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When they fought together on Tartarus, Shinjiro had noticed that sometimes Minako’s amber eyes became bright pink. He always believed it was because of the distorted light during the Dark Hours. It wasn’t until today, with Minako standing by his bedroom door, staring at him with an expression he had never seen on her face before, that he realized what the vivid color represented. The intent, determination... and desire. His heart was pounding fiercely, but he simply couldn't look away from those burning eyes.
Minako slowly approached him. He hissed, “Don’t look at me with that expression. I can’t-“
“If you don’t want to, just force me to leave.”
She didn't understand. Shinjiro closed his eyes. Tomorrow he was going to see Amada. If he failed to control his desire now, he would never forgive himself. He knew he was a weak man, and he shouldn’t even think of seeing her one last time. When he leaned in the corner and met her eyes, he just could no longer be able to refuse any of her requests. He loved her. How could that one last look be enough? He wanted to touch her, to hug her, to kiss her - to stay with her forever. But it was their last night together. The last night. The doubts and regrets left behind.
“I get it.” Minako’s voice was nearby. When he opened his eyes and saw her again, his feeling of worry, fear, and self-loathing all disappeared quietly. She smiled softly at him, then embraced him tightly, as he had done before.
"Just let me hold you. I'm not going to touch you.”
Shinjiro leaned against her neck, letting out a low laugh. “... Isn't that what I should say?”
Minako smiled back. Shinjiro wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her closer. He felt he could never let go again.
They lay down on the bed, closing their eyes. Without seeing directly, they still could sense each other’s presence. Their mingling breath, the rhythmic heartbeats... He perceived all the senses in her arms, having a mixed feeling of happiness and sorrow. He hoped that this moment would never end, but he was also well aware that the pocket watch he carried was ticking away the time.
“Shinji- Can I call you that?” Shinjiro’s cheeks burned. He opened his eyes and saw her giggling. “Shinji, Shinji, Shinji.” She sang.
“Shut up, moron.”
Minako closed her mouth, hid her face in Shinjiro’s chest, and laughed. He felt like butterflies were dancing in his heart.
“Shinji, why are you so cold?”
“It’s okay. Just happens sometimes,” He said vaguely, “Wouldn’t it be better to stay away?”
He retreated a little, leaving a space between them. At this distance, he could have a better look on her face. She shook her head, moved a hand without drawing his attention, and try to unbutton his coat. He almost jumped, grabbed her wrist by reflex. “Have you forgotten what you just said?”
Minako blinked, leaning close to kiss him on the cheek. It seemed she just wanted to calm him down. “I don't, but we can’t relax in our clothes like that. Remove the coat and let me tuck you in.”
Shinjiro looked at her in disbelief. Finally, he released it, covering his eyes with a hand. “Dammit... You just torture me all the time.”
Despite the reluctance, he changed into pajamas, while she took another one from his closet, his protest being ignored. He just couldn’t stay mad at her, so he buttoned up her collar, covering her with the quilt.
She sank onto the bed, dragging him down as well. With their bodies under the quilt, she took his hands, keeping their feet close together, when Shinjiro realized why she asked him to take off the coat. The warmth radiating from her limbs brought with her energy. After years until this moment, he finally felt alive, and he could now clearly see his life fade away like ashes shifted by wind. He embraced her again. Her warmth almost made him cry.
They found a comfortable position, limbs over each other. Shinjiro noticed a change in her expression, so he knew she had discovered the wounds under loose clothing - those wounds just refused to heal after he took suppressants.
“Don’t make that face. I hope you are always smiling,” He said, running fingers through her hair. Minako looked at him with twinkling eyes, stretched out to touch his hair too. Now his eyes, his limbs, his heart were all warmed. “Go to sleep. I’ll wake you before everyone gets up,” he hastily said, trying to hide his feelings.
Minako closed her eyes, leaned towards him, and soon fell into a deep sleep.
A feeling of warmth was on Minako’s cheek as she awoke. It seemed that Shinjiro placed his hand on her shoulder, smoothing her hair from time to time, or gently tracing the line of her face. She noticed the light was turned off. Silently, Minako touched a part of him with her feet, making sure the body temperature was back to normal. Satisfied, she opened her eyes.
Caught off guard, Shinjiro withdrew his hand awkwardly, but with a slight smile on his lips, he said quietly, “You wake too early. It’s just 4. You can sleep a little longer.”
The sad but contented expression on Shinjiro’s face seemed like an omen of disasters for Minako. Her heart sank further down when he told her the time. He was awake nearly all night. Of course, she knew what he had been doing the whole night and why.
Seeing her sitting up without saying anything, Shinjiro lit the lamp, didn’t press about it. Instead, he took his coat hanging on the headboard, draped it over her shoulders. They looked at each other for a moment, before he broke the silence, “... Are you leaving?”
She looked more upset, but Shinjiro was strangely relieved. She sat up straight and said, “Shinji, sit.” It reminded him of the time when he cooked dinner for everyone and urged them to sit down. He couldn’t help but smile. Minako saw his face and knew they were thinking about the same thing. “Now cover up with the blanket,” she added.
Shinjiro did as she asked. Minako found his eyes deeper and face angular in the dim light, then bit her lip anxiously. She could feel Shinjiro’s gaze was focused and intense even without looking straight into his face, as if he couldn’t afford to lose even a minute, trying to remember every single sight. Minako had seen that look before when she was chatting with Saori, Tanaka, and Mutatsu... She knew what that meant. It was time for the departure. She always had feelings like peaceful joy and deep sadness, but she never felt anything like this... Worry, panic, and despair.
Searching for words, she continued slowly, “I know that. I know you’re so sick and nearly dead. ” Shinjiro suddenly looked at her with horror. She stared back, all her feelings of grief and resentment coming right out. “Coughing, unhealthy complexion, those last words,“ she said accusingly, “Scars... And you're just holding back all the time! Do you think I'm a fool? I asked Akihiko-senpai and got the suppressant from Chidori’s doctor. I talked to him, to see if he could analyze the ingredients and find a cure."
Upon hearing this, the horror look on Shinjiro’s face slowly turned into a surprise. He had known that she was a capable captain of keen observation and action, but he could never imagine she had paid that much attention to him, thinking seriously about his future - No, he actually knew. He knew it when she found the pocket watch that he was no longer looking for. Minako was different from him. He thought he should take the misfortunes and miseries that fate gave him, while Minako simply rose and fought. He pretended not to see. He refused to admit it. He just looked at his regrets and his last wish. What a cowardly and selfish man he was.
Her voice became soft again, bringing him back to the present. “I once thought we can take our time. I’m gonna make you believe me. I can wait till you're ready to talk about your condition... and what happened in the past. But when I see you tonight, I realize I was wrong. Why are you looking at me like that? What exactly are you gonna do? How much time do we have? A month? A week? ” She stared at him, and Shinjiro knew he couldn’t hide anything under that gaze. “No. Is it tomorrow? On the night of the full moon?... I have a feeling. Once I’m out of here, you're gonna keep me away. I will never find my way back.”
Minako shed tears before realizing it, then looked at her palm in shock. He knew why she was surprised. The last time they talked late in the night, she told him with a smile that not once had she cried since her parents died. But he would never know, how could a person show her past sufferings in such a straight and brave way? She believed in him, but he failed to repay her faith. Shinjiro reached out his hand, but then withdrew it. He looked downward.
“Nothing to say?” Minako glared at him, lifting a hand to rub away the tears. “I see you're just thumbing your nose at me as a captain. Let me guess. You once said, I don’t have to forgive you. I don’t know what exactly that means, but I can presume that you hurt someone, who I probably even know.”
... How insightful. Her words sent a chill down his spine. Minako scrutinized him with a devilish smile, the same look she wore when she said something sarcastically, or in deep anger and sadness, but Shinjiro never saw that look when they were alone. He winced.
“Am I right? So, a dying man and someone he failed. It's not hard to imagine what would happen next. Are you going to atone for sin by killing yourself? Have you ever thought about Akihiko's or Miki’s feelings? ” Her accusatory tone turned into a soft one when she continued, “... Have you ever thought what that would make me feel?”
Shinjiro met her eyes, momentarily losing for words. Minako took a deep breath and crossed her arms. “Still not telling me? Fine. I'm gonna ask for some days off. I'll follow you and protect you no matter what happens. I’ll never let you die in front of me. Even if I have to pay with my life.”
Shinjiro glared at her with rage, his heart beating so fast that it hurts. He pulled her towards him, leaving the calmness and self-control all behind. He pressed his forehead against hers and threatened in a low voice, “Try it. You won't wanna know the cost.”
It was probably also the first time Minako saw such a look on his face when they were alone. He had frightened his classmates, those street thugs, even the teachers, but there was not even a hint of fear on her face. “I’m your captain, your lover, but you just don’t trust me! You’re not gonna listen to a word I say, so why should I listen to you? I’ll do what I want! ” She insisted, covering her ears.
Lover. He held his breath when he heard the word, and it took a while to realize that he was still angry. Shinjiro’s smoky gray eyes fixed on her, and Minako looked back. He let go of her collar in frustration and indignation, breaking the stalemate. The muscles of his face were still stiff, but the light in his eyes unwittingly softened. “... Why are you doing this to me? You‘re such a sensible, calm girl to your friends. Why are you so childish when you’re with me? ” Minako retorted defiantly, “That’s also what I wanna ask! You are never a mild man in our friends’ eyes, but why you always look at me with those soft eyes? ... You're just like the moon. Why you always make me love you more?”
Shinjiro looked at her with disbelief, then laughing involuntarily, “You moron...”
With her face glazed with tears, Minako was still pouting, before breaking into a laugh as well. When the silence fell again, she raised her hand to run fingers through the hair curled around his face. Then she touched his cheek and murmured, “If you are dead, I won’t live long either. You are so stubborn. How can I ever smile again if you do something like that? I won’t let you do that...“
”Arisato- “
Seeing Minako looking at him with disapproval, he stopped and ruffled her hair. “Minako. You’re the most reliable one I’ve met,” he looked into her eyes and said, “You can always make things better, but I- I might be expecting the things to get worse. When someone lives in memories, he can't even remember how to look into the future. I won’t let that child carry the weight of life if I really want to protect him. I’m just forcing him to decide my fate for my own sake. But now... I can’t do that anymore.”
He wanted to continue, but no words came out of his mouth.
“Come here,” Minako took off the coat, hands outstretched, and said tenderly. Shinjiro got closer to her, letting her go in his arms. For a moment, they just remained close to each other without saying a word.
“I killed someone,” he began, “It was Amada’s mother.” That was the first time he ever mentioned the accident to someone. There was not much to say, but she listened attentively. Shinjiro had never thought that the guilt he carried around for years sounded that simple when it came down to words, a mixture of bitterness and emptiness growing in his heart.
Minako pressed her forehead against his as he had done before, but it's not a threat this time. He could see through those eyes, no pity or disgust, just pure trust and belief. Only the one who lives her life without regret can look at others with those clear eyes. She's just like the sun. Such a brave and beautiful soul, lead them to defeat the increasingly powerful Shadows at the full moon, creating one and another miracle.
He had imagined what she would say if she knew everything. It’s not your fault? You don’t mean to do that? But Minako held him tightly as if she was comforting a very young child. Maybe Aragaki Shinjiro was still a child. Miki went to heaven. Aki moved on and never turned back. Only he was still living in the beautiful days before the fire destroyed everything he wanted to protect.
She said, “It’s okay. We'll find out together. Let me be there by your side. ” Shinjiro saw his reflection in her eyes, and for the first time in his life, he saw himself in someone’s future.
All his fears went away. He’d never felt so light, even thinking that he could give himself totally up to her. He took a deep breath quietly. It was full of her sweet smell.
“You really should sleep. Now there’s no point in asking for days off,” he whispered. Minako shook her head and pulled back so she could check his face, “No. Now it’s your turn to be first. If you are awake, so am I.”
Knowing that he would never win, Shinjiro pretended to close his eyes. He felt she was toying with his hair. “You just won’t let anything go, will you?” Minako laughed in his ear. Shinjiro could imagine the cunning look and narrowed eyes on her face. He smiled inwardly. With his body lighter and the assurance of more time to stay with her, Shinjiro fell asleep quickly. Minako looked tenderly at his face, pressing a kiss on his brow.
She reached out and turned off the bedside lamp.