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With the curtains finally drawn, light rushed into the room illuminating a dejected Lan Sizhui. Jin Ling looked down at the older man who refused to make eye contact. It was almost like he was pouting. But, Ling desired to connect with him, -- for his words to reach him. His long dark-brown hair drifted down, -- almost grazing Sizhui’s chest.
The one below him didn’t say a word, which was normal for him. But, this time, something was clearly different. He seemed to hold some kind of internal frustration that he just could not find words to express. Sizhui was pale, and sickly; -- his mind seemed to have lost its light.
But, Jin Ling kept speaking, in a low voice, to him, “Listen: Honestly, I think you’re a bastard for doing this to my heart. You are always so good to others; but, now you can’t even take care of yourself. Don’t you think I see what you’re doing? This self sabotage bullshit! -- You better not run away from me, now. I’ve come all the way here, just for you, and you go on to ignore me?”
Sizhui looked off to the side, his eyes none-too-focused. He acted almost as if he hated Jin Ling, in that moment. His eyebrows were semi-furrowed. It was as if he had no heartbeat, at all, he was so still. His slightly wavy black hair flowed along his clothed chest as he laid, almost lifelessly, his back against the flatness of his bed. Jin Ling climbed on top of him, grabbing a ball of his white outer robe.
“Listen, here: You better tell me what’s going on, or I swear I’m going to return here, every day, to interrogate you.”
The paler than usual man’s face lifted, and trembled, not out of anger but weakness. He appeared upset, frustrated, even. “Don’t.” He replied, despite himself. “Stop this…” He weakly pushed the other man, to the side, with his weak hand. Jin Ling grabbed the other’s wrist, and pulled him up, closer, by it.
Sizhui almost went limp, but he gazed up into the other’s almond-colored eyes, now, squinting. He was like a follower, in a dance, having been dipped. His shoulders were relaxed back, his chin jutted upward, as he was barely able to keep his head up. His arm was extended as if he were being prepared for the next move.
“Stop. This.” He demanded, again.
“Dammit, the more years that pass the more you sound like your father…”
“Enough. Leave.”
“No.”
“... Release me.”
“I refuse.”
“Please… Go…”
“No.”
The sick man’s expression became petulant and he weakly fought against Jin Ling’s hold. He almost growled, the salted sweat heatedly falling down his skin. His greyish eyes looked crazed, lost, scared, and confused. He shook his head, his bottom lip both trembling beneath and displacing his upper lip. “Why… Not?”
Jin Ling released the other man’s arm, but only after putting his own arm behind the man’s lower back as to not drop him completely. For as much as Sizhui liked to eat, he was still quite thin and light, as it were. “Because you’re my fucking friend, dumbass.”
“...”
“I… I mean…” After laying him down, gently onto his bed, Jin Ling moved his face closer to the other’s. He held Sizhui’s cheeks intimately within his hands, making sure the weak male was able to see him as he spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“... Didn’t know what to say…”
“Then, you need to learn to rely on others. You taught me that. You did so much for me that I don’t even know all the things you’ve done. Once, it was only me, Uncle, and Fairy. Now, it’s you, me, them, and even Jingyi. And, you better not leave me alone with only that bastard as my peer. I’m taking your ass with me to the fucking grave, do you hear me?”
Sizhui’s eyebrows loosened up, a little, as he let out a meek chuckle. His lips were dry, and just then was the first time he seemed to notice. He licked them, and shook his head. “Don’t speak so candidly…” He forced the words out, a myriad of feelings mixing within his chest.
“Hah. So, you can laugh. Good. Now…” Ling didn’t think he would get as far as he had. So, he just continued to awkwardly sit on Sizhui’s lap, trying to figure out what to say next.
The darker haired man reached up, pulling his aggressor down, by his neck, bridging the small gap. (-- If they had not been so close, already, he may have not been able to do so.) “Thank you… But… This is no good…” He said much quieter than he’d already been struggling to speak. His voice resonated within Ling’s ear canal.
“W-what’s no good?” Ling sputtered, resisting his desire to fully lay his upper half on the other.
“It’s like you’re proposing to me…” He laughed then coughed. It sounded as if he were on the brink of dying.
“ . . . -- How did this happen to you?” Ling asked, resting his head on the other’s shoulder, worried of crushing him (despite being smaller in stature). “How did your golden core start to lose its light?”
“... Thoughts of the past… They kept coming back… And no one was around…”
“I was around!”
“ I couldn’t say anything... They hurt too much… The thoughts of my family…”
“... What? Do you mean -- . . .”
“Please, listen… I’m not really a Lan…”
“W-wha--,”
“Please listen!”
“?????!” Jin Ling’s eyes opened, wider; but, he pursed his lips letting the other’s shaky hold assure him that silence was the best answer.
“I just need time… To process…”
“... Why can’t it be with me?”
“Because, it can’t.”
Jin Ling was about to say something more, but Sizhui released his arms, and laid all the way back down, eyes looking away.
“Please leave, Jin Ling. I want to be by your side… But, inside, I’m a mess. I’m sorry.”
Jin Ling wanted to fight it; He wanted to yell. But, out of fear of further rejection… He left. He gathered himself, and started to move away. Now, even the physical distance between them was becoming greater. Before he finally exited the beautifully, sparingly decorated room, he briefly turned around.
Standing in the doorway, he spoke. “If you truly want to reject me, then do it properly. When you’re better. I won’t listen to you, while you are trying to ruin your own life. I’m coming back, tomorrow, with Jingyi. We’ll be here every day until you are better. And, in a few weeks, when you turn 21, we will celebrate with you. So, be ready. Even if you can only open your eyes, by the time we get here, have your damned eyes open. I’ll see you later, you fucker.”
Then, Ling slammed the door and huffed off. From the outside, a dog could be heard happily barking, and a shadow quickly dashed past Sizhui’s window. Eyes wide open, Sizhui nervously laughed. “O-oh…” Was all he could muster. “S-see you, then…” He mumbled to the already escaped Jin Ling. He’d almost forgotten he had people who knew him so well. He coughed, and closed his eyes.
His body felt gross and covered in sweat. Maybe, just maybe, with good people by his side, he would be able to heal, properly. Before, when he had lost all hope, he’d forgotten what life was like before. He felt extremely lucky he didn’t successfully discard one of his dearest friends.