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You loved Daichi.
You had ever since you met him - well, that was a strong sentiment - but it had always felt that way, so you couldn’t fault your own emotions. Of course, you’d heard about him before, he was on the volleyball team after all; you’d just never met him until your third year. Somehow, by some miracle, you were put into the same class, seated right next to each other. He was sitting by the window - something that made you jealous because you wanted the window seat - you opted for just staring in that direction instead.
Maybe he took your staring the wrong way because he apologised to you after class. Obviously, you were confused, because he hadn’t done anything wrong. His friend snickered, “already scaring the ladies on the first day?” Earning himself a swift elbow in the ribs. You snorted at the noise he made.
“It’s just… you were glaring at me the whole class.” He said sheepishly, completely different from five seconds ago; it was endearing, his sudden nervousness.
Now that you couldn’t figure out, had you really been glaring at him? Your friends had always said that when you get lost in thought you tend to look more pissed off, but you never took them seriously. Not until now, that is. “Oh. Oh! Oh God no!” You cry out, waving your hands, “I was just staring out the window!” You explained, now feeling the heat rise to your cheeks.
“Oh.” He says, looking more relieved with each passing second. “Had me worried for a minute, thought I’d done something wrong.” He chuckled - God, that chuckle was gorgeous.
“The only one who did something wrong was the teacher,” you scrunch up your nose and smile, “putting someone so gorgeous next to the window, how am I meant to stay focused now?” You froze, realising what you said. Come on, Y/N, you can’t just go around flirting with people. You silently kick yourself when he doesn’t say anything, just lets his jaw drop open. Of course, it doesn’t take him long to recover, flashing you a winning smile.
“Maybe you should sit by the window, although I think I’d find it hard to focus.” He gave you a lazy wink, his silver haired friend hollering at him for such smooth moves; now it’s your turn to recover, only you don’t do it with half as much grace as him, stuttering and fumbling around.
“I think you broke her,” his friend laughs, smacking him on the back, clutching his stomach like this is the best thing he’s ever witnessed.
An arm wraps around your waist and it snaps you back to reality, your friend smiling up at Daichi sickeningly sweetly. “Look at you, picking up the hot guys on the first day. And two of them!” She calls out, eyes darting to the silver haired boy.
“Picking up-” You ponder what she meant before gasping, “stop it!” You push her off of you as she starts her own fit of giggles. “I was just apologising for my resting bitch face.” That sets her off again, because of course your resting bitch face had managed to attract two guys.
“You always have a bitch face.” She quips, whisking you away. You wave over your shoulder, taking note of the soft smile on his face.
----
You loved Daichi.
Despite his confidence yesterday, it’s actually his silver haired friend that talks to you first - his name is Sugawara Koushi - you don’t know it yet, but he will grow to be the person you confide in the most. Even before Daichi.
“What’s up, bitch face.” Suga sits on your desk, and for a second you contemplate kicking him.
“What’s up, Suga tits.” You lean back in your chair. Daichi snorts at the nickname, making your heart swell with pride - wow, that has never happened before. Suga breaks out into a big grin, pointing his thumb at you.
“Oh, you should totally keep this one,” he says.
“This one? Is Sawamura here a player? Do I need to protect my precious little heart?” You gently place your hand over your heart, gasping lightly and making sure to pull the most adorably-shocked face that you can. The playful tone doesn’t go unnoticed by either of the boys.
“The only thing he plays is volleyball.” Suga says at the same time that Daichi says, “maybe you do.” With another lazy wink.
You can’t help but snort again, causing the three of you to break out into a fit of laughter.
It surprised you how close the three of you became and how quickly; for you, it felt like everything finally fell into place. Suga was rather chaotic - you remember the time he basically used Asahi as a human battering ram - but he had his moments of kindness. Daichi was effortlessly smooth, sometimes a little intimidating, and he had this aura of authority that you couldn’t help but smile at.
When they introduced you to their volleyball team, you made sure to stick closer to Daichi’s side. One of them asked if you were his girlfriend, neither of you fought off the notion - maybe you were crazy, but you swore Daichi was blushing.
You aren’t surprised when he asks you to go on a date with him - in fact, you’re elated - this is the moment you’d been waiting for; Suga was the first to hear the news and congratulated you.
Your happiness with the silver haired boy was quickly silenced when he brought a packet of condoms to class the next day and not-so-subtly shoved them in your direction. Had you ever wanted to punch someone? Not until you met Sugawara Koushi.
Everything gets worse when Daichi sees them on your desk, eyeing you curiously before you haphazardly shove them in your bag. No one else seemed to see the box, but that didn’t stop your embarrassment.
You made a note to kill Sugawara one day.
----
You loved Daichi.
That one date had turned into two, then three, and next thing you know, you’re seeing each other multiple times a week. He even asks you to be his girlfriend, which you all but scream yes at.
Maybe the first sign that things weren’t going to be perfect was how much time his volleyball club needed from him - but you weren’t upset about that, not at first, at least.
Because Daichi still never failed to make you feel special, like you were the most important thing in the entire world. He’d whisk you off your feet every single time you came to see him at practise. The amount of times he’s put a bouquet of flowers on your desk made your heart swoon. He showers you with kisses and hugs, love and affection for days; you swear, if he could have you stay with him all the time, he would.
You never put that box of condoms to use - not yet - but it sits inside your bedroom drawer behind an old packet of cute pens you never wanted to use, a new set of nail polishes, and a book you’d been meaning to move to the shelf.
“Do you know how much I love you?” He mused one evening, running his fingers through your hair while you watched a film. You hum, a little confused by his question, so you turn to face him.
“I’m going to assume that it’s a lot,” you giggle when he swats at your arm.
“A lot does not begin to cover it,” next thing you knew, he was kissing you, pulling you so close like he was afraid to lose you.
----
You loved Daichi.
So much that you’d watch his volleyball games and cheer him on, even if you really had no idea what was happening - he’d tried to explain it to you, but it didn’t help that much. The thing was that you didn't need to understand the passion in his eyes, you just needed to be there for him.
You wouldn’t have felt so bad about not learning about volleyball if he didn’t pay so much attention to all your hobbies - though you didn’t think it was that difficult to figure out the plot of Ouran HighSchool Host Club.
It became so easy to lose yourself in him. Soon, it was no longer just Y/N - the girl who makes friends a little too easily, and Daichi - the boy who is so blissfully unaware of the eyes on him - now you are Y/N and Daichi - the couple who are ignorant to their own worries. Because who needs to worry when everything is just perfect?
The way his hand fits into yours makes your heart swell; the hunger in his eyes when he’s playing volleyball makes your breath pick up; when he brushes your hair behind your ear and swoops in for a kiss.
Everything he did was just so effortlessly perfect. Did he even realise it? The way he drove you completely crazy? Before him, you were sure you’d never feel this way - especially not with how your mom talks about your dad. You were sure that true love was a myth told by hopeful housewives.
You thought this until you met Daichi. Until you fell for him so hard, so quickly that you weren’t really sure what had happened. The fire of your love burned so bright and hot, with such anger, spreading around to everyone - whether for the better or the worse, you wouldn’t know. Not yet.
----
You loved Daichi.
That was why, when things were just a little too difficult, you’d rather call Sugawara. You didn’t want to bother your boyfriend with your problems - even when he said that it’s fine and that’s what I’m here for. But you knew what would happen. You’d seen it happen in front of your eyes.
“What if I’m not good enough?” You sigh, pulling at the grass beneath you as Suga stares at you sadly. “What if he leaves me because I can’t figure out volleyball? It means so much to him, and yet I just...” There’s obvious panic in your voice.
The setter sighs heavily, running his hand through his hair. You were difficult to figure out. Your confidence always seemed unwavering. But beneath the surface you were riddled with insecurities; it was like a maze in your mind. One wrong word and you’re met with a dead end with no memory of how to turn around. He could only imagine that a scared little girl lay in the centre, wrapped up in a little fantasy world with dolls - a world where mommies and daddies got along, and she could act like a girl again.
“You know Daichi would never do that to you. He’s just happy that you watch the games.” Suga said, confident that that was the right choice. He couldn’t tell, not as you slowly looked up to the sky, face lacking the emotion your eyes yearned to show.
“I guess you're right.” He barely heard you, but maybe he hadn’t made such a mistake afterall.
He wondered how Daichi managed to deal with you; then he remembered that he didn’t. For Daichi, you were a constant ball of sunshine and happiness. Even when Suga could see the pain in how you moved, when he could hear your frustrated phone calls to your mother, the way you almost fell asleep in class so many times.
He watched you on the few days they’d come back to yours as you acted more like a housewife than a teenage girl. He’d joked with Daichi that you’d make the perfect wife one day - he didn’t miss the way you glared before lifting your baby sister up and planting her softly on your hip, feeding one of your brothers as he wailed.
Sometimes Suga wondered whether Daichi saw these things too. If he did, he never said anything.
----
You loved Daichi.
But when he asked you what you were planning to do after school, you didn't really know how to respond other than saying, “I have to watch the kids…” you said it like it should have been obvious, there wasn’t much else you could do. You’d never put much thought into college, not that you had the time to. You were happy with how things were now, why did they have to change?
“What about after that?” He asked, pausing the episode of Attack on Titan you were watching, turning to face you fully, clearly intent on continuing this conversation.
After what? After your siblings grow up enough to not rely on you? But that wouldn’t be for such a long time. The twins were still only two, not even taking in account your sister, who can now hold her head up herself.
“Do you not want a job?” His brow twitched in slight anger and you knew why; he wanted to know what future you had together. But you didn’t know. You’d never had a chance to daydream about the future, you couldn’t even glance back to the past, you were glued into the present without room to move.
“I do,” you shrugged, laughing nervously, “but it isn’t that big of a deal. Besides, I’ve got you. So what more do I need right now?” You tentatively reached out and rested your hand on his, squeezing it lightly. He squeezed back, letting you know he wasn’t really upset.
“Yeah, we have each other,” he smiled softly, pulling you into a big hug. You ran your hands through his hair, trying not to think about how he’ll be going off to college soon, trying your best to bask in this moment.
Things were never going to be easy, you see that clearly now.
----
You loved Daichi.
You just wished he hadn’t chosen somewhere an hour away from home. You wanted to be able to see him, to hold him close and never let him go, but he seemed hellbent on leaving. Of course, you never told him this, you just stayed by his side, talking idly about what he plans on doing.
He plans on being a police officer. You tell him he’d be good at that. He says thank you. There is an awkward tension in the air, but neither of you bring it up.
You want to tell him how you wished he would have chosen somewhere closer because he knows you can’t just leave the house whenever you want, but he’d just tell you that that was ridiculous. That you were an adult and you could do what you wanted (it was a fight you’d had too many times this month alone). He would never understand, so you told yourself you were okay with that.
That night you’d fallen asleep in his jacket, his scent barely lingering on the fabric now - you considered asking him if he would make it smell like him, but he’d be leaving soon, so he’d probably accidentally take it with him.
----
You loved Daichi.
Even when his nightly calls slowly turned into every few days, and then once a week. Nowadays, you felt lucky to hear his voice once a month. Of course he’d visit, but even those visits were so sparse that you didn’t really know how to feel. Empty. If you had to put a name to the feeling, that would be it.
You brushed off your feelings, because Daichi was still so happy, so maybe you were just missing something. Because on the days when he did call you, you were able to smile so wide.
Because you did love him.
That was why you decided to surprise him, take his advice from many months ago, to finally live life how you wanted to - even if it was only for a day. You left your siblings in the caring hands of Suga, who almost looked sad as you left, but he waved you off proudly nonetheless.
Maybe you should have felt sad when he didn’t get worried that you didn’t respond to his text, but it was normal, what’s the point of getting sad at something that happens every day? There wasn’t one. Not a single one.
You can’t help the feeling of something - though you aren’t sure what - weighing down your chest. Each step closer to his dorm feels like an eternity and before you know it, you’re too busy thinking about whether or not you’d made a mistake. The hallway suddenly feels hot, air slowly suffocating you. Had it always been so hot in these halls? You'd be sure to ask Daichi; maybe he could explain the aching in your chest, the weight of your lungs, the mild headache from the stress around you.
But when you knock, and when he opens, you aren’t greeted with the normal show of being whisked off of your feet. In fact, you aren’t greeted with Daichi at all. In his place stands a young woman, so radiant and ethereal you might think her an actual angel. But she wasn’t. No, the sinister reasons for her being here are all too obvious. You note the marks down her neck - the ones he’d refused to give you, lest you ruin your innocence before marriage - the way her cheeks are flushed, sweat shining her forehead. The way his shirt - you knew it, because it had been one you’d bought him - taunted you by daring to fall so perfectly on her body.
You can’t speak. The wind knocked from your lungs. Have you ever been hurt so quickly? Maybe, but that was only in front of Sugawara. You slowly raised a shaking hand to your mouth, trying to decide whether or not to give into the nausea that hit you so violently.
What had you done to deserve this? You couldn’t think of anything - not right now, at least. Of course you weren’t perfect, but who was? Daichi was. To you he was.
All around you, the world seemed to crumble, you couldn’t speak or move. For a second, it seemed like she recognised the look in your eyes - so obviously wounded by the sight of her. Her eyes flitter into the dorm. His voice calling out, “who is it, angel?” You have to press your hand to your heart, and check it, it felt like you’d been stabbed. You might have been happier with that.
When he pulls himself into frame you don’t even have the energy to cry, mind wracked trying to figure out where you’d gone wrong.
His chest is littered with bites, and marks, and scratches.
His face falls when his eyes meet yours, something breaking deep inside of him as you shake, feigning the softest smile. “Surprise…” you try and cheer, trying to pretend like you hadn’t seen him this way. Trying to cover the image of him in front of you with the Daichi you knew. The man with an aura of authority, the man too kind and blissfully unaware of the eyes on him.
----
You loved Daichi.
No, you love Daichi.
Maybe that was your personal imperfection.
As you sat in his dorm, listening to his excuses, you could only smile, tracing your finger around the edge of the mug. If you were honest, none of this hurt as much as you thought it would - of course it hurt, but the pain was lessened so deeply by something inside of you.
“I didn’t mean for you to find out like this. I-I… I thought maybe if we kept trying, then maybe we could-” you cut him off by gently placing the mug onto the coffee table, noting the little pieces of her that littered the apartment.
“I think what you mean,” you straighten your back and turn to face him - he’s still shirtless, that girl is still in his shirt - she sits next to him, the space between them seems like such a cavern now. She looks so much like she wants to escape, but you can’t ever escape something you’d walked into so effortlessly, “is that you didn’t mean for me to find out.” He opens his mouth, trying to find the words before he grunted. You let out a breath, clapping your hands together, “well, when you told me to go out and live my life, I never thought this is what it would be like.” You look around the room slowly.
“It isn’t like you ever needed me,” now he was desperate, trying to find something to use against you, “you always had Suga clinging to your side.” He sneered. Was that something he was proud of? That he might have hurt you with your own friendship. “You never even trusted me anyway.” He was hurt, you knew that much.
You bite back at your lip, wanting to yell I think everyone can clearly see why, but no. Because this is the first time he’s ever done something like this. “Maybe that’s true, but if you really think that, then you never really knew me at all.”
There’s guilt in his eyes because he knows that you know he just tried to hurt you, tried to make you run away from him. But you don’t need to run.
“I spent a lot of time thinking,” you continue, rubbing your hands on your sides to try and ease some of your personal tension, “that when you slowly stopped calling, that you were really busy; you were out here doing what I should have. You were living your life.” You glance at the girl - she stinks of shame, tugging at the hem of the shirt. “And I can see that I was right.” There aren’t any more words needed. You can’t even think of anything else to say.
You stand up to leave, but he grabs your wrist, “we can still try, I- I want you to still love me. And I will love you, because I do love you.” He reeks of desperation now. It makes you feel sick. It hurts. You just want to leave. You don’t want to be here anymore. You can’t stand to see him. Not like this. Not when you’re about to crumble. You were fine holding yourself up a moment ago, but now, seeing the tears prickle into his eyes, you don’t know if you can do it.
It takes everything in you to smile sweetly down at him, “I never said I didn’t love you,” you chime, gently unwrapping his fingers from around your wrist. What’s left behind isn’t warmth, no, it feels more like a burn, “but I don’t think I like you anymore, Daichi.”
Maybe that is your last hurrah as you slink out of the dorm.
----
You still love Daichi
As tears dribble down your cheeks, you call the one person you can think, hoping he can give you the strength to keep walking and not crumble right here.
Just as he answers, someone taps on your shoulder. The girl - she’d introduced herself, but you didn’t hear her - a buzzing in your ears reminds you of the blinding anger. You can’t even focus on what she’s saying. Something about how she didn’t know, or that he’s a great man. You don’t have a response. Not until she opens her eyes and notices the tears, “you really loved him, didn’t you?” Her voice is soft. Maybe she finally realises the calamity of what she’s done.
Did you love him? Well, that was definitely a yes. You couldn’t deny it, not even to her. You doubted you could ever fall out of love with him. “I’ll call you back,” you mumble to Suga, hanging up and taking a seat at the nearest bench, beckoning her to join you. “I do- I did. Did he ever tell you how we met?” She shakes her head slowly, so you decide to tell her a tale as old as time. Of a boy in a class, and a girl with a love for windows. Of how he blocked your light, and had kept doing so until right now. She listens so intently, because she must know the pain you feel.
You tell her about his unwillingness to give up and his aura of authority - she agrees, because who wouldn’t - you tell her about the passion in his eyes, how he could bring the first years to their knees. She laughs and you can see why he chose her. There were stars in her eyes for a thousand light years.
You can’t help but think that maybe love doesn’t exist, just as your mother had warned you for so long.
----
For too long, five years to be exact, you spend endless nights trying to forget Daichi. The memory of him sticks to the walls. So as soon as you can, you move to Hyogo - a place that even Daichi hadn’t managed to touch. You hesitated when you said goodbye to Suga, but he had met a girl that radiated the sun, and you just knew that he was going to be fine.
You opted to go to online university, some shame in the fact you’d never had a chance to go before, but that was a worry for another day. Your biggest concern was work. How were you to find a job with no work experience? A place to stay would be nice, too, but you could easily take it one day at a time.
On your hopeless search, you practically stumble into a restaurant by the name of Onigiri Miya. Of course, Daichi somehow lingers here when you are met with two - or one - vaguely familiar faces. You dig into the depths of your mind, trying to think of where you remember them from.
You brush it off, sitting down at the counter and aimlessly searching through the menu. Maybe you sat there for too long, staring with such tension, because a plate of onigiri is placed in front of you. “From my idiot brother, but made by me,” he sighs, taking a quick note of the way your eyes light up.
“I can pay!” You call out, sifting through your bag for your wallet. Except they both refuse to take your money and you huff.
When the chef - Miya Osamu - smiles lazily down at your pouting face, something in your heart fizzles awake.
For the first time in five years, you think that maybe love can still exist.