon for the pasta behind junna, arm tightening around junna’s waist.
“you can search for it with both hands, you know.”
nana hums, leans her lips against junna’s head as she mixes the pasta with the new found spoon. “i’m enjoying this position! and besides, i must make sure you’re not hurt by my movements.”
junna keeps laughing and nana just stops mixing and hugs her with both arms. she’s sure she got some sauce in junna’s shirt. but she’s warm and nana loves it, loves how junna’s laugh makes way for a pleased sigh and how when she pulls away, both of her hands find their place on nana’s cheeks.
“if i get my shirt burned from being so close to the fire-” junna pauses to wipe some sauce from nana’s cheek, “-i’m going to sue you for false advertising as a good kitchen protector.”
nana hums, lets junna’s warmth drown her as she shakes the pan behind junna. judging by the smell, the pasta was ready to be served. junna moves away as nana takes a step back, pan in hand. there’s a small space ready for it in their small table, both opting to use their room’s kitchen instead of the shared one.
junna grins as nana fills their plates. the light from her table illuminates junna’s soft corners, her chubby cheeks as she eats and her sparkling eyes as she looks at nana. she’s beautiful under the soft light and nana doesn’t hesitate to snap a picture.
with junna by her side, every year wasted on the same play and every burden she had to carry for years is worth it. she’d repeat all those years, see junna forget and care for her again and again and again, a never ending cycle, only if it meant she’d get to share a memory as precious as this one.
“junna-chan.” junna stops mid bite, eyes on nana. nana can only smile, hoping that junna will understand the words she hasn’t learned to say yet.
i don’t know what my heart sings for but it’s a tune i can’t help but hear only for you.
“i’m happy we’re spending another christmas together.”
junna understands her. her hand is smaller than nana’s but she holds it with enough strength that nana knows.
junna knows . not completely but more than anyone else does.
“merry christmas, nana.”
your heart sings the same song as mine does, nana.
25th
you are feeling things he is no longer in touch with.
i hope it’s love. i’m really trying to make it love.
it’s early. too early for junna to be getting up. it’s christmas day and nana is sure that both of them went overboard with the pasta and cake last night - enough that nana was sure junna wouldn't wake up on time. it seems not even a big dinner can keep junna away from her routine.
“nana.” a soft voice, her bed dips slightly. nana groans lowly, a mess of hair the only thing she was sure junna could see of her. something settles where her shoulder is, something that’s shaped like a hand.
ah, junna wants to wake her up.
“nana, it’s 10 already. you should get up.”
oh, it was later than she had anticipated. green eyes peek over the blanket, blinking until she can see junna clearly. she’s smiling, wearing one of nana’s black hoodies. “i don’t wanna,” she murmurs. it’s warm under the blankets, they are on holidays. there is no reason for them to be up when they could simply rest there.
junna rolls her eyes, blushing when she raises a finger to push back her glasses that she’d forgotten to put on. nana grins and she moves fast, opens the blanket and pulls junna in with a strong hand.
“five more minutes,” she says, faking sleepiness as junna calls out her name in surprise. she keeps her eyes closed, arm sneaking around junna’s back to keep her there.
after a couple of moments, junna sighs loudly. small hands rest against nana’s collarbone, head resting above nana’s arm on the pillow. junna is warm in her arms, something she wants to feel every morning.
“junna-chan is warm.” junna giggles, tucked under her chin as nana kisses her forehead. “you’re my personal human sized plushie.”
“nana is a child,” replies junna. her fingers tighten their hold on nana’s shirt. “but a cute child.”
something moves in her heart, something that feels a little too much like an emotion that she cannot feel anywhere but when she wears a character’s name on the stage. she doesn’t answer, closes her eyes and leans her cheek on junna’s hair.
she smells nice. she’s warm.
“if you keep holding me like this-“ junna nuzzles her nose against nana’s neck, “-you might never let me go.”
nana smiles. “by trying to claim an angel such as you, i was attempting to clip your beautiful wings. so eager was i to make you my own that i forgot what was so important.”
junna is silent. nana can feel herself fall asleep, junna’s warmth luring her to a sleep that she rarely gets to feel, one that is peaceful and too much like ho-
“i-” nana blinks awake, confused. “-i have already forgotten the warmth of egypt. i am happy with the warm feeling that you have taught me.”
she freezes. junna remains silent after that, unmoving in her arms. she knows too well of what those words mean, knows well the emotion behind them. it was junna that made her love happy prince, it was junna who kissed her and held her close that made nana realize the warmth of a selfless love between two people.
she wondered that sometimes. would she ever feel that kind of warm love? of two people who learned that their way of loving could not be what they wanted but soon grew to realize that it was what they needed? the swallow had not enjoyed the prince’s secret selflessness until she realized the warmth it gave her, the prince had begged the swallow to be by his side until he realized that even after all was done, she didn't plan on leaving him.
it was junna that taught nana of that warmth. just how could junna say that line as if she wasn’t the one to give nana that warmth?
moments pass in silence and nana closes her eyes. it’s warm, it’s quiet and almost as if they are in their own bubble. her arm is numb underneath the pillow that junna leans her head on but she doesn’t care much, her hand on her back grasping junna’s hoodie tightly.
she’ll try to enjoy this warmth for as long as she can.
“nana.”
nana hums. “what is it?”
“do you like balconies?”
she blinks her eyes open. she knew her junna thought of too many things at once, a sharp mind to think and find a solution for everything. but where exactly did that thought even come from? she was sure they were just exchanging lines of plays they had done together, unless sleep had caught her again and made her miss any of junna's words.
“they are… nice?” nana smiles as she remembers something. “when my family and i lived for a little while in italy, we had this apartment that had one. i… wasn’t that popular with the kids so i’d spend time reading and growing flowers there.”
“what flowers?”
nana tries to remember as she talks to junna. she thinks of the sunflowers and herbs she’d grow, of how her mother would kiss her head as she saw her. how her dad in his silent way of loving her and his guilt of their moving would give her new seeds every time he managed to stay home from work.
junna listens silently, now face to face with nana. she listens and simply smiles at every new thing nana tells her. and when she finishes talking, nana blushes pink.
“ah, i spoke too much, didn’t i? i’m sorry ju-”
“i’m happy to learn more about nana.” junna’s hand moves to grasps nana’s under the sheets. “i’m happy that… unlike last year, i can proudly say i know many things about nana.”
“junna-chan…”
junna smiles, leans closer and closes her eyes. nana does the same. “it’s our third year together, maybe not for you- but i want us to enjoy it. and as long as i finally learn to understand you the same way you understand me, nana, i’ll consider it a good year.”
junna leans up and captures her lips softly.
it’s not as if they haven’t kissed before. there have been more than enough times where they have kissed, sometimes during those sixty one years, sometimes during plays where she’d kissed junna’s lips with no theatrical thumb involved. it’s not as if they would even think to use the thumb when they acted together, the idea almost insulting, just as the thought that she'd kiss junna without all she has.
“more?”
her whisper is barely heard were it not for junna being so close. nana receives no reply, only another kiss, this time longer and she doesn’t let her pull away, hand resting on junna’s cheek.
junna kisses her the same way one who knows you like they know themselves does. if anyone knew her, what she held dear in her heart and what tormented her, it was the girl kissing her like nana was the elixir of life and junna all but a dying woman.
this time, when they break the kiss, there is no pulling back in. it’s simply nana smiling with puffed lips and junna, hair messed up and smirking gently.
it was them. it was perhaps that peace and how natural each thing happened, how the distance between junna and nana ceased to exist that made the space in nana’s chest feel less empty.
26th
sometimes, at night, in bed, before i fall asleep, i think about a poem i might write, someday, about my heart, says the heart.
nana finds herself alone more than once during her third year. she’s on double classes, class b and class a pulling her in opposite directions, something which makes nana enjoy what little time she has alone. she’s different from how she was before, knows well how being alone used to grasp her heart in a cold grip that let her breathless and gasping for air. now she's almost forgotten how that felt, that coldness all but a ghost of the past.
junna had gone out to meet with yachiyo, both of them going out to buy gifts for their friends. nana liked how junna had stopped hesitating to make friends, how she had stepped away from her loneliness. junna used to be lonely in a way nana wasn’t, hers a self created loneliness that now she’d broken out of.
so nana remained alone. she didn’t mind, hummed a song under her breath as she wrote. hisame had asked for help adapting a script for her, koharu and suzu. their friendship was softer than before, one held by long phone calls and tentative hugs, filling nana’s heart with warmth.
hisame wasn’t the same scared girl she was before. nana wasn’t the same girl who preferred to hide the coldness inside her heart with wide smiles and never holding onto someone. they’d grown and so had their friendship.
writing the script had been what she spent her free time on these days, what she’d think as she and junna ate and watched a movie. sometimes it made her feel guilty, of how her excitement to write and imagine ideas would distract her from the world around her, from junna. she couldn’t count the times she was too distracted writing that she forgot to eat what junna made for her.
it made her wonder at times, just how her passion could affect her.
writing had been what she had when she had no one, when the only thing keeping her company in a cold class was her notebook. it had been nana and writing, nana and reading plays as the world changed around her. no matter where she’d move, no matter where she’d be, her passion for the stage, to create a new stage and breathe life into it kept by her side.
it was that passion perhaps, that comfort of knowing that something will never leave you, that gave her this… detachment from everything else. she could spend hours above this notebook, above books and not care until she’d drained her mind’s battery and needed to rest. and junna would still be there, smiling and urging her to fall asleep, never complaining even if nana was sure they hadn’t talked in hours.
she loved the stage, for the stage and writing gave her the chance to have the beautiful friendships she had with everyone. writing scripts gave her the chance to see claudine find herself in amazing leading roles, to see maya and kaoruko smile as they’d practice together, to see futaba try new roles and to see her favorite trio find passion and give their own shine to her roles.
and there was junna, who stuck by her side as she created those scripts, who gave nana tea and read books by her side to keep her company or give her a shoulder to lean on. junna understood nana’s bond with her art, of how all nana had for years was her art and nothing else. it would be fruitless to try and separate nana from writing, so junna simply kept by her side.
sometimes, junna’s easy approval and support made nana itch. she was used to writing, had spent sixty one years controlling the narrative like it was her own story. she knew well of how she could sometimes get too into her scripts, of how she’d forget that junna was a stage girl too, a girl who gave her all for the stage and to reach her own stars. if anyone would understand her, it would be junna.
but it felt weird, to be understood that way. junna never held it against her, would always smile and call nana a tall child when nana would pout at being interrupted. junna understood and simply kept by nana’s side. and nana hated that sometimes, at how junna never hated how nana wouldn’t even care to talk with anyone, at how she’d have a tunnel version to write the script so that it was perfect.
because perfect meant that she’d see her friends shine the brightest, meant that she’d have succeeded in making them smile and enjoy the stage. if her work could give those results then nana would give her all. it didn’t help that she’d done this for years, could do script writing in her sleep if she was asked to. writing was a part of her nana couldn't turn off, so she simply let it exist.
wasn’t junna hurt by that? nana would try her best to be there for junna, to maintain a balance of giving junna her space and being there. yet there were times when she’d forget, when the years of being alone and seeing her friends forget her and remember her and forget her over and over again would have their effect on her.
nana was used to feeling alone, to knowing that one day she’d wake up with junna smiling brightly at her and the next she’d have to be referred to as daiba-san. there were two choices back then: either numb herself enough that it wouldn’t hurt her or simply give up. back then the second wasn’t even a choice, protecting her friends from feeling what she felt the ultimate goal. so nana kept silent, smiled tight and practiced until it became all her face could show.
so now she’d find herself alone and not mind, could spend hours not thinking of anything other than the script until junna would shake her out of it. it made nana feel bad, just how detached she could be from her friends. she cared for junna, even if she couldn’t fully understand how. cared for junna and everyone enough that she kept a loop for sixty one years. that was the only thing that gave comfort to her.
but junna had slowly helped her realize that being so connected with her art wasn’t a bad thing. writing made nana grow as a stage girl and how bad could something that made her shine be?
and yet- and yet !
“nana is working hard, isn’t she?”
junna smiles from the entrance. she’s still wearing her jacket, standing by the door as she looks over at her. nana grins widely and gets up from the couch, rushing by her side. the script lays forgotten, even if her mind still thinks of how she could make some changes to some scenes.
“did you have fun, junna-chan?” nana waits as junna takes off her shoes, unzipping her jacket when she stands up fully. she’s dressed warmly, a black turtleneck underneath her white jacket. nana thinks she’d look better if she wore that leather jacket she wore for a role once. or maybe that was just nana’s need to see junna look like a pretty bad boy character.
“yes, yachiyo-san was quite helpful. both of us found what we were looking for,” says junna. nana notices the bags by the stairs, yelps when junna pinches her arm. “and no peeking- it took time to find everything and i don’t want you to spoil the surprise.”
nana laughs, nods her head and raises her palms in surrender. “of course, junna-chan! i’d never let your hard work go to waste.”
junna seems pleased enough. she steps away to take the bags to their room and nana lets her. she walks away and nana watches her until she disappears on the other floor. she’d missed her now that junna stood before her, so real and warm by nana’s side.
writing could have been her loyal partner for so long, and perhaps even in the future. but maybe, maybe nana could learn to have another loyal partner by her side, one that this time around wouldn’t forget her after a year passed.
she sighs, rubs at her eyes. the room is too warm, she can barely think with the script still on her mind and the heat of the AC doing its job in keeping the dorms warm. ah, maybe she’ll keep these thoughts for another time.
for now, she just smiles when junna comes back, sleeves pulled up to help nana cook. for now, she’ll simply enjoy herself and junna by her side and not think more of it.
27th
i sleep. i dream. i make up things i would never say. i say them quietly.
you could drown in those eyes, i said, so it’s summer, so it’s suicide, so we’re helpless and struggling at the bottom of the pool.
“did you know that if you kill someone with frozen meat and then cook it right after, you basically got rid of the murder weapon and commited the perfect crime?”
nana doesn’t blink, hums as she keeps reading beside junna. the beanbag she’s sitting on is quite comfortable, maybe she could convince junna to buy one for their dorm. “you’ll have to think of an alibi too, junna-chan.”
junna frowns, raises her glasses with her index finger. “i forgot that. thank you, nana.” she goes back to reading like that, nose stuck inside the book she picked up. intro to criminology, an… interesting choice but nana knew well how junna loved to read new things.
they were hanging out somewhere that wasn’t their dorms, finding solace in the warmth of this library. nana would come here when she was in middle school, reading one script after the other between the tall shelves and feeling less lonely than she had felt all day. she’d still be alone, but nana preferred to be alone by her choice in a peaceful place she considered as her safe place, a heaven where she’d forget her broken friendships and loneliness of the day.
and now junna was there.
junna fell in love with the place the moment nana opened the door, eyes widening in amazement as they entered. an old lady stood by the counter right by the door, smiling at nana and talking quietly as junna looked around. the inside was illuminated by gentle yellow lights, giving warmth to the wooden bookshelves and little glass tables.
crystals for luck, she whispered to junna as they stared at the glass. junna looked beautiful underneath the glowing lights of the crystals. ever since i first came here i just rolled with it. i’m pretty sure that granny is immortal too. no reason for crystals to be in the middle of a library unless they are your life source.
they walked around silently, nana with her hands on her pockets and junna letting out gasps of amazement and shock at each new book she’d find. she was happy, kissed nana’s cheek quickly when she found a book she’d searched for some time and could never find.
junna was happy and seeing junna’s smile made nana happy too, made her feel less tense about sharing this space with her. junna fit right between the quiet corners, touching one book after the other and always treating each page with care.
maybe sharing this space with junna wasn’t as scary as she had first thought.
“nana.”
“mm?”
“have you read the little prince?”
nana smiles. “ it is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye .”
“i didn’t know you knew french.” junna snaps the book in her hand shut, rests it on a small table beside them. “and that’s my favorite quote too.”
nana doesn’t tell junna of how repeating the same year sixty one times makes one try anything new just to not go insane. sometimes, it’d be fun to catch claudine off guard and reply in french. sometimes, she’d laugh loudly when she’d spit out some facts about shakespeare that junna had been dying to talk about.
nana knows a lot of things. she also knows that those things aren’t the things she wants to know.
“what made you ask?”
junna leans her head back, hair falling around her. nana thinks she looks prettier with her hair down. “i saw a hardcover version when we were looking around. i’ve always loved that book. i’m sure i must have the original version with me at the dorms.”
“junna-chan must have really loved the prince’s curiosity to discover more and grow, didn’t you?”
“nana reminds me of the prince.” nana stares in surprise. “innocent and always grasping for the stars. but you’re okay with just seeing and leaving them shine by themselves.”
“would that make junna-chan the birds?”
“because i help you leave your comfort?”
nana smiles. junna truly walked into that one herself. “because you make me see the stars.”
a book is thrown at her chest. nana laughs as quietly as she can and feels her heart warm at how junna looks away, red on the face. it’s not common for junna to treat books this way, but the warmth junna looks at her with makes the pain of being hit by a book more than bearable.
she likes this comfort with junna. this little space filled with the ghosts of her past loneliness seems to shine from junna’s smile. even the granny isn’t coming to tell them off for making noise, only smiles at nana as a proud parent would.
they keep reading. at a point nana pulls their bean bags closer, head falling on junna’s shoulder. she can feel her eyes flutter closed and open, lured to calmness when junna holds her hand with one of hers. it’s warm, just as junna is. nana feels like crying. junna reads a fairytale now, of princesses and dragons and all nana can feel is her warmth, all she can hear is junna’s voice that feels a lot like lo-
“don’t fall asleep on me, nana.” nana hums, nuzzles her nose against junna’s jaw. “we still have a curfew to respect, even if it’s just the two of us.”
“i can’t fall asleep this way, every moment matters with junna-chan.” nana breathes out, thinks of her next words. “this reminds me of home.” junna remains silent at her words, closes the book gently. nana really likes that about junna, how she always makes sure to pay attention to each word nana says. perhaps that’s why she can speak easier, can close her eyes and let the comfort this library and junna give her calm her soul.
“my favorite home used to be this little apartment we lived in kyoto. my parents rarely were home early but my mom always made sure they would eat dinner with me.” she can almost picture it now, warm food made with the love and guilt of a parent who couldn’t be more present. nana never held it against them. “it even had a little balcony. but what i loved was how close to everything it was and yet-”
nana gulps. she had time without thinking about it. “it was always very warm. it was cozy. the kitchen used to overlook the living room, and it was close to the bedroom too. every morning mom would wake me up and teach me how to cook breakfast.”
“your mom seems nice,” comments junna. her fingers draw patterns on nana’s palm. “is that why you love to cook?”
“junna-chan is right. she gave me my love for cooking. and when my dad was free he’d cook with us too… those are some of my fondest memories.”
junna taps her fingers one by one. nana raises each finger to match the tapping. “do… do you imagine your future home that way?”
nana thinks. she can easily imagine it. a small apartment, light shining from the open windows. a fridge filled with enough food to accommodate her friends’ appetite when they’d visit, a bedroom and living room big enough to fit all of their futons and laughs.
and she thinks of other details, things her brain can only think under the shadows of this library. she thinks of little herbs she grows herself, of a warmth beside her when she wakes up and who steals some tea leaves from nana’s little garden to make tea for the both of them. she can almost taste the good yet messy breakfast, green eyes glowing under nana’s praise.
her dream home is warm, and less because of the memories she wants to form with her friends.
her dream home is warm and so are junna’s lips when junna leans up to kiss her. their legs have tangled together on the floor, hands curling against each other’s. this too, is a memory she feels for the first time, painting over nana’s painful loneliness that these walls have seen.
“i’m at home now, junna-chan.”
junna smiles and nana? nana can only feel her heart beat as if it was ready to burst out of her chest. she manages to keep it there, behind thick skin and firm muscle, where it belonged yet not where it wanted to be, a prisoner held in its own home.
they leave soon after. the granny bids them goodbye and junna is the first to exit. nana stays after for a moment, eyes staring at that certain book resting close to where they sat before.
junna doesn’t ask why she’s holding a bag when she goes out. nana smiles and grasps her hand, fingers lacing like two puzzle pieces.
everything was okay. junna was by her side and their friends were happy. nana would feel selfish to ask for more, to ask for a single thing to change.
she’s happy, nana realizes as junna tightens the hold on her hand. for the first time in so many years, all she can feel is happiness.
28th
tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us. these, our bodies, possessed by light.
i do believe his mouth is heaven, his kisses falling over me like stars.
the waves are loud in the silence of the night, the moonlight reflecting on the water like diamonds that fell from the sky to grace the sea. nana’s laugh breaks the silence, smile wide, sand kicking up from her running. junna follows her, wearing her- nana’s blue sweater that rested too big on her shoulders.
“come on, join me!” she says, grabbing junna’s hand to pull her on the sea.
junna laughs softly, kicks the water and she’s warm against nana, both of them hugging, the sea washing their feet and waves reaching their knees as it hits their legs.
“it’s so peaceful here,” murmurs nana, her voice muffled against junna’s shoulder. junna hums and nana only closes her eyes, swaying slowly on the water as her arms wrapped loosely around junna’s waist.
there is a magic that she only experiences with junna by her side. she lets herself enjoy the warmth of being so close with a girl that gave her hope for the future, that finally made nana see the brilliance that she had forgotten to see.
junna drags both of them to the sand to sit down, side by side and exchanging smiles when they hear the radio nana brought on futaba’s bike. she’d forgotten to ask when junna learned how to ride it. she didn’t care if it meant she’d feel this atmosphere again.
“the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”
nana smiles at junna.
“truly! i’d forgotten how it shone away from the city,” replies nana, flopping on her back.
junna looks down, her hand resting beside nana’s head. silence falls upon them, one heavier than usual, the atmosphere far from their usual familiar one. nana does nothing but stare back, eyes half closed and freezing when junna leans down, resting on her elbow and using her fingers to place a stray hair lock behind nana’s ear.
“nana,” murmurs junna, soft and low.
it’s sin itself, it’s the forbidden apple that nana has caught herself wanting to taste more than once each time she’d be this close to junna. there is something about junna’s warmth, junna’s dark green orbs that feels like a secret she must keep in her heart more than she kept the loops. how can something done under the sky between two people feel as forbidden as breaking time itself?
junna is close, close as she was that day when they performed happy prince- and it’s only her that nana can see, only her that she can breathe.
it’s junna and nothing else. junna and her warm breath and how she doesn’t lean closer than nana lets her.
“what are you doing?” she asks, not pulling away and simply looking into her eyes. she searches for an answer, for anything that can tell her why junna feels so different now- different from the friend she’s had during all these years that only she keeps in her heart.
junna only blinks slowly. “i don’t know. but- can we do that together too?”
nana nods. junna pulling her close is almost instinct at that point, soft lips smiling against her, pulling back after a second or two- or was it three? she doesn’t mind time, focuses on junna’s lips more than what happened around them.
it was late, they were alone and nana couldn’t get enough of this feeling that only junna let her feel.
yet, as junna flopped on her back, both of them silent and holding hands, something held nana’s mind. junna pointed at a star and nana could only hold her heart so it didn’t jump on that open hand.
how could she be something that she didn’t know how to be? how could she be gentle, be open and let herself be loved if she’d never known how to do it in a way worthy of it?
how could she actually try realize what she felt for junna and risk lose her?
she smiles. her smile is gentle and junna hums as nana’s eyes fall closed. it’s quiet. the radio is only but a background noise. junna’s heart beats under nana’s ear. it’s quiet and all nana hears is a song that she has yet to learn the lyrics to.
she remembers it then, that little package that rests in her bag. “junna-chan, can i give you something?”
junna nods her head, sitting up just as nana does. the radio plays a tune that idly reminds nana of an old italian love song. she finds the small package easily, taking it out and smiling pleased when she sees the wrapping wasn’t ruined.
“here it is! i really hope you like it.” junna has a curious smile when she takes it. fast hands unwrap it and something akin to pride grows in nana’s chest when junna gasps in shock and happiness.
“the little prince... and a hardcover- nana, you didn’t have to!”
nana simply smiles. she doesn’t say how this was nothing, how she’d pluck all the stars from the sky if it meant that junna would choose one as hers. junna reminded her of how the brightness of what she loved felt like, there was not enough time and things to do for nana to show how grateful she was.
junna saved her. nana could do nothing but hope that what she gave junna, even if it never would amount to being enough for junna, would amount to something that would make her shine as brightly as she was now.
“you - you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...in one of the stars i shall be living. in one of them i shall be laughing. and so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...you- only you- will have stars that can laugh!”
nana holds junna’s hand, the one that holds the book. it’s warm, fits perfectly under nana’s. “this book is just a physical proof. junna-chan shines very brightly, and she can reach any star she wants. but-”
junna’s eyes are shining. nana can’t look away.
“there will always be a star that laughs for you and you alone.”
no one speaks after that. the waves crash onto the shore and so do junna’s lips against nana’s. the radio plays another tune and the book lays forgotten on the sand.
nana could get used to this, to what they had, something unspoken yet as bright as any stars. she was wrong to look into the past to keep the light in her grasp.
junna- her junna, would always shine brightly before her eyes. she wouldn’t lose her, wouldn’t lose this unchangeable peace.
nana wouldn’t.
29th
sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell and how i ruined everything by saying it out loud.
if you love me, you don’t love me in a way i understand.
they wake up together, cook together and spend time together. nana could summarize her and junna’s time during those days in that simple sentence. she loves it, even if she misses their loud bunch of friends. yet, there is something special in waking up to junna making both of them tea and a breakfast she tried her best to make look as good as it tasted.
it felt nice to be alone with junna, but speaking with karen made her the other rooms felt emptier than they truly were.
“and- and mahiru-chan showed me and hikari-chan how to work on the field! her granny is so nice, banana!”
“i’m happy to hear that, karen-chan!” nana laughs, sipping her tea as junna continues the conversation. then hikari and mahiru join on the screen and the five of them are sharing stories of their days. it’s as if they never left, karen’s excitement at sharing how the three of them got together rubbing off on nana.
maybe she could write a script based on that. would mahiru and hikari agree to play in it-
“we’re just like you two now!”
“ah?” junna’s eyes widen, nana tries to refocus on the conversation again.
karen laughs loudly, kissing both of her girlfriends’ cheeks. “we might be a new couple, but we’ll grab those romantic roles out of you two! just you watch!”
nana laughs, a nervous laugh. she knows well what karen was stating. friendly rivalry aside, nana saw the fact as clear as the sky.
you and junna are a couple too.
but they weren’t. they were… they were nana and junna. she could already feel a headache forming, knowing well how what they did might as well be considered something that couples did. but junna didn’t like her like that, nor did nana.
junna was her closest friend, was her partner and her savior. junna didn’t have to deal with nana’s mess of emotions. her friends could keep thinking what they wanted to. she didn’t need to change what they had if they were both happy in their little space.
they close the call soon after, both of them nursing their tea slowly. nana keeps reading her script, humming as she writes some notes by its side. and junna was-
“junna-chan?”
junna blinks, staring up at nana. nana frowns, knowing well what junna’s face means. furrowed brows, blank stare and her hand gripping the mug hard enough that it was turning white. nana tries remembering what happened, but she can think of nothing she did wrong or said wrong. they were talking with karen and then they said goodbye and-
“what is it, nana?”
she freezes. something grips her heart, something almost too similar to that fear she felt as she stood before karen on that revue. something is changing, something is about to change and nana feels as if she can’t control that change. junna’s cold reply was proof of that.
“i-” nana sets down her cup. “what’s wrong, junna-chan?”
junna doesn’t talk. she seems to be thinking her next words, mulling over them. “karen seemed to be having fun with mahiru and hikari.”
nana nods slowly. something is wrong. junna isn’t making simple conversation, something is slowly boiling and nana has yet to realize what that is. but she keeps a calm approach, smiles happily as she stares at the pictures on her phone.
“bananice, don’t you think? and they finally realized what they felt for each other!”
“unlike us,” mutters junna. nana manages to open her mouth before junna interrupts her. “she said something interesting as we were talking.”
“karen-chan says a lot of interesting things,” replies nana. she knows she’s stalling, but judging by junna’s grip on her mug, nana is truly dancing on a thin line of what she must say and what would be the worst possible answer. “what did junna-chan specifically mean?”
junna sighs, pinches her nose. nana can feel something creeping inside her heart, something similar to fear.
“don’t play dense with me, nana. we both heard what karen said.” junna sets her own cup down too. this feels like a battlefield and all nana has to protect herself is nothing. “and you just… brushed it off. so answer me this- what are we?”
friends, nana wants to answer. stage girls who share the same love for the stage. two girls who were lonely in their own ways and found each other to erase that feeling. two girls who care for each other in ways that others can’t. junna and nana.
“we are… us.” nana taps at the counter. “what answer does junna-chan want to hear?”
a laugh resonates around the empty dorm kitchen. nana looks at junna, a shudder passing through her. this wasn’t right, junna laughing as if she was in pain wasn’t right. she’d had enough time during the loops to learn how to treat junna, how to talk and navigate every emotion of hers. nana knew how to talk to junna and yet-
“ha, to be expected.”
she gets up. nana sits there, staring at an empty cup and junna’s empty seat. it’s cold now, even if nothing has changed. she hears a door slammed open, her own seat is left empty as she gets up without thinking. the door to their room is open, nana wastes no time and goes inside.
junna is silent, throwing things inside her bag in an anger nana has only felt once. but this time it’s a cold type of anger, the one that has nana wondering just how badly did she fuck up with her answer.
“junna-chan?”
no reply. some clothes are pushed deeper. others are thrown in.
“junna-chan?”
a pair of glasses are put inside their case.
“ junna!”
“what?!”
nana stands there, blinking. junna is angry, looks down in shame after she yells. their room is silent, nothing makes a sound. everything could be heard now, nana’s heart breaking, junna’s resolve breaking.
something was changing, something was about to change, and nana couldn’t control it-
“why… what did i do wrong? what are you doing?”
junna sighs. “i- i’m sorry for yelling. i just… i just need to leave for a bit.”
“but where?” nana steps closer, stops when junna steps away. “i’m sorry if i did anything to hurt junna-chan…”
silence. they keep standing there, so close yet never further away. junna zips up the bag, puts on the coat by her chair. nana whispers her name again, hand stretched out to grasp-
“you do nothing!” junna sounds tired, back to nana. “that’s the thing- you just- you behave the way you do and i just have to overthink everything and lose my mind-”
“how do i behave-”
“the way you do!” junna spins around, gripping the little prince hardcover in her hand. they are standing before each other now. nana hates how she can’t thaw the ice in junna’s eyes, can’t erase the pain in them. she’s the cause of it, she’s the cause of it-
“i don’t know what you feel for me but- but it isn’t love. karen was wrong when she said what she had was similar to ours. we have nothing similar to that.”
nana freezes. the world around her feels cold, so, so cold and frozen. everything felt like it was dead and the only thing left was junna. junna who nana believed saw her, junna who finally proved her own words right.
i know nothing about you, nana!
she didn’t. if junna could stand before her and say that-
“then what is it that we have?”
her voice is quiet, cold. nana can barely make it out as hers. junna blinks. “huh?”
a step closer. another step closer. nana looks down, her eyes meet junna’s. she can see her reflection in them, how emotionless her face is. nana is tired, she realizes, tired of holding back, tired of never feeling her emotions because everything would be ruined if she did, because if she truly felt things then-
then junna would do this. nana couldn’t control junna not leaving her and snapping if she told her what she felt every time she felt it.
“junna-chan couldn’t handle her parents’ pressure so she left them.” junna’s eyes widen. nana knows she can’t take back her words yet she can’t stop talking. “junna-chan couldn’t handle feeling weak if she was cared for so she cut off her friends. what does it mean now that you're leaving me?”
junna doesn’t speak. nana wants to stop, doesn’t want to see the pain that her untold truth is giving junna.
“i care for you and all you do is push me away. i worry for your fear of swimming and you brush me off saying i’m not respecting you. i worry that telling you my feelings will simply rile you up and change what we have- and you prove me right.”
she can’t love junna. it’s there, with the first snowflake falling on their open window that nana realizes that. she couldn’t love hisame, couldn’t make her stay as she kept hiding the pain seeing hisame leave everyday gave her. she can’t love junna now, can’t love junna if all junna does with her love is spit at it.
if trying to love junna in silence couldn’t work, and trying to love junna loudly couldn’t, wasn’t that enough to prove she couldn’t love junna in any way that mattered?
“you can go, junna. if i can’t give you what you want- then you can leave as you were planning to.”
nobody speaks. a cold wind brushes the curtain, makes nana look outside, away from junna as she steps away. the path to the door is clear, nana can’t bear to look at junna step away from her.
“so this is it?” junna sounds broken too. she can’t hide the pain like nana does. “this is it?”
nana doesn’t reply. she does gasp when junna walks away and something is thrown at her chest, something that falls open on the ground. her chest hurts and not only because of the impact.
a drawing of a little prince on a lone planet looks back to her on the floor.
“you don’t even care enough to try and keep me here and explain yourself?”
nana smiles. that’s all she can do, smile at the pain, smile at how she expected this to happen. she had imagined scenarios where this would happen, had imagined it thousand of times during those sixty one years. she’s had more than enough years to mull it over.
none of them felt as hollow as this.
pain hurt more when you imagined it. but now, junna holding a bag by the door and nana staring at the floor, it just felt… like nothing. she couldn’t feel anything.
“by trying to claim an angel such as you, i was attempting to clip your beautiful wings. so eager was i to make you my own that i forgot what was so important.”
nana looks up. she keeps smiling. she isn’t sure that she can do anything but smile. this moment, just as back then when she stood on her eternal stage, feels devoid of emotion yet too bright for her to truly look at it.
so nana smiles, smiles and can’t even let herself truly believe what happens. she feels too much like an audience to her own stage of pain.
“you can go, junna. it’s okay.”
it’s not okay. it will never be okay.
junna looks at her one last time and leaves.
nana grabs the book gently, caresses the page as she sets it by their table. snow is slowly flying inside their room, slowly covering nana’s heart and what truly remained of it with its coldness. the first tear falls and she can do nothing to stop the second. so she cries, cries as she looks to the grey sky outside and cries as she looks at the book in her hand.
it was over. she couldn’t control the change this time.
unknown to her, someone falls to the ground behind the door, holding a hand on their mouth to stop their sobs from escaping. but nana doesn’t know, nana knows nothing besides how loud her heart shattering sounds in the silence of the room.
30th
you just wanted to prove there was one safe place, just one safe place where you could love him. you have not found that place yet. you have not made that place yet. you are here. you are here. you're still right here.
“it’s surprising to see you here.”
cool blue eyes meet hers. “i’m where i’m supposed to be. i can’t say the same for you.”
a chair is pulled. someone sits down.
“you know.” an admission of truth. someone yells outside, someone flips a book open inside. life continues even if they don’t speak. “then why did you ask to meet me here if you know?”
blue meet green. “to see if the cause of her tears was also feeling the same pain.”
“i have no reason to tell you what i’m feeling.”
“yet you’re here. you wouldn’t be here with me if you didn’t want to tell me.”
??
i went to the riverbed to wait for you to show up. you didn’t show up. i kept waiting.
a bed unmade. a bed still messy.
nana cleans around the room. she has to make sure the room is tidy, has to make sure that she lets air inside. she’s alone but routine doesn’t leave her out of its grasp.
her body stops moving when the clock hits eight. her body waits for the door to open, waits to throw a fresh towel at a sweaty girl who just finished her morning run. her body waits.
it should be time by now. nana fills a glass of water, leaves it beside a cleaned pair of glasses. nana waits in silence, hums to pass the time.
no one comes. the door doesn’t open. nana smiles and keeps staring at the unopened door.
30th
history repeats itself. someone says this.
“sometimes, we try to avoid what truly matters by keeping things unsaid. we keep living and in the end, when we are faced with the problem we run away.”
“i didn’t run away.”
“you being here proves your words wrong. and during the first snow too. brings back memories, doesn’t it?”
a mug is placed on the table with more force than needed. “don’t compare me with your mistakes. i wasn’t afraid of-”
“of admitting your feelings? of trying to understand what they truly are? admitting your fears will only let you grow- i had to learn that lesson too late.”
??
someone has to leave first. this is a very old story. there is no other version of this story.
nana never truly realized just how blank the walls of their shared living room were. no paintings, no posters, no nothing. it was so… empty. it felt weird to think of this space filled with laughs, filled with loud voices and warm food.
she stands in the middle of this space. such a big space. such an empty space. she used to take pictures of this space, tried to remember it during all the years she had repeated. now it feels like a new space, a new space which felt emptier than her heart.
had it always been this way? she could try to turn the tv on, maybe open the windows to let noise from outside come in. but nothing could really help erase the sound of footsteps that leave nana.
nana smiles, grips the book in her hand tighter.
it was just her now. just her and the silence of the room.
30th
i envy it but that’s the deal—you’re a train and i’m a trainstation and when i try to guess your trajectory i end up telling my own story.
“you don’t know anything about nana and-”
“i know more than you think.” a short laugh fills the silence. outside it snows. inside it’s just as cold. “i know that you feel like nana-san’s love is something you can’t understand. something that you can’t stomach.”
“you-”
“and i know that we are more similar than we think.” a phone is placed on the table. green eyes widen when they see the picture, two girls smiling and holding a book between them. “so will you get off your high horse and listen to me?”
? ?
i clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary. i’d rather quit. i’d rather be sad. it’s too much work.
banana muffins rest on the table.
they are warm. they smell nice.
nana takes a bite. they taste nice too. she can almost taste her teras, can almost taste the desperation to not confront her loneliness.
nana takes another bite. it tastes nice again.
“it is the time you have spent for your rose that makes your rose so important,” she says, her voice echoing around the empty kitchen. “these muffins taste nice because i spent time for them.”
she swallows. her eyes glaze over. outside, the sun is slowly disappearing.
“did i not let junna-chan spend enough time with me then?”
30th
imagine a story, not of good against evil, but of need against need against need, where everyone is at cross-purposes and everyone is to blame.
“what was i supposed to do?”
“learn how to love her in a way she understands.”
fingers tap on the table. “i did. i tried my best. i waited and never asked and i…. i just couldn’t handle the untold things anymore.”
“but does nana-san know that?” a head snaps towards the voice. “did you ever try and think that maybe you should have tried understanding her love too?”
“that makes no sense.”
“nana-san loves by caring for you. caring for you when you leave her alone and caring for you even when you two are fighting against each other. she loves by caring, even if it hurts her to keep that care a secret.”
the tapping stops. a girl smirks, knows she hit the right spot with her words.
??
it reminds me of some tale, stay with me to remember, it reminds of where i was going without you.
her blue sweater is warm as she wears it. nana dresses slowly, takes her time to get ready to go outside. being alone inside is suffocating, so unlike the times she’d enjoy the walls of her bedroom. now it was a prison and she wouldn’t stay there if she could escape.
outside it’s cold. nana smiles in childish wonder at the snow. it’s beautiful, has fallen upon everything and nana loves to imagine the kind of stage they could do during this weather. maybe a christmas tale, or perhaps-
something warm trails down her cheeks. she laughs, laughs for no reason even as her tears keep rolling down. they are warm and the more she wipes them away the more they roll down again.
the snow truly kept taking from her, a selfish weather to the core. first hisame, and then-
she couldn’t admit it. she couldn’t say it. she just stands there in the snow and cries and laughs and lets the cold seep into her bones.
she cries until she stops. then nana walks away.
30th
you could love this boy with all your heart.
“she never told me what she felt.”
“does she seem like the type to?” a sip is taken, the mug held on gentle hands. “and from what i’ve heard, you’re not the person to be direct with your feelings, either.”
“that’s- what happened, happened. i… i don’t know what to do now.”
silence befalls them again. then, a chuckle. “you do know, don’t you? you’re just afraid.”
no reply comes. the girl only continues. “i lost nana-san once because i was afraid. thankfully, her heart is big and she forgives as easily as one breathes. i… i don’t want you to make the same mistake.”
green eyes focus at the tea. it’s hwangcha, reminds her too much of what her heart yearns for at the moment. blue eyes look outside, widen when they see a familiar figure.
“i hope that what nana-san said about you was right. i hope that after our talk you prove her right.”
“what did she say?”
hisame smiles. outside, snow falls upon banana shaped pigtails. it was then or never.
“you mustn’t forget it,” she starts. she knows her reference is caught easily. “you become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. you’re responsible for your rose.”
hisame’s sharp blue eyes meet green. “i hope that the same way nana-san has learned to see you with her heart, you learn to do the same.”
junna can do nothing but stare. she doesn’t speak, is sure her ability to speak has left her even as hisame bids her goodbye and leaves. she gets up too, numb and cold and stands outside in the cold.
she closes her eyes. when she opens them again, green orbs are staring back at her from the other side of the street.
30th
you have never experienced anything this ferocious or intentional with another person.
rely on one thing too long and when it disappears and you have nothing- well, that’s just bad planning. it’s embarrassing, to think it could never happen. it happens.
her steps take her somewhere her brain doesn’t know of. nana doesn’t think. she simply walks and walks and feels the snow fall and dry as it reaches her body.
it was beautiful. a shame she couldn’t fully enjoy it. she doesn’t know why she stops before the library. she doesn’t know why she stares at the entrance until-
junna stands before the entrance. she’s wearing the jacket nana couldn’t find in her wardrobe, the one that nana gave to her when she realized how much junna loved it. she’s sure junna didn’t take it by choice, but she hopes that perhaps a part of her, deep down, did.
she’s beautiful. nana feels her heart hurt. she misses junna. it’s barely been a day and as she looks at her she just-
nana misses junna. it’s as simple as that.
the book feels cold in her hand, colder than the air around her. junna doesn’t move, nana doesn’t move. they only stare, two lonely girls remembering the warmth they shared on cold days like this.
she takes a step back. junna doesn’t move. nana takes another step back, and another, and another until she’s leaving to where she came from, junna’s gaze burning on her back.
coward.
nana takes another step, feels her eyes burn.
you can’t even fight for me, can you, nana?
junna doesn’t chase after her, doesn’t call out her name. with each step that nana takes she feels her heart hurt, feels it punch her chest, desperate to escape from nana’s grasp. she couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle this new junna, this new change.
such a coward. you could fight for useless time loops yet not for me. do i really matter that little to you?
nana leaves. nana leaves and falls yet unto another loop, this one self inflicted, this one something that junna couldn’t save her from. she wallows in her pain and hugs the hardcover book against her chest until it hurts.
it’s cold. the snow covers her steps and her sins and nana is thankful for it as she cries silently.
31st
together we trace out a trail away from doom. there isn't hope, there is a trail. i follow you.
i passed through the narrow gate, stumbled in, stumbled around for a while, and stumbled back out.
there is a certain cold that she only feels today.
it’s cold, cold enough that nana brought out her sweater to wear even inside. cold enough and cloudy enough that nana knows it'll probably snow all night too. maybe she could make some warm chocolates for herself later. she's sure she won't get poisoned from using the milk that expired two days ago.
the couch is empty by her side. she stares at her reflection on the blank screen of the tv. it’s quiet, more quiet than she is used to. but it’s alright, she can handle this. nana has endured a never ending loop- spending new years alone might as well be a piece of cake.
it was 11 pm after all. most of the day was already gone.
her friends write in their group chat. junna hasn’t written a single message, even if nana knows she has seen the messages. nana can only bite her cold and hard banana muffins, the first time she has the chance to eat one a day later.
the doorbell rings. she freezes.
could it be-
nana walks to the door in a trance, opens it and-
“hi,” she breathes out.
junna stands before her, eyes wide and mouth open. white clouds of air escape from her lips, fog her glasses and nana finds herself speechless. judging by how both of them stand there without speaking, junna is having the same problem.
“hi-” junna coughs. “hello. can i… can you come with me somewhere? unless you have other things to do-”
nana slams the door closed. she doesn’t know why she chuckles when she hears junna’s loud gasp. she runs to the couch and grabs her black coat, throws it on. she checks for everything, feels her heart race even as she does nothing but stand in silence.
junna always had that effect on her. when she opens the door, junna’s face shows surprise. “did you really think i’d slam the door on your face?” nana turns her back to lock the door, lets a smile escape her lips as she heard junna’s mumbling.
“maybe…” junna nods when nana turns, a small and gentle smile on her lips that has nana’s heart hurting. “but i’m happy you agreed to come with me.”
nana doesn’t let herself say she’d follow her junna anywhere. their bond could have been broken but there was a loyalty in her heart that would never die nor betray junna.
“lead the way,” she says, swallowing the smile in her lips as junna starts walking.
it’s quiet as they walk, the snow crunching under their feet. junna doesn’t speak a word and nana is too afraid to break the silence. it’s as different as it is similar with all the times they have gone out together, silence falling upon them and yet-
this silence isn’t comfortable. this silence cuts like a knife. this silence lets nana notice the distance between their bodies, how junna keeps both of her hands in her pockets and looks to the ground. they haven’t been this far apart from each other even when they didn’t even know who the other was.
nana feels cold and this time, unlike that day, it isn't because of the cold. this time, she has junna by her side and she's so, so cold.
junna is s o far away . nana misses her.
the first tear escapes without her choice. the second too, and the third and nana just lets herself cry as they walk. junna doesn’t talk to her, nor does she stop to ask what’s wrong. junna simply keeps existing by her side and nana just-
she stops. she can’t do this anymore.
junna keeps walking until she stops. and she turns around. and she has never looked that beautiful, the lights of the road illuminating her soft corners and her concerned gaze.
“nana…?”
nana doesn’t hear her. she can only see junna, can see those green eyes she has seen for sixty one years and that face that she knows with her heart. she doesn’t need to hear junna to know she called her name, doesn’t even need to see junna to know what she felt.
she missed junna.
sometimes, junna’s warmth felt too much like stolen bread. it has been sixty one years, sixty of which junna doesn’t remember, and nana has yet to stop feeling like she’s on a time limit against fate. she has yet to stop feeling as if junna will disappear from her gaze.
but not anymore.
sometimes, junna will tell her that she can’t understand nana. sometimes, she will let junna kiss her and steal her breath away and she won’t say a word. sometimes, nana will feel something grow inside her until it was big enough that she could ignore it, could stop it before it made her look away from junna.
in this timeline, junna will leave her.
in this timeline, too, junna will come back for her.
nana is tired of letting the past hold her back. nana is tired of feeling like junna is nothing more than a friend she has to protect because she lo-
because she loves her.
because she has seen junna at her best and she has seen junna at her worst and she hasn’t stopped loving her. she has seen junna laughing and she’s been there when everything was a nook in junna’s neck and she has loved her then, too.
“junna-chan.”
nana is crying now, yet she smiles. all she can do now is smile a wide smile as she cries, finally, finally meeting junna’s eyes. it felt too much like finally breathing fresh air after nearly drowning.
“i think i’m in love with you.” she laughs, a broken laugh as she wipes her tears away. junna doesn’t step any closer. “i think i’ve always been.”
junna doesn’t answer. junna only stares and looks at her with something that nana is too scared to try and identify. she’s always been so scared, so scared of seeing the unknown truth in the face. nana is such a scared girl and she’s afraid that this will be the last stone that would break them.
junna turns around and keeps walking.
nana can do nothing but follow.
31st // 11:53
this is a story of loops, at least one. i stepped off the loop. i spent time listening, testing realms. i snapped a twig in my head and struck out.
you know what it's like to be alone: gimlets and vermicide. you know what it's like to be alive, so forgiveness.
junna leads them to a quiet building. it’s beautiful outside, with a facade of orange bricks and with well maintained hallways as they go inside. the walls are a beige that don’t hurt her eyes, the lights almost remind nana of the library.
they walk. junna leads them to the last floor, silent and with shaking hands as she pulls the keys out. it’s an apartment, one nana doesn’t recognize. the number 1525 stares back at her as junna opens the door.
junna goes first. nana only follows.
it’s empty. she doesn’t know what she was expecting. inside it’s warm, even if no one seems to have been there for days. nana looks around. they stand in the living room now, surrounded by two glass walls that overlook the town. they’re far away from the city center, even if nana can see the silhouette of tokyo tower.
“there are two bedrooms.”
nana looks at junna. it’s the first time she spoke ever since they met at the dorms.
“huh?”
junna doesn’t look at nana, steps close to the wall and slides the glass panel open. nana notices the small balcony, a small table with two chairs resting. it’s not a big space, but it’s cozy. it’s… perfect.
it’s warm.
“the balcony is big enough to hold some flowers. i uh- it might be a tight fit but i’m sure we can figure something out.”
i… wasn’t that popular with the kids so i’d spend time reading and growing flowers there.
junna steps away, leaves the balcony door open. she looks towards the kitchen, where it’s only separated from the living room by the counter. “the kitchen is modern. it’s gonna need to be painted but that’s manageable. the fridge is big too, so it’ll be good.”
the kitchen used to overlook the living room, and it was close with the bedroom too.
a finger points to the space behind the kitchen. nana desperately wants junna to look at her, wants to see something other than junna’s back and her shaking hand. but junna won’t look at her. not yet.
“one of the bedrooms has a double bed. the other is… empty. it can be anything, a guest room, a room to hold stuff, a studio. it’s… a space ready to be made how we want it.”
“junna-chan…?”
she can’t think of it. her heart is beating out of her chest and all she does is stand there like a piece of wood. junna doesn’t move either. nana can’t even try and think of what junna means with we.
outside, the countdown has started.
“i’m sorry.” junna turns then.
she looks… open, defenses gone and nana has never been more in love with her.
“i’m sorry i couldn’t understand your way of caring. i’m sorry i let my insecurities keep us apart these days. i’m sorry i snapped and didn’t just… discuss it with you.”
junna steps closer. her phone vibrates.
nana stares at it. the countdown is close.
31st // 11:55
you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for.
“i don’t think i can be who junna-chan wants me to be.”
junna shakes her head. she steps closer. nana feels her heart in her chest, feels it in each heartbeat and in each time it beats against her chest. it has never felt so alive, it has never felt this close to jumping in junna’s hand.
“you already are, nana.”
“but-”
“we needed things to change. i’m sorry that i had to make you afraid of change this time, too.”
nana feels the tears come again. this time, she doesn’t try and stop them.
31st // 11:57
is that too much to expect? that i would name the stars for you? that i would take you there? the splash of my tongue melting you like a sugar cube?
junna pulls something from the inside of her coat. nana gasps, eyes widening. it’s an old book, tattered by time yet she can tell it’s loved in the way only books read too many times are. the brown cover with the drawing of a lone boy on a little planet stares back at her as junna holds it between them.
“open it, please.”
nana does as ordered. the little prince stares at her and she freezes when she sees the drawing on the first page. she knows it should have been a blank space, but now it’s not, something drawn in it.
a small planet which is a well drawn circle. in it, two little frogs sit on top, one green and the other purple. nana doesn’t need to think hard to know who they symbolize. her thumb caresses the drawing gently, until she looks down to the words under it.
please let’s make this apartment our planet and stage just as the little prince did with his rose.
31st // 11:59
i made this place for you. a place for you to love me. if this isn’t a kingdom then i don’t know what is.
“i love you.” nana snaps her eyes to junna. she’s smiling, sincere and gentle. “and i want to continue our life after seisho with you, if you’d want that.”
nana looks at her watch. it’s close.
nana looks at junna. she can finally let herself see the truth behind her eyes.
the hand that holds the book falls by her side.
nana steps closer.
1st // 00:00
we were in the gold room where everyone finally gets what they want, so i said what do you want, sweetheart? and you said kiss me.
junna gasps against her lips. nana holds her cheek with one hand, kisses her and this time, this time she smiles against the kiss. fireworks start outside but there is something better that explodes here, between their lips and in the air they breathe.
nana kisses junna and for the first time it feels right. junna grips the lapels of her coat, a futile attempt to hold nana close, to not let her go. nana only leans closer, swallows junna’s gasp with her mouth. it was foolish of junna to think nana would pull away from her.
nana could get used to this. could get used to junna’s laugh against her lips, to how she barely lets nana breathe before she leans up again to capture her lips.
junna- her junna, would always shine brightly before her eyes. nana was stupid to think she would lose her, would lose this precious thing they have.
nana wouldn’t. and this time, unlike others, junna would be by her side to make sure of that.
“i love you.” nana laughs, leans her forehead against junna’s. junna looks up to her, smiling just the same.
“i’m so dumb for not saying this before.” nana pecks her lips again, smiles even more when junna giggles. “i love you, junna-chan. i love you, i love you.”
“are you going to say it every second we talk?”
“yup!” nana leans back, meets junna’s shining eyes. there is love on them, so pure and so real that nana wants to hit herself for being afraid to see it. this love is warm, so so warm and so much like a part of nana rather than than just something that junna felt. “i’m going to say it everytime i can. junna-chan, i love you!”
“nana!” junna blushes harder, shakes her by the lapels of her jacket. “god, how many times will you-”
“i love you!” nana repeats. it’s like she can’t say anything else. “i love you! i lo-”
junna kisses her again. nana smiles and mumbles it against her lips until junna flicks her forehead.
she could get used to this. nana could learn to love this.
outside, it snows and people celebrate.
in the warmth of a house- no, of their home filled with love, nana learns to love again.