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Walking on the street was different this day.
The clouded Tokyo sky felt oppressive over her shoulders, tons of condensed air flying over the city and threatening to release its contents at any time. The crosswalks were crowded as ever, yet every footstep, every word whispered to the side, talked into a phone, every single human movement found its way to Kaoru. The lights were bright, terribly so, the over cluttered shopping districts having before evoked feelings of awe and beauty to her, now unbearable to look at. The route wasn't common, but it wasn't unknown either, this side of town similar to the others nearby, colourful shops and tall office buildings brimming with their own light.
Crowds were scary, now. They had always been really, just took her a change of perspective to notice just how much. Every word wasn't meant for her, every stray look was careless or by mistake, dozens, perhaps hundreds of eyes around her were looking at other things and people. But kaoru couldn't help but think that they were directed at her, that they saw right through her disguise, that they were disgusted disappointed freaked out scared angered-
Woah, it's okay.
…
The red light lets her breathe.
Her clothes still retain the scent of freshness, the forgotten etiquette in her high waisted pants itching on her leg. She really had crossed the line, this time, dressing up on a whim with the contents of the box hidden under her bed. The yarn sweater over the dressing shirt were comfortable, and she had been transfixed on them ever since she bought them one winter night. They weren't particularly out there, she knew of friends who wore such clothes, but her heart still pounded at the thought of what section she found them in.
Green light.
It's okay. It's normal for her to wear that, hell it's barely possible anyone but her knows from where she got them, even less likely to care about it, but the butterflies won't stop.
She did the best thing, the appointment (she wasn't going to call it a date, the mere thought of it made her heart skip too many beats) was important and she had to look the part. The street was the same as always, the clouds over her were the same as any march, the people around her the same commuters and high schoolers she'd expect.
Yet something fundamental had been changed
or perhaps it had always been that way.
The jingle on the door to the coffee shop was handmade, dream catchers and iron tubes hanging from the ceiling and making a clinging sound as the door hit them, loudly enough to get a yelp out of her. It was small, enough to hold a dozen and a half customers if you squeezed them enough, but it made up with an intricately decorated and rustic interior, large tables carved out of tree trunks and american movie posters plastered over the walls. There's music coming from a speaker somewhere, too low for her to even attempt to recognise the song but it fills the air with pleasant sound.
A giggle she recognises interrupts a guitar solo, guiding her eyes to the corner of the shop where a fashionably dressed blonde woman sits.
The AC must be set really high inside, Kaoru feels her body warm up. She waves weakly, left hand still holding on to her purse- "efficient carry bag" for her mother- and she starts walking towards her and the seat in front that is no doubt saved for hi-her.
Her knuckles turn white from the pressure, she's glad the strap is made out of leather.
"*****, you're late"
She is? Kaoru quickly gets her phone out from her purse, purple case making the task quicker as she turns the screen on and stares at the big 18:32 on it.
"C-Chisato, that's only two minutes-"
The blonde hides her smile teasingly, gesturing her to sit down. "I know, I've already ordered for you, if I recall correctly green tea is of your taste?"
Nobody else knows her favourite tea other than Chisato, her own mother mistakenly getting her the very bitter black tea many a times. She nods, words stuck in her throat for some reason, must be the exhaustion from the walk here.
"Fufu, I knew, make yourself comfortable here then"
Her voice is terribly high.
It's not straining neither ridiculous, it's in a beautiful midpoint where every word falls like sweet honey from her lips, delighting her ears.
It's so girly.
Kaoru unbuttons the top of her shirt to avoid sweat from staining anything- god they've set the AC high.
"Um, do you come here often?"
She manages to get something out at last, relief apparent in her sigh thereafter, chisato's eyes looking at her with silent thanks.
"This is the first time I've come in fact, I read about it in a magazine a couple of weeks back and I had been looking for an opportunity to come by"
Her schedule is so tight, Kaoru feels guilty for taking precious time from her for such a thing.
"Ah I see, then glad I got to come with you,"
Chisato's smile is so kind. She doesn't feel like she'd smile to her that same way if she knew.
"It's very charming isn't it? I quite like the soundtrack too"
Kaoru's mind panics, going over thirty different band names, forty albums and three-hundred-forty-five song titles in the first two seconds.
"I-Indeed, I've always been a fan of Queen"
Chisato's laugh is nothing like her own. It doesn't have a rasp, it goes higher as she laughs, it's soft and fluffy and she could get lost in it. Butterflies move violently inside their cage.
"Oh *****, you're quite silly at times fufufu~"
She wishes she could laugh like that.
Kaoru doesn't get a chance to correct her guess before a casually dressed waiter comes over with a tray, leaving her tea and Chisato's alarmingly black cup of coffee on the table.
"For you miss and for you sir"
...
She should have been prepared.
She really, really shouldn't feel such a gaping hole in her chest. Not after hearing that name twice before, not after living like that for whole 17 years.
But it hurts.
It hurts so much.
The girl leaves with only a thanks from Chisato, who's begrudgingly pouring some sugar in her cup, but Kaoru doesn't see. Her eyes are too lost in the sorrow inside her tea, swirling around in deep colours and threatening to overflow from the cup, drowning her at once. She really didn't want that, but at times it felt like it might be easier.
The clicking of ceramic snaps her out of it as Chisato leaves her already half empty cup on the table again.
"Mmm the place is nice and all, but I don't quite know how to feel about the coffee itself"
Her words are properly spaced, tone rising at the endings and stretching at the vowels. Kaoru is too good at noticing what she fails at.
"Mhm, but isn't black coffee the same everywhere?"
Not even close.
Chisato gets more sugar in, mixing it gracefully with the little spoon, hoping to improve its taste.
"Not always, perhaps I'll take you to my favourite place next time I'm free, their cups are twice as good"
A small light shines on her cold chest, gently nuzzling it and holding it with care.
"Wouldn't you like that, ******?"
Nails press against her knees, threatening to undo the fabric and break that which gave her joy. Someone should be fired, the AC is constantly going up and down and Kaoru is starting to feel sick. Her eyes find the floor, clean and well kept quite unlike that of her own room, unable to look at Chisato. Her chest is getting smaller, the walls are closing in on her small lungs that are only getting bigger and bigger, pressing against their constraints and unable to contract and expand unable to breathe.
Cold slender fingers find their way on top of her large hand.
It's such a small contact. Chisato's hand should hurt, reminder of how far bigger and broader her own are, how unfeminine her body was and would always remain until the day she died- but it was comforting. Another hand holds her cheek, pressing against it the right ammount to be close yet enough for their relationship (what even was their relationship, kaoru wondered).
"Is it better if I call you by your last name?"
She's too perceptive. And also too kind.
Her nod is barely noticeable, but for Chisato its enough.
"Do you not like the other name?"
She lifts her eyes to meet hers, the blurry image of her childhood friend through the tears enough to give her a slight drop of resolve. She doesn't look angry that she's ruining their date and her precious free time, she's accepting.
",, I don't"
It took her too long to realise, and that was the gateway that lead her to open the whole can of worms that was her gender identity, but she had done it once, she could do it again. Chisato wiped away the tears that welled on her eyes, squeezing her hand in encouragement.
"Is it only the name?"
The shake she does is almost a knee jerk reaction. If only it could just be the name.
Chisato looks like she is thinking.
She's the kind of person that thinks about everything perhaps a bit too much. She can't blame her really, if she had gone through all that Chisato did, she'd do so too.
"Do you perhaps have, another name?"
Long nights of dysphoria and insomnia flash in her mind, scribbles on notebooks in the middle of class, searches in books for kanji and online lists of the most popular girl names- she has one.
",,,, Kaoru,"
The table is wide, but not wide enough to keep Chisato away from her, wrapping her arms around her back as much as she can and leaning over to rest her face against her forehead. They've hugged plenty of times before in all their years together. But this might just be the first actual time they've done so.
Chisato's fingers play with her short hair, ends on the back growing slightly longer in secret for the past months.
"Those clothes fit you really well, Kaoru"
The embrace was short lived, but the memory of her contact aches on her skin still. Kaoru finds something in Chisato's eyes that makes her chest regain all the heat that had been stolen from it. She sees pride.
"I'm glad,, I bought them a long time ago"
They might as well be completely alone in the shop now, Kaoru's eyes can only set on Chisato. "You've been very strong for so long Kaoru"
Knowing how deliberate her speech is, Kaoru knows she's saying her name as much as she can in purpose.
"I wouldn't say I'm strong, really"
The blonde's hand is not letting go of hers, rubbing her thumb on it with all the care in the world and then some.
"I know how it feels Kaoru, hiding away your feelings in silence, donning an iron mask that weighs heavier every day-"
Kaoru lets her continue.
"I don't understand why you'd want to take a position such as this one, it's a pain in all honesty, but I know you can't choose it"
Kaoru's eyes look at Chisato with recognition. She's holding a halfhearted smile, slightly biting her lower lip as her eyes look nowhere in particular, deep in thought.
"It's just, so tiring to perform this way, that's why I know that you're strong Kaoru"
Kaoru's mind goes down a train of thought that seems unlikely but is only becoming more possible with every word from Chisato. She looks at her with a pained smile. She might have been keeping it there for a while, but now it has surfaced at last.
Her voice is no longer so perfect.
"At least you, know what you are,, don't you Kaoru?"
"Are you..?"
"I don't know."
She seems to regret the harshness of her response, tired eyes looking at her in apology.
"I'm sorry that was rude,,
,, I'm proud of you Kaoru, really I feel overjoyed that you've done such a big step"
The silence is more permanent this time around.
...
It's not uncomfortable, but it's palpable.
...
Kaoru's tears dry under the warm lights of the shop.
"Chisato,, do you feel uncomfortable with- yourself?"
Her words felt too familiar. The roles shift as now its kaoru's hand that is squeezing chisato's.
"I don't know- I don't think so, not myself at least"
Her voice is less sugar coated, but it still is so very much Chisato. Perhaps more so.
"But there's something there?"
Her sigh doesn't sound like the first one to leave her mouth today.
"Definitely"
Chisato's expression is hard to read, as all the times she felt bad when they were together. This was probably the first time Kaoru was on the helping end. She wanted to stay there.
"And, pardon if its too bold but, have you ever thought you might be a m-"
"Perish the thought"
That's a clear no if she's ever heard one.
"I'm not- I'm not a man that's for sure,"
She really is making an effort to stay polite for her. Chisato's eyes rest in the empty bottom of her cup.
Kaoru's choice of words is careful, but she feels the ghost of her boldness return to her, giving her enough of a push to go further. She had no one with her at first. She can be there for Chisato now, and she will.
"You're not a woman either then?"
It came off more direct than she thought she was capable of.
Chisato's eyes rise to her, a candle of hope set alight somewhere inside there. "Can I- Can I do that?"
Kaoru knows she's struck a vein of golden ore. That was her exact same thought when she found her own answer buried in pages of western literature one night in the library. Her taller figure finally makes itself look the part, larger hands perfectly fit to hold chisato's, long arm reaching to rub circles on her shoulder.
"You can Chisato, I promise"
For a second she feels the blonde melt under her touch, but it's fleeting. She thinks, oh she thinks. Chisato's brain is surely now connecting all the dots spread out throughout her life, making sense of her senseless emotions, finding meaning in moments that shouldn't remain in her mind as much as they should, recognition and retrospective understanding at last what it all was. For the first time, Kaoru thinks she's seeing Chisato truly smile.
"I see,, thank you Kaoru,"
She- they?- hurry to add up to it. "Thank you so much"
The warmth filling Kaoru might be coming from her heart, after all.
The walk on the street back home is different this day.
The skies above Tokyo are clouded, weighing heavily with tons of water ready to be released at any moment, the crosswalks are crowded with noisy people talking to others, into phones or to themselves. Nothing has changed, but things are different. Maybe it's the warmth on kaoru's hand as they walk back home together that changes Kaoru's perspective. It's funny how despite discovering new things, shedding light on what was dark and finding names for that which you couldn't call before, the world stays the same. You're just a little less ignorant about it. The walk is now pleasant, she knows the only pair of eyes set on her are welcomed to do so. Lights still shine on too bright, crowds are still scary, losing yourself in the city under the rain is still a possibility. But maybe she can ignore those for a while.
Before they know it, they're on Kaoru's portal. She turns to face Chisato, her heart swelling at the closeness of the sight.
"Your hair is growing out on the back, I think it will look beautiful when it's longer"
Their hands softly touch a strand of her purple hair.
"I hope so, maybe you can even help me tie it up hehe"
Chisato's smile tells her they like the idea. They have to part ways, but none really want to do so, having opened up this much to each other makes it hard to not spill your guts as you move around.
Kaoru lets go, holding onto their gaze still as she walks back slightly.
"Kaoru?"
"mhm?"
Pronunciated blush on Chisato's face is the last thing she sees before their lips meet hers, giving her a proper long taste of their lip gloss in a terribly sweet moment. Her body pushes forward on its own, understanding in a second just how much and for how long she had needed that, giving back to Chisato what they gave her and more. It's short, but it will stay in her mind for years.
"You kiss like a woman Kaoru"