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Neil was broken. More mentally broken than physically broken. But still, he was broken. He knew that. Because he was Neil Josten and he had been through some real shit in his life. And everything that had happened, every new name, new bruise, new place had changed the boy he once used to be. Drastically. But Neil knew that. And it didn't bother him. It never did. He was used to it and he could deal with it. He could lock away it all and move on.
After Riko's death, he really could move on. Nathan dying had started his process in moving on. But Riko's death really secured it. Really sealed that door and allowed him to start thinking for his future. Because he had thought he wouldn't make it past May. And yet here he was, with his whole future ahead of him. His whole life. A life with Andrew and the Foxes and exy. A life he could really live.
But we all know that with a traumatic past, comes bad days, weeks, months, sometimes years. And unfortunately for Neil, today was one of those days. Unfortunately, because Andrew wasn't around. And without Andrew, things felt so much worse.
It had all started when he was out for his morning run. Someone had spat at his feet while he was resting and snarled at him 'You shouldn't have won. You should be dead.' Of course, Neil legged it away from there that second, but that was the start. From there, it only got worse. Someone flicking a cigarette butt at him while he waited in line at the coffee shop to get his drink. Someone dressed completely in black flashing on a lighter right in front of his face and startling him enough to fall over. Thinking he saw someone wearing the Raven's uniform while he walked across PSU campus. Hearing the names 'Riko' and 'Jean' appear in snatched pieces of conversation as he tried to eat his supper in the cafeteria. Worst of all, someone, a random PSU student, coming up to him, shoving him, and saying 'What are you useful for, Nathaniel?'
Nathaniel. Nathaniel. Nathaniel.
He wasn't Nathaniel. He was Neil.
He has always been Neil here.
How did they know Nathaniel.
But that was the tipping point for Neil. He stared at the student for a few seconds, even after they had left. He just stared at the empty space. His breath started to quicken, and he got up and ran from the cafeteria, breath coming in short bursts. He sprinted all the way back to Fox Tower, his eyes and lungs burning. This was too much. Too much for Neil. He needed his Andrew. He needed hugs. Reassurance.
Nathaniel. The lighter. Riko. Nathaniel.
He fumbled with his key in the lock, bursting into the tower and running up the stairs to his room.
Nathaniel. Ravens. Jean. Nathaniel.
The monsters weren't here though, were they. Andrew wasn't here. He needed Andrew. He needed Andrew so bad. But Andrew wasn't here.
Nathaniel. Cigarette. Dead. Nathaniel.
He was crying by this point, his hands shaking too much to fit his key into his dorm door. Did he even want to go in? If Andrew wasn't there?
NATHANIEL. JEAN. NATHANIEL.
No. He didn't. But he had nowhere else to go. Neil was pressed against the door, sobbing, his fists pounding the door. He needed out.
NATHANIEL. RAVENS. NATHANIEL.
An ugly cry ripped itself from his throat and he hit the door over and over again, tears streaming from his eyes.
NATHANIEL.
RIKO.
NATHANIEL.
"Neil."
There was a hand on his shoulder, and another on his arm, pulling him away from the door and he turned his face away from the door only to plant it straight into someone's chest as arms were wrapped around him, holding him close. His hands shook as he found the fabric of the shirt and he fisted them in the material, hanging on as if it was keeping him alive. He felt an arm wrapped around his waist and one around his shoulders, a hand cupping the back of his head, pressing his face into a chest.
Neil had no idea who this was, and normally, survival instincts would have kicked in, and he would have thrown whoever it was off him. But not today. Today he needed this. Needed the comfort. Needed the feeling of their arms wrapped around him, holding him close. Besides, it had to be a Fox. He was in Fox Tower, and he didn't speak to anyone else really. So how could they have known his name? They called him Neil. They were a friend.
He cried into their chest, his body shaking, wracking with sobs and screams. He wasn't aware of anyone else moving around him, more people coming out to see him, the voices as people spoke to each other, as he was just focused on clinging to this person as if they were his lifeline. As if they were anchoring him to reality, keeping him here, keeping him present. Which, in a way, they were. They were holding him, reminding him where he was... Kind of. However, there was a lot of crying. Neil's crying. Neil's shouting. He wasn't too sure what he was shouting. Just that he needed to shout it. It needed to be said. He had to say it. Shout it.
But then he felt more hands on him, more arms snaking around him, and he was being carefully stood up, more people supporting him. He kept his face pressed into the first person's chest, but he allowed the others to guide him along and to support him. They were taking him somewhere safe. Somewhere not far. A door was pushed open, and he was guided down to a couch, made to sit down. He refused to let go of the first person though, and he thought he heard hushed voices around him, as then there were less hands on him, and the door was closed. Neil was alone in a room with someone he might know, clinging to them and crying, shouting into their chest.
He didn't know how long he cried. How long he sobbed, and shouted. How long he let out all those emotions he had bottled up for so long. But the next thing he registered, (after God knows how long) was that he was lying on a couch, a blanket draped over him, his head in someone's lap, a hand running its fingers through his hair, and he could hear the TV in the background. It was a soft buzz, a low hum of noise, and Neil groaned, turning his face and pressing it into whoever's thigh it was he was leaving on. The hand in his hair paused and the TV was turned off.
"Neil? You back with me this time?"
He knew that voice. So well. That was the voice that had looked after him, looked out for him, cared for him. It belonged to the person who had watched out for him when he first joined the Foxes, who had made sure he was looking after himself, who he had shared a room with.
Matt.
"Matt?" Neil's voice was hoarse, broken, weak, and he hated it. That wasn't his voice. Not the one he used every day. It was also muffled, as his face was still pressed into Matt's thigh.
"Yeah, it's me," Matt said, his hand continuing to run through Neil's hair, "You gave us quite a scare earlier."
"Mmm?" Neil hummed, taking a few moments before he started to push himself up. Matt steadied him, and helped him until he was sitting upright, his head on Matt's shoulder, his legs pulled up to his chest.
"Yeah... Do you... Do you remember much of what happened?" Matt asked gently, his hand leaving Neil's hair and his arm winding around his shoulders, pulling him close. Neil went willingly. He was exhausted.
"I... I, umm..." He frowned, his eyes dropping, "I remember today being shit. And I remember running back here and crying and my head not shutting the fuck up. And then... Then... Someone was there, and they held me, and more people were there and they helped move me, and I was on a couch. And then... I don't remember. I think I cried a lot. And shouted."
Matt chucked a little, "You can say that again. I think you cried enough tears to last you a lifetime, kid. I was scared, I won't lie. Renee was scared, Allison was shocked, and Dan was bloody terrified."
Neil stayed silent. It must've been bad if it had scared the upperclassmen. Because not much scared them now. Not after so long with the rag tag exy team. Matt sighed heavily, rubbing Neil's shoulder.
"Neil, I don't know what you've been through today, and you can tell me if you want, you can talk to me if you want, but you don't have to. I'm just here as a support," Matt said quietly, "Do you want me to tell you what happened when you got back to Fox Tower?"
"Y-yeah," Neil whispered, pulling the blanket up to his chest and leaning onto Matt more. He needed the grounding of Matt's body, to feel his body heat, his arm around his shoulders, his head resting atop Neil's.
"Alright," Matt said, squeezing Neil's shoulder, "I was studying in here, doing my course work, and I heard someone run up the stairs quickly, and I heard crying. At first, I ignored it, because.. Y'know, it's us. It happens regularly... But then the crying got louder, and someone was hitting the dorm door next to ours, so I knew it was you then, as everyone else is away. I ran out to come find you, and-"
"And you pulled me away from the door, hugging me," Neil nodded, he knew that bit. He remembered that, "Yeah... That was you. And I remember being moved. Someone... Some people moved me-"
"Dan, Allison and Renee," Matt confirmed, "They heard the crying and banging and came out to help me. We gently helped you up and bought you into here. Mine and Aaron's dorm. You wouldn't stop crying. And you were shouting a lot. Telling us you weren't Nathaniel. You didn't want to be, and you never wanted to be."
Neil looked down at his knees.
"You kept saying that. Over and over. There was other sayings in there, but they were mainly incoherent. It was pretty much just telling us you weren't Nathaniel," Matt continued, "I told the girls I could look after you, so they left us, and I held you. After about... What, fifteen minutes? You passed out. Completely and utterly cried yourself dry then passed out. So, I got you a blanket, and sat down with you. Refused to leave. A few times, one of the girls came in to check, but saw you were asleep. You were out for a while. So I watched TV. And then... And then you woke up."
"How long was I asleep?" Neil asked quietly after a few moments of silence, not looking up.
"Three hours," Matt replied.
Three hours. Andrew should be back by now.
"What time is it now?"
"Ten-thirty. Pm."
Andrew would definitely be back by now. Neil wondered why he wasn't here yet. Why he hadn't demanded to see him, or tried to wrestle him away from Matt.
"I'll text Renee. Get her to call Andrew," Matt said.
Neil just nodded, leaning into Matt more, and closing his eyes. He had lost three hours. Normally, that would bother him. Three hours of his life he wouldn't get back. But now he didn't care. He had had a bad day (a shit day) and he was allowed to sleep. A moment later, Matt put down his phone and picked up the TV remote, pressing play on the program he was watching.
"She's gonna call him."
"Thank you," Neil replied.
"S'alright. He's been demanding to see you, phoning all the girls over and over again. Trying to get in here. He tried phoning me once. I didn't pick up. Didn't want to speak to him or wake you up."
"Oh... Right," Neil said, his voice so, so quiet and drained. And he knew Matt sensed it, as Matt just squeezed his shoulder and continued watching the TV. Neil let himself relax against Matt fully, his head falling into the crook of Matt's neck, his arms staying wrapped around his legs. Matt was safe. Matt was his rock when Andrew wasn't home, because as well as Andrew knew him, as much as Andrew looked after him, Matt was always Neil's best friend. Ever since he had come to Palmetto State, and the Foxes, Matt had been watching out for him and looking after him, making sure he was alright (much to Seth's dismay in Neil's first year.)
Because Matt was his best friend. Matt was the person who just knew Neil. Sure, Andrew knew him inside and out, but Matt was... Matt was different. Matt was Neil's best friend. His best friend. That wasn't something Neil had come looking for when he joined the Foxes. Hell, all he had been wanting was some protection, a safe place for a bit, and a chance to play exy. And yet here he was, with a family, a best friend and a boyfriend. It was unexpected, sure. But Neil was grateful for it. The Foxes were his home, and family. And there was no-one else he needed now.
"My best friend," He mumbled, voice barely audible, and Matt had to pause the TV.
"Hm?" He asked, looking down at Neil.
"My best friend. Matt. My best friend."
Matt didn't reply, but Neil knew there was a big smile on his face. Matt was like that. He was emotional like that.
"Thank you, Neil," He said after a moment, voice filled with emotion, "You're my best friend to."
Neil smiled tiredly, not opening his eyes, and he felt Matt give him a squeeze before pressing play on the TV program again. This was nice. Neil liked this. It was something he had never had before, never had someone hugging him or looking after him as well as the Foxes did. As well as Matt did. And he loved that. So much. It meant everything to him. And he had no way of ever going without it again. He needed it. He liked it. And he was going to keep it.
About two minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was soft, quiet, and Matt paused the TV. He didn't move from the couch, just called out.
"Yeah, come in. It's unlocked."
The door handle opened, and Neil heard someone walk into the room, closing the door behind them. Matt didn't say anything, but then Neil heard a small:
"Yes or no?"
Andrew.
"Yes," He whispered after a beat, and he felt Andrew's hand on his knee, his shoulder, gently pulling him away from Matt. Neil lent into him, not bothering to open his eyes, and planted his face straight into Andrew's shoulder. Matt rubbed his back, and Neil mumbled an incoherent thank you, at him, before Andrew wrapped his arms around his waist and helped him to his feet. He knew Andrew never said thank you. Never. But he felt Andrew nod his head in Matt's direction.
"I'm here if you need me," Matt said quietly, and Neil hummed in response, before Andrew led him out of Matt's dorm and into theirs. He wasn't too focused on what was happening. He was very drained, mentally exhausted, but every time he heard a whispered 'yes or no,' he always answered yes. It was always yes with Andrew. Always. He registered a few things. Andrew undressing him, kissing his forehead, washing him, his body and hair, drying him, putting him in his pyjamas. He remembered Andrew brushing his teeth, brushing his hair, and then taking him into their dorm room, laying him on the bed.
There was a pause then, and Andrew ran his fingers through Neil's hair.
"Stay? Or go?"
"Stay," Neil didn't even hesitate. He wanted Andrew right now. Wanted him to be with him. Needed him to be with him. And so Andrew lay on the bed, under the covers, and he wrapped his arms around Neil's shoulders, pulling him close. Neil let his head rest on Andrew's chest, right above his heart. His heartbeat always calmed Neil after a bad day.
Neil's eyes slipped shut as Andrew wound his fingers into Neil's hair, and his arm draped itself across Neil's shoulders, a gentle weight reminding him he was present, he was safe, he was home.
So sure, Neil had his bad days. His shit days. The days he wanted to pack up and leave. Wanted to run. Wanted out. But he had his Foxes, his family, his boyfriend, and his best friend to look after him.
And that was all he needed.