Work Text:
Charles read in some online post that writing letters, or posts or notes to someone who had already passed away was a good way of dealing with grief and that it usually helped to feel that person was still close to you. It said that it gave you the feeling you were talking to that person. So he tried to give it a try and write a small Instagram post for his dad's birthday, nothing to deep since it will be the first time he was doing it, but he wanted to do it.
He wanted to have that feeling everybody on that post talked about it. He wanted to talk to his dad, at least once more.
He selected a photo of his dad he really liked after looking at photos of him in his phone for half an hour.
He saw photos of his dad's childhood, of him and his mom when they were young and in love, he saw the photos of him with his dad in his early childhood. When he took him to his first race, when they watched the Monaco GP together for the first time, lots of photos in karting and garages, but also Charle's first day of school, when his brother was born, family dinners, weekend trips and watching tv on top of his dad in the living room couch when he was a child.
He used all his strength to keep the tears from rolling down his cheeks.
Damn he really missed his smile.
So after some minutes to gather himself, he opened instagram and started typing the caption:
"Joyeux anniversaire Papa
I wish you were here, we miss you
I wish you were still here so I could tell you all that's been going on in my life,
so I could tell you how much Arthur has grown up and how he's doing in racing
and how Lorenzo's company has been having a lot of success
And how mom is finally being her old self again , I think you'd be proud of us
I wish I could tell you how much I've grown up since you've been gone
Remember I told you I'd race at F1? I'm at Ferrari now
I'm fulfilling Jules' dream, your dream
Our dream, dad
I've won races, dad.
F1 races
And you and Jules have always been with me, at every race, and every podium
No only imprinted in my helmet, but in my heart
I wish I could tell you about the friends I have now,
turns out F1 isn't the terrible hostile world everyone thinks it its
and that there are other drivers, other boys who are nice and are my friends
I wish you could see the paddock family we have
I wish I could tell you how Seb took me under his wing,
or how I've found a good friend in Lando with whom I play CoD along with Alex and George,
and how Pierre has been the best best friend I could ever wish for; he held me for nights and nights while I mourned you, just as I hold him when he was mourning Anthoine
I wish you could meet them, I think you'd like them as much as I do
I wish I could tell you how Jules saved my life again
how after his terrible accident the FIA took new safety measures,
measures that saved my life, when that halo, Jules' halo, saved me in Spa
and that he is the reason I'm still here, so please, hug him for me
I wish you could still come to races with me
and you could hug me after the race and congratulate me if I had won or hold me a bit tighter if not
I wish we could still have all those roadtrips together to each race, or plane rides now
I wish I could still fall asleep with my head on your shoulder when I'm tired after a race
I wish I could tell you how now im able to take care of mom
how she has everything she needs and more, except you
how I can support Arthur's career like Jules did for me,
and how I try to be at every single one of his races, like you were at mine
I wish I could tell you that I have a girlfriend now
I love her so much and I think she loves me too
and if she'll have me, I'm gonna marry her one day, dad.
but most of all, I wish I could tell you you're going to be a grandpa in a few months. You'd be so happy
I wish you could be here to see him or her grow up
and you could take the baby to buy ice cream, just like we did when I was a kid
so we could teach him together about races
so he could love you as much I love you
I wish I could tell you how I see life from a different perspective now, dad
everything you used to say to me, now makes sense
I've learned to live everyday as it was my last,
because you never now when it'll be your last
I wish I could tell you how even though I always watched you cook me that pasta I loved,
I've never managed to cook it as good as you did it
I wish I could show you my new house and invite you to watch soccer games here and share a beer
I wish I could hug you once more, dad
You teached me a lot of things in my life, dad,
yet you never teached me how to live without you
how to live without your smiles, without your hugs and advices when I need it the most
I think I will never learn that
I wish you were still here, even though I can feel that you still are
I know that you are looking out for me, mom and my brothers
Say hi to Jules for me, hug him for me
and I'll hold mom, Arthur and Lorenzo a bit tighter the next time I see them for you
bye dad, I hope I'll talk to you soon”
Love, Charles
Charles wasn't sure at what point the tears had started to run down his face, but now he wasn't able to stop.
He did it, he felt once again he was talking to his dad.
It was beautiful and heart ripping at the same time, how it had felt so real, yet he knew it would never happen. Yet he felt a bit more in peace.
At the end, he copied the caption and send it to the number that used to be his dad's that they still kept, it was too personal to post it on instagram
At the end he only posted the first two lines, the world knew he missed his dad, yet they didn't need to see this letter. This was just for him and his dad, this conversations he was now planning on making a habit would be only theirs
This definitely only the start of this letters