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Death.
Taehyung was not used to this word. Even if it had been months leading up to that phone call nothing had prepared him to hear it. His father was dead.
Kim Ji-ho had died peacefully in his bed at 7:49 pm on a Monday. And Taehyung received the news a few minutes later, he was on the bus, which meant he was not allowed to cry, so he holds his tears inside of his chest for later. Later.
He was going to visit his father on Christmas, take the train from Seoul back to his childhood home, and would spend what he thought was his father’s last days with him. But no, life has cruel ways of changing our plans. Life hits you like a trainwreck and leaves nothing behind except the remains of someone you one day were. It leaves out dust.
Taehyung feels like dying, he feels like getting out of that bus and screaming in the middle of the street and beg every God to not take his father away from him, he wants to cry but he has to hold his tears because he is in public, and men don’t cry. But nothing makes his tears stay in place so one silently rolls down his cheek, it tastes sour when it reaches his lips. Taehyung licks his lips and brushes his bangs from the front of his face and dries the tear away and hopes he can manage to pull himself together until he reaches his destination.
Until he reaches his destiny.
Jimin.
Jimin was the only person Taehyung trusted now. After all, he was his best friend. The first person Taehyung could trust was his father, but now he was gone, and as much as he tried, there were some things Taehyung could never tell Jimin despite wanting to, he could only tell his father.
And one of the things is that he is irreversibly, impossibly in love with Jimin. Oh, and that he’s gay too. He was going to confess to his father when he went back home.
Taehyung has met Jimin at one of these beautiful moments life sometimes gives to us, at a park, their dogs intertwined the leashes and suddenly Taehyung sees himself staring at the most handsome man life has been graceful enough to show him. Jimin with his dirty blond hair and smile that shone brighter than a thousand suns, Jimin who liked to sew, longs walks in the park, hated spicy food, and liked to sing songs in the shower after a long day of work.
There were many things Taehyung knew by heart, and there was a special place in his heart for all things Jimin.
Taehyung grabs his phone as soon as he gets off the bus, still standing at the bus stop he dials Jimin’s number.
“Hi,” Jimin’s voice is low. “Is everything alright? You never call.”
“Jimin,” Taehyung lets out a long breath he was holding. This is going to be the second hardest thing to say today. “No, I’m fine. I’m fine.”
“Good, Taehyungie. I got worried for a second,” Jimin says from the other end of the line. “But can you tell me what happened now?”
Taehyung breathes out, his hand is shaking, and nothing feels the same anymore. The wind seems colder than it should be for late November and maybe it’s going to rain any time soon, or it was just his imminent tears. He doesn’t want to tell Jimin because if he says the word if he says dead it will become true. It will be real and then nothing would be the same.
“I just need a place to stay for tonight,” Taehyung says finally. “Just for tonight, I promise.”
“You can come whenever you want.”
So Taehyung walks to Jimin’s house.
Jimin lived in a second-floor apartment that had stairs leading into it, Taehyung drags himself up there and waits in expectation after knocking on the door. His heart was crushed inside his chest, and he was just the ruins of someone he once was, nothing mattered anymore. His father was dead and he had no brothers or sisters, and his mother was not the most pleased with his life choices, which meant Taehyung was all alone.
At least he had Jimin.
He opens the door and looks at Taehyung with worry-filled eyes, he was wearing grey pajamas and looked so homey and cozy and all Taehyung wants to do is cradle in his arms and never leave. But he knows that it would be true, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration, he would never leave once he had Jimin.
“Baby, tell me what happened? Are you hurt?”
Taehyung shakes his head from side to side. No. A lie.
“So what is it? You are making me worried.”
Taehyung stares at the floor and doesn’t say a word. He can’t bear to even think about it, much less say it out loud. His father was dead. He died peacefully in his bed at 7:49 pm. With nothing in return, Jimin grabs him by the arm and pulls Taehyung inside the house, who just walks agreeing to whatever Jimin thought was best. He takes off his shoes and coat and puts his bag on the floor by the door, all with very careful eyes looking at every single move, he couldn’t blame Jimin, he probably looked like a mess and worthy of pity.
“Can I drink some water?” Taehyung asks looking at his friend.
Jimin moves to the kitchen and asks Taehyung to sit down, so he goes to the couch and looks at Jimin’s apartment. It was small but filled with plants all over, a blanket was thrown over the chair because Jimin liked to read with a blanket on his lap. That was something Taehyung knew, and there was plenty of other things too. On the coffee table, there was a cup filled with herbal tea that was probably cold, because Jimin was the type of person that made tea to not drink it. God, Taehyung loved him. Loved more than he could bear.
“Here,” Jimin comes back with a glass of water in his hands and holds it until Taehyung grabs it from his hands.
Taehyung takes long sips of it and just like that, he doesn’t feel like crying anymore. It is starting to set in, the idea of being a person that was alone in this world.
“It’s my dad,” Taehyung says. “My dad died a while ago. I got a call from auntie back home and she told me.”
Jimin’s face crumbles, maybe he looks as devastated as Taehyung. Because Jimin was like that, he felt too much, and Taehyung didn’t want to be sad around him but there was no one else he could reach out to. Jimin doesn’t deserve to be miserable as well, Taehyung does, on the other hand. He should’ve gone home to visit his father and to spend his last days on this earth with him, but he was cocky and thought he could dictate death and that he would have more time with him, but now he doesn’t have any time anymore. The hourglass was empty.
“Taehyungie,” Jimin says and hugs Taehyung, sitting by his side on the couch. “I’m so sorry, my love.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know. But I can be sorry anyway.”
Taehyung gets showered with attention for the rest of the night, Jimin draws him a bath and sits with him on the toilet and talks, and talks and talks, and Taehyung listens because he loves to hear Jimin talk.
While Taehyung sits in the bath, staring at the wall in front of him, he thinks and his mind wanders while Jimin talks about something. Jimin talks a lot when nervous, Taehyung remembers.
“I feel like maybe my dad does—” he stops himself mid-sentence. It still hurts to think about it in the past tense. “Didn’t know that I loved him. That I love him.”
“Why is that so?”
“I never said it, for starters. Maybe I should have said it, now I can’t do it anymore.”
“Love can be shown in a multitude of ways,” Jimin says and Taehyung believes him. He was the only one Taehyung could trust. “I believe that love speaks the loudest when we are quiet when there’s no one else around. Try to remember the times where it was just you and your dad and you will see that there was so much love in those moments.”
Taehyung remembers the first time he was left at school, he was six, and his dad dropped him off late because he didn’t want to say goodbye, he had teary eyes and a sympathetic smile that said everything was going to be alright. And it was. Taehyung made friends and had a lot of fun at school, turns out his dad was right, and yeah, so was Jimin. There was a lot of love at that moment.
Later in the night, Taehyung realizes that he has memorized Jimin’s facial expressions, alongside his habits, Taehyung could dictate exactly what Jimin was thinking just by looking at his face. Despite trying to show that he was strong, Jimin too wanted to cry, and Taehyung had no idea why he wasn’t crying, he was sad, sure. But where were the tears? Maybe he was still in shock.
Taehyung feels at home and safe at Jimin’s flat, he knows that no one will try to hurt him there, and he doesn’t feel alone like he always does in his apartment, he feels at home. Jimin sets the place for Taehyung to sleep on the couch because they were friends, and despite Taehyung’s dreams, had never shared a bed, and while Jimin puts the blankets on top of him and cover his whole body except for his face Taehyung knows that nothing else will ever harm him.
The pain was terrible now, but Jimin would kiss his bruises and would tell him bedtime stories. Bedtime stories for adults, which consisted of Jimin just telling stuff about his day, and the sound of his voice was enough to soothe Taehyung and send him into a deep slumber.
Death. Taehyung’s dad died alone and peacefully at 7:49 pm on his bed. Peaceful. But alone. Taehyung’s heart shatters at the thought of imagining his dad alone on his last breaths, and maybe he didn't suffer. But is that a nice death? To not suffer? Shouldn’t one be glad and happy that they are surrounded by the ones they love on their deathbed? Taehyung has so many worries. But in the morning he would wake up and go to the train station and would go back to his family’s farm and would bury his father.
He just wanted to be around him, even if it hurt, even if it wasn’t necessary, he wanted to be around his dad when he was saying goodbye.
Taehyung never talked about love with his father, never said that he loved him, but somehow, he felt loved, Jimin was right, love speaks the loudest in the quietest moments.
“Sleep tight, Taehyung. I love you.” Jimin says and plants a small kiss on his forehead.
So Taehyung, with his heart filled with confusing emotions, falls asleep in a matter of seconds. Maybe the pain wasn’t unbearable, as long as he had Jimin, the pain was okay. His dad died alone, but that didn’t mean Taehyung had no one else in his life and was fated to die alone as well. He was not his father’s image. He was himself, skin and bones, and just Taehyung.
Kim Ji-ho died alone in his bed, and Taehyung wonders if the death would be less sad if he was there to see it, but that’s for later and he shouldn’t worry about that. Now, with his body covered with a warm blanket and wearing the clothes of the man he loved, Taehyung was safe. For now, he wasn’t alone. And would be happy if he were to die at that very instant.