Work Text:
"Hello, you've reached the vicar of St Saviour's in the Marshes' voicemail. I'm sorry I can't take your call right now, but please leave a message after the beep, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. God bless!"
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"Mr Smallbone? This is David from Ecclesiastical Insurance, if you could give me a call back at your earliest convenience, please - it's about your buildings insurance premiums, I've got some good news for you."
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"Adam? This is Adoha, darling, I don't know how to tell you, but something terrible has happened, a dreadful dreadful crime, it is a scandal, I cannot believe it. Such a terrible, terrible thing, people have no respect these days. Anyway, you must come as soon as possible. Should I call 999? You cannot be too careful."
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"Adam, it's Nigel here, we've got a bit of a situation down here but - no, Adoha, we don't need to dial 999, it's too late for that, it's not as if there's anyone here to arrest, can you go and ring the police station? In fact, no, don't, I'll ring them. Anyway, Adam, some thieving little toe-rag's nicked the lead off the roof. I know it's your day off, but if you are near the phone it would be extremely helpful if you could come down. I did try your mobile but you didn't seem to be answering it, at the bottom of your bag as usual I suppose."
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"Is that the Vicar of St Saviour's in the Marshes? My name is Pamela Smith, and my fiance and I are interested in getting married in your church next September. Could you phone me back?"
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"Sorry, Vicar, Pamela Smith here again, I just realised I forgot to tell you my number, sorry, I was so excited, it's..."
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"Vicarage? Can you ask your wife if she knows a good lawyer, well I mean a good one that does crime, not that girly family courts stuff she does, cos I might be in a bit of bother. Well, not bother. Bit of a misunderstanding, that's all. Maybe if you could come down, actually, we could get it sorted. Cheers mate."
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"Hello, Mr Smallbone, this is Annie from A and C Clerical Outfitters, could you give us a wee call back, because I've just been looking at the measurements you gave us for your cassock alb, and I have to say pet, either you've got a very peculiar figure, or you've done the measurements wrong. So if you could give us a ring, that would be great. Maybe ask someone for a hand with the measuring next time. Bye-bye."
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"Adam? Darling, I do wish you wouldn't leave your mobile in your coat pocket where you never hear it, I've been trying to get you all morning. Could you buy something for dinner, I forgot to take the stew out of the freezer. Work's being absolutely manic today. And someone left a rather garbled message for me, I think it was Colin trying to get hold of you, but one of the juniors took it, and they couldn't understand a word of it, but they said he sounded a bit upset and maybe a bit drunk. Quite a lot drunk, actually. Anyway, I thought you should know. And don't forget about dinner."
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"Mr Smallbone? This is Constable Henryson from Shoreditch police, we're trying to get in touch with you concerning the recent theft of leadwork from your church, we need a witness statement as soon as possible."
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"Adam, I must admit I didn't quite understand the rather incoherent babble that Nigel just left on my answer machine, but he sounded very upset, so I'll come and see you tomorrow, I can just squeeze you in in the late morning. Hope we can sort it out quickly, because I'm off to a working lunch with Gwynneth Williams, he wants my thoughts on religious broadcasting. Perhaps I'll pick your brains while I'm at it - doesn't one of your cell group do Thought for the Day a lot?"
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"Adam, it's Archdeacon Robert again, was that message from Nigel possibly something to do with lead theft? I do hope not, the insurance companies are getting very sticky about paying out, and replacing leadwork can cripple a congregation, so will you kindly get in touch with me as soon as possible.... And if I find out that your insurance isn't up to date, I will nail you to the wall. See you later!"
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"Vicarage, it's Colin, just to tell you that they let me out, no thanks to you, and tell that complete bitch Adoah that she'd better fucking apologise to me, she was bang out of line to say I nicked the lead off the roof, just because of that camel, and I said sorry for that. I would never of done that. Haven't got a big enough ladder, anyway... nah, I'm just joking, honest. I would never do a fucking rotten thing like that, and I hope they get the bastard scum that did it. Tell you what, I'll have a word with some blokes I know. They might know something. Or I'll have them. I'll let you know what I find out."
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"Adam, I'm going to be late. Hope you remembered to get us something for dinner!"
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"Adam, it's Nigel here again. I'm in the office. I can't find the insurance documents, did you take them home? You really need to get down here now."
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"Adam, darling, it's Adoah, I want to say that I'm sorry that I got things wrong about that Colin man, and please tell him to calm down, I was so upset I wasn't thinking clearly and thankfully no harm has been done. Good-bye, now."
beep"Adam, answer your bloody phone, or I will drive round the streets of Shoreditch till I find you. And then you'll be sorry. You need to get in touch with Ecclesiastical NOW, and Nigel says the policy documents aren't in the filing cabinet. What did you do with them, take them home to make paper aeroplanes?"
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"Hello Mr Smallbone, this is David from Ecclesiastical Insurance, I'm afraid we won't be able to deal with your claim until we have the crime number. Could you ring us back? We should be able to sort things out, though I'm afraid it might put your premiums back up to where they were before, ha ha."
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"Hello Adam, Archdeacon Robert here, thank you for finally letting me know what's going on. And may I congratulate you on having the Smartwater treatment done, the last church that had their lead nicked hadn't, and Ecclesiastical wouldn't pay up. But I think you may be alright. Well done. Only will you please answer your mobile phone in future, even if it is your day off?"
beep"Adam, it's me again, I'm guessing you haven't got anything for dinner, so I thought, sod it, let's get a take away. I'm just about to leave the office and I'll grab a bottle of plonk on the way back. We might as well enjoy your day off..."
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