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kylo was fuming, he stormed into his personal quarters. the lights blew on and he squinted, his eyes ached.
“lights, 0%” he snapped suddenly. the room was instantly shroud in darkness, he felt his throat close up.
he clutched his arms, trying to ground himself, his brain felt too large for his skull. he was confused, he was angry, and he felt far too small. his breathing quickened, he could feel tears start to swell in his tightly closed eyes.
he stood there shaking, in the middle of his room. he didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t think. the tears flowed down his face and his jagged breathing seemed to make them fall faster.
his mind was racing but he couldn’t properly grasp a thought. his brain was screaming so many things at him, he felt ill, he felt light.
he fell to the floor, he heard himself hitting the ground, but he couldn’t register it. his hands flew to his ears to cover them and clutch his head. he was still sobbing, quietly, choking slightly when his mouth filled up with saliva he wasn’t present enough to swallow. he hadn’t noticed his mouth was open in a silent scream. hadn’t noticed his too long fingernails digging into his skin. hadn’t noticed he had curled himself up into a ball on the cold hard floor.
he laid like this for what seemed like hours, he couldn’t tell. as long as it took for his brain to calm, for the racing of his thoughts to cease.
he felt dry, and empty. he felt like someone had buried him under sand. his first rational, collected thought came to him.
‘god i’m so tired’
he twitched, wiggled his fingers and his toes. his eyes were still closed, he couldn’t open them yet, he was too scared. he moved his legs, stretched them just a bit as much as his exhausted body would let him. he relaxed his hands and let them slide down to rest in front of him.
he opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a hoarse gag, his head ached at the noise echoing across the barren and bland room.
“lights, 35%” he managed a couple moments later.
finally, he opened his eyes. they took a few seconds to adjust, they were horribly dry, for the first time he registered the tear streaks that had dried, and his nose that overflowed with snot.
he felt disgusting.
his arms and legs were weak, shaky, and unstable, but he stood up anyway. he managed to hoist himself onto his knees before he heard the sleek click of the rooms door opening and returning to its rest position.
“ren?”
he knew this voice all too well, he froze in fear, he had to say something, to explain himself, he had to get up.
“ren? are you alright?” general hux said once more.
“yes, i’m fine, say what you mean to and get out.” he spat, doing his best to hide his shaky voice.
“well, i’m here to tell you snoke has another mission for you- are you okay?” hux says with a bewildered tone.
kylo grits his teeth, he thinks carefully before lifting himself up to stand up, facing away from hux.
“i’m completely fine, hux. now please leave me alo-“ he chokes on his words, his throat feels hoarse and incredibly dry, he needed water. “alone.” he manages to finish.
“ren, you’re acting highly unusual, are you sure you don’t need medical attention?”
kylo stands still, as still as he can, he can feel the dread start to fill him again, creeping in like a snake about to strangle its prey. he cant say anything anymore, his throat is too dry, his brain won’t supply words.
“ren? can you face me?” hux says softer this time
kylo is terrified, he hates showing weakness, to anyone, to anything even. he stays in place.
hux stays silent for a while, but kylo can hear him thinking, its muddled, and vague. he cant make anything out but he knows hux is thinking deeply, he doesn’t feel malicious intent, but he cant trust the force as much as normal when he’s... like this.
hux swiftly moves to stand in front of kylo, he cant react before he’s face to face. his face is still covered in snot and dried tears, his eyes are only just beginning to loose their redness and his skin is blotchy, with lines where the tiles on the floor started and stopped from where he laid. he intakes a sharp breath and hides his face with his arms as fast as possible.
“what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” he spits out at hux, his brain beginning to race again.
“calm down ren, i’m not going to hurt you, just breathe slowly” hux says slowly before reaching up to guide kylo’s arms away from his face.
kylo is scared, more scared than he’s been in a while, he’s expecting to be hit, to be spit at and ridiculed, but hux doesn’t do any of those things, he just breathes slowly and continues to softly grip kylo’s wrists.
“what do you want from me...” kylo asks softly, his voice betraying the harsh tone he originally set out to portray.
“i want to help you, you seen shaken and i’m afraid if i leave you alone you’ll fall apart”
kylos eyes widen and he scoffs.
“i already fell apart... you can’t help me”
huxs’ eyes snap up to meet kylos,
“then i’ll do my best to pick up the pieces”
hux leads kylo to his bed, he gestures for him to sit. kylo is too tired to argue, his head still has a dull throb, so he obeys.
“i’m going to be right back okay? dont go anywhere” hux says firmly.
kylo nods, and he leans back on his bed, letting the soft sheets on his back comfort and cradle him. he doesn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until he wakes up.
his room is empty and quiet. he scans around looking for hux, theres nothing. he reaches up to touch his face and finds no traces of snot or tears. he feels confused, and oddly warm. he wonders if last night was a dream, if it all actually happened.
he wonders.