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Spilled wine. Crimson stain running and spreading over white cloth. Deep shades of purple, a newborn bruise. No matter how hard you try to rub it out, arms languid, fingers numb, it only spreads. You watch in horror, frozen, as the drops of red pour out of its crystal confinement. It’s too late.
You can only hope her glass tips over too.
The couch feels too big, an ocean between us, storm clouds and thunderous waves crashing into each end. It’s an endless push and pull. I never know what she's thinking or what she's feeling. Her eyes glaze over as she stares into the TV, entranced in whatever is playing. Colors flash in and out of her eyes, face illuminated in a deep blue light.
I don't wanna watch TV anymore. But every minute counts. I can hear the seconds ticking on the clock, over the white noise . Every second that passes we’re wasting. I’m just wasting and wasting it on this couch just to be next to her. Just to be able to catch a glimpse, brush her shoulder, get a whiff of her coconut shampoo. I’ll endure the agony, the unscratchable itch that it is to be near her and not be able to touch her the way I crave.
Can't she see me using everything to hold back? The way my hands ball in perpetual fists or the way I jump in my seat whenever her thigh brushes mine? Can she sense me turning my head to look at her every five seconds? Or is this dumb movie more interesting? Shit, I can’t even remember what we’re watching, I just wanna watch her. I wonder…
Does she even like girls? Let alone me?
She rests her head on my shoulder, blonde hair spilling over me like sunshine, commenting every now and then as if I were as intrigued as her. If only she knew that the only thing that intrigued me in this room were her lips. Shit, I don't even know what's happening. All I know is her, pressed up against me. Her warmth radiates through my body, warming my soul. Fuck, she is sunshine.
I can’t read her, but if she wanted me too, the pleasure would be all mine. I wish she knew, I want her to know but I don’t wanna rush this or cut any corners. I want to savor every moment on this stupid old, rickety couch. Every shift and twitch creaks open the cushions. I want to close the divide but I’m scared it'll be the catalyst to our chasm.
“Mina.” I pull the syllables out of the well, relishing her name on my tongue as every vowel reverbs in my chest. I relish as if I can't have anything else.
She lifts herself off my shoulder and looks at me. I tear my gaze away, wishing I could take back her name and keep it trapped between my teeth. Now that I’ve spoken I have to continue or risk looking like a fool, risk her suspecting me. I can’t hide the way I say her name with such tenderness and longing. Not even her oblivious nature will allow it to go over her head. I’m fucked…
“Yeah, Chaeng?” She says my name and everything just stops. I don’t want her like a best friend.
She leans forward, giving me a panorama of the scene before me. Red wine slipping out of it’s bottle, a subdued river falling into her glass transforming into a whirlpool as it lands. I stare at it, at the red flowing and spilling, entangling itself inside its confines. The TV paused, showering us in artificial light, bags of chips and a bucket of popcorn strewn over the coffee table, the back of her head and the texture of her corduroy jacket.
Once she settles back down with her wine glass in hand I am no more prepared than I was a moment before.
“I, um… I think I might like like you.” I am aware of my understatement but nonetheless, the wine glass spills. I can only hope she will pardon my emotions.
I don't dare face her expression. If she doesn't feel the same way I lose my best friend and if she does feel the same way... Am I even ready for that possibility? Does it matter? Isn't it better to just let it out and let the cards fall where they may? There are no words that can comfort my self doubt. For God’s sake, she hasn’t even replied yet. That is if she will even bother to.
I close my eyes for a second and when I open them I imagine seeing my living room empty. She’s walking out the door with her bags.
All I can think of as I wait for my future to be determined is last week when we were driving at the speed of light in her car over the coast line, ocean air sinking into my lungs, drowning in the sea breeze and the fantasy of her lips on mine under the sunset. Joni Mitchell was blasting from her beat up radio. We shouted lyrics we didn’t know over the sound of the engine. I remember looking up at her, at her incandescent smile and falling in love all over again and subsequently falling in yearning. Just like tonight, I savored her presence that day and every day since and backward. So no matter what happens today, I hope to never lose that, to never lose her. I’ll have her any way I can, even as a best friend. Except I realize now that I’m just lying to myself.
“You’re kidding right?” She laughs and my stomach drops. I knew she’d make fun of me but I guess this could be worse. I subconsciously shift my body away from hers. My first instinct is to protect myself, to take back what I said but I know it's impossible. I’ve already shattered my glass, blood mixes with wine. It’s so bitter.
“No” I hate that my voice cracks, giving away my neutral expression as a facade. Either way, I couldn’t fool her, she knows me better than I know myself. Who Knows? Maybe she knew about my feelings before I did myself. Maybe she's been waiting, practicing her little rejection speech in her mirror framed with pictures of us.
I watch as her face falls and she covers up her mouth with her hand, eyes widening.
“Ok, well… That's fine, these things happen. I just think we shouldn’t let passing feelings ruin our friendship and what we have. I'm sure you can agree.”
“ Passing feelings? Mina, you have no idea what I feel, then.”
“Maybe it’s better If I don’t and we just forget about this.”
“Except we can’t!” She flinches and my heart tears. “ I can’t.”
“Look, I’m just saying that sometimes lines get blurred in friendships and people realize later on that it was a mistake and it all ends in disaster. I can’t let that happen to us.”
Mistake . That word slashes through me like a razor blade, detangling every thread holding me together. I feel a hot tear slip down my cheek and I turn away.
I sigh “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” My voice comes out barely above a whisper.
I can't even collect my feelings into a coherent emotion. Most of all what I feel is embarrassment and… loss?
I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Maybe I don't deserve the peace of death. I shouldve never opened my stupid mouth. I ruined everything even if Mina tried to spare us. I long for that coastline and that smile in the sun but all I see now before me is an old couch and a frown shadowed in the television light.
“Maybe I should go.” She says that as if she's simply leaving for tonight but I know better. She's leaving my life.
“But what about the movie?”
“I wasn't paying attention anyway.” She tries to laugh but it comes out as a pained breath that reaches my soul and shatters it.
Just as I had pictured it, she walks out the door with her bags.
I can no longer breathe.
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Days and weeks pass in a blur. We’ve only spoken twice in that time and I wouldn't even consider it a conversation. I texted her, she texted back a day later. I can't even remember what it was about.
I've been wallowing in self pity for too long. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. All I did was tell the truth. It's not my fault she unfortunately didn't reciprocate. Maybe I should text her and tell her I’m over her and everything can go back to normal. Except I'm scared of making things worse.
I just don't get it, she said she didn't want to ruin us and for things to change. If so, why is she acting like this? So distant and awkward. I must make her so uncomfortable. My cheeks redden and my body heats up with embarrassment at the thought.
Some days I want to block her everywhere and delete her contact off my phone but other days I want to hop in my car, drive to her house and apologize for what I said. But I end up doing neither. I end up pretending everything is ok, pretending we are ok.
I don't see how things can get any worse than this. I rather have some sort of certainty than this state of distorted limbo.
Impulsivity takes control of my body as I type into our chat.
Heyyy, sorry bout the other day.
Lmaooo I was so dramatic.
you were right so don't worry I can get over you
and we can forget this ever happened.
I cringe internally. I cant believe i just sent that. I stare at my phone in horror. I try to delete the message but before I can even get to that, I see the three little dots pop up. I stare at them fiercely, willling them to turn into words. They disappear and my heart drops. In a few seconds they pop back up again and my heart skips a beat. My eyes are dry from not blinking.
HAHAHHA K don't worry bout it
I throw myself onto my bed with the phone on my chest. I close my eyes and they spring open when it pings with a new message.
?Can I come over
I don't hesitate.
Yes
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I fling the door open and Mina’s there. I could swear a halo hangs above her head. Shit I was really fooling myself when I said I could get over her. How does she expect me to when she looks like that? When she smiles at me as if I hung the moon for her? If I could I would.
I open my mouth to greet her but the air is knocked out of my lungs as Mina throws her bags on the floor with a loud umph and flings herself onto me. Before I can process what’s happening, her lips are on mine. I scream internally. What the actual fuck?
I ultimately melt into her, closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around her waist. She kisses me fiercely, eyes screwed shut, hungry and desperate. Mina wants me just as much as I want her. My limbs liquify.
This is better than anything I had imagined in my dreams. I don’t understand but I don't care. Myoui Mina is kissing me and that's all that matters in the world right now. Us in this moment, in the hall of my apartment complex, my hands in her hair, her tongue sliding across mine.
I felt rebellious, all my neighbors were inside their own apartments and here we were making out with them right on the other side of their doors. Anyone could walk out and catch us in the act. I kind of wanted them to. I wanted a witness so that I could confirm the reality of this, of us.
Mina pulls away but I'm still in a haze. She grabs my face gently, caressing my cheekbones with her thumbs. She bites her lip as she looks at me. She kisses me tenderly this time, without any rush. Now this is something I’d love to savor. I don’t even have to look at myself to know that my cheeks are flushed. I wonder if she feels the heat beneath her fingertips.
Mina pulls away again and before I can ask anything she starts talking so quickly I can barely understand a word she's saying. Her brows are furrowed and she hasn't looked at me once.
“Hey, hey, slow down. What’re you trying to say?” I put my hands on her shoulders, rubbing them in circles.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything I said that night. I’m such an idiot. I was so scared about the way that I feel about you. I hadn’t even realized I felt that way until you confessed and I panicked. I only ended up making things worse. I’m sorry for avoiding you. I know you probably feel like shit and rejected but I can’t reject you. How could I possibly reject you?”
“Mina… I-I....” I’m speechless. I never thought I’d hear those words come out of her mouth. I’ve daydreamed about this, I’ve even practiced my reaction but… nothing could have prepared me for my dreams coming true.
“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that I love you.” She cups my chin, tilts my head down and kisses my forehead.
I lock my gaze with hers and say the words I’d been dying for her to hear from me for years.
“I love you too.” Once the words leave my mouth, everything I've been bottling up for so long crashes into me. My breath is sucked out of me and all I can do to catch myself is press my body flush into Mina’s in a passionate embrace. I feel so overwhelmed with warmth, a sunbeam shining over us. I guess this is what it feels like to love and to be loved.
That night on the couch feels a thousand miles away. It’s as if all my apprehension and hurt has been washed away. I’m finally clean and I can see clearly for the first time. I breathe in, taking a whiff of coconut with me. I’m no longer scared. I’m hopeful.
“Let’s go inside.” Mina whispers into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
I take her hands in mine, walking backwards into the apartment. She kicks the door closed behind us. We only have the orange glow of the setting sun illuminating us through the small window. Even in this dim light I can see her shine.
Mina kisses me against the door. I feel the wood hard against my back and her body soft against my chest. I smile as she rubs our noses together, the image of her bags drooping over on the floor outside crosses my mind and I giggle.
I know this time she won’t be walking out.