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Chaldea’s lone Master sat at the forefront of the briefing room, head clasped between his hands. Eyebags the size of mapo tofu cuts hung beneath his eyes.
Taking a few deep breaths, he then stood up from his desk, revealing his boxers-clad lower half to his audience of Servants. None of them are surprised at this point.
“So… We’re doing this again!” Gudao exclaimed, having scratched his head until his black hair became even more messy than usual. “I don’t even know what the hell happened last time! Where the fuck were we? What was going on? Who were all these people? Hell, I still don’t even know who that is!” He pointed to the other side of the room, where BB sat on a plastic chair, part of the many haphazardly taken from the dining room. She waved and smiled at the new-found attention.
"I don't know either, Master. Please stop looking at me like that," the Archer in front of him sighed. His red mantle was mostly covered by a layer of pink apron, adorned with little pawprints. Gudao did call him over in a hurry, so he supposed that was normal, but he did wonder why he was wearing something that looked like something out of Tamamo Cat’s closet.
Wait, wait, no! Archer’s weird choice of kitchen fashion isn’t the most important thing here! Gudao shook his head before both mentally and physically slapping himself.
"Okay, no, that's bullshit. You know something, don't you? You WERE involved in this crazy, high concept moon virtual world bullshit along with Nero and Tamamo, right? And all these purple-haired Sakura-something-faces have got a thing or two for you, right? You goddamn, Harem Protagonist EX motherfuck-"
"Master, I appreciate the compliment, but you must be mistaking me for someone else. You see, my official True Name is EMIYA, a name I have long since abandoned and one that, if possible, I would like not to hear again. Meanwhile, the Archer you're thinking of is someone with no name -- Nameless, if you will. While we are indeed similar existences, the two of us are, ultimately, two different people that people need to stop mixing up," Archer calmly explained as-a-matter-of-factly. "Also, isn't it crazy that there's a whole generation of people who don't know that my Noble Phantasm chant is longer than 2 or 3 lines? As a Fate fan, it really should worry you. What has become the state of this fandom?"
"Oh, okay. Sorry, my bad...” Gudao stepped back, falling back on his office chair that then spun a full circle due to the momentum. “Ugh, you know what? Let’s just repeat the old strategy from last time, but with extra steps. ”
The Chaldean Master cleared his throat, then shouted as loud as his throat could possibly allow—
"ANTI-THOT HIT SQUAD, ASSEMBLE!” His words rang like thunder throughout Chaldea’s facility. Hindsight hit upon him too late, however, as he realized that he may have made a fatal mistake, “Wait, shit. It's 2021. Can I even use the word “thot” without getting canceled? Osakabehime, am I getting canceled?"
"Hashtag Master Is Over Party!" Osakabehime’s answer echoed from several rooms down, the furious clacking of her keyboard somehow being more audible than her voice.
Gudao shook his head. "Godammit. Whatever, we'll deal with that later. Mash, can you write an apology tweet for me? Make it sound like that I really mean it. Wait no, I'm not actually doing anything wrong, so can you make it so that it only sounds like I'm apologizing when I'm really not?"
"You got it, senpai!" His faithful kouhai began typing at lightning speed into a phone, weaving an apology so good and heartfelt, the sincerity of which could only be rivaled by the good Samaritan himself.
At that instant, the door to the room suddenly burst open, and a child with a pair of comically large knives stepped in.
"Yo. Sup, Master. We bustin' some thots again?"
"JACK? WHO TAUGHT YOU TO SPEAK LIKE THAT?” Everyone’s eyes turned to Gudao. “ ...What do you mean I did? Okay, whatever, forget it."
Just then, a shadowy figure materialized in the room. Of course, it couldn’t be anyone else but the other Assassin. You know, the one who didn’t look like a child, but instead looked like a rejected From Software-developed RPG boss instead.
“Thy’s calleth hath beenth answereth, contractorth.”
“Jesus Christ, Gramps. What happened? Why did your Old English get even worse compared to last time? You can’t just add -th at the end of every word like that! That’s a crime upon the language, and—”
Master’s complaints were cut off by a burst of delightful laughter coming from the direction of the monitor. There he stood, a royal knight in purple armor, admiring the assorted pictures of violet-haired girls that were displayed on the screen.
Of course, it couldn’t be anyone else but the man himself — Lancelot!
"You know, Master. These women don't look so bad!” Lancelot focused on one particular girl, covered in bandages and patches of moss and basically nothing else. That, and also the fact that she was the size of goddamn Godzilla, something which Gudao made sure everyone was aware of by writing it in big, bold, red Comic Sans. “I may not be into this drastic of a size difference, but as I am an open-minded individual, I am always willing to try new things—"
"You're the bait."
"AGAIN?!"
"Don't worry, you won’t be alone this time.” The Master flashed him a reassuring smile, but how much assuring that actually did to Lancelot is anybody’s guess. “Archer!"
The red Archer heaved the longest sigh he had ever sighed in his life. "I've got nothing to do with this, but if you insist, then fine, I'll come along. I'm sure the kitchen will be fine without me for just a day or two."
Meanwhile, the state of Chaldea's cafeteria could only be described as chaos incarnate, almost rivaling even the primordial sea. Scorch marks decorate every corner, coupled with trails of devastation that came to be as a result of multiple Anti-Army Noble Phantasms being fired all at once. A gathering of Kings of Knights stood at the center of the destruction, the light of their holy blades growing in intensity the hungrier they got.
Boudica and Tamamo were huddled together behind the counter, hiding under the table with their arms covering their heads as if it was a middle school earthquake drill.
"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE RED ARCHER?"
“MEOW!” Tamamo Cat yelped, narrowly dodging a sword beam. “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”