Work Text:
“A dancer dies twice—once when they stop dancing, and this first death is more painful.”
The first time Jongin came to the Field of Mirrors was the day he experienced his first death.
To say dance is his life is an understatement. For Jongin, it was an all-consuming love and obsession, a constant fight for perfection, he could not stand to be anything less than perfect. It was an art that he threw his whole persona into, project his locked emotions, and truly fly to another dimension free from the pressures that reality brought him.
But for too long, he battled with the struggle to keep himself afloat; to try and not lose his sanity. But he flew too close to the sun. The humiliation was palpable, tasting copper in his mouth and burning tears. He wished his grave would be built in that very spot on the stage. Somehow he was still able to pull himself back up, trying not to shrivel up hearing whispers of his inner demons.
You’ll never be good enough. Your broken limbs and bruised back are signs of failure. This art was never meant for you. Give up, you’re useless.
Jongin was tired. The mental toll of putting up pretenses that’s he fine and chasing after a dream he’s lost the fire for has made him feel hopeless. It wasn’t any kind of grand decision or earth-shattering realization, he just stepped out of the auditorium with his heart in his stomach with no intention of ever returning. Each step he took felt heavier than the last, his mind empty and clouded like it didn’t know what its purpose was anymore other than to keep his body alive.
It was in that state Jongin ended up in a place where all he could see was himself, more specifically his reflection. At every turn and every corner, his mauled expression stared back at him, taunting him with all his failures. It was like there was no escape, he came to a place that forced him to face his demons and listen as they broke down whatever humanity he had left in him.
Make it stop. Put me out of this misery. If I’m going to die, let me go now.
With every ounce of energy he had to muster, he prayed to some higher being for the first time in his life. If this was the end for him, he’d rather go at the lowest point of his existence. Jongin eventually fell to the ground and let himself succumb to the darkness.
The first thing Jongin sees when he opens his eyes is white.
Upon allowing his sight to accustom to the light, he identifies his surroundings as the outside, the sky turning into a dusky pink. But he takes notice of a figure lying on the dirt just across from him. With a jolt, Jongin realizes it’s himself, lying lifeless on the ground. He reaches out but his hand bends and he realizes; he’s looking at himself through some kind of mirror.
“It’s a weird thing, seeing yourself on the other side,” a voice suddenly comes from behind, shocking Jongin to stand fully. A taller man approaches him, wearing a friendly smile on his face. He is accompanied by another shorter man whose large eyes meet Jongin’s and regards him kindly.
“What’s your name?” The shorter man asks him.
“My name is Jongin, where is this place?” He’s surprised to hear his own voice after so long.
The taller man comes closer to him, sweeping a hand to gesture to the space, “We call it the Field of Mirrors, I don’t know if that’s what it’s actually called, but we are here inside a bunch of mirrors. I’m Chanyeol, by the way, and this is Kyungsoo.”
The shorter man, Kyungsoo, beckons him over, “Come, we’ll show you more to see.”
Jongin is not sure what he expected to find, but he surely did not think he would see his old dance troupe practicing on all sides, just like they would right before a performance. It leaves him with an odd nostalgic feeling.
Chanyeol comes to his side and nudges him, “What do you see?”
Jongin looks at him strangely, “You mean you can’t see the dancers?”
Kyungsoo smiles at Jongin, “We don’t see the same thing as you do. This place is a reflection of some of your happiest memories and moments. Everybody’s is different.”
That would explain why Jongin is starting to feel lighter and as he moves across the different mirrored reflections, he sees glimpses of when he was truly happy, doing what he truly loved.
“What were your happy memories?” Jongin asks them.
Chanyeol grabs one of Kyungsoo’s hands and, oh, Jongin notices something in his expression.
“I love playing guitar, it’s my first love. I thought if I did it for the rest of my life I would find true happiness. I killed my love right in front of me. Coming to this place made me remember why I love music and brought back the best times of my life. I even found some new ones,” Chanyeol says, his eyes glittering.
Kyungsoo smiles up at Chanyeol, “For me, it was singing. I became a singer to stand on the world stage, but the fame and loneliness killed me. I was humbled when I re-discovered my love for the craft. I couldn’t have done it alone though.” He brings Chanyeol’s enclosed hand to his lips.
Something swells in Jongin’s chest at their words, hope. He’s been so lost for so long that he felt he was the only one struggling, unable to keep his head above water. But here are two people that were just like him, yet they were able to find their hearts once again.
Chanyeol extends his free hand towards Jongin and gives him a brilliant smile, “Can we help you fall in love again?”
He may have died once, but Jongin thinks he found heaven after all.