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Tommy leans back in his field of goldenrods and memories, staring up at the sky, watching as flocks of birds soar throughout the pale blue. This place, the void as Wilbur calls it, isn't really all that bad. It could arguably be worse, and Tommy is thankful that it's not. He isn't sure if he could handle this place being worse, he doesn't think he could handle anything different than what he's got right now. Being dead is difficult, it's not nearly as easy as everyone made it out to be. It's exhausting and tiring and it hurts like a bitch all the time, and Tommy doesn't know if that's just a fluke or not, but considering how both Wilbur and Schlatt feel the same as him, he doubts it. Tommy stares at the sky, watching as the clouds slowly move. It's nice out here, it's the nicest place in the entire void, and Tommy really can't help but boast about that, since this place apparently didn't exist before him.
"Hey, golden boy," Wilbur's voice rings out from above him, and a second later, Tommy sees him looming over him. Tommy flips him off, sticking out his tongue as he grins up at his older brother. Wilbur isn't the same man as he used to be, and Tommy assumes that it's because of him being dead for years. Although it hasn't been more than six months since Wilbur's death in the world of the living, it's been so much longer here. It's both funny and awful, it's terrible but sort of ironically fitting, and Tommy can't help but wonder how long it's been since he died. Since he was killed. Since he was murdered. "You doing good down there?" Wilbur asks, moving to sit next to him, dragging up one leg to his chest, kicking the other one out. "How's being dead treating you?"
Tommy laughs, closing his eyes as he feels the spring air move over him, ruffling his hair. It's nice here, it's really, really nice. Tommy doesn't think he'd mind staying dead so long as he got to stay here for the whole time. It's not nearly as bad as it could be, and Tommy is unbelievably appreciative of that. He would like to think that Wilbur is, too. "It's been fine," he answers, waving a hand. He stares at the clouds, wondering if this place is actually real or not. It's hard to tell if being in the void and being with Wilbur and Schlatt is just an illusion that his mind's put up, or if it's actually all real. Tommy still isn't entirely sure, and he really doesn't think that he'll ever be sure. "How've you been? You haven't come to see me for the past couple of days." Tommy has learnt that he's bound to his part of the void, that this is where he's supposed to spend his afterlife. Apparently, it had been the same for both Schlatt and Wilbur, but they managed to move away from their parts of the void the more that time passed here.
Wilbur hums, tilting his head back, closing his eyes. The sun catches his face, a soft golden colour washing over his skin and hair. "I know," Wilbur admits, his voice low. "It's because I know something's going to happen to you soon, and I don't want it to," he murmurs. Tommy sits up so quickly that his head spins and he feels sick to his stomach, but he ignores all of that, opting to just stare at Wilbur, eyes huge and his mouth hanging open. "You're going back home soon, Tommy. I'm not sure when," Wilbur looks over at him, an exhausted smile on his lips. "But it's going to be soon. And I know that I said you weren't supposed to be here, and you're not, but.." he trails off, looking away, looking back up at the sky. "I've missed you. I'm selfish, I'm really selfish, Tommy, and I know that," he chuckles, ducking his head. "I know what I'm like, and that's dangerous."
"Will?" Tommy blinks, pushing himself off of the ground, feeling the goldenrods go with him. He's long since stopped trying to brush them off, to clear himself of the flowers - there's no point, they always come back, anyways. "What do you mean I'm going home?" He asks, leaning back on his heels, crossing his arms tightly against his chest, feeling panic settle into his heart. "Do you mean that I'm..that I'm not going to be here anymore?" Tommy frowns, screwing up his face at the thought of what Wilbur's implying. "That I'm going to be alive again? That I'm not going to be..that I'm not going to be dead anymore?" Wilbur smiles up at him, standing up a second later. He opens his arms, and as soon as Tommy moves forwards, he cries out in pain. "Wilbur?"
Wilbur murmurs something that Tommy can't quite pick up, wrapping his arms around him. Tommy winces, squeezing his eyes shut. It feels like he's being ripped apart, he feels like he's dying all over again, everything is spinning and he feels sick and awful and horrible and fuck he's going to die all over again this is the worst feeling of his entire life he's going to die he's going to die he's going to die he's going to d-
"Breathe, Tommy," Wilbur's voice stills him, it reminds him of where he is and that he can still breathe. It hurts so badly, everything fucking hurts so badly, but he can still breathe, he can still breathe. "It's okay. I didn't..fuck, okay," Wilbur's voice is a little panicked, a little hitched up, and it makes Tommy want to panic, too. "You're going to go back home, okay, Tommy? You're gonna go back home. You weren't meant to be here anyways, golden boy," Wilbur lets out a breathy laugh, one that's so unbelievably fake. He used to be a better actor than this, Tommy thinks to himself. "Thank fuck you're finally leaving here, you annoying little shit."
"Fuck you," Tommy laughs, feeling tears spring up into his eyes as he clutches at his older brother, desperately trying to hang on to him. "Are you ever going to come back?" He asks, biting back another hiss of pain that threatens to break free from his lips. "Will? Are you ever going to..be alive again?" Wilbur laughs, cupping the back of his head, and Tommy feels his entire world shatter in front of him, muffling a scream by burying his face in Wilbur's arm.
"No, I don't think so. But you're about to live once again, golden boy," Wilbur tells him, sounding like he's smiling. "What did I tell you, Tommy? You weren't supposed to be here. The world's finally figured it out, huh?" Wilbur laughs, sighing immediately after. "Be safe out there, okay? I'm still proud of you, no matter what happens. Make sure to keep your head on, yeah? You know what to do, you know what's right. I'll talk to you later, okay, Tommy? Love you."
"Okay, Will," Tommy whispers, sobbing because of the pain, sobbing because everything hurts, sobbing because he's going to die all over again so he can live, and he doesn't know why he knows that, but he does. "Love you too, dickhead."
"Yeah," Wilbur squeezes him, patting his back a few times. "You know that I do. Be safe, you annoying fucking child."
And then the world rips him in half, and Tommy can't stop screaming.
Being alive, Tommy learns, is somehow a lot easier than being dead.
He sits in the willow tree that sits on the outskirts of his graveyard, the one with Wilbur in it. He looks at their graves, his unbroken, Wilbur's filled with cracks and breaks in the stone. Tommy is going to have to fix that, he's going to have to repair Wilbur's headstone. Wilbur deserves better than that, and since Tommy is alive again, he can make that happen. He was terrified of being revived in that fucking prison cell with him, but when Tommy woke up, he saw the sky. He had moved, feeling weak and hurt, feeling like he was dead all over again, but he wasn't. He had sat up and felt the goldenrods around his grave stick to him, but this time when he brushed them off of him, they actually fell to the ground. Being alive is a lot easier than being dead, and he doesn't think he'd ever be able to describe it - it feels like he can actually breathe again, even though when he was dead he could breathe perfectly fine.
Tommy sighs, dragging his legs up to his chest, resting his head on his knees as he watches the wind blow over the wildgrasses and flowers around his and Wilbur's graves. He isn't entirely sure why he hasn't left this place, but he assumes that it has to do with him being terrified to go anywhere else. L'manberg is gone, the vines from the Egg are scattered throughout the entirety of the world, other than this place, it seems. Tommy thinks that being here by his grave, by the place where he rested for a couple of days or months or however long, is a little bit nicer than being in L'manberg, the place where he had to watch his best friend die. Tommy looks up at the sky, shivering a little as he watches a flock of birds, real birds, move across it. Tommy remembers it being autumn when he died, so he assumes that it hasn't been that long since he was revived, considering how the leaves of the trees are still orange and red and gold, and most of them are still falling off.
He isn't sure, though. Tommy needs to find out soon, because he doesn't think he needs to continue worrying all the time about how long he was dead and gone for. Peace of mind is important, he's learnt over the years, especially when it involves confirming how long you were fucking dead for. Tommy sits a little straighter when he hears someone's boots crunch on leaves, shifting back, hiding himself within the leaves of the willow tree. He perches on the branch, careful to not make any noise. Tommy watches as Techno walks into the clearing. His hair a mess, his eyes exhausted. Tommy can see the bags under his eyes all the way from over here, and although he isn't sure why, it makes his heart hurt. Techno kneels down before he sits, resting one leg against his chest, setting his head down on his knee. "Hey, Tommy. Figured I'd come out and say hello again," Techno starts, and Tommy can't help but stare at the man. Again? There was a time before this? There were times, plural, before this? Techno's been coming out to visit him? "I'm..there isn't much to say other than that I'm still sorry."
Tommy blinks.
Techno is sorry.
Techno is sorry? When the fuck has Technoblade ever been sorry? Tommy can't remember a time where Techno ever said the words "I'm sorry, Tommy" to him. He can't remember a time where Techno ever apologised to anyone ever, and he's known the man for a pretty decent amount of time, he'd say. "Still love you, too. Figured that you've heard that more than enough, 'cause I say it all the time that I come out here, but I..I'm just..tryin' to make up for what I didn't say when you were alive. You deserved to hear it when you were alive. I..I love you, Tommy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Tommy, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry, I just..I don't know how to.." Tommy feels his heart being strangled in his chest, Techno's words ringing in his head over and over and over again.
I love you.
Tommy breathes out, feeling like he's being killed all over again with how uncertain and terrified and weird he feels. Techno never said anything this nice to him ever when he was alive. Techno tried to kill him multiple times, Techno tried to murder him over and over again. Techno killed Tubbo, and he never said sorry, not that Tommy heard. "Anyways," Techno clears his throat, looking around, but not over his shoulder, thank the fucking lord. "I don't know what else to say," he laughs, ducking his head, sounding so unbelievably hurt and tired. "I just want you to know that I'm still sorry. That I still love you," he's silent for a few moments, which feel like whole years. "I really hope that, um, wherever you are, you're happy. I hope you're doin' okay, Tommy. I hope that the afterlife is treatin' you well, 'cause you deserve it more than anyone else. I hope to god that you're doin' okay wherever you ended up. It's the least the world can give you after fuckin' you over a thousand times."
Techno stands, a puff of air escaping his lips. "I'll, um, I'll talk to you later, okay, Tommy? I'll come back, I..I know that I said I wouldn't, but you deserve people comin' out to visit you. It's not fair if everyone just ignores you, even now. I'm sorry, I- I'm so sorry that it..that it.." Techno trails off, sounding broken. "That it took me so long to realise that I was wrong. To realise that I cared about you. That it took your death to make me realise that I was wrong, that I loved you, that I..all of that. You..you deserve better, Tommy. You deserved better. The world should have never done this to you. I should have never done this to you. Um, yeah, okay. I'm gonna go. Love you, Tommy. Stay golden for me."
And then he's gone, wandering away in silence, tears trailing down his face, though Tommy can barely see them in the dim lighting of early morning. Tommy leans back in his tree, furrowing his eyebrows together, feeling like he's drowning, feeling like he's dying all over again. Techno loves him, he's sorry, he admitted that he was in the wrong, he said all of the things that he should have said when Tommy was alive.
But Tommy is alive, and Techno said all of those things. Maybe not to his face, maybe not directly to him, but they were meant for him. After all, Techno was sitting at his grave and saying all of these things. Tommy breathes out, feeling something sort of like happiness settle in his chest as he looks up at the sky, a soft smile working its way onto his face.
People still actually do care about him. They still love him, they still miss him, they're saying sorry.
Who knew, Tommy thinks to himself as he feels both bitterness and joy settle in his chest, that it only took his death for people to become human again.
Tommy has decided that staying in his graveyard with Wilbur is a hell of a lot easier than going back to the real world and facing very real people. He talks to Wilbur a lot, figuring that maybe the dead fucker can hear him, but he isn't all that hopeful. Either way, it's nice to talk to someone who he knows exists but who can't talk back to him. Tommy sits in his tree, back resting against a branch, his legs propped up as he makes grand motions and talks with his hands, even though Wilbur can't see or hear him. Tommy drones on and on about things that he's learnt just by listening in on the people who come and visit him, and what he's figured out on his own.
Techno, Tubbo, Ranboo, and Puffy are the ones who come to visit him often. Niki, Jack, and Phil will sometimes stop by, but none of them have said much to him or his grave, though it isn't like they know that he's actually there. Tommy isn't sure if it's cruel of him to let them all think that he's dead, but a part of him knows that as soon as they all learn that he's alive, they'll stop caring. Techno will stop telling him that he loves him, Niki and Jack will stop realising that they fucked up big time by trying to kill him every other day. Everyone will go back to hating him, to making him the poster child of bad news, and Tommy doesn't want that to happen, not yet. He isn't sure if he could deal with it if it were to happen, not this soon.
He'll reveal himself to them. Just not right now. Maybe in another week, maybe in two weeks, he isn't sure. He doesn't want to do it soon, he just wants to be able to hear the words that he never got to hear when he was alive and everyone knew it. Tommy sighs, looking up at the pale blue sky, watching as the sun starts to rise from a crack in the forest. There's a split in the middle of it that doesn't have any trees, and it's a place where the sun can shine right through the middle of the forest without a break. Tommy always thought it was pretty, and he thinks that he still does.
Tommy flinches at the sound of crinkling leaves and soft murmurs, turning his head to look over at who's decided to come and visit him and his headstone today. Tommy's eyes widen, nearly comically, at the sight of two people rather than one. He's gotten so used to only one person at a time coming out to visit him, and he figured that's how it always would be, considering how most of his friends fucking hated each other. Tubbo and Techno sit at his grave, together, and as soon as they do, they go silent. Tommy shifts, watching them carefully, not entirely sure of what he's supposed to be feeling. Tubbo and Techno hate each other, or Tommy thought that they did. Maybe his dead really has changed everyone for the better.
"Sort of miss him," Tubbo murmurs, his voice low and soft and raspy, sounding like it hasn't been used in months. "I mean- obviously I miss him, that's not what I was saying, I just.." he sighs, trailing off. Tubbo tilts his head back, tears sparkling in his eyes. "He's a stupid son of a bitch, and I'm really fucking mad at him all the time, and I shouldn't be 'cause it isn't his fault, but I am. He wasn't supposed to die, he wasn't supposed to be the one between all of us to die. Should have been me," Tubbo whispers, digging his fingernails into the dirt. "Should have been me."
"Probably," Techno agrees, sounding exhausted, but that's not new - he always sounds exhausted, even before Tommy's dead. Even before they thought he was actually dead and gone. "It should have been me, too, but it wasn't," he sighs, tapping his fingers against the ground. "There's not any point in thinkin' that it should've been you when it wasn't. Just takes the spotlight off the dead," Techno laughs, darkly. "Though it isn't like Tommy really needs another spotlight. He always had one pointed on him, and he still does. The sun only shines on his grave, have you noticed that? It doesn't even shine on Wilbur's, just his. He really was the hero, huh?"
Tubbo laughs, sounding so unbelievably drained that it hurts Tommy's heart. "He still is. Just 'cause he's dead doesn't mean he isn't," Tubbo sighs. "If anything, it just makes him more of a hero, doesn't it? I don't know anything about mythology or folklore or whatever, but I think that in all of those stories, you could replace your Theseus and Hercules and Odysseus with Tommy, and they'd still make sense. He's just.." Tubbo sighs again. "I've got no words to describe him, not really. Tommy is just Tommy, that's all there is to say, I think. I don't know if that makes sense, but it makes sense to me."
"It makes sense," Techno assures him. "To me, he's gold. He's always been gold, he always will. He's just-"
"I'm gold, huh?"
As soon as the words leave his mouth, Tommy swears to god that he feels the world stop spinning from right underneath his feet. Techno and Tubbo snap their heads back towards him, and Tommy raises a hand, waving as a grin stretches across his face, feeling his heart pound in his chest, feeling his head scream at him. He shouldn't have said anything, not so suddenly, but he couldn't help it, and then he had already opened his mouth and the words came out, and now it's already too late to change anything.
"You.."
"Tommy?"
Tommy jumps down from his tree, landing on his feet with ease. "Me," he confirms. "Hey, Tubbo. Hey, Techno. I'm..uh, I'm not dead?" He offers, feeling his chest tighten. This was a mistake, this had to have been a mistake, there's no way that they're actually going to-
Tommy gasps out in surprise when he feels two bodies crash into him, wrapping their arms around him. Tommy laughs, feeling tears start to form in his eyes, feeling like he's already going to cry just from a simple fucking hug. "You're alive, oh my god, you're..you're alive, holy shit, you're alive, you're okay, you're..you're.." Tubbo trails off, sounding shocked and scared, like Tommy could disappear in an instant. "How? I thought- Sam told me- he said that he saw- that he..that you were.."
"You really thought death could take me, huh?" Tommy moves back, keeping his hands on the both of them, a part of him terrified that if he lets go, they'll disappear. "I'm here," Tommy whispers, feeling his heart soar up into his throat. "I'm okay, I'm right here. I'm alive," Tommy beams at them both, locking eyes with Tubbo first, then Techno. They're all crying, both of them are sobbing, and Tommy swears to god that he's going to cry, too. "Hey?" He swallows, putting on his best smile. "I love you guys, too. You really thought you could get rid of me, huh? Nah, I'm- I'm this thing that they call immortal, I'm just too cool to die, it's-"
"Shut up," Techno pulls him close to his chest, and Tubbo follows. Tommy laughs, unable to care about being interrupted, because they still care. They still care. "I'm so glad you're here, I'm so glad you're okay. You're okay, you're alive, you're.." Techno trails off, his voice shaky and unstable. "I'm never goin' to let you die again," Techno promises him, sounding entirely serious. "Never." The promise, even though Tommy knows that promises are bullshit, feels so unbelievably true. Tommy thinks that if he tried, he could probably believe it.
"Me neither," Tubbo adds on, his voice a tired whisper. They all sound so exhausted, yet happy at the same time. "You're here to stay, okay, big man?"
Tommy laughs, holding his best friend and his sort-of older brother, letting himself be held back. "Okay. I got it. I didn't plan on going anywhere, anyways. I.." he swallows, wondering if it's worth it to say the words that he wants to. "I love you. Both of you. Yeah, even you, Technoblade, even though you're a huge dickhead and I would punch you if I could, I s-"
"Love you too," Techno laughs. "Love you too."
"Same here," Tubbo murmurs into his arm. "I love you too, Tommy. Always will."
"Always have." Techno adds on a second later.
So Tommy stands there being held by two people who he loves more than he thought he could ever love, and he thinks that he's the happiest that he's ever been in a long, long time.