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when you kissed me it was like a switch in my brain turned on. everything made a little bit more sense.
you hesitated for a second, making your mind up, then leaned in and kissed me. i can feel it now. it was so soft, so sweet, and it made me feel absolutely fucking obsolete.
i’m not a good kisser. i don’t have much experience. unless you count natalie and abigail, and too many affectionate aunts to count. family reunions were the worst.
of course, there were the dozens of breathless boys i sent home with mouth-shaped bruises up and down their collarbones, and quite a few dizzy blonde girls in platforms who i never felt anything for, but had an obligation to.
if my mama knew what i was up to, she wouldn’t let me try her peach cobbler again, or step within five feet of her. “now, elijah,” she used to purr, in a drawl that wasn’t like anybody else’s, “those gays mean well, but they just ain’t like us.” she’d pat my cheek fondly with long calloused fingers, and tuck my hair behind one ear. “they gotta fix their ways, and then they can join us in the land of god.” she’d hand me a slice of peach cobbler and send me on my way out to the patio with my big sister natalie, who was puzzling and puzzling over her homework.
natalie frowned at me over her notebook. “how come i don’t get any cobbler?” she asked.
“ask mama,” i shrugged. cobbler was dribbling down my chin, but i didn’t care. the sun was shining, daddy was out on the ranch with abby and the new dog, roxie, and natalie was arguing with mama inside (i could hear her through the screen door, she hadn’t closen it all the way), and my cobbler was dripping down my overalls, and everything was okay.
back to you. right. you always slip back in there - in my mind. i’m thinking about my childhood, and my mom, and how my sisters are doing, and i start thinking about you again. i don’t know how, but you always worm your way back in, with your cheeky smile and bright eyes, like a shallow pond or a lakeside on a gray and cloudy day (the perfect kind of day to go to the lake. not too hot, not too cold. never busy).
you’re like a crisp autumn day. your smile warms my skin, kinda like a tacky pumpkin spice latte i buy as a joke and wind up actually enjoying. you’re like a oversized wool sweater, comforting (and a little misunderstood, but that’s okay. cause i get you. i think.) your laugh is like… like drugs. holy shit, i love your laugh. i would do anything to make you laugh over and over again. and see your face light up and see your smile again, even if i look a fool.
i am a fool.
i think about you all the time. not in a creepy way, though. i just think about… your smile. and how i would do anything to make that smile reappear. and i know i’m hopeless with comfort, but if you’re upset about something, you always know i’ll have an ear open and my arms out to wrap round you.
okay this sounds super obsessive and weird but. it’s just how i feel. i love you so much, kid.