Archive of Our Own ^beta

“You’re staring,” Dean says, forcing WIn’s gaze away from the sea.

He shrugs, “the sea looks nice.”

“Yes because the sea is what you were looking at.”

Win blinks in mock confusion at him. He is very aware of what Dean is implying and he also has enough self awareness to ignore it.

He wasn’t lying though- the sea did look nice. It was just shy of dusk, the once bright summer blue of the blue fading into warmer yellow and red hues. It was a sight that Win had blessedly witnessed for the past few days yet it looked even more ethereal today and that might’ve had something to do with who was in the sea, swimming along with the waves.

No, he was certain it was due to him yet admitting so fell into a territory that he tried not to venture into often- save for those times when he was alone at night, and petals of does he and does he not creeped into his mind.

(The judgement of the petals always told him that he did have feelings regardless of the way it ended.)

“Hia,” Team calls for him. He lifts his head from where he’s sat and watches droplets of seawater drip before him, one of them falls on his leg but he’s too busy staring at the other to notice. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Smiling, he throws the towel to the younger who barely manages to catch it. “You look like a wet dog.”

Team gives him a look and Dean from next to him, unprovoked, adds, “Don’t worry Team, it’s a compliment." his lips twitch as he catches Win’s unimpressed glare, “you know he absolutely adores dogs, finds them all cute and tiny.”

An unwanted memory strikes up before his eyes, one from a few months ago of him and Dean, sitting on the uncomfortable cold tile of his dorm room, hands wrapped around a nearly empty bottle of some cheap alcohol. It was a while ago but he can still clearly recite everything that occured on that cursed night, specifically the part where he had been on the verge of tears as he ranted to Dean how unfair it was that Team was annoyingly cute and tiny and how it was even more annoying that Win could not kiss him.

It was on that cursed day where Win had one too many glasses-more like bottles- of alcohol that had led him to confess his deepest, darkest secret to Dean. And despite his many, many prayers and bribes the other never let it go, instead choosing to use WIn’s own words against him.

“Asshole,” he mouths to the other, who simply grins wider in response. A bubble of helpless irritation boils inside of him at seeing Dean so smug and he wonders if that’s how the other feels most of the time.

“I’m not cute, P’Dean,” Team whines, completely missing Win’s disbelieving expression, “nor am I tiny.”

“Would you prefer the term extra small?”

“You aren’t that tall!” the younger exclaims, “what is it with you giants making everyone else into dwarfs?? I’m above average!”

Win decides that it’s probably the best time to interrupt. “And no one is saying otherwise, baby.” He drapes his arm across Team’s shoulder, “now let’s go before that giant's boyfriend gets mad because we let his food get cold.”

“Do you know how long it takes for him to cook that?” Dean defends, uselessly, “I would get mad too.”

“Aren’t you boyfriend of the year,” Win starts, he leans down to Team’s ears, mock whispering, “look at him defending his boyfriend’s honour.”

The younger nods, expression grave, “he isn’t even here.”

“It’s too late,” Win adds, sighing dramatically, “he’s too gone.”

“RIP to his cool, mysterious image.”

“One more word,” Dean threatens, pulling the two apart from each other, “and you two can eat grass for lunch.”

Team rolls his eyes but shuts up immediately.

For a while they walk silently towards the beach house, content in watching the colours reflect on the water. Win strays behind them, watching in amusement as Team tries to trip the elder only for Dean to push him back. He feels a familiar emotion tug at his heart again.

He looks away, eyes closing as he trails behind them. The air is cold as it whips around him, cloaking his senses with saltwater. He inhales it, feet digging into the sand below him as the sound of his friend’s soft laughter fills his ears.

Is this happiness?

A hand clutches his as Team finds his side again. “You’re too slow," the younger states, pulling him forward to where Dean is waiting and Win lets him,eyes never leaving their intertwined hands.

His heart tugs again.

Is this love?
…...…...…………………….
The realisation that he likes Team fits into his life like the last puzzle piece.

For a while, he couldn’t find a word to depict what he feels, couldn’t take it apart no matter how much it affected him.

He had met Team when the younger had joined the school’s swimming team. He hadn’t thought much of him then, if anything he was simply impressed at the younger’s ability and drive.

It had stayed that way for a while, the only contact they had was during swim practices and competition, during which they barely spoke save for wishes of good luck and praises.

The only reason they even became friends was due to Dean’s thirst for Pharm, who he had taken one look at- a creepily long one- and decided that he was in love.

“It’s just interest!” Dean claims.

“Your interest made you fail math!” Win responds, “on purpose. And now I have to do extra maths.”.

“You don’t have to-”.

“What?” Win questions, “you want me to leave you alone with the potential love of your life so you can scare him away?”.

“I wouldn’t scare him-”.

“Dean, I love you man but you just stare at him,” he states, “and I know you struggle with conversation and all which is why I-” Win stops, eyes catching on Team as he enters the pool, “I’ll be there with Team.”.

“Team?”.

He claps his hands,“It’s perfect, he’s friends with Pharm which will hopefully make Pharm feel more comfortable.”.

“I think i’ll just stick to my plan.”.

“Your plan is stupid,” Win declares, “you really failed math just so you had an excuse to talk to Pharm?”.

“He’s really good at maths!” Dean defends, “he’s in math club.”

He tilts his head, “we have one of those??”

The other nods. “And I didn’t fail math, I just did badly on a test.”

“You could’ve just gone up to him and said hi-”

“And then what?” Dean prompts, “stare at him and hope he can read eyes?”

Win purses his lips. “I get your point,” he starts, “which is why us four will study as a group, I’m good at talking so i’ll handle that- and all you have to do is stay there and look pretty and hopefully he’ll fall for you.”

“Will he agree?”

“That’s why Team’s there, plus Pharm seems like one of those really genuine nice people so I highly doubt he'll say no.”

"Yeah," Dean unconsciously smiles, "and Team?"

"I'll take care of Team don't worry."

Surprisingly, it had all worked out well. Team had agreed rather easily to the surprise of Win though he understood the younger's willingness when he saw his grades. He would help Team whenever he could while Pharm would aid Dean with his maths questions. Sometimes he would ask Pharm to help him because maths had never been his strong suit and if he was fully going to exploit Pharm's smart brain. It worked out so well that he often forgot why this study group even came to be.

(It would come back to him when he watched Dean shamelessly ask Pharm to a million follow up questions to problems he already knew the answer to, just so he could stare at the others' face.)

It was only when it was nearing the end of their senior year that he decided Dean was taking too long and thus proceeded to find ways to leave Pharm alone with Dean.

More often than not, he would drag Team away with the promise of food. Other times he would help the younger practice or keep him company as he swam. On many occasions, he would help Team with his work. The more time Dean spent with Pharm, the more time Win spent with Team. And he was grateful for it. While at first, he wasn't pleased with the idea of having to entertain a kid who was nearly two years younger than him, he soon found Team's company to be really pleasant.

It was easy and light. Comfortable.

At school and with most of his other friends, Win was bright and extroverted. With Team, he could fully be himself. He didn't have to force conversation in order to feel less awkward, he didn't feel like he had to do anything. With him, Win could be quiet, subdued one day and loud and boisterous the next.

Some days Win would feel the pressure weigh down on him, the University applications pilling up as he glared at him. He didn't know what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go, he didn't know shit and all the unknown suffocated him.

On those days, he would withdraw from everyone. He would sit on his bed,a text already sent to Team that he won't be able to make it today and he would stare at his ceiling, hoping that the answers would magically appear.

It was on one of those days, that he realised that he liked Team.
……….
The door to his room screeches as it opens. He doesn’t react in hope that his brother would leave once he notices the lack of reaction from Win.

"Hia?" Team calls out. "I, um, know you said not to come but I bought ice cream." Win doesn't reply and the younger sighs,dropping the bag on Win's desk, "I don't like mint chocolate and I know you do, so would you please eat it?"

A hand tugs at his shirt and Win turns to see Team staring at him, eyes wide and filled with so much concern that he feels his heart stop momentarily. "Hiaaaa," he whines, lips pouting unconsciously, "it's going to melt. Please don't let my hard earned money go to waste."

Win rolls his eyes as he sits up. "Hard earned? Really? All you do is look at your dad with that damn look and he gives you money."

"It's my eyes," he says, "see?" He looks at Win with those wide eyes again, eyebrows furrowing slightly as his lips jut out. "Hia?" He starts. The senior doesn't respond. "Can you get up and eat the ice cream with me?"

He doesn't realise he's nodding until Team beams, leaving to go get spoons before Win can even say a word. For a moment he wonders why it feels like his heart has stopped inside him yet when he places his palm above it, it thuds erratically underneath.

Team comes back with spoons, he gives one to Win along with his cup of ice cream and sits to him as he digs into his own cup.

"Thank you," he says, smiling softly at the younger. "You didn't have to buy me anything."

Team shrugs, "you always buy me some when you want me to feel better. Weren't you the one who told me that it numbs the pain?"

It sounds like something stupid he would say, he wants to reply yet the words stick to his throat as it squeezes uncomfortably. He bites hard on the spoon, the cold stinging his teeth as he tries not to cry. He's not sure why he feels like he wants to cry, why that small gesture means so much to him.

"Are you.." Team's voice is hesitant, "are you going to cry?"

"No," he replies, shaky and weak.

A hand pats his hair and Win looks up at Team in bizarre confusion. The younger blushes under the gaze but doesn't stop his hand.

His breath hitches at the sudden closeness. "Wh-what is this?"

"Comfort," Team answers. "Is it okay?"

"I-" he stops. "I'm confused. Is this how you comfort people?"

"I usually just get Pharm," Team confesses, "or if it's Pharm I just hug him but I didn't- I wasn't sure if you would want to-" His face burns brighter. "Stop looking at me like that," he mumbles.

Win chuckles. "God you're worse than Dean."

The younger groans, head slumping against Win's shoulder as the hand that was petting his hair goes limp beside him. "In my defence it works on my cat."

He tries to focus on what Team is saying yet his brain remains hyper fixated on where he can feel the heat on his shoulder. It's barely any contact but it burns through his skin.

He swallows as he ruffles the younger's hair, understanding seeping through him as he inches closer.

He closes his eyes. All he can feel is Team.

"Are you staying here tonight?" He asks in a desperate attempt to shift his attention.

"Well yeah," the younger replies as if it was given- actually he looks somewhat offended that Win had even asked. "Do you want me to go?"

He huffs, putting up a pretense of irritation, "you wouldn't leave even if I asked you to."

"It's your fault for living so far," Team resorts. He stands up and Win watches dumbfounded as the other helps himself to the elder's clothes. "I'm going to go shower and then we can go to sleep."

Win wants to argue about how unfair it is that he's left to clean the mess up but he can't. None of this is new, it's only a testament to how many times Team has stayed over that he's familiar with everything in Win's house and feels comfortable to borrow(steal) his clothes. Only this time, it causes the weird tug in his stomach and the mere thought of seeing Team in his clothes is way too much all of a sudden.

"I fucking lost it," he mutters, angrily as he picks up the empty ice cream containers and shoves them on his table- he'll trash them tomorrow. "Get it together for fucks sake."

He flops into the bed, covering his head with the comforter as he buries his face into the pillow. Maybe a little diy suffocation is what his brain needs to start working again. "I'm just overthinking," he reasons to the annoying little voice in his head, "I'll wake up tomorrow and nothing will be different."

"Hia? Are you asleep already?"

He curses silently at the voice, followed by the patter of footsteps as Team climbs into bed next to him. Since when was his bed so small, he wonders.

"Hia?"

"No," he replies, cringing when his voice cracks. Get it together.

"Are you okay? Are you crying?" Team questions concern flooding the words as he pats Win's shoulder.

He turns then, hand grabbing Team's arm to yank him down so he's laying down next to him, head on his shoulders, just like normal. The younger goes down easily, throwing his arm around Win's stomach. Unhelpfully, for the first time he wonders if this is normal for friends, it probably is, he has shared a bed with Dean multiple times though it was never like this- he would have pushed the other off him and he knew Dean would do the same.

And it wasn't like Team and him were the closest of friends, he was friends with him just like Pharm was friends with Dean so their closeness didn't make sense.

His mother hadn't even batted an eye when she had found them entangled together that one time she came to wake them up so he was most likely overhanging, after all his mother would have said something right?

"Hia?"

"Yeah?" he answers, blinking his thoughts away as he looks down at Team. "How are you already half asleep?"

Team yawns again, wriggling as he gets more comfortable. "You're warm," he supplies, "You're what chamomile tea would be like as a person."

No matter how many times he's heard Team say that, the fact that he helps the younger sleep always warms his heart. But that's solely because he is a narcissist-nothing else!

"I need to shut up," he groans, ignoring the confused hum from Team. "Ignore me, just go to sleep, baby."

"I'm not a baby," Team whines.

Win laughs, "then why are you whining?"

To other people it would be somewhat weird to see him call Team baby but really it's simply an innocent nickname that he had first started using to annoy Team and then it just stuck. There was nothing wrong with it.

Was there? No he would not be going there again, nope, definitely not because there was nowhere to go, it was simply a case of temporary insanity.

(Win waits till the younger has gone to sleep and then spends the next few hours researching different universities and after texting Dean, he is happy to announce that he has found at least three universities that he would like to go to.

His parents question his sudden productivity and motivation and he decides to spare them the knowledge that the only reason he did any of it was to avoid his brain from thinking about a certain person. He couldn't afford to have a sexuality crisis and a career/life crisis at the same time.)
……………………..
Every summer night Win would retire for the night, crashing into his bed after a day of swimming or partying. His shirt would’ve been thrown somewhere on the ground, socks chucked carelessly next to them.

And he would sleep, not waking till his brother or Dean were sent to wake him up.

This summer, however, he stands still in the middle of his room, eyes staring at the bed. Ever since he was young, his and Dean’s family would rent a bungalow together for two weeks in the summer. It was spacious enough for them to have their own room yet with two new additions joining them this year it was inevitable that they would have to share.

Pharm, of course, would be sharing with Dean and that inevitably meant that Team would be with Win. It had been decided easily and he hadn’t been able to come with a reason to argue against the arrangement.

The silver lining came in the form of a spare mattress that Win had managed to snag, claiming that the single bed was too small for the both of them.

“You can take the bed,” he grudgingly states to Team as soon as the younger enters. His back already aches with the prospect of sleeping on that uncomfortable lump, though it’s infinitely better than being suffocated in the closeness of the bed.

Team nods, climbing into the bed. “Good night hia.”

Instead of moving, he frowns at the bed. “You actually took it.”

The other raises an eyebrow, “you offered?”

“Yeah but a decent person would try to argue.”

“Do you want to take the bed hia?”

“Brat,” Win mutters, ignoring the smug look on the younger’s face. “No, you can have it.”

Team grins sarcastically, “great, now shut up.”

He huffs as he gets into his makeshift bed on the floor, as expected the mattress digs into his back and he holds back a groan. He should've just sucked it up and slept on the bed next to Team. It's not like it would be the first time he's ever slept next to him- a part of him is even a little confused as to why Team didn't offer to share the bed, seeing as the younger usually sleeps better with someone next to him.

It would be like before though he supposes that things are a lot different now.
........................
As much as Win had hoped, prayed, even tried to hypnosis on himself, it didn't go away.

In fact it was a downward spiral from then, a fierce and close debate yet the conclusion was always the same. He ended up in the same place he started. A full circle and thus the spiral would start again.

He didn't like him.

He was his friend. It's normal to think that your friend is objectively attractive. It's normal that his heart hurt sometimes when he looked at Team because he knew that he was a wonderful person who deserved so much more than he was given. It was empathy, nothing more.

It wasn't a crush. He was admiring who Team was.

To conclude: he didn't like him.

But then again he didn’t not like him.

Friends didn't hyperfixate on where their hands are touching, friends didn't feel bad at the idea of their friend being in love.

Most importantly, friends don't want to kiss their friends. They don't count the distance and how easy it would be to lean in and just touch, don't worry about how those lips would feel beneath his, if he would be able to taste the spice on them after Team had eaten his favourite brand on ramen that always left his lips red, puffy and tingly.

A friend wouldn't look at that and want.

Fuck did he want it. And if he wanted Team, what did they make him?
.................................................
"Did you even sleep last night?" Dean questions, sitting next to him, "you look like shit."

"Thanks," he responds dryly. He groans, arching his back as he stretches his sore back. "Couldn't sleep on that shitty mattress. It feels like I slept on rocks."

"You might as well have." The other looks at him in confusion, "I don't understand why you didn't just share the bed."

"It's too small."

"Your bed back in your dorm is smaller," Dean points out, "you two didn't have a problem there."

"That was different," he explains, "he was upset, he needed me."

"He still needs you," Dean states, "you know that right?"

Win doesn't answer immediately, letting the silence speak his doubt. "I think I'm the one who needs him."

"You both need each other," Dean replies, voice firm. "I don't understand you two, you like him, you've liked him for so long now and he likes you too." Win opens his mouth to interrupt but the other shakes his head. "Don't even argue with me, I know you know he likes you."

He pauses. "You're the first person he goes to when he's upset, not Pharm or Manaow, his best friendsbut he goes to you. And I know you've always been close to him but he's different with you. He'll always stand or sit next to you, he's always touching you, he gets jealous when you're dating other people. Fuck, you two kissed."

The words ring through his head. They aren't unknown to him, he has gone over every single one of those reasons, analysed every action and word and he knows Dean is right. He laughs, "that's probably the longest you've ever spoken."

"That's how frustrated I am," Dean emphasises. He sighs, "I want you to be happy, Win."

"Don't get sappy on me, it doesn't suit you," he jokes, overwhelmed by the sincerity behind those words. Quietly, he asks, "are you happy?"

"I am." Dean smiles, "he makes me happy."

His heart hurts at the sight but he can't help but return the smile, "I'm glad, you deserve it."

"Don't be sappy Win, it doesn't suit you."

He scoffs, "what is it with everyone using mywords against me? Should I just stop speaking?"

"Please," a voice says from behind them, "so many people would be grateful." He turns from where he's sat on the swing to see Team and Pharm behind them. "You two grandpas enjoying the view?" He asks.

"Who are you calling old Team?" Dean questions, eyes narrowing at the younger as he pulls Pharm onto his lap.

"That's the part you had a problem with?" Team asks, sitting in the small space between Dean and Win. The swing seat is definitely not made for the four of them and he prays that it pulls through. "And you are old P'Dean."

"I'm only two years older than you Team."

"See? Old."

Pharm catches Win's eyes and they both roll their eyes a little, already used to the two bickering with each other. There was a time when Team was still awkward around Dean, and the older quiet around the younger but over time the two left that behind and started bickering like brothers. Win has never seen anyone push Dean's buttons as much as Team does. It's wonderful.

"Let's go have breakfast?" Pharm asks. The reminder of food is enough to pull Team's attention away from Dean.

Win nods, standing, his back cracks as he does so and he groans at the pain. Team stares at him curiously, "Hia?"

He waves him off, "my back is a little sore, that's it."

They have breakfast together with the family. His parents applaud Pharm for his cooking who glows under their praise- he can't help but grin at how proudly Dean looks at him. Team sits next to him, fork poking around his food. "Not hungry?" He questions, leaning closer to the other.

The younger looks at him, backing away as shakes his head. "Just thinking."

"Ooh! That's new," he exclaims with mock enthusiasm. He sets his fork down. "What about?"

"How annoying you are," Team quips, frowning at him.

Win laughs, going back to his food. "At least you're thinking about me."

"I'm always thinking about you," Team confesses in a whisper, more to himself but the words ring loud in Win's ears. When he turns to look at the younger, he's back to eating his food.

He stares at this plate. Dean's words coming back to him.

He likes you.
…..……
The girl in front of him is really freaking pretty yet what captivates him is the way she pulls him closer, mouth brushing his ears and whispers, "I really want to kiss you."

He laughs, pleased. The sound of the party blurring as he holds onto one of her hands. "How about I buy you a drink first?"

Tilting her head, she comments, "the drinks are free here."

"Not here," he responds, "there's a bar near here, the drinks are pretty cheap and really good food."

"Are you asking me on a date?" She questions, lips twitching.

"Is that a problem?" He asks, learning closer, "you don't have to say yes."

"No, no it's not that-" she laughs, "I thought you just wanted to fuck."

"We can do that," he smirks, voice dropping as he whispers into her ear. "I definitely want to do that."

"Cool,' she responds, nonchalant even though Win can feel the heat on her cheeks. "Bar then yours?"

"You won't regret it," he promises.
..……….
The key to finding peace is to not befriend assholes. Better yet to not befriend anyone.

"I hate you," Win states scowling, "I really hate you." One moment he was floating, the cool water a contrast to the burning sun, minding his own business and the next he was the near victim of a drowning.

Dean, the culprit, smiled innocently as if he hadn't just given Win the fright of his life by pulling him underwater. "Seriously you asshole I thought I was in the next jaws movie."

"I wish," Dean replies, "that would be a lot more amusing than seeing you pine."

He takes a deep breath. one,two,three "You know you don't have to bring that up constantly?" He splashes the water towards Dean. "I know you're tired of seeing it but just imagine how much more tired I am."

"Honestly if he was here, I would probably just tell him how I feel right here, it can't be that hard can it? Just have to look at him and say that I like-"

Dean grins, at something behind him and Win freezes. "Hey Team."

"The weather today," he finishes, eyes not moving from where they are fixated on Dean's chest- damn maybe he should start going to the gym. He waits for the younger, body tense but stops when he realises that the grin on the other's face has only widened. He turns then only to be met with nothing.

Sighing, he whips his head back to Dean. "I hate you," he repeats. "You are going to hell." He starts to swim, going farther into the water and away from his horrible friend. "Go make out with your boyfriend," he shouts angrily.

"That's a crap comeback," Dean shouts back, "anyone would be lucky to make out with Pharm."

Win knows that. He also knows that he doesn't have any more friends which is also okay.

Some people are built for relationships( Dean and Pharm), other people are built to die alone(Win) and Team is the cause of it.

He can try to sleep and date as many people as he wants and he has, willingly and with much enthusiasm because it was the preferable form of moving on. So he did it, quite a bit.

It didn't help him move on instead it left him with a reputation that Win both hates and is thankful for. Dating people was a bit more useful. His feelings for Team never went away, instead they were pushed to the side as his feelings for whoever he was dating at the time grew. Yet they were never able to grow fully, not when his feelings for Team took up most of the space in his heart, resurfacing back up stronger each time.

He got into relationships quickly but he got out of them just as quickly.

(Win never tried to use anyone. He was honest and upfront about trying to move on and he did genuinely like the people he dated even if it was brief. Most of them were incredible people that he was still friends with. People he could have spent a long time with had his heart not been an irrational stupid thing that liked to make him suffer)

It's been nearly four years. And here he was still floating on a sea made of angst and one sided-ness.

Honestly, Win tends to spend most of his time either throwing himself a pity party or fantasising the possibilities. And sometimes, he also tends to be really stupid. Like now.

It happens like this.

Win is daydreaming again, imagining that instead that Team is right next to him, hands joined together. So when he sees the younger's face hovering above him, wet hair plastered on his head, he doesn't think before he reaches to push the hair back like he would in his daydreams because Win likes to pretend his life is romcom and not a melodrama.

It takes him an embarrassing amount of time to realise that this is not his imagination and that Team is right there in flesh staring at him with a mixture of confusion and something else that he doesn't want to focus on.

Maybe it's the heat getting to him but he stands, hand unmoving from where it's suspended next to Team's head and continues to push his hair back. "There," he says, eyes never shifting from the younger’s face, the face that is slowly but surely heating up under his gaze. "Did you want something?" Team nods. "What was it?"

The younger opens his mouth before closing it. "I, um-" he fumbles his words, seemingly struggling to remember and Win can't help the smirk that covers his face. "Hia, stop it."

"Stop what?" He questions, voice nonchalant even as his heart threatens to burst. He leans closer to the other. His eyes remain fixated on the other's lips and he swallows.

A shaky exhale leaves Team's lips and he doesn't miss the way the younger’s gaze lingers on his lips for a moment too long. It's all he needs for the fire to burn within him, adrenaline rushing through him. He trails his fingers down the side of the younger's cheek, palm caressing the soft, wet skin below his hand until his thumb is dragging itself over Team's bottom lip.

There was nothing preventing him from leaning in except the sudden harsh force of a wave knocking them both backwards and Team back to reality. "They want to play volleyball," he states, eyes not meeting Win's, "they told me to call you."

He holds his disappointment in, nodding. "Yeah let's go."

There'll be other times for him to do this but one thing was for sure: he was going to do it before summer ends. .....................................................
"We broke up," Win explains, eyes fixated on the floor.

"Oh." The rustling ceases from where Team is frozen. He looks up to glance at the younger, frowning when he realises that amongst the shock there's relief in his expression. "I'm sorry hia," he adds, "I know you really liked her."

"You don't look sorry," he points out.

"I didn't like her," Team shrugs. "I'm honestly glad that you two broke up," he adds, quieter this time as if he was an afterthought, something he didn't mean to say but slipped out.

"Why?"

Team shrugs again, he does that a lot and sometimes Win is tempted to force him to give him more than an action that speaks nothing. "does it matter hia?"

It does because most friends aren't relieved when their friend's relationship ends. It matters because a seed of hope plants itself into his heart. Even though it shouldn't. He isn't supposed to care, he is supposed to be over that.

He isn't going to water the seed today.

He wouldn't let himself hope for something new, not without mourning what he had lost.

"You're right, it doesn't."

"Why did you break up?" Team asks, as he passes Win the ice cream he brought.

"She felt that I wasn't really in the relationship."

The younger frowns, eyes furrowed as he thinks."What does that even mean?" He questions,"do you know what she means hia?"

Honestly Win hadn't, at least not when she had first told him that, mostly because he wrote it off as a random reason she came up with to end their failing relationship. He didn't even question it.

Though now as he sits on his bedroom floor, a cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream in hands, he thinks he knows what she meant. He raises his eyes to look at Team and then back down to his ice cream. "Yeah I do."

"Did you love her?"

"I don't think so," he replies honestly. "I really did like her, she's amazing, it's hard not to like her. But it didn't feel like love."

"Have you ever been in love before hia?"

"I don't know," he answers with a shrug, "have you?"

Team splutters for a second, face heating up. "Of course not!" He squeaks, swatting a hand at him, "why would you even ask that hia?" Win raises an eyebrow at the younger’s reaction. "I'm just surprised at the question," he adds, "how am I supposed to know that I'm in love if I don't even know what love is."

"You’re 16," Win replies, "you aren't supposed to know anything."

"That's true, that's for old people like you."

"I'm barely two years older than you.”

“You’re going to be an adult,” Team says, emphasising the last word. “16 year old’s know nothing and adults know everything, isn’t that how it goes?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever know anything,” Win admits, “i just go with my gut and hope for the best.”

“I would be dead if I did that,” the younger murmurs and before Win can ask him to elaborate, he changes the topic. “You want more of that?” he asks, nodding towards the bottle.

Win nods, offering his glass to Team who fills it up before going to add more to his own. “Nope,” he states, reaching over to grab the bottle, “I let you drink a little, no more. I can’t deal with you getting drunk today.”

“How do you know I’ll get drunk?” Team groans, trying to grab for the bottle. “I could have a high tolerance.”

Win gives him a look before he chugs down what’s left of the bottle.
...........................................
They don't talk about it which is not surprising at all. Growing up in Thailand meant that most people dealt with uncomfortable talks and feelings by simply not having them. The words were repressed and swept under the carpet. Win's mother however had always encouraged him to talk, she herself was honest and blunt with her feelings whereas his father was more subdued, choosing to avoid arguments unless it was absolutely necessary.

Safe to say Win took after his mother. He has never been the type of person who chose to bite his tongue- he says what he wants to, regardless of whether it's good or bad. And sometimes-most times it ends up biting him in the back but it's one thing he's good at is standing his ground. Contrary to most people, Win loves confrontation,he wouldn't go out of his way to create meaningless drama but if the opportunity called he would be willing.

It was in his nature to talk things out before his thoughts and feelings got muddled, avoiding usually left to more tanglements and Win never had the patience for those. And he was careful when it came to serious topics- he pondered over his feelings and words before he uttered them, fully knowing that saying the wrong things would only lead to more misunderstandings.

Team, on the other hand, wasn't the talking type and he definitely wasn't the type to handle his feelings well so while it bothered him to no end, he gave the younger space and pretended that the moment they shared on the sea was nothing.

Instead, he observed the way Team tried his best to steer himself away from Win at all times, how he stuck to Pharm much to the disappointment of Dean and barely spoke to the elder. Despite this, he still caught the younger glancing at him throughout the day or saw him staring into space, his fingers touching his lips absentmindedly.

"You take the bed today," Team blurts out in a rush. "I'll sleep on the floor."

Win rolls his eyes, "we'll share." He pushes the younger towards the bed, ignoring Team's protests and his surprised yelp when he hits the bed. "Trust me you don't want to sleep on that mattress."

He settles into bed next to him, arms wrapping themselves around the younger, smiling softly when Team remains tense in his arms. "Relax," he mutters, digging his nose into the younger’s neck. "You’re acting like we haven't been sleeping like this for the past few days and even years before that."

“Shut up,” Team replies, facing heating up. “I’ve had enough of you today,” he complains, shutting his eyes, “just go to sleep.”

“Alright.” He presses a fleeting kiss on the back of Team’s head. “Good night, baby,” he whispers. The younger doesn’t protest at the nickname anymore like he used to ages ago and he seemed to lean into Win’s affection more. That was probably a good sign.

He stares at Team’s side. He knows for a fact that Team hasn’t dated anyone, he can’t even recall a time when the younger had even shown interest in others. It wasn’t a topic they spoke about either, Win was a masochist but even he didn’t hate himself that much. The only reason he knew Team was straight was because he said so ages ago to someone and Win had happened to overhear the conversation. Internally, he had hope that the younger did like boys but he wasn’t going to add fuel to a fire that hadn’t even lit.

He thinks back to the moment they had on the beach, Win had nearly kissed him and by the look of Team he knew he would’ve let him- wanted him to. He could never be certain of Team’s feelings without acknowledging his own to the other.

“Hia,” he hears Team grumble, voice exasperated, “don’t be a creep.”

“You’re so much cuter when you’re sleeping,” Win replies, cringing when he realises that it does sound a little creepy. The younger opens his eyes for the sole purpose of rolling them before he shuts them again. “and nicer,” he adds with a huff.

He wonders if one of the side effects of being in love is that he’s constantly endered.
..……..
"I fucking knew it!" Dean shouts, a cacophony of words that pierce straight through head, adding to the already present pounding headache.

"Why are you loud?" He questions with a groan, dragging a pillow above his head. He sighs, face scrunching when he smells the vodka on his breath. "Better yet why are you not hungover??"

"Oh no I am," Dean corrects, grimacing at the plethora of bottles and cans strewn across the floor. "Damn how much did we drink?" He shakes his head.

"You’re awfully happy for someone with a hangover."

"It's because I was right."

Win rolls over, an eyebrow raised. "You mean because you're a petty asshole?" He rolls his eyes, groaning when he's head only hurts more. "What are you right about?"

"You like Team!"

"Yeah?" He replies, confusion staining his voice. "I thought we established this four years ago."

"No, you like him," Dean emphasises. "You told me yourself?"

"I did?"

"Why do you think you were crying?"

"I cried?"

Dean smirks, "you should've heard yourself. You cried about how cute he was and how adorable it is when he tries to act cool."

Win's never ever fucking drinking again. "I do like him but it's nothing, just a small crush."

"For two years?"

"How do you know that?"

"I don't know if you remember but when you came out to me, you said you liked someone and it wasn't that difficult to put two and two together."

"Fuck that's embarrassing," he groans, flopping back onto the bed. "Was it that obvious?"

"No, I'm pretty sure I was the only one who caught on," Dean clarifies, easing Win's embarrassment, "though I thought you got over it since you were dating."

"He's straight," he shrugs, "so I'm trying well, failing to move on." He's not looking at the other but he can feel his judgment. "What?"

"Are you sure he is straight?"

"Of course he is," Win states, "he would've told me if he wasn't."

"Have you told him?"

"No."

"And why not?"

He sighs, defeated, "I thought it would be too obvious that I like him...I get your point but I really don't want to get my hopes up."

"I am just stating facts Win," he replies, "and I know you're aware of what I'm talking about. Your friendship with Team isn't exactly the most platonic is it?"

Definitely not.

"The weird tension between you two at times, the fact that he doesn't mind when you touch him,' he lists, "the fact that you two cuddle, sleep together and he wears your clothes sometimes. And most importantly the fact that Team is comfortable around you in a way that I am with Pharm or that he never stops-."

"I get your point!" He interrupts and he does, more than Dean will ever understand because Win has spent night after night analysing every word and action. "What do I do with that?"

"You tell him." At Win's dubious expression, he adds, "look you tried to move on and that didn't work out so why don't you just tell him that you love him? Even if you get rejected you'll have an answer and will finally be able to move on instead of just hoping."

"Okay," he states, "I'll do it soon." A year counts as soon, right?

"This summer."

"What!" He exclaims, "that's in four months!"

"You've had nearly three years," Dean states. "Don't wait till it's too late to do something."

"I don't even know if I still feel the same," he confesses. He's worried honestly, with it being Team's last year the elder had been too busy to come visit him and he hadn't seen the younger in months. What if he didn't truly have feelings for him but was only holding on to the past? "And love? I don't think I love him Dean."

"Well now's your chance to figure out," Dean states, texting someone. "Go have a shower they'll be here soon." He puts his phone away, eyes scanning the mess. "I'll start cleaning."

"Team's coming?" He asks, excited.

"And Pharm," Dean adds, pulling Win out of the bed and pushing him towards the shower. "So hurry, I don't want to open the door smelling like death."

"Okay, okay," he says, grabbing a change of clothes. "There's painkillers in the drawer, help yourself."
…..……..
“I think I'm bi,” Win announces. “well no- I know I'm bi.”

Team doesn’t speak and he doesn't blame him after all Win had kind of blurted out of nowhere. He knows,with surety that the younger’s reaction won’t be negative yet he can’t help the nerves that are screaming within him in the silence.

Slowly, a smile spreads across Team’s face. “Thank you for telling me,” he states, “I’m happy for you.”

The words on any other occasion should have soothed the anxiousness within him but all he can do is swallow through the lump in his throat, nodding.

“Do you want to know how I knew?”

The younger blinks. “Sure?” he answers hesitantly before he clears his throat, “I mean yes, that is if you want to tell me.”

Normally, Win would laugh and tease him for his awkwardness, but today is not a normal day and he doubts that there will be normal days after this.

The words sit like a paperweight on his throat, simultaneously reluctant and aching to be let out. He ignores the urge to run away, ignores the sirens blaring in his head. Instead, he thinks of the boy before him, he focuses on the want he feels, the helpless and the pain of hiding how he feels.

“I fell in love,” he confesses softly, yet the words pierce through the younger like a dagger. Win watches Team stiffen, back straightening as he avoids his eyes.

“That’s great, hia.”

“Aren’t you going to ask who?” Team shakes his head but Win is persistent, “go ahead ask who Team.”

“I don’t, I don’t need to know,” he shakes his head again, “it doesn’t-”

“It doesn’t matter?” Win questions, smiling slightly though the expression lacks it’s usual warmth. “It doesn’t matter because you already know who? Right Team?"

The younger stands abruptly. "The others are waiting for us," he offers a shaky smile to Win, flinching at the hurt and disappointment that reflects in the elders eye's. "Let's go?"

Win doesn't move. "Team," he starts, voice firm. "I-"

"Please don't," the younger pleads. His fits are clenched beside him. Win stares at him straight. "Don’t say it hia."

He shakes his head, "I have to."

"No!" Team shouts, "you don't, you can't, please don't do this to me."

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

Win scoffs as he stands. "You can run away all you want, Team," he states, resignation clear in his voice, "You don't even have to say you like me back. I'm doing this for me. I need to tell you how I feel, I can't keep doing this anymore, can't keep questioning how you feel."

He steps closer. "I love you," he confesses, "and I'm not going to apologise for how I feel but I am sorry."

Team's eyes shine as he laughs, the sound wet and bitter. "What are you apologising for?"

"Because my love makes you sad," Win replies, his own eyes burning. Sometimes at night when the space next to him was empty and his heart full of yearning, he would wonder what it would be like to be with Team. He thought about how happy he could make him through his love, what it would feel like to hold him and tell me he loves him.

He never imagined a time when Team would cry because of it.

He should have as it might’ve lessened the pain of having to see the younger on the verge of tears. Honestly, he would have preferred a cruel rejection than this, he was prepared for that but this?

"Would you tell me you love me?" Team asks, "you know I don't- hia you know I like girls, you knew how this would end, why would you?"

He shrugs. "I wanted you to know how I felt," he answers, "I expected you to say no." He doesn't want Team to know that a part of him still had hope , he pushes down the frustration that wants to ask the younger why he fueled his hope and most importantly he wants to ask why he won't love him back. He doesn't though because he loves him too much.

"I thought hearing you say no would make it easier," he continues. "I thought it would hurt less because I knew you would say no," he laughs, depressingly. "I guess I was wrong, it still hurts like a bitch."

He spares a glance at Team only to find the other's pitying gaze fixed on him, his tear face covered in pain. "Please don't feel bad," he says, "it's okay. At least I'll be able to move on now right?" He says, in an attempt to soothe the other's guilt yet it backfires when the words cause the younger to cry.

Confusion and helplessness overwhelms him as tears stream down Team's red cheeks before the feelings are replaced by pure panic. His hands dab at the younger’s cheeks, eyes wide as he whispers assurances to him. "Team, Team," he calls, arms pulling him into a tight embrace, "Team, baby what's wrong? I'm fine,I'm not mad or anything I promise. Everything will be fine."

Team shakes his head, his mouth opening but he chokes on the words and Win shushes him gently. He lets the tears soak through his shirt as he rocks them lightly, arms tight around the other.

Eventually, he hears the tears subside yet he can't let go though thankfully Team doesn't seem to mind as he hasn't pushed him away yet. And because Win is selfish, he'll take what he gets even though he knows he shouldn't.

"I don't want you to move on," Team confesses into his neck, "I don't know why but the idea of you with someone else is painful."

Briefly, he wonders if Team is genuinely that ignorant to his own feelings or if he simply chooses to be. "I can't keep waiting for someone to won't be there," he answers, "it's not fair." He tries to inch away so he can see Team's face but the younger's grip on his neck is unrelenting.

"I know it's not fair which is why I won't stop you from moving on," he states weakly, "I promise I won't be selfish anymore, I won't touch you or give you false hope. Just please don't leave me."

"I'm not going to leave you Team. I just need time and space to move on." He wants to tell him that he wasn't selfish, that it was okay because Win is selfish too yet he doesn't.

"I don't want you to."

"You know I have to," Win states. "You don't even like hearing me say I love you. It's hard for me to be around you, it physically hurts me to pretend I don't love you."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't understand you Team," he tells him, "I don't know what you want."

"I don't know either," the younger whispers. Win tries to let go again but Team holds him tighter. "Just let me have this, hia," he pleads, "just for another moment."

Win agrees easily. He closes his eyes and pretends that this is not a goodbye for a while, that he lives in a world where he loves Team and Team loves him back.
………..
“Missed me?” WIn questions, grinning as he hugs Team back.

“Missed my tutor,” the younger mumbles, “I’m failing so many classes.”

“He’s not failing at anything,” Pharm corrects stepping into the room. He waves to Win, “for some reason he acts like he can’t do anything without you.”

“Is it an act though?” Dean questions. "Now if you two are done, can we go?"

"We would’ve gotten here a lot quicker if you and Pharm weren’t too busy sucking faces in the car,” Team bites, reluctantly untangling himself from the elder so he can put his shoes on. He falls back onto WIn’s bed, sighing at how soft it feels.

Win firmly keeps any thoughts away as he grabs his shows. Next to him Pharm sighs, “not the time for you to take a nap Team.”

“Leave him,” Dean states, hand patting Pharm’s head affectionately, “he’s just trying his new bed,” he turns to Win, smirking slightly, “he’ll spend most of his nights here anyway.”

"Can we go?" He questions, already opening the door and ushering Pharm out. He pinches Dean as he pushes him, telling him to start the car as he turns back to the lump on his bed. "Team?"

"I'm coming," the younger answers, stretching as he forces himself out of the bed. He eyes Win's hoodie, staring at it for a moment before making his decision as he puts it on. "I'm cold," he supplies, burrowing into the warmth and inhaling the scent.

"Been here for a minute and you're already stealing my clothes," Win complains with fake annoyance- he would be the last person to complain about such a thing. It's not like he wears his hoodies a lot, he always runs hot. The reason he bought them in the first place was because he knew that Team got cold easily and seeing as the younger spent most of his nights at Win's he had thought it would be helpful if he had a few that the younger could borrow. And now he mostly wears them when he finds himself missing the younger.

Team stops in front of him, a hand on the door as he thinks. He turns to Win before wrapping his arms around the elder again. "Hia I really missed you," he whispers into the crook of his neck.

He leaves before Win can say it back.
....................................
He spends the night there and by the time dawn greets him, the numbness disappears and in its absence leaves behind reality.

Dean finds him there and sits next to him. He doesn’t speak, nor does he offer any words of comfort and for that Win is grateful. They sit there, eyes staring at the sunset. It's beautiful yet it only adds to his despair.

"I got rejected." He huffs, "there's a first time for everything I guess."

He pointedly keeps his gaze on the sky in an attempt to avoid any pity. "I'm trying to make light of it," he continues, "but its too fucking early for that. I feel like an idiot. I guess I am one for being in love with him and now I have to move on from something that never was mine in the first place."

"It fucking stings. My entire being hurts but all I can think about is how much I still want him," he mumbles, uncaring of whether Dean is even listening to him. "God I'm an idiot," he pulls at his locks, groaning, "I can't even be mad at him and I should be, he definitely led me on here and there and maybe it was unconsciously but now I'm stuck here like this. I hate it."

He turns to Dean. "Why couldn't he love me back? Would make my life so much easier" He whispers the question to the other, eyes vulnerable. Internally, he chastises himself for being so weak and dramatic.

There's a frown on Dean's face and his fists are clenched and that's enough for Win to understand that he's mad. A wave of gratitude passes over him as he looks at the other.

"Some things are just not meant to be," He replies, the words are too cliché to be coming from Dean's word but then again what does one say in this case.

"You thought we were," he remarks without thinking.

Dean's jaw clenches, "I was wrong."

He reaches out to pat at the other's thigh. "As I said there's a first for everything," he smiles, "I fell in love, got rejected and you were wrong."

"I think mine is worse," Dean quips. Win gives him a look, "because that means you were right."

He huffs, "what are you talking about? I'm always right!" Dean raises an eyebrow. "Fine mostly right."

"Don't do anything stupid-"

"I'm not going to fight anyone," the other states as he rolls his eyes. "Even though I think it is well deserved."

"He did nothing wrong," Win emphasises with a shrug, "I can't fault him for not feeling the same."

"Leading you on is wrong," Dean refutes scowling. "And don't try to defend him or I'll fight you."

He appreciates the sentiment. Despite his mostly disinterested expression, Dean is one of the most protective and caring people he's ever met.

However, he is not entirely sure that Team did lead him on. A part of him rationalises that whether intentionally or not some of the younger's actions could be counted as leading him on. Yet on the other hand all these actions could have been innocent, platonic and only seem otherwise because of him protecting his feelings onto them.

Maybe he was only seeing and hearing things he wanted to see.

Because as much as there were days where Team would grab his hand first, there were days when the younger could care less about his presence when they were outside.

There were days when Team would stay over, claiming that he couldn't sleep without Win holding him and when the elder questioned why he hadn't just gone to Pharm's house which was closer, he would repeat his words and Win's heart would soar at the implications. But then he would go on and whisper a confession about the girl he likes. And Win would smile, ignoring how his heart would crash and burn at the words, and tell him to go for it because only an idiot would reject Team.

I don't want you to move on.

"This reminds me," he starts, in a trivial attempt to distract himself. "You don't have to pick a side between me or Team. You're going to spend time with him and I need you to not be petty for my sake."

"I'm on your side."

He pinches his nose, exasperated. "I literally just said that you don't-"

"I know," Dean interrupts, "I'm still on your side, always on your own side."

"That's sweet," he replies as he leans closer, a hand reaching out to feel Dean's forehead, "are you okay?"

"Screw you," Dean states, swatting his hand away. "If you weren't so insufferable I would be nice to you more often."

Win grimaces. "I don't want you to be nice. That goes against the foundation of our friendship."

"Goes against what?"

"The foundation," Win repeats with an eye roll. "You know how some friendships are built on kindness? Yeah that's not us. It's weird when you're nice to me."

"God you're ungrateful," Dean mutters. "Next time you get rejected I'm going to tell you that you deserved it."

"Next time?"

The other tilts his head. "What? You thought this would be a one time occurrence?"

He huffs. "There won't be a next time because I am never, ever going to like someone again."

"Right."

"I'm serious," he highlights, pointing a finger at Dean. "If I ever start to like someone again just shoot me."

"Gladly," Dean nods, agreeing easily. He dusts off the sand stuck to his shorts as he stands. "Though, I'm pretty sure your mother would shoot both of us if we're late for breakfast. "

He laughs, "she wouldn't do shit to you, she loves you more than me."

"And I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise that so come on."

"Does it matter?" He asks as he joins Dean. "You'll blame it on me anyway."

Win casts a final look at the sea behind them.

I don't want you to move on, I don't want you to move on, I don't want you to move on.

"Dean," he calls, getting a hum of acknowledgement in response, "I'll get over this right?"

Dean nods, voice firm and certain when he replies. "You'll move on.

The sea shines behind him as the bright rays of the sun twinkle in the water. It still looks nice.

Whenever Win thought about confessing, he was under the illusion that it would be a life changing decision. Yet as he stares into the same sea that he had seen multiple times, he realises that not much has changed. Perhaps his life would've changed had his feelings been shared. His life would still be the same, no one would know what had happened, if he wanted he could make it a bad dream and that's it.

He was going to be fine.