Archive of Our Own

“… Just let me fuck you” Blaine groaned in frustration, trying to get a gold on Kurt’s arms, but Kurt stepped away, trying to control the tears that were forming in his eyes, trying to keep them away. He still couldn’t believe how they’d gotten to this.

“So you think you’d be the one to top our first time?” He didn’t know why he picked that from all the things Blaine had said. He wasn’t as uninformed as he had been in the past, he knew the basics and knew that someone had to, as Blaine put it, fuck the other, but he himself hadn’t given much thought to the positions, thinking that when the time was right he would know, so he didn’t understand why he had chosen that topic to argue about.

Maybe he had chosen that because it was the less offensive thing of what Blaine had said, maybe he wanted to forget the rest of the words that had spilled out of Blaine's mouth in his drunk state.

“Of course” Blaine said, his expression surprised, wide eyed and with a raised eyebrow, as if Kurt topping would be something impossible and unnatural “You’re, like, you” He said gesturing to Kurt’s body, and okay, maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to argue about this, because Kurt could feel his blood starting to boil inside of him as he started to understand the reason why Blaine thought Kurt was going to be the bottom “You’re not manly. I mean, you’re hot and sexy as hell, but you’re more, you know, weak, girly, and I totally love that part of you, believe me, because it also makes me feel so powerful and strong, like when you came running to me after Karofsky kissed you. It felt so good to stand up for you” Blaine said dreamily, and Kurt wanted to slap the smile off his face, but he kept quiet, his anger flooding his veins alongside the hurt and sadness, because he thought Blaine was different. How stupid could he be, thinking that someone could see him as something more than a fragile, effeminate, bullied boy?

“So, yeah, you’d be the bottom, because I’m the top, because it’s my duty as the tougher one to take care of you” Blaine said with a radiant smile that would have turned him into jelly a few hours, even minutes ago, but not right now. Now he felt too disgusted to even look him in the eye without wanting to puke “Come on, babe, let me fuck you, let me make you feel good” Blaine purred, trying to take a step towards Kurt, but the alcohol made him unsteady and he almost fell to the ground. After a few seconds passed where Blaine stared at the floor wide eyed as if he had just discovered a hidden treasure, he looked back at Kurt and reached to grab his arm again.

“No” Kurt said, his tone colder than ice and knife sharp, full of venom, but lacking any emotion at all. Kurt kept calm, even if his insides were burning, but he wouldn’t let Blaine see the effect his words had on him, not anymore. He wouldn’t change who he was, he didn’t care that he was more effeminate than any guy he had ever met before. He was proud to be different, but he wouldn’t be weak, not ever again, not around Blaine.

“But Kuuuurt, I really want to fuck you” Blaine said pouting and making grabby hands. Kurt just crossed his arms, taking another step backwards, further from Blaine.

Right now Kurt regretted that he had let Blaine drive him there, because he wasn’t in the mood of partying after what had just happened. Shaking his head he decided to just walk to his dorm at Dalton, even if he had to walk at least for forty minutes to get there. Lucky for him, there wasn’t a curfew they had to stick to on the weekends because the faculty trusted them to make the right decisions, and what he had thought before as stupid was now his saving grace, because there was no way he would arrive before 12:30 if he had to walk all the way there.

 What had started as a fun night was now becoming a nightmare and Kurt just wanted to sleep the headache that was starting to form off.

“Wait, Kurt, please, I really want to, just… just let me” Blaine tried, and failed, to walk at the pace that Kurt was walking, tripping again and avoiding falling face first into the floor thanks to the car he leaned into at the last moment.

“If you’re so desperate to get laid, go find a guy in the bar” Kurt said, turning to look at him for just a second, and when Blaine answered with a “Fine, I will” he continued on his way towards the school, not missing Blaine’s last muttered words.

“Why did I have to ask the biggest prude to be my boyfriend?”

His head was about to explode, he was sure of that. He couldn’t even move without a flash of pain rushing behind his closed eyelids and all over his skull. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to remember why the hell he felt like he was going to die in that very moment.

The trip in memory line didn’t last long as nausea formed in his stomach and he had to run to the toilet before throwing up yesterday’s food, and probably some of Friday too, seeing as once he had started, the vomit wouldn’t stop.

Blaine didn’t remember how many time he spent attached to the ceramic as if his life depended on it, but his hands started to hurt now from the strong grip he had on the toilet. He went to the sink and brushed his teeth thoroughly, trying to erase the bitter taste of his own puke.

When he looked himself in the mirror he almost had to throw up again. He was pale as a sheet of paper, with bags under his eyes and his hair was sticking in all directions, even with the hair gel. If someone were to be casting actors to play a ghost or a zombie right now he would have gotten the part immediately. He had never been so grateful to have one of the single dorm rooms, because he didn’t want anyone seeing him like this.

He forced himself to open the drawer and swallow some Advil for his headache before he headed back to his bed, hiding his face in the pillow when a single ray of sun filtered through the curtains.

“What the fuck happened yesterday?” Blaine grunted into the pillow as he tried to remember last night. He remembered that he and Kurt had wanted to try going to a gay bar, to check the scenery and what they could be missing, to see if it was something worth repeating or not, and they had chosen Saturday night to go, so he guessed that was the reason of his state. How much did I drink? He thought. He wasn’t an expert in alcohol, but he knew that he must have drunk quite a lot to be like this.

His phone started ringing in his bedside table, a shrill that only accentuated his already massive headache, but, luckily, it was just for a second. Probably someone called me by accident. Then the sound of a message echoed in the room, getting a groan from Blaine in response as he pondered if reading it was worth it or not. Laziness won and he just closed his eyes and willed all the pain he was in to go away.

He dozed off into a dreamless sleep and when he woke up he no longer felt like a living dead, at least not that much anyways. He sighed and rolled on his bed until he was looking at the white ceiling of his room, his mind clear enough that he could start recalling the past night. It started with blurry memories, but after some minutes, things started becoming clearer.

He remembered driving with Kurt and singing during the car ride there at the top of their lungs to whichever song came, even when they didn’t know the lyrics, inventing them as they sung. He remembered arriving there and the nervous glances he had shared with Kurt while the bouncer checked their fake IDs. He remembered the sudden smell of sweat that reached his nose when he entered and the way Kurt’s nose scrunched, even if his distasted expression morphed into a grin when he saw a poster of his favorite musical. He remembered asking the bartender what would be the best thing to drink, receiving a sharp laugh and a shake of his head from him before going away and returning with two identical drinks for him and Kurt, telling them to try them, stopping Blaine from paying, saying this one was on the house. He remembered dancing with Kurt and drinking some more, even if his boyfriend didn’t drink with him, deciding to be the designated driver “I will drink next time if we decide to try this again, okay? Just have fun” He had said. He remembered getting horny watching Kurt’s hips swaying to the beat of the music and kissing him right there in the middle of the dance floor, just because he could and no one would judge him there. He remembered…

“No” Blaine said as he sat down in a fast movement, the nausea forming again, but this time it wasn’t the alcohol what caused it “No, no, no, no, no, no, no” He kept repeating that word over and over again as he covered his face with his hands while the rest of the memories continued playing in his mind.

“No, I didn’t- I didn’t say that” He murmured as his eyes started to water, pressing his palms hard to his eyes, as if he could grab the images of the previous night and throw them away. A broken sob fell out of his mouth as he started to tremble and cry uncontrollably, the guilt tearing him in half and making the pain of the headache from before seem like nothing compared to the pain that had just invaded his heart.

He needed to find Kurt, and fast. Oh god, how can I be so hateful? He wiped away the tears from his eyes, even if they were replaced not even a second later, and stood up hastily, grabbing his phone. He stopped all movement when he saw a text and read the name.

From Kurt: I don’t know if you remember last night, but erase my number and don’t talk to me ever again. I have already blocked you in my social media, don’t make me block your phone too.

He read the text once, and then another time, and then another, and another, until every letter seemed to be hitting him on the chest and breathing became difficult. His hand let go of the phone, the screen broke when it made contact with the floor, but he didn’t care about it, his heart was shattering into a million pieces. His eyes became unfocused while tears run freely down his cheeks as his words from yesterday, now mixed with Kurt’s text, started haunting his mind, mocking him.

…Girly…

…Karofsky…

…Bottom…

…Weak…

…Manly…

…Fuck…

…Hurt…

…Blocked…

He started shaking and he fell to the floor when his knees gave out, curling into a ball and sobbing until the headache came back and his muscles got sore from the position, but he couldn’t move, not when he had just lost Kurt, not when he had lost his soulmate.

He spent hours crying, until his stomach forced him to eat something. He managed to stand up on trembling legs and go to the bathroom to wash his face, although it didn’t last long, his cheeks dampening again when he started sobbing silently once more. His stomach gave an impatient grumble and he got himself to the cafeteria with shaky legs.

He could feel people eyeing him warily when they saw the state he was in, but he chose to ignore them. He deserved every bit of pain and discomfort the world had there for him. Blaine managed not to break down again on the way, biting his lip so hard he drew blood, but all the pretenses of keeping himself from crying were forgotten when he walked through the doors of the cafeteria.

Kurt was sitting alone in a table at the far end, a plate of untouched food in front of him as he looked at it with a faraway look, and even from the distance, Blaine could see the tear tracks on his face. The sight made his heart clench and churn, trying to break free from the confines of his chest to run away towards the one he truly belonged to.

As if sensing that he was being stared at, those beautiful blue-green eyes lifted until he looked back at Blaine, but those weren’t Kurt’s eyes. No, they couldn’t be. The blue orbs he was staring at now were expressionless, missing the warmth that Blaine always found there when Kurt looked at him. Now, there was a barrier between them, an invisible barrier that Blaine had put there and that made it impossible for him to really see what Kurt was feeling, making them seem further apart than the few feet between them.

Blaine stood there, lip quivering, heart beating faster and harder, hands trembling by his sides. He tried to move, to walk towards Kurt and get on his knees and beg for a second chance he didn’t deserve, to say something, anything, but he was paralyzed. Kurt looked back at his plate, not acknowledging him, and started poking at the food, moving it from one side to the other. That seemed to break Blaine from his state and breathing suddenly became slightly easier.

He started walking while he planned what he wanted to say, but once he was just two feet apart from Kurt’s table and opening his mouth, Kurte stopped him “Don’t”

Suddenly, he was paralyzed again, Kurt’s single word keeping him unmoving as his breath got stuck in his throat. The worst was his tone, though, that stabbed like a sharp knife.

“You want someone to protect? Then go find someone else, because you and I are over” Kurt didn’t look up from food, just stabbed a piece of apple in his salad and eat it.

“Kurt” Blaine choked out the word as his whole world started to crumble around him. He saw as Kurt’s knuckles started to go white as he gripped the fork tighter and the muscles of his face working as he clenched and unclenched his jaw with closed eyes, noticeably trying to control his feelings.

“Don’t talk to me” He said through gritted teeth, his eyes shooting up to look at him and piercing him with a glare full of anger, betrayal, sadness and pain “I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you managed to come up with, because I won’t ever forgive you throwing all my fucking insecurities to my face just because I didn’t want to have drunken sex with you in the parking lot of a bar” His voice was barely over a whisper, but Blaine heard him clearly, the words echoing in his mind, adding fuel to the self-hatred and guilt he was carrying.

Kurt pushed his plate away and stood up, taking a bag Blaine hadn’t seen until now and walking past him. It took five seconds for Blaine to react, to move his gaze from the now empty seat, but when he did he ran in the direction Kurt had went. He couldn’t lose him, not now, not ever, not because of his own stupidity.

“Kurt, wait, please” He begged as he put himself in front of the taller boy, blocking his path, but also rewarding him with the deadliest glare he had seen the teen use.

“What part of don’t talk to me haven’t you understood?” Kurt was seething, Blaine could see it, his calm, expressionless demeanor morphing into anger, his hands balled into fists.

“I- I know you have every right to hate me, but… I… Kurt, I’m so, so sorry” Blaine said, trying to transfer all his feelings into words that would never be enough, not after being such a horrible person towards his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry too, because for a while you almost made me think that you were different, that you didn’t belittle me or think ill of me after all I’ve been through, but I see that I was wrong, that behind all those charming smiles and empty ‘I love you’s you are just like the rest of the world”

Blaine gulped forcefully at the words as he tried to blink back tears, because he understood why Kurt would think that. The thing was that he didn’t believe any of those things he said, he had never done, and he will never do.

“Kurt” He tried to control his voice, keep the emotions from breaking him down, because he needed Kurt to know how sorry he was “I- I love you. More than anything in this world. I don’t know why I said those things to you, because they are not true, I- I don’t think that, I promise you” He knew he was begging, that some people had stopped in the hallway to watch them, but nothing mattered, nothing but fixing this.

“Then you should have thought twice before saying them” He spat, walking away, this time in faster strides, leaving Blaine, that kept looking at him as he disappeared from view when he turned right in the corridor.

“I’ve lost him” Blaine whispered to himself. Hearts didn’t break, not exactly, but right now he could believe his was, because there was no way that he could be hurting like this without something being broken.

He didn’t try to contain the tears any longer, he let them run free while he walked back to his dorm room. Even his stomach had stopped grumbling.

The day passed faster than expected, although he hadn’t expected anything, to be honest. After the encounter with Blaine he went to walk the Dalton grounds, ignoring his aching legs after walking for hours in favor of walking more. He hated Blaine, but he hated himself more because he didn’t really hate Blaine. He was angrier than ever before, he has breaking inside, he had cried all night long, and yet he didn’t hate Blaine.

He had ignored Jeff when he arrived to his room last night, trying to muffle his sobs with the pillow, and he knew his roommate hadn’t slept at all with the constant sound of his cries, but Jeff had been kind enough to give him a warm smile in the morning after going to grab them both coffee.

He had hugged him and let him cry again, never asking for an explanation, just being there, and Kurt had never been more grateful of rooming with his best friend. After some time, though, he started spilling the events of the night before, seeing Jeff grew stiffer with each word and started muttering words about murder.

When they parted from the embrace they had been in for almost two hours while Kurt cried and talked, Kurt asked for some time alone and went to the cafeteria, where Blaine had found him half an hour before.

He went back to his room with bloodshed eyes and was instantly engulfed in another hug from Jeff when he closed the door behind him.

“It’s okay, everything’s going to be okay” Jeff murmured, pulling him tighter when Kurt’s legs started to give out, feeling the tears wetting his Dalton t-shirt as Kurt let go “I’m here, don’t worry”

“Why? Why does this happen to me?” He sobbed into his roommate’s neck as he explained what had happened.

“Because he’s an asshole”

“Then why don’t- why don’t I hate him?” He cried as Jeff moved them to sit on the bed, never letting go of the crying teen in his arms.

“Because you love him, and even if he’s an asshole, you know he’s not one of the bad guys” Jeff said truthfully. Several minutes passed without Kurt answering, only the sound of the muffled sobs against his neck breaking the silence of the room.

“I- I don’t- I don’t know if I- if I can forgive him” Kurt admitted as he sniffed, pulling away from the hug. Jeff rested his back on the headboard of Kurt’s bed and pulled Kurt next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders as they both stared into space.

“Either if you forgive him or not, I’m still going to cut his balls” Jeff said seriously with a straight face, successfully making Kurt laugh.

“Please do, but make sure no one catches you, I wouldn’t want to have to visit you in jail. Orange isn’t a color that would match your hair” Kurt mocked, his heart becoming lighter with the easy banter.

“How could you utter such words?” Jeff gasped, pushing Kurt away lightly and bringing a hand to his heart “Every single color looks good in me, thank you very much” He said crossing his arms over his chest while he pouted.

“Of course” Kurt conceded, nodding with a face of clearly fake agreement.

“Do I detect sarcasm in there?” Jeff said pointing an accusatory finger at him.

“No, obviously not” Kurt said giggling.

“And here I thought you knew about fashion” Jeff shook his head disapprovingly.

“Excuse me?” Kurt laughed “You’re the one talking, Mr. I-wear-the-Dalton-uniform-every-day-because-I’m-too-lazy-to-pick-up-what-clothes-to-wear”

“Why should I think about what to wear when I have the uniform?”

“Because every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion” Kurt said.

“Yeah, yeah, not everyone can be the next Mark Jacobs, so leave me alone” Jeff stuck out his tongue and punched him in the shoulder with a chuckle.

“You certainly won’t” Kurt mocked and they both laughed, falling to the bed, side by side. After minutes of hearing each other breathe, Kurt talked again “Thank you, you know, for everything”

“It’s alright, I’m here for you, buddy” Jeff said knocking their shoulders together.

“Nick’s a lucky guy” Kurt smiled.

Jeff’s smile was radiant at the mention of his boyfriend “I think I’m the lucky one in our relationship” He shrugged, putting his hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling “One day, someone will realize how lucky they are to be with you, be that Blaine or some famous model in New York”

“I really thought it would be Blaine” Kurt said, mimicking Jeff’s position and willing his voice not to crack.

“Everything’s going to be okay at the end, and no matter what, I’m here for you. You’re my bestie, remember?” Jeff said with a soothing voice that made it impossible for Kurt to be anything than hopeful.

“You’re my bestie too”

“Kurt, please, just- just let me explain” Blaine begged while he tried to keep Kurt and Jeff’s walking pace.

It was Thursday morning and Kurt had spent all the week avoiding Blaine like the plague or ignoring him when he had no choice but to be in the same room that him. He had just closed the door of their dorm when they had seen Blaine siting on the floor right across their room, waiting for them to come out.

“Blaine, leave him alone” Jeff said, and Blaine had never seen the blonde be anything other than a ball of energy and happiness, but now he was angry and looked ready to punch him in the face “If he ever wants to talk to you, then he will, but if he doesn’t want to talk to you, you leave him alone or I’ll rip your head off, are we clear?” He threatened.

“I just- I-”

“Stop!” Kurt shouted, surprising them both. He had been quiet while they walked, letting Jeff talk back to Blaine during the way to their first class, but he had reached his patience limit. He turned and looked Blaine dead in the eye “I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to hear your voice, I don’t want to see your face, I don’t want anything to do with you!” He ignored the few students that had started to surround them in the middle of the dorms hallway.

“You lost your chance the moment you opened your mouth on Saturday! You have no right to chase me asking me to let you explain, because I don’t want to hear it, I don’t! What are you going to say, that you didn’t mean it, that you were drunk, that it was the alcohol talking, that it was a mistake? You think I care about any of those things?! What I care is that my boyfriend, the only person apart from my best friend that knew about all my insecurities and the story of my transfer to Dalton, threw them all back at me just because I wouldn’t let him fuck me!” He was shouting louder with every sentence, every word, but he needed to let it all out if he wanted to move on, he needed to stop trying to keep his feelings bottled up to protect people, because they clearly didn’t have the same concerns as he did.

“You hurt me! I loved you and I trusted you, and you took that love and trust and threw it away as if I was nothing but a fucking hole for your dick. You were supposed to see past my flaws, but all you did was stab me in the back when we didn’t see eye to eye. Well, let me tell you something” Kurt said, pressing a finger to Blaine’s chest, fire in his eyes as he spat all the words “I’m not going to come running back to you. I don’t need you, and no matter how much you’ve hurt me, I will get stronger from it, because that’s what I’ve always done. I’m not weak, you bastard, I just let you see my most vulnerable side because I trusted you, but I see it was a mistake and I’m never doing it again”

“I love you” Blaine said brokenly as tears fell down his face, his expression was heartbreaking and for a moment Kurt only wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was going to be okay, that he forgave him. That moment didn’t last much.

“You can take that love and shove it up your ass” Kurt turned and grabbed Jeff’s elbow to sprint down the hallway past the people that were circling them.

“You okay?” Jeff asked when they were walking at a slower pace and were near their class.

“Yeah, a bit shaken up, but I- I needed that” Kurt sighed, letting go of Jeff’s arm.

“Does that mean you’re coming to the Warblers rehearsal this evening?” He asked hopefully “I missed you on Tuesday”

“I… I’ll think about it, okay?” Kurt said with a sad smile.

“Yay!” Jeff shouted fist pumping the air.

I lucked out in the best friend department Kurt thought fondly.

“Whatever, let’s go to class before I change my mind about spending even more time with you” Kurt joked rolling his eyes.

“You wound me, Kurtsie” Jeff chuckled, putting one arm around Kurt’s shoulders and smiling at him, and for a moment, Kurt thought that maybe everything would be okay.

“Okay, Blaine, Kurt, what the hell is wrong with you?” Wes said infuriated when, once again, they failed miserably trying to sing their duet “It’s a duet, not a contest to see who can be more miserable from the two of you”

“Wes, don’t be so hard on them” Nick intervened before the member of the council decided to hit them with the gavel.

Wes, however, ignored him “Blaine, you’ve been miserable and Kurt, you’ve been avoiding him like the plague. I don’t know what happened between you too three weeks ago, but regionals is in one and if you can’t get past this, we won’t stand a chance”

“Oh, come on, you know it’s a hard time for them” Jeff said, now irritated at his friend. Yes, Wes was an amazing friend, but when he got in council mode he could be the bossiest person alive and he forgot that people had lives outside show choir that could affect their performances.

“Nick, Jeff, as much as it pains me, he’s right” Kurt sighed, trying to hold his growing frustration. If they wanted to win regionals they would have to put their feelings aside, so he put on his best acting skills and put on a smile on his face as he got in position to start again.

To anyone that didn’t know Kurt, that smile would have looked genuine and would probably fool the judges and the audience, but Blaine knew better. He knew every shape, line and angle of his features and he knew that Kurt’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, because they still were more gray than blue, the corners of them didn’t crinkle, his cheek didn’t get that barely there dimple and his forehead didn’t relax.

To someone that didn’t know Kurt, he would have seem happy, but Blaine knew it was an act, and that notion made his stomach churn painfully, because he knew he was the reason why Kurt didn’t feel like smiling.

He felt his emotions starting to choke him up and he had to cover his mouth and blink rapidly “I- sorry, I- I need a minute” He said as he sprinted towards the door, ignoring the looks he was given, but when he was about to open the door of the room to go, he heard his name being called.

“Blaine” Kurt’s said, just one word, but it managed to make Blaine shiver from head to toes.

Blaine was left frozen with a hand in the doorknob as he slowly turned to look at Kurt, his heart’s speed increasing just by hearing him “Yes?” He managed to say with a wavering voice.

“Come with me” His voice had softened slightly, but Blaine didn’t want to get his hopes up, so he just waited for Kurt to walk past him out of the door and followed him to wherever he wanted to go.

They ended in the small forest of the Dalton grounds, following a path that they already knew by memory, and Blaine instantly knew where he was taking them. It was a tiny cave they had discovered the previous year when they had buried Pavarotti. The cave was hidden from view and they found it by mistake when they walked away from the path to search for a place to dig the grave, and despite Kurt’s initial resilience to go inside because he was afraid of getting his clothes dirty and the insects, they had both grown used to going to the cozy place, somewhere only they knew.

Kurt took off his Dalton blazer when they stepped inside the cave, bowing down to avoid bumping with the cave ceiling, and put it on the floor to sit over it, like he had always done. Blaine decided to do the same and they sat next to each other, but further apart that they had ever been, physically and emotionally.

“I love you” The words were out of his mouth before he could process it, but he didn’t take them back, they were true. Despite everything, he still loved Blaine.

“You… you love me?” Blaine asked wide eyed, heart trying to burst out of his chest in happiness.

“I do” His tone was neutral, not cold, but not warm, and at least that was something, right? Kurt kept looking straight to the entrance.

“I- I love you too” Blaine said as a smile started to form in his face. He could feel his eyes watering, but it was different from the million times he had cried during those three horrible weeks, because now he felt lightheaded and maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t destroyed everything between them.

“But…” Kurt sighed, running a hand through his hair, something he did when he was nervous. His expression wasn’t closed off, and Blaine could see how tired he really was “I just-” He broke off again and took a deep breath “You hurt me, Blaine, in way I thought you’d never do. We have had arguments in the past, but this was- this was different. This time you went to hurt me and you did it with a smile, as if it was the most normal thing to do. You know that behind my confident exterior I'm insecure, you know it, but you still said all those things” A single tear escaped the confines of Kurt’s eye but he wiped it away as soon as it fell. He had told to himself that he wouldn’t show any weakness towards Blaine, but it was hard to admit how badly those words had messed him up “I have nightmares where you keep repeating what you said back in the parking lot over and over again while you smile. I’ve reached the point where I’m afraid of sleeping because I don’t know how to deal with it. I want to believe that you love me, but how can I trust you?” Kurt asked brokenly, finally turning to look at Blaine, and the curly-haired teen didn’t know the answer to that, because his words had lost all its value after what happened.

“I- I don’t know, but I do love you, Kurt. I know I messed up, I know what I said was disgusting and horrible and I hate myself for it, because I don’t believe any of the things I said. I- I don’t even know why I said them. I love you with all my heart, and I don’t care if you play sports or if you wear scarfs or if you want to paint your nails, I just love you as a person, and I don’t care if you’re effeminate or not, because you’re as much of a man as any other guy, if not more. I know I said you’re weak, but oh god, Kurt, you’re stronger than I’ll ever be, and I’m messed up if I thought even in my drunk state that you’re anything but strong, because you being here despite everything, that’s something not many people would be able to do” Blaine said honestly, not minding in the slightest that he was crying now, he wanted Kurt to see how much he regretted what happened.

“I don’t know why I pressured you into having sex, because yes, I’m a teenager and I love you and I would love to take that final step, but nothing is worth seeing you hurt like this. I wish I could go back in time and punch me in the face before I did what I did. I know what I said was horrible, and I can’t sleep at night thinking about those awful words, but Kurt, I need you to believe that I don’t think any of that, at all. Using your kiss with Karofsky was a disgusting thing to do, because, yes, I was glad that I could help you, but not because I thought you were some charity case that needed help, but because you were my friend and I wanted to make you feel better, to show you that I was there if you wanted me to be. I know that I can’t possibly do anything to make you trust me, because you did and I didn’t appreciate it enough, but I can’t bear to lose you. You’re the love of my life, Kurt” Kurt’s eyes were fixed on his, sobbing tears of his own as he listened to Blaine speak.

When he noticed that Blaine wasn’t going to say anything more, he turned to look back to the entrance of the cave as he hugged his knees close to his chest. He shook his head and rested his head on his knees. Blaine could see his body shaking as he cried into his arms, only making Blaine’s guilt worsen as he sobbed while he watched Kurt cry.

They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, both lamenting what could have been and what they lost, until Kurt sniffed and lifted his head, looking at the ceiling and blinking rapidly.

“You… you said you didn’t mean what you said” Kurt said tentatively.

“No, god, no” Blaine shook his head so much Kurt thought he was going to break his neck “I don’t believe a single thing I said”

“Then why did you say them?” Kurt’s voice had gone wavery again, no matter how much he wanted to be strong, just talking about that night made it impossible for him to keep calm.

“I don’t know” It was Blaine’s turn to have a wavery voice as he run a hand through his face, pinching the bridge of his nose, the fingertips getting wet with the lasting tears of his eyes “I- I think it was my father. He- um, he called me the day before and said all those things about me, so maybe I lashed out with you. It’s the only reason I can find, because there is no way I believed the words I threw at you myself”

“No one’s gonna love you, fag”

“I’m sure you take it up the ass like the fucking girl you are”

“I regret the day we decided to have another son”

“You’re the disgrace of this family”

“You’re just a fragile little homo”

His father’s voice reverberated in his mind, sending a shiver through his body. Shame started to pump through his veins, not because he believed what his father had told him, but because he had taken all those hurtful things and thrown them at Kurt, even when he knew how much pain they would cause. He was never, ever, getting drunk again or hurting Kurt.

Kurt nodded as his vision became unfocused, like it did when he was thinking about something important and forgot about the rest of the world. He nodded once again, coming from whatever place he went, and opened his arms. It took Blaine a few seconds and a movement of Kurt’s hands urging him forward to understand what was happening, but when he did he couldn’t stop the sob that scaped his lips as he threw himself into Kurt’s arms and hugged him like his life depended on it.

“I’m so, so sorry” Blaine cried on Kurt’s neck, hugging him tighter, wanting to be closer and closer, to get inside Kurt’s skin “I love you, and- and I’m never drinking again, and you’re going to top each and every single time, and- and, I just- I will do anything you want me to” Blaine’s knuckles were grabbing the back of Kurt’s shirt so hard that it was a miracle it hadn’t ripped yet, but Kurt didn’t seem to care, hugging him just as tight while he cried into Blaine’s curls “But please, don’t leave me, I can’t lose you”

“I’m not saying goodbye to you” Kurt murmured as he rubbed his wet cheek on the curls he had missed so much “I forgive you, and I want to be with you, but… I’m not ready to trust you, not yet”

It hurt like nothing he had ever felt before, to hear that Kurt didn’t trust him, but he was giving him a second chance to make this right, and he wasn’t going to mess up, not this time, not ever “I understand, and I will give you all the time you need, just… know that I’m sorry and that I don’t believe what I said, please”

“I know, and I believe you. You have to know that I still love you, okay?” Kurt said.

“I love you too” Blaine chuckled through the tears. Kurt’s words were like a balm for his aching heart.

They weren’t ready to let go anytime soon and they spent more than an hour tangled with each other, whispering endearments and letting themselves heal for the first time since that Saturday night.

“It’s getting cold, we should head to our dorms before people freak out and think I’ve killed you and run away” Kurt attempted to joke, smiling softly at Blaine’s chuckle as the shorter boy disentangled himself and sat in front of Kurt. He had a sad smile on his face and his eyes were bloodshed, but he was still beautiful to Kurt.

“Yeah, although it’s going to be Wes the one to murder us after storming out on the middle of rehearsal” Blaine laughed rubbing his wet cheeks, feeling lighter than he had in weeks.

“He needs us to win, so he’ll wait after regionals. We have a week left to live”  Kurt smiled, the dimple of his cheek forming.

Blaine suddenly became more serious as he rubbed his hands together, thinking of a way to ask what he was thinking “Um, what are we now? I mean, after everything, what do you want me to be, a friend, your, um…” He left the sentence hanging, not able to quite say it, not when he didn’t deserve the title.

Kurt grew more serious too, but his expression was still gentle, something Blaine was grateful for, because maybe, with time, things would be alright “I want us to be friends, but I also want to be able to cuddle with you and hug you, because I missed you like crazy. I want a fresh start, to forget about that night and just have my friend back, and with time, my boyfriend”

“That’s- that’s okay, I- I can take that” Blaine said, and he knew he should be sad, but he couldn’t when Kurt said that in the future he wanted them to be boyfriends again, and Blaine was going to show him that he won’t ever regret that.

“Well, then, shall we go?” Kurt asked with a small smile.

They had never sounded better than when they sang at regionals, his voices harmonizing together in a way that got the full auditorium to their feet and clapping when the last note drifted to silence. Their duet was the last song of the three ones they had rehearsed, the final touch to win the judges over, and win them it did. The cheers lasted longer than any of them had expected, and even their fellow Warblers looked stunned after their performance.

When the curtains closed after they bowed to the audience Kurt found himself being lifted into the air and spun around as if he weighted nothing, and really, someone had to stop Jeff from eating sugar, he was a turmoil of energy.

“Kurtsie, what the hell was that?! You sounded amazing!” Jeff cheered as a laughing Kurt tried to break free and get his feet to the ground.

“Put me down, you’re gonna make me break my head!” Kurt chuckled, hitting Jeff on the shoulder, but not hard enough to hurt.

“As if I would let you fall” Jeff said cheekily, but he put Kurt back on the ground to hug him properly “That was incredible”

“No shit, I never heard you sound like that” Nick said, patting Jeff’s shoulder when they broke the embrace. Kurt smiled at the way Jeff lighted up and leaned into Nick until he was resting his head on Nick´s shoulder. They were adorable.

Kurt just shrugged his shoulders, not knowing how to respond to that. It was true, he and Blaine had never sound so good together. Maybe it had something to do with the emotions he had and the hope that finally everything was going to be alright. When he saw Blaine’s beaming expression as Thad congratulated him, he couldn’t help but smile, a smile that only grew bigger when he made eye contact and saw how Blaine said one last thing to Thad and walked towards them.

“That was, wow” Blaine said as a greeting, his smile splitting in half his face “There is no way we haven’t won this. The New Directions were great, but they had nothing against you”

“Against us” Kurt said, offering his hand to Blaine, who took it reverently with shining eyes.

They had talked a lot during the week and they cried and laughed and cried some more, but they healed too. At first, conversation had been awkward, like it usually is after a fight, however, they moved past it and managed to talk about everything that troubled their minds alongside small things, like the horrible sweater Kurt had seen a teacher wear, or the amazing film Blaine had discovered.

Things were going back to normal, but at the same time, they couldn’t be further from what they were before, and in a good way. They were reconnecting in a deeper way, giving everything they were without expecting anything in exchange, but also being themselves and not letting their relationship consume them, to be the only thing they focused on.

Kurt had told Blaine that they had to learn to live without the other, that their relationship couldn’t be the main focus of their lives. They grew closer, but also learned to give each other space.

When the judges of the competition announced who won, Kurt found himself lifted into the air for a second time, but when he looked down, hazel eyes stared at him like he was the trophy, and not the one Wes was holding.

“I love you” Blaine said when he put him down.

Kurt didn’t answer right away, not because he didn’t feel the same, no, more because he loved Blaine so much that it was threatening to make his heart explode. It had been over a month since Kurt had kissed Blaine, over a month since those memories started to haunt him, but he won’t let them haunt him anymore. If he wanted to get rid of them, then he would have to make new memories to hold on to.

That’s why Kurt leaned in and pressed his lips to Blaine’s in a sweet kiss, on the middle of the stage. After Blaine got over the initial shock he melted into the kiss and they softly, but surely moved their mouths in a dance that they knew better than they knew themselves.

“I love you too” Kurt said when they separated, foreheads resting together. Blaine’s arms had circled his torso while Kurt’s hands cradled Blaine’s face, softly rubbing his thumb over his cheeks.

He ignored the catcalls of the rest of the Warblers and New Directions, because even if there were things they still had to talk about, in that moment and place, all that mattered was that he and Blaine would be alright.